14:35 (02:35 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

That video, for which I’ve been recording yesterday, too, will have to wait… I’m not going to upload something I’m not proud of, and to feel that for a video, I need a better location and Graeynissis to film with, I notice… I’m too alone in my content, which isn’t attractive to an audience. 

No special e-mails in my mailbox today… I’m going to eat something, write down the full story concept for the NTI series – because I’m thinking of giving that all away at once and seperating that part from the book series – while my food digests and then go jogging later. Meow xxx

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21:49 (09:49 PM) 

Running was nice. It was veryyy cold, though, and my running pants are too large for me now, so every time I tried to sprint, they sagged beyond my butt, which was quite annoying, so I didn’t run for long. 

Meoww my situation is getting so trippy x_x. I’m in semi-ragdoll-mode, waiting to see if I have a shot at support of my [independent…? Then it would not be independent anymore? Unless everyone who might become involved, does this independently, instead of in the name of the University, which is (partially?) sponsored by the government (if I’m correct). Whether it’s done independently or not, doesn’t matter to me that much anymore… As long as it’s put into practice] research project. It seems like my last hope. It’s also what I betted the Volta of my external factors on. 

If the University [I know it’s usually not necessarily with a capital letter] accepts my offer, that means that people who agree with my vision exist – otherwise it shouldn’t be accepted – and I’ll finally have a “tangible argument” against those who say that I’m all alone in my stance and that I should let go of my beliefs and conform myself to the proletarian existence [that is every fucking person I speak of my endeavors with]. It’s my last hope, because it’s certain those who don’t believe in me would ever help me. And what I want to accomplish, can’t be accomplished all by myself, for it touches on sooooo many different types of expertise. 

Of course I do not want to cause pressure on the selection process. (Especially when the doubt is still about whether or not to allow me in at all.) For some reason my mom wants to read my book, even though she always tells me that she can’t understand my writing. I expected people from my social circle to not read my books again, so I was fully open and honest about how I feel about my current life and its recent past. (In the parts where I use myself to show how the method works. If it works for me, it will work for you, too, for sure.) I didn’t buy copies on purpose, because I don’t want them to read it. I want future pioneers to read it… My Graeynissis… They can understand me 🙁 . If she really orders it, it’s only a matter of time, until the giganticness of my façade becomes clear. And I will want to distance myself from this life forever, right away, the way I actually already want things to be, since 2017. I don’t want a dramatic discussion. And especially no therapy x_x. It’s a great controversy. You should read it hahaha….. 

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23:41 (11:41 PM) 

That dramatic discussion is only if my content is understood. But, of course, that’s the risk that is taken, now that I chose to publish (another) book that involves my personal situation. A serious occupation that involves Graeynissis, I’ll devote all of the time I have to, would save me from that, though. It would also make me happy and give me the distance I so desperately need. 

My occupation while waiting haha meow… Spider stays cool 😀 . But I would love to do something more fun and challenging… 

Tomorrow, I’ll work on my SEO [so many of my posts are undefined in search engines] and make a sitemap. I’ll also make my version of pasta carbonara and write an article I’ll use as my cornerstone…

I hope tomorrow will bring me good news 😀 . 

Good night

I love you ♥

xxx –