Monday, January 7, 2019

02:11 (AM) 

Meow excuse my delay. I’m tired and that makes me slow 🙁 . I think it’s the most healthy to wait with what I wanted to share with you – it’s a lot of thoughts – until I’ve had some better rest. Then I’ll also not feel like rushing it. 

I’m in bed now, wearing socks until my feet get warm [I wish I had a warm body to cuddle [klinkt het alsof ik over een lijk praat? HAHAHA dat bedoel ik niet. I’m talking about finding Cuddle loveee] to replace my socks with… Would you truly love to warm my feet? Meoow people like that are almost extinct and very hard to find.] and since I can’t fall asleep with cold feet, I can still keep you company, until my legs don’t end with these size 41 ice cubes anymore. 

Laking makes it warmer underneath the sheets, too 🙂 . Meoow. I don’t know if my frequency (and slight dependence) is(/are)  healthy, though…

I’ll set my alarm for 10 o’clock, because to cancel a phycisians appointment without being charged for it, you need to do that 24 hours in advance. I’m also going to ask what the fuck ze gedeclareerd hebben, since I haven’t seen a doctor in this fucking country since 2017. And then I’ll call doctor Cuddle’s practice [“the main practice he works at” applies better, but that’s more typing] and ask when he’s available. I might be able to go there again now that my mother is willing to bring me there. The problem is that she seems not appreciative of me wanting to use the findings from Germany for my legal case regarding my emotional and physical damage, as a result of the authoritarian psychopaths destroying my life. 

I feel another wave of powerlessness in that… I need justice. And money 🙁 . The type of pillow I need, which will cause my neck to not hurt – I think that might be the cause of my headache – is not cheappp. 

Are there any volunteers who are very eager to help me clear my name and road trip to doctor Cuddle’s practice with me? Because I will be stressed the fuck out all of the time if I have to go there with someone who just wants to see if I’m sane or not and then try to get me to that heartless Dutch phycisian of mine. Or any other Dutch phycisian. Isn’t it clear that I’m so done with the Dutch health care system? All they focus on is symptoombestrijding, but never on solving the cause of the symptoms. And then they give up whenever they get the chance and start to kill you with morphine. More about that after my resting. Voor zover ik daartoe in staat ben… 🙁 [that was about resting]

My feet are warm enough now 🙂 

Slaap zacht, mijn liefste ♥

I love you 😽

– xxx –

07:12 (AM) 

Ah meoow my feet cooled off quickly before I was able to lake myself to sleep, and then my thoughts kept me awake. Now my stomach is demanding nutrition again, but I basically haven’t had a proper good night’s rest in…. Yeah since that time I was alone in Enschede, I think… 

I don’t want to get out of bed, but I’m “in the mood for” (variation, actually) bitter melon and solanum macrocarpon. I so want to sleep 🙁 . 

The Head Cuddle [ = my head B ♥… I intended to keep it a secret, until I kept being forced to speak (it still took them monthsssssssssss)] reminded me of red meat 😻 . My mouth is watering now… I might spend my last cash on going to the butcher later. For a tiny piece of the tastiest meat. And some fresh tuna… 😻 Then I also catch some “fresh air”. It’s just “alternative to inside air is outside air”, because Dutch outside air is just as deadly as inside air. I can’t stand all of the noise from (the concept of) outside, but I like walking, so…

I’m going to eat some yoghurt to silence my stomach, check when the butcher opens and hope that I’m done before 10 AM, because you shouldn’t have another kutgesprek on an empty stomach 🙂 . [This because – is it Dutch¿ – me cancelling the appointment might be followed by the “why” question. Ugh. Even when the soonest moment I could be helped in Germany were in 2 weeks, I would rather die than see that bitch who called me incompetent and believes it, again. I also want to share my philosophy on the wall situation with you, later 🙂 ] Ttyl xxx

~~~

08:11 (AM) 

Meowss. I suddenly sooo lovee plain yoghurt :). Usually I consume that with a crazy amount of honey. 

Meoww I see the butchery opened at 8 🙂 . There’s no fish store in the distance I’ll be able to walk with this amount of nutrition in my system, without passing out. 

I’ll be finishing this, showering – need to time this right, since this meow who apparently also has a cat onesie [with a tail! The Coolniss 😀 ], lives the 40 hours niss, has to go to work, and I don’t want to make him be late – and cooking my type of lunch I haven’t cooked for myself in such a long time. I haven’t even had lunch in like… How many weeks? It has been “breakfast” [iets om je holle kies mee te vullen (dat is een spreekwoord)] and dinner only, for quite some time now. The tired Fangs on a budget life. I’m also getting veryyyyyyyyyyyy tired of typing so much all of the time x_x. 

But I do have some interesting things to share with you later 🙂 . 

~~~

09:24 (AM) 

Tired petje is going to “run” [with the state of my health, I can’t even run… While I love sprinting 🙁 ] to the store and still be in time for that ughhhh phone call. 

Fucking hateee when pedestrians look at me while they talk, when I walk past them outside

~~~

11:42 (AM) 

I see another awesome loophole opportunity to get closer to solving my case 😀

Here’s how I got there:

For some reason, this little boss ass daredevil gave me hope

I did my grocery shopping and calling off my Dutch phycisian (including requesting information about unsubscribing) all before 10:30 🙂 . Die klok loopt zelfs vier minuten voor 🙂 .

I expexting to be making a decision between entrecote and kobe or something. But they didn’t even have that… This kogelbiefstuk cost me €5,95 and it looked like it can’t be eaten rare or even medium-rare (it was on a big bulk of meat and I asked for two plaques…). In my neighborhood I can get better quality food for less… It’s because of the ratio between people and food, plus food wishes 

My bitter melon was overdue, so I chose to eat the solanum macrocarpon (“antroewa” in het Sranang Tongo) with green asperges 🙂

My mother told me it’s healthier to garnish with butter, instead of to fry with it

Meowss I feel better alreadyy

Location revealedd

I three different topics were discussed in those few minutes. The assistant’s predictable answers [answers are always even worse than I expect them] makes my situation feel like I have a bit more hope

On the phone, I asked the assistant/receptioniste to cancel tomorrow’s appointment. She asked if that is because I am better now. I told her “No, it’s because I have found someone who wants to bring me to Germany.” She then started saying things, but I interrupted her with: “Ik heb twee vragen. De eerste is wat er vrijdag is gedeclareerd.” Then she told me that they didn’t do anything, that I should check it myself online and that it might be the new annual registration tariff. [And then I thought It’s sooo coincidental that she’s talking about registration [grrr fucking weird answer by the way], because of what my last question ever is!!!] I replied: “Okay. My last question is what the procedure of unsubscription of this practice is.” 

She told me that my new physician should then textually contact the practice, and then they will officially transfer my file. Guess what I’ll then be discussing at my very long appointment with doctor Cuddle this coming Saturday 😻. Haha me having someone from Germany as main phycisian (to be), is sooo against the whole point of that Dutch health care system. But I’ve lost my faith in it. I’ve basically never had faith in it.

Not only because I’ve lost so many people in my life. Also because the ratio between people and the amount of hospitals available, in all of the Netherlands… Is… Hopeless…? There’s also no space for a new big hospital, where it’s needed. Het IJsselland ziekenhuis [fuck a capital “Z” on this one], for example, is the nearest hospital for all people in Capelle aan den IJssel (so Capelle West, Capelle Schollevaar, Capelle ‘s Gravenland [where I (should I say “used to”?) “live”], Oostgaarde, Middelwatering…) and Rotterdam Oost (Prins Alexander, Lageland, Oosterflank en Ommoord [and more?]). Het gebouw zelf ziet er al uit als een noodvoorziening… And they do severe morphine treatments… Why the fuck does someone have to go to school for more than 4 years, to only do symptoombestrijding and “extreme ingrepen” and other than that are educated to thin out the Dutch population “of its weaklings”…?? That sounds very World War Two “resurfaced”, to me… The authority of “law enforcement” psychiatrists and shiz, too… 

~~~

13:08 (01:08 PM) 

Meoww I’ve made the appointment for Saturday, because I thought of how to get the most of his time. There are still more symptoms to research the origin of… My heart feels happy and safe, when I’m around him. (He knows that I have trust issues with doctors and he’s a very good listener.) I always want an appointment to last forever. [I’m such “a hopeless romantic” hahaha…]

Also, my muscles are crazyyy tight, so I’m happy to be able to finally get a long session of osteopathy :D. Before that, there are a lot of things to discuss! 

So “length-of-appointment”-wise, I love Saturday. But when it comes to the current state of my health… 

Opening the door this morning and being exposed to outside air, already made me feel slightly dizzy. It’s scary, knowing that your body could give out at any second. Somehow I made there and back. 

But now I’m tired from that small moment of being outside and cooking. And eating, of course. On the phone with the assistant of my soon to be not anymore my (Dutch) phycisian, I was dealing with veryyyyy severe breathing problems, from the stress. It was definitely hearable. 

Ik schrok me om 12 uur trouwens ook weer te gewoonlijke tering, door dat kut luchtalarm. Denkend: Water!! Water!! Neeeee!! Water? Ooh nee het is twaalf uur.

Meow too tired to continue typing xxxx 

~~~

20:36 (08:36 PM) 

Food petje 😀

The soup is nice 🙂

I’m sharing my visje with Jam 🙂

On the situation with the wall:

It’s craazyyy how ignorant people can be these days. Everyone in the world has an opinion about President Trump and his wall. 

The media calls it fucked up, so people call it fucked up. It’s not there, so truthfully, they can’t know if it will be fucked up. 

Everyone has heard about the Berlin wall in school (sort of) and might relate it to that. But that’s a misinterpretation. 

If he would want to build that wall in between Maryland and Pennsylvania, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If he were to demand it to be built on Mexican soil, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If it were European countries building walls in between each other, that would be against the law, because in the European Union, borders are open. 

[I must say there should be an exception made for Germany and Belgium, because they should be allowed to defend themselves from flooding, when the Netherlands flood(s).]

[Die shit met de Waddeneilanden, I consider a sign of God, trouwens. And I don’t even consider myself a religious person (anymore) hahaha.]

But people should realize that he’s a politician who actually has a good plan. 

You see, illegal immigrants… Are illegal. So… They should just be legal immigrants… Immigrating legally. Maybe Mexico also needs better politics, and that wall might be a good incentive. 

Mind you that refugees are not illegal immigrants. Especially when a country has a hand in a war that causes mass migration, refugees should be allowed in. But still it’s important that people live purposeful lives and not just claim a spot, for the sake of claiming it, to do nothing with it, afterwards. 

But if you can’t get the democrats to cooperate – they always want to talk too much and never really improve anything but just $$$$$ eww – maybe they will, if it’s a wall made of very thick bulletproof glass? Or maybe a very high electric fence? Popsicle sticks…?

On the law enforcement people: they’re given a holiday? Those people must be criminals with an authority and anger problem. An addiction to it maybe, even. I mean being an authoritarian fuck all day must be stressful, so if you’re not paid for it, you should not work. 

This man who was interviewed for it, on the Dutch late night news, yesterday, said that otherwise people are going to escape. How about they link the cameras there to the hobby room in their home (because they have hobbies right hahahahaha), and put a digital sniper rifle in that panopticum tower of theirs, to shoot anyone who runs out. 

Then the captivated people can have some fun time, too. “You know where to find the snacks. I’m going to Ibiza 🙂 .” [Of course they might also start killing each other. But people should just let people be.]

What I wanted to say about forbidden office romance, is that is very much shouldn’t be!!!! It’s insane! Love is one of the few fun things in life 🙁 . At least to this catje 🙁 . 

Of course, a lot of people won’t be able to handle it, and a workplace might become like a zoo. (Not everyone is able to concentrate on working, so quickly resides to talking nonsense and distracting others.)

“See that girl there two tables away…?” Haha while the world then becomes a more dumb pile fucking mess, I can be kissing with my Graeynissis, while taking over the world 🙊.

Meoww this is the exact opposite order I intended to tell things yesterday, but my spontaneous red meat craving (actually still unsatisfied) changed things around. I’m still thirsty… 

But even more tired, and because of that, I’ll be going to call it a day. (I wish doctor Cuddle were my neighbor… I need eyes of true medical understanding on me 🙁 .)

Good night ♥

I love you

– xxx –