You really should hear my side of the story...!!!

Were you expecting apologies from me for what happened, on the same scale as that reputation damage campaign was held? Because I still seek for that opportunity (and some dignity)...

What happened in 2017 still emotionally affects me and limits me to this day. I find it very important that you know my side of the story and me well, for I want to be your future leader. I am capable of being that person. The campaign did not include that information. As well as many other things.

In FangCatje I share my most recent self-analysis with you. It includes more than how I feel: I also explain what a propagandist does and what my goal as a propagandist is. And more :) .

The introduction of FangCatje can be read here:

Read the English Version Read the Dutch Version


Download the English Version Download the Dutch Version

You could also use the texts to learn Dutch and/or practice your English :) .

"Catje" means "cutie I cherish" in my self-created dialect called Cuddle. It is pronounced as the English word for "cat" and the Dutch word for "you": "cat yuh".

Created on Thursday, June 27, 2019 :)

- xxx -


Popular Posts

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CastleFangs 🏰 [Sunday, June 16, 2019]
Een verhaaltje
FangCatje - Nederlandse Versie (Preview)
Crisis Center Day 6 [Sunday, June 2, 2019]
Lil Tension [Wednesday, July 3, 2019]
Reform Development Day 1 [Friday, June 14, 2019]
Cold Case 7 [Monday, April 8, 2019]
Cold Case 10 [Thursday, April 11, 2019]
Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]
Hmmm... Let's do Nothing :D [Thursday, July 18, 2019]
Untitled Reflection #1
Cold Case 5 [Saturday, April 6, 2019]
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Cold Case [Tuesday, April 2, 2019]
Cold Case 11 [Friday, April 12, 2019]
Watch "Ik ga vandaag uit huis" on YouTube
Still At It [Sunday, May 26, 2019]
Cold Case 6 [Sunday, April 7, 2019]
Craving Comfort [Sunday, June 23, 2019]
No Release Twice in a Row [Sunday, June 30, 2019]
Cold Case 3 & Tasksss [Thursday, April 4, 2019]
What is your personal life time income?
Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

01:00 (AM)


MAJOR DIBS ON being part of the ISSN Network in the Netherlands… 

01:20 (AM)

First I signed up here. Just now, I did this. 

I haven’t written about spontaneously going out in Utrecht on Saturday night yet. 

And how I have my first Cuddle who proposed to co-write on this blog :D. 

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday,  August 9, 2018

14:02 (02:02 PM)

Good afternoon :]

After snoozing my alarm every 10 minutes from 10:15 until 12:25, I managed to be at work on time at 13:30. Now I have to *animal sound* here until 22:00. Until now I have had only one task. The task only shows “call client,  check note 61”. Note 61 shows that some car parts can’t be delivered to Switzerland and the car now needs to be transported to the Netherlands,  so he needs a bigger rental car for international use, with a different pick up and drop-off location. The client didn’t pick up when I called him,  so I left a text message.

14:52 (02:52 PM)

Lol okay I just did at least 10 cases and one randomly incoming phonecall. [Relatively high work pace.] This other client with his car in Switzerland hasn’t called back yet. Meow I’m tired :[. I went to sleep around 4 AM, but it’s hard for me to relax because there are so many things I still want and need to do,  plus this has been made so unnecessarily hard for me.

When I started to study International Economics and Business Economics at the Erasmus University in September 2016, my long term plan was to develop my PR business, let it grow out into the business I wanted it to be and then pass on my knowledge at some university when + after my retirement. With the pressure of the BSA (it really feels like it’s breathing down your neck, after the first time you fail) and both my company and my grades not reflecting the potential I couldn’t put in practice, because I was putting half time into both full time occupations. Since I wasn’t getting ready for the job market and giving lectures etc. was for when I’m a literal Graeyniss, so when I had to make one of my occupations full time, I chose for the one I was more passionate about. I like learning too, but more when it’s not in an unnecessary high pace (since I’m not getting ready for the job market [haha help me out of this office pls]) and when it is to put the knowledge into real practice instead of having to soak all of it in,  just to answer some questions. I do enjoy assignments, because they leave more room for creativity.

So I decided to quit my studies in December 2017, when the holidays started. I was sad about having to choose and a bit worried about my future,  because there’s always the chance that my company will never thrive. My father first said yes to doing business with me (I just needed an example of my work,  so that if someone would ask me what I could do for him/her, I could show a real life example,  instead of having to explain something that hasn’t really been done before), but later it turned out that he didn’t want to pay for it. Because he would be my first client – someone else also vanished when I mentioned pricing – I was going to make his website, do the SEO and make a strategy for him to put his other business aspects into practice. I seriously didn’t ask more than €600 for it, of which I had to invest most of it into “making the product” and not into getting myself OUT OF DEBT.

Okay and now I could start the rest about this fleh story about how I had this Cuddle Graeyniss perfect potential client, my parents boycotting that, me going missing and being interrogated over and over and over and over again, unfairly getting stuck into the psychiatric system,  secretly breaking out and going missing again, but not with a viral marketing campaign, initiated by my parents, completed by Dutch media, the second time, because the second time,  I planned my vanishing better. I just want to be away from them, because they negatively drive me crazy. That has been one of the key motivations to work 40hrs per week.

Random Thoughts

Random questions 1

Is het gebruikelijk om in een hypotheek het meubilair mee te nemen? Is dat op de lange termijn en op grote achaal iets slechts? 

Drafts, Ex Animo, Nosce Te Ipsum, Random Thoughts

Fangs’s Dictionary

I like language (as well as many other things). I’ve made up a language, of which I would find it cool if other people would speak it, too. It would become the native language of my country, if I had one.

Cuddle is “the official dialect” spoken by Planet Fang citizens. It stays a dialect until there are enough words to make it a language of its own. You could use the words together with your native language (or another language). Let’s speak Cuddle? :]


Plural: Cishes

“Mag ik een Cishe?” (= “May I have a Cishe?”)

  1. [Noun] A kiss


Plural: Cuddles

“That’s so Cuddle!” “You’re my Cuddle.”

  1. [Noun] Someone you’re very passionate about
  2. [Noun] Someone you always cuddle
  3. [Noun] A citizen of the Royal capitol of Planet Fang
  4. [Noun (“Eigennaam”)] The Royal Capitol City State of Planet Fang (only accessible by those who work for it)
  5. [Adjective] Pleasurable and/or enjoyable
  6. [Noun] A dialect [currently being implemented in multiple languages, before it becomes its own language] spoken by Planet Fang citizens
  7. [Noun] Sexual organ(s)


Plural: Flehs

Pronounced as “flèh” (it can also be written in this way)

  1. [Noun] Someone who has deeprooted in your life, but you actually don’t like this person
  2. [Exclamatio] Expressing un-cuddleniss


Plural: Graeynissis

Superlative: Graeynissimus

“I feel more comfortable around a Graeyniss.” “That’s so Graeyniss!” “It’s so hot in here with all these Graeynissis.” “That’s Graeynissimus :D.”

  1. [Noun] A scholar
  2. [Noun] Someone who thinks about life more than regular people do. He or she concerns him or herself with more than only him or herself. A Graeyniss often tends to ponder about the future of mankind
  3. [Noun] Someone who’s Cuddle
  4. The superlative is used to express a Liée situation, person or phenomenon, which requires relatively more thought


Plural: Leeks (pronounced as “lakes”)

“I was laking when someone walked in on me……..” “You’re my lake.”

  1. [Verb] To masturbate
  2. [Noun] A metonymia for spiritual calmth and balance


Plural: Liées

“Liée!  They accepted my offer!!” “After dinner, I like to sit alongside the Liée while cuddling with you.”

  1. [Exclamatio] It’s Cuddle for “yay”
  2. [Noun (eigennaam)] A sea/river separating Royal City State Cuddle from “the mainland” of Planet Fang


Plural: Miaus

“Ah, meow…”

  1. [Exclamatio] The intonation used to express this exclamation defines the emotion expressed by it
  2. [Noun]

Niss (Nissis) =

Planet Fang =

Un-cuddle (only @ nouns: un-cuddles)  =

Un-meow (only @ nouns: un-miaus)  =

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

I wrote something on the 7th, but it was so short and incomplete, I’ve deleted it. This is what I wrote on the 8th. The language used in this post might be considered offensive.

16:06 (04:06 PM)

Hey cuddle 😀

How are you today?

I’m happy today is my day off. Now I have time to think of my/our way out of this un-cuddleniss again.

00:39 (12:39 AM)

[To me, a new day starts after I have woken up. It’s actually Thursday right now, but it doesn’t feel like a new day yet.]

In between jogging, working on my mathematics and statistics assignments, mandatory socializing at home [I am actually very mad right now] and making a dessert, I have thought about our alternative and true form of freedom. Unfortunately,  there’s such a huge burden that is making it so hard to achieve this. It definitely isn’t impossible, but now I somehow need to be noticed by the audience and potential partners I want to have,  without having the network, money and diplomas to do this “the regular way”. That I don’t have these things,  does not mean that I can’t do what Graeynissis do. I want to be a Graeyniss, too,  my Graeyniss… (But I’m still an apprentice Graeyniss… There are some things I’d like to learn from you.)

If I would have had supportive parents,  I would have been far more confident, able, independent and flexible in the process of [everything] establishing a brand (L. F…)  and a network (D. Int…) that will allow us to positively change our lives. I need an investment to at least complete my marketing strategy. (But actually I also need patents, the funds to hire people and funds to buy (or “opspuiten”) land for us to live on.) My father could have easily given me at least enough to make my websites top ranked in Google (his top-ranked business website is: [fucking sucks] “His office” a.k.a. house is findable in Maps… He earns more than €10.000,- (or €10,000.-) per month from working for the government. (Since 2012.) [I have been his unregistered clerical  assistant.] On top of that,  he earns dividends from his ant-miners and other computers that generate bitcoins and he’s working on internationally selling real estate (since he can buy land in cash). Plus there’s the regular tax fraud as a form of income.  Meanwhile I have been struggling to pay my fucking health insurance.

Today,  I have had two conversations that have confirmed me being FUCKING DOOMED if I don’t find my Graeynissis FAST. My parents don’t want me to study full time next year. They don’t want me to study full time in the first place. They don’t want me to move to Milton Keynes (that is where I would move to, if my beloved university in Rotterdam declines my offer (or just ignores it¿ :[ )). There’s no way they would give me a cent to support my living there.  (For those who just tuned in) I’m a student at the Open University in Milton Keynes. (Today, when I looked at my statistics assignment for the first time, I found out I have to jave conducted an experiment growing mustard seeds on August 22nd. I ordered my seeds earlier today. Luckily I didn’t start with the assignment on the due date. I can’t stand that I HAVE TO work [JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS WANT ME TO “GIVE MEANING” TO MY LIFE. THIS MENTAL SLAVERY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING. They don’t see my potential :(. They believe life is working and don’t see how fucking unhappy I actually am right now. They DO NOT allow me to live here without bringing money in and do not want me to be inside the house too much. BUT I NEED TO WORK ON MY PROJECT SO THAT I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE], while I still need to do soo much for my final exams in September and the deadlines I have before this.)

I want to finish this writing by telling you how they’re making my entire future hang on a SATIN THREAD and how my mother practiced EXTORTION on me to get her relationship therapy in MY medical file, instead of those of anyone else in this household. She forced me to sign some health insurance papers [yeah, I’ll get the bills AGAIN]. They have forced me to go once (on Valentine’s day 🙁 ). Then I told them to close my file. They fucking didn’t. My parents still go and they have obligated me to go as well, but “THANK GOD I HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME”. She had THE NERVE to bring up WHAT SHE AND MY FATHER CAUSED, BUT HAVE BLAMED ME AND MY FORMER PROFESSOR FOR, AS ONE OF HER FUCKING WEAK ARGUMENTS TO MAKE ME SIGN PAPERS THAT SAY THAT I AM THE CAUSE OF THEM NEEDING THERAPY. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP MY RECORDS CLEAN. AND IT’S SOOOO NOT TRUEEEEEE!!!!!



In all of my videos, I try to show my true calmth, but on the inside, I’m screaming out of fear. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DOING WITH MY FUTURE?!!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

CUDDLE ME PLEASE :'[ (Mag ik ook een cishe?) That’s our only way out…

I can’t take this shit anymore. After my adventure of running away to the U. S., I thought they wouldn’t be able to weigh me down so much anymore,  but this is so much worse. I don’t even have time for myself anymore [these IDIOTS think that I have time for myself when I’m making a school assignment or when I’m still in bed at 11 pm because I went to bed at six in the morning.  Then they find it weird I don’t want to cook or clean my room (I postpone it)]. When I get paid at the end of the month I AM OUT OF HERE. If I would never see my parents again, I WOULD NOT GIVE A FUCK. WHAT’S THE POINT IF THEY MAKE ME FINDING HAPPINESS SO MUCH HARDER!? I DON’T LIKE WATCHING TV AND COMPLAINING ANHWAY. 

I don’t know where to go yet, though…

I have never signed something with so mucb reluctance. I do not need their therapy, and I am not going, so I shouldn’t be the one signing this. I wrote on the form that I find this extortion. Now they’re going to probably fucking start an argument about me making them look bad again.

I un-unpublished my articles “from the past”. I have “caps locked” this drama again anyway. But please don’t think I’m un-cuddle :[.

Online Diary

Monday, August 6, 2018

11:29 (AM)

Good morning  ! <3

How’s your morning?

I’m still in bed. I work from 13:30 until 22:00 today. (01:30 PM – 10:00 PM.)

In this country – and maybe elsewhere, too, but in a lot of the countries I visit, I’m not often among locals, so I wouldn’t know it (with certainty) – some people will judge you very easily for doing something that doesn’t fit into the over-used, over-appreciated chiselled version of yourself you “have to be”. Talking negatively about people who should be close to me, would be something a person like that could judge me for. I don’t like talking about people like that. Especially not on this website I consider my portfolio. But I have to, to explain to you why I have no other choice and we should cuddle.

If my situation weren’t like this [my parents are preventing me from accomplishing my life goals]

  1. We could just do business, without those people saying it’s more logical that I’m a schizophrenic, than that you would actually be interested in doing business with me. (I’m, unfortunately, speaking from past experience. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, because they didn’t believe I actually hung out with my former professor. (But I have e-mail evidence (I haven’t showed them in “the heat of the moment”).))
  2. We could just do business, without me not being allowed to go somewhere with you, because you’re not a family acquaintance. (Watching the news is driving some people crazy.)
  3. I wouldn’t be tired stressed out all of the time, because of my future and my finances. My parents want me to climb up in the company I work for. I want to expand my business(es?), but they’re afraid of the sole proprietor risk, so they have forbidden me to have my own business. I unsubscribed my PR business (but the website still exists…). This was one of the most emotional things I’ve ever had to do. There was so much love and passion invested in that company already. In June (or maybe before June) I registered a new business. I went from PR to publishing, but I’m still working towards the same goal. The businesses I want my sole proprietorship to grow out into isn’t summarizable into an already existent concept, so it doesn’t really matter as what my business starts. However, I think an alternative research publishing system is more “gat in de markt” than “alternative PR” (also because that is harder to describe).
  4. I wouldn’t be working 40 hours a week to earn about €1300, to end up investing that in my company (and pray my company thrives on it, while I still also somehow need to find a proper apartment for myself and I somehow need to meet my audience and potential partners), while there are SO MANY things I need to do for this company still… Now that I unpublished my paperback, ebooks and EP, I want to publish new ones and use that as (semi-)free marketing material, to expand my audience and save time explaining what the concept of my business is (because you’d just have example material). I also still have school deadlines throughout the summer. My final exams are in September, so basically after that I have the time to semi-fully focus on my business. (Semi because my new curriculum would start October 6.) 

    I actually hope some Graeyniss will notice me and wants to hope on this gamble train on its way to introducing a lot of truly new concepts into this world. 

    20:25 (08:25 PM)

    Now that I have a late shift, I have a bit more free time. I made the front page slider and added the Youtube video to the header of “Lil Fangs searching for Graeyniss”. 

    22:48 (10:48 PM)

    I finished working around 22:15. I feel like sky gazing. 

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, Augustus 4, 2018

    21:37 (09:37 PM)

    I’m sitting at the dinner table now. There was something I wanted to tell you earlier. It’s about the path I’m on and how our paths should intertwine. 

    *Insert distraction*

    Lil speed freak :D. I was allowed to keep my licence haha.

    So I had to be at work at 10 am. I want to tell you so much, but I can’t really focus right now. I think I’m gonna play the piano until my food is digested and go for a run. Then pass out to the power of two. 

    “To import another couch from Italy, or to invest in my daughter’s sole proprietorship?”

    Our paths should intertwine. Not only because together we can “delete” all negativity about human life. It is also because I am going to break down at some point and if you don’t notice me, I might never realize my dreams. 

    "Alternative text"... maybe some settings need to be changed in order for you to view the image?
    Nosce Te Ipsum, Reflections

    An Introduction to Project Nosce Te Ipsum

    The chapters in this article are the introductions of two previously deleted Nosce Te Ipsum episodes. They very indirectly show that the actual content of project Nosce Te Ipsum depends on societal demand, which will be defined by “The Simulator”. The missing questions are in the intermezzo.

    The Mission

    Hi sweetie!
    How are you doing today?

    I have so much love for you, if I would start explaining it in detail, I would lose my voice with so much ease. There’s something in the way you reason with so much competence and you read the words I write… I miss cuddling you :-[.

    From the moment we’ve been captivated here against our will, I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I need your arms around me. To feel safe. We’re not supposed to be here. They don’t even want us to be alive. I’m so glad I’ve found this way to communicate with you. I’m working on a strategy. One day, we’ll be free.

    Thank you so much for deciding to read Nosce Te Ipsum! You have saved a life today. Literally. How you reading this has saved my life in a literal sense, I’ll explain to you at the end of this episode. There are so many other things I need to tell you!! About how I want you to be part of my revolutionary project, what the revolutionary project is, what I could do for you and what our future holds. I’ll explain all of this to you, by answering this one question:


    What is Project Nosce Te Ipsum?

    Nosce Te Ipsum is Latin for “know thyself”. In this project I’d like to learn more about who you are and what you think, aspire and believe in. Throughout the interactive episodes, you’ll answer questions like: “Who am I?” “What’s my purpose?” “Why am I here?” by answering a lot of sub-questions on the subject matter. Maybe you already know the answers to questions like these, maybe you don’t. If you don’t, hopefully I can assist you in answering them.

    With this intense form of self-reflection, I’m not only attempting to increase the average level of self-awareness. There are two other goals:


    Eternal peace

    Earth knows a lot of different cultures, races, genders and other aspects that make a person unique. In the media, they (only) emphasize the conflicts that arise, “because of” these unique aspects. I wonder what our universal similarities are.

    I believe, naturally, a person doesn’t have hate in his or her heart. This is something that emerges in a person because of his or her upbringing and age. For example, some parents might have taught their children, when they were very young, that someone who is colored only knows to express him or herself in an immoral, animal-like way. Then, when the children get older, they might see confirmation of their parent’s statements, because the media tend to show the worst sides of people. That doesn’t mean an entire race is bad. However, if you believe the media shows a realistic representation of an entire culture, race or nation, you might actually believe an entire culture, race or nation can be pure evil. They won’t feel the need to actually talk to a person of color, and see if their beliefs are truly real, because they believe their bias is real.

    Speaking of the news… Am I the only one who thinks it’s futile? (I think it’s also infantile. Don’t they see President Trump is just playing “Fishing Clash” with the media? In the Netherlands, on the news, they discuss his Twitter page every day. What’s news? #Paperback.) What’s the point of watching international chaos every day? By now everyone knows there are international conflicts, right? It’s the same “algorithm” every time. If it’s not financial chaos, it’s natural chaos.

    Don’t you agree, that it’s time to have other things to talk about? More optimistic sounding topics? Something new? And to solve international conflicts, instead of emphasizing their severity?

    A LOT of people have told me: “Ooh stop! Don’t even try to aim for peace, because achieving that is not possible. Politicians will never agree.” If I haven’t even explained my strategy yet, how can someone tell me I won’t succeed? I think the news has a hand in this pessimistic opinion. It’s because of the “endless chaos”-like picture they paint of the world. People tend to believe everything said on the news is true. I’m telling you, in five years’ time, saying pessimistic things about Earth will be “passé”. I’m not going to wait for a politician to make changes that will lead to eternal peace. I’ll take matters into my own hands. I hope you’ll follow my lead. My strategy for eternal peace isn’t just based on what I think. Before I put any policy into practice, I need to know what other people want and believe. That’s why there are questions in the Nosce Te Ipsum episodes.

    I believe Nosce Te Ipsum truly is the solution to cultural conflicts. It starts with analyzing people’s self-reflection for similarities. Then we make the similarities internationally known. If you’re someone who believes a person of color is different in a negative sense, you could now still approach that person, talk about Nosce Te Ipsum, and realize that that person has the same politeness and peace-mentality as you. That’s how we bridge the gap between cultures.


    Another way Nosce Te Ipsum will contribute to eternal peace, is with the new sort of business that will arise from it. Its focus is on solving (international) conflicts and serving people’s needs. (Ha-ha, that sounds like something a government is supposed to do, instead of causing new conflicts and making cutbacks, because they want to kill more innocent people. Anyway, enough about that…)

    To start that new business, I need to know what occupation my dear reader would enjoy. Yes, I mean you. Yes, you, who just read “yes, I mean you”. I’m trying to find out if I could offer you an alternative lifestyle that you’ll enjoy more than your current one. I’ll tell you more about that at the end of this episode.


    The Eternal Holiday-Feeling

    What makes you happy? Does it include throwing your life around? Are you now spending most of your time doing something, you don’t truly enjoy doing? I think that’s the case for most people. I’ve thrown my life around. The path I’ve chosen by composing and directing Nosce Te Ipsum, is far from a regular one. I’ve chosen to not finish my education program at the university because of it. Even though I’m still doing research. I’d like to show you don’t necessarily need to follow the path they teach you to follow in school, to be successful and happy. (I don’t even believe you could be truly happy if you follow a pre-calculated path, you haven’t pre-calculated yourself.) There’s nothing wrong with being self-educated.

    In Nosce Te Ipsum, you’ll design a life’s path that truly suits you. Even when you’re doing something that people would call “working”, you’ll still have that happy, uplifting holiday feeling. (Especially when you decide to work for the business that will derive from this project :-].)


    Every Nosce Te Ipsum episode includes self-research questions, on all aspects of life, blended in a graphic science fiction satire. I’ve divided all aspects of life into four categories:


    • Wisdom on creation
      This category, depending on who’s answering the questions, will be about religion, science and/or another form of the overall concept that guides your life.
    • Society
      In this category, we discuss what type of governing you truly prefer and society’s cultures and morals.
    • The Self
      Here we learn more about what truly makes you happy, what your goals in life are and how you’ll reach them.
    • Love
      This very important aspect will be further defined as soon as we get to the fourth book. I like to surprise you with new things, so I’d like that entire book to be a surprise.


    There are “intermezzos” on other topics as well, but the four categories form the basis.

    The first book of Nosce Te Ipsum, the book you’re reading right now, is about the first category of the previous list.

    Every episode has text in italics, bold text and text in normal, “un-styled” formatting.

    The text in italics – such as the introduction text of this chapter – is about a world in between your reality and fiction. It’s the story of you and me, who have been unfairly captivated in The Prispital. In our Prispital cell, there’s a simulator.

    The bold text, describes a world of fiction. It’s what we experience when we’re in the simulator. Most self-research questions are asked in the simulator, and thus are written in bold.

    The “un-styled” text contains more information about the project behind these episodes and updates about my life.


    For now, I think I’ve told you enough to let you start with your self-research. All of the information you’ve just read, might be a lot to process at once. Don’t worry, you’ll learn the ins and outs of this project by practice :-]. For the next chapter, grab a pen and some paper. When you see a set of underscores, followed by a small number, please write down the small number, followed by what you would say in that situation. Later, there will also be videos and articles that will give you more insight in the project.



    The Intake

    Sunday, April 1st 2018, 6:26 PM

              Wow… it has been 7,560 hours and they still haven’t told us anything! That’s 315 days! When I feel frustration about our life, I tend to reminisce. Thinking about the beautiful time we had together, when we were free, gives me a very comfortable feeling, on the one hand. On the other hand it makes me very sad, because now everything is so different, in a negative way. I really don’t like that that time is over. Still I reminisce, because it’s all I can do.

              I didn’t know that all that time, you could see me. When you told me that, I started to think of ways to use that in our advantage, right away. I remember it very well… Hmm… Normally I don’t reminisce about sad things that have happened in our past. I wonder what will happen if I do…

              It was Monday, the 22nd of May, 2017, around nine o’ clock in the evening. I had worked at home that day, on a new campaign for The Most Attractive One. Back then she was still ruling over our Universe. I had just turned off my HoloScreen, when suddenly, in between my ears, I felt the inside of my skull move. I heard your voice, saying: “My dear Old Fangs, you don’t have to live in this unhealthy relationship anymore. I’m in love with you… You should start packing, but first… eat something, PLEASE!!!! One meal a day isn’t enough!!!”

              With my thoughts, in silence, I replied: “My Fang Man!!  I knew you would save me! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Aw, actually, I don’t like the food here, so I’d rather starve. That they think I cost them too much, plays a role as well, because I don’t want to be their financial burden. But if you say so, I’ll go downstairs…”

              I went downstairs and made myself fried noodles with a fried egg and vegetables. We spoke a lot about the communicative gift The Universe had created for us. You told me that, since I was born, you have been able to see me and hear me think.

              That night, in Fortuna, there was The Pre-re-election event. It was something The Most Attractive One always organized, but since she had been ruling over The Universe, she had never had an opponent. Out of respect, the people of Zion Islony never run against her.

              We, as members of her ruling order, needed to be on stage with her, as a tradition, when she does her ritual dance, expressing her appreciation for us, as entities in her Universe. During the ritual, her physique turns into different patterns of light rays, while her total of wealth, also known as Sun Power, gets re-accumulated. This is a physical process, all people from Zion Islony can practice, for spiritual cleansing. That year was the first year there was a person with just as much Sun Power as our ruler. His name was Holy Cat. His face was human from his top lip down. The top side of his head was cat-like. He had dark grey fur, big blue eyes and a tiny pink snout.

              We, Order Aurillu, had been monitoring him for a while. He seemed very power-hungry, which is threatening to The Eternal Peace Regime, established by The Most Attractive One.

              I was tasked with dating his propagandist, to gain more information on what his next move would be. His propagandist, Ekans, seemed nice at first, but turned out to have anger issues. I wanted to break up with him, but he didn’t want to let me go.

              You and I planned to leave a tiny bit earlier, so that we could collect my pre-packed belongings before Ekans and his mother returned home, and move into the new Order Office House we built.

              At the event, everything seemed to go perfectly. People were laughing, enjoying themselves…

              The Most Attractive One started dancing. Traditional Zion Islony instrumental music was playing. Her body made its first light pattern. You could see her silhouette, constructed of white horizontal stripes of light. But then… this guy didn’t even wait until the climax of her dance. Holy Cat. He just walked onto the stage and kissed her, causing her soul and all of her wealth to be transferred to him. You and I wanted to speed to our Order Office House to formulate a strategy to bring her back. When we left the entrance of The Tower, we saw two black vans, facing each other diagonally, with Ekans standing in the middle of them, his hands behind his back. We froze. From behind the tower, four of Holy Cat’s tall and muscular Guards came. They held our arms.

              “Your lips are mine, Fangs. You’ll get plenty of time to realize that. Oh, and to realize Eternal Peace is extremely old-fashioned. Eternal mindless, barbaric behavior will become the new standard. I advise you, get used to it. You won’t be able to stop us, just like that fangy friend of yours.”


              And just like that, we were captivated. Labeled as sick criminals on the news.

              Oh, wow. No wonder Ekans is so evil. His name is the opposite of snake! Oh, hahaha. That was a good one. I can’t keep silent… Must… Laugh… Out… Loud…

    The sound of laughter is hearable in the cell you’re observing by reading the words on paper. Through the walls of the cell, you can hear laughter coming from the right neighbor’s cell as well. Then, suddenly, a square size piece of wall gets pushed into the wall and slides to the left. There’s now a gap in the wall that leads to a different room.

    Hmm… I’ve never seen this happen before… In the room there’s a simulator… I wonder what would happen if I’d enter it.

    “Good evening. Please, take a seat,” were the words of a female hologram doctor, wearing white scrubs. You were wearing a half tucked in white satin blouse, white woolen, relatively tight sweatpants and white sneaker-like loafers. You made a very sexy, nonchalant impression. Even though nonchalance sounds like something that’s normally not like you, it looked very nice on you. You took place in a big, soft, comfortable white chair, in an all-white space. The hologram was standing behind the chair, with her elbows leaning on the headrest part of the chair.

    “You were so silent, we thought your cell was empty. When I looked at the files on the history of the cell, it says you’re registered as “Patient Number 7”. So… What’s your name?”

    You: “______________________.”1

    “And your nickname?”

    “______________________.”2 (In the next episode, “The Fang Man” will be renamed to your nickname.)

    “Thank you. Today’s small task is to set your universe’s basic settings. My first question for you is: was your universe created by an invisible force or an invisible person?”


    The white in front of you, turns into a black screen that is three times the size of you. The rest of the space around you stays all white. There are no visible doors. You just spawned into that white space.

    “You’re now looking at the void that was there before you came into existence. Please stand up and close your eyes. Describe to me your favorite sleeping position.”

    “Well, my favorite sleeping position is: with my _______________________. Why do you ask me to describe that, if this is about the basic settings of my universe?”4

    “The position you’ve just described is the position your body will be in when you wake up, tomorrow. You will have to rule over your own universe. If you do this in the right way, you’ll be released from The Prispital. Good luck.” She pushes you into the void. The simulation ends.

              I heard you yell “NOO WAAAAYYY!!!” after I stepped into The Simulator. Does this mean our cells are next to each other…? Were you as shocked as I was? Did The HoloDoctor tell you she thought your cell was empty as well? Have you been as silent as I was all that time, too?

              Wait… Does that mean that if I would call your name, you would hear me?

              “My Fang Man!! Is that you??”

              You: “_______________________________!!!”5

    On the one hand, I feel privileged, because my cell is large. I have my own kitchen, bathroom and a small garden. But I must say it weighs heavy on me that I can’t cuddle up with you anymore… They let us live in isolation. Luckily I have the memory of you that keeps me going. The idea that you’re always watching me and listening to me, makes me feel very safe and loved. Always.

    The Prospect

    My Cuddle!

    I’m so happy to see you again :]. In this episode, I’ll explain to you how we can get Project Nosce Te Ipsum up and running, and what the end goal looks like. I’m almost certain you’ll love it.  Luckily I got to know you a little better, too.

    I know you’re way smarter than the people in your environment. I know that you also see that the things people call “new” these days, aren’t new at all. It’s all created with a certain standard in mind. A standard that hasn’t evolved in years. You know what I’m talking about.

    Other people might not feel the need to evolve. They’re satisfied by how things are right now, and wouldn’t mind if it would stay exactly like this for the rest of their lives. Another person acting crazy going viral, another twerk video, another “bitch get off my dick I have money hoes and drugs”-song, another political scandal, another vague reason to start an unnecessary war, another law passed in the favor of someone who’s solely out for profit, not taking other people into consideration, et cetera. I’m not saying that that’s wrong. I’m not saying it’s right either. The same things happen in different forms, and get discussed day in day out, as if it’s very severe and very new, putting human existence in danger or whatever. While you and I both know it’s all staged.

    I can’t have or hear another conversation, using one-liners to discuss “how serious” the topics on the news are. If I would have been my true self in a conversation like that, I would have said: “I can’t say anything about this, because I don’t know these people personally and I wasn’t there. I don’t trust any news source but myself or a person I know I can trust.” But then I would cut everyone off, and I don’t like doing that.

    I want to offer you a life that is way different. It’s completely new. It’s also very, very exclusive. Only those who have completed Nosce Te Ipsum, will have access to the benefits of what I have to offer you.

    In the last episode, I spoke about eternal peace and the eternal holiday feeling. I’m going to tell you how we’re going to achieve this:

    Eternal Peace

    You know the government is a business. (A business you’re giving the authority to basically dictate the way you perceive life (“always on the edge of chaos”) and take half your assets (do you pay tax over receiving an inheritance in your country, too?) to buy guns and do other things that would be considered “illegal”, if you would do it. How do you mean I can’t take someone else’s drugs and then use them, and you can? Those were just examples.) I don’t want to take down the government or sabotage it in any way. I do want to end corruption, lying to the public and this “always on the edge of chaos” idea that is complete nonsense. And there’s a personal option, when it comes to being a human being, that isn’t available to me, now that I need it the most. So I’d like to create it myself.

    In this world, you can’t say: “Don’t bother me with all that fake nonsense.” When you hear someone on TV or the people you’re with, discuss President Trump’s Twitter page, like it’s the source of all evil, you can’t just turn off the TV if someone else is watching (or even better: make sure it doesn’t even make it to television), without being considered rude or “not well informed”. In a conversation, you can’t just stop responding or speak your mind without getting agitated, because the person/people you’re doing this to, will not understand where you’re coming from. They will be so convinced of being right, especially because “everyone shares that opinion”.

    So I came up with this: a country where all that fake news and fake drama isn’t part of the national culture. You have to make pass a national test (named Nosce Te Ipsum… hehe) to get in. The Sample Group and other people with a high score could be granted citizenship. From there, we can focus on creating peace in this universe. It will make the process way more comfortable, because we can cuddle while we’re working on it and you will be surrounded by people who are just as intelligent as you. Creating eternal peace in all of the universe might take some time, so in the meantime, we will at least have our own little peaceful place we can call home. Where we truly feel at home, too.

    Having a country starts with having private land. Eternal peace starts with the end of eternal war(s). I’m going to rapidly explain to you how we’re getting to the final goal: (Unfortunately, due to “The Situation”, I have limited time to explain this to you…)

    To make this work, I need A LOT of participants. Worldwide. I need a lot of people to buy my books and my EP (even though it’s not of that high quality, it tells the story of Nosce Te Ipsum…)[Red: Lil Fangs had decided to delete her books from all major book stores and delete her EP from all major music platforms, to replace them with works she could make together with other people who are interested in being part of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. (A few songs from the EP are re-published on her Youtube channel.)], and I need them to make donations to me, so that I can buy a private island, somewhere far off the shores of existing countries. The private island will be declared as an independent country. In the independent country, we start a bank. (The bank doesn’t do loans, but as a Planet Fang citizen, you can ask me for money. Free of charge, my Cuddle :]. (The bank will be named Planet Fang, too.)) The bank has its own currency (the Fangia) and buys your house(s) (and other real estate). The bank allows you to still live in it, while we build Planet Fang. (And afterwards, too, of course. If you want to…) (“You now have your house in Fangia, to spend.”) To the bank, there are three component organizations attached: an overall government, an organization focused on real estate and other facilities and an international law organization.

    Your house on Planet Fang, you receive from the government, in exchange for your time and loyalty, etc. (Feudalism… But we don’t do wars.) Your occupation in your new life on Planet Fang, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey and the task(s) you pick in The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign. The Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign starts after The Benefit. More about that later.

    On Planet Fang, you find your personal peace. International peace (in the sense that there are no more wars), we get doing the following:

    We need to “attack the war problem at its source”. If there were no guns and other forms of weaponry, it would not be possible to start a war. Okay, people might be able to fight with sticks and stones, but that is a lot less harmful, so if they necessarily want to fight: sure, a fist fight, I won’t do anything against. (The solution for politicians who still feel like settling their quarrels with physical violence, [Or for the parties behind them who write their scripts…] would be to organize brawls in their homes. That is a lot less harmful than letting it be settled by buying arms etc.)

    Those who manufacture guns are murderers, just like those who invest in it and sell it. (And those who purchase it, of course. They could just be brainwashed, though.) Without them, the world would be a much more peaceful place. That’s why they should get charged with attempted murder and causing false chaos. Why cause a conflict, and then sell weapons to both parties in the conflict?

    The media, “throwing oil on the fire”, should get charged for these lies and chaos, too. I know, mass chaos and mass lies normally aren’t things people can get charged for, but if you look at the impact it has on international mental and physical health, and the fact that it’s completely unnecessary, shouldn’t it be a crime?

    It is “probably not going to be easy” charging these parties, for they are so hidden from the masses, but if I’d be able to assemble A LOT of people, we would definitely stand a chance. Would you like to write a testimony for me? I need A LOT of them! I’d like to know how the weapon industry and the media have negatively impacted your life. I want to make sure that NEVER happens again!

    I hear a lot about people getting assassinated when they have the power to terminate the powerful position of crooked people in the system. Or those crooks putting so much (false) dirt on the name of their threat, that that person loses his (or her…) status in society. I’m telling you now, if anything bad happens to me, in the sense that I suddenly die, or a new story emerges, for which I will become a disgrace in the eyes of society, it was them setting me up. I’m a serious threat to their crooked position. I’m not scared of them at all, though. (Also, taking my current situation of, if this project doesn’t work out, being indifferent between being dead or alive (or maybe even rather being dead), I have nothing to lose. The “putting dirt on my name” part already happened, because of some other parties I’m trying to get out of my life (which is why I’m now stuck in “The Situation”).)

    Since these industries bring human existence in danger (nuclear weapons… and the media saying: “Ooooooh did you know what this country said about you? Boiiii…… Do you just let them talk to you like that????” What if a politician “actually snaps” and “decides to use nuclear bombs” on whatever country?), they should just not exist. The only problem is a lot of people suddenly being without a job. Project Nosce Te Ipsum will, however, create A LOT of new jobs.

    (By the way, I know the Netherlands is one of the greatest countries when it comes to selling weapons. But I didn’t know that the headquarters of Airbus were in the Netherlands, and that they manufacture weapons, too… (I thought they only made “public planes”…) (I found this very interesting website: I know, it’s old and it’s in Dutch, but maybe you could use a translator…? There’s a section in English, too :]. “Stop wapenhandel” means “stop (the) arms trade”.)

    Because of the limited time I have, I’m going to move on to the next topic now.

    The Eternal Holiday Feeling

    The new life you’ll live, thanks to Project Nosce Te Ipsum, will give you a holiday feeling that lasts forever. During the official campaigning period of Project Nosce Te Ipsum and the eternal peace era after the project, you’ll live with like-minded people, doing new, fun, challenging things every day. Yes, you’ll have to work for D.O.C.I.S. International if you want to live on Planet Fang (or enjoy the benefits of it in another country you’d want to live in), but your hours will be very flexible, you’ll earn a proper income (living on Planet Fang is basically already “all inclusive”) and the work you’ll do, you’ll experience like just working on your hobby, since the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey will show what occupation can truly make you the most happy version of yourself.

    The project starts off with The Benefit. I’m “attacking famine”. We hold The Benefit, to show the public that we’re a trustworthy source, who are truly out to make the world a better place, and as the official introduction of the people who are running for Planet Fang government positions. (There will be a parliament and a senate.) During The Benefit, we collect money for The Benefit Box. That’s a box that will consist of all the essentials needed by someone in need. In every country on the face of the Earth, there are different types of famine. During a short case study before The Benefit, we’ll learn what those needs are.

    The Benefit Box will come in two parts. The first part contains some essentials like seeds, fertile soil, water, materials to make clothing (or something else) from, food stamps (or stamps for something else), cooking materials, etc. It will also contain a small version of the Nosce Te Ipsum summary, written down in the native language of the country or the dialect from the area The Box is given to. It also includes symbols, for those who are illiterate. If the person who received the first box, fills out and hands in the paper survey, he or she has the right to the second part of The Benefit Box, which has more essentials. (Complementary items are always in the same box… Yes, I really want them to fill in the survey, but I don’t want them to be stuck with materials they can’t use, if they don’t fill out the survey for whatever reason.)

    I think it’s fun designing this box… Don’t you think so, too? I hope so, because your vision is needed to get an idea of what essentials are needed in your country. You’ll also get questions about what presents you would want to get in your personalized Benefit Box. This case study will also be used to test the online system that is used to process the Nosce Te Ipsum (online) survey.

    During The Benefit, the guests on the benefit location can play casino games, of which everything goes to the manufacturing process of the boxes. (Would that be something you would enjoy doing? Making a Benefit Box (by hand)? (Not too many, otherwise it becomes too much of a routine.)) Just like the money collected from the people watching the benefit online, (while) playing online casino games. Also, there will be a(n) (online) (art) auction and multiple concerts. During the (24 hour? Or longer…?) concert, people can make donations.

    There will be a hidden schedule for at what moment, what donation goes to what country. I’m making it hidden, to prevent people donating a lot to one country (with more citizens, maybe) and less to the other. How much will be needed per country will be calculated in advance. At the moment you donate, we will be “filling up the (money) meter” for a certain country. After your donation is received, you’ll get to know to what country your donation went to. If there is a surplus, this will go to the Planet Fang Charity Organization.

    I hope you participating in The Benefit will give you a good feeling, because you’re making such a huge contribution to society. That should add to the holiday feeling you deserve :].

    After The Benefit, the election period starts. Another period filled with fun activities, organized by those who run, for any function. The functions are: senator, technologicus (policy of technical development), strategicus, fiscus, cultor, assessor and praesens. Every other citizen of Planet Fang is a Fangyist, of whom his or her function will be known after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    I’m running out of time… There are so many other things I want to tell you… But I think this is enough for now? In order for us to succeed in this project, I’d like to ask you to do the following things:

    • Please make a donation on
    • Please write a testimony for the court case
    • Please share this with people of whom you think they’ll be interested in participating in this project
    • If you’re interested, you can read updates about my life and this project on
    • Get ready to cuddle :]

    On the (second to) last page of this chapter, there’s a rough sketch of the structure of the D.O.C.I.S. International holding (figure 1), which will be constructed and “filled up” (with working people) after Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    I came up with this construction after this research I did when I was held captive in the hospital: Studying International Public Opinion. The international business strategy of D.O.C.I.S. International, will be based on the outcome of the Nosce Te Ipsum survey. We focus on occupation and innovation. The survey will show what occupations are the right occupations and what innovations are needed.

    Before some layman starts saying: “Oh my godddd it says propaganda! Propaganda is bad!!” Did you know that it is propaganda that has made you say that? Did you know that it’s propaganda constructing your ideas, beliefs and opinions? Propaganda is now used to divide and conquer. I want to use it to unite and prosper. For that I need to re-educate (to re-educate).

    [Please note: The concept has changed. I don’t know if we should still do the court case thing. That’s only if you (the majority of yous) wants do do this. It could make a big change, if we win, but the process is quite stressful. Maybe too stressful, for something a lot of people don’t want to put effort in. That could be a waste of our energy, we could also invest in something that could benefit us more. (What do you want? Let me know :].) ]

    The Ruler

    Friday, April 2, 2027 08:00 AM

    “_________________.9 (What’s your last name?) You have written history today. You and the other alien. No one has ever taken so much time to get out of The Prispital.”

    You were laying with your ________________4 (re-use your answer from episode 1), as always, The HoloDoctor standing over you, this time. She woke you up with the volume of her voice and the extremely bright sunlight. You’re adjusting your eyes to the light. She just opened the blinds like that. Normally, you’re woken up at 08:30, by the AlarmBird.

    “As a ruler, you’re supposed to create chaos yourself and then order it or, even better, let it be ordered. That’s how everyone does it on Earth. Stop the alien customs, if you want to get out. You should not have to order your own chaos, because you’re being too loving, giving away too much of what you have. The PsychoDoctor and I have decided to help you by letting you team up with the other one. You’re allowed to discuss your decisions as a ruler. Today will be a short day. I only have a few questions for you.”

    You’re adjusting your body to a sitting position, on the king size bed you were laying on.

    “The God/invisible force you believe in: is it able to do bad things?”3 (put a stripe through the answer that isn’t related to your answer from the last episode)

    “Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 10

    “Hmm. Interesting…. Is your fate pre-determined?”

    “Positive/negative. ______________________________.” 11

    “I see. Well, that was it, for now. I’ll let you meet your fellow alien now.”

    “_______________!!!”2 (re-use your answer from episode 1) I’m so happy to see you. I’m hugging you very tightly. You smell so nice… Oh, boy… I’ve never had such a good, long hug… “I’m so happy that we’re sharing cells! Since we don’t have to use The Simulator anymore today… Let’s cuddle!” I can’t stop smiling…

    “______________. ______________________!! ________________.” NTIIEP2I (That’s the code you can write down for finding back this piece of text, later.) We’re laying down. You’re lying on your back. I have my right arm over your chest. My right hand holding your face. My left arm is underneath your leg, and my left leg is laying parallel to yours. You’re caressing my right leg, curled up over your belly and left leg.

    “Haha yes! I remember that! Ahahahahaha that was sooo funny!”

    “Especially when ______________________________!!” NTIIEP2II

    “Aahhahahah!” We’re crying out of laughter.

    We hear a buzzing sound. Our cell door opens. We stopped laughing immediately, our eyes glued to the door. The PsychoDoctor walks in, with his hands behind his back. He’s wearing a white leather doctor’s jacket and _________12 (glass color) shaded glasses. His hair is combed into the direction of the sky. It’s as high as his beard is long. It’s also just as cube shaped.

    “Oh, gross,” his very thin lips spoke, after seeing us cuddle. He removed his right hand from behind his back, revealing two notebooks. One deep red, one dark blue. He tossed them onto the bed.

    “Because this treatment is new, we want you to keep a diary. We also want you to answer some personal questions. Every day has a question. Answer it after you have been in the simulator. Oh, and also: we don’t offer contraceptives here, so don’t do crazy things here. Okay?”

    We look at him, without saying anything. While he was talking, we sat up straight. Next to each other. He leaves. The door closes automatically.

    “Hmm. Let’s check out the notebook. Which color notebook do you want?”

    “______________.”13 You take the notebook of that color into your left hand, wrapping your right arm around my waist and putting your hand underneath my popliteal. You put me on your lap with one hand. After that, you open the notebook. Today’s essay question is: What kind of influence does god have? EQ1 (you could replace the word “god” with a word that applies to you better)

    Please answer the essay questions by solely reflecting on yourself. By reflecting on what you think and feel. Do not copy the opinion of any other person. Don’t feel intimidated by “what’s right and wrong” in the eyes of society.

    Are you also annoyed by the doctors treating us with disrespect, but us not saying anything back? ______.14

    Images, Media


    The pictures (taken April 25-27, 2018) are unedited [because that is my preference, in this case], made by Lil Fangs.

    As a Graeyniss, may I be explicit?

    Ex Animo

    Lil Fangs?¿?¿?

    “Telescope + photoshop (@image captured by telescope) = NASA?????”


    What’s a propagandist to you?

    Wednesday, August 1, 2018 – 01:18 (AM) [CEST]

    Scroll down for English. The core is below July 30.

    Ga ik “morgen” moe zijn? I-ë ye 😀

    Mijn naam is Dominique Daniëlle Elia and this is the development of a project that is here to .(grey) .(purple) .(gold) .(black) .(“turkoois”) .(bordeaux) .(dark blue).

    (HAHAHAHA “dit is de beste introductie ooit” [hoeveel procent van mijn publiek spreekt geen Nederlands? Ben jij mijn publiek?])

    The Lil Fangs Challenge: make longer talking videos than I do and win a campaign. There are x (0(grey)0(purple)0(…)0000) winners. Condition: @show yourself at the end of my introduction sentence, in a suitable way.

    You will generate your own score which resembles your personality.

    Waiting time…

    Right before I went to bed

    Lil contribution

    The moon

    Tetris. I ended up moving some stuff placed next to the wall to the top of this pile of things. The previous thing on top was a folded top matress (weggeven?).

    I want to sit on the roof. Sucks that I have to go to work tomorrow.

    I held that thing for like 5 mins. Let’s sit on the roof? You and I? (Not of this house lol.)

    The proposal alternative I have for my essay is much better (anyway). I am not going to apply for a scholarship. (I haven’t had an allowance since age 16, by the way.) To be at work before 08:00, I have to get up at 06:00, but there are so many things I want to do :[. Cuddle me?
    July 30, 2018 – 00:59 (AM)

    “What do you do exactly?” Is a question many people who have stumbled upon my Instagram account have asked me. Because I do not know if they would appreciate it if I would reply with a 2000 word essay, I have described to them where I am currently at in the process of getting where I want to be. The full answer would also include where I came from and where I am going exactly. This could have been easy to describe, if I started off from a regular position and the profession I want to master would have been a profession that already exists. There is currently nothing and no one I can compare myself with, so I will break everything down in this article.

    This article will be under “published maintenance”, just like all other articles on my blog. You can follow the editing proces live.

    As for now, I crave to edit my websites and work on my strategies and marketing, but I have to get up at six to get ready for work… I work 40 hours per week at the ANWB Emergency Center in Den Haag. For now, the contract is only for the summer. (I am “saving up” for an investment… Unfortunately my father has way more than enough funds for the investment I need, but he prefers to spend it on miners. Of course, it is his self-earned money, so he is free to do with it whatever he wants to do with it. But this situation is making me feel a strange form of neglection, which shouldn’t necessarily have to exist. I can’t really talk about it with the people in my environment, in the sense that they pick my father’s side and tell me “I should be happy I have a bed to sleep in.” (But I think they don’t understand my passion and say this because there’s a lot less money earned in their household.)

    I do not feel comfortable with working with someone who is solely passionate about making profit and not about the goals I am trying to achieve (especially because it might take a while before I start earning from my passions), so I don’t look for banks or angels.)

    Every time I write something about myself, my underlying feelings tend to show. I really don’t like drama, but I can’t deny that I’m dealing with a little tragedy here. (I don’t like talking about it, but if I don’t write about it, it will just be an unspoken burden, weighing down on my soul so heavily.) This will not be for long, though. I know there are people out there who are just as passionate as I am. Once we get together and put our heads together, we will create so many truly unique and beautiful things. Now that I am not in a “non-distance-learning” university anymore, finding my potential target audience has become a lot less easy. A few days ago, however, I had an idea that might change this.

    Below July 30

    I still need to write the core. I will do that when I have a day off.

    Online Diary, Recipes

    Back At It: Thursday, July 19, 2018

    16:27 (04:27 PM)

    Hey youuu

    I have missed you so much!!

    After my “mission” in the US, and me showing a very emotional side of myself on this blog, I told myself to not share my thoughts on this blog again. For the sake of attracting a larger audience and accomplishing my life goals (creating a new world, etc…). My thoughts are very “untraditional”… And I REALLY dislike defending myself against someone who solely intends to push their opinion, while not trying to even understand mine. I was afraid someone would verbally attack me for the way I express myself on this blog. But, as usual, there’s a lot of unspoken turbulence in my life and I need to express that somehow…

    Before I dive into the turbulence [I want to make clear I am not “un-cuddle” and what my thoughts are on my thoughts on certain parties, which I’ve expressed in older posts. If you’re going to read my older posts, reading the thoughts on my thoughts is a must read, to understand why “it happens”] I want to write down what I put in the pasta I made for lunch/dinner at work, I ate today (and yesterday…..).

    Tagliatelle, aubergines, tomatoes, union, stock block, saffron, turmeric, cinnamon + … (“Jonnie Boer kruidenmix”), creme fraîche.

    21:55 (09:55 PM)

    But of course I had to work in the meantime haha. My shift ends in 5 minutes.

    00:42 (AM)

    And now I’m in bed. I’m too tired to finish my stories now. Hopefully I’ll have some time tomorrow morning and in between clients, tomorrow afternoon/evening.

    Drafts, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Random Thoughts

    The Future of Mass Enlightenment

    The minds of many people in modernized societies are occupied with life in a professional environment, information disseminated by mass media and social media as an extension of their personal life. Within this type of reality of an individual, new concepts are introduced every day. New (sustainable) products, new online networks, new world news, et cetera. These concepts are only new in the sense that they are the latest variation of a conception that already exists. This makes me wonder: will we, in twenty years’ time, still be talking about that “new” type of smartphone, while the conception “smartphone” already exists? Will we forever be re-inventing the same things?

    My aspiration in life is to introduce a concept to enlighten the masses with, which cannot be broken down into an already existent idea. Of the many different ways I see to put this into practice, Project Nosce Te Ipsum has the largest potential audience and the most fun and diverse development process. It starts with an alternative, more accessible publishing system for scholars and will, in the end, unveil a completely new perception of life, for those who are interested in experiencing that. We need an alternative publishing system for scholars, to be able to experience truly futuristic concepts.


    Without education, we would not be where we are right now, as a society. Education has brought us common knowledge and the knowledge we need to fit in, in a professional environment. It has given the lives of many people purpose, who else would not know what to do with their time on Earth. Through the education system, very large amounts of people are prepared to work for a business and climb up within that same business environment. They spend what they have earned. So, indirectly, the education system is keeping the economy going.

    Even though education keeps society going, I do not believe it brings society forward. It is the ambition of an individual that familiarizes us with his or her newfound knowledge and allows us to evolve. This passion is incentivized by personal interest and would exist even without the existence of the education system.

    If this invention of either a mental or a physical concept could lead to a service or product being delivered to the masses, only then those who have gone through the education system could get involved in the process and seek for ways to keep the business going, while trying to make more profit and searching for more efficient production methods, like they are taught to. In this manner, education keeps society going, after the independent reasoning of an individual has brought us forward.

    The educator has a very honorable position within the process of societal development, but, by the masses, his or her position is, unfortunately, not celebrated as such. According to Bernays (1928, p. 121 – 122), not only is he or she not tasked with mass enlightenment, the public is also not very interested in the field of education. The educator is tasked with teaching a relatively small group of individuals the same accredited knowledge every individual is supposed to know, to obtain a certain diploma, degree or certificate. (For scholars, I like to consider teaching and doing research as separate fields, even though, for some people, they are part of the same professional life.)


    Bernays, E. L. (1928). Propaganda. 2nd Edition. New York: Horace Liveright.

    [This article is still being edited.]


    By Dominique Daniëlle Elia

















    Crib sheet

    (Hide page title)

    [Introduction: “basic intro” statements about social media and mass media, then  ]

    [Core: explore!! Confirm your own knowledge by learning from experience.]

    [Conclusion: ]

    This will be my original contribution to the Essay Writing Contest. (With a back-up on the web, I’ll never lose what I’ve written :D. But then will plagiarism become an issue?? Hmm… Then I won’t put it on my blog, I think. There’s a chance they won’t look at it if they see that it’s “100% plagiarism”, because I put it on the web… I could also put it in the e-mail I in which I send the essay, that if there’s plagiarism, it’s because it’s on my blog, because other than that there’s no way someone else has stated what I will state in this essay.)

    The maximum of words is 1500. I’m picking the topic “How Education Improves Society” and plan on stirring in my plans for “new research publishing” and “new PR”.

    I’ll be using “Bookman Old Style” on 12 points. Double-spaced. The deadline is the 31st of July.

    The thing I always struggle with is to not introduce too many topics and lose the essence of the point I want to make. So down here, I’ll just write down everything that comes to mind right now, and then later decide what I’ll make of it. I want to state that education is so good to society (even though I would personally prefer a different education system), it should be more “approachable” for your new knowledge to be shared. As in the “research publishing should be different” (more independent)… Now, we have been “building on” common/shared knowledge. This allows people to legally make a living. Education branding can inspire someone to also seek for new knowledge. I don’t want to state things as facts, but not be able to back up my fact. I think we have milked common knowledge enough. Now it’s time to focus on individual knowledge. You could use someone else’s knowledge to . Just like how the scientific theories on how the universe came into existence are built up. It all started with the perception of one person. That person’s theory was considered true. Other people started to build other theories upon that one theory, and now we have “The Big Bang Theory”, which is branded internationally. It defines the scope of life of so many people. How about everyone has to search for and confirm their own theories? Since the perception of the universe is unique to every individual. As a pupil in this new education system, you pick whose knowledge you use to get your own knowledge. When you’re done learning, you become a freelancer/sole proprietor/business owner (who hires freelancers/sole proprietors). This way of living incentivizes people to “stay more sharp”, in the sense that you have to actively keep trying to distinguish yourself and developing your business. This is different from having a permanent contract at whatever company.

    I need more text on how education improves society, but I actually disagree… Our current education system just gets people ready to become a slave until they retire… What would be better, I think, is to state how education could improve society. I mean, our current society isn’t bad, in the sense that there are lots of people who can live a life without having to struggle day in day out (but what is struggling if you don’t like your own lifestyle? Then literally everyone is struggling and there is a lot more to improve). I think society needs a certain type of improvement, and education is the only way to achieve it. So what would be better is to say “How education could improve society even more”. And then introduce my plans :D. (Because also I don’t really agree with education improving society right now. It’s ambitious people who improve society. They often do this with “new knowledge” they found themselves… (But I don’t have numbers on that.))

    Through education, mass education through mass media has been made possible. I want to talk about the public relations type of education. But before that could make me go off topic, let me state the type of improvment I [and you too, I hope] want to see. Should I not criticize the routine of life we’re forced into? Because I really don’t like it and I think I could offer a way better alternative…

    How do I go from “nothing” to explaining how we could create a new society within society, for those who

    Draft thesis statement: “Why the D.O.C.I.S. International online think tank is what will initiate education improving society more than ever before.” (But I was taught in Dutch you should sound confident, but in English you should humble yourself more. Also, the think tank only works when everyone cooperates, so it’s not that certain… I need a new thesis statement.)

    Concepts and statuses are fixed. They should be non-fixed and organized in a different way. (Bernays x2)

    To re-organize society, we need the S.I.P.O, because it allows us to oversee the influences of external parties, and learn our true common perception of life. With this, we’ll find an alternative to the actual fixed society we’re living in.  Some might not crave for this, but for those who do, there will be a project. For those who say “yes”, but consider this question a trick question.  Today, there are no educational pioneers. Only business leaders. (Care about status too much. Misused intelligence.)

    What is, then, the final goal of our development? I think this is something personal, not universal.

    Deleted paragraphs:

    “If from today onward, our society would not undergo any changes anymore, would you consider that a problem?” My hypothesis is that most people will answer this question with “yes”. In our globalized society, it is almost unthinkable to not be notified of developments anywhere in the world. By just reaching into your pocket, you could learn about sustainable growth in a third world country. By laying down on the couch while gazing in front of you, a reporter could inform you, he or she will say, “about the legislation of something large groups of modern minds have been pleading for, for a very long time”.

    Thesis statement: (something like) “Mass media and social media are the new pioneers in mass education. (Luckily) that won’t last forever. This will change when education becomes more oriented on the individual, instead of on the masses” (but then subtle)

    The introductory question is actually a trick question. The entire first paragraph is actually “een beroep op een bepaald sentiment dat iedere moderne propagandist toepast”. [find proper translation]

    Drafts, Nosce Te Ipsum

    The Assignment

    You have to hire people to achieve your goals. Pick people. The way you’re going to achieve your goals I have set out for you, if you don’t mind…

    Blog, Online Diary

    Zzzzz: Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    12:48 (PM)Hey sweetie,How are you today?It has been so long since I’ve written something to you. I miss you now more than ever. I barely have time to write :[. I wish we would not have to depend on “regular jobs” to maintain our lifestyle. Or that we would just work together. (I know you’re a very good writer……… *cishe*)I’m in Den Haag now, having lunch. I kept working at the beginning of the lunch break, so the group was already gone and I feel too awkward to go to the big cafetaria to search where they’re sitting. (I don’t have much to say so I ask a lot (too many?) questions.) So I decided to eat my rice and beans at one of the many coffee corners near the “classroom” we’re being trained in.


    Friday, June 29, 2018

    Rotterdam, 07:47 (AM)
    I’m on my way to Den Haag again. My job interview was yesterday. When I was about to leave, I realized I couldn’t find my public transportation card. So in an impulse, I decided to take the bicycle… (Is that a “literally translated” Dutch “figure of speech”?) It was 1 hour and 23 minutes from door to door. When I started cycling, I called the person who was going to lead the group assesment to tell him that I was going to be there at 9:15 (maps said my estimated time of arrival was 09:10, but I told him I was going to be there later than my time of arrival, because I was hungry and I knew at some point I was going to stop to take the “krentenbol met pindakaas” out of my bag (to cycle and eat at the same time)). One street I entered, because I wasn’t looking at the screen when I did. My phone compass is broken, I think? Sometimes “the map” keeps flipping itself as if I’m spinning around in circles. Then the navigation voice ends up saying “go right”, while, from the perspective I’m approaching the intersection from, I’m supposed to go left. I ended up cycling past the highway, my arrival time 09:37. Around nine, I received a phone call from someone else from the same organization. He asked me to tell him when I’m there. Twenty minutes before my arrival time, he called me again, to ask me if I wanted to come back the next day and to tell me “I made a bad impression by being late” (ouch :[). So here I am, going to Den Haag again.


    “Upgraded Mac&Cheese”

    While the water for the pasta is getting heated up, chop up an union, a tomato, some old cheese, some bleu d’auvergne (or another type of blue cheese of your preference), some port salut and some machengo. If there are other types of cheese you prefer, you could use them too. I think for the best taste experience, you should include blue cheese. You could grate the cheese instead of chopping it up, but since it will end up melting anyway, just using a knife is faster. 

    When the water is boiling, add the non-stringy shaped pasta of your preference to it, as well as vegetable stock block.

    Blog, Online Diary, Uncategorized

    Monday, June 25, 2018

    Rotterdam, 22:58 (10:28 PM)
    I just went for a run. (I accidentaly wrote “rum” and then backspaced it.) Tomorrow, I have a job interview in Den Haag and the deadline of my two websites (including their apps) is in two days. I haven’t had much time to write blog posts…


    Episode 0: Chapter 1: An Introduction To Project Nosce Te Ipsum

    Today’s media culture has incentivized me to contribute to the world with this project.

    By explaining what the benefits for you are in Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, I give you a quick explanation of the new concepts of the project.
    * A chance to

    Bernays: (forbidden?) commercials for cigarettes

    Episode 1 = Episode 0

    Blog, Online Diary

    Sunday, June 17, 2018

    17:41 (05:41 PM)
    Hi Cuddle
    How’s your day?

    I’m going to cook right now, then do some website maintenance and work on my new free content, and go for a late night run. My mother went back home not so long ago.

    Drafts, Recipes

    Toast with eggs without a toaster

    I don’t have a toaster here, but I felt like eating toast with fried eggs. I ended up taking out the center piece of the bread like this:

    Crumbing the part I had taken out, in the mixture of eggs, tomatoes, sardines and mediterranean spices. I put the pieces of bread into a frying pan with some butter, baking it very lightly before adding the egg mixture into the center part. By frying it a little before you add the mixture, the bread stays crisp, which makes it feel like you’re eating toast, even though you’re not using a toaster. (If you have a toaster, you could put the bread in there before taking the center piece out and adding it to the mixture. Then you don’t have to fry the bread first.)

    Blog, Online Diary

    Saturday, June 16, 2018

    17:58 (05:58 PM)
    Hey :]
    How’s your day?

    I’m having guests over in my apartment in Bad Boekelo right now.

    20:08 (08:08 PM)
    The pictures I made somehow cause an error in the articles I put them in – the articles from yesterday – so they’ll be pictureless. Unfortunately.

    21:04 (09:04 PM)
    I’m going to sleep early today. I decided to make my mathematics test tomorrow, so I need to be sharp for that. Doing that tomorrow will be the most efficient.

    I’d love to hear how your day was. Text me if you’re reading this. It will become a good morning text, though, because I am exhaustedddd. I’m going to try to improve my sleeping rhythm this week, starting today.

    Good night <3

    Drafts, Recipes

    What I made for that visit

    Pasta with paksoi and paprika. I didn’t have any other vegetables… But it’s about the combination of spices that turned out soo well: kerrie, white wine, (extra) cinnamon, creme fraîche and a stock block.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Friday, June 15, 2018

    13:19 (01:19 PM)
    Hey sexy
    Cuddle me?

    I’m so “x_x” I’m still in bed. I’m cuddling my pillows, pretending that they’re not pillows, but it’s not really working for me, since they’re not kissing me back. (Am I lonely? “Nahhhh.”)

    I have so many things to do, but tonight my mother is coming here around 10 PM and she has invited her friend and her grandchild to come over tomorrow. (I don’t want any of them to come over, actually. I’m losing SO MUCH TIME, I’m not in the mood for more than 24 hours of smalltalk [after my trip to the US, I’m so less used to it, too] and I know they’re going to somehow talk about the “family problem” “I HAVE CAUSED” [I disagreeee!!!!!! But what’s the point of arguing for myself if everyone is on their side :[ ] which is SO UNCOMFORTABLE and unnecessary. I don’t know why it has to be brought up so many times. It can’t be “solved” anyway. I’m not going to let myself be yelled at or talked down on, so I’m not getting back in touch with anyone.

    I’m losing so much time with this visit, I’m in bed because I feel so scared of missing my deadline. I don’t want to have to share someone else’s bed again… I want my own bed. In my own very private place, where I choose who visits me (that would be only you).

    I wanted to cook for them. But my mother wants to eat out, so we’re going to eat out. First I tell her I can make a reservation here at the resort. Her reply was: “That’s fine, but isn’t there something else in the neighborhood?” So I send her some restaurants that are close by. She says: “That’s all very chic. I’d love to have a chic dinner with you, but it’s not very convenient right now, because “our friend” is bringing her grandchild.” Things like that can really trigger me. First of all, I don’t even want to eat out. Second of all, I’m not out to make you pay for something expensive. That’s nothing like me. (But mind you that “expensive” actually doesn’t even exist for her, if you look at how much money is coming in every month and how much is going out. Compared to “the maximum” of what I could ask. (I always pick the cheapest option, if they offer to give me something.) I also can’t help that there are only chic restaurants in the neighborhood. And I think that you should never take a child to any restaurant (unless it’s a “children’s restaurant”) anyway. That must be the most boring thing ever for him/her.

    On Wednesday evening, I made her dinner and a dessert. I thought it would be nice to eat at the table and drink some wine. But she preferred to sit in front of the TV. The same as she wanted, the next day, when I made her breakfast. It’s funny how my parents ALWAAAAAAAYS get their way. When I was a kid, we never went to the “children’s activities” I wanted to go to. We always did what my father wanted to do. Often something related with planes, because he wanted to become an army pilot.

    I keep feeling uncomfortable with venting to you in these posts, because I don’t want to bore you with this “drama” (I really don’t like drama). I don’t want to lose you as my reader…

    Okay, so I need to have breakfast, still…

    19:58 (07:58 PM)

    Here I am, waiting voor mijn “patatje mayo met een kaassouflé”, in the restaurant of the resort I’m staying at. This while last week, I was still living low-key, in Miami. The stroller in the back gives you an impression of the type of guests this resort has. I love it here. It’s so calm and the people here are so open and friendly. Yesterday, the bus driver dropped me off at the resort. My battery died when I was at the bus stop. Right before it died, I made a little road map in my notebook. But it was getting dark and it was a quite long walk, so I’m so glad he did! Also, as a black person who has been stigmatized incredibly often, I felt so good and trusted about that he gave me the box with ticket money to hold.

    02:22 (AM)
    I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull this off in one night, starting after dinner, but I did it:

    *image* [my phone keeps giving this error message when I try to upload it]

    I only have to link it to my website. Or the Docis International website… Hmmm…. I’ll sleep on that.

    Good night, my Cuddle
    I love you 😀
    (I’m doing this for some cuddles of you. Boii if I would see you wear a shirt that says “Meow…”… Meow…)


    Blog, Online Diary

    Thursday, June 14, 2018

    13:40 (01:40 PM)
    Heey :]
    How are youu?

    The train I got into just departed from Den Haag Centraal. I’m on my way to the final stop: Enschede. From there I’ll take the bus and then walk to the apartment. Around 18:02 (06:02 PM) I’ll be there. In the meantime, I’ll be working on Project Fangs: the official marketing campaign behind Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

    15:46 (03:46 PM)
    “Haha” I noticed that my phone launched the camera out of nowhere sometimes. I just found out that my “squeeze force level” went from not even half way the bar to the maximum of the bar. So “shoutout” to the HTC U11 for giving me stronger hands :D. But still, why launch the camera when I’m not even touching my phone¿?¿ (Haha is it “haunted”? *Likes pictures from the 90’s out of nowhere*)

    Boii I just saw that the very last bus to the village near the resort goes at 18:22 (06:22 PM). My only option after that is a 2 hour walk. My train gets to Enschede at

    Instagram video (pre-marketed)
    Clips of the following songs

    Online heist: “Lil Fangs for Praesens”
    The introduction text of the introduction text of the introductory test
    Ben & Milkyas? The only ones involved with funds of D.O.C.I.S. International bought a Corporate Island. I think I’m just going to make this paragraph the text of both the introduction video

    [“Yo did you block me?” “I didn’t… I just needed to break contact with my parents. (And no one else, actually.)” Boiii if you knew the crises I’ve averted by going off the grid twice. Is it really that bad that you had to think about me

    21:59 (09:59 PM)
    I was in Rotterdam from about 11. I drove with my mother from Enschede to Rotterdam.

    After hearing church bells in the city centre [at first, I thought I was tripping big time, but then, I realized: in the Netherlands, it’s normal to see “the time on the wall”. It made me ferl like time haunts you in this fast 9-5 economic culture. As in: churches in the middle of the city. With big clocks on their towers. Do they ring the church bells in every city? Abroad as well? It’s already loud… Then there’s this “It’s the first Monday of the month” air alarm, which is also way too loud. (And think about people with trauma’s who can get very scared of the sounds of these things…)], while there was no church, I realized: I’m not made for living in a (“big”, crowded) city. There’s this “We all turn on the TV or play music when we’re alone because we’re scared blah blah” piece of “common knowledge” (ew) going around, but I know that doesn’t go for everyone. It doesn’t apply to me. I know it doesn’t apply to these graenissis and the older (educated) people here on the countryside as well.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Wednesday, June 13, 2018

    16:36 (04:36 PM)
    Good afternoon :]

    *cuddles you*

    I wish I could bring us together, in a non-mainstream way and in a non-mainstream setting. (If the cuddle were real, I wouldn’t have been able to make that last statement. I want real cuddles :[.)

    My next strategy for cuddling you is: finishing “the overview” I started a few days ago, PR branding myself and Nosce Te Ipsum (“the semi-mainstream way”) and making some free content (as part of the marketing campaign).

    I came up with making an animation video yesterday. That will be added to the list I showed you two days ago. I also came up with the deadline for preparing the campaign: June 25. Today, I’ll list the detailed steps of all aspects of the preparation of this campaign.

    How this could lead me to cuddling you? If you’d think this is “sharing with the mainstream proof” material [as in: you could say “I’m proud of sharing this and showing this side of myself” without having the feeling that you’re lying and being eaten alive by the masses], you could openly “hop on the private Nosce Te Ipsum train” (instructions you’ll see on the renewed website) and never feel alone in a “world” full of ?¿?¿?¿. In the meantime, we’ll be making big moves. “Big moves” as in: living a completely new lifestyle, which is incomparable to any other lifestyle [I’m talking about building a new corporate state, running it and designing the lifestyle full of relaxation that goes with it (yes, running something big and relaxation go hand-in-hand, because the organization routine is already made and we don’t work with people who like/cause chaos (sorry for saying “yes”… As if you’d think like that. The mainstream is getting to my head :[))]

    Blog, Online Diary

    Tuesday, June 12, 2018

    18:02 (06:02 PM)
    Good evening, sweetie
    How’s your day?

    I’m trying to oversee what my next next move should be. In a literal sense, I’m very thirsty, so the first thing I’m going to do next is buy some water. I’m “like, really thirsty”. [“Looking at my own blog like… Damm, you thirsty????????”]

    Hmm… I wrote “June 127″… I think that should be 7 days from June 25. [Referring to an aspect of the Nosce Te Ipsum storyline that is going to bridge the gap between a few storylines.] The day on which a lot of stuff is going to happen. If things go my way… On the way I try to make it play out. I have an appointment at the KVK office on the 25th.

    My mother is staying over at the appartment on Wednesday evening. I’m going to make breakfast for her.
    [I don’t want to live in Rotterdam, actually… Een tijdelijke woning in Enschede? Ja, dat is prima. Eerst huur ik een woning in Rotterdam. (Ik moet wel…) Dan start ik de Project Fangs marketing campagne. Samen met de productie van Nosce Te Ipsum Episode 0 [de online heist video: “Lil Fangs for Praesens” (selling snapbacks)]. That means I must be done with everything by June 25.

    Parody Look Alive by … & Drake ? (Make a voice sample.)

    [I’ll be making a new EP(isode).]

    Make an animation explaining what Nosce Te Ipsum is. A marketing campaign, based on “Lil Fangs for Praesens”.

    So you just read my thoughts in its actual pace. As in, that’s how I reason things out. Unnecessarily fast, because there’s a lot of information I have to keep in the back of my head, to oversee that the next move is the right move.

    Blog, Online Diary

    Monday, June 11, 2018

    11:27 (AM)
    Good morning, my Cuddle
    How was the rest of your morning?

    I’m sitting at the Starbucks in the center of Utrecht right now. Earlier, when I was having breakfast at the hotel, I saw that I “won” a shot at one of the houses in the Rotterdam housing lottery. It has two bedrooms – of which one will become my home office – and an open kitchen. The apartment building has an elevator and the total living space is 46.1 square meter. (That’s 496.2162 square feet.) I’m tenth on the list of potential renters…

    23:38 (11:38 PM)
    I’m on a tight schedule of strategizing and putting strategies into practice, so I haven’t really had time to finish this “overview” I was telling you about yesterday.
    I made another overview though, haha. Here’s what I’ll be doing the coming (two?) weeks:

    And this is what I’ll be doing tomorrow:

    Printing documents needed to be allowed to sign the “rental agreement” [I’ll only get the chance to sign if “lottery numbers one to nine” either don’t show up, aren’t available between 13:00 and 13:15 (01:00-01:15 PM) on Thursday or aren’t “in love” with the apartment. I think it’s really cool being able to have an office in a cheap apartment. “I’m so blessed with this opportunity.” (These things make me go crazy.) To truly “fall in love” with a home, though, I’d have to be in a different coutry, so for now, I’m taking all chances. That’s why I’m going to be there an hour early. (Especially because it takes 3 hours to travel from where I’m staying now, to “my home town”, Rotterdam, where I was born. (My parents’ house is five minutes walking from Rotterdam.) Now I’ll be staying/The apartment I’ll be visiting is in a completely different area, though. Very close to the Rotterdam airport (I’ve only visited once in my life, to go on a tour. Either with school or with my parents).)] I’m going to do tomorrow, so that I don’t necessarily have to leave the resort apartment I’m staying at right now. I “moved” from Utrecht to Bad Boekelo in Enschede today, thanks to my mom. I’m really happy she’s helping me out. I do not at all feel comfortable with the fact that I depend on anyone’s help right now, though. It keeps me from speaking my mind and makes me feel way smaller than I truly am. (I formulated the end of that sentence like that on purpose. I need to get my confidence up.)

    To come back to what I said about not being able to “fall in love” with a home here: it’s because the country doesn’t feel like home to me. Yeah, it’s over-propagandized to say: “My country over everything. I love it so much, and I’ll die for it,” and I used to do the same thing (in a lighter form) with Rotterdam, but I learnt that it’s more “following the custom” and “the feeling of having to fit in”, than that it is actual love. There are certain aspects in the national culture I just REALLY don’t like: the directness and the nosiness. Today, while I was walking “back” from Starbucks to the hotel I was staying at in Utrecht, when I was almost there, I walked a short part of the road on a “small” pavement (small for Dutch standards… In the US I had to walk over the road sometimes (with my suitcase ahahah) [I’m saying that because that fleh was just overreacting. Not because I want to “diss the US”.]), because Google Maps let me enter the road from that way and I was just following the paved roads. [This sounds like a story on the over 9000 level of shallowness, but it’s about the example of nosiness. Plus, this minus the example is a “regular story”, if you’d hear what hear when I’m around other people.] I took a picture of the road, after “it” happend:

    A bus driver stopped right next to me, to point at the other side of the road, to show that I was walking on the wrong side of the road. There were cars and other buses behind him… There were people in the bus… Now, if I’d say: “Just mind your own business. I know what I’m doing,” I’m the rude one. I just nodded “yes” and continued walking. I wanted to wait until I could see the traffic lights and approaching traffic properly, plus, there were bushes where I’d have to cross to reach the pavement, if I’d “take a hard left” after taking “the bus driver’s “advice””. There’s this conservative type of person in this country, who assumes black people “don’t know how things go around here” and they love to tell exactly the black people about it. I’m so used to it, but it’s so insulting. It’s the reason why I adapted my Dutch accent (and English accent) to a more “white sounding one”… I just want to “blend in” and not have that type of conversation. Ever (again)…
    So I told this to my mother, after she introduced the topic of “the neighbor’s girlfriend moved in with him” and we “discussed” this “extensively”. (I used to be able to “divert” topics like these smoothly into conversations about topics that do matter, but now my level of “I really don’t give a fuck” is so high internally, that I just say “Oh wow” and then ask a question (after so much mental pressure because how the fuck can you ask a question based on that) or I make some question-like sounding-statement (haha it sounds as vague as it is, but it “keeps the conversation going” [as long as we don’t talk about my “running away” again…]) I try to keep my mind focused on my path and my peace, but during such conversations and hearing her say: “god god god god dammit” after “other drivers drived fucked up(ly)” (late anticipation…), I can’t find my full conversation. It makes me feel so frustrated internally, but I don’t want to talk about it with anyone who enjoys smalltalk.) I told her the same bus driver story. She replied with: “Oh, hahahahahaha. He probably thought that you looked stupid and that’s why he said it.” I immediately got this feeling as if someone squeezed my heart. My heart beat semi-increased, I felt a lot of pain, had cold sweat, “suddenly”, et cetera. I’d never say something like that to her, unless she does something like it first, and I have to “shoot back” to decrease/indirectly vent my own pain. Later, when I spoke about how I want to decorate my apartment by making all furniture myself, with my low budget, she somehow dropped: “Yeah normally people start collecting things before they leave, or they save up for it. You have nothing. No collection of things (“uitzet”), no savings. Nothing. Hahahah. Yeah, you’ll just have to use camping chairs as dining chairs in the beginning phase.” Again, the painful feeling re-surfaced and I became silent again. For about an hour I only responded with “yes”, “no” or “wow” to the things she said. (“Wow” always applies. “There’s a new supermarket…” “Wow.”, “My tracking bracelet is logging my sleep correctly/incorrectly/very accurately/whatever…” “Wow.”) Yeah, it’s true I have nothing. But you don’t have to rub it in my face, laugh about it and think that it’s normal. But still, according to all of the Netherlands, I have a very loving mother. She just sent me a text that said: “Good night. I hope you can get used to living where you’re at right now and that you’ll be able to sleep in that foreign environment. <3" In that text I see a lot of false assumptions [I easily adapt and sleep more comfortable anywhere but at my parents' house] and no love. "But she sent a heart emoji, so it's love." I told myself I need to stop being so bothered by the only people I interact with, but I actually know I can only solve it by buying them out. For my sanity, for my peace of mind, for my "now you really can't talk back", for my most silent "I told you so" and for being with my true loved ones, I have to buy them out with money I've earned from using my talents. "I'm busy working forever." But I'll never come home saying: "Yippee I got a promotion." ("Now I'll definitely give up on my real dreams and grow old at that desk.") I'm the boss on a level so high I should have been in the shadows, but it's so "paradigma shifting" it has to have a face. [Sorry for my harsh (confronting...?..........) view on reality... I'm trying to solve this life's path though. (I will!) I try to limit these "I don't want to work for a boss" observations, but I need to get this off my chest, just like the feeling of annoyance I get from my environment. You're my "luisterend oor" (if you don't mind...) :]. (I'm saying that because I know A LOOOOT of people who say "Oh yes. You can talk to me bla bla I really want to hear it and be there for you etc etc etc," but start to judge me or change the topic to whatever they want to talk about, as soon as they get the chance.)]
    Meow :[. Another night without no cuddling.

    “The big checklist” will change this, though.

    Thank you for reading me <3. [Not "this", in this context.]
    I love you 😀

    Cuddle me


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