A restatement of my direction, this is. As well as a reflection. And I’ve included the pictures I made I promised to put online quite some weeks ago…
This is an interesting week. Usually when I want to take measures to distance myself from toxic influence, my entire approach can be read way in advance. What I did on my birthday, however, was an impulse. An impulse that has definitively shifted my future social life. I think it is for the better. But it is only for the better if people who can positively relate to what I’ve done exist. Plus there is much to seal. I’d like this post to function as a statement of my personal and organizational direction in the context of my recently shifted (based on bad publicity) social life.
For (right) now, I just wanted to lay out the fundament for this post. It is past 3 AM and I just finished washing the dishes and reading law. Yesterday I had one of those days where thoughts about loneliness and death keep me in bed, not wanting to do anything. At some point I managed to get up and work on my tasks for the day. Hopefully today will be less uncomfortable.
After inserting the pictures (a display of my Summer), I will brush my teeth and bitje and go to sleep. I love my bed sooo much. Manifesto.
Though I love you more. ♥
Good night ♥
– xxx –
03:26 Antwerpen Kievitwijk
On the Perspective
It might seem odd to mention these topics in a manifesto, but the context is crucial. I often mention my loneliness. Sometimes I hail it, sometimes I express what a heavy burden it is. This is, however, very separate from me wanting to distance myself from those who used to form my inner circle. Because with or without them, I still feel lonely. Nothing at all, I have in common with them.
“You will have to work hard to earn back our trust blah blah,” is what they want to put me through. Again. Like in 2017. Fuck that times infinity. As I’ve mentioned here before, the only reason why I gave that party was because then I’d have seen “everyone” now that I live in Antwerp. (“I’m sick so let’s do everything next week,” was never an option man I really can’t bear that.) “My friends” but they rarely surface on this blog. (Because we’re not friends…) Most of them I couldn’t even introduce and give writing space here, which is what I’d actually want to do with my “friends”. Make my audience of blog readers know them like they know me. But most of them would rather not even be on the public internet, because they have things to hide.
Who has the greatest future potential? Who wants retirement care? So who needs who? ] = Proof I don’t care at all. This is a relief.
Now that I have quite some numbers blocked, including my parents, I wonder if this is it. I hope this is where my “I feel so fucked up around my “inner circle” ugh,” diary complaints end. I have no intentions of contacting any of them ever again. Especially not around Christmas and New Year’s. Blegh. (Haha imagine me giving a Christmas party here and looking at fireworks from the rooftop terrace. Ahahahaha. *headache*)
As far as I can see, my side (that’s just me) and their side both have no reasons to contact each other ever again. (If we ever would they’d just complain about my behavior more than before, and give me even more unsolicited advice. I can’t pretend like I agree at all anymore. I do not want the rage I feel when I hear those words to surface, because once I let go of my anger, I can’t stop.) I crossed the line and, in retrospect, I think it’s an hilariously effective impulse. Going missing, going to the United States, going to Germany, working full time, ranting online. And all it takes is choosing me on my birthday.
Yesterday was a day of closed blinds and showering very late. That was because I was a bit sad about that I don’t have any real friends and that it’s going to take quite long before I can join Mensa (for the next test in Antwerp) and I don’t know if I’ll have the funds for an IQ test then. Meoow the concept of D.O.C.I.S. International would suit the organization so well.
With that being said…
My loneliness is not generating D.O.C.I.S. International any income. Blegh. Currently, my focus is more on my studies than it is on my passion. Though that makes me enjoy life less, it still gives me more options for in the future and it is so much better than my life in the Netherlands. So my weeks will stay like this and I pray I have my bachelor around my 26th, to then have my PhD et cetera before I’m 30. My spare time I’ll use to further work on the D.O.C.I.S. (opens in new tab). (Ah meow for Economics I’m now reading about macroeconomics meow it’s the most fun subject ever! Though the way my book (in the microeconomics part) says that “monopolies are bad” concerns me. Because D.O.C.I.S. International in its complete form is a huge monopoly and I believe monopolies too can be rationally altruistic.)
I hope that the inner circle drama has permanently ended now and I hope that my friendlessness will not convince me to commit suicide over time. Because what tf is the purpose of all these hours spent all by myself and how long will this persist? Will I ever cuddle Victor? He seems sooo cuddle meow only when I imagine him spooning me to sleep I can fall asleep. 🙁
Ah ~ haha I find giving a post a theme and then going way off topic quite funny ~ what do you think?
Ah and another question:
Ah and my veryyy late lunch:
Meoww I’m going to eat mashed sweet potatoes with spinach and fish sticks… I’m getting to that point where I’m running out of things like fabric softener, toilet paper and perfume. Exactly when I should save up more than ever. x_x Haha I have quite some kitchen paper left so I’ll leave that last roll of toilet paper (I have one in the toilet now and one in my storage room. The one in the storage room…) until I have guests. Like my project partner coming over.
Haha hella random manifesto. Manifesto manifesto manifesto. Hahaha how on earth am I going to find friends who are going about life the same way as I do? 😀 My circle says that they don’t exist, but I believe they do! Ah by the way, I thought that when I live alone, it’s easier to approach me about the brain-to-brain communication device en silence? Papa? Tishe? What is stopping you? 🙁 We’re the only people we have meow let’s be Cuddles please? 🙁
I’ll manifesto my dinner now and get to law and maths.
Love y’all ♥
– xxx –
18:53 Antwerpen Kievitwijk