10:20 (AM)
Gooood morning!
Two more nights left!!
Are you as excited as I am?
I need to cuddle youu. To stop my hidden sadness :[.


Today I have to cook, go to “my psychiatric psychologist” and pick up the pills. Apparently I can use it (the pills) as “an excuse to lay around”. When my father saw me lay on the couch, a few days ago (while writing an article), he asked if the laziness was a side-effect of the pills I was taking. I told him: “Yes, of course.” As long as he doesn’t read my blog before I have crossed the border. I’m not going to use it as an excuse, because I don’t lay on the couch anymore, when they’re around. The things they say to me are always built around: “You’re a schizophrenic,” or “You’re so intelligent you don’t fit in.” Two extremes discussed while they discuss supermarket deals and gossip. Fleh!! Soon their nonsense won’t pollute my mind anymore. I think about it way too much, while hardly mentioning it in the physical realm. It’s unhealthy :(. Another thing unhealthy is trying to sleep, while the television in the next room is on, very loud, and the ligts are on there, too. Two nights left!!

I’m hungry, but I don’t want to go downstairs. I’m going to put on my alarm for 11:30 and write down my self-made dinner recipe. x (I thought I would be home alone today :(…)

14:01 (02:01 PM)
I’m on my way to this fleh psychologist now. I didn’t write down the dinner recipe, but I did write down my “breakfast/lunch recipe”. I should have been there at 2, but I’m at Kralingse Zoom now. That’s the stop after the stop near my house. Where the university I used to study at was. At the next stop, there’s the “mental institution offices”, where I’m going to. I’m going to record it again. The most important thing is to stay nice for one last time and not give away too many hints about my plans.

15:07 (03:07 PM)
I really don’t know how to feel about these mental institution people… They just follow “a mental manual”. The manual doesn’t apply to me. I don’t think the manual applies to anyone. I hate being obligated to let “my life’s questions” be answered by some person who probably isn’t able to answer her own life’s questions, if her answer to “How are you doing?” “Good, because I just had the weekend” is. She told me “I look tired…” :[

15:32 (03:32 PM)
I just bought some granola bars and picked up my medication at the “‘s Gravenland shopping center”. If I can pick up my camera tomorrow, if my study financing is paid on time, I can maybe make some pictures of my hood before I leave it for good. I still have 1.5 joint left, I don’t want to waste. Speaking of “””waste”””, if (basic) Dutch people would know how much I paid for “natural” granola bars… €5.88 for 6 pieces… “woaaaah”. I don’t mean all Dutch people, of course, but there’s this “perfect (white) citizen stereotype” I just can’t take seriously. “Cheap is good.” It’s a matter of taste (for “quality” ((, but) the very best granola bars are self-made)).

Let’s see if I can get an indication of how late my book will be delivered. Before that “I’ll go jogging” (a.k.a. sprint until I’m almost fully “out of gas” (for the sweat), then smoke and walk home). Or after that, depending on how late the book will be here. Then I should do the blood test (around 16:30) and go shopping for my camera and its accessories, plus perfume etc. Maybe a shirt or something, too. I don’t know what Paris will bring me exactly, so I’m bringing an extra shirt, instead of only extra panties.

By the way, if things go “viral” (again), the title “political refugee” suits me better than “runaway schizophrenic”.

23:07 (11:07 PM)



I’m smoking my last “gerru” ever. I picked up the habit of smoking during the colder seasons. In the mental hospitals I stayed, they “promoted smoking cigarettes” (at EMC they even had shag for those who weren’t allowed to go outside and an indoor smoking area). I smoked there, too, out of boredom, or to take a short break from working on Nosce Te Ipsum.
But to be honest, I don’t even like the taste of (menthol) cigarettes. I like blowing out smoke and sitting outside. Sometimes I sit outside, not smoking, but then, often, people start asking me “what the hell I’m doing,” if I’m there for longer than an hour. (“Well, I just don’t want to be at home,” would be the honest answer. But I don’t tell them that. They should mind their own business.)

So, this was my last day as a broke person. I thought I would get about €3500, but apparently it’s €3800.
I can’t wait to be “out of debt”!!! Finally I’ll be able to invest in my hobby again, buy new skin care products and buy new make-up. Hopefully by book will sell, so that I can pay back the loan right away. They say, two years after you’ve finished your studies, you’re obligated to start paying back the loan, but you pay rent over the two years onwards as well. I think that might cause some stress for the next working generation…
(I don’t get €3800 per month, by the way. I get about €960 per month, but I found out I was allowed to get it last month, so I get the loan from January to April at once.)
If my “career as a “research-author”” doesn’t “play out”, I’ll get in trouble paying back the loan… But it’s worth the gamble. There’s no way I’m going to “join the line” for regular research publications. I don’t have “the network” to become succesful in that anyway.

[As a reminder to myself:
10:00 Opstaan
Ontbijten, credit card opladen, treinticket kopen, blog bijwerken (tips weghalen, afbeeldingen en tags), “boek opwachten” (en daarna verstoppen haha), hardlopen, douchen, eten (maar wat dan…)
16:20 Naar IJsselland voor bloedonderzoek
Daarna naar de stad [It has been soooooo long since I have gone shopping (if you don’t count grocery shopping as shopping…)]

Pictures of other “artwork”, letter for grandma, pack, print ticket en reservering. Indien tijd over: foto’s van de wijk. ]

I’m going to put new limes in my infuser now.
I’m so excited for shopping and Paris!!! This must be the perfect situation to meet… I hope it is… (That’s the reason why I’m buying make-up ahahaha.) I WANT TO CUDDLE YOU SO BADD aarghhhh. Stupid flehs blocking (not “stopping” in this context, since they don’t even know what they got themselves into) us from cuddling :[.

Lol and let’s hope they don’t read my blog before I leave. And let’s hope there’s no delay in the payment of my study financing. And, most of all, I really hope they take a few days to check my blood. On the form I read they want 5 tubes. 5!!! I’m afraid of needles :[. Often I nearly faint. But fleh. This is almost over. Once I’m in Paris, I’m not leaving to go back home!!! No Suriname – with killer dogs – for this cuddle.

Good night
My love