The “bonus track” is available in your favorite music store, under the album name “Revenge of The Nerds”, by Lil Fangs.
You’ll find the playlist by clicking the following link: (I’ll embed later. I’m sitting at the gate and my laptop battery died. We’ll be boarding soon.)
How was your night?
Are you ready for this?
I really can’t wait to see you. I really hope I will…….. The thought of not meeting you freaks me out.
I’ve cooked yesterday, I packed, I wrote a goodbye letter, I rushed the lyrics videos and I made a 9 hour first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum. Why I’m up at 6 in the morning? Because I just finished making the episode. The time it takes to let my computer produce the video file, is just as long as the video itself. My plane leaves earlier than that. I’m going to just upload the fragments one by one, until my plane leaves instead.
jHere’s my goodbye letter. I wanted to translate it for you, but I don’t have time for it. You could use a translator from Dutch to your language (French, “par example”?) if you still want to know what I wrote. It’s not a happy letter. It’s a very honest one.
I’ve shortened it to an hour now. That will “solve” it. I’m going to upload the lyrics videos and take a nap. xx
My computer was acting up, because in the episode I’m using both videos made with my digital camera and my phone. So I’ll now re-try to process it on the plane. I can maybe even make a longer version, since the flight is about 3 hours. I think it’s very nice that I’m not on a direct flight. I’d rather fly 3 hours, have a break of an hour at least and then fly for 6 hours, than fly for 9 hours at once.
I’m on the planeeee.
15:03 (03:03 PM)
(17:03/05:03 PM Dutch time)
I’m on another planeee. I bought another sandwich and some chocolate for the trip.
19:15 (07:15 PM)
So I made this episode to tell you I’m not missing. When I was in Iceland, I texted back my mother. She might not even notice that I’m gone. That would mean that I wouldn’t have had to pull this all-nighter last night. But anyway, existing already feels a lot less stressful. This was my only way to be able to stop being obligated to take pills that don’t belong in my body. I can prove that that is true in so many ways, but they don’t want to listen to me. They would hate to say that I’m right. Maybe the fact that I don’t have a degree, plays a role in this.
They don’t even try to “prove me wrong”. (Because they can’t. They only say: “Well you went silent and missing. Why don’t you realize you’re crazy?” Very “professional”. Flehs. They don’t understand that it was a conscious decision. Would they call this, what I’m doing now, with the one way ticket, a reason to get me locked up and give me those fucking pills again?)
Aarghh I can’t wait until this issue is solved. But for that I really need a legal representative… Buy my book :D. Pls… :D.
I might just get to The States unnoticed. I’ll just keep texting back until they read my letter. Ah damn. Something I really want/need/(truly) desire is not being alone when the flehs find out I’m starting a new life. But then not be with someone who responds to my emotions according to this “movie reaction script”. Responding with oneliners like: “Just let it out.” “It will all be fine.” Etc. I can do that myself.
Conversations should lead to higher insights. I want to have deep conversations and intimately cuddle. I don’t like these cuddles where someone just leans against you for a few seconds. I prefer when you can feel that the person you’re cuddling really wants to hold you. In a non-lust only way. That’s love. Using oneliners I don’t consider an act of true love. But some people can’t do more than say oneliners. That’s not wrong, it’s just that the oneliners are too predictable for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to see true passion. That person might be nice, but we would just not be able to be true friends. True passion requires creativity. And not saying: “Ugh, I actually don’t want to put “so much cognitive effort” into (understanding) this,” like a lot of people do these days.
Jean, who I met in Paramaribo (you’ll see him in the video episode, once I get a proper chance to comprise and upload it, once I’m (finally) in the hotel), was actually the first person I’ve met ever, who showed me true love and passion. He seriously was the first person ever, who hasn’t made a single hurtful statement. (Unfortunately being hurt so much in the past has caused me to be a bit distant, still. I hope my new life will change that. I’m just afraid of getting hurt. (Which sounds cliché, but listening to someone talk is like moonwalking over a mine field to me, since I get stroke-like physical issues from people hurting me while I want to love them.)
I wanted to write about when I met him, that friday night, but I was too busy having fun. (Not that writing is not fun, of course. I just didn’t want to have my phone in my hand while I finally had the chance to talk to someone with character.) Around my friends and family, in the past year, I haven’t been as talkative as that at all. (He reminded me of B so much, by the way… He has a similar accent and similar facial features.)
When my mother was there, I instantly was less incentivized to talk freely. (It’s also very cool that he’s a smoker too. I don’t mean cigarettes… Too bad my mother was there and I would risk getting locked up in the Netherlands for it, if she would find out.)
If we weren’t around relatives of mine (or in Surinam to begin with… The community is so small basically everyone knows everyone. If you would do something odd, they’ll gossip about it. I don’t want the action to backfire and haunt me…) I would have kissed him. NOT because he reminds me of B!! Because I like his character and his charm. He’s sooo sweet! A lot of guys (and girls) of my generation can learn a lot from him. I think it would be immoral to kiss someone, just because he or she looks like someone you find attractive. It would be a meaningful kiss, of which I would have taken the initiative. Even with my ex-boyfriend I didn’t have that… I haven’t spoken about my polyamorism and how fast I catch feelings, but I’ll get to that another time. (I was seriously getting “Well, if my project doesn’t work out, I could work in the restaurant he’s going to open and start my new life with him”-thoughts.) [Need to save my battery… My powerbank charged my phone for literally 30 seconds…]
With Nosce Te Ipsum, we’ll be able to distinguish people with true hart and passion from more “lazy robot”-like minds. I want to pay the people who will want to work for D.O.C.I.S. International, after project Nosce Te Ipsum has , a very high salary and give them a lot of freedom and responsibilities. Freedom in the sense of time (you work whenever you want to work, as long as we get the result we want) and responsibilities in the sense that your function in the organization would be based on maintaining a goal, instead of “maintaining a task”. The work you would do would be very various. (You might also travel a lot, if you’d like to do that. Then, consider yourself a diplomat of the organization. (Did you know that, while the organization is getting established, during project Nosce Te Ipsum, I want to become a US diplomat? I want our organization to have a government-like function in a country. Minus the shadiness and the lies.))
I’m going to stop writing, until I get to the hotel. I think I’ll need to show my reservation on my phone, I still need to use maps to find the hotel (a 20 minute walk…) and I need to listen to music to not get too lonely.
18:18 (06:18 PM)
We landeddd. Just to let you know :p.
When I cook, I always try to discover new tastes. I’ve never tried the combination of basil and saffron before. “The Last Meal” I’ve prepared for my family. Today. Last meal ever. We’ve eaten so much takeout food and many (unhealthy) restaurant dinners, I’m starting to receive complaints on my weight gain again. Once I’m done with all publishing aspects of episode 1, which is tonight, I’ll have time to work out again.
I’m using half a pumpkin (3), two egg plants (aubergines) (3), an union (1), tomatoes (2), garlic (2), basil (3), oregano (3), saffron (3), a stock cube (3) and a teaspoon of sugar (4). The numbers indicate the order I’ve added the ingredients in. Real basil, real saffron and real stock will make it taste better for sure. But I don’t have that to my access right now. I considered using creme fraîche as well, but I don’t have that to my access right now and the shops are closed, since it’s White Monday.
Of course, with this recipe, you could use any type of pasta, except macaroni (unless you cut everything in very very very tiny pieces. I say no macaroni because, to me, it just feels odd if the vegetables are bigger than the pasta). I’m using spaghetti. I cooked it in vegetable stock.
I thought of adding lentils, before I started cooking, but while cooking, I didn’t think of it. Another time I’ll experiment with lentils. (I’ve tried lentil soup, but I’ve never cooked anything with lentils myself. It tastes like something you could make this good Turkish style bread with, though. (Could it still be as airy? I love Turkish bread!) Or make a potato spread with.)
The responses to my food have been positive, besides the fact that I should have used more salt. To me, that means that I should have used more of all of the other ingredients. I like food with a strongly flavorous, but still subtle taste. Adding salt takes the subtleness away. The thing with the non-fresh ingredients I’m using, is that its taste is quite artificial and you need to add sooo much of it to really be able to taste it in your food. I’ve seriously used a quarter of the little glass pot of basil I’ve used, to be able to taste it in the dish.
I can’t wait to cook with real saffron one day. To make my taste buds happy. That reminds me of something I wanted to show you. Is this typically Dutch, or do they do this in other countries as well? This is a waste of plastic.
I think the combination of spices was good, but the amount and “realness” of the saffron was far from enough, so I’m not sure. Maybe some rosemary and a bay leaf would go well with this dish.
I’m going to start editing the video for my first episode now.
14:52 (02:52 PM)
My suitcase weighs 15 kg, according to the weighing scale I was able to put it on, right before my father entered the house. He just came back from visiting my grandmother. He called me downstairs to strongly advice me not to visit her. Her accusations, distrust and pessimism have gone out of control. I already noticed it on the phone today. She never wants to talk to me, but suddenly my mother gave the house phone to me, earlier today, saying that she wants to talk to me.
I said hello and asked her how she was doing. She said she was not doing good (and nothing else). I asked her why and she said “because of a lot of factors”. From the sentiment in her voice, I knew that if I would continue asking her questions, a series of false accusations was going to follow. That’s how it goes. E-ve-ry time. So I said: “I’m very sad to hear that.” She said: “May I speak to your father?” The shortest phone conversation in the history of phone calls I’ve ever “received”.
My father came back with the news that she accused me of stealing €600 cash from her and a birthday present she received from someone else, but suddenly wanted to give back. And I “stole her silverware”. I always ask her: “Why would I take that from you?” Because I’m always the one being accused of shit. My father told her to not give us things anymore. She said that she still wants to give my sister, because my sister doesn’t steal from her. She believes that, because my sister never visits her, so she can’t be the one who’s “stealing things”, when my grandmother is not able to find something. The last time my sister has seen my grandmother was also in February, when I was staying there. She came there once to sleep after a night out and the night before she also dropped by to borrow my drivers’ license to get into a club. The only time she texts me is always to borrow something from me or ask what time I’m done cooking (her) dinner request. I’ll show you this hurtful chat history one day. I need to talk about it with someone, because no one in this country I have ever met, is able to relate to this form of neglection and sadness.
I thought of walking in and chatting with her a little bit, when I visit, but I won’t be able to endure that hurtfulness for more than a second. I’m going to make a picture of her with the mangoes in the door opening and send that to the family group chat. Then I’m going to make a run for it. I hope my sister will be in school before that and my father will have gone to work before that.
18:19 (06:19 PM)
What makes me sad the most if that, if anyone in my environment just would have focused on love instead of negative judgment, none of this would have happend. Even that guy that used to be a journalist, who interrupted me while filming yesterday, to ask me what I was doing (which made me lose precious time to use my camera, of which the battery was dying, but then it still showed two out of three stripes), said I won’t succeed with my mission, because a lot of people in the history of mankind have tried to do the same thing, but they all failed. That is THE Dutch propaganda answer EVERYONE has told me. LITERALLY EVERYONE!!!!! Or that I need to follow their vision to correct the layout of a logo or website I’ve showed them, because it doesn’t look like everything else “professional”. “Professionality” is the most fictive, over-propagandized, least creative concept of all time. It’s about content. Not about looks. For me. I know it isn’t for those who hate to use their brains. Those people aren’t part of my target audience.
I want to do things differently. If you’re not open to seeing things differently, then maybe it’s better that we don’t work together on this project. It’s not fun working together, if we’re not on the same page, right? “You should use a different color than blue” for my Unitainers logo. If someone says: “I’m not going to use this product, only because the logo is blue,” I would feel sad for the product, if that loveless person would buy it. “There’s too much line height in the caption next to your image,” was the “professional feedback” I got for the layout of https://elia-pr.com. I think it looks pretty that way. If someone would not want to do business with me, only because of that, I would feel relieved. These people need to stop being unnecessarily critical, since they don’t even dare to operate on the same level as I.
23:08 (11:08 PM)
I still have to start editing, write the goodbye letter and edit the websites. I’m getting up at seven… Speaking of getting up at seven… I’m going to create some alarms.
23:11 (11:11 PM)
I wanted to go home to do something about the fact that my stomach was making hunger noises again. In such a way that it impacted my level of energy. I wanted to eat some more of the vegan pasta I made today, but it was basically finished.
Here’s the recipe (draft).
We’ve been chilling at my friends’ parents in Amsterdam for quite some time now. I kind of really want to go home. The weather is so nice. I can’t wait to be completely alone. To be able to walk somewhere without being accompanied by people I wouldn’t voluntarily be around. I want to record my episodeeee. All the videos I’ve made will become one long episode, I decided in the plane.
16:02 (04:02 PM)
Yesterday was fun. I know the degree of fun I experienced is just a teaser of the fun I’ll experience when I’m totally free, chilling with you.
First I felt a bit sad for the people I’ll be leaving, but from the way they treat me, I know they’re just playing their role, not conscious of the underlying sentiments in their actions.
I don’t have a problem with sharing my food. If I don’t like you, but you ask me to have some of my food, I’d still share it with you. Something I won’t do is just keep eating it without asking. Or use someones legs as a drum kit for a tiny plastic bottle. How disrespectful.
Soon, I won’t be mentioning these fleh actions anymore. Excuse my madness.
16:06 (04:06 PM)
… I’m not allowed to carry my keyboard in my suitcase instead of in my backpack, because I might get stolen. I say: “So someone at the luggage checking area is going to spot this €100 keyboard through this luggage checking machine and think: “Oh boyyy this is definitely worth risking my job”.” They say: “Yes.” My parents. Why aren’t they diagnosed with paranoia, if I’m a schizophrenic? The fuck?
We’re now on our way to buy jewelery.
18:24 (06:24 PM)
Sad Fangs reporting for Cuddles.
14:00 (02:00 PM)
What’s the most fun thing you’re going to do today?
My father woke me up at 12, telling me to get up. This is my first night here, where I slept “aan een stuk door”. Without waking up. (That’s not my most fun thing. The only thing I can think of of something fun that’s on my physical realm schedule right now is all aspects of leaving, minus the emotional drama that will follow.)
Good morning, my cuddle
How was your night?
I’m sitting at the breakfast table now.
My sister asked me to put her phone in the charger, when my grandmother woke us up, because we had slept through the alarm (but I think I didn’t go off? My biggest fear is that this happens on the 22nd…). My grandmother was done showering. I was done packing, getting my things to take into the bathroom, when she asked me to put her phone into the charger, because it was at 2%. The funniest thing about this is that her Whatsapp status is: “Sleep when I’m dead, rest when I’m tired.” She spends all of her free time taking naps and watching Netflix. Is she dead, then? Her “oneliner” is “kill yourself” when someone does something wrong or stupid in your eyes. In what situation is it “good” to say “kill yourself”, “jokingly” to someone you know is suicidal? She has taken two weeks off work, but we’re here for three weeks. Now she says “it’s their fault” for not getting her a replacement, because she has been trying and no one wants to take over her three days of work.
Aiight… Nosce t’ipsum episode 1 is available on Deezer and Spotify under the name “Revenge of the Nerds”, just like in every other online music store.
We’re now on our way to the boat into the forest. What the fuck. They always complain about me being slow, but they were the ones still having to get shit, change shit, drink shit, talk shit, etc. I can’t sleep in this stupid van. That has a crack in the windshield.
My mother has been complaining about this woman who worked at the hotel, who nodded “yes” and walked away, after she said: “The tea water is finished, isn’t it?”, after she saw the same woman try to pour water from it, but there was nothing coming out of it. The woman “was unpolite and probably couldn’t speak English”, in her eyes. She kept mentioning that the Brazilian personnel spoke bad English and no Dutch. She even asked Surinamese manager about it. The fuck does it matter?
13:43 (01:43 PM)
Fleh. I had to eat meat, because the dishes with fish on the menu weren’t available. That is sooooooo common in Surinam. Not once have I not had to change my order because what I picked on the menu wasn’t available.
The “main language” there is Dutch, by the way. I hadn’t mentioned that yet. It’s in South America, above Brazil.
If the kitchen of the “highway” restaurant is maintained in the same way as the toilet, I’m in trouble. I took a picture of the toilet. All of the highway toilets I’ve visited looked like that.
We’re still on our way to the boat to go into the forest. It’s still raining. I hope somehow, the sun will come through.
15:33 (03:33 PM)
Make a wish!
Do that often. Believe it will happen in real life. Wait I need to take this picture.
16:27 (04:27 PM)
We’re at Isadou. I was just ready to swim after taking a few pictures, when it started to rain heavily. It’s already over now, though.
Haaa my father just literally asked me to scratch his back.
17:59 (05:59 PM)
We’re back on the road. I’m making a schedule to divide my tasks over the few days left.
I just finished pre-twisting my braids. I’m exhausted.
I need a cuddle :[. The thought of the “impact” of my goodbye letter makes me so sad. Because I don’t want to have a bad impact on people and I know they would, if I would say I feel hurt because of them, say that I’m looking at it wrong and it is still my fault. Fleh :[.
By the way, I decided to not mention that I didn’t want to go to Surinam and this unfinished test issue could have been avoided, when my mother asked me how my test went. She responded with some oneliners: “Better luck next time,” etc. My father said: “Zonde.” Literally translated, that’s: “Sin.” But it is interpreted as: “What a waste of this opportunity.”
Writing about it helped a little. But a fleh-less (B) cuddle would take all of my life’s sadness away.
I’m going to close my eyes now. (I’m so tired I’ll pass out in a second.)
Good night <3
19:58 (07:58 PM)
I was starting to feel bad for leaving. But then I heard (in English, with an intentional “funny accent”), while this mf was poking in my belly (that already hurt): “You need to start working out. Damn. Go to the gym six days a week.” You need to buy proper groceries and stop buying takeout food you overweight fleh. I didn’t say a thing. If I would speak my mind, I could terminate my mission.
And that was before I received my second round. They don’t need to eat as much as I do. They don’t get as fucking hungry as I get (I’m talking headaches and near fainting). Because they don’t use their fucking brains.
The first round I had ordered three small rolls. The second (and last… even though I could still eat more) round I had five small rolls.
I know that “relationship ending” conversation with my sister is one of her “succesful” anecdotes. How tf can you do that and then say: “Can I borrow your charger?” “Can I borrow your calculator?” “I forgot my *fucking essential products*, can I borrow yours?” “I don’t like fish. Can you cook something else.” “I’m having friends over, could you cook this and that for them?” I haven’t finished that one NTI story about “our fight over Whatsapp and SMS”, but she had taken two days off school after a fight she had caused herself. Telling everyone “I had another attack of craziness”. Even this fleh stalker friend of my parents knew it right when it started. I was at my grandmother’s then. My grandma was at the hairdresser. I was working on NTI. I had blocked her on Whatsapp and SMS. She called my grandmother’s house phone a few times, but I didn’t pick up. I unblocked her for a second to tell her she should stop calling, looking for beef, and focus on her tests. She ended up coming by my grandmother’s house. I told her she should go back home and study. She said she wanted to “talk it through”. I asked her: “What is there to talk about?” Then she said: “Yeah I was pissed because you said these mean things about our parents and you told me to pick a side, so I picked theirs, since you were being so hateful.” I told her that I hadn’t told her to pick a side. I had said that I want her to make an independent decision, so I wasn’t going to argue for why she should pick my side. [She has cleeearlyyyy picked my parents’ side. So when Nosce Te Ipsum is succesful, she won’t get any benefits of the project either. She was the only exception, in the end. But fuck that. More benefits for you is a way better decision, my cuddle. Remind me that I never change my mind on this, even when they use their nasty “passing guilt” tricks on me.]
Then she said: “No, you have never said that.” I said: “What the fuck? Why would I lie about that?” She said: “Because you always want to be right. I hate it when people lie to me.” I immediately handed her my phone, after she said hers was empty, after I had told her to prove to me that I was lying (which was bullshit). I showed her the message saying that independent decision thing. She said: “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” I told her: “Well, find your message, then.” Being damn sure I didn’t say it and she wouldn’t be able to fucking find it. She couldn’t find the message. She told me I had deleted the message, because I wanted to be right. Okay, I know I’m good at being steps ahead and stuff, but what the fuuuuuck is this??????? If I would have deleted only that message, I would have somehow known that she was coming to my grandmother’s house. And then I would have spontaneously deleted that one message? Because my sixth sense would tell me she would come looking for more beef or something? Hell fucking no, man. Ahahaha. I don’t even know how that should have made sense. I wonder how she couldn’t see how dumb she sounded. They always say shit like: “You’re always doing evil shit, but you never look in the mirror, Dominique.” Do they even know what a mirror is? (Do they even mother fucking know me?) What the fuck do you do by making that statement (evil motherfucker)? When I was little, I would actually adapt my behavior and beliefs to these statements, saying “Yes. I am evil. I am dumb. I am not enough. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Hmmm… I tried to commit suicide when I was 10… Hmmm… Coincidence? I think not. Fucking murderers. This type of satanistic people have had the primate for as long as I have been alive. (Not only in my family. In sports. In music. In politics. In PR. In sneaky shadow government shit. In everything. My grandfather is the only exception I have known, who was also aware of this. Too bad my parents let him die.) IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH. I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRULY EMPATHIZE (they don’t even know who they are or what they want…) AND THUS SHOULDN’T BE THE ONES SETTING THE STANDARDS. BEING A HATER SHOULD BE DISCOURAGED. BEING A “NERD” SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.
Why isn’t she diagnosed with fucking paranoia? Is it just me, or does she sound fucking dumb re-starting a fight over a letter about me wanting to put more love into our relationship? In a way, I’m happy I found out she was a snake (too), before I would have ran away and still kept her in my life. What if this side of her had revealed itself to me, mid Nosce Te Ipsum? That would have been fucked up for all mankind. She wants to become a psychologist… What the fuck… “I’m depressed.” “No. You’re lying!!!!” Ahahahaha. (I type “haha” but I want to cry so loud about this. I haven’t told anyone about this and ALL these motherfucking snakes know we have had this fight. They have NO sense of empathy. FUCK them. Let them watch Netflix for the rest of their lives and stay THE FUCK out of my project. Blacklist.)
The story about this beef is even longer. It turned out that my mother had brought her to my grandmother’s house (of course…). It turned out that she had brought a friend along, who was waiting in the car outside. They said things like: “I don’t understand how some people say words hurt them.” “Maybe you just have a very heavy form of autism, Dominique.” “No. Going to the psychiatrists is good for you.” I bought a new pack of cigarettes that day. After I had quit for a while. I really needed some moments to be outside. Alone. Not in the same space. I can’t be in the same building (any building) as them, without feeling sooo much stress. I’ll tell you the full story later. I have saved the entire Whatsapp conversation, I’ll DEFINITELY show you and translate for you. I need this. But it’s getting late. It’s 04:18 (AM) now. I was about to go to sleep, when I checked the layout of my article, and saw that a sentence, about me not having finished a topic in NTI, wasn’t finished. I ended up typing out this entire story. I’ll make this article a featured one. It shows the snakey side of my “main” family members. (The only people I see these days. 24/7. Since I broke contact with all of my “friends”.) Hopefully you, my Cuddle, understand why run. Moments like these would empower my suicidal feelings, when I was younger. Now they empower my fire that on the one hand makes me want to fight them. But knowing they believe I’m crazy, my arguments won’t be listened to – I would just get locked into an institution with a warrant, thanks to them (snakes) – my fire empowers my ability to very carefully and secretly strategize my escape, after which we’ll be able to fight “an equal battle”. Now, if I fight back, I could get locked up. Then, they could get locked up for fraud, sexual intimidation, sexual harrassment, being shitty parents, emotional damage on a hisoric level (affecting my hidden witnesses, which makes all of this soooooooooooooooooo much worse, since they stay hidden when I’m unknown and “crazy”), and soo many many many more things.
So, before I started re-editing, I was talking about my father…
Making the same “joke” more than twice is also getting fucking annoying. I told my mother I just texted someone, asking if she can make box braids for me. This man keeps saying: “Haha did you say butt braids?” “Ohhhh you’re getting butt braids.” People don’t believe me anymore when I say this man behaves so fleh, but today I took a picture that says “endless possibilities” when it comes to this man’s personality. Oh my god.
I’m now at question 5 out of 9 questions. Every question has quite some subquestions. (Question 3ai,ii,iii,bi,ii,iii…) For question 6 I need to install a computer program with this shitty internet connection and I have never used the program before. My alarm goes off at 8. We’re going to be wandering through the jungle all day… I’m just making this test to shut these people the fuck up. But I shouldn’t fuck up myself to be able to have more ammo to fight them off. I’m so extremely tired. I can’t even sleep after my day in the jungle because I need to untie all of my braids, wash and condition my hair, comb it and braid it into the right model. For the next day.
Funny thing, that I told my mother I shouldn’t go to Suriname because I have tests, to which she replied: “But that is “ongezellig” [fuck that subjective bullshit word] and you’ll get plenty of time to make the test.” To them, plenty of time is when I take the shortest naps ever during the day, because I don’t get to sleep at night. “I’m wasting my time.” They say. Fuck them to the power of infinity. Squared. I am so fucking pissed. I just had this “flash forward” of how this discussion (they’ll start a fight) after I’ve told them I didn’t finish the test, because of the remaining activities during this holiday and the internet connection. They’ll feel like “it’s their fault”, since they’re the ones “in charge of the activities”, so they’ll start using all kinds of shitty argumentation, to put the blame on me. As fucking usual. As ALL fucking flehs do. I’m going to make an audio recording of the conversation. (I’ve also made an audio recording of when my father and I dropped my aunt off, picking up the car she picked us up in, and changed pants (in the same room… But that is “normal”)… More fraud talk, immoral statements and shallow nonsense from their side.)
I’m so heartbroken over losing my streak of A’s… I could literally cry. This reminds me when I got my first 9 out of 10, when I was 6, and these flehs started to diss me. I’m back at exactly this again. The way history repeats itself is crazy.
Then I had taught myself to say “fuck it” (internally) and aim for putting in the least effort possible, but still pass, so that I can still say that I didn’t put all of my heart and soul into it, when I don’t get the (100% out of 100%) result I want and could easily achieve. I’m already not giving it my all, this Open University, but I was still getting representations “of my intelligence” as my results. I always tell people my low grades are a choice, and they don’t say anything about my intelligence. They don’t understand that decision and still call me dumb. Dumb motherfuckers (who are getting soooo blacklisted). Shit like this (my parents making decisions) are ALWAYS the MAIN factor, causing me having to get a low grade. A decision like: “Today, we’re going to clean the entire house. Je mag niet “weer” [I literally did that once, when I was 14 or so. But now that they treat me like I’m crazy, I do it as often as possible. Since, “since I’m crazy”, project Nosce Te Ipsum is my full time job. On the side, I deal with full time bullshit. Every moment I have to relax, I use to relax. (But what is relaxation if I use it to write these very long updates…?)] je snor drukken. [That’s Dutch for a very barbarian way of saying: “Don’t bail the fuck out again.” (So “double-barbarian”, since I said “fucking”.) Literally translated it’s: “Don’t press your mustache again.”]” When I know I only need three days of non-stop studying to pass a test. Then I do need those full three days. Dammit.
I would rather finish the test than go to the jungle, because, for my “ego” I prefer an A+ over “interesting pictures”. “Relaxation” (making pictures, looking for pretty sights) would be more fun than doing math (because it’s a test (for a grade) and not Nosce Te Ipsum or a puzzle), but the “relaxation” is accompanied with flehs. I want these pictures. I want to sleep in the car for three hours extra (because I don’t even have the entire day to make the test (need to take the London time zone into consideration), so I wouldn’t be able to sleep extra during the day if I would stay in the hotel to make the test. Who else has ever said “to stay in the hotel to make the test”? Ahahahahahah. I write so much and make so many videos and (written) music and other stuff, but feel like these are things no one can relate to, and thus I will only get judged (stabbed in the heart, figuratively) for. I make it for cuddles, though. It’s 02:20 now. I’m going to finish my short letter on why I’m not finishing it, then submit it, try to fall asleep for way too long and then hear my alarm go off at 8 AM. *Sarcastic :D*
Good night, sweetie
I wish we were just cuddling
And these flehs didn’t exist
(If I only had to take myself into consideration and not my parents and the rest of the globe (since I need to take them into consideration when they try to put the blame on me, e-ve-ry time), I would have been more relaxed, I would have been a different person, we would have been together already, we would have made so many positive changes, we would have been so much more happy, I wouldn’t have known what having a stroke feels like, et cetera. Fleh.)
I love you so, so much
I’m now submitting the test and I still need to pack… It’s so hard to fall asleep because my grandmother doesn’t want to sleep with all the lights off. The light in the bathroom stays on. When the light in the bathroom is on, the “air filter” goes on as well… It’s like sleeping on a plane…
I just added so many tags to this article. Oh. Reminder to self to make a recipe for fish soup with lemongrass and coconut milk (and many other ingredients. Don’t try making soup with only those two ingredients because it will have a very “weak” taste). Boom. Now it’s a recipe too. Oh and also, Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1 is online on Tidal and Google Play. I went to an art gallery today. I’ve said this in my video, but I’m typing it again now. This is inefficient. I’m tired. I still want written and video diaries though.
I need something to be cornerstone content. Something that is a very close reflection of self. Something that represents all of my situation… Hmmm… Heheheee. That’s why I want this to be in all categories. Even though there are spelling and grammar errors. Call it “natural typing”. Flehs got nothing on me.
For the sake of my escape, thank god I didn’t take the blood test. Six days left. They will not read a word of the words I’ve written.
dominique elia missing for SEO reasons.
dominique elia missing, yes. Noooooooooo. (That’s “speaking Rotterdams”…)
[As in those who knew about me going missing don’t know my side of the story, but they should… The “search content” should be re-directed to this…]
Good afternoon 😀
How was your night?
Again, I only took a set of naps. In the middle of the night (I already went to sleep past 3 AM, and I was the first to lie down, so the others going to sleep woke me up every time, but later…) I noticed my sister’s breathing was shaking. Later, I heard her sniffle. I figured she was crying softly. I cuddled her and asked why she was crying. Before she could answer, my father stood up (he was watching a movie on his laptop again) and kneeled down beside her.
18:21 (06:21 PM)
He asked her the same thing, but repeated the question a few times, in a quite fast (impatient seeming) pace. “It’s nothing,” she said. My father kept repeating the question. Eventually, she let go: “I want to go home.” I told her: “I feel you. Two thirds of the holiday have already passed. Within no time, we’ll be back home.” My father asked her why. She said that there’s nothing to do here, she’s bored and she feels like she’s wasting her time more than usual. “At home, I still have school and my job to keep myself occupied. Here, I have nothing.” (This concept of “wasting time” is something you can get judged and ridiculed for the most, by my father, mother, cousin and aunt (who were also guests at my aunt’s house). If you’re not up at 8 AM, doing whatever, you’re wasting your life. As a kid, the first time I was staying over at my cousin’s, the first time I took a shower there, at age 10, I was done, according to my gut, very fast. But I didn’t want to hear complaints about me not washing my body thoroughly enough (I used to sweat very easily and wasn’t allowed to use deodorant with perfume), it felt like “a normal shower” took longer and I just wanted to be alone for much longer, so I stayed underneath the shower and was just contemplating life. To this day, she tells me: “Oh my goddd you always take sooooooooo long to get ready.” When we go somewhere, it’s: “You better let Dominique shower first, because she’s soooo slow.” Fleh.)
*insert video here*
In the hotel, not so long before we went out for dinner, my mother asked her mother: “Don’t you have something nicer to wear? Like a blouse or something?”
My sister jokingly said: “Damn.”
I jokingly said: “You’re always (indirectly) dissing people.” (But I was dead serious.)
To me, she said: “I just asked her a question. I wasn’t dissing her.”
I say: “You insinuate that what she’s wearing now is not good enough. But it is.”
She says: “No, I just asked her a question.” After that statement, I didn’t tell her that her argument is so subjective (and weak) it was pointless for me to continue standing up for my grandmother, who immediately started to search for a blouse to wear. Again, she solely focused on the (subjective) trueness of her answer and didn’t bother to understand my perspective, just like every other fleh has been doing, basically all my life. I don’t need this.
But I need you.
16:59 (04:59 PM)
Ah screen staring
18:03 (06:03 PM)
What’s on your mind today?
I wanted to write this earlier, when I was sitting on a bench in the mall, but my father came back out of the store sooner than I expected – because he didn’t buy the SD card (it’s cheaper in the Netherlands) – with his eyes fixed on my phone screen, when he walked towards me. I bought a tripod in the same store. I’m all set for my escape plan :D. Okay, I have all the materials I need, I mean. I still need to re-upload my EP(isode)… It keeps giving me an error message while uploading, because the connection keeps dropping. I thought of uploading it when I’m in the Netherlands, but then it won’t be online in all stores on time. So I need to fix it today. I’ll tell you more about my escape plan and my day in a little bit. I’m going to take my laptop, calculator and other stuff I need to use, to “the main house” (I’m in the guest house now) so that I can make my mathematics test and work on my escape plan. x.
22:22 (10:22 PM)
Make a wish!
I’m going to video record the rest of my update on what I wanted to tell you and go to sleep
I love you
22:45 (10:45 PM)
Oh, fleh. My fleh sister is in the guest house and when I left my aunt’s house, saying “good night”, she said: “Aren’t you staying until twelve?” It’s her 60th birthday tomorrow. I’m heavily sleep deprived, but I don’t want to give these people more gossip ammo. Also, my aunt is nice.
Speaking of birthdays… We should re-celebrate my 21st birthday once I’m in The States. Getting to partying right away would be nice, but I need to catch up on sooo much sleep. A pyjama pool party with a lot of good diverse foods would be nice, though, *major hint*. I think you need some proper sleep, too. I’m going to put on a timer and take a nap now.
23:53 (11:53 PM)
I could barely close my eyes, because my parents came back from bringing my grandmother back to my aunt, and started talking to me and arguing with my sister over a pair of shoes. I’m going to “be at the birthday turn-up” of my aunt for a few minutes and then head back to the guest house. x.
It was really nice that my aunt thanked me for being there at her birthday.
It’s alt + tab, for my fellow sneaky peeps. (Sneakily avoiding uncomfortable conversations.)
They kept walking in on me, in the home office, while I was planning my secret trip and stuff, buying a plane ticket (+ “visum”) and booking a hotel room, while working on my statistics assignment…
The first time I played the piano for an audience, was at the Pianodriedaagse at De Doelen in Rotterdam. The event was called the “drie minuten festival”, where contestants are allowed to perform for a maximum of three minutes, in front of an audience and a jury, at a very popular (classical) concert location.
^ That’s the full first song you’ve only heard a small part of, in the other video.
I played Les Sylphes by Burgmüller and Tarantella by Pieczonka.
Something I’ve not been doing for a long time is fully explaining myself. I used to do it when I was very young, then I developed my “storytelling skills” around puberty, so I slowed down my speaking pace and focused on intonation. Now I’m back at speaking fast with a monotonous voice, since the moment I suddenly had to explain all of my life’s decisions, because my parents think I’m crazy, knowing the person I’m talking to will never understand my words and actions and is on the side of my parents.
That person is going to listen to my words only to judge me (so I used “complex words” on purpose), and will indirectly decide my career options and how the rest of “the community” will treat me. It’s like playing Russian roulette with a bullet in every chamber. Knowing that if you end up there discussing your case, they will never think of the exceptional case where you’re actually innocent. To the shortest questions I have the longest answers, consisting of only exceptions to basic answers. I don’t bother to try to explain it, because the chance someone will understand it is very small. They don’t teach you to understand non-basic concepts in school or on the news. I don’t want to answer any questions, but when I do (I never say: “I don’t want to answer your question,” or “I don’t want to talk to you.”..) I talk very fast and try to summarize it in the least amount of sentences possible.
For once, just now, I decided to explain one of my actions. I was asking my mother and sister if they were wearing “knob earrings” or if they had any needle shaped objects. They gave me their earrings, but they didn’t fit. (“Cliffhanger effect”.) I asked my mother if I could see what telecom provider was showing at the top of her screen. When she and my father’s friend got out of the car, I asked my father to call me on my Surinamese phone number for only a second. Since he didn’t even want to pick up when people from the Netherlands called him and he’s so (unnecessarily) cautious with his spendings, I decided to explain to him why I asked all of these questions. Mid-story I was already regretting still talking, since his “uhuh’s” were interrupting my words, showing that he had zero interest in why I was doing this.
Yesterday, when I was verifying my Lil Fangs YouTube account I’ll use to “proclaim” that I’m not missing, but breaking contact, I needed my Dutch phone number to fill out these verification codes. Of course, I didn’t say that it was for YouTube. I just said “I was doing some things on my Google account”, knowing that he wouldn’t ask questions about what things I was doing. I didn’t know if the SIM was from TeleSur or TeleG either, which is why I checked over what provider my mother was receiving her phone service. From checking it, I figured both companies go over the same provider. (One of the providers is a “dochterbedrijf”. (If you want to know what it means, I guess you’ll have to use a translator. I’m indirectly teaching you a little bit of Dutch. “Dochter” means “daughter” and “bedrijf” means “company”, but I think in English you don’t say “daughter company”, which is why a translator is needed.) I tried opening the SIM-card slot of my phone with my mother’s and sister’s earrings, but I was afraid I would bend or break them if I would use more force to try to open them. I didn’t know if I had my Dutch SIM or my Surinamese SIM in my phone, and wanted to use the internet. For my Dutch SIM, using the internet costs €10 per megabyte… Streaming music with that would cost me a fortune… But yeah, when my father called me, I saw I put my Surinamese SIM back in.
What would you do if you were me, in this situation? I have some serious strategies for and solutions to societal problems. I know I’m the only one who can do it this way. I want to reach and inspire people, but in my home country I’m continuously portrayed as and treated like I’m unconscious and unstable. This is untrue. _______. (7)
The way these people treat me is so _______(8). I don’t know a suitable word or phrase for this, so I’m letting you pick one. Also, I had to find another “fill in the gap question”, because I didn’t want that answer to be answer number 7.
If you’re just tuning in, these gaps are part of project Nosce Te Ipsum, for your self reflection certificate and my research project. From your answers, I’ll “write you a personalized story”, which is Nosce Te Ipsum II. (I’m working on Nosce Te Ipsum I, II and III at the same time. The summary of all versions is basically done. I only have to write the elaborate versions. The summaries are either hand written or thought through, so hands off my computer files, I’m saying for nosy drama seekers (but that’s probably not you, my sweetniss (that’s a Cuddle word)).)
Answer 7 will be praised, because it’s my lucky number and I thank you for putting yourself in my shoes.
I’m so tired of being treated so (8). The only thing these people ask me is “Where is everyone?”, if they catch me by myself. Sometimes, they ask me short questions about what I’m doing, but I know they’re just asking it to start talking to me. Every time I answer a personal question, I end up listening to a monologue. (That often consists of negative feedback, while they don’t know a thing about the things I’m doing.) They keep saying the things I do are not “gezellig”. A word that doesn’t exist in English, but it’s basically an adjective that means “having a good time”. To them, having a good time is talking shit and talking about messages spread by bad propagandists and then laughing as often as possible. They nudge me to say things like “I’m hungry,” “My toe is itching,” “The daughter of the aunt of your aunt’s father’s cat caught a mouse yesterday.” That last one was a slight exaggeration, but it’s really conversation on the level of the group conversations you have when you’re sitting in a circle in Kindergarten. And the far connection is also always the case. Sometimes my mother looks at me and changes the expression on her face, slightly tilting her head to one side, without saying anything, showing a slight smile. I always stare back at her when she starts to do this. I know some “mental advice” will follow. I want to say: “WHAT?” when she does this. You don’t do that to a person if you think he or she is not mentally ill. That “stare battle” invokes so much anger in me, especially because expressing the anger won’t be understood by her, the other people in my environment or the lousy professionals I HAVE TO talk to every week. When I’m talking about writing or making music, they talk about it as if I’m doing it because I can’t handle the mind. As if I need to do that to cope. They consider me a weak-minded person because they have heard me talk about suicide. Their ignorance is so disgusting. The most disgusting thing about it is, that if I would express how I really feel and how I’m really thinking, they would just start a fight and get me locked up, since they have this authority over me and these people like beef. I have an audio recording of my parents raising their voices at each other over some discussion about whose parking space belongs to what person in our street. I wouldn’t even start a conversation about a topic like that. They don’t understand that I’m so quiet because I just don’t give a fuck about their boring conversationg they call “gezellig”.
Actually, I, earlier, wrote about telling you about the things I’ve been doing the last few days, but it will cost so much time… I figured filming myself talking about it would be easier. I need a tripod, because I need to use my phone as a reminder of the many topics I want to cover, and I value good “image” quality. I’ve filmed myself talking, with my phone, when I was in Republiek. I’ll upload it to my channel, too, but I know videos made with the front camera of a phone often aren’t of good quality.
Maybe I’ll buy a tripod here, maybe I’ll buy a tripod in the Netherlands (on Monday). The tripod will also be a good reason to take my suitcase to my grandmother.
Something I don’t want to postpone telling you anymore, is that my entire trip is taken care of!!! That includes my ESTA :D. I’m sooo happyyy!!!!
17:08 (05:08 PM)
The resort we were driving to was deserted. It belonged to one of my uncles. A brother of my grandfather (who had about 12 siblings). When I spoke to him last year, he said that he was going to sell the resort and retire.
About 30 minutes further away, there’s the “Brokopondo Stuwmeer”. A (big) artificial lake, that is used to generate power for the city. There used to be “maroon” villages there, but the government flooded them to make a lake that generates power for the capitol. Last year, we visited one of the “migration villages” in the forest. Today, we were actually going to a similar place, but everyone got ready too slow (and I had to wait to take a shower because one of my aunt’s house workers had to replace a lamp¿). Since that was “too far away”, there was decided to go to the resort to swim etc. Either my uncle sold it or he just abandoned it.
21:09 (09:09 PM)
I made quite some pictures and recorded a few videos today. I’ll upload everything (including the images of when I was in Paris) when I’m back in the Netherlands. There, the internet at home acts up often, but here it’s worse. The EP I keep trying to re-upload, but the connection keeps dropping during the process. I’m going to do that one last time right before I go to sleep, which is after I’ve uploaded this piece of text.
Good night, my Cuddle
[Songs in the “Ciao” playlist on Spotify: Go BoomTrap Dubai Shit]
Haha I just saw my tags get put in alphabetical order, so it turns into a puzzle. What was the “sentence” I made with the tags? (“Cognitive challenge”)
It’s still raining and I don’t want to make my laptop wet and slip (and break it), so I’m still “in the main house”. But I want to upload my music and have some privacy (my father did it again, leaning over next to me to look at my screen), so I’m going to sneak past these guard dogs and hope I won’t slip :D. It’s 09:55 PM now…
17:03 (05:03 PM)
18:14 (06:14 PM)
I want to tell you so much, but every time I’m sitting next to someone and they keep looking at my phone screen. The top of the screen I’m writing on says “LilFangs.com” and I don’t want them to visit that URL (before I have left the country for good).
Hmm I’ll just make a note on my phone and then copy and paste the text. I also still need to make a new YouTube account, by the way. I need a holiday from being with these people, because I have 0 time for myself now. FangTime hehe.
But first, I’ll finish my cup of tea and swim a little. (They comment on me doing everything. I was getting the feeling I was using my phone too much.)
00:23 (12:23 AM) [For those who’ve just tuned in, I consider a new day a new day after I’ve woken up. That’s why the AM is still in this post. #Fangyism]
Fleh, I haven’t been able to finish what I wanted to say today either. Tomorrow, after the rum tasting, I have the afternoon and evening to myself. Then I’ll take care of all this. Luckily I’m done with my statistics test already, though. On Saturday I need to do my mathematics test.
We didn’t go into the forest anymore, by the way, today. Because we needed to rent a van, but it wasn’t available. They’re afraid my aunt’s car will get stolen because it’s relatively luxurious. But now we’re maybe going on Friday.
I’m going to bed.
Good night, my love
21:31 (09:31 PM)
Good evening :]
How are you today?
I haven’t told you about the many things I’ve done yesterday evening yet.
23:21 (11:21 PM)
I won’t get to writing everything down right now, because I’m now re-writing down the answers on my test on different paper, so that I can scan it. I can only do it today because tomorrow we’re going on a trip to the forest and the day after we’re going to a rum tasting (do you say “a” before rum tasting? Since I’m not sure, I would have written down “a rum tasting session”, because I know that is correct, but “session” sounds out of context..). Before Thursday evening, Surinamese time, it has to be handed in.
I’ll write down everything in bullet points now, so that I won’t forget it tomorrow, but first, I need to write down this question that just came to mind: if a blind person would get high on truffles, what would the experience be like?
Another question was: do deaf people read books more often? (Even though subtitles exist…)
I want to reach all of the masses, you see. I wonder if I can find a way to still let someone with a disability experience all aspects of Nosce Te Ipsum… I know I will. I just don’t know how yet.
By the way, the artwork of my EPisode got declined, because I added “Nosce Te Ipsum EP(isode) 1” to it. Had I already told you that? But since my EP will probably be listened to after I’ve left for the United States, I have enough time to edit it. I guess I can’t escape Surinam earlier than I want to.
- “Naaierij” audio
- Yelling about exercising
- Fries instead of fruit and tea
- Tennis force
- “A nap”
- Showering in the dark
- LF on repeat
- Time to write this and normal writing
Good morning <3
How was your night?
I think I’ve slept about an hour in total. My father was watching a movie on his laptop, so the light reflections on the wall kept me awake. Then my skin and eyes started to act up so I was very itchy and after that, my father was snoring so loud I just couldn’t find the concentration to fall asleep. I just decided to listen to music, while attempting to fall asleep again, but wanted to write some and make an audio recording of the noise. I also closed the blinds, that were slightly opened, but that woke my father up a little, so his snoring isn’t as loud anymore. Also, it was raining at night. The sound of that was also very loud. I wanted to type: “But luckily the dogs were quiet this night,” but right then they started barking. Not as loud as when they “notice a threat”, though. The thought of sneakily emigrating kept me awake as well. I saw a very cheap flight I want to claim. But when I leave for it, my mother will still be laying in bed. My father too, maybe. So, I’ll just say I’m going to stay at my grandmother’s house for a while. “And this time, I’ll take more clothes, more entertainment and different pairs of shoes along.”
Today, I’ll change the limit on my bank account and rescind their measure of changing it from a student account to a regular account. I hadn’t been receiving study financing for a couple of months, so they changed my account a few days ago. About three days ago, while I did receive study financing… Now I suddenly have to pay for having a bank account. I’m going to ask them to undo their action and after that, I’ll make the limit on the account higher, because for the first month, staying in the US will be more expensive. Since I’ll have to pay for my flight and my visum and stuff.
I’ll also start working on the strategy for clearing my name, using the publicity I’ll get when I leave. And, even though I really don’t want to, I have to take a look at the statistics test. I need to make an overview of the chapters I need to look at to make the test. Or, now that I’m taking more time to make it, I could just start filling out the answers right away. That would save me some time…
I’m going to try to catch some more z’s. (But first I’ll turn on the music, now that I stopped the audio recording, and Google my flame’s height.) x
I haven’t been able to sleep, but I have changed my decision on where to stay. (What annoys me the most about my father is that he always turns on the light, either to wake me up, or because he’s going to do something for himself, not taking others into consideration. (Yeah, when I haven’t done the dishes (because I was studying until late), he turns on the lights (and rips away my sheets) to wake me up. When I go to the toilet at least two times per night (but actually I need to go way more often…), I slide my feet over the floor to “see” I’m not bumping against anything. Fleh^7. He just turned on the lights again after keeping me awake all night with his snoring. Fucking inconsiderate, as usual.)
A ticket to Washington is half the price of a ticket to Los Angeles. Also, my vanishing is going to be quite a drama. I better hide near President Trump’s house. Damn. The second time I checked, the lowest price for a flight was near €558.
14:03 (02:03 PM)
I’ve fixed my issue by searching the flight via Skyscanner! On the one hand I’m soooooooo happyyy about this!! Especially after my cousin was getting on my nerves just now… Her, my father and I were sitting at the dinner table with our laptops, when she decided to turn on youtube to watch video clips. Her comments, man… I used to laugh about people negatively commenting (“joking”) on anything, just to fit in. I think it’s immoral, if I would be honest. But then I would have killed 80% of all conversations that reach my ears. She was saying things like: “Wow this woman knows no shame. Look at what she’s wearing…” Then my mother joined with her: “Ewww look at that yellow eye shadow! It’s so ugly!” Why? Why not just shut the fuck up if you have nothing to say? Why ridicule someone? For no reason… It’s not funny. During this ranting session, my father got called by my ex boyfriend’s aunt and uncle. I asked him why, and if he still gets in touch with them regularly. He didn’t pick up this time, because calling is more expensive from Surinam, he said, but apparently they regularly call to ask him how I’m doing. I just said “Oh, okay.” In my tone it was hearable I wasn’t enthusiastic about it. My cousin said: “Well, that’s very nice of them.” With a “you should be grateful” undertone. Yes, it’s very nice that they want me to be okay, if that’s what they talk about. But if you really want to know, you can also ask me personally. Our relationship was quite good, when I was still dating my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I would hang out with them when my boyfriend wasn’t around. But all the “Wow Dominique has gone crazy” bullshit was last year. (On my date of departure, it’s exactly a year ago (sort of).) What on earth are my parents telling these people… Do they think I still don’t talk…? My parents are most def still putting shit on my name if they still “ask me how I’m doing” a year later. I’m not dead, so the answer must be “””amazingly great”””. I’M NOT FUCKING INSANE. OH MY GODDDDD. WHY DO THEY KEEP TRUSTING THE WRONG SOURCE??? Is this what it feels like to have paparazzi spreading nonsense stories about you? If you decide to do so, that’s “fine”, but it’s also a very, very good motive for me to stay away from you, because I already know that if I’d see you, you’d treat me as if I’m not perceiving life “correctly”. Which I consider the greatest insult ever. They have never seen me done anything weird, so why do they treat me as if I’m acting weird? That’s why I isolate myself from them. We don’t have anything in common anyway.
Anyway, I’m flying from the Netherlands to Iceland to Washington. Yay :D. I wonder if being Cuddles suddenly will be different in a positive way. It’s going to be very heavy, emotionally, so some cuddling would be nice. I feel sad already, because I know they’ll portray me as a personification of Satan and then still expect me to go back to them. Hell no.
Anyway, I’m going to make a part of my test, until I get hungry, after which I’ll eat some soup and rice with fish and then continue making the test, depending on my answering pace. It’s best to just finish it today, then I don’t have to occupy myself with that anymore. Statistics. xxx
19:29 (07:29 PM)
Good evening, my cuddle
How’s your day?
I swam a bit today, made some pictures of monkies in the trees here, packed, ate and listened to people’s conversations. I do that A LOT, by the way. But I often don’t mention it.
Oof, I was helping with putting the luggage in my aunt’s car, when I got stung by a dozen ants on my feet. I have been having “bad luck” so often lately x_x. I hope I won’t have that when I sneak out again… “Sneak out” sounds very “rebel teenager”-ish, but that’s not me. All these flehs profile me like a problem child, but I just don’t want to be bothered by their shallow nonsense. I don’t want to talk to them, so spending time with them is even worse, to me. I don’t have “the rights” to do what I want, which is not having them in my life. And they say I give them trouble. Fucking forget me, and all your “problems” are solved. Bam. Then we’re both happy. Because I don’t actively talk shit. That’s why I stated that I listened to a lot of conversations. They make so many immoral statements and then laugh about it. I can’t act as if I enjoy the conversation, but when everyone is laughing, I attempt to laugh too, because I don’t want to be a buzzkill. If I were to speak my mind, I would say: “How can you laugh about someone else’s suffering?” Because that’s what ALL of their jokes are about, if you were to summarize them to a “fixed concept”.
I have been translating all aspects and sentiments of life into “fixed concepts”. That’s why my existence feels kind of empty. Other people don’t see the fixed concepts. To them, every experience is new, even though they have seen the same concept a million times. I want to talk to people who oversee the same concepts. I can’t enjoy a conversation that consists of anecdotes I’ve heard a million times before. I always act as if I heard it for the first time, but while they’re telling it, I finish their sentences. They don’t notice it, but when they’re talking to me, they rarely finish a sentence without me as their backing vocal. My voice sounds very monotone when I do, because I don’t want the conversation to take place. The only reason I take part in conversation, is to shut up these fucking annoying psychiatric industry people. But now it’s pointless. I thought the blood test was a one time thing. I’m glad I didn’t take it, because otherwise they would have taken me in, with the cops and everything, right after we would have landed.
So, Tuesday May 22nd, I should fly to Los Angeles. I don’t like “worrying people” (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S FAKE (they want to spend time with me so that they can talk about themselves. They don’t know a thing about me) AND THEY PUT SOOOO MUCH DIRT ON MY NAME. I’M A GOOD, RESPONSIBLE PERSON), but I guess I have to vanish again. Now that I’m thinking of it, I guess that’s my way to get an audience as well… I’m on social media now, and I have this blog I’m maintaining, but no one is reading it… If I would go missing, people would read my story… Then Nosce Te Ipsum would finally “come to life”. Liée! The only downloads of my book are downloads of myself, to see what it looks like… I have 0 people in my life I can directly talk about Nosce Te Ipsum with. I could tell them about it, but they don’t reason on the same level. If they would find it interesting, their conversation wouldn’t be so empty… They talk about things I used to talk about when I was ten. No joke. Then, it was new and interesting to me. Now it’s boring and predictable. I don’t understand why people at least twice my age (and my cousin who’s five years older than me… Omg the many ways in which she has hurt me all my life… And I have LITERALLY NEVER done ANYTHING to her… Fleh) can have these childish conversations and still tell me I don’t know anything and they have all the knowledge and experience in life, so I have to obey them. If they have gone to school and then have had the same job all their life, exploring only Surinam and Europe, what is life experience…? Nosce Te Ipsum is so much greater than that meaningless routine.
So… I have said many times, that I want a new life, without a lot of (bad!!!) publicity. But there’s no other way than to just pack my bags and leave.
If I would have a truly loving family, the process of leaving would go like this:
(Well, okay, actually, the line should have been: “A very special someone wants to do business with me. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Please allow me to *whatever the plan is*.” To which they should have replied: “Yes! I’m so happy for you! *Talks about the contents of the projects, because, as a loving relative, I would have already told you the ins and outs of everything, and this person would have shown genuine interest*”)
But now that they have forbidden me to do business (who the fuck does that!?!!???!!!! More about that is in the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum), I’ll show you a different best case scenario (that actually already isn’t a best case, since I’ll be “alone” , but anyway…):
Me: “Mom, dad, I have decided to pursue my dreams in the United States. I want to settle there, and from there see the rest of the world, while I focus on developing my talents and doing business, getting to know people (my Cuddles…) all across the globe.” (I’m so used to delivering entire statements… I know there are families where “the youngsters” just say: “Ay, I’m leaving,” and no drama follows.)
“How nice! I love that you’re making your own decisions. When I was your age, I did the same thing. People say it’s “dangerous”, but I’m glad you know that’s just a myth, too. If you need any assistance with your business activities, let me know. We could even fuse our businesses. What state do you want to move to? Of course I’m buying your house. Or do you prefer an apartment? And what car would you like to drive? Maybe we could celebrate the holidays in one of the other countries you want to visit.”
“Aw, dad, that’s so nice of you! Your independent thinking has inspired me to do the same thing. I was thinking, since you’re specialized in IT, you could maybe become part of the holding I want to start… One of the businesses is focused on IT infrastructure, webspace, artificial intelligence and many more technology related things. I already wanted to ask you this, but I thought you wouldn’t want to do it, because you’re older, and I would be the only one with veto rights in the organization… I want to move to Los Angeles. I’d like to move to a quiet neighborhood. The type of house doesn’t really matter to me. I’ve always wanted to drive a matte dark grey Audi RS7… But I don’t want to be a financial burden… It would be nice celebrating Christmas in Egypt, though.”
“I know you want veto rights because you’re the only one overseeing the vision of your business… Etc. Etc. Etc.”
That’s how the conversation would go, in the most ideal situation. I know I wouldn’t be a financial burden. Especially now that my father, next to his many bitcoin generating computers and company tax fraud, wants to get involved in real estate and wants to start a separate N.V. here in Surinam. I’m going to search the translation of N.V. really quick…. It’s an LLC. He wants to start it here, probably it’s for the real estate company, but then he, as usual, doesn’t want the Dutch Tax Agency to know that he’s earning here. That’s why he wants to found the LLC. (“Limited Liability Company”… I think my audience would know what LLC means, right…? (Especially if you’ve just seen me look it up.)) They’ve already been looking at many pieces of ground here. I haven’t gone with. It feels like an insult, since they let me financially bleed to death for so long.
They wouldn’t even let me do business with my “ex-professor” and every time I go outside, they say nonsense like: “Look out for rapists. I hope there won’t be any suicide bombers blah blah. People are crazy blah blah.” They are crazy for indoctrinating me with fear since I was a little kid. Also, they would want to make one of these: “What time will you be home? Where are you going? Who will you be meeting up with?” “agreements” I don’t want to make. Any answer I’ll give will be wrong. For 21 years that has been the case, so I don’t see that change suddenly. Especially when I say: “And my mind is 100% made up, when it comes to never seeing you again.” They thought “I was being crazy” when I broke contact with them for two months. It was a very, very conscious. I only got back in touch with them, because that was my only way to get out of the hospital.
I’m going to sleep now. It’s 00:34 (12:34 AM). Tomorrow, I’ll give this website a big update, “while I study for my test”. I need to hand in a statistics test before Thursday…
Good night, sweetie
– xxx –
13:48 (01:48 PM)
I just had lunch at a “warung” (if I’m correct)? I made a picture of the street dogs who were chilling there. Revenge of The Nerds (The became the due to some autocorrect measure, but I want it to be The). My sister and… My cousin…? Are buying batminton rackets now. My uncle, his friend and I are waiting in the car. I talk about flehs a lot, but I think my uncle and aunt, whose house we’re staying at, are really chill. They don’t randomly insult you and then laugh about it. Also, I really like their lifestyle.
15:12 (03:12 PM)
We just arrived at my aunt’s forest house at Republiek. I made some pictures of the environment. Later today I’ll swim, go to a casino and go to a birthday party. (I haven’t been at a birthday party in soo long… I feel kind of uncomfortable about it. I’m not that good at discussing things that don’t interest me anymore.)
Soo my sister and cousin (??) are playing batminton and my uncle and his friend are talking outside together with the security guy (?). I don’t feel like socializing, but I don’t want to sit inside either… Man, some weed would have been great right now… Really. There’s this bench next to the lake, that just screams “smoke on me”.
So, I’ll just fill up a glass and get ready to swim, was what I wanted to type, when, suddenly the rest of the squad arrived. I ate the rest of my telo (fried cassave with fish (and kousenband, but that’s not common (in the Netherlands))) and talked a little bit.
I want to swim (and make pictures of my reflection in the very dark shaded water).
19:44 (07:44 PM)
We’re on our way to the birthday party now. I’m riding shotgun in my aunt’s car. My aunt is still at Republiek, though. I heard she’s going night swimming. I enjoyed swimming a lot. I was quite scared in the beginning, though, to be attacked by a water snake or a piranha or something. One of the often told anecdotes. The water is so dark you can’t see your own navel. You’ll see it on the pictures. It’s so dark because of the leaves, etc. The conversation was quite nice too. I was with my uncle’s friend and later my father’s friend, who’s also really nice, and my uncle joined.
After swimming, I joined my father’s friend, in search of a “plantage” monument that had his last name on it. I took my camera along. We didn’t find it, unfortunately. I did take some pictures of the environment.
After we came back, I made my bed and took a nap, for about 20 minutes. Well, I said I was going to take a nap, because I slept for about two hours the night before, just like the night before that. But I couldn’t fall asleep. So I “laked” in a few minutes, then I was able to sleep. I slept for only a few minutes, when the timer on my phone went off. I woke up so tired. I laid in bed from 18:35 until 18:55. Then I put another timer on for five minutes, because my parents told me they wanted to leave around seven. My mother opened the door right after the timer went off. She was going to take a shower and stuff, so I continued napping. After that I got dressed and put some make-up on. Now, we’re still on our way to the party. I’m going to take a little nap again.
[Bad, bad news – Leon Bridges (?)]
I had to find a way to proclaim that we are supposed to live a different life. Then, a magic sound gave me an epiphany. I’m kind of insecure about my voice, you see. But then I heard…
My favorite artist. His topics are so diverse. Politics, spitituality…
How can I answer you openly…?
So what I just did is sort of not allowed, right? Can we talk about this? I’m not in it for the money anyway. Tell me what you think. Tell me who you’re thinking of. Should someone carry a secret about love, just to survive the system?
I’m so happy to hear that. I’ve been waiting for that for a long time, and I think you too. Hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish all of our goals. I want us to live in true comfort.
Aw, B, you’re so sweet. I miss you. It’s too bad they don’t allow us to be together. They have drawn their conclusions only based on what these flehs have said. They don’t even know the other side of the story.
Exactly! And then there’s the fact that people depend on our intelligence, but they take us for granted. If we, one day, all would quit, they wouldn’t know what to do. We’re the true uncontested primaries.
Aw, you’re always able to finish my sentences. I need to wrap this up now. It’s almost eleven and I still haven’t had dinner. Hmm… I still need to submit the EP before tomorrow… What to do…
Dinner first. Then I’ll be able to focus better, of course. Thank you for thinking along. I didn’t make this for the critics. I made it for those who are creatively intelligent. I need these cuddles, man. Hopefully this strategy works…
What time are we leaving?
Where are we going?
I don’t care. As long as I’m with you.
They don’t want me to clear my name. They like to see me suffer. Anything for good gossip. They have no other topic. But I’m getting tougher.
You see, I thought, in a friendship, it was a given
To not put dirt on someone’s name
But I learnt they faked it
I’m trapped in a snake pit
I hate this
They never asked me
But in case you wonder
If I could go missing again
Their presence makes me sick
I have nowhere else to go
But I ask you
What time are we leaving?
Where are we going?
I don’t care. As long as I’m with you.
I want to be left alone
Fuck their fake worry
Let me clear my name
I’m in a hurry
I’m trapped because I don’t accept this
They ask why panic
I want justice for myself
I’m not a god damn schizophrenic
Wat ben ik?
They only talk shit
Dat ken ik
Eat all my food spice
Take me for granted
I could have been laying on ice
It’s like they planned it
They know I’m suicidal
They keep pushing me
Fuck their opinion
Fuck their pills
They say I’m doing better
Because they believe I’m taking it
I was faking it
I’m not crazy
So why antipsychotics?
I had to go through all that
Because I kept silent
Why should I talk back
If you keep insulting me
No one was hearing me
They tell me to think twice
While they’re going nowhere with their life
They don’t even know me
So don’t dare to give me advice
I’ve been alone for so long
I refuse my fate to be decided by people who lack the intelligence to understand me.
My name is Daniëlle, not Dominique.
They don’t want me to be with you
They want me to stay with them
I’d rather get shot in the head
If I have to stay with them, I’m better off dead.
Free Lil Fangs
We can alter the system
17:25 (05:25 PM)
Hi Cuddleeee <3
I’ve recorded the audio for the intro of EPisode 1 not so long ago. I started on track 2 as well. But my voice… The airconditioning has given me a cold… I thought of just not recording the singing and rapping part, but then I would be back at depending on written text, and people don’t like reading, so I have to it this way… I need my real life :[. I don’t want to do this fleh shit anymore.
19:30 (07:30 PM)
Oh shit… Tomorrow we leave at 11 AM and there’s no service there…
Did I just see you take off your socks?
Damn… Those feet…
00:12 – 00:30 piano solo
Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?
It must be hot because of you
I’m so happy you’re hearing me
I want to talk about the attraction between us
Something that should be explored more
One day, I leave my life behind and spend all eternity with those I’m truly attracted to, but have never met before
I know you’re carrying quite a big secret
You already know everything about me
You can read my eyes, without directly looking at them
01:17 – 01:20 chords
01:23 – 01:26 silence
01:27 – 02:08 Fur Fangs
You also know I made these beats myself
In a few days
My first production ever
You know I’m uploading these songs for release on Saturday morning, because I’ll be at my aunt’s forest house until Monday, and I want to alter my fate as soon as possible.
If I release them after Monday, I’ll have to wait longer to see you.
I truly need your arms around me
For my own survival
Maybe yours too
It should be you and me
No attention for flehs, but I need to get this off my chest
Please don’t focus on sound quality
I had to find a way to get these words to you
I’m not trying to comform myself to the standard of someone living in the spotlight
It’s about the message
For me to experience true freedom, you need to hear my message
00:18 – 00:20 (silence)
00:25 – 00:35 (zonder zoemend geluid)
You must not love your occupation
But you’ll adore my alternative
00:35 – 01:03 full beat
Be my subject
Be my subject
Be my subject
Be my subject
We’ll find your true purpose
You’ll say that you heard this
Be my subject
Be my subject
Be my subject
Life is perfect*
01:03 twee instrumenten over
’bout less in time stating
While I’m ice skating
You know that we’re dating
I want to be mating
*New government, no debating
*Dutch and Latin you’re translating
No more status updating
We will be dominating
They will be suffocating
I am accelerating
Earth’s not rotating
Hearts are pulsating
I am not complicating
Politicians are frustrating
Each other humiliating
“01:32 een instrument over”
Make chaos, then ordinating
I think it’s nauseating
What is it, they’re creating?
Corruptcy they’re dictating
They say it’s amazing
Profiting off hating
Your eyes will be opened
New fate you’re awating
01:41 – 02:09 solo
02:10 – 02:35
For more information about this
Please visit docis.international
D.O.C.I.S. dot international
Open your browser
Not dot com
02:36 semi-end (overgangszin)
Now, let’s focus on us two
Good… Moment of the day to write something? I’ve just “finished” all instrumental versions of all 5 tracks of Nosce t’ipsum EP(isode) 1: Revenge of the Nerds. I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish it before I stay in the jungle with my family for the weekend, but it seems like I’ll still succeed… This is really funny because the last time I “seriously” used Reason, before after Paris, I was six years old. Then, I was able to make entire songs, without an external keyboard.
This time, I “had to get to know the software again”. Luckily that didn’t take that long. In the first songs, the rhythms I couldn’t determine, so the loops were kind of “patched up”. It doesn’t sound exactly like I want to, but it’s enough to assist me in getting my message across. The second to last song has a rhythm I could determine, which is funny, because I made it up and created it in less than 30 minutes. I’m kind of proud of myself. But I don’t know if this will get me where I want to be. That’s why I don’t feel fully satisfied by all of my accomplishments. The only way to find out if this will help me reach my goal, is by making it public. I hope this won’t result in only “my environment” (the flehs) finding out and them making my situation the absolute worst. The best case scenario is a rescue mission by my Cuddles, openly confirming “our identity”.
I’m sleep deprived. I’m just sitting here in the living room because I don’t want to walk past these super agressive guard dogs, on the way to the guest house. By the way, my legs are extremely smooth now :D. I got them waxed today (just like my face). I also had a massage (so my body is next level oliy haha). Too bad I can’t upload any pictures. I need leg cuddles now :[[. And cishes.
I’m going to scroll down my social media timelines, while finishing my “markoesa stroop”.
Good night (or good morning, if you’d see this in “European time”. Right now it’s 02:07 (AM) in Surinam. In the Netherlands it’s 07:07 (AM).)
By the way, it’s quite messed up that the updates I had as drafts just got deleted. All of that typing for nothing x__x.
17:44 (05:44 PM)
I’m so uncomfortable being around people “having a conversation” discussing other people… How can people find this interesting? I reallyyyy don’t get it. Especially if you don’t know the person.
Since my muscles got fucked up after taking antipsychotics, it’s hard for me to show enthusiasm in my eyes. I can’t act as if I care anymore. I sound very stoic when I try. But these people think I’m crazy, so they fall for my weak attempt. Only those who can read my eyes know I detest the words I say. The only reason I don’t speak my mind, is because I want to end the relationship for good and never see them again, after there’s a fight because I told them my true opinion, “they hate fake people” (I’m just staying nice… It should be respected that I lower my level of intellect for them). They say the most cold shit ever when they’re fighting, and then act as if nothing happend the next day. If you say things like “you’re not worthy of my attention”, how on Earth can you then, afterwards, again, ask me to lend you things? I don’t want their fleh attention and I sure as hell don’t want to give them mine. After this “fight”, I’d just want to go to my own house and never see or hear them again (after the court case?). I don’t fight the people I truly love and if you feel like fighting, go fight your Netflix account. Leave me alone. Fucking low-life. I’d argue with you once and then never lay eyes on you again. The emotional battle when someone says cold hearted things to me and I don’t want to hurt people, but at the same time my disappointment in the person making satanistic statements, making me feel bad, makes me want to verbally inflict the pain I feel on them. They’d know what it would feel like when you feel the urge to die. But I don’t want to do that to anyone. I’ve never done that and, even though I know, when I’ll finally leave, there will be another backstabbing, I never will. I pity them.
It fucking happend again. I type half a book, then my text doesn’t get saved. Fleh. I wrote a lot about being in Surinam and being discovered as an artist.
Oh and that I made a Twitter account: @_lilfangs. I hadn’t mentioned it here yet, but I made it when I was in Paris.
Today, I hope I’ll be able to finish a few instrumental versions of a few of my jams. I’m going to shower and eat now, while hoping I don’t get eaten by these guard dogs here, when I walk from my aunt’s guest house to her house.
Hmm… I said “yes” to going to this jazz event tonight, and I’m also going along grocery shopping… I hope I’ll have enough time for my music today…
17:28 (05:28 PM)
I won’t get to making music today :[. I’m extremely tired and I’m still going to this jazz event… I hope I’ll get some inspiration from it. Now I’m laying in my uncle’s chair. I haven’t shaved my legs in 6 months. I share the most random and most intimate details of my life with you haha. Cuddle me :[. It’s funny how I lay in front of the TV, but I don’t watch TV. All plots, whether it’s “reality” (like the news or something) or fiction, it’s all about murder and distrust and stuff. The masses want to be “cool” like the “human concepts” shown on tv (I consciously don’t say “people”), but the image they’re shown is inaccurate. That’s how people end up being so ignorant.
Haha okay I tried to upload this picture “of my legs in front of the tv”, but even that this internet connection can’t handle. Or maybe my phone just got overheated because of my legs *smooth face emoji*. That was a joke.
00:03 (12:03 AM)
I just came back from the jazz event. I really enjoyed it. I’ve gained some extra inspiration for my EP(isode). [I finally decided on what it’s going to be.] I try so hard to not be bothered by flehs, but man… Nah I’m not going to bother you with this now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, about other things. I made a picture of myself when I was there, by the way. I’ll show you later.
Good night, my love
… I just rushed the end of my message because my mother said: “Huh? I thought you were tired?” I am tired as fuck, but I want to stick to my daily updates. I didn’t tell her that, because I don’t want her to see my fucking blog. I just said “Oh yes” and continued getting ready for bed. Ay… I need to stop doing this sheep slavy shit. But when I start this discussion about their stupidity and ignorance, I don’t want to have to see them ever again. I need some cash…
22:08 (10:08 PM)
Good evening, my cuddle
How was your day?
I’m standing in the bathroom, because I have a better internet connection here. I’m downloading an voice changer app on my phone. The daily updates of Saturday and Friday are “still being uploaded”… It’s because of the bad wifi connection… There were a few foto’s in them. I think that’s the reason it’s taking so long. So my coming mobile updates will be solely textual. I do want to show you some pictures, though, so I’ll find a way to still get them online somehow.
Today, I’ve been busy working on Nosce t’ipsum’s first episode’s “audio layout”. I’ve finished the audio crib sheets of three out of seven tracks. Tomorrow I’ll finish the instrumental version of those three tracks. I really like them already, even though in the crib sheets the rhythms don’t match up yet. I thought of uploading them, too, but the internet connection here isn’t good enough.
I’m extremely tired, so I’m going to sleep now. I can barely keep my eyes open (but I had that at 5 o’clock already……).
Good night, my sweetheart