How was your day?
Today I’ve gone home after having stayed at my grandmother’s house since last week Saturday (April 7th). During that time I’ve cooked for her, we’ve gone to a cafe for some coffee (and chocolate milk for me, since I can’t handle caffeine that well), we’d visited her physician and we played bingo together with her friends… That doesn’t really sound like fun activities for a 21 year old, but I just needed a change of scenes. (At home I heard: “Stop sitting behind that computer. You’re making your head too full,” too often. I’m sitting behind my laptop because I don’t want to hear that anymore.) I’ve been beast mode writing on the first episode and have been working on other aspects of Nosce Te Ipsum non-stop for almost a year now. (And before that I was working on my PR business…) I’m exhausted… But I can’t take any breaks. I want my freedom. Fast.
After I had released the episode, the night from Saturday to Sunday, I said I was done and I had some time to “chill”. But I can’t relax… Also, I discovered I got quite addicted to writing. I just need to express myself. I can’t express myself to people in my environment. They really don’t understand me. They don’t understand the way I oversee our reality.
The previous paragraphs I wrote at this “fancy” fish restaurant I was eating at, with my parents. (My sister is in France.) I ate sashimi, coquilles, shrimp and sardines, see bass, peach pie with vanilla ice. It was a very nice five course meal. (Actually it was my “cooking day”, but my mother came up with this idea. I was very happy to eat food prepared with fresh ingredients. My “cooking day” is now postponed to tomorrow.) Now I’m in bed. I’ve recorded some audio tapes of the conversations during the day. (Empty as usual.)
I just wanted to make this personal website, so that I have something I can keep myself creatively occupied with. A part of me says that other people won’t find this interesting. Currently, people in my environment are showing less than minimum interest in me. That’s why I can’t imagine that there are people out there who think the same as I. But the bigger part of me knows that you exist. I need you in my life. I hope you’ll read this and we’ll be able to text. I want us to be very very close best friends. May I cuddle you?
I’ve been writing some other posts as well. I see there are some underlying sadness and slight bitterness in my words. In “reality”, that’s very unlike me. Once I have my freedom, I know that will vanish. First I had taken a break from writing, because I didn’t want to have any memories of myself in this phase. Now, I think I should also show this side of myself, publicly, so that you can see me and once I am out of here, I will be able to see how much my state of mind will have developed itself (in a very short amount of time (I think it will be a matter of seconds)). I will be able to reflect on myself in this life, with a lot of pride. I hope I won’t cry because of the pain I’ve been hiding.
Today, I’ve paid the “warrant I received from the Dutch king” [more on that in the first episode] (and bought my mother some twister fries). Before that, I finished half of my hair, made this blog and edited https://docis.international a little. I want to re-braid my hair so that I look a bit better when you see me. I want to make a good first impression on you. (I consider my first moment of freedom my true “first impression”. Now I’m quite blinded by the miserable situation I’m in, so this shouldn’t count.) I also want to use a part of my “Lil Fangs” income to purchase a new wardrobe with clothes that truly resemble who I am. Instead of the worn out clothes I wear now. (Not right now now, since I sleep with only panties on. I think that’s the most comfortable way of sleeping. It feels like I have someone who cuddles me, when I’m under the sheets. I wish I had someone who could cuddle me to sleep right now :(.)
Liée! My episode is accepted to the premium catalog of Smashwords.com. I just received an email. Now it will be available on iBooks etc. very soon. That means I’m almost free… I hope… :'(
I need to finish the last pieces of https://docis.international (add the links to the stores the first episode is available in and re-write a piece of text), finish my hair and make a mathematics test tomorrow. Then I’m done with all of my “obligations” and I’ll have time to focus on LilFangs.com only.
I don’t even know what the mathematics test is about yet… I don’t even know why I’m going to make it. Since once I’m out of here, I won’t have time for my two courses at The Open University. But I think mathematics is fun. It being for a grade makes it a little less fun, since I’ll have “I want a grade that resembles my intelligence”-tunnel vision. But still, it’s a nice cognitive challenge. I hope I’ll score 100% again. For the last test I had 94%, but I would have had 100% if I had used the university’s computer program instead of my advanced calculator. Haha okay nerd struggles over here…
Liée is the Cuddle exclamation of happiness, by the way :). And “fleh” should be pronounced as flèh.
It’s already 00:24, but I said DAILY updates, so I’m going to cheat this one to 23:59 and write another post tomorrow.
I love you