01:52 (AM) 

I’m back in Amsterdamm

Tired catje 😴

My sister’s birthday was nice. I had some good non-microwave-level conversations πŸ™‚ . But I’m still cuddleless πŸ™ .

When people asked me where I’m going, when I left my own home, about an hour ago, I told them I’m going to party in Amsterdam on New Year’s. I had to say that. I mean my parents are going to party as well, on New Year’s, so being alone could have been in my own room as well, but that’s not the same. The amount of bad memories I have about my own bedroom are too insane for me to have that same perception when I enter 2019. If I do. I haven’t decided yet. I’m more prepared for one option than the other, because I’m tired of trying to get supporters. No year can be more fucked up than 2017 (maybe 2015), but for this year, again, there’s not really anything I could say that I’m proud of. The emotions I’ve dragged myself through, visible on this blog… I wish I would have shown you a great year. I’m tired of this cycle of bad luck. Also of the times of having hope for that Volta and it not happening, but still adapting my reasoning to that Good times are finally here. No more heartache. I can now call myself successful and my situation then becoming waaaay worse, instead of better… I’m just done. So done. I’m truly sorry that you’re reading this. You’re not supposed to know. I’m just addicted to telling you how I feel πŸ™ . I wish I was feeling good. Then my words would make you feel good, and this would be like a feel-good book. I’ve been trying to cause that Volta, but unfortunately, it’s still not here, and I’m so very tired.

I’m going to finish my pre-bed meal [I can’t sleep on an empty stomach and I get very hungry veryy fast… I think it’s because of my reasoning]

Almost donee

And then make my bed and go to sleep. I could sleep already, but I can’t go to sleep without telling you

Good night

I wish I were sleeping next to you πŸ™ 

I love you β™₯

xxx

12:25 (PM) 

Good afternoon πŸ™‚

That was the Lil Fangs Facebook page

That was one of my personal accounts. The other one, “DaniΓ«lle Elia”, I can’t seem to be able to log into. But consider that one deleted as well. 

Deleting Instagram will be next. When I have conversations on Messenger, with unanswered messages, I answer them before I delete my account and leave my phone number, but I’m not sure if that person will be able to see that message. 

Why today is the perfect day for deletion? Because I’m “allergic” to New Year’s posts. Always have been. It literally makes me feel like vomiting.

I’m still bed petting πŸ™‚ . But I’m hungry πŸ™ . I want to stay in bed ah meoow. I’ll be playing on my Nintendo Switch all day, probably…

~~~

13:01 (01:01 PM) 

The relief 

Step 1 was going from business to personal 

Looking back and laughing for a good second

Haha I’ve been thereee

Ahahahahaha XDDDD

Me if I would get a Cuddle

Yahaay

Haha me too

Hungry bed pet wants a cuddle πŸ™ . 

~~~

13:55 (01:55 PM) 

I want to show you a text I sent to a very dear friend of mine. 

I’m kind of all over the place

There were many more points I wanted to make

I must say that I love the form of isolation that comes with it. It’s peaceful. It doesn’t include a lot of citing other prople’s statements. The only fucked up part is that there’s no one who has chosen that same path of isolation with me. Comee be my Cuddle πŸ™‚ .

But my data loss traumas make me rush things, to send them

It was not the exact same. It was veryyyyy similar. 

My hidden agenda for today, makes it unfortunately very uncertain, if I’m able to make this shift

I want to reach full consensus in this, but I’m chronically stubborn, so it’s unfortunately only possible when you slightly adapt your views to mine. For Cuddles πŸ˜€ .

I haven’t spoken to him in such a long time πŸ™ . The last time was when I via Facebook Messenger – the first time using social media again, after months [I only reactivated it, because I needed help getting the fuck out of that institution] – when I was transferred from de gynaecologie afdeling van het IJsselland ziekenhuis naar de gesloten afdeling van Bavo Europoort (haha godverdomme)

I want to be Graeynissis πŸ™ . I also want freedom. I’m also out of patience, so today will be a very decisive day. The most important part is that failure is not an option. With every attempt. Especially if I would “half survive”, I don’t want to live. So it’s either sleeping forever at once, or my Volta, if someone powerfully Graey looking at this page were to finally not give a fuck, too. Meow πŸ™‚ .

~~~

14:13 (02:13 PM) 

Heey look at what I just received in the mail πŸ™‚ .

The picture is even uglier than I expected. No joke. It’s worse than a mugshot. I want a new passport hahaha (sort of kidding… I won’t request a new one)

Where are we going? πŸ˜€ 😻

Please let me push through my other hidden agenda πŸ™ . I want cuddles and kisses πŸ™ .

~~~

14:39 (02:39 PM) 

The bed pet is about to leave the bed and meow around for some food.

By the way, on exactly twelve, I’ll be uploading a post for you and sending some people I’ve spoken to recently, who are dear to me a message. I don’t do the sending everyone in my contacts list an automated message nonsense. My New Year’s messages are always hand-typed. Just like my blog posts, by the way! I don’t do speech-to-text.  

Funniest thing about my passport delivery is that even the envelope says “signature required”, and it was never asked for. 

~~~

16:26 (04:26 PM) 

I’m having fun πŸ™‚ . 

Playing together with the family friends’ grandchildren

~~~

21:12 (09:12 PM) 

Daamn meoow I typed so much text, ready for another upload, and when I tried to enter HTML mode, for the emojis, I lost everything I typed πŸ™ . 

To summarize it: today was fun with the three eldest grandchildren of the family friends I’m staying at. We played on my Nintendo Switch (which was how I started our conversation), and later, when the two guys were playing on it together, the girl Genesis and I made avatars for each other and watched a part of “Het regent gehaktballen deel 2” [I was laughing while watching it, but deep down, I thought Even children’s movies are about work life man wtf πŸ™ ], and right before they had to go home, we quickly had fun throwing around some knalerwtjes in front of the house.  

The videos I made I can’t upload, because of some server related issues. 

Some pictures:

She made this picture of me πŸ™‚ β™₯

She’s very talented πŸ™‚

This is the avatar she made of me

And this is the avatar I made of her. I forgot to choose the background, I see now πŸ™

I started to feel bad when they and their stepmother – who I know since I was little – invited me over to celebrate the count down of New Year’s with them and stick to my personal hidden agenda. 

In the end, you live for yourself. Only you have to see your perception 24/7, feel your emotions and body 24/7, reason the way you do, live through the decisions you (have to) make, et cetera. 

I do feel bad for leaving young children with questions and leaving behind my Cuddles and Graeynissis, with only my strategy and not my physical existence, but anything is better than another year of being powerless in this dumb world. I’m watching New Year’s reflections at De Wereld Draait Door. I will not miss not living anymore, seriously. I won’t give a fuck. All I need to do, is somehow stop thinking about those who love, and accept that they’ll never join my revolution. 
I need the acknowledgement of anyone, to be able to set in motion my revolution. My revolution is planned in such a way that it takes days, instead of years. I’m going to stop talking about it, because I’m far too passionate about it, and no one gives a fuck. 

It’s time to get drunk by myself πŸ™‚ .

~~~

23:31 (11:31 PM) 

I’m still watching TV. The word of 2018, according to mister Huibrechts, is “spermahond”. That means sperm dog. It’s to search for the sperm on a crime scene, apparently. I want to die πŸ™‚ . What perve got that idea? Who’s torturing those dogs with training? This country can just go to shit and I shouldn’t give a fuck. 

~~~

23:48 (11:48 PM) 

The problem about wanting to commit suicide, is that the location I’m at isn’t that convenient. The staircase at my parents’ house is better. But if I can succeed in the closed vicinity of a mental institution, I can succeed in it anywhere. Don’t think of afterwards, just think of now πŸ™‚ . 

I saved myself some palpitations by changing the channel πŸ™‚ 

Doubts… I want to escape my perception for good

I wanted to get drunk, but I don’t want to empty someone else’s stash of alcohol… That champagne from that borrel got me tipsy after a few sips, though. 

~~~