12:43 (PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I’m in a “vervoer op maat” (transport for those who can’t travel themselves due to physical circumstances) van, on my way to my parents’ place, together with my grandmother. 

She’s able to travel by herself, but she has this “vervoer op maat” members pass that expires when she doesn’t use it. It’s one of her first times using this. It’s my very first time in a van like this. Secretly hoping that it will never become a habit for any of us. 

She had plans of going shopping with my mother. So I guess I’m joining them, now that I’m not living in Amsterdam anymore all of a sudden. I have my book release to work on, though. Why does bullshit always come up, when I have a fucking deadline x_x. 


14:02 (02:02 PM) 

Meoww heartache and confusion have increased 🙁 . 

It’s like good news that my B has replied to my mother’s e-mail. But it hurts that he does reply to her and doesn’t reply to me. They have been speaking of scheduling a meet-up with him and my parents, is what my mother told me in the car just now. 

I want to see my B 🙁 . I’d be jealous of my parents, if they see him before I do. But I would settle for it. It feels really confusing, though, to have been attempting to continue seeing him for two years, and have been trying to arrange it by myself for so long. Then my mother sends one e-mail on my behalf (while I’ve been mailing him as well), and he responds in the same evening. It’s heartache meets confusion. 

And this Jam catje doesn’t want me to text him 🙁 . That’s another piece of heartache. I hope we can still become Cuddles 🙁 . 

My mother and my grandmother are in the H&M, shopping for trousers for my grandmother. I don’t have any money and I’m tired, so I’m sitting on that bench where men sit when their wife is taking way tooo fucking long in the same store. 

I just want to lay in bed 🙁 . Ohh and eat someee… Meow x_x. 


21:52 (09:52 PM) 

I just entered “my” bed meoww. I’m happy to lie down. I’m sleeping in my grandmother’s bed. I sleep where my grandfather used to sleep. So many of his belongings are still in this house, as if he can still come home at any moment. 

After my grandmother’s shopping, today, I drove my grandmother and I to my mother’s/parents’ house. My mother had an interviewee to judge, for the department she works at. 

I cooked dinner for the family and drank some wine. While sitting at the dinner table, my mother showed me the e-mails. She didn’t want to forward it to me, she said. But I’m so happy that my B wants to meet up and discuss my case. And that her self-typed response to the response makes it overly clear that the initial e-mail was written by me. She told him that “my father” and she will clear their agendas to discuss my case with him. Haha… Not long after that conversation, we left. 

I hope I’m allowed to join the party. I really hope that conversation won’t take place without me. And I hope that it will take place very soon. My agenda is semi-cleared, haha. Tomorrow, I’ll be working on my book release, mostly. (Unless “my parents” are going to meet up with my B and I’m allowed to join the conversation 😀 .)

And now I’m going to sleeeep

Nighty ♥