13:36

Hi♥

What I transferred to my prepaid credit card, still hasn’t been received yet, but the other bills have been deducted from my debit account, so I’m “back on minus”… Which method to use, to never come back to this level… 

My opinions are either working full-time for another boss [honestly, I’d rather die], or receiving engagement from my audience. I think most of the people who are interested in what I do, are much older than me. That’s Cuddle 😻🙊 

In this situation, finding my inner peace is even more complicated. As long as I don’t know where my B is and why he is not responding to me in the physical realm, I won’t be able to rest properly. Let’s say it’s because he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore – something waaaaay too many people I used to call my friends have told me – then I think I at least have the right to know why. [I would kill myself. I hold on to the thought of ever seeing him again, to stay alive.]

The other factor is: “How to buy a house that suits the status I want to obtain?” I need at least two degrees to earn that through not my own business. It feels incorrect to want to do high segment international business, but to live in a social housing project. In the beef, my father said: “Who do you think you are, to be too high class for social housing?” This dumb motherf***… I have never said that I consider myself too classy. I mean, if there really are no other options, then of course I would do it. But it’s a waste, let’s say I’m going to work 40 hours a week to earn to pay my rent, to spend 45% of my income on the rent of a house I don’t want to grow old in and I actually don’t even want to live in. Then, it would be better to save up and live with my parents. But now that they want to take even more serious measures, living with them is not an option anymore, to me. I feel quite comfortable in this hotel room, besides the fact that I don’t have many options to work and/or entertain myself outside.

When it comes to my finances – a form of stress that is constantly eating at me – I can basically become homeless at any moment – which is still better than going back home. My parents could have supported me in moving to California with soooo much ease – besides having to cover up money that is earned illegally. It’s earned that way for no reason, if you don’t even spend it (efficiently)… [Efficiently as in: move out of that house, if you keep using it as a data center; give your children/family/friends something, do some charity stuff… He has also absorbed all heritages and stuff… Never in my life have I earned something from a heritage or family property being sold…]

Today, I’ll buy some essentials that I will need for the rest of my life as a travelling cuddle. The last time I ran out of money, I asked my mother for help. The options she gave me – I wanted to search for a job and an apartment in California – all included her buying me a ticket back to the Netherlands and me ending up working and earning to pay for social housing myself. But still, what she rented for me in Enschede, was enough for me to use to live in California. Especially if you would add the one way ticket price to that…

House keeping wants to do their things, while I still need to shower. I’ll be “right” back…

15:14 

Something that causes inner ferocity to this day, is that I’ve had at least one “investment fund bank account” [the translation of “polis” as the word “policy” is incorrect in this context]. The money was frozen until I turned either 14 or 16. My father always hides behind the argument: “You don’t know how to keep your money.” And “It’s my money,” because he paid the deposits. He said that he was going to use it to buy a new piano. (It was €14.000…) He didn’t buy that fucking piano. God knows where my money went. The new piano, that was placed in the house last year [more than 4 years later for sure], was bought by my grandmother [mother’s mother]. The piano we had before that, was bought by my other grandmother. [Two middle fingers for the psychiatric nurse who said: “The last time I saw you, you sounded so very grateful towards your parents. You said that they gave you a piano. Take your medication.” She fucking misinterpreted my words.] R.I.P. to all of the business ideas I’ve had when I was younger, he didn’t want to invest in… 

15:58 

Lunch/breakfast/????? My sleeping/eating schedule is trippyyy

How do you say “Berliner bol” in German? The sugar covered bread filled with jam is called that, in Dutch. I used to go to the bakery with my grandmother on a specific day of the week, to eat that. 

18:01

Above and below this text, you should see very short videos about me talking about hoarding cheap essentials, now that my account isn’t maxed out yet. 

I’ll explain my financial strategy a little more extensive: 
Just like when I was in the US, there will be a moment where I either won’t be able to pay for a place to stay or to pay for food anymore. Now, I have all essentials that will allow me to survive (besides that I will have to buy food again). The only thing missing for my strategy is a chain lock, onto which I can attach my suitcase, when I have found my homeless home spot somewhere outside. 

By means of saving, I’m eating yesterday’s salad and tiramisu for dinner, today. Another financial measure I’ll take is keeping my bank account empty in such a way, that the insurance company can’t deduct shit from my account and I can pay this to doctor Cuddle. 

What I transferred to my prepaid account still isn’t there…? I want to use it to rent a car so that I can visit “a” doctor and then head to this other city I would rather be homeless in than here. There, I’ll stay in the cheapest hotel – my birthday excluded – until I can’t afford it anymore. 

After my salad, I’ll go for a run. After that, I’ll finally be able to wash both my natural hair and my wig, since I didn’t pack anything for that, when I left. 

Ohh I spotted some eye candy todayy, damn. Not that I engage in that. I wish I had these Sweetnissis as my friends, though. That would be Sweetnissimus :D.

19:40

The videos I posted earlier weren’t uploaded properly. I’m now trying it by cropping them with a different app. When they’re done, I’m going for a run. 

The running shoes I have at home, have a hole where my right big toe is. So I’m very glad I didn’t take them with me and finally bought new ones. 

21:44

I just came back from sprinting in intervals and developing my own fighting technique. It was soo chill :D. My intention was to work out for 45 minutes, like my doctor advised me, but I ended up doing:

I put it in walk mode, because I practice fighting in a walking pace. My location is off, which is why the speed ratio is 0/0.

It’s great for stretching, too :D. 

I also just saw that I passed both mathematics and statistics :D.

23:35

My work out was in two parts. This was the other one:

When I was younger, we sometimes practiced certain combat techniques, without pads or gloves. My shoulders used to hurt from throwing punches in the air, because I used too much force for a punch that wasn’t received by anything or anyone. Today, when I was practicing, I controlled my technique and force much better, compared to when I was younger. I have practiced pençak silat from about age 6 until about age 12. 

I’m going to reason some and then go to sleep. There’s a lot of work I want to do tomorrow. 

Good night ♥ 

xxx