Good evening ♥

Do you know that situation in which you keep holding on to something because you want it to thrive so gladly, but it doesn’t happen? I didn’t know that just quitting to believe in it feels so relieving. I thought that it would lead to an “I told you so,” but that’s not even possible, because me quitting to believe that some sort of societal improvement is possible, is me admitting that I’ve lost hope for most of the people on this planet. Those who want to tell me “I told you so,” should tell themselves “Now there really is no hope for me anymore.”

Haha say Whaaaaaaat

I didn’t know that it would feel as a relief. If you knew how much effort I was planning to put in to simplifying the revolution I have in mind and making sure that everyone has an equal chance on a better life 😂 . Haha fuck that. Save yourselfffff. I have neglected myself for so long for you fucking idiots. My only problem now is that I still really need to be with the people in power, because I know that they hate society in the exact same way as I do. We’re all faking our hope and positivity about society 😂 .

Having said that out loud for the first time in three years or so did make me realize a burden: I’m still stuck with so many costs for all of this bullshit.

My level of intelligence is still far above average, my meows. I can only learn from over-experienced Graeynissis ๐Ÿ™‚ . This makes me have such mixed feelings about studying in Antwerp. (Another burden. But still better than having nothing to do here in this house and having to endure the most frustrating situations ever.)

Haha yepp this is a 180° flip of The Fangs you have been seeing all of this time. But “This place is hopeless. You’re all a bunch of fucking losers. That’s a fucking fact,” was The Fangs I was before I became The Fangs. (You can still get immunity by being a good person underneath, my Angel. I’m just non-physically-violently destroying some demons here.)


Now I will tell you how I came to this point, with a lot of side-stories, images and tweets.

How we got to Lil Grrrrrrrr

Last night, I shared some example sentences in a Twitter response and shared many thoughts.

“Vraatzucht”, for example, implicates that someone eats like a pig, while “gluttony” has a more innocent meaning.”

“Where-o-where can I express myself without hurting someone else? I’m clearly still holding back.”

Many people still don’t have a clue of what I exactly do. (Not even of the influence I already have. And I still haven’t even started yet.) Some think that my Dutch is bad and that English is my first language. Some find that I disdown (“verloochen”) my native language for speaking English. I speak English because its vocabulary suits my difficult-to-eplain situation better and I still want international attention for the legalized forms of fraud in this country, among other things.

Things like this. I got low grades for history (and other subjects), because I give my opinion in my answers. I’m also very curious about mister Baudet his views on nationalist propaganda like the “Dutch Golden Age”.

I seek those who already know my life by reading all about it (and more). I’m not really interested in anyone else. But it feels like you admitting all you’ve already heard about me and me suddenly being so open over everything that I post here is such a big step emotionally. But we all know that life will be a lot more fun if we can all be open the way I am open on this website of mine ๐Ÿ™‚ .

Let’s build a village together or something ๐Ÿ™‚ .

If I study mathematics I’ll at least have something to do every day… But I wish to never be a numbered sheep in the large flock of students anymore ๐Ÿ™ . I’m too special meoww ๐Ÿ™ . (Don’t tell me I’m wrong for saying that.)

“If I’d be completely honest, I can’t come near any proletarian anymore. I’m such a strong believer of Fangyism, in which proletarians are obsolete.” Because I hate society soooooo muchhh and I still crave a real challenge ooh my gohohohodddd. (And that real challenge is not a bachelor program, my meow ๐Ÿ™ .)

But then the heat kept me awake and my mind started to replay all kinds of awful memories…

Need Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .

I curse this health care system. And I know you’re still watching me anonymously. Give me some Cishes please ๐Ÿ™ .

I’m still that same Fangs.

I’m tired of not having any real fans ay. I only have a bunch of people looking, but no anticipation ๐Ÿ™ .

Leg me dat alsjeblieft uit.

I bet he also hates society the way I do.

Because most people are sooooooo fuuucking dumb oh my god it makes me so fucking aggressive. Especially because they act as if they’re not fucking dumb.

Always overthinking thing like this ah meow I need a sweet and intelligent boyfriend who can distract me with Cishes ๐Ÿ™ .

“If I didn’t choose mathematics, I would choose classical languages (Latin & Old Greek) ๐Ÿ™‚ . I prefer learning something I know the least about. (As in studying history, economics or geography or something is mostly just cramming large chunks of text into your head. Mastering mathematics and classical languages require practice.) But most gladly I would just be lectured personally, by people from a large range of fields I can ask questions.

My alarm went off at 8 AM. It felt as if I hadn’t slept at all. I snoozed it until 08:40 AM. For this hot week, I decided to wear airy clothing and shave my legs for it. (Though I prefer getting it waxed by a professional… Shaving is almost free.)

I arrived at Bavo Europoort at near Voorschoterlaan at 09:50 AM. The appointment started at 09:30 AM, but I had texted my case manager that I was going to be a little later, before I hopped on my bike, at 09:30.

In the waiting room, I checked my morning statistics.

I reached Canada again 😻 .

I get some satisfaction from seeing statistical improvement.

The conversation started with that the psychiatrist – who I haven’t seen since somewhere mid 2018 – has written a referral note for me. Now I can get a second opinion in Amsterdam. I’m glad that I didn’t have to get that note from my physician, because I would attack her on sight. The way the Dutch healthcare system works is so frustrating.

I told my case manager and the experience expert that I’m planning to sign up for Antwerp. They responded positively and we spoke some about that. About the subject and studying abroad et cetera. And that I have no clue how my parents feel about me wanting to study in Antwerp. And that I feel bad about leaving my sister alone with my parents.

Then I was asked how I’m dealing with dr. Crutzen his denial of being the voice in my head. I said that I didn’t have any trouble with him denying that he is the voice in my head in the presence of my mother and her friend. [I wouldn’t admit either.] I’m glad that he still promised me to help me on my career path. [Though the fact that he hasn’t responded to my last e-mail is quite depressing.] And that I can depend on myself a lot more if I have a degree in mathematics.

Then I was asked if I still hear dr. Crutzen’s voice in my head and I replied “No. And psychotic/schophrenic does not apply to me.” [I actually do still hear his voice. It has been with me for over two years now and has never faded. But I have no incentive to discuss this with anyone who believes in antipsychotics.]

Then I was asked how the situation at home is and I replied that there have been no fights and that there are visitors frequently. (I prefer calmth in my house. Not even the sound of television.) It’s hard to explain why my situation at home is such a burden to me. Most people just see a piano and that we go out for dinner very often and then think that I’m spoiled and complaining. If I can rent a room in Antwerp – we spoke about my finances for a while – I won’t be bothered by it anymore. But then my sister will be further brainwashed by my parents ๐Ÿ™ .

My case manager left because of other duties and I was alone with the experience expert, then. She asked me some questions about what it’s like to aim for greatness, hide so many emotions, having to carry your past with you all the time and finding the right therapist. I told her that studying in Antwerp will be the solution to it all, because my social environment here is my greatest problem. And that the things such as my grandfather’s passing and the way many narcissists have destroyed me emotionally are things I do want to talk about with someone. I also want to tell the world my side of the story about me going missing, in a video broadcast. But I want it to be recorded in a film studio, because I like to show myself from my good side. But my parents won’t appreciate it if I tell my side of the story.

Then, somehow, I felt like I just had to say that I’m aware that my aim for greatness is impossible, like many people have said. I want to be known for being a revolutionary, but most people don’t want to see me be that great. Especially not after I’ve gone missing.
I thought that admitting it would feel very bad for my sense of pride, but my feelings were practically the same, aside from the little relief I felt from saying what I knew all along.

I asked her about how she has become an experience expert. Then I learnt that there is an education program at an MBO school where people are educated to be health care experience experts. Another eye-opener.

Then she asked if I have any further questions and I said “No.” Then I told her that I might still see her before her internship ends – for the assistant of the psychiatrist in Amsterdam wants (after having spoken to my mother) someone to keep tabs on me here my god I can’t wait for Antwerp – and went home. (It’s really chill writing “then… then… then…” even though that’s “against the rules”.)

I want some Cishesss.

When I came home, I ate my first meal of the day.

And I posted this image on Twitter:

I slept for a very long time, after having come home. I always feel kind of fucked up after a session.

When I woke up, I felt this strong “I wish I were leaving for Antwerp already,” feeling. I need a challenge meowww. A real challenge.

From experience, I already know that a bachelor programme is not the challenge I need. It’s just a formality I need. I REALLY don’t want any tutoring. It’s kind of frustrating that there is no common way I can be challenged the way I want to. I hope you’ll make an exception for me, my Graeyniss.

Always like to do favors

If you buy anything premium at Canva, if you hadn’t found it via your favorite search engine yet, let me know ๐Ÿ™‚ . My pockets are still empty.

I really wonder how she found my blog post. I, indeed, did not backlink the site. Did she find it because I used the word Canva? Can I get e-mails from businesses and people whose name I use in my blog posts just like that? ๐Ÿ™‚ Because then I’d say: Victor Geskes, Benoรฎt Crutzen, Donald Trump, Thierry Baudet, Mark Rutte, Sander Renes, Lorenzo Dal Maso, all of my favorite artists, Twitter, Google, Facebook, Instagram, everyone who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia because of all of this meddler nonsense and my frequent non-anonymous blog visitors *swings magic wand* 😏 ♥ .

Respect is free, like this profuse blog.

Seriously. Please tell me how you found my blog. All of you.

Haha I’m going to try to reason my heartache away, as time goes by and tomorrow I have an appointment with my second opinion therapist in Amsterdam.

I hope to see you here again tomorrow xxxxxxxxx

Luv y’all ♥