14:52 (02:52 PM)
My suitcase weighs 15 kg, according to the weighing scale I was able to put it on, right before my father entered the house. He just came back from visiting my grandmother. He called me downstairs to strongly advice me not to visit her. Her accusations, distrust and pessimism have gone out of control. I already noticed it on the phone today. She never wants to talk to me, but suddenly my mother gave the house phone to me, earlier today, saying that she wants to talk to me.
I said hello and asked her how she was doing. She said she was not doing good (and nothing else). I asked her why and she said “because of a lot of factors”. From the sentiment in her voice, I knew that if I would continue asking her questions, a series of false accusations was going to follow. That’s how it goes. E-ve-ry time. So I said: “I’m very sad to hear that.” She said: “May I speak to your father?” The shortest phone conversation in the history of phone calls I’ve ever “received”.
My father came back with the news that she accused me of stealing €600 cash from her and a birthday present she received from someone else, but suddenly wanted to give back. And I “stole her silverware”. I always ask her: “Why would I take that from you?” Because I’m always the one being accused of shit. My father told her to not give us things anymore. She said that she still wants to give my sister, because my sister doesn’t steal from her. She believes that, because my sister never visits her, so she can’t be the one who’s “stealing things”, when my grandmother is not able to find something. The last time my sister has seen my grandmother was also in February, when I was staying there. She came there once to sleep after a night out and the night before she also dropped by to borrow my drivers’ license to get into a club. The only time she texts me is always to borrow something from me or ask what time I’m done cooking (her) dinner request. I’ll show you this hurtful chat history one day. I need to talk about it with someone, because no one in this country I have ever met, is able to relate to this form of neglection and sadness.
I thought of walking in and chatting with her a little bit, when I visit, but I won’t be able to endure that hurtfulness for more than a second. I’m going to make a picture of her with the mangoes in the door opening and send that to the family group chat. Then I’m going to make a run for it. I hope my sister will be in school before that and my father will have gone to work before that.
18:19 (06:19 PM)
What makes me sad the most if that, if anyone in my environment just would have focused on love instead of negative judgment, none of this would have happend. Even that guy that used to be a journalist, who interrupted me while filming yesterday, to ask me what I was doing (which made me lose precious time to use my camera, of which the battery was dying, but then it still showed two out of three stripes), said I won’t succeed with my mission, because a lot of people in the history of mankind have tried to do the same thing, but they all failed. That is THE Dutch propaganda answer EVERYONE has told me. LITERALLY EVERYONE!!!!! Or that I need to follow their vision to correct the layout of a logo or website I’ve showed them, because it doesn’t look like everything else “professional”. “Professionality” is the most fictive, over-propagandized, least creative concept of all time. It’s about content. Not about looks. For me. I know it isn’t for those who hate to use their brains. Those people aren’t part of my target audience.
I want to do things differently. If you’re not open to seeing things differently, then maybe it’s better that we don’t work together on this project. It’s not fun working together, if we’re not on the same page, right? “You should use a different color than blue” for my Unitainers logo. If someone says: “I’m not going to use this product, only because the logo is blue,” I would feel sad for the product, if that loveless person would buy it. “There’s too much line height in the caption next to your image,” was the “professional feedback” I got for the layout of https://elia-pr.com. I think it looks pretty that way. If someone would not want to do business with me, only because of that, I would feel relieved. These people need to stop being unnecessarily critical, since they don’t even dare to operate on the same level as I.
23:08 (11:08 PM)
I still have to start editing, write the goodbye letter and edit the websites. I’m getting up at seven… Speaking of getting up at seven… I’m going to create some alarms.
23:11 (11:11 PM)
I wanted to go home to do something about the fact that my stomach was making hunger noises again. In such a way that it impacted my level of energy. I wanted to eat some more of the vegan pasta I made today, but it was basically finished.
Here’s the recipe (draft).