I feel like I should talk about my grandfather, but living only with the memory of him, Rudi Harold Hanenberg, makes me miss him so much, talking about him makes me so sad 😿😿…
He has been such an important person in my life, that I still can’t believe that he’s not with us anymore. His loving character is one of a kind.
One of the things I would like to include during the research process for my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis, is the development of an artificial intelligence device that is a replica of him.
So I distract myself from feelings like this… It’s an un-Stoic (that is “not Stoic” in Cuddle…) habit of mine. The question is written in Dutch.
“Zou je liever rijk of liever beroemd willen zijn?”
The words separately translated make: “Would you rather be ritch or rather be famous?” “Would [Zou] you [je] rather [liever] be [zijn] ritch [rijk] or [of] rather [liever] (“want to”) be [willen ( = want to) zijn] famous [beroemd]?”
“Would you rather be rich or famous?”
I think that with money you can achieve more than with fame. So I would rather be rich than famous, because with money I can pursue my dreams of developing a new ecosystem for people to live in, among other things. It is part of what I want D.O.C.I.S. International to grow out into.
This is a Pickwick tea question. I’m not paid to post this or anything… It was in the tea drawer. My mother bought it. I also don’t earn anything on my blog. No one is clicking on my ads [I haven’t really inserted them often, because I think it is a disturbance from reading], so other than my study financing of €961 euros per month and my “zorgtoeslag” of €95 euros per month, my income is 0 and since it’s a university for working students, just like last year, my next study year starts in January. Also, no one is buying my books. The “I don’t know what to expect”-factor must be great in this. And the buzzkill emotions of mine that surface sometimes. I hope that with the free eBook, this might change. And the fact that I’m not “an online personality with a lot of followers and a chiseled presentation on social media”, so people might not want to hear what I have to say, or consider me the intellectual authority I want to be. (That is based on that in a conversation, 90% of the time, the person I’m talking to, is trying to debunk what I say.)
Some things in my life need to drastically change. I can’t keep writing towards the climax forever. At some point, I need to reach it and not being there is eating at me. Another thing that is eating at me, is the “recent” distance in my personality. By “recent”, I mean that it has surfaced in the past three years. The forms of shock my heart has been through in the past few years, has made me distant from people who have contributed to it and from people I can’t predict, because I’m afraid that they’ll do the same. This fear I need to strategically overcome, because otherwise I can’t do business and ever live happily, etc.
Sometimes, I think back of something I’ve written down here and I wish that I could take it back. I’m very strict towards myself in that I can solely add more words, to make my statement more clear, and never take away any written down aspects of my thoughts and feelings of that day, so that I/we can learn from reading back. I really shouldn’t have stated certain things about wanting a certain person all to myself et cetera… I am also still not sure about if my gut feelings about fathership are awkwardly wrong or somehow intuitively right. I should then, if it were true – which is what I strongly hope – not want to disrupt his habitat. I think that want comes from having missed out on him so much and being afraid of how the people in his community will look at me, so I wanted to, relatively isolated, hide my fears away in his arms. Just facing it seems the right way to overcome this. Meeting his [I’m not sure if I should say “my”?] family makes me a bit nervous, but I shouldn’t be, because they look far too adorable to be like some people from my environment.
Vaguely, I remember having these “Where is papa?” conversations when I was younger. But it’s a strange insight, if you look at my last name. I should then have a different last name? Maybe not wanting to have a child on such a young age, could be understandable. But in my “adult life”, it’s a form of absence that leaves so many questions. Especially because I’ve been taught to call someone else “papa”, if my gut and eyes are right about him not being my biological father.
I need to shower, eat and start working on the soup for dinner and continue to work on my business plan. I also have another book deadline the 30th. It’s just going to be D.O.C.I.S., because the new episode had 0 sales. The concept of the book series might still not be clear, so D.O.C.I.S. will make things a lot clearer. Consider it an alteration to the book series. To, at some point, inform the masses, I’ll really need to assemble a camera crew etc.
The couch on which I’ve been sleeping for two nights now, lays very nice, but it is also an extreme way to see that I really need to start earning and get my own place.
The soup is almost done…
My situation with my origin and background in the context of who my father is, surfaced in a high a few days ago. Before that, it hadn’t been in my memory for over a decade or something. You can see it surface in the diary post of that day. Before that, I was still looking at him [I’m gonna go for saying that my gut feeling about him being my father is real] from a different love perspective. A perspective that doesn’t change that easily and that I actually don’t want to see change. Television has set such a bad example for relationships like this. It’s always yelling and drama and “no public displays of family affection”. I want to do it completely differently. My character is too soft for that dramatic “You are not my father!” type of relationship or an equivalent of that anyway. I’m like a small kitten that feeds off and gives a lot of love.
Meoww, to this day I’m dealing with a lot of nightmares – a lot less now that I’m back at smoking weed almost as often as when I was with my ex, though – and every time I wake up – I wonder if I scream in my sleep¿ – I need to calm myself down and wait until I’m done shivering out of fear. Something like that could take all night, because my nightmares are veryyy lucid.
In a situation like that, I feel so lonely and I wish that I could then be cuddled to sleep by someone loving and protective, who knows how intense the effect of the experience actually is. Whatever happens, my facial expression doesn’t show how I truly feel. This is something I’ve been doing since the moment I started to be forced to talk, by very uncomfortable methods, in the beginning of last year. You need to know me very well, to understand the thoughts behind my words and actions. Honestly, I don’t think anyone in my current physical realm knows me that well. I would be very happy to learn that my father is somewhere else out there. That would mean that there’s an end to my days of loneliness, because I believe that the character of a child is based on that of his or her parents, whether or not he or she is raised by both of them. I still seek for mutual judgment…
The trippiest part about this is the situation with my last name. I want to have my father’s last name. If the man who I’ve been calling my father all my life, the man whose house I live in and whose last name I have, is not my father, I was supposed to have my mother’s last name. I was then supposed to be named Dominique Hanenberg, like the man whose house I live in has the last name of his mother, instead of Dominique Elia. He was raised without his father :(. His last name and my last name would have been Newman, if his father and his mother (so not my grandmother¿) would have stayed in touch.
My mother married him while she was pregnant – that’s why there’s a two weeks difference between their wedding anniversary (Oct 14) and my birthday (Nov 1) – so maybe there was an assumption that I was his…? Ah, meow, that’s a bit awkward x_x.
I finished and ate my soup – “okersoep” – while I wrote this. I’m working on my laptop right now and my phone is blasting music via the aux cable, so I don’t have any pictures of my soup.
Now, back to my business overture/investment proposal and D.O.C.I.S. The clock is ticking… My escapade to Germany and the lack of engagement made the deadline slip my memory, but I’m on it!
Making these deadlines is going to be tight. I find finding investors more important than releasing a new Nosce Te Ipsum episode, because the project has no engagement, so I want to have my overture finished, before I finish the episode.
My Cuddle, are you on Reddit? I just made an account. I’m still seeking for that one social network where I can find Graeynissis. My account name is _lilfangs
. If you have an account, please follow me so that I can follow you back.