09:59 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

Hopefully the title of this post rings a bell. The circumstances under which I’ve been releasing and attempting to release are still the greatest knockdown argument of any potential I have.

Of course, by “circumstances” I don’t mean that I’m living in a situation that is physically unbearable, like in many other parts of the world. I am so lucky and blessed to have been born in the Netherlands and have the wealthy parents I have and am grateful for that blah blah. I hope I can mean something to the people who can’t try to make themselves heard like me.

Settling for Much Less 

You know the way every successful type of entertainment is stylized and propagandized. You can see that it’s made by professionals and is financially well-supported. It’s an investment that, with enough hype, will earn itself back. I have the creativity but not the assets to create something like that.

I’ve been settling for less for a very long time – publishing things unprofessionally, not portraying my full vision in what I publish because I’m funding this really all by myself – because I was hoping that people would look further than its shell and appreciate it for its unique meaning and content. But without it being stylized in the “this is something big” format, most people do not want to look further than its shell. They assume that its content will be as scanty as the way it’s stylized, not knowing that most of the things I’ve been doing and living through have never occurred in human history before. Just because I’m trying to survive, I’ve been settling for less, but it’s not working for me.

I don’t even like e-books. I want to sell hardcovers. Unfortunately, without any financial support, I can’t purchase those to have in stock. Without the “professional entertainment” costly styling, marketing et cetera, people are not pleased enough to buy it.

Still, to try to make myself heard, I’ve been trying to sell some e-books. Hoping that with the revenue thereof I can invest in my hardcovers. But every time, the investment I put into publishing an e-book is far greater than what I receive in return. And it’s not even what I would publish if I wouldn’t have to worry about the costs. (Don’t forget that my father hates this and therefore does not financially supports my business. I invest everything I have into this business every time.) That is why I am again deciding not to publish: I shouldn’t invest more than I’ll earn back again, to try to get my message across in a parsimonious way that doesn’t even suit what I actually want to be doing.

Ughh I feel so frustrated, because this is all for nothing. That same survival instinct that is making me publish using all of my private funds, is nudging me that all of those who are just figuratively  sitting on a pile of money or spending it recklessly are all better off dead. It’s just my survival instinct. Currently, I have no (financial) future, so I’m pulling out all the stops.

To quit school and try to make my start-up thrive is what I considered ~the~ way to earn some big money. My (IQ 127+) father doesn’t have a degree either and he earns over €10K a month.

But because what I want to be doing includes spreading new information and people think that if you don’t have a degree that you’re not even capable of processing information, I see I’ll have to bite the fuck down and try to survive three years of university. IS SOO FUCKING EASY THAT I HATE IT. It’s simplified even more than high school was. I was so shocked the first time I experienced this.

Antonym of “Model Student”

All my life, I had been convincing myself that at the university I’ll find the challenge I need. But the classes are even smaller than they are in high school. Just let me be 🙁 .

Isn’t it surprising to you that I’ve failed every block at a residential university with mandatory classes and tutoring et cetera, but that I was scoring straight A’s  at The Open University, where I’ve never followed a single class?

The problem is not that the course material is difficult to understand. On the contrary. I understand the structure of the material without having studied it already. The problem is that when the test comes around, it gets time for me to memorize all information for recitation, and that process makes me feel like a slave. I hate to do it and always postpone it until the very last moment. So when it comes to that, it was much better that at The Open University, I had full responsibility of when and how I prepared. In comparison to a residential university, where everything is pre-chewed so often that I don’t even want to get to it anymore.

What happened to universities where you just get a big stack of books and some lectures and that’s it? That’s the challenge I need. Let me conduct some serious research in my first year already. You will never hear me say that anything is too hard. I dare you to try to make me say that!!!

Doctor Catje told me that if you have an IQ that is far above average, you’ll get different opportunities in life. With my 133+ IQ, I’ve been trying to use my alternative self-publishing concept to create that opportunity. I wouldn’t know in what other way to find those opportunities. It takes way too long for it to find me; that’s for certain. It’s a great challenge for my patience.

It’s hard to stand out between model students who score straight A’s, while simultaneously I’m very critical of the system. Another something demotivating. Never in my life have I studied when someone told me to study. (Still I’ve completed the highest level of high school education in the Netherlands.) So to compete with those who have neatly been making their homework when they were told to, is not easy. My brain refuses to conform, but it has great potential, still.

Plus a completely noise-free, distraction-free, people-free (even color-free (an all-white space)) study environment would be a very great improvement of my results. (The same would go for my 132+ IQ having sister.)

I somehow really need to get my set of degrees et cetera, without being pampered with tutoring et cetera. Otherwise I already know that it’s not going to work out. And my student debt then just becomes higher and higher, without me having what I need in return.

It’s quite awful that the best thing I can do to save myself, which is studying anywhere abroad, is something I don’t even want to be doing. Of course I want to learn new things. I dare you to teach me something I don’t know yet ughhh it’s annoying to be lectured something I already know about. I want my intelligence to be acknowledged before I become a number in the huge flock of sheep again 🙁 . And that people then already know that I can answer post-doctoral questions, please 🙁 .

Meoww I’m going to eat some. xxx


14:40 (02:40 PM)  

It took quite some time before I was able to get up – for reality keeps me want to stay curled up in my bed – but here’s my first meal of the day:


Left-overs and an iced chai latte

I’m going to take a lil shower now and then continue to work on the self-analysis I’ll share with my psychotherapist. As promised, you’ll still get to see the content, but in exchange for effort because otherwise I feel like I’m working my brains to destruction for no reason: I’ll be sharing it throughout my coming diary posts. My diary posts are my crib sheet.


16:16 (04:16 PM)

Current Strategic Dilemma

Meoww I still really want to publish FangCatje. I really want people to know my side of the story. So much that I wouldn’t mind publishing it for free. But simultaneously, I really need money ASAP.

Without financial independence, I can’t get myself to the seclusion I wish for. I’m so very tired of adapting and dumbing myself down all the time. Not that I don’t want to adapt at all anymore: I’d rather do my adapting in professional video broadcast format. And I still need a house and a car and a legacy et cetera. The way towards it is unnecessarily long and frustrating.

I assume that my psychotherapist and his assistant want to read something short and overseeable from me, so I’m just going to continue to work that out. I was thinking of making it in table format, but not everyone finds it easy to read a table. So detailed list format, then… It will just be FangCatje and FangCatje won’t be that long.

Tomorrow my online book reseller subscription starts… I can then finally sell hardcovers. I wish that included hardcovers of my own… 🙁

Tomorrow I’ll also sign up for Antwerp (not Leuven, though that is better ranked, because I’ll be travelling back and forth by train in the beginning and Antwerp is easier to reach) and tomorrow I’ll have a meeting with the psychiatrist who I haven’t seen in almost a year now, at the institution doctor Catje could free me from if I succeed in proving myself well enough for him to agree with me and not with my parents…

Three ends meet in one day yays. But busy yays 🙁 .

Maybe if I’ll release FangCatje for free that someone would finally like to send a donation to my bank account that is on my business website’s contact page, and leave a sweet message along with that donation… (The cool independent-from-the-government plans I have for this fully privately owned business my meow… 😀 )

Twitter marketing unfortunately did not make my count of non-anonymous visitors rise, by the way 🙁 . I really wonder what anonymous internet users are hiding… I don’t browse anonymously. (Though the wifi is tweaked because some house members here do have a lot to hide. My IP location is always tripping.) But my internet behavior can be followed neatly and I don’t mind if you know everything I do 🙂 . As long as you keep talking about it to me, because otherwise I don’t understand why I’m being watched all the time…

Meowww I’ll be writing xxx

[Seriously though: will there be a day when you tell me the secrets you have about me? Because me half knowing it but still not being cuddled by you is a very lonely experience of life, and you walking around with it, talking about it with anyone but me, is not healthy. People will tell you what they think I think will think, but you really should NOT listen to that. Talk to me 🙁 . (Great need + ” 🙁 ” = severe need making me want to curl up in bed all day )]


23:50 (11:50 PM)


I’ve been writing a little. More time I spent thinking: “I prefer more comfortable seating, because my back feels a little messed up. And I feel short on outside air…” So I ended up writing in the garden.

A sweet anonymous individual asked me when FangCatje will be released, and I told him/her: I will release it before July 11th for sure, but unfortunately can’t tell you exactly when. (I have another psychotherapy appointment then and want to have it finished before that.)

Not much later, I played some basketball. It has been a while since I exercised last.

It was my intention to upload the full video here already, but every time I try to download it, this shows:

download error

“The video is still being processed and can be downloaded later”

So I’ll try again tomorrow because I’ve been trying for a while now 🙂 .

My aunt called me some time ago. To ask me if I have time to babysit her grandchild tomorrow. Her timing couldn’t have been better 🙂 . I can now leave tomorrow’s session early and have more proof that I’m competent, chilling at my aunt’s is very chill and I’ll get to spend some time with my little cousin 🙂 .

Normally tomorrow is my cooking day here, but I’ve now traded days with my mother so that I can sleep over at my aunt’s place 🙂 . I’m taking my laptop and everything along to there, so that I can work on FangCatje while I’m there. Wednesday will now be my cooking day, so I think I’ll stay there until then 🙂 .

Yays 😀 . I might have my own master bedroom there again. 😱 😻

Awesome yays. 😎 I look forward to tomorrow!

I hope to see you back here again 🙂 .

Good night ♥