From the way I don’t show my emotions on my face, I know I’m perfect for politics. The way I express myself in real life and here are so different. This is not real life. This is LilFangs.com on the internet.
Haha I feel a bit un-cuddle for being on my phone all of the time here. I don’t know what to talk about in real life. All I can think about, currently
But hey this Graeyniss situation is very serious. I want to have an occupation that forces me to be with my Graeynissis 24/7. I’m done with small talk. Let’s talk about some Graey niss? Yess I’ll explain to you what it is in person, that will be a lot clearer. I would like a hug and a Cishe (on the face cheek) in exchange 🙂 .
By that last sentence I meant that I just want some friendly exchange of love. Don’t worry about how to approach me. Just do it and tell me exactly everything you think and feel. I have an extreme love deficit that decreases when someone shows me his/her real self. You know, what’s underneath the façade. Some people don’t have a façade.
I just sinned and bought a glass of Hennessy… I want to stick to one, but three is one of my lucky numbers… Seven is the other… But I don’t want to start doing crazy shit and let my underlying emotions surface… They’re actually bed pet emotions…
My battery is on 3% so I might be “expressionless” for a while. I feel naked without being able to write yo… That is something very negative, I guess. I’d rather…
We have leftt. It became three… And it was shared. One was double. It was fun 🙂 . I wish I could hype to today’s popular songs the way other girls do. Haha I’m preparing myself for this dance-off. The story I have in mind says he wins :p. And then the next challenge follows…
I just finished my late night Maccie and am going to sleep. When I wake up, I’d like to touch on my love feelings (“old” and new), my aspirations in (non-)politics, the new book, the situation with my family and probably other things as well.
Good night, my Cuddle
I love you ♥
– xxx –
Good afternoon 🙂
How’s your pre-Christmas eve hype? I wish I was there getting hyped with you. I’m still bed petting [imagine us bed petting together 😻😻😻], while the sound of my stomach indicates that I should sprint to the kitchen.
There are some ideas I want to share with you and things I want to make clear. Since my idea of accomplishing my endeavor via politics is quite new – in the sense that when I was in school, I loved the subject Maatschappijleer (not the racist sentiment of the teacher), but I always said that I won’t make it, because I don’t have the network for it and stuff [but now I’ll try to do it via money] – there are still a lot of things I need to scour the internet for, things on which I still need to choose a side – but I always often “fluctuate” – and Graeynissis I need to claim.
To fund my party, I need hella stacks [of money], a notaris and (another…) KvK registration. And party members, of course hahahaha. But what I said yesterday about kopzorgen (who to take into consideration), made me think the following: maybe it’s better for me to do a subtle staatsgreep (coup) [chaos free for sure, because I ain’t got time for that lol], and then make the public choose whether they live under the amazing system that is here already, or the new and very alternative regime of Den Fang Partij. Ooh fleh, Partij is een vrouwelijk woord, dus via het officiële systeem der ouden Neerlandsche naamvallen, is het gewoon De Fang Partij. Maar dat klinkt zo saai… Der Fang Partij klinkt eigenlijk het coolst. Dan is het gewoon Der Fang omdat Fang in NederCuddle met Der begint… Muhahahaaa…
Maar dat referendum dat dan volgt van die staatsgreep – gepleegd door intellectuelen die meer dan alleen politiek hebben bestudeerd (want gestudeerd vind ik tijdverspilling, omdat het vak politiek als het ware alleen maar de olie van de motor is [en het is nu echt droge kut olie]) – leidt tot een vreedzame optie waarbij we in ieder geval meer voorbereid zijn op eventuele nieuwe extreme natuursomstandigheden. Niet iedereen zal dit lezen, waarschijnlijk, en ik wil in mijn officiële partijprogramma heel transparant zijn, dus hoe minder, hoe makkelijker. Natuurlijk wil ik zo veel mogelijk mensen helpen, maar houd er rekening mee dat Nederland al zwaar overbevolkt is en dat ik op Planet Fang niet veel appartementencomplexen wil neerzetten. Those of my class who I save, will live a much more sophisticated life. I’m not only targeting my class. Not even only “my country”.
With Der Fang Partij, I want to make it to the European Union. I even want to make it to the US. And Russia… Basically every country anywhere. Not to overthrow anything – not in the US and Russia for sure(!) – but to just give some love and brainpower for the international change we all need.
I think my book should not be free, since I can’t even afford a home for myself (and the authoritarian guard dog of a posessive house owner, whose house I’m registered in, because I was born in that family, does not always allow me to access my own room… Grrrrr…. To Surinamese people that cold hearted treatment is so logical. I wonder if that’s the same for other countries as… well…
Hey… Ha-haaa… I just mentioned Suriname and a coup in the same post. That reminds me… Please [unless you want to keep the Christmas spirit HAHAHA] Google “Suriname Decembermoorden” (that’s “December murders”). It will lead you to a story about the time around which Suriname – former Dutch colony – became independent. That person who was accused of those murders, is today’s president of Suriname. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know how people can think: “Oh yeah. Good guy. Must vote for him.” The often used justification is that by those murders, he made a change [oh my god the fucking stupidity] in the country, and they want more change, so he should be in power, just giving random people fucking crazy amounts of money.
I will need serious protection after this, because they will get me killed without even hesitating – vooral omdat ik een kanker hekel heb aan “tori praten” [talking about the most shallow shit ever… It’s basically a script of oneliners, of which one topic can very quickly last for hours] – but in the context of very fruitful, barely cultivated land [it’s probably used as storage space for drugs or something], it’s so perfect for Planet Fang 😻. I would make my grandfather so proud…
I would clean the ocean, strip that tiny layer of cultivated shit off it, because it’s the most unhealthy and disgusting shit ever, and we could live off the abundance of nature with so much ease…
Okay that was random. Especially because that country is sooo thinly populated, but still sooo large. And they’re only helping it to shit, while it could flourish and thrive WITH ALMOST NO EFFORT MAN, SERIOUSLY. Fucking dumb people… The work ethic there is mostly less than nothing. But the money ethic is a completely different story. I’m against weapons, but I doubt if negotiating with Suriname will be possible.
On my love feelings: I mentioned that I’m very easily attracted to grey haired men in suits. It’s actually any type of men who aspires to “live the suit life”. And any type of women who aspires the same thing.
But these two literal Graeynissis… In my fantasy, we’re now basically a married threesome… Ah meoow they’re so
Cuddle 😻. We would look soooo sexy in politics meoow. Especially if we do it the coup way. (I need to think of Vicje every time I say “the (…) way”. Haha not funny shared inside joke. I want a Cuddle 🙁 . As in a hug. Ohh on the no children: I meant no extra ones from me. I know you have three… Haha my fantasyyy.)
So if Suriname wants change, I can make that change. The Netherlands want change, too. I’m on it. I hope by change you don’t literally mean getting more money for the same fictive value you put into this world. Those who say that they want change, often have no clue what they exactly want. How I know? Because I always ask and then get shit argumentation – TV citations – as a response. I know what I want. (And there are multiple long ways to getting there.)
I want better branding for Lil Fangs for President. I want to do photoshoots for it, make a promotion miniseries, and an EP that comes with it. Guest authors for the book – my Graeynissis – would be sooo fuuuucking amazing, too. I’ll make the donation thingy as soon as I get home. I want to direct it myself. I don’t want it to look like today’s mainstream shit.
Oh another thing about love feelings I already wanted to mention on here yesterday, but then thought that it’s not the right thing to do now that I was third wheeling… I’ve never mentioned this before. He doesn’t even know it himself. The first time I saw Elgin – he has been Jamiro’s friend via school and living location (basically neighbors) – I fell in love with him instantly. It was when Jamiro took him along, the first timw we went to Italy, together with our families.
I’m not a flirty type of person in real life. (But when I had a boyfriend, I did develop that ability a little bit.) I also detest the routinous relationships people build up these days. By means of protecting my heart, I stay away from that love culture.
But did you know that Jamiro was my first crush? (Haha no because literally no one knows this, because it feels weird, now that everyone calls us family.) I “developed attraction” on such a young age. I remember that I used to be so crazy horny all of the time, as a kid. The “I can’t sleep without masturbation” thingy has been a thing, since I was 6, if not younger.
It’s funny that once I have feelings for someone, they ne-ver fade. I also miss sex with my ex. But the way he doesn’t believe in me and calls me dumb, makes me prefer to never see him again. Bitch. I still want my notebook back,though, but I don’t want to undergo another conversation that causes palpitations and heartache.
When it comes to being in a loving relationship, I find verbal courtship sooooooooooo important. And showing love in e-ve-ry single action. People like that are almost extinct. I was glad to hear that Elgin is an exception, when his girlfriend told me that he has still kept that neon bracelet from one of the first parties they went to. Before they were dating? [And then “I told him that I had already trashed mine haha, but it was really nice.” A small statement like that – the trashing – would give me heartache and palpitations. Because it could have been left out. Now it sounds unloving.]
I’m such a hopeless polyamorist. Basically polygaam. I don’t mind getting married at this age. What else is there left to do in life anyway, now that I basically want to say fuck school – I would fully change the education system to something less sheepy and more practical – and fuck slaving behind a desk. [Unless my sexy meow has a job for me. Am I allowes to fall in love with you? Because I already did. Oops *blushes* Hehehehehehe 😀 ]
It’s 13:55… I’m going to brush my teeth and eat something. Brushing my teeth now, means that that little residu of tooth paste that doesn’t go out after spitting, will be considered food, by my body, and that shit makes me sick, too. My mucus is fucking yellow by the way. Fucking much, too. Ah meow, but since I’ve heard of “het zorgplafond” even for cancer patients, I’m so fucking done with this. Why was Den Uyl’s measure good? I just think his branding was good. I’m pro state businesses, because than the endeavor is more important than the money. Planet Fang (D.O.C.I.S. International) will own everything. There will be no more room for money hungry animals.
14:27 (02:27 PM)
I can’t wait until we’re regularly drinking tea together ♥. You’re my baby now… Just like D.O.C.I.S. International is my baby 🙂 . And just like Elia PR was :'( . It was unsubscribed December 31, 2017 :'(. Ah, g’dammit, I still need to file that tax report thing… But I barely kept my books, because I was only doing business expenses from my personal account…
My family is in Brussels now, because they had tickets to my cousin’s performance there. Had I told you she was in Mariah Carey’s choir in the Ziggo Dome recently? No I didn’t. I found out afterwards myself, when my mother visited me in Amsterdam last Saturday.
Do you understand why I’m truthfully not excited about going home at all? I hope you do. If you don’t that’s fine, but don’t force your shitty populist argumentation on me, because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
It’s hilarious how yesterday, we spoke about me going home, and we concluded that the best thing was to then – even though I wouldn’t give a fuck if we would split up for good – talk things through before I move back in. I just want to be certain that I don’t get kicked out over FUCKING BULLSHIT, because it FUCKING DISTRACTS ME FROM MY WORK. EVERY FUCKING TIME. AARGHHH I NEED MY OWN HOUSE. But I want to live far far far far far away from the beasty masses, and that is expensive. And then they proposed to be the mediator, instead of that psychiatrist and his assistant who refused to show me the notes she made about me, which will be put into my fucking record. [It’s all fucking bullshit for sure, otherwise she would have fucking shown her my notes. I have audio taped this. Of this, I do luckily still have a copy on my phone. But the rest was on my hard drive, which was stolen 🙁 .]
So then the most logical thing would be to have the mediator situation thing on the first encounter, which is today. But then it was all like noo Christmas should just be gezellig (“fun”), so let’s just do that after the holidays. I think I want to die, man. Fuck Christmas. Wat een tyfusfeest, zeg. I’m not the god damn house owner, so for them it’s comfortable, and for me it’s an absolute hell, and of course they do not give a fuck. Domme kut apen.
Hey, I’m going home for Christmas, so don’t tell me I’m not doing Christmas spirit shit. Dumb populist motherfuckers.
So they’re coming back from Brussels later today. I hope I can be there before they come home. Then I have some space and place to myself, in “my own space”, where I’ve lived since I was 8… Haha I don’t even want to be there, man. Benoît, Victor, alsjeblieeeeeeeeftttttt……… This – what they’re doing to me – should be fucking illegal. Godnondeju.
I’m going to take a shower and pack.
16:48 (04:48 PM)
I’m waiting for the train. I’m only carrying a selection of my valuables with me, since I’m going back to Amsterdam. Most of my very precious notebooks are there, in my suitcase, which is also still there.*
Wanna see what I got from my parents for last year’s Christmas? Here it is:
* I hope my shit will be untouched and intact when I come back. Surinamese people say they can do whatever they want to do with the shit on their property, when it’s on their property. That’s why my father believes that he can touch me how and whenever he wants. Wat een lul zeg.
Ah when I went to that basketball event, I looked for my earplugs everywhere, but couldn’t find them. When I came back, they were on the table. What the fuck? One earpiece doesn’t work anymore? They’re the original HTC earplugs that came with my phone – with Active Noise Cancellation. It’s almost mission impossible to get new ones, in this country 🙁 .
Meanwhile, it’s 17:01 and I’m in the train now. Haha godver, I got in too early again. There was no time sign, but my train actually comes at 17:07. I’ll travel via Utrecht Centraal then. Sorry but reading that shit again MAKES ME SO FUCKING TRIGGERED FAM I SWEAAAARRR. BUT THEN I HOLD IT IN. THE PRESSURE IS SO INTENSE THAT IT MAKES MY EYES MOVE WEIRDLY.
Know that I still smoked weed when I was in the hospital, but I lied to them about it, otherwise I would have still been there today HAHA. The doctor’s report says that my plans of improving the world are also psychotic complaints. Ga fucking zwembandjes kopen joh tyfushoer. Lotte something, D. Schippers, S. Dieleman and some other “medical experts” (fucking kwakzalvers) were involved in it as well. They considered me dumb and vague, because they couldn’t understand that I was there on a voluntary basis, only because I want them to FUCKING DELETE MY FILE. HOW FUCKING HARD CAN IT BE??? I. WANT. FUCKING. JUSTICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THE LEGAL WAY, OF COURSE. NO ONE HAS TO DIE. ME NEITHER, RIGHT? I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE.
BENOÎT, THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU IN THAT MEDICAL REPORT THERE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS? I KEPT MENTIONING YOU, BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO INVITE YOU OVER. HE WAS MY FUCKING CLIENT. AND BRAIN-TO-BRAIN COMMUNICATION EXISTS, FUCKING DUMB BITCHES.
17:26 (05:26 PM)
I’m waiting for my train to Rotterdam now.
And now I’m in it.
This is why those doctors should lose their right to be a doctor [with an aortic insufficiency they should not have forced me to take antipsychotics]:
As a politician, I can tell you my very unique thoughts, which are sometimes ferocious. Such as that I don’t like 99% of the people in my social life. As long as I can back up my statements, there’s nothing wrong with this. No one can argue better than I do, truthfully. I can literally give you 100 arguments as to why my father is een kanker aap.
I mentioned that I don’t want them [those psychiatrists and 99% of my relatives and other people in my “social network”] to die. I find it a waste of energy and it’s against the law. In the context of overpopulation, these people are all fucking useless. I would not miss them. But of course, others would. They have the right to exist. Who would miss who? I miss Benoît, Victor, Lorenzo and Sander. And people I haven’t even met yet. My Cuddles 🙁 ♥ .
18:10 (06:10 PM)
I thought I would never see this city again. I’m almost home. I’m about to check out.
Now leaving the metro station, 18:12.
I just finished 180 Days of Fangs.
I swear the air tastes like car fumes.
18:35 (06:37 PM)
“Honey, I’m home.” They’re not back yet. I want to show you something:
I don’t want to be hereee. Where are my Graeynissis right now? 🙁 Haha I wish you would save me, by absorbing me into your life. That would make me so happy. I’m now a sad pet 🙁 . Sad and angry haha 😀 .
180 Days of Fangs is now really finished, by the way. I still added some text here and there. It could have been far more detailed, but the more I write about it, the more I want to die, really.
My heart hurts so much, and I feel so unsafe around proletarians, I don’t know what to do, think or write at the moment.
I’m scared of going to my room… The flash backs :'( . May I please marry this single Graeyniss? 🙁 Or live with him, at least.
20:45 (08:45 PM)
Haha remember when I went to Ikea to search for a suitable mattress? That’s basically where I was, in my life in this city HAHA. And now I want to enter politics… I want rich people to vote for me 😀 . I’ll be doing the exact opposite usual people of politics do, to end up in the same spot they are, to do things completely differently :D. The first thing I’ll attack is the financial system, to something that is in balance with nature’s capacities.
My mother asked me to go with her to the night shop, which is why I was silent in between my last update and now. All supermarkets are closed right now.
Over hoe minder, hoe beter. Het is eigenlijk: hoe minder, hoe efficiënter. Wat is belangrijker, de hoeveelheid mensen die je helpt [dus hun werk voor hen doen], of zorgen dat de imbalans in de natuur ons niet vermoordt en daarbij de kwaliteit van het leven nog steeds proberen te verbeteren? Precies, de keuze is snel gemaakt.
For the first day of Christmas, I have a red dress (of which you see a sleeve on one of the pictures) and for the second day, I have a black one, because that’s my second nicest dress – I also wore to that borrel [“drink” as a translation of this, doesn’t suffice, I think. Borrels are most often business related, drinks not necessarily] in the Summer – and I actually fucking hate Christmas. I miss my grandfather and since last year’s Christmas, I’ve just been so double traumatized….
I’m going to take a nap xxx
21:11 (09:11 PM)
I’m tired, but I can’t find the calm to fall asleep. Besides the u-shape my spinal column makes from this shit quality matress on the €100 bed I sleep on, it also feels as if the Earth is shaking very subtly, in an underlying water waves kind of way. That’s probably the case, since the neighborhood I live in is one of the, when it comes to waterworks and nature, unsafest locations in all of the Netherlands.
I also have only eaten some soup, two slices of bread, a mandarine and some blocks of semi-delicacy cheeses, so I’m quite hungry…
A few times, it has crossed my mind that I should mail my Graeyniss again, to tell him that I am now considering to do do things via the political system instead of via independent business, since I mentioned in that mail that I’m not a political movement [as a response to something discussed in the past]. I’m actually still not a movement. I’m going to do things, instead of fucking just talk about it. Okay, now I’m still broke, so I have no other option besides talking about my plans, since I can’t put them into practice yet. Haha meoow I have nicknames for him and stuff, in my mind, but in real life, I’ve only exchanged words with him twice at a borrel and low key creeped on him when I was working for him and he was on the same floor.
Oh, yes, the donation thingy… I’m too mentally tired for it and, even worse, too worried about not receiving any support, just like I had with my books. I want to bed pet and kill zombies on my Nintendo Switch…
Why I took those pictures of medical report’s summaries? Because I want to make sure that I have a back-up. I took them with me, to Germany, because they’re part of “my valuables”, in the sense that I might need them once, for another doctor or for my lawyer. But I left them in Amsterdam, along with most of my clothes and a few of the many valuable things, because I prefer to travel light and I’m going back there from New Year’s onwards. I’ll go back to Amsterdam on the 30th, after my sister’s party that day, to which the family friends are coming as well. Everyone’s going out and stuff. I want to be all alone for New Year’s. I do not want to be smiling with those who have shared that Facebook lie and then called me a schizophrenic afterwards.
23:12 (11:12 PM)
Dinner made by my parents was very delightful:
Here’s the present I got, when I was trapped in the ward, but I was allowed to go home for Christmas, with an 9 PM curfew on the 26th:
Meoww I’ll be killing zombies on my Nintendo and probably pass out at some point.
Good night ♥
And like *insert* something you say on Christmas eve / night. I don’t know, because I’m not a Christian/capitalist. Haha but I would wear Christmas lingerie, because fuck Christmas HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂.
I love you haha ♥
– xxx –