00:32 (12:32 AM)
Hanging out was nice :]. I really needed that change of scenes.
Meoww, one day left until a possible positive and new turning point in my life. I’m excited either way: I’m in desperate need of new experiences. I could also “use some Graeyniss” in my life right now… It’s nice to do the things I used to do, socially, but the inner craving for working on myself and my career, needs to be satisfied on the level I want it to be on, for me to be able to provide myself with the comfort I desire.
By comfort, I don’t mean owning a lot of material for the sake of owning it. I mean having the space and tools to do the things I like doing: to make music, play sports, write and to *synonym of “do”* other forms of being creative and doing business. Because I like doing things and I want to achieve things within my spectrum of reasoning. I do not want to live the same routine, because, personally, I think that that has nothing to do with living. It’s doing what is necessary to survive, which is cool: I want to survive, too, [most of the time, lately, because I think I see the path to prosperity, I think… But in the long term, I’m still in need of my B, for both mental and physical reasons, honestly…] but I want to see more of life than what you see when you’re “just surviving”.
Even though I’ve never done this before – and part of me says that it is indirectly socially prohibited from their side – I would love to know what it’s like to spend most of my time with Graeynissis [= not necessarily – but in my “”stereotypical”” mental image almost always “the feature” for a friendly match – grey haired men. Any type of person who has that same intense desire to be successful and get the most out of life, experiencing very different things regularly, not wanting to live a continuous cycle forever]. I always want the type of conversation I can’t have with just everyone.
I wonder, when you spend time with someone of the sex you’re attracted to, do you then always intend this to lead to intimacy?
I’m attracted to both men and women. Never have I really ever made that type of move on a girl, though, because I might faint from the “but are you in to me or not¿” and then the thinking of: “I want to please you better than I please myself, but I’ve never done this before with someone of the same sex…”
The way I prefer to see a physically intimate relationship develop itself, is by first becoming close friends. In our friendship, love should already be deeprooted, for it to be comfortable in the long term, I think. We’ll always need water or something else to drink, when we’re together, because we have so much to talk about, that our throats start to get extremely dry after a while. I should be very passionate about who you are and what you do, and you should feel the same way about me.
When we’re doing this as friends, and we’re both [aside from mentally] physically attracted to each other, this form of unspoken – if you’re doing it “right”, by which I mean that the experience of the following emotion is only possible by not having attraction as the first topic of conversation [this is important, because if the physical relationship doesn’t last, attraction will fade as a topic of conversation, leaving nothing to talk about, if the relationship was built on solely physical attraction] – attraction will suddenly blossom itself, because this form of “amical abstinence” has become a physical challenge, because our bodies are craving for each other… With that short/long waiting period, the orgasm you’ll experience is much better than when sex is the focus of the interaction from the start. [The both aspect is sooo important. I’m so tired of dudes trying to get in my pants… I need to be able to let out my self-expression on the details of my empire/legacy, in which I don’t want to be alone, but I currently kind of am, when it comes to details and actively working towards it… Also, I suck at saying “no”… (So did my needs, but that has been fixed, for mutual ambitions now fully determine if I’m able to get turned on from someone or not.)]
I haven’t – except for once, recently, in a high pace, where, unfortunately, the height difference and the difference in how we go about our ambitions take away the spark, for me – had this type of relationship, ever. It’s just what I’ve been imagining since I was very young(“er”), basically… This imagining includes/included all cuddled up playing video games in bed, being shown everything he/she has ever written, mutual judgment – finishing each other’s sentences – and always solely lift each other up. Never the opposite. That because I think I’ve basically just taught myself breathing techniques to survive strokes [of the heart… I guess it suits the sexual context as well, but that’s still oriented on the “my heart really sometimes feels as though it’s gonna give out”-perspective, “because” if you don’t take my tight walls into consideration…]. Bullshit fights in a relationship hurt my heart too much. I prefer to avoid pain and easily make new friends, so I’m ve-ry Stoic when it comes to losing relationships. Especially if we’re not working towards the same thing, in the long term.
*Random “intermezzo”*: I’m thinking of publishing music under the name of “Lil Fangs”…? And then writing (and doing business…¿) under Daniëlle Lucy [sounds a bit like a bed cat name haha, but I likee. Is it the type of name about which a jealous person in a relationship would say: “Don’t look at her” [which is a down side, just like that form of losing your right to attraction]]…..?
Today is my mother’s birthday. I have a quite nice idea for a birthday present (which I’ll buy today)…
I’m going to sleep. It’s 02:09 now. It was 00:07 when I started to write this post.
My sleep was abruptly stopped by “the climax” of this crazy nightmare I just had, a little earlier. They say that vividly remembering your dreams the next day isn’t possible. I say that if it’s lucid, fun, hot and/or traumatizing enough, it will stick with you, for the rest of your life.
After scaring up, I first pillow cuddled out the remaining amount of fear sensation pumping through my body, and just laid down and reasoned a while, after that. Then I decided to write it down, because even though I felt a lot of fear – which I didn’t express in my lucidity – I found the story and the thrill quite interesting.
I dreamt (or should I say “nightmared”¿) the following:
I was at a performance night at the university I used to go to, with my family. I call it that university, because I called it that in my dream, but the premises looked completely different. It was some sort of event where everyone brought their relatives. At some point during the evening, while looking outside the left wall that was fully made of glass, we saw that part of the ground outside – exactly all of it, starting from just a few steps away from the left side of the building – was slowly ascending, until it was positioned vertically. The water inside the (fucking) big lake on the premises, poured over the building first, followed by other water, until the water was as high as the vertically positioned land. [I want to draw what I mean by vertically positioned land. After I’ve found the energy to get up and eat something, I’ll do that.]
The building was getting filled up with water. Everyone was taken over by primitive urges to survive. Some broke out in chaos, others made their way, as if they had been trained for this situation. Somehow, I had the privilege of being allowed inside the university’s tower, which was attached to the building we were in, with a shaft that was later closed. [It’s funny how, through my perception as a person in that dream, I was acting semi-calm, and my real body thought: “Wtf am I doing???” Because I acted as if I had been trained, but of course, I had never seen it before, because a dream/nightmare is – mostly… At least, in this context – a one-time experience.]
I wore the best looking diving suit ever. [I’d never seen the design before, but I would wear this suit even if when not being in the water, because it looked so comfortable and pretty.] In some sort of closed off (from chaos) half inner circle part of the building, where the entrance to the shaft, to the column the reverse triangle shaped top of the very large tower was built on, was, we waited until the water levels were high enough to swim to the part of the tower, made for us to be in. I was waiting there with my mother and sister. My father had a higher type of privilege, and was entering the shaft and part of the tower somewhere else.
While waiting, we got into a verbal fight over nothing. They were still defending the system. I told them that I didn’t understand their defending and patriotism. A “funny” detail I remember, is that “They didn’t even play the “first Monday of the month” alarm sound, while they must have seen this coming.” [Sarcastic “ha-ha”, 2020…..]
I separated myself from them, when having gone through the shaft. I stayed in this part of the building where only girls lived. There, I got into a nonsensical fight, too. This girl, who was someone who attended the same high school as I – I’ve exchanged about 6 words in total with her, in my 4 entire years there – was first crying because soon, there was going to not be any television and Netflix anymore. I said that that’s actually something that made me feel so comfortable. [I feel like an outcast for not enjoying those things, now. By the way, I have no clue why she’s a nightmare villain.]
She accused me of being inconsiderate, which kind of got on my nerves. [I only said that I have different preferences???? I didn’t mention that when she started to cry. It was in the post-sadness conversation.]
While she was making tea, with one of our last bits of electricity, she did something so fucking random, which made the water boiler catch fire. While agitated, I put out the fire.
We then continued arguing. At some point, she decided to try to kick me. I got soooooo fuuucking angry from her audacity to do this. I found the reason for a fight so fucking dumb to begin with. My real body in its sleep state felt the anger, too. I grabbed the foot she tried to kick me with, and kept tossing her against the ground, until she stopped trying to attack me. The tossing motion was swinging her leg over my shoulder, followed by the rest of her body, one of her shoulders, followed by her head [because it’s sideways] touching the ground first.
The day after, I went to the library, to strategize, by myself. I had no friends or anyone (else) I could reason with, in that part of the building. I sat there, thinking: “I want to be outside and have the space to run again. I want to feel things like the wind and the light of the Sun on my body. We’re under water so deep, that seeing the surface might never be possible. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I need to get away from here, where everyone is in “survival mode”, doing the most crazy shit and being even more untrustworthy. I want to be an artist and a scientist. But it will take me years to distinguish myself here and rank-up my privilege. The thought of experiencing this shit for that long drives me crazy! And I miss Benoît so much…”
And then I woke up with my right temple throbbing. It felt as if I had been screaming in real life and had taken a hit to the head.
17:02 (05:02 PM)
Some responses to my ASKfm questions have shocked me. My answer to the question would be “no”.
I need to edit the picture. For that I use Whatsapp (lol). But that means that I “have to” answer my text messages. So be “right” back. [22 messages]
I’m in the metro, on my way to the city center.
17:46 (05:46 PM)
17 new messages. I still haven’t made the screenshots, but I’ve made the image I told you about earlier. I wanted to make an “extensive” drawing, but this is all I can do:
I’m so tired….
First I was so cold. I was wearing my winter jacket to the city center. I’m now on my way home. I took off my jacket, mann….. I’m sweating so heavily, “ahahaha” [is what I do when I get nervous about the topic of conversation].
I might book a last minute train ticket to Düsseldorf, instead of driving for two hours… I feel like I can pass out at any second. But I’d rather die than take someone with me who can fuck up the entire medical examination, so…
I’m still in dubio… Driving is cheaper… I just bought myself a gift, too, since I “lost” my previous pair… My mother might be keeping an eye on my blog (to see if I’m smoking weed), so I’ll post what I bought after giving it.
19:54 (07:54 PM)
Here’s what I bought for my mother:
What I bought for myself:
21:28 (09:28 PM)
meow I have a fever
But the food is nicee. Ik heb mn eigen hoofdgerecht samengesteld haha
Battery is going to dieeee
23:51 (11:51 PM)
“If they find nothing, you’ll have to look elsewhere.”
“They’ll find something.”
[Fucking hate these conversations. I will never go to that TV therapist they’re bribing. Last time THESE ****** [my parents] were saying (while I was in serious pain): “Oh, no. It’s nothing. She’s faking it. She’s psychosomatic.” And these fucking doctors believed themmmmmm.
Meoww I’m excited about visiting Düsseldorf. I’m a little nervous about whether they’ll find something or not.
I really want them to find something. Anything.
Last time I went to IJsselland ziekenhuis, October 6, 2018, it was actually only for a regular check up. “Luckily” I somehow was in so much pain, I couldn’t sit straight anymore.** I was so happy to not have to sleep in my own bed.
I would love it if they were to let me stay over there to further examine me. If this happens – I’m telling you this is a conscious decision and I am in my right mind – just like last time I was in the hospital and these motherf****s were being inconsiderate as fuck: I do not want my parents to be allowed to visit me. Just seeing them, hearing them or thinking of them, makes my internal pains, stress levels and heart rate (while hurting like craazyy) increase on a level beyond what you would expect for a 21-year-old. These people in ijsselland first kept letting them come through, even though I told them these people make me feel like I’m about to die.
In the most ideal situation, Benoît would be my visitor [haha I told these people at ijsselland that the only visitors allowed were he, my grandmothers and my sister. They didn’t listen at alllll]. I would also like to see Ben and Milkyas. [First time posting friends’ names here.] I would love to see those who love my writing. I do not want to see those who I’ve been hanging out with, but actually don’t know who I am. If you, after I’ve been by your side for years, now still ask me to extensively text or tell you what I’m doing with my life, for the zillionth time, just so that you can comment on it: your commentary is giving me a stroke. I do the opposite of appreciating it, but I don’t say this, because commentary on my statement about how I don’t like your type of predictable negativity, is going to make my pain increase even more.
With other people on my friend list, I’m not certain if their words will nearly kill me or not. I like to play it very safe, when it comes to that…
** When I went there: “I hope they’ll let me stay,” was what was on my mind. I was already in pain and barely able to walk, when I got there. I took an extra pair of panties with me, just in case. It was reaallyyy fucked up that the pain and stress doubled, but if this medical examination confirms my thoughts on my health situation, I can finally legally redeem from that and start a new life.
I hope flehs won’t read this before I leave. They might just prevent me from leaving. [I have the same feeling as when I secretly went to the US. Secretly, because they find the US “too far for me”. FUCK. THEM.]
If they say: “You have one week left.” I’d think: “I’m still fucking glad to hear that I won’t be stuck living in my parents house for much longer.”
If they say: “We have found something very unique in your brain. I’ll contact him for you…” I’d think: “YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! :DDDDD *confetti* [ahahahahahah] My days of craving for him so heavily ARE FINALLY OVER. PLUS: KA-CHINGGGGGGGG I TOLD THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THERE WAS NOOO NEED FOR ANTIPSYCHOTICS. They’ll have to pay for the irrefutable damage they have done to my (and his) live.”
If they say: “You’re healthy. There’s nothing to see here.” I might as well kill myself because this pain is unbearable and I have a court case to win with certaintyyyy. The right examination results will give me the certainty I need.
For sure there’s something. If they don’t find it: in the Netherlands I’m a dead woman walking. Here, when they think of helping a patient, they take the costs, the remaining life span and what he/she is able to do with his/her life, into consideration. If you’re a 25-year-old stock broker, they’ll give you the best treatment. If you’re 77 and you have a very unique illness, they’ll not let you live. That’s the shit they did to my grandfather…
Meow :[ *slight change of topic*
It’s a crazy kick in the face hearing from your phycisian that she is convinced that I’m incompetent and that I belong in the world of being bossed around by these freaky doctors who probably just get turned on from the power they have over their patients. [Lie detector test?] Why the fuck else would you keep me stuck there for so fucking long? I’ve been sooo calm there. If you misbehave, you get an injection of antipsychotics in your ass and you’ll be put in a separation/isolation cell for as long as they want you to be there. Some have been in there for daaaayssssssss. There’s a mattress on the floor and a pot to piss in. (This one dude I met used his shit to fingerpaint.) Food gets shoved underneath the door every now and then. THERE’S A FUCKING CAMERA IN THAT CELL. 4 WHITE WALLS, A SHITTY MATTRESS AND A POTTY. If someone were to try to put me in there, I would kill him/her with my bare hands. That’s why I stayed so calm. I’m so intolerant of their medication shit and afraid of needles that I’d try to inject the person trying to inject me. The problem is that there’s no way out, because first-timers always start at the closed vicinity. I have no mental illness. I shouldn’t have been in that fucking traumatizing place FOR THREEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSS. FUCK. MY. PARENTS.
The shit I go through, to just have a proper place of my own… I let myself be taken in for a second opinion, because the first opinion – of my parents – had given those dumb motherfuckers ground for their diagnosis. Their words got me in this shit. I didn’t tell them anything (which is why they listened to my parents).
I hate that they’re so convinced that they’re right. Because it’s bullshit. [And they hateeeee that I never said that I believe them and that “I’m sorry for making them worried.” HELL FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOO. These people have let me bleeed for monthsssss. They didn’t interact with me then. I do not feel sorry about them thinking about me for 5 minutes while watching Netflix, while I had devoted all of my previous life they have destroyed with their bullshit rumors, TO MAKING THEIR LIVES BETTER, TOO.] I hope this day will finally show that I’m right. I want to win. The argument. The court case. The life I do deserve. Grrrrr meowwww.
Why I bought such an expensive gift? It might as well be the last gift you ever receive from me. Either I die, or I start a new life. Buying this gift is part of the proof that I’m a good person and she cannot ruin my image even more. [I mean, since she made me fill up her gas tank so often, with my self-earned money, for example. Not giving me an allowance, while together earning more than €12.000 per month. This. Shit. Stresses. Me. Out.]
If I were to go to Düsseldorf and never go back to the Netherlands ever, I would not give a fuck. It would be a relief, actually. But these flehs seem like the type of people who would then say “my car got stolen” and then let me be in jail [They say: “If you ever fuck up and end up on a police station, I’m letting you stay there, so you can learn your lesson.” Why the fuck weren’t you castrated? That’s such mental abuse. I bet that’s why I was at the police station for hoursssssss, too……] and then I’d be stuck being their motherfucking house slave for the rest of my life, because then even working 9 – 5 would be mission impossible. (I’d commit suicide, for sure.)
So yeah, I’m going to Düsseldorf. I’m hoping on an extended medical examination and am willing to empty out the rest of my savings for that. I’m hoping to see the people I love and to distance myself from those who bring me stress. I’m secretly hoping to start a new life from there, but I don’t have the funds for this and I’m stuck with this car my good heart wants to return [even though I could live in it].
Haha every time I pack, I pack all of my most valuable notebooks, because I don’t want these nosy ughhhhhhs to go through my stuff. They did this, when they were looking for clues, when I was missing. [Probably looking for a suicide note.] I do notttt want that to happen again. I also took both of my external hard drives.
Last time, I took extra panties, but I only had basketball shorts my mother had brought to me, after she had taken my sweatpants [AND HOUSE KEY. I SOOOO HOPE TO RETURN THAT KEY FOR GOOOOOOOOD BIIIIIIIITCH] home, without asking me. It was sooo cold and it made ugh hospital personnel call the ambulance to bring me to the institution, which was right across the hospital. A 2 minute walk. I had to pay MORE THAN €360 FOR THAT. THEY TOOK A DETOUR. [YEAH, THEY’RE ON MY SUE LIST, TOO.]
This time – just in case – I have taken some more loungewear with me. I’ve also taken along a dress, in case I’m not spending the night there and I’m taking myself on a date again. Jeeezzz I’d love to not have another dinner for 1 in a new scene, but it does save me from shitty conversations, often. [Haha “sometimes” could have been the expected word, instead of “often”. I dislike extensively talking about other people who are not present at the conversation. Shit like: “Oh *random name* has become a hairdresser now. Do you know where she lives? Do you know where that is?” And then take half an hour to describe a place I’ll never visit.
If we’re having a conversation, I want to keep the focus on you and me. We can also talk about things that include other people, but the emphasis should be on us. If we have nothing in common, I’ll be stressing myself out, trying to keep the conversation going. Not enjoying shit, because it’s forced and we have nothing in common.]
Ah meoww I rant when flashbacks take a hold of me.
It’s 01:30 AM now. Four and a half hours to sleep left.
I’m thinking of making little videos to post, tomorrow. It’s heavy going through this shit all alone. Then, it will be like you’re there with me <3.
I’m also taking my camera :D.
Good night <3
Oh, by the way: I mentioned that I lost my earrings, but my mother had put them in her jewelry box! (Why? Why¿ “So that you can’t lose them.” But I didn’t know that they were there, so they were lost, to me. Other than that FOCUS ON YOURSELFFF OH MY GAAAAAWDDD. I didn’t say that. I only asked why and then said “okay.”) I didn’t have to buy those earrings *set of laughing emojis*. Now I have two of a similar type (and I like the old ones more…)…