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- xxx -

The D.O.C.I.S. Agenda

Yay

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D.O.C.I.S.’s Transition Phases [Saturday, August 3, 2019]

My fellow Fangyists, ♥

Today’s Diary Theme

Today’s diary post is focused on further enlightning you about the Determined Observant Colloquial Intelligent Stratagem. Many texts of mine have been devoted to this, but they all won’t be as open-hearted and clear as this one.

At the end of today, we all know:

  • All Stratagem related terms that are Fangyist (including the meaning of the word Cishes in Cuddle [now that it’s pride week and I recently learnt that there is another meaning for the word, plus I have some things else about that to share])
  • What phases the Stratagem has
  • The current state of the Stratagem (and what the “starting point” is)
  • When the first phase will be finished

Fangyist Terms

Cuddle – In Fangyism, “Cuddle” has two additional meanings (of course it’s also a synonym of “hug”)

  1. A Fangyist dialect developed to discuss secret information publicly (like Surinamese people speaking Sranang Tongo when Dutch people are around).
  2. A nickname for the way Lil Fangs calls her – regardless of race, age, sex, level of intelligence et cetera – supporters she adores.

(The) D.O.C.I.S. – The development strategy of the global reform I intend to accomplish (currently as a sole proprietor), shaped according to the Fangyist philosophy.

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club – An international book club (currently in development), focused on using themes from books to discuss real-life practical change.

The D.O.C.I.S. Store – A Lil Fangs owned store that mainly sells books. The purpose of this store is to enlighten D.O.C.I.S. International its audience and build up finance for future operations.

The Fangs – in Fangyism, this has two meanings:

  1. The online magazine used to spread messages of members of D.O.C.I.S. International. (thefangs.nl)
  2. A nickname of Lil Fangs that soothes her heart.

Fangyism – A Fangs-developed ideology as well as a form of Fangs-developed science, oriented on the belief that the current life of suffering will transition into eternal happiness in the same life, sparked by the inevitable Fangyist reform of society, changing everything we know into something better according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Flooding the Netherlands – The reminder of the inevitable risk of the time we live in, for the Netherlands lie below sea level and pole ice keeps melting, which D.O.C.I.S. International will use as a business opportunity to create infinite jobs according to the Fangyist philosophy.

Graeynissis – The 10% most intelligent people in the world (active in a broad range of fields) The Fangs wishes to develop and guide the Fangyist revolution with. (This definition is better but doesn’t replace Fangs’s Dictionary “Graeyniss”. The word is inspired by grey suits.)

Lil Fangs – A satirical name under which Dominique Daniëlle Elia will spark an international revolution.

Propaganda – Mass communication intended to induce action. A medium which, according to the Fangyist philosophy, may only be used to do something that is good for the world v

(Transition) Phases – The stages D.O.C.I.S. International will go through on the way of accomplishing the

Schizophrenia – [This definition questions/opposes the DSM.] A non-realistic (for the experience reality is always subjective) term The Fangs has been stigmatized with. Though this is heartbreaking (to her), strategically, it has allowed for a way to destroy the current system from the inside out, questioning the authority of the psychiatric industry in the Netherlands, followed by questioning the authority of the government in general. With the labeled stigma and the consequences thereof, they have obstructed the endeavors of The Fangs.

Meoww I’m going to eat some and then later continue.

Updated 13:50 (01:50 PM) [GMT +2]

Egmond-Binnen, Netherlands 

~~~

I ate lunch and then played Monopoly. This game is good for my heart lol. I’m a natural monopolist meow I love this type of decision making.

Start yays

Trade yays

Those damn hotels x_x. I finished second place out of 4. My sister’s boyfriend won haha.

Avec my sister and her two of her friends. I didn’t know that this picture was taken haha. After looking at my statistics I let go of my phone :x.

Just like here haha. But bun-nyays :]

Cishe

Cishe, pronounced as kiss-yuh, of which the plural is Cishes, means kiss in Cuddle. When I recently saw an episode of South Park I found out that cis, plural cishes, means “someone who is not transgender”, in regular English. Later checking out other tweets with the #Cishes hashtag I often used on Twitter, I saw that the word is used in that context quite regularly.

When I say Cishe or Cishes, I always mean “kiss” or “kisses” and never “someone who is not transgender”. Though my voice is low, I’m crazy hairy and show manly traits, I am not transgender. People used to mistake me for a dude when I was young. My hair was short, in twists, my shoes were big, my voice was low and my clothing style was far from feminine. But I was born a female and will always stay like this.

At some point in my youth, before puberty, I’ve had doubts about my gender identity because I have quite some masculine traits and I was called “young man” so often. But I wouldn’t want to change my gender ever. I’m just less feminine than regular females. It’s just part of my uniqueness. I like to be a female around males because it makes me feel safe and cuddly. Around females I sometimes still feel like a dude because I, for example, don’t know how to apply eye shadow and I often lift heavy things and pick things from the highest shelves and stuff… But that too I find yay because then they feel cuddly which is also yay, get it? 😀

I always refer to myself as “female”, because I want to say “woman”, but from the life I live, I feel like a little girl. x_x Mentally, I feel too grown up to say “girl”, but my dependency makes me feel like it’s not right to say “woman”.

Furthermore, I have nothing against anything LGBTQ related. I find it very important that people can be themselves, free from discrimination. Now seems like the time to develop a stronger bond between all of the different communities the world knows, instead of putting more emphasis on differences. (Therefore the word “cis” sounds a bit like “niggers” to me.)

Though that was not that important for D.O.C.I.S. International, I still want you to know all about the person you’re endorsing (if you will). 🙂

D.O.C.I.S. Transition Phases

In “Kicking Back to kick off kicking off”, I said that I have published so many things already that it’s not easy to create oversight for us, so I have to define a starting point. And then I was not able to state a starting point ahahahah.

But last night, I was finally able to define starting points and phases. Here they are:

  • The center of chaos
  • Getting an international discussion going
  • Developing prototypes
  • Implementing The Fangyist System

I’m going to play cards now. I’ll be back later. Please click on the red bell in the corner of this screen to turn on push notifications. 🙂

Updated 18:51 (06:51 PM) [GMT +2] 

~~~

The Center of Chaos

Currently, D.O.C.I.S. is in the center of chaos. As in the Stratagem is in chaos – everything is half-started – and the world is in (media-induced) chaos. (The title is also inspired by the first chapter of Propaganda by Edward Bernays. (One of my favorite books. 🙂 ))

My blog has so many posts that it’s not at all clear what the purpose of it is, the (new version of the) D.O.C.I.S. International website is still not finished, The Fangs is incomplete, I’m not on Wikipedia (yet) and LinkedIn, I’m going back to school, people think that I want to scam them because I call myself “propagandist”, I often make very provocative statements but don’t further explain them, et cetera. It all doesn’t seem as revolutionary as it is, but it is done consciously. It wasn’t meant to pile up that much, the contents of the starting state, for it makes all of this seem chaotic, but because the long-term Stratagem is still the same, it will make it a lot more powerful in the end. So many controversial things have happened here and this site itself is already very controversial. That is done consciously, for the second state of the Stratagem.

Getting an International Discussion Going

There is enough provocative material to talk about, here. 🙂 All topics that the Stratagem touches on, regarding my fellow Fangyists, are mentioned on LilFangs.com in practice.

To create more international awareness and kickstart the process of doing international research and putting that into practice, I first wrote the (first book of the) Nosce Te Ipsum series, but that didn’t spark the conversation. I’m sure that the book club will do this. Plus I’ll give us fun assignments yay. 😀

Phase 1

When is the transition from the first state to the second completed? What does the completed version of the second state look like?

State 2 is completed when I’m not doing all of this all by myself anymore. It’s completed when D.O.C.I.S. International is not a sole proprietorship anymore and most of my current tasks are outsourced to other people within the organization. We’ll deliver historic quality together. 🙂

I hope that is clear now. If you have any questions, please let me know by posting a comment. 🙂

Winning @ playing the game spades 7 & shout out Catthierry 😸 ♥

Dinner was the yays

Me working on this post after dinner

We just went for ice cream

Prettyay 😀

Something that was exceptionally yay was that my father just allowed me to drive his car. 🙂 It was my first time driving an SUV. It was yay. I’m very happy that I received this trust. Tomorrow I may drive again yays. 🙂

We’ll be playing some more games and after that I’m going to sleep. Good night 😘 ♥

Updated 22:57 (10:57 PM) [GMT +2]

xxx

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Getting at it [Friday, August 2, 2019]

Good morning 🙂 ♥

How was your night? & What will you be doing today?

I wonder if you also have some layers of honesty you were keeping to yourself (which is not lying but simply avoiding unnecessary crises). Because I’d love to learn from your experience. Meow I’ve completely lost my straightforwardness. Every time I want to speak my mind, the idea of what type of responses I’ll get makes me stay silent. Maybe I should just keep the peace until I’m in Antwerp (not the US because that is currently too expensive for me, plus I have D.O.C.I.S. plans for Europe as well)… Me speaking up is like playing fence against 100 people by yourself.

Taking pictures yesterday was cool. Unfortunately it was cloudy, but I still have some cool pictures. Most pics are taken with my Olympus camera, but I also have ones taken with my phone:

Triangleee which means power and male energy

Yays

I’m going to get ready for the webminar now. By my fear of not expecting to learn anything, I debunked yesterday, I mean that I’m expecting to hear the basics of SEO and social media marketing and other things I’m trying to make a statement with from the consciously mediocre way I use them. Things that are not new to me. I expect it to be a good training for sure – especially because I need to show the type of enthusiasm he shows when I speak so just for that already I’ll gain something from it. And from that special video I saw yesterday, I think I’ll still learn something completely new yays. 🙂

Time to get at it: moving forward.

See you later 🙂 xxx

Updated 10:19 (AM) [GMT +2]

~~~

I’m back. 🙂 Here to share the indirect lessons I’ve learnt and things I realized. It was indeed not what I expected. When I think of e-commerce, I think of setting up a stand-alone webshop. But this was basically about – indeed a lot more popular as we all know from online shopping – reselling via already-existent large-scale webshop platforms, such as Amazon and Ebay, but this was focused on Bol, for the Dutch market. Not selling on your own web domain but on what is already popular.

If you want to earn a lot fast, by hardly doing anything, by reselling on online platforms now that they’re still here, then the course is something for you.

For D.O.C.I.S. International, this made me realize what is more important than setting up that online bookstore:

  • Define supply and demand within D.O.C.I.S. International. Online platforms like the ones previously mentioned are hyped now, but I believe in the end of the overratedness of the public web, so it’s important to position yourself in a monopolist position where you gain from the internet but do not depend on it. I want to be what’s after Amazon and Bol and stuff. I’ve mentioned this before, but lost focus on this.
  • Seek a way to make my products lower priced and easier to sell. I still want to sell exclusive goods, but any purchase shouldn’t seem like a wrong investment.
  • I’ve also written down things like that I should do more trendwatching and outsource all stock management et cetera. But I don’t want to do any of that… D.O.C.I.S. International is a classic business.

The issue I described with the value of money in respect to available resources world wide in stock trading, is the same with buying things for five dollar cents and reselling them for thirty euros. Only authenticity creates real value. That’s why I developed this alternative method to calculate the value of money, which is still in development. I can’t wait until I get financial mathematics and philosophy (second semester). 🙂

Today I’ll work on my website texts. And I’m going to call the property owners of student houses I have interest in, to ask if I could visit them (and perhaps rent one right away). Ah I can’t wait to be recording videos from my own apartment and be happy in them. 🙂

Oh on my last YouTube video: I mentioned that I wanted to get intoxicated, but I didn’t do any of that. It’s just how all of this nonsense people don’t understand makes me feel.

I’m putting my faith and fate back into the (reform of) the academic system, hoping I could still start D.O.C.I.S. International off as a research publishing business. For which I’ll also have to change the SBI codes of my business to what I wanted them to be from the start anyway.

Later more about the Dutch climate related tweets (and plenty blog posts) I posted. 🙂

dykes system

The Netherlands

Updated 14:53 (02:53 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

International influence on an economic, social and legal level, starting with influencing what type of research is done and propagated through my organization, I can better initiate by also discussing my own works in my book club. It feels self-centered to ask that type of attention, but it’s great to give a direction and have some very alternative fun. 🙂 Plus selling exclusive members-only (because of stockpile related complications limited edition meow I need my own printing press) hardcovers yay. 😀

Updated 15:03 (03:03 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Meoow this would be the absolute yays 😻

If I’d be a millionaire tomorrow, I’d still attend university to climb up the academic ladder. With that million I could invest in so much societal change, buy land and buy that printing press (plus a stockroom for it and the plenty of books I’ll distribute world-wide). Chances of winning are heightened, but still not high. Still it would be so amazing omggg. I’d make that money multiply and build a stable and healthy (financial) future.

Anyway meow I’ve just gone for some tea with my mother who is 100% behind me on moving to Antwerp yay. 🙂 ♥ (Though I would rather not have her give up a relatively large percentage of her income to me. It’s better to save that for her own future. If there’s any financial support coming from the side of my parents then that should be from their shared account or my father’s account. If they’d ever split up she should have enough savings just in case. What my mother gives me is 10% of her income. That same amount would be not even 2% of my father’s income, so I’m going to – save my heart the pain please God – ask him (used to the rejection of things like this) to let him pay this instead of my mother. If they’ll really do this to begin with. I say “my parents” far too often.)

I’ll be napping now and afterwards elaborate on my theory of why it’s better to flood the Netherlands than spend 100 billion euros on the “klimaatakkoord” to reduce Dutch CO2 emission. (I’ll be writing exclusive essays on this and include them as discussable topics for my book club. 🙂 )

Updated 16:59 (04:59 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

These two holes are the Netherlands.

My creation resembles the dykes system, where polders and uiterwaarden, which should have been uninhabitable because they were originally constructed as floodable land to protect the cities and villages (in case they were not built on mounds), now, due to overpopulation, have cities and villages on them while that land is not protected against the water enough to evacuate its citizens to higher land in time.

dykes system

The Netherlands scenario 1

When a dyke breaks, the water actually gets sucked in – for if you example put water on a plate, the entire plate becomes covered with water if the surface is equally low. And all Wadden Islands, North Holland, South Holland, Flevoland and Zeeland lie below sea level. The dykes protect the water from coming in, but in that same situatiation it will prevent it from flowing out.

The scenario we all – even I – don’t want to take place

If this country were hit by a sudden tsunami-like wave, the effect would speed up so fast that the polders and uiterwaarden would be filled-up within no time and the “mainland” will be flooding next, like a bathtub being filled without a plug to ever let the water escape, with other countries in danger as well. (Just a bit of water damage for them though. Nothing that serious…)

With the klimaatakkoord the government is trying to slow down the high pace on which pole ice is melting, by reducing CO2 emission. They want to spend over 100 billion Euros on stalling this country from flooding, and use their “strategy” (improving isolation from the ugly houses in this country that will still risk falling apart over time, and using more electricity instead natural resources (which the electricity net can’t even handle)) as an export product for other countries – which don’t have the same natural danger incentive to think of preventing already initiated climate change – as a way to earn it back. (Plus how would those other countries earn back the for them then over 100 billion euros if they’re not using the measure their countries can beter develop than the Netherlands themselves anyway? The Dutch left is psychotic.)

The Dutch government wants to waste its time implementing obsolete technology in old houses. Other countries are far ahead of the Netherlands when it comes to education, technology, architecture, geography and even having a sense of reality. Dutch pride is obsolete. The best way to let them (or “us” since I’m Dutch damn ugh x_x ) go with honor – and THAT is the real “thinking ahead for future generations” – is by causing the flood and preparing the measures for it, to get it over with and not leave the future generation (which is me lol I’m not in power yet meowww ) stuck with the consequences of the bad policies of this government.

The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club will spend plenty of time discussing things like this, influencing better research on this et cetera. I’m working on it yays. 🙂

This is how I created “the Netherlands” and thanks to my cousin for resembling the storm

And the Dutch left being psychotic is something serious. They also believe that they should invest in the military because they believe that Russia can attack at any second (and that that is the reason for that air alarm on the first of the month). Exactly only that dumb discriminatory fear is the only reason Russia would ever attack the Netherlands. The way they fear people from other countries just because they’re from other countries is psychotic. The way they state things like that shouldn’t be accepted.

Updated 21:03 (09:03 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Oh haha meow I’ve forgotten to state the most important argument!!!

They want to prevent the Earth from getting hotter. With the klimaatakkoord and energieakkoord they prevent the earth from heating only 0,007 °C (shout out dr. Baudet). A bigger problem is the problems that are already here with the current heat-level of the globe. Flooding the Netherlands would deliver a contribution to the reduction of global warming that will be incomparable to other countries. So much for Dutch pride.

Updated 22:13 (10:13 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Oh meow I have bad news that I find hard to share… Jacques is not with us anymore. 🙁 He was caught by a classic wood and iron “touch the cheese (but bread with peanut butter in this case) and be trapped” mouse trap this morning. Out of respect for him and for our stomachs, there are no pictures of this tragic happening. Meow I genuinely feel a little sad about this. 🙁

Updated 23:20 (11:20 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

The Border by Electric Wire Hustle has been stuck in my head for quite some time (it’s what replaced “ai ai Olga”). Felt like sharing it. 🙂

I’ll be drafting my further approach method (never expected to go this long without anticipation so I need to restrategize and somehow suddenly make you want to anticipate). There are so many things I want to do, but I can only focus on one thing at a time and simultaneously I’m trying to incite my international audience to sign up for my book club when it’s here, so I have to be strategic propagation and operations wise. There will be a €0 strategy for my current financial situation and a strategy just in case I become a millionaire tomorrow evening winning the lottery hahaha. This I’ll be doing for an hour or so. My nap from earlier has made me a bit energetic.

But here I’m calling it a day already, also thinking of what theme to use tomorrow. I have so many “doing something for D.O.C.I.S. International” posts, but I still haven’t created the international community I intend to create. That’s the most important thing I’m working towards.

My next post will be something yay.

Good night ♥

Updated 00:51 (12:51 AM) [GMT +2]

– xxx –

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August :| [Thursday, August 1, 2019]

Heysss ♥

Woaaaah 😮

This is such a trippy sight! I can’t believe that it’s August already. It feels like 2019 has barely started and meanwhile it’s coming to an end.

August is, internationally, ~the~ month of taking breaks. But D.O.C.I.S. won’t be participating in that for the year is coming to an end and I’m still not closer to the accomplishment of my goals than in 2017.

That is why I’m stating some “before September 24th” objectives:

  1. Finish the online presentation of D.O.C.I.S. International
    Currently, everything of me online is all half-finished (or not even half-finished). Of course I can’t finish what I’m working towards all by myself at once now, because the fully finished D.O.C.I.S. International is a replacement of all local governments and international organizations overshadowing those governments. I need more propaganda and more support to reach that level, plus I need to have my models and stuff finished for implementation.
    But to make sure that I really get busy with it, I have signed up for Jia Ruan’s webminar of tomorrow morning. I always see his video ads when I watch debate videos on YouTube. I’m always afraid that I won’t learn from it while I want to enjoy it, but after I clicked on the ad link, checked the page but didn’t do anything, today I saw a video ad about that I opened the page but didn’t sign up. That is great use of data so I have my hopes up now. 🙂
  2. Be more honest and straightforward
    Since 2017, I’ve been biting my tongue. I used to be a direct and honest person, but this changed when my parents and I initiated a real-life chess game where they don’t want me to meet new people and move out and all I want is to meet new people and move out, especially when I just funded my PR business which now doesn’t even exist anymore, which was a decision influenced by their obstruction of business operations, along with the psychiatrists they were telling lies just so that they can keep me leashed on, stuck at home until they die.
    To keep the peace, for I financially depend on them and I don’t like to treat people in a way I don’t want to be treated, I have been staying nice and nodding yes to everything they’ve been saying over two years. But now that I’m older than 21, they are not responsible for me anymore, so they can’t say that if they don’t want me to study in, visit or move to the United States, that they have the final say in that, the way they obstructed the first campaign of Elia PR, involving dr. Crutzen.
    I still depend on them when it comes to studying in Antwerp comfortably, but if they want to, again, use psychological games to prevent me from moving out then I’ll do this without them. Then I’ll have an apartment with only a mattress on the floor. I don’t care. Freedom of operations is what I find the most important.
    By law my parents are obliged to invest in my future and well-being. All my life they have been doing what they want for me, at their expense. Never the investments they should have been doing. Everything I want gets shoved underneath the rug. But my studies in Antwerp are check-mate. My future depends on it and I could afford this by myself. So no matter what, I’ll finally have some healthy space to breathe. No more childish parental supervision, no more unnecessary psychiatric supervision, no more reminders of falsely going missing everywhere I go. It will just be D.O.C.I.S., my books and I and that will make me happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve been asking for help for the financial injustice I’ve been living in, but fuck all of that. I can do this on my own. Fuck dependency. I know we’ll all have a hard time trying to not lose our tempers, when I decide to speak up against everything that bothers me, starting from when they try to make conversation with me.
    With everyone I’ll be more open. This includes random people on the street randomly talking to me, this includes industry psychiatrists still keeping tabs on me (dr. Catje excluded, I’m already honest with him), this will include my openness about being Vic-sexual though I should let go of my feelings if I’ll seem like some random obsessed person fangirling forever.
    I hypothesize that my honesty will make them want me to leave just as much as I want to leave.
    If you wonder why I don’t show off my blog the way I should, it’s because all of this drama from my personal life is on it and I want that fixed because I don’t want to earn from sharing my annoyance about everyone who bothers me. I want to earn from implementing change.
  3. Freshen up my knowledge on Mathematics and write out in which way I’ll implement the knowledge from the first semester into my business right away
    Yess I’m going to study Mathematics for a reason and it’s important that I don’t lose track of that and hopefully ace this cum laude. (Something for which I’ll need to live on my own. Remember my diary when I didn’t want to go to Surinam because I wanted to focus on school but my mother found that “ongezellig” and still forced me to go – and financial dependency me allowed that – and then my streak of A’s was gone? I don’t want that to fucking EVER happen again grrrrrr.)
    What I learn during my studies, I’ll use in practice right away (which is the most fun thing ever)! 😀

In other “news” (ahahaha can you imagine this being on the news ahahahah “Jacques doesn’t like Italian food?”): before I went to bed, I thought of also putting some breadcrumbs on the floor to see if he’d maybe eat that. Because my path of prosciutto was still untouched…

Before going to bed (prosciutto and bread)

And I woke up to this:

Everything gone 😮

I see Jacques enjoyed his bread with prosciutto. My lunch was his midnight snack haha.

I’ve now made a path of bread, but through the day, again, no luck. (Rather no prosciutto for I want him to stay more healthy and not develop a taste for human flesh in the future.)

bread trap

The bread trap: it resembles “all the bread in the world is outside”

Are the chunks too large¿

Anyway meow I finished my hair as far as I could. 5 more strains I need, to finish it. It’s hidden underneath my bun-ish ness. And I ate my salmon:

Grilled salmon + spinazie á la crѐme

Now I’m going to make sunset pictures in the dunes. 😀 My family and the friends of my sister haven’t arrived yet.

Updated 21:07 (09:07 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Explicit Content, Images, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Videos

Calm Lonelyay [Wednesday, July 31, 2019]

My Graeynissis ♥ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays ♥ ♥ ♥ ]

Thank you for checking in on me today. ♥ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this.

[Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused to receive a car instead of an apartment in Antwerp.]
It was my intention to have another phoneless day, yesterday. I had just uploaded yesterday’s status update. While I was writing this and after that, I heard my cousin’s friend knock on the door several times – she wanted to go to the beach with us but her parents wanted to leave at 10 AM so she wanted to play with my cousin in the morning – and that my cousin was awake (from hearing her turn on her Nintendo 3DS and her visiting the bathroom).

I didn’t want to open the door either. Even to me that person was crazy annoying. Constantly demanding my attention “Look I can do a cart wheel” “Look I can do a somersault in the water” “Look at our pool (inflatable tub)” look at this look at that all the time and my reaction was “Oh nice!” all the time. At some point she complained that I always say “nice” and that I should use more words. Grinding my teeth, I said “Nice things are nice because they’re nice,” she not knowing what the fuck I even said because I purposely said it in English. If I were honest, I would have said: “WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE TO ME?” Stupid 13-year-old narcissist who plays with lego.

Hoping that she wouldn’t walk around the cabin and start knocking on our bedroom windows, I had my eyes on the clock. I had to laugh about the situation – thinking God will punish me for doing this – and had folded myself into a blanket caterpillar, posting some tweets and texting my mother. About something completely different.

Scusami I’m going to have some breakfast and will be back xxx

Updated 11:57 (AM) [GMT +2]

~~~

I wish I knew counter-affection 🙁

Fangs: “Yesss I look forward to being my own interior designer. 😀 But study financing comes all the way in October (the school year starts at the end of September)… ”

Mother: “Preferrably Wednesday (next week for we’re in Egmond until Sunday).”

Fangs: “Niceeeeee. 😀 I namely fear that someone else claims the apartment before I do. So the sooner the better. 😀 😀 (I thought it was going to be next Friday instead of Wednesday.)”

Mother: “Second hand stuff, stuff from home and a new bed”

I’d rather purchase items that are better long-term of which I can be proud, which are new (but cheap because I can’t afford expensive).

My affection 🙁

Fangs: “Or cheap Ikea… But indeed stuff from home too I can take my closet along for example. And my kluzu. (Marnix (my high school) slang-ish for locker.) (There’s a locker in my room.)”

I’d rather purchase the cheapest Ikea items I can find regardless of the way they look, than buy used furniture.

Mother: “It doesn’t have to be done all at once.”

Fangs: “No only a bed and a table are important. Hmmm before or after Curaçao…?”

Honestly placing furniture into a small apartment can be done all at once. But I depend on my parents in this so all I can do is obey and try to have a little influence. I’m still going to move out as soon as I can move in. Even if I’d only have a mattress on the floor.

Mother: “And then slowly build it up. What?”

A.k.a. I might be sleeping on a mattress on the floor but at least I’ll have my own space and that will make me the happiest person on the planet. Please don’t say “What?” 🙁

Fangs: “I can probably move in before you’re back from Curaçao. But the school year starts from…”

A standard rent contract starts at the first of the month and I’m not going to travel back and forth after the one-hour delay of my train the first time I went there already. My parents are going to Curaçao for a week longer than my sister and I.

Ughhhhh 🙁

Fangs: “But the year starts from September 24th so principally that doesn’t matter.”

Mother: “Noooo, slow down. Your father also still has to get used to the idea of you wanting to live in Antwerp. He would rather buy you a car.”

My blood started to boil but I kept my cool because I still financially depend on them (and they’re screwing me over so fucking much every time). Because seriously, I’ve been in debt since age 18 or something and only when I might finally move out, that’s when he wants to buy me a car so that it will take even longer before I move out? Let me the fuck go man I feel like I’m held hostage and everyone is just watching it. 🙁 They want me to move out when I’m 40 and then live two blocks away so that they can come by for dinner every day.

Fangs: “Ah sweet but I need a degree to afford (the maintenance of) that car and I have 40 hours or something of school per week so it’s better that I move there.”

What the fuuuuuuck. 🙁 It sounds so crazy that I’m turning down a car – of course I want a car – but more importantly I want to distance myself of the grip my parents have on me. That goes at the cost of anything.  Even if I’d have to kill them and buy a car and a deserted island from my fucking inheritance.

Mother: “He wants to pay for (all of) it. But I already said that travelling there and back every day is too tiring”

That is my greatest problem. I never build up any finance because my parents always give me the assets and never the money to buy the assets. If they would give me that money he was going to use to buy a car for me then everything will be settled for me moving out and moving on.

I’m trying my very best not to lose it

Fangs: “I know what to do with that money if I could get that as a business investment I could buy my matte grey Audi RS7 (sportback) within no time. But (currently) the most important is that degree and the least tiring way towards that (thus not driving to Antwerp and back for three years or something).”

For years I’ve been asking my father for a business investment and for years he has been saying that I’m not worth the investment. And my mother speaks of buying second-hand furniture. And now just like that he wants to buy me a car for which I know he doesn’t need a loan to buy it. I can buy brand new furniture with that budget they want to use to buy me a car. No idea what car he was going to try to bribe me with but honestly I don’t even want to know because this all hurts so much. Were they really expecting me to say “Oh never mind I’ll just stay home for another year and cook twice a week yay I have a car now thank you daddy”? I’m not fucking stupid meow let me go. 🙁 Antwerp is empty nest syndrome check-mate. Let them just enjoy their other daughter who does like and love them.

Mother: “Right. And I find it beautiful that you now have this goal and that you now can hold on to it.”

Of course I can hold on to this. I’m doing all of this to get some space to breathe, away from them. She always insinuates that I change my goals in life around like it’s nothing, but never in my life have I changed the goal I’m working towards. I’ve only started a new strategy every time another one didn’t work out. She doesn’t understand how I’m going to use Mathematics to spark that same revolution (maybe in a way that is even better).

Fangs: “Yesss I now owe them a year of tuition ahahahahaha”

I’m saying this because they sound like they’re going to back out and they said that they were going to pay my tuition.

Mother: “Behind the scenes I’m busy with your father. He is worried and has his own ideas. I do understand him, it’s a bit scary for him, that you want to move out (by yourself)…”

Ew first sentence construction. Empathy, too, will not make me change my mind about how I just refused a car. If I could get that money from someone else I would be saved so much of this headache. I hate negotiating with my parents because I always end up settling for something that I don’t want.

My god please help meeeeee

Mother: “… His eldest daughter. Yes, that tuition will be taken care of.”

Is he even my actual biological father? If not why is he making decisions for me? And even if yes, I’m fucking 22 and not incompetent so please just fucking cooperate for one. 🙁 Why the fuck does my future depend on their shit.

Fangs: “I understand that it’s a tense situation for the both of you. But this is just Belgium and not even the United States (“Verenigde Staten”) where I want to obtain my PhD. We’re starting off easily. :D”

She’s wording this like only my father is suffering from empty nest syndrome. That’s why I say “the both of you”. It should have been “We’re starting off slow,” but it clearly is not. This is already a headache and I haven’t even started the negotiations with them in person yet. I reallyyyyy don’t want to negotiate with them in person ever again, the previous times in my life that I endured that were so traumatic.

Speaking of traumatic I JUST SAW A MOUSEEEEEEEEE IN THIS FUCKING CABIN. 🙁 I’m afraid it will bite me. 🙁 And eat my food. 🙁 Plus I have so many items laying on the floor in my room here oh my god nooo. 🙁 🙁 🙁

I’m going to call him Jacques. 🙁 I’m in shock ahahahahaha. I can hear it nibble on shit.

Updated 13:27 (01:27 M) [GMT +2]

~~~

Would making a trace of breadcrumbs make Jacques come out here alive and let us both live freely? I’m currently with my feet on the couch like a scared Catje. 🙁 I don’t want to move but I should do the dishes and make myself more food. Help. 🙁 You see this is why I need a sexy Graeyniss. 🙁

Who else can I tell this

Mother: “We will get used to it quickly. Especially when we see that you’re having a good time there.”

That’s not even what I want. I want more distance and less supervision.

Fangs: “Whatever it takes that will be fine.”

Fangs: “A MOUSEEEEEEEEE. UNDERNEATH THE FRIDGE OH MY GOD. 🙁 ”

Jacques is hella photogenic. Come catch and adopt him please dear any Dutch animal lover willing to come to the Sint-Adelbertusweg 31 to pick up this mouse (and het FangCatje) please. Please please 🙁

🙁

Mother: “Ooh nooooo. 🙁 Do make sure that at least everything that can be eaten is in plastic containers. If necessary fill the rice container with sachets of food.”

I don’t want to do fucking anything. Fuck this. 🙁 As if I didn’t think of the food. But still fuck all of this meow I’ve had it. 🙁

Now that I’m in scared cat mode I can continue the rest of my story on this – by the way – very rainy day. I should untie my braids as well but then I’ll have to wash my hair and what if Jacques is in the shower. 🙁 I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t see him well meow my feet are bare this is not yay. 🙁

That girl started knocking at 08:30 AM, then came back at 09:00 AM and then came back at 09:30 AM. My cousin and I stayed in our beds but my aunt felt guilty for the girl and opened the door. She was there with her mother and they were complaining about that no one opened the door. My aunt nudged my cousin and let the girl in who then started to complain to my cousin and hissing “I’m going to count to 20 and then you have to be dressed and ready.” Then came to my room to ask for a pen.

I searched in my bag, found a pen but dropped that one back into my bag to search for another one.
“I just saw you found a pen,” she said.
“Yes, but that one is empty. I just keep it with me for some weird reason,” I replied and proved that by scratching it on a paper in my notebook.

It reminds me of a little accomplishment and Victishe, so I don’t want to throw it away 🙁

Another annoying moment like that was when we were walking to the beach yesterday and my cousin said that it’s a tough walk and then my aunt said that for us it is but for her it’s not because she walks a lot and likes to walk. Then my cousin and I were defending ourselves. My cousin started to give examples of how often she walks and my aunt then said that she still sometimes uses the bike because she hates when she has to climb downstairs to put her bike in the shed.  I told her that it’s tough because my cousin and I are walking on bath slippers. Then she asked why no sneakers and I said because we’re going to the beach. In my social environment I always have nonsensical discussions like this. Fucking hate it so much.

What is even more frustrating, which happens even more often, is that people like to try to debunk my facts. My cousin asked how far it is from the cabin to the beach and I told her that according to Google Maps it’s 2.2 km, I saw when I cycled it the first time. Then my aunt said “No, I believe it’s either 1.3 or 1.9 km. I don’t know why.” I hate to be right all the time man why even start another nonsensical discussion I swear just say nothing. Then on our way back we spotted a sign that says “Beach 1.9 km,” which means that from the beach to the cabin it’s not 1.3 and also not 1.9 km. I hate to be questioned. When I saw it, I didn’t say a word. The frustration made me up my walking pace even more. I was already stopping to let them catch up all the time but the distance just kept getting bigger and bigger. At some point I turned around and saw them walk into a lane to look at something without even notifying me, so I started to just walk on my actual walking tempo (even faster) and go to the cabin without looking back. I mean I had to cook after all and was tired enough already.

She mentioned that my cousin and her could stay over at my apartment when I’ve moved to Antwerp and that she has gone to many concerts there. I asked what the name of the concert location was she didn’t know and received some celebration haha I was wrong bashing verbally when it was not the location meant when I said: “Oh there’s an event location close to where I want to live. Maybe it’s that one.” I’m moving on meow no one from my social circle here will stay over at my place in Antwerp. But I didn’t say that because it sounds so cold towards them. Though it’s what would make me happy.

In the video I made on my walk back to the cabin, I say that I’m not blogging because I want to make people look bad and have some gossip bullshit website. I don’t even like gossip. I’m sharing my frustration here because I can’t share it anywhere else and I hope that someone can understands and would like to help me start a new life away from all of this unnecessary frustration.

Time to put on some shoes and make my mouse freedom trap before my mother is here with mouse traps tomorrow. Tomorrow is so very soon. 🙁

Updated 14:54 (02:54 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Meanwhile I have made a path to show Jacques the door because this is really not working out, but he must have found something that makes him attached to this place because I haven’t seen him ever since that picture.

I hope he’s into Italian food…

Everyone loves Italian food meowww. My mother said the has spoken to a vermin expert one day and he/she told her that they’re after fat. So that’s why this is a path of prosciutto di parma (the parts that were starting to dry out) instead of breadcrumbs.

I’ve also finally washed the dishes and have started to untie my braids. My hair has grown a lot yays. 🙂 Unfortunately I can’t untie my braids and type at the same time meow. I’m really fed up with that I enjoy being alone so much but my family is so unnecessarily attached to me. It’s not that we have nice conversations or anything. Aside from my willingness to cook and do other shit I don’t understand why they’re so attached to me. Hmm maybe that was enough reason already. Oh and that I always listen to their monologues. But I’ve had enough of it meow I’m thinking of just saying what I think starting tomorrow. I’d rather just leave though because it will end up in the fight of the century for sure.  🙁

Updated 17:17 (05:17 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Mid-untying braids tired Catje

Still no sign of Jacques…

Updated 18:05 (06:05 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

Untied braids yays time to eat yesterday’s left over awesomeness for dinner.

Gosh this post is over 3000 words. I really become almost kleptomaniac when it comes to convincing whoever is influential, rich, Graeyniss and yay to make me part of their life and get me out of the social deadlock I’m living in. My brain shuts down every time I realize tomorrow the setting will go from peaceful to giving people attention again meow I don’t want that anymore. 🙁 I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be with people I don’t like either anymore and I’m going to stop treating them like I want to be treated because they treat me like shit. Second-hand furniture but still buying me a ticket to Curaçao while I don’t even want to go. 🙁

I do want the Sun and a beach but I’d rather enjoy it with people I actually like. :'(

Ooh meoow I just realized the huge stack of used panties underneath my suitcase meow I hope Jacques hasn’t settled himself in that because I’m already dealing with panties scarcity. Honestly especially after this vermin I don’t want to even wear them anymore. But money. 🙁

Updated 18:57 (06:57 PM) [GMT +2]

~~~

So July is coming to an end.

Statistically (non-cookie-blocking-people wise), it was better than February and March

Top 10 most read posts/pages

I should actually do this tomorrow because maybe a lot of people suddenly feel like reading things just before twelve and then July suddenly was statistically better than May.

Antwerpiyays has been doing well so I hope blogging in Antwerp once I’ve moved there – because that is going to happen and I really hope to be able to claim that two bedroom apartment near campus omggg – will do at least just as well.

My plans for tomorrow are finishing my hair, baking salmon and hoping that the weather will be better than today so that I can take some pictures of the sunset. Furthermore I’m planning to say what I think and share the effects thereof in my post, and I’m going to set some objectives for the month of August (because I want organizational operations steadiness in September so I need to set up things in August). Plus I hope to elaborate on this set of tweets and pictures (I’ll just show you a few of them because they are a lot):

“… have to pay for the vergrijzing (percentage of working class retiring afforded by tax money), and earn back the INVESTMENT (because that minister said it wasn’t an investment) in that outdated nonsense (klimaatakkoord), and then have to pay the retirement pensions of those dumb people who created the klimaatakkoord (plus all the refugees they let in).”

Excusez moi it should have been Thierry Baudet and I. 😸

But this is all just things I want to see finished meow currently I’m doing my hair and I won’t be able to finish that before going to sleep (especially because I want to make it more voluptuous (voluminous¿) than it previously was).

Oh and Jacques doesn’t like Italian food. 🙁 Stupid mouse. 🙁 I’m going to try breadcrumbs tomorrow.

Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.

Good night ♥

Updated 23:30 (11:30 PM) [GMT +2]

xxx

Online Diary, Strategy

Less Phone Again [Tuesday, July 30, 2019]

Heys my Graeysss ♥ ♥ ♥

Yesterday was yays.  I chilled with my aunt we had a day of snacking fries and talking. I like that I can relate to her troubles so much. It makes me feel less alone.

Through the day I had a song stuck in my head because of this:

It was my intention to not answer to anything yesterday, but had seen this ASKfm “question” and I just couldn’t figure out what it meant. Until I thought of pronouncing it in a non-speaking way. It’s a song of which the chorus (translated to English) is: “Ai ai Olga if you don’t love me I will jump into the ice cold Volga (river in Russia),” about love-related suicide basically. I remember a teacher in primary school teaching us this song ugh what an awful memory. And in this “question” context it filled me with a sense of guilt.

I didn’t want to believe it. Not again.  I really thought why do the people I’m in to always reject me/run away from me and why do I get chased by people who I’m not in to? I have rejected so many people and I really really really don’t like to do that because I know how much it hurts and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way.

Especially the baby emoji made me uncomfortable. The times I have rejected a “I want to start a family with you,” (often hearing that from someone I barely know) is not countable on my fingers.

But I had to be honest and say that there are plenty of fishes in the sea because I don’t want to end up in a relationship I don’t want to be in. I need someone influential with whom I can start a revolution with and yays find attractive. Someone who will make me never reject anyone ever again, if you know what I’m sayin’. 🤔 (Just say “Leave my girlfriend alone please godverdomme” or something…)

Other than that I don’t have much to say about yesterday.

I do have something sad-ish but positive to mention about a few weeks ago, which I hadn’t mentioned here yet: I got a letter from the Belastingdienst in which the inspector stated that she has noticed that I, in 2017, have suffered a loss on my personal bank account(s) and that they are going to study this more starting by analyzing my finances from 2014 onwards. As long as they don’t give me a fine for having suffered a loss (like how paying a bill late comes with an administration fine and losses mean less tax money coming in right), that sounds like quite good news. Maybe they’ll give me back what I’ve lost? Maybe they’ll see that my family is fraud? It could be the yays. 🙂

Today I’ll be phoneless beach chilling, cooking pasta and later escorting my aunt and cousin (who has been claimed by the – I recognize from the way they treat each other compared to when I was little – oppressive new friend she met here) to the bus station. Tomorrow is basically my only other day alone. (When I fell for this it really sounded like I’d have some real time off you know.) Thursday my parents are coming to stay here until the end and my sister will come here too with a gang of friends large enough to fill this cramped space with air beds. I feel claustrophobic. Despite all of this:


You should know that I love to just sit and talk. It’s what I do with my family, it’s what I used to do with my friends. My problem is just that I seek this hard-to-find type of conversational depth. Is that you, my Graeyniss? 😸

Yays for the comments here.

As for D.O.C.I.S. International I’m still tired (is this heart failure¿) and I need Wi-Fi to be able to “finish” anything, so that niss will be continued from August 5 onwards. Though in the meantime I’m also going to visit some apartments in Belgium with my mother to see which one is the most yay to move in to. I’ve already gotten a crush on a two-bedroom one in a quiet neighborhood near-campus… Hoping no one else gets that same crush before I’ve visited it… 😀

I’ll be having another keeping-phone use-minimal day.

Love you more than yesterday ♥

Updated 08:29 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam;CEST)]

– xxx –

Phone water
Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Flashback “Chilling” [Monday, July 29, 2019]

Good morning, my Graeyniss ♥

Passion is finished yaysss. 🙂 I don’t know if you’ve spotted it last night, because I updated the last of it pretty late last night. It’s a veryyy nice read, seeing how it sticks together from start to finish:

Passionlilfangs.com/passion

Passion 2lilfangs.com/passion-2

Passion 3lilfangs.com/passion-3

Passion 4lilfangs.com/passion-4

Passion 5lilfangs.com/passion-5

I’m in bed, writing you early because today I’ll be full-time spending time with my aunt, cousin and her new friend who are staying here. I spend far too much time with my phone in my hands I’m missing out on reality. 🙁

But before I go, I’d like to share some feelings of mine I’m dealing with, hoping for your listening ear: especially after sharing those screenshots of the type of “conversations” I have every day and the amount of degrading ASKfm questions that pour in whenever I answer just one of them (at some point I just stop answering because it’s just too much time and energy wasted for nothing… I still have questions in my answers queue from that same day), I see and feel more of the disrespected reality I live. It’s not nice. 🙁 I’ve been keeping myself from online conversations more and more ever since this realization (again). Chances are high I won’t respond to anything today, but still maybe post a few tweets in case I’m bored.

Another thing I’ve been afraid to share is this: https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155733411360?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

I dared to share this new piece of fraud evidence now, because my parents left last night. They will be back – with my sister and her friends – on Thursday. I’m always afraid that my father will beat me to death when I check-mate him with evidence on his fraud. But people don’t believe this is real or something? I don’t know why I’m not saved from all the dangers I live. 🙁 I hope the government has its eyes on him because this really is not normal. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. 🙁 I’m not a fan of the system either but if we’d all do what they’re doing the financial crisis that will follow would be untamable.

I hope that, considering that with those screenshots I have now shared all aspects of my life, what I’m trying to do as a propagandist is clear and people will see the good in this and work with me. It would bring us to the revolution that will better our lives. I hope that it will work out and that I – though it’s still a better alternative than forever living together with my family – won’t have to live all by myself in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t know who to trust, where I could be treated like just another student, while my intelligence is clearly different and I’m this online phenomenon spitting ideas, who can be followed anywhere. I really don’t want to meet another person telling me “Oh you’re so beautiful blah blah,” while I can’t talk about the actual contents of my mind (like seriously let’s revolutionize the system) and then end up in this weird sexual relationship being offended “because I don’t say much and I’m weird”. Please. 🙁

I’m going to take a little nap because I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope you’ll help me start the largest court case ever one day. From there we could initiate the D.O.C.I.S. 🙂 .

With all of the formerly forgotten toxic flashbacks that are haunting me now, I’m starting to realize how the D.O.C.I.S. I initiated 2 years ago, before the memory loss thing happend, sticks together.

Love you ♥

Updated 08:56 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Phone water

The featured image is made by Designecologist on Pexels.com

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Passion 5 [Sunday, July 28, 2019]

Heys ♥

Welcome to the last post of my list of passions. 🙂 The last two topics on my list have a lot of elements from the other topics on my list in them.

Before I continue, I’d like to log these tweets here for diary purposes:


It’s remarkable how much the sea has drawn to the coast in such a short matter of time with such steady seeming weather circumstances. 🙂

I can’t take this anymore I’m so much more than just a body. 😿 One day concepts like sexting and other shit will be things of the past, I believe. Please leave the measures to me. 🙂

Information

I love gaining objective information that can easily be fact-checked. Unfortunately knowledge is rarely propagated including any official reports and original data. My need to study the things that are considered facts these days like that grows every day. I’m certain that most new “facts” propagated to society are lies by people who just want to be famous for something a lot of people deal or will deal with in their lives. I’d rather find my own truths.

That some (often right-wing) people go about knowledge and the propagation thereof in the same way really warms my heart.

One thing I’d really like to know, though, is if all the tension and influencing that is casted over people is done with a certain long-term vision in mind. Do people know what they’re working towards or is everyone just doing something and acting as if they know what they’re working towards. If we all follow our long-term strategies, where are we in 20 years?

Subjective information (opinions/personal perception) was something I used to find always interesting. Now only the unique individual perception of the 10% most intelligent people in the world is what interests me. Like how do other intelligent people develop themselves (mentally)? 🙂 We all need to figure these things out for ourselves and all, through our nature and nurture, have unique findings. Be my Graeyniss? 😻

If I’m correct the rest of people are people with no talent who basically know this of themselves. They uplift themselves by bringing others down and often do this in sneaky ways. They are with many and with that can have endless conversations about how much they suck at life and how life is unchangable and how we are all meant to stay poor forever. Take me to a deserted island please their mentality is so fucking toxic and soooooo fucking wrong. They are ruining the younger generations (as far as they haven’t been infected yet).

When it comes to the information I spread and the limited ways in which I do this, I’m very unsatisfied, too. I do everything by myself and there’s a limited amount of words I can type in a day so everything you see/read/hear of me is always not at its full potential. Very dissatisfying.
Plus I want to see all records there are about me. Medical records, police records, airport whatever records, broken records, “wtf have you seen this on the internet records” and so on. I need oversight.

Affection

Does affection even (still) exist? It’s so hard to find. 🙁 I always have to drag it out of people and even then it’s most often absolute fucking trash. 🙁

My list of passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied is:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy
  6. Information
  7. Affection

If you put this list in reverse, you see what I find the most important in life:

  1. Affection
  2. Information
  3. Sex/Intimacy
  4. Creativity
  5. Food
  6. Observation
  7. Distraction

On affection and explaining this two-sided list I will continue after catching some z’s. Good night

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

xxx

Good evening ♥

Unfortunately my blog was under maintenance when I had inspiration to update it and after that I went to the beach with my cousin and her new friend.

The water was great. 🙂 After that I took the longest nap ever and now I’m here to finish my list and tell you about my greatest passion.

Affection (continued)

In an affectionate relationship I can really be myself. My expressions and way of thinking are very uncommon, so I only feel safe to be myself when I feel mutual affection. When I know I won’t get hurt because I’m different. But this type of relationship is currently only a fantasy. In reality, the world is ice cold. My heart is burning from this.

I see society grow more loveless every day. Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community, propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive, influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense, people mistake love for forced attachment, offensiveness is humor, ways to settle disagreements get more brutal each day, and so on… It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.

Let me further explain that list of statements:
“Today’s wisdom is constructed around self-discouragement in favor of the community”
I feel like I’m living an example of this. That I believe that I’m capable of making large-scale changes to the world is one of the reasons why I have been labeled a schizophrenic. The “professional” psychiatrist considered it a fact that the world will stay stagnate. With a smile on her face she told me this heart shattering news.

It’s like people don’t want to see other people be successful, because they want to be the ones successful. There’s always jealousy and never just pure affection.

Of course the example I just gave you doesn’t weigh heavy enough to say that that pessimism is carried on a large scale. That’s why I’m going in to the way today’s widespread quotes are built up. They reek of that “I don’t want you to be more successful than I”, from the negative undertones they have.

Plenty shared quotes are always built up as something like: “If yo bitch blink twice you know she won’t like your cheerios.” (That’s a Lil Fangs original (satirically). 😏 ) The syntax is: negative assumption + something obvious everyone has + imperative sounding advice/wisdom.

But a better example of this is something I came across today: “Life is too short to have a bad attitude.”
If someone would tell me that (and I can’t not take “wisdom” quotes personal), the first thing that would hurt me is: “Why are you saying that I have a bad attitude?” And then: “Do you think I don’t know that? It’s clearly obvious?” I genuinely don’t understand how people can be motivated by such harsh sounding words. Why not affectionate motivation, instead of this army drilling “motivational” tone? 🙁 Affectionate people with a dream, like me, will not get encouraged by words like this.

By “in favor of the community” I mean that there will be no new successful people. That is in favor of the jealous demonic masses. Though they will be missing out on better living circumstances if they keep holding on to the idea of an eternally stagnate world.

Ah meow I see I’ll finish this post past twelve. 🙁 I’m still keeping it 5 posts meow I really don’t want it to cover more days because it’s about just finishing something.

“Propaganda/news/new knowledge is often not positive”
Why are the serious breakthroughs of the intelligent very rarely mentioned? Why is the little positive news that is spread always indirect propaganda for a simple life?
Every piece of news/propaganda is shaped as a confirmation of “the world is an awful place and it will always stay that way”. Is there anyone interested in counting the amount of propagations of mass shootings, rape, fraud, et cetera and compare that to the amount of positive news ever spread? My hypothesis is that there’s far far far more negative news than positive news.

My Chrome homepage suggested this news article to me: https://www.express.co.uk/news/science/1158337/ewton-wrong-science-dismiss-isaac-newton-theory-gravity-albert-einstein-black-hole/amp
“Newton was wrong: Scientists dismiss Newton’s theory of gravity and warn Einstein is next”
I find it sad news. Like the balance we assumed and celebrated was all a lie. The news article just says that some scientist says that it’s wrong. It doesn’t go in to what the theory of gravity exactly is, why it’s wrong and what is then right. But it’s a great article for a jealous demon to discourage an affectionate Angel with. 🙁 I can already hear people in my social environment say: “The world will really stay shit. Even Newton was wrong. And Einstein is next.”

What interests me even more is why does a scientist want to spend time and money proving this wrong? Why not come up with a completely new original theory? Why does this person want to be “the scientist proving Newton and Einstein wrong”? They’re dead. Their legacy will become a lie.

I’d love to propagate positive news with a lot of affection. That’s why the concept for a global broadcast center is part of the construction of the future D.O.C.I.S. International.

“Influentials in power spend most of their time playing offense and defense”
I think that if I say that Donald J. Trump his time is wasted you understand what I mean. He, like many other influentials in power who have actual vision and who are not just doing it for the name and fame, spends so much time defending himself against the most awful allegations. Then he sometimes offends someone who hurts him back and then the whole offense defense thing starts from the beginning again.

So much time to see someone carry out his/her passionate vision has been wasted by demons out for short demonic fame.

“People mistake love for forced attachment”
From my observations I see that the majority of people doesn’t believe in unconditional and eternal love. People think that being in love means that you spend almost all of your time with the only person you should have sex with and fight with this person every now and then.

Those screenshots I showed you yesterday are an example of how people these days see love. Love can’t be forced, no matter how much people try to use words they think sound lovable. I don’t believe in falling in love via the internet. Only feeling someone’s affection in real life could make me fall in love.

Where is courtship? Are there people who still do spontaneous flowers? If you are one of those people please cuddle me. 😿

“Offensiveness is humor”
Please give me an example of a personal joke you’ve heard or have been told that wasn’t offensive because I don’t know any. It’s always about someone’s ethnicity or a mistake or an insecurity or something. Why not make jokes that are uplifting? Why not make jokes that are flirtatious? (Courting flirtatious and not offensive flirtatious. Say “Your laptop probably stopped working because its camera spotted you and you are so hot that its system crashed.” And not “Je hebt best wel lekkere tieten haha.” Both the person telling the joke and the one hearing it can gain from that. (Even when there’s no mutual attraction, it could still create mutual affection.)

“It’s like the whole world is getting ready for a huge break-up. A break-up that will lead to a shift in existing relationships and make my fellow affectionate Angels stronger.”
Affectionate people are hard to find. Most people don’t even know what affection is. They mistake it for what they see in the movies. Even empathy is nowhere to be found. Like that person yesterday telling me that my blog is slow. What the fuck? 😿 That’s how demons start conversations. I do everything by myself here I know that my blog is slow I can’t help it. 😿

Negative news like “Newton was wrong” and “Your blog is slow” can be brought in a way that doesn’t rip one’s heart into pieces. Say “Newton’s theory of gravity has a successor”. Say “Unfortunately I have noticed that the load speed of your blog is not very high. Have you thought of any solutions to that yet?”

Affectionate people use empathic language naturally. People get naturally drawn to them. Being in their presence is just so uplifting. (I think they’re part of (or even are) the 10% most intelligent people in the world.)
Unfortunately the world is about 75% demons, disguised as Angels. These narcissists drag us down and keep us believing that a better life is impossible to create. Like it’s something we don’t even deserve.

I’m waiting for the day my Angels tell me they’ve had enough of the world’s demonic bullshit and report themselves present for my revolution.

If you keep up with my blog and study my writings like you’d study Ovid’s Aeneid, you’re an affectionate person. I hope that you know you’re the only people I write this for and I hope that you know that my heart beats for you and only you (affectionate ambitious people). Our hearts are vulnerable and I live to protect them.

Affection is the best distraction. Affection is the hottest reason for observation. Affection creates better dinners. Affection enhances creativity by at least 100%. Affection is the reason for the best intimate relationships. Affection should be the only drive for knowledge.

That concludes my list.

Good night, my love. ♥

Updated 01:57 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

xxx

The featured image is made by Evie Shaffer on Pexels

Audio, Media, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Videos

Passion 4 [Saturday, July 27, 2019]

Hey ♥

I can’t sleep again. 🙁 Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. 🙂

Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully powerless. In these two nights alone here in Egmond, I’ve become so accustomed to living alone that I just want more and more of those moments where I can just be myself. I want to be a wild catje walking around with only panties on all the time my meow. The parcels I’ve been staying on don’t have enough surrounding private land to always do that, but even here I’ve been doing that at night with the curtains closed. If I’d do that around my acquaintences, they would say something like: “Ehm what the fuck are you doing?”

Anyway let’s get to this hot topic my miyays I have my current sexy example fantasy on repeat in my mind I’d like to share with you and use that to further explain my philosophy about sex/intimacy. I’m going to send a push notification about that I’m writing now and share this on Twitter as well (that’s a lot of yay push notifications if you follow me on both 😀 ).

Hmm but then you’d end up here and only have an introduction text and no juicy text about passion yet, so here are some of my most recent liked YouTube videos you could watch (even if you don’t speak Dutch, just watch them 🙂 ) while I’m typing and you’ll receive another push notification when I’m done (in about 30-45 minutes I estimate). 

Updated 03:17 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Sex / Intimacy (continued)

The last time I had sex was in December or January or something. I don’t remember exactly when it was (I don’t remember much of that night in general because I was quite drunk). I believe I’ve blogged about it somewhere. All I remember is that it was a bad example of what sex should be like. It’s one of those memories I’d like to get distracted from.

Over 6 months without sex is a crazy long time for me. In comparison to when I was with my ex, where a day without sex felt like a lifetime. It was the most heavyweight reason why I found it so hard to distance myself from him. But I’m over him now. I think… 🙁

I am so very much in the mood for sex. Always. And I always have plenty of sex/intimacy offers available to me. Here are some online examples of them I’ve received this month:

Someone on ASKfm wants to taste the juices of my vagina:

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155374570272?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

I always respond to my ASKfm questions with openness. Sex really is one of the most interesting topics ever. (Topics that are more interesting are a future global revolution and Fangyism ahahahahaha.)

Getting married to me for a European citizenship (“intimacy”):

I’m always interested in why people do what they do

The audacity…

You give this one a title:

Someone I “know” from social media

Et cetera et cetera I said no

[What if I meet a person like this when I live on my own in Antwerp?]

Over the years I’ve built a strong sense of intuition for offers I should refuse. These examples are all things I know I should avoid in real life because I know I will really not enjoy them. I love sex a lot. Like really a lottttttt. But I’d really rather have no sex than bad sex. I can look someone in the eye or interpret someone’s style of writing and directly know if our sex would be good or bad.

My ex has, for a veryyy long time been the person who I considered the most sexually attractive person. Now it’s Victishe… 😻 My body craves for him so much that it feels like suffering to live without him… Ever since I’ve seen him for the first time, I picture us being intimate.

My craving is so serious that I always fold my blanket and pillows together at length and cuddle it at night, pretending it’s him, but missing the actual feeling I’ve never even felt. I’m so curious of what it feels like because nothing can imitate his greatness. 😻

When I spoke with him the first time, it was basically the first time I got the feeling: “You are so hot if I stand close to like this you for too long I won’t be able to keep my body from wanting to touch you all over anymore…”

After my very random indirect attempts to see him again, there seems to be no possible way to ever meet again. (My heart has been bashed after being refused for jobs that are way below my level.)

The fantasy that popped up in my mind was that we suddenly lock eyes at a random Graeyniss event. (And this is what I would actually do in real life because now I really don’t know how to talk to him anymore.) I walk up to him and say: “Het is me een waar genoegen, heer *achternaam*.” (“It is a pleasure to see you, sir *last name*.”) And kiss his hand while making a little bow. (Can’t kiss his hand and look into his eyes at the same time because then I might faint from my attraction for him.)

I find a female kissing a male’s hand quite a cool emancipation 2.0 type of thing I hope he’d understand and appreciate the humor of. And see my affection for him.

My mind then comes with endless options of how he could respond to that. I like the one where we both keep up this overly formal tone and I tell him that my uncommon behavior (having chased him in the past meow I’m ashamed) comes from being such a great Victor *last name* (moet ik nou privacy anoniem achtig doen of niet meow ik snap het niet meer 🙁 ) fan. Then I ask him if he could please please lower himself so that I could give him a kiss on his cheek and after that kiss we both lose control over the way we have been suppressing our primitive drives that make us want to mate.

As this all happens (figuratively), the following question/dilemma arises: “All kinds of “important” people can see our interaction. What influence will this have on our careers?”

The right answer to that question, according to the Fangyist philosophy is: “Fuck it. Just be yourself. Fuck “important people” if they don’t allow you to be yourself. You’ll be fine without them.”

To be continued. I’m going to take a nap. Good morning. xxx

Updated 06:35 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Good afternoon ♥

Here are the ASKfm questions I woke up to:
https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155696273184?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155663901216?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155663805728?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155700583968?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155700935456?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704434720?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704455968?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155701046304?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155701047584?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704449312?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704485664?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704489504?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704508192?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704517920?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704519456?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704510752?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704534304?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704530720?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704545312?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704583456?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704602400?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704657184?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704697120?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704689440?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704705312?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704749600?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
Ahaha one of my favorite answers

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704757792?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704765472?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
A better definition of the word “Graeyniss” (!!!)

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704610592?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704785440?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704800032?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
I want to say “Inshallah”

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704839712?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704820000?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704796192?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
Please I hope Victishe is available to me

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704850976?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

I hope you don’t mind me not adding <a href=”…” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener noreferrer”&rt; *link* </a&rt; et cetera to it. I will elaborate on the great controversy this all is and more after my shower because guests will be arriving soon xxx

Updated 15:15 (03:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

The delay will be a lil longer because I’m making myself lunch:

making lunch

I’ll be whipping ramen noodles with this. Issa classy struggle meal.

Hinting the controversy: how to educate people on how to treat each other sexually without becoming part of what I consider wrong first?

Do you understand why I feel so lonely?

Updated 16:05 (04:05 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Meanwhile guests have arrived and I’ve been socializing some. But I have so much to say about this topic meow it’s time for me to further explain why sex/intimacy is one of my greatest passions but currently also one of my greatest burdens.

With those 35 ASKfm questions about sex this afternoon, I show you the controversy I live in its purest form. That dilemma, “What influence will this have on our careers?” also includes “What influence will this have on the way people look at us?”

A female going in to public (online) sex offers is considered a taboo everywhere. All of those people reaching out to me to masturbate behind their screens keep themselves anonymous for a reason. But if I don’t display this publicly, though I’m extremely ashamed of it and it feels disrespectful to myself it hurts, some people who really are important to me won’t know what type of culture is dominating the internet.

I don’t think that the creators of ASKfm and other social networks intended their platforms to become a place for sex offerings and sex requests. EVEN ON FUCKING WORDFEUD one of my (Dutch(! (Dutch directness and online sex creeping is one of the worst most offensive combinations ever))) opponents asked me if I like white dick. The internet has so much to offer but this is what it’s mostly used for, which is so very disappointing it fuels my disgust. It’s one of the reasons why, when I mentioned observation in my first Passion post, I said that I want to be able to track people. I want ASKfm, Twitter and (most importantly) Strato to show me which IP addresses are watching me (anonymously), for Planet Fang (and who to assassinate) purposes. It’s also one of the reasons why I so often say that I want to move to a secluded place and change my number and not be reachable by people like this anymore.

Regarding to those 35 questions; I hope that in my compliance (which hurts my heart) and the thick layer of sarcasm, you can see that I’m trying to have some influence. I really hope that I can have at least a tiny bit of influence in getting women treated with more respect when it comes to sex.

Those questions are one of the few ways through which I can make myself heard on a larger scale. It hurts me that it’s almost only about sex, because I’m so much more than that I hope that you know that my love, but at least I can get people to listen to me in this way. 😢

I have never opened up about the way I feel about how I’m harrassed online. It feels like quite a step.

The great controversy is that I find it wrong to make sex and intimacy things that happen (almost only) via the internet, but simultaneously the internet is the greatest source of information so I just need to locate myself where I can have the loudest voice.

I’m trying to show you how to make someone feel genuinely loved. But I can’t force real love. It’s something I’ve lost hope for. The world is dominated by heartless demons who may all fucking die. That’s why love is not even on my list of passions. 🙁

My greatest problem in my openness and compliance is that I don’t put enough emphasis on how fucking much I HATE IT when people use imperative voice on me and how disrespectful most questions I get are. Seriously: “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?”

To recap this passage:

Twitter DM screenshot

It’s a Dutch person I said “Yess I need a recent example anyway”

Again I hate to do what an imperative voice said, but if I wouldn’t show you this then you wouldn’t know. I really wonder how other women go about this. I always stay polite but this is so controversial. By “I’m good” I’m trying to politely say “Please stop this.” If someone would say that to me in real life, passionately, my heart would melt. But online it’s all same shit different day to me. And every time it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 😢

There should be political attention for this. This should be just as illegal as calling women out on the street.

I’m afraid that if I’d speak up against all of this people I’d lose all of my followers and have no one to talk to anymore. I fear that they’d all try to take revenge on me or even try to physically harm me. But simultaneously I’ve always wanted to choke/beat someone to death so fucking bring it on.

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155705263392?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155705042464?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155704894496?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
Wat een kutopmerking

https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155707650080?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android

Apart from my family and acquaintances, these are the only people who talk to me. I feel like Tom Hanks talking to Wilson in Cast Away. I crave for intellectual conversation so much but the people I talk to don’t have that capacity. 🙁 My contact information is all over the internet, and I hope that people would approach me for my thoughts about revolution, but it’s all about fucking sex. 😢

I wish I were unapproachable on the public web and have uplifting like-minded friends I could cuddle with, with whom I’d live in seclusion and peace. Planet Fang. But if I’m not approachable I can’t find the intelligent friends I need.

When it comes to me moving to Antwerp, I genuinely fear for my life. I always get chased by people of whom I think: “What makes you think I’d ever be attracted to you…?” I don’t know anyone who could protect me when I can’t protect myself. 😢

I love sex and am very passionate about intimacy. Still this is one of my greatest burdens because there’s currently only one person I genuinely find sexually attractive. (I apologise if you find this uncomfortable to read if you read this, Victishe. 🙁 ) Furthermore I get loveless dispassionate sex offers literally every single day, which I use to teach how I find people should treat their sex partners. I wish people would reach out to me for my intelligence but it’s always about my body. 🙁 I hope to succeed in creating a larger discussion about online sex culture. When it comes to me moving abroad by myself and having no defense against people wanting to get in my pants, I fear for my life. 🙁

So, this far, my passions from most satisfied to most unsatisfied, I’ve listed:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation
  3. Food
  4. Creativity
  5. Sex/Intimacy

The next topic on my list is information. More about that later.

Updated 20:37 (08:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

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Passion 3 [Friday, July 26, 2019]

Heysss I’m all yours now my meowww 😻

Taxes x_x

The dishes are handwashed and my tax report for the second quarter of 2019 has been submitted. I’m just glad that it’s done. The numbers are really fucked up. 😢 I run this business from my personal account and have suffered a personal loss of €11.370. It always surprises me how much all of my little transactions are in total. 

A fixed income through a student loan when I become a full-time student in September is the easiest and most time-related suitable way to build up healthy finance (including being able to build up savings) that could lead to greater future revenue (since it includes a degree), though I’ll have to pay the finance back (what I’ve received in the past I need to pay back anyway so I really need a greater income aka degree 🙁 ) would be a good temporary solution to my financial leak that is mostly caused by my income (the €200 allowance I get from my mother for which I’m thankful and extremely disappointed in my father) that is exactly as high as my most important personal bills and leaves no further healthy spending or saving opportunity. One business expense or metro ride (which could have been considered a business expense too but my revenue is a joke) and I’m adding to my loss. Plus I really don’t like to ask for my money back, when I, for example, do grocery shopping for my family. (I’d save so much by moving to Antwerp…)

What is cool is that I make revenue in dollars. Though it’s just $6.92 on book sales, I’m kind of proud of it, considering my location and financially not even being able to travel to any place where dollars are the main currency. The $6.92 is all revenue I’ve made in the entire quarter meow but it’s still better than being bossed around…

Even in my former tax reporting, since 2016. I’ve been doing favors. This is my second time reporting for a tax back over business expenses. Only €271 of the €11.370 have been business expenses. A €57 tax back is nothing (especially compared to what my father is doing) compared to my loss, but for what I can actually spend (basically always nothing) it makes a huge difference. I hope the tax agency will come and raid my house for our odd financial behavior because that will give me so much space to breathe. 

Really, almost everyone in my social environment claims that honest tax reporting is useless because “no one does that”. But I don’t believe that I’m the only fool? I really wonder how large a percentage of the population reports tax 100% honestly. (Another research question I’d like to see answered.) If we all don’t treat the system fairly then it always fails. There is something about this on my listing of passions from satisfied to unsatisfied as well. I’ll elaborate on that further when I get there, then.

Where were we?

The part of my list we’ve discussed, started off with the one passion/desire that is fully satisfied:

  1. Distraction
    I need distraction to hide thoughts and feelings until the dust has settled. There are so many distractions available to me that I even have distractions for my distractions, so I’m fully satisfied. 🙂

I’d like to comment on this that distraction shouldn’t be mistaken for running away from confrontation. And that no one should tell you otherwise. It’s far from the same. People have told me that the thoughts and feelings I had been distracting myself from and not discussed with them, is me running away from shit. Then, following their “advice” I suddenly started to open up about things that I didn’t even want to have on my mind. It made me lose all of my friends, because I became open about the most awful and serious topics people don’t even know how to respond to. Unless it becomes a physical limitation, don’t talk about the things you really don’t want to think about.

  1. Observation
    The “Big Brother is watching you” idea, severed by the way I personally use the internet (including my websites of course), feels in my favor and I love being watched out of passion. I’m very passionate about being someone else’s passion. It can never be enough my meoww I want to mean the world to you.
    The other way around, I like that I’ve found a way to observe global developments of my interest in an objective manner and deduct my own subjective view from that. Though I’m still stuck with the big question of where all of this national and international political tension is leading to.
  2. Food
    Restaurant dinners with stimulating taste experiences I gladly experience about one week per month. I’m very happy that my parents have this eating habit, because I find it very important to eat varied and am not always able to afford that for myself. This is further limited by the type of foods that are made available to consumers in this country. Restaurants (basically) have endless options when it comes to importing foods, consumers don’t. So I’m happy that I can eat varied but bothered by the limitation thereof.
  3. Creativity
    Like observation, my passion about creativity works in two ways. I love the music (and sometimes political) suggestions I’ve been receiving, for the way it’s renewing, it’s in accordance with my own views and ancient classical elements relive…

Creativity (continued)

It really bothers me that the creativity that really is new, is never as embraced as traditional creativity. It seems like the cause for creativity always being re-invented within the same boundaries. But it’s probably also a matter of taste. To me, a Eurovision Song Festival is nice once, but when the same concept with artists making statements and every country giving points, is repeated every year, the stagnation in creativity is, so to say, not a nice experience for me. I desire more creativity that is truly new. A truly new type of music festival. Or maybe even the successor of the concept of a concert in general.

When it comes to my own creativity, I’m very happy that I have my web domains and Twitter account where I can express my creativity in endless ways. (And when, in September, programming is part of my curriculum in the first semester, I see a chance to develop a D.O.C.I.S. International app (for I already have a little programming knowledge and now my studies will get me a chance to refresh and add to that knowledge), which will add to my creativity and the size of my audience yays. 🙂 ) I didn’t have those media before.

But every day I also get more ideas for the large projects I have in mind. Unfortunately the lack of finance and my very limited network are the reason why these ideas just stay ideas. Sometimes I’m happy that I can write my ideas out in my diary – hoping that no one steals them – but it’s very frustrating that all of these ideas just stay ideas. It seems a matter of patience though, if a few titles in front of my name could get me what I am trying to work towards without those titles…

I’m very tired of monotonous one-size-fits-all creativity and the way my lack of money is why I’m not showing my creativity at its full potential. But what we do have is something that comforts my heart. I really wouldn’t know how I’d stay sane without the musicians and political voices I have been mentioning.

There are three more themes on my list. We’re getting closer and closer to all passion and (currently) no satisfaction. Here is a passion that is more unsatisfied than satisfied:

Sex / Intimacy

The topic is mentioned as sex/intimacy because I consider these topics separate. Sex can be an experience that feels very impersonal (speaking from unfortunate experience). Vice versa, you can be intimate with someone without having sex with him/her.

I crave for passionate and very intimate sex. Simultaneously, sometimes I feel very attracted to someone, but prefer intimacy that doesn’t include sex. Just a tender embrace and some flirtatious conversation can be enough sometimes. Sometimes…

Excusez moi, my family is coming to stay over here for the weekend and we’re going to eat at a restaurant in about an hour – according to our schedule. Currently my stomach is howling though so I’m going to eat a little snack and get ready for dinner… I hope to be able to get back to you soon enough because I love this topic and you. 😀 

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Updated 18:55 (06:55 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

I think this is random but right for a steakhouse? Haha I feel a bit buff for this model tho

See my tan? 😀

Ahaha this filter makes me feel like a baddie

My face when someone thinks I’ll make a mistake

steakhouse Heiloo

Me currently… This prosecco is so nice yays. 😻 I’ll be eating the soup of the day (union soup) and rib-eye steak.

Unfortunately the continuance of my list is already stagnated by this dinner. 🙁 But meowww this Fangs needs rare meat. 😻

Updated 22:07 (10:07 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

starter yays

Union soup meoww. It may have been more unionny but it was still very nice. 🙂 I have a good recipe for union soup too by the way l haven’t shown you yet. There are very few things I haven’t shown you yet. 🙂

main course

Rib-eye, spinach pie and truffle gravyay 😀

rareness of rib-eye

Rare yays it was such tasty meat 😻

The owner gave us free ice cream 😀 😀 😀

I’m back in the room with fish curtains now. I totally forgot that my sister is in London to visit a friend this weekend. So currently it’s just my parents and I.

Tomorrow, I was told during dinner, my parents’ friends from Amsterdam will be visiting and my aunt and cousin will come to stay here until about Tuesday. Many days of chatter and laughter coming up.

For a while I’ve been thinking: do I want to seek more social contact(s) and live the type of life I used to live, or do I want more isolation? The one-and-a-half day by myself here made me realize that I am so very good by myself. What is missing is a place where I can be by myself in a place where I can’t “even” hear the neighbors talk. (My problem in general is the topics of conversation I endure.) Some place where I can take a walk without feeling the need to greet the – compared to the city few – people I walk past with an awkward “Hi,” thinking: “Will I get a “hi” back or be ignored?”

I really feel like a tamed vampire…

Meow unfortunately currently too tired to continue about this topic I’m so very passionate about. I mean I could quickly type some things about it, but I love this topic so much that I really want to take my time to make elaborate statements on this. I find it an important topic to share my views about, too, because I find that the majority of people are very poorly educated when it comes to sex and intimacy. Especially when it comes to the ways in which we should treat each other.

I’ll be back here later. Hopefully I’ll have my new post (even better entire list) finished before people start pouring in.

Good night my Catje ♥


(Personality is the only reason why I’d ever refuse a date. Anything else really doesn’t matter. Even if I’m not sexually attracted to the person asking me out, I’d still go on that date…)

Updated 00:21 (12:21 AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

xxx

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Passion 2 [Thursday, July 25, 2019]

Heysss ♥

Welcome back to my list of passions and desires. 🙂

Tuesday I promised to show you more pictures of where I’m staying once I’m alone, so here they are:

The front yays where I currently eat my dinners, curtains open so that you can see the further surroundings in the reflection of the window and also see inside.

Where my sister and I slept the last time we were here over 10 years ago

Where I slept the first two nights because my mother and grandmother were sleeping in the main bed

Main bedroom yays where I slept last night and will be sleeping when my family isn’t visiting

All I need is a bed, a bathroom and a stove yays I can make myself at home anywhere in the end. Though I strive towards luxury. 🙂

Hallwyays

A gem 🙂 . An old map of North Holland (and my Sun hat yays hehe)

I just washed the remainder of yesterday’s dishes and ate my cruesli. Now I’ll take a quick shower, tidy that one room that is messy with all my stuff in it, install myself underneath the parasol here until after the Sun has reached its peak hotness, show you more of my list, flip a pancake, cycle some and find another place to write again. My dinner will be left-overs haha…

My list of passions/desires from most satisfied to most unsatisfied consists of 7 topics. I’m doing it in that order because I think people are more interested in severe emotions and I want to keep your attention until the very end of my list (and beyond). 🙂

This far we’ve had:

  1. Distraction
  2. Observation

These might not sound like the most basic things to add to the list, but who likes being basic anyway? Basic things like sex are on my list as well. So you can already see that I’m not quite satisfied when it comes to that.

Observation is already more than I could ask for, but to me that’s never enough – especially because I want to be royalty meowww – so that’s why it’s item 2. 🙂

What’s on your list?

Please share your list with me. 🙂 ♥ 

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Updated 12:30 (PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

As I told you yesterday, I’m trying to cut down on phone usage.

Food

1/2

My lunch

2/2



I’m going to cycle to the quieter beach now. 🙂

Updated 16:23 (04:23 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~


I dived into the water right when I arrived at the beach. 🙂

That was a tangent…

Creativity

1/2

2/2

I’ll be cycling back now. 🙂

Updated 18:50 (06:50 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Meoww having you read off an image doesn’t feel right. 🙁 And so does having my phone in my hands all the time, updating this website.

Meow owning a Fangyist magazine would be one of the best ways to broadcast my propaganda, which would also solve the problem that I’m making you spend so much time behind a screen as well. I mean look at how many posts this blog has. 🙁

But until I’m there – and I’m taking a little detour for I will become a specialist in all forms of mathematics touching on every field and then broadcasting (and teaching) the revolution thereof – this diary is the way I’m trying to keep your attention… That I’m limited by finance is another reason why I’m unsatisfied by my own creativity.

To continue about this in analog writing is uncomfortable for the both of us, so tomorrow I will – costly solution 🙁 – type on my laptop and use my phone as a mobile hotspot. I look forward to the day my days will mainly consist of determining and explaining protocols and have experts do their jobs…

How’s the creation of your list going? Are we feeling the same way about our passions and desires? Are you interested in publicly listing it in general? Why or why not?

There’s no pressure at all in any of this though. We’re on a holiday here meowww and I always have so many ideas that threre is not enough time to put them all in practice. Especially because I don’t know anyone I could do this together with… But I strongly believe that that will all change.

Me after the cold shower I had taken right after coming back to the cabin:

Soup on stove

I like warming my food without a microwave 🙂

Soup ready to be eaten

Soup yaysss

Main pasta yays I was crazy hungry…

And I must confess that I’m a bit addicted to watching Thierry Baudet videos on YouTube…
Ohh that reminds me of two tweets I posted earlier today:

I just love defending creativity I appreciate a lot so much… And I love Thierry but I haven’t read the article because subscribing to that magazine would be spending money I should be saving for Antwerp… 🙊 (Which should be a crime meow it’s less than €10 or something… But still I have no income meow grrr I can’t wait until I’m a full-time student…) Still I’m very curious of its actual content though haha…

Meoww my list of passions continues tomorrow, starting off with further explaining why I believe creative minds are being limited by today’s culture and why finance causes the dissatisfaction I get from my own creativity.

[My head is tired from generating text my meow but I can’t quit because I don’t want to lose you and how could I tell you I’d like some time off while the explanation of that takes so much text to generate haha help 😵 I need people and I won’t quit yays please don’t leave me. :D]

See you tomorrow. ♥ Oh later today I see, not “tomorrow”. It’s already past twelve. 😅

Ciaooo xxx

Updated 00:09 (12:09 AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

– xxx –

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Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections

Passion [Wednesday, July 24, 2019]

Good afternoon ♥

This is one of those days where what I’ll do today is not diverse enough to devote a diary day theme to it, so I devote it to the theme or feeling that has the most influence on my heart at the moment I start writing the post.

My mind is distressed and simultaneously kept sane by different types of passion. Mischief, unachieved goals and unsatisfied desires keep me awake at night; my causes of the feelings of guilt that come with sin, weighing me down, while they’re not even great sins.

Luckily I’m working towards the achievement of my goals and I find some satisfaction of the mental challenge I need in keeping up this blog. And I’m very happy that you have been returning here after having seen this web domain of mine for the first time. 🙂 Hopefully you can relate to this theme (as well). It’s not my first time mentioning it, but I believe it’s my first time devoting a post to it.

(Haha I say “I believe” like I’ve written this entire blog not sober and have no idea what I’ve been writing. But it’s more because this theme has occurred on my blog so very often and it has influenced me so much that it’s almost unthinkable that I’ve never devoted a post to it like this. Yet still it’s true. (I remember what I write. 🙂 ))

This post will be a map of my passions and desires listed from most satisfied to most nagging. I’ll write this through the day. Currently I’m at the same beach as yesterday, this time only with my mother and grandmother. My feet are burning in the sand.

See how they changed color in the Sun? 🙂

I painted my nails white yesterday. It has been quite a few years since I’ve done that. Someone I once spoke to via Twitter (and then got blocked 🙁 ) told me that all-white nail polish would look nice on me. It was basically the first time that I received a suggestion from a heterosexual male about what to do with my appearance that was something I hadn’t thought of myself. I love getting creative suggestions like that. 🙂 And – though I don’t do it as well as people at nail salons do – I like it. 🙂

This brings me to my most satisfied desire:

Distraction

There are endless ways in which I can distract myself from thoughts/feelings I don’t want to have. Most often I do this by writing/blogging and by talking to/chatting with other people.

Even when a common distraction becomes the reason why I need more distraction, I find a satisfying distraction. An example of this is when people tell me “You really shouldn’t have put this or that in your diary.” Then I feel bad about myself for a while, because I don’t write for dissatisfaction; still I never take away what I have written because that would go against my principles. It would be an endless discussion in which I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall if I’d explain why my written perception of life somewhere in a far corner of the public web should stay untouched by the dissatisfaction of others. Especially because they can loathe about me to their friends and I don’t have people who understand my view like mine in my close social environment (as far as I know) so this blog is of very high emotional value. I always tell them “Sue me, then,” but they never do. Then I write some on pen and paper or watch some television with my relatives and after a while feel that even though someone may now like me less my life stays intact so I shouldn’t worry.

The next passion/desire will follow in a few. I’m going to cool off some in this alien shade of sea. (How to clean this water?) xxxxxx

Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~

In the sea, surrounded by a sea full of people, I took a moment to realize in what order I should list the rest of my passions/desires. Tomorrow I’ll be alone and I’ll take us (that’s you and I, my reader yay 🙂 ) to the beach that is quiet and only reachable if you travel by bike or walk. 🙂 I almost have my Summer tan back yays. 🙂

Distraction is my only desire that is fully satisfied. Can you relate to how I use distraction? Is distraction your most satisfied desire (so much that it’s like a passion) as well? I hope that I’m your healthy distraction. 😀

The next desire that is the most satisfied is observation. This needs some explanation.

Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

Observation

The observation I mean works in two ways.  I absolutely do not mean the “I think you’re a schizophrenic and I don’t want you to harm yourself,” unwanted type of surveillance I’ve had enough of for my entire life, I’ve been complaining about for quite some time.

I love when people observe me out of passion for who I am and what I do. Before this blog, that was already happening. With this blog, it’s even more. 🙂

Meow my battery is low so I’ll continue this later. 🙁 xxxxx

Updated 17:55 (05:55 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

I’m back yays. 🙂 Even though my phone had just 1% battery left, I had to capture a picture of the ice cream I was eating while my grandmother and I were waiting for my mother who – because it was crowded at that beach – had parked 10 minutes away (my grandmother is not that fit anymore, which is why we went to the beach available by car in the first place…):

Mango flavor, passion fruit flavor, coconut flavor and yoghurt flavor meowww 😻


This has definitely made my top 5 tastiest (and most natural tasting) ice cream yays. 🙂 Plus I find €5,20 a very fair (Dutch) price for 4 scoups, especially because it’s the first Italian restaurant selling ice you come across right after coming off the main entrance of the beach. 🙂

In everything I do and say, I take observation into consideration. Life, to me, has always felt like I’m watched every single move and every day I love it more. (This is way one out of the two ways.) I have nothing to hide. I know I’m addictive and always try my very best to please you. 🙂 I want to be your reminder that life is good.

By being watched I do not only mean the “Big Brother” idea of the government and corporate world observing people’s behavior, for which I’d love to be an example. (Not (at all necessarily) of how to do things the right way…)

I also mean the type of secret observation people with money can do. And the types of observation people with heightened senses can do. Can you imagine what intelligent people with money and hightened senses can do? 😻 I want to become part of that community my meow. 😻 Their senses telling them to keep me close is an idea I cherish so much and wish to learn sooo much more about. When I experienced brain-to-brain communication at its loudest volume I’ve been able to ask some questions. I miss that so much, my meow. 🙁 I wish we could continue our conversation and be open about all of this, without negative consequences (the whole police and schizophrenia thing that followed was quite very negative on my side of the spectrum… I don’t knoe what happend to the other side, which is like torture to have no idea of that 🙁 ).

I also love when people (most often men who are older than I) turn their heads and watch me every move when I walk by anywhere.

Being positively observed in many different ways makes me feel unique and appreciated. I love that so much. ♥

Vice versa I closely watch global developments in my own way and I observe the people who observe me as far as I’m able to.

I see the tension between left and right getting more serious every day. I see the voice of the left being voiced through established media and “”(influentiable) people and the voice of the right being voiced through expensive campaigns and through the people who are being put under media fire by the left.

I see the establishment/elite being more openly criticized by people of whom I thought that they are actually part of the elite or who should have more fire power against the establishment. I really thought that people like Thierry Baudet and Josh Hawley are people who were born into the elite. Or is this true and is the situation even more complex? Because they seem so bullied by their opponents. 🙁

I wish I had a louder voice to that I could shut their opponents up for real… When I see videos of dr. Baudet’s initiatives in de Tweede Kamer and the way he is being check-mated by the most awful strategies, I wish I had a “Der Fangs Partij” (haha remember¿) seat there so that I could support him… 🙁

The overview I have of the state of the world is based on my observation which is as objective as possible. Never do I want to read some briefing of what the world looks like, written by any overrated person who is considered “the light” of information about how the world works. I want to be that person for myself. (And so should you. 🙂 (But please let me be your Catje. 😻 ))

The only thing I really can’t put my finger on is where is this all heading to? Will the curtain be lifted and be shown that all of the tension is fake? Will this all lead to a new war in the Western world? Will I get the influence I want in this?

I honestly wish I could get access to everyone’s location and (phone/laptop/speakers/smart watch/car/anything) microphones at all time. And then do stuff with mathematics and stuff. 😻 And replace all government policies with completely new ones and stuff…

Meowsss my mother and grandmother are back to de Randstad, so I’m all alone here in Egmond now. I love how quiet it is here and how the air smells more like rural nature.

There is no wifi here and I have quite some passion/desire topics for you left, so – hoping you don’t mind – the rest of my list I’ll write with pen and paper and then post images of it in my diary. Starting tomorrow… 🙂

Tomorrow I’ll start the day off very chill and slowly, getting settled here some more. (And reporting my taxes via my phone after having checked my tax calculations on my laptop…) Read some Keynes under the parasol here in the little garden while the Sun is at its maximum, flip some pancakes… Then later cycle to the less approachable beach, hoping that it’s not as busy as the beach of Egmond aan Zee. We’ll have fun, you and I. 🙂

I’m going to drink some tea and reasin some. See you tomorrow. ♥

Updated 23:37 (11:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]

~~~

The featured image is made by Hernan Pauccara via Pexels.com

Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Beach Yays 2day [Tuesday, July 23, 2019]

The cottage/cabin is exactly how I remember it. When I was younger, everything seemed a lot bigger though. To some people, this is a shed. But it’s great meoww it’s just us Catjes and the countryside. 🙂 ♥

Next to the wall, reminds me of home haha

This is where I’ll be sleeping the coming two weeks. Some days my family will be here, some days (when they’re back to work and stuff) I’ll be alone.

A huge moth just flew into this room (so my initial reaction was to hide underneath the sheets lol). But now that I want to take a picture of it to show you it’s nowhere to be found hahaha….. Maybe it’s camera shy.  (Of course I’m joking.) Ah nature. 🙂

I’ll take pictures of the cottage/cabin (it’s not all wood but it’s a lot of wood so terminology) when the sun is up. 🙂 It’s amazing how there are items from different eras here. I’ll show you what I mean, in the morning/afternoon.

Furthermore, today will be about beach yays. And buying eggs haha. And us chilling. 😻

The featured image is made by Travis Rupert on Pexels

Good night for now ♥

Updated 02:45 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

xxx

😐

😐 😐

I want to go to sleep but it’s loudly flying against everything as if it’s drunk haha. I’d rather not touch it to make it stop bothering me though so I’m going to shut the ligt off and try to fall asleep. xxx

Updated 02:59 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

Good afternoon 🙂 ♥

You can find me here 😸

Mind you that there is no wifi here. 🙂 It’s part of the yaysss.

Hehe the TV (of which I insist that it won’t be used meow grrr) makes that high pitched noise old TV’s make. ♥

The kitchen used to be wayyy different. It’s modernized now. 🙂

There are 3 bedrooms and a bathroom I’ll show you when I’m here alone.

Staying here feels a little adventurous meow I’m loving ittt. There’s great diversity in the types of holiday destinations I’ve visited. A few years ago we spent two weeks in the British Colonial Hilton on the Bahamas. Now I’ll chill in this cabin for two weeks. 🙂 I’m a greater fan of comfort (and luxury), but can find my appreciation in everything. There’s so much nature to cycle through here and I can go to the beach every day now. 😻

Plus I love to adapt. Like in Belgium I say “u” to everyone regardless of age, here I brush my teeth in the kitchen sink. To me that’s the Dutchest thing ever haha love ittt.

I’m going to get ready. I’ll be back with my beach yays when I’m at the beach yayy. ♥ (Ahahaha my way of typing is so random but it will sound normal when I pronounce it meow I promise. 😂 )

27 degrees Celcius today. 😀

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Updated 12:33 (PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

It’s the shaded Sun Hat Fangs 😸

We’re at a fish restaurant/café now 🙂

Beach yays will follow. We’re at the touristic beach now though because the calm one isn’t reachable by bike and my grandma doesn’t cycle.

Wine

Pinot yays 😸

After I’ve eaten my “Noordzee proeverij”. 🙂

Updated 15:29 (03:29 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

Sun blue sky

The sun is shining bright 🙂

It’s the Beach Fangsss yayayay

Keynes book

My beach read 🙂

We’ll be catching some vitamin D here and later be visjes. 😀

Updated 17:15 (05:15 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

I’m losing subscribers meoow what should I do? 🙁 Reading Keynes makes me want to continue my series of articles. Though I write it to start a discussion among a various range of people and the anticipation isn’t there. That’s because I’m The Fangs, isn’t it? 🙁 Meoow that won’t change so I’ll just get some titles in front of my name and then prove that the content is the only thing that truly matters and things like names, logos, fonts, choice of color et cetera are way overrated. (Understanding a concept isn’t something that’s easy for everyone and that’s why looks/layout are overrated. But I’m tired of adapting meow. (Simplifying things further and further and further.) 🙁 Not that I’ll ever stop with that it seems…)

Updated 18:44 (06:44 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

Seriously thoughh how can I turn my concept in something that can attract a large audience? Or more preferably 3% of the world population’s most intelligent people?

Is it my fake enthusiasm? 🙁 Once I start earning my own stacks you’ll see my real yays… I think my scrutiny comes with a form of pessimism that is quite a turn-off so I’m trying to hide it and be yay already…

Can we talk about this? Please don’t leave me, my Catje. 🙁 ♥

Meanwhile I’m at the beach solo, while my mother, sister and a friend of hers are grocery shopping here and my grandmother is at a beach café because her endurance can’t bring her to the location where we settled ourselves.
What did I do to deserve this relaxation meoww part of me feels like I should have gone with?

Beach items

Beach itemsss

Lil descending Sun. Meoww I want to be able to tell the time by the Sun’s elevation. 🙂

I’ll be reading somee my battery is low now.

Updated 19:23 (07:23 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (CEST; Amsterdam)]  

~~~

Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Peace and Quiet [Monday, July 22, 2019]

The coming two weeks I’ve been looking forward to. Some peace and quiet. 😻

We’ll be relaxing in a quiet coastal area, away from the business of the city. In a simple Dutch holiday cottage. 10 minutes away from the beach (a less touristic one 🙂 ) by bicycle.

During packing

I was thinking “Will this fit?”

And it did 🙂 . I always take all of my notebooks with me when I travel…

I haven’t been there in at least 10 years! I’ve been told the home has been modernized. It’s the holiday home of friends of my mother I’ve spent a lot of time with when I was little.

Maps street view screenshot of where I learnt how to ride a bicycle

This is the parking lot there, which is also where I learnt how to ride a bicycle without training wheels when I was about 3 years old

Today, before my mother, sister and I leave (solar panels will be placed at home today so my father is coming tomorrow), I’ll show you my neighborhood’s closed sluice tunnel doors. 🙂 I don’t remember having seen them closed before, so that will be a new sight for us both. 🙂

Meowss I slept until about 10 PM yesterday, after which I ate and packed. Today I need to file my taxes before we leave! (Reminder-to-self. (There’s not much to report at all lol *cries*.))

I hope to find much more words of encouragement the coming days. I find the things I’ve been hearing, seeing and reading quite very discouraging (especially random advice quote tweets oh my god it’s so depressinggg what am I even doing on Twitter). So I’m telling myself what I need to hear without any limitations. That’s to make a long story short.

We’ll (yes that includes you my Catje 🙂
I’m taking your mind along on my “holiday” ♥ ) be relaxing. Catching up on sleep, cycling through nature, chill at the beach, make some pretty pictures and nice videos (I’m taking my camera and tripod), cook some nice dinners, game some, and more. 🙂

I might also work on the D.O.C.I.S. Store, our book club and the D.O.C.I.S. International website while I’m there… I’m taking my laptop along…….. That’s quite stressful to me, but I really want those things finished (especially before my lectures start). I might also start to freshen up my maths there…

But calm yays. 😀 I really hope you’ll actually come and visit me while I’m there. My family will be there some days – mainly on the weekends. I’ll be there alone for quite a few days.

Ah meow it would be so cool if you’d come to spend some time with me there. It would be such great fun to cycle through the coastal nature, cook together, take a long walk on the beach and drink my favorite type of brandy. 😻
It would be so sexy to do that with Victishe. 😻 Or someone like him, character wise. That’s you, my meow! We’re friends right. 😏

Cheers to the coming days (if we don’t count nature’s odd and quite alarming behavior). 😀

See you later my Catje ♥

Updated 01:52 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

xxx

Heyss ♥

Meoow we haven’t left Capelle yet. 🙁 The intention to leave at 2 PM today isn’t in sync with my sister’s hangout schedule. So we’ll probably leave in the evening. Which is also fine. Teenagers. 💁 We’re all in holiday mode. 🙂

Meanwhile I’ve taken a moment to enroll in all courses for my first year as a mathematics student at the University of Antwerp. I’m such a nerd lol. (Mind you that clicking it will influence your phone’s agenda but I don’t know exactly how because I’m pasting it here so that I can open it on my phone.) Here’s the link to my study schedule: webcal://sisaroosters.uantwerpen.be/prod/8f53657d088a48949aea2fcbea4995a6/basic.ics . I’m pasting it here because this is far cooler than sending an e-mail to myself (because Microsoft laptop and Google phone) and meoooww I share everything with you. 😀 ♥ Ahahahaha it seems like I’ll only have time for mathematics (especially because officially I’m an alpha student and this is a beta course so my brain will be stimulated in a way it isn’t often stimulated) and nothing else from September onwards, but I’ll have all January off. 🙂 Combining this with my other endeavors will be quite something. But I look forward to sharing what I learn here. 🙂

Very calming news is that my parents are willing to pay my tuition and (a part of) my rent. And I didn’t even have to beg for it. Or even ask for it. That’s such yays. 😀 Then I’ll worry about my finances sooo much less because now I’ll have so much more financial breathing space through the year.

I’m going to visit the closed sluice tunnel now to share the view of it with you. 🙂 After that we’ll be doing some grocery shopping for the holiday home and then we’ll be on our way to peace and quiet. I’ll be back in a few. xxx

Updated 17:05 (05:05 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Meoow apparently the construction workers still open the sluice tunnel for pedestrians after their work hours. Then I’ll show us what it looks like after our beach days yays.

My mother and I have just finished grocery shopping. Now she’s going to get takeout near my grandmother (her mother)’s house (plentyyyyy of options) and I’m at my grandmother’s to put her luggage in the car. (Such teamwork meoww. 🙂 ) She’s also coming along for a few days. Family beach chillings ayy haha. 🙂

Now – when the takeout is prepared – we’re going back home to eat and load the car.

This will be holiday 1/2. We’re also going to Curaçao and this time going there we’ll also do fun things like jetski-ish things yay. 😻

Updated 19:51 (07:51 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]

~~~

We’re on our way. 😻 It’s about 1,5 hour from Capelle (by car).

Grocery shopping included getting some Primark shades. My prescription shades were in a bag of mine that was stolen. To get new ones I should get a better insurance package, for which I need a higher income blah blah ramble ramble.

Look at these cool €5 shades. 😀 Meoww I’m loving them.

I couldn’t see that the sticker was on it when I took the picture though haha. 😅

The feeling of happiness has been embracing my heart all day. 🙂 The long-term I have ahead of me seems to be going in the direction I want it to go in. With the financial support of my mother/parents, I can live alone from September onwards, with no worries. 😻 The fresh start I neeeed yayayay. 😻 I’m happy my mother is supporting me and convincing my father. ♥

My blog is such a random place when it comes to the collection of my expressions of heartache. It’s not nice of me. 🙁
But it’s a non-permanent image of emotional self-development we’ll be able to laugh about when I’m old, grey and Graey looool. I can’t wait until I’m the one who people will reach out to with “Please collaborate with me” e-mails, instead of me being that Catje who chases Graeynissis. One day I will be chased meoww.

We’re almost there now. 🙂

Updated 23:10 (11:10 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]

~~~

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Empowerment [Sunday, July 21, 2019]

The empowerment I need are written words that put my mind at ease. They are separate from race, gender et cetera. It’s is about the experience of being an individual in general. We all experience the mind and the same Universe. Just being should always feel comfortable.

I want to transfer this feeling of empowerment to the both of us, my dear reader(s). The way we’ll confidently be our intelligent and creative selves and wear this the way peacocks wear their feathers. 😻

My insecurities often cause shortness of breath and I don’t want that anymoreee. (Can you relate to that?)

In this post I will state some plain you-statements in italics. This you refers to both you (I say “you” for the personal reading experience, but basically I mean everyone who reads this) and I. They’re the type of words I need to hear and maybe you do to…

You don’t need anyone’s advice. You don’t need anyone’s approval. Follow your instincts. (Everyone’s judgment is different after all. Present what you truly love, from your untouched vision and find similar minds.)

I will be making statements like this through the day. Today, meanwhile, we’ll be celebrating Lila’s 3rd birthday and I’ll be packing for my two weeks at the Dutch coast. It will be 36 degrees Celcius at the end of this week, which is crazy hot for the Netherlands… It’s still yays though I’ll be a water Catje… 😸

I’m off to beddd. I’ve been watching Rick & Morty again haha meooww.

Good night ♥

Updated 03:54 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

xxx

Heyss ♥

I was searching the right pose and creatively hiding the frizziness of my hair with a bandana hehe.

Meowww

Meyayss

😸

Have I ever showed you my keys? I’ve had a lot of keys but this one I’ve been guarding like crazy. The key ring attached to it I received from my mother. It’s made of gold. The dark blue tag is my gym access. The light blue thing is my Albert Heijn bonus card (for (personal) discounts on groceries) and the other keys are for the front door and the front shed.

I used to have keys to the houses of my grandmothers as well but the one I gave to her home nurse and the other was in a stolen bag.

I trust you, my Catje. ♥

I was a bit slow getting ready so this was my first meal of the day. 😅

Cute partyays

Sweet velvet yays

This dino theme is so awesome 😻

In a few we’ll head home and I’ll start packing for two weeks.

Last night, I said this:
You don’t need anyone’s advice. You don’t need anyone’s approval. Follow your instincts. (Everyone’s judgment is different after all. Present what you truly love, from your untouched vision and find similar minds.)
By this I mean that asking for advice isn’t wrong, but your own judgment is enough. To follow advice to get advice from someone else is an insult to your independent reasoning you don’t have to listen to. But you may, if you want to.

You have every reason to feel like a king/queen.

The best is yet to come.

Updated 16:51 (04:51 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

I’d like to tell you where my words of empowerment stem from. The reason why I need to read these italics and pretend like someone else is writing this to me. But it’s a long story and I’m quite tired so I’m going to take a nap, pack some and then I’ll be back. 🙂 xxx

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Updated 17:58 (05:58 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

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Chill Mode [Saturday, July 20, 2019]

Woww meow I slept from yesterday afternoon until now.

Good morning ♥

I feel quite rested. 😸 There’s still quite some work to do until I feel completely zen again (it has been a few years), so I’ll be working on that today. Until I feel zen, I won’t be working on my other web domains to earn something and make a name for myself. I’ll be chilling until my mind is at ease (though finances play a huuuuge role in that, I should depressurize for a while).

I hope you’ll chill along with me today. 🙂

It feels like step 1 towards mental relaxation is to create better oversight and more control. It feels like I have no control over my fate at all. That’s what I’m missing. 🙁

Meoww I’m going to eat breakfast and then I’m going to write us some calming and powerful words.

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Updated 06:49 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

My Faith

I strongly believe that in the future everything will be in balance. There will be no more suffering of any kind.

This is achievable because of the dreams and intelligence people have. The world knows many pioneers and one day we will be working together side by side, without any limitations. We will create a healthy balance in this world.

Never distrust your instincts. They are giving you signals for a reason. They too want to see the world at peace and see you happy and safe.

[Speaking to myself, I hope this doesn’t apply to you:] Your instincts might have misled you once or even a few times. (Learn to) retrust them. They should function independent from your reasoning, otherwise you’ll end up overthinking and make decisions influenced by incorrect predictions. Follow the prediction of your instincts and follow the way your instincts want you to anticipate on that. (And disregard the negative judgment of people whose instincts aren’t developed the way yours are.)

Trusting your instincts and letting them guide you well, without any limitation or hesitation, comes with a liberating experience of life. The Universe is at balance and that balance becomes more perfect every day. Everything – even the bad things – happens for a reason. One day we will all eternally live completely without suffering. Without knowing the feeling of suffering, we won’t know what true liberation feels like.

Trust your instincts, reason when your instincts are at rest and let emotions be.

I’m agnostic, though I secretly believe that I can explain the concept of the idea or experience of God / the Universe without conforming myself to any religious institution.

“Secretly” I say, because in the phase where I openly said that I identified myself as a prophet, through free interpretation of what I was taught during bible study, many people have tried to silence me and eventually “they succeeded”. (Now I put everything on my public private web domains and speak of it only there unless people ask me questions about my writing. 😏 )

I strongly believe that I will somehow recieve the opportunity to guide global change at a young age and live free from financial, physical and emotional suffering.

To guide global change, you need a propagandist (to spread the message), a scientist (to check the facts and ensure safety), a political policymaker (to make it legally official) and a business policymaker (to implement the change). With what I do, I intend to become all those people in one.

Please interview me. 😀

Updated 14:50 (02:50 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

My senses have always told me that I’m unsafe at home. My past few years were a confirmation of this. Unfortunately it has also shown me that the experts who could save me can be crooked as well. This all feeds my reticence. But meanwhile I’m still subtly saving my mind from the negative influence on my senses.

I’m very glad that people have been raising awareness on financial abuse and fraud. Words can’t explain how much I appreciate that financial abuse is acknowledged as a common issue.

In my reality it seems almost unthinkable that people see their family once a week, twice a month or even twice a year. But when I’ve moved to Antwerp I will be one of those people.

I believe that one day pioneers will be rewarded and frauds will be punished in my name. And that everyone is either one of those people.

It’s not just one thing I stand for and believe in. Unless you look at it from the perspective that everything is one and I am everything. Then I stand for everything.

Financial insecurity is weighing me down so much that I can’t ignore it and I can’t enter chill mode for 100%. I’m a student (at two universities) now, but a roof above my head, the ability to pay my tuition and even my right to receive a study loan are not guaranteed at all.

I’m currently home alone but my family will be back for the dinner I’ll make them. It’s Saturday after all.

I’ve been nude in bed with the blinds closed all day – I love doing that so much it’s just liberating. But now I’ll freshen up and get to dinner preparations.

Focusing on things like cutting is quite relaxing as I’m trying to find the balance between reason and instincts. I mean “They threaten our safety so kill them,” is also the continuous nudge of my senses but I don’t give in to it. Reason says it will lead to a further limitation of my freedom. But is this true when I’d save the government a lot of work? They’re losing an unnecessary amount of money on this household and I’m the only person useful to them.

Anyway some cold water over my body will get me back in chill mode haha.

Turn on push notifications to be nudged for some later (written) live cooking yays. 😸

Updated 18:36 (06:36 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Meoww I re-tried my new bikini on because I wasn’t certain if it actually fits me well.

But I love it meowww 😻

Though I shouldn’t play volleyball in this because it’s not that firm. Haha but then again maybe I should for that exact same reason. 😂

Dinner Yays

We’ll be eating lamb chops from the oven and a salad with baked potatoes, tomatoes, mergez sausages and feta cheese in it.

My marinade consists of hoisin sauce, baharat, thyme, five spices, ras al hanout and minced galic

They’re massaged in on both sides and topped with some extra thyme and butter yays

Part 2 yays

They go into a pre-heated oven like this, on 175 degrees celcius

Salad preparationssss

Updated 20:56 (08:56 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

The salad is of lamb’s lettuce and the dressing is of yoghurt, a little mayonaise, oregano, smoked paprika powder, baharat, ginger syrup and thyme.

Yaysss meanwhile I’m eating some more salad 🙂

I’m loving it my meowww.

Ah meow I want to elaborate on empowering our joint reality. 😻 I’ll reason out some more words yay.

By the way, I’ll be chilling in a lil holiday home of acquaintances from coming Monday until August 4th. In Egmond aan Zee. 🙂 That’s why I purchased the bikini. I’m hoping for a lot of Fangyist fun and will be taking my camera along. It will be 30+ degrees so beach yays. 😀 (And I hope that – since from Monday onwards the tunnel to the metro station will be closed – I won’t have to worry about rising water levels…)

Updated 22:39 (10:39 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

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Antwerpiyays 😸 [Friday, July 19, 2019]

In French, it is Anvers. In Dutch/Flemish it’s Antwerpen. I woke up to the word Antwerpiyays, so in Cuddle, Fangyism’s official dialect, it’s Antwerpiyays now. 😸

Though I rarely speak this dialect of mine… Only when I feel comfortable and cuddly, somewhere far into a conversation, I might unveil my inner Fangyist. She’s still vulnerable and developing. Getting a bachelor’s degree, though in conflict with my principles this society doesn’t acknowledge extraordinary intelligence without one so I have no choice, is a great step in this process. To find and teach new information and revolutionize our society with this.

I’ll be in Antwerp from 11:15 until about 14:45, to finish my admission at the University of Antwerp and do a little Summer shopping.

Around something to twelve, I woke up from the nap I took after eating my salad and watching an episode of Stranger Things with my younger sister. I felt a lot less tired than before and printed out the document I need to take with me to finalize my admission.

Then I felt like eating pancakes with apple, raisins, vanilla and cinnamon, so I made two of them.

making pancakes 1

My mother made this for me very often when I was little

making pancakes 2

Some panned yays

making pancakes 3

Mid-eating yaysss

Meanwhile I followed some “#NLintheUSA” diplomacy and senator Hawley’s speech on conservatism. All yays. Though I find that Dutch collector’s item flag very controversial and hoped to hear something about the history of New York, and maybe a link between African Americans and the Dutch.
And I learnt that the conservative view of change is quite similar to mine, but from a very different angle. I don’t have a country I proudly represent as part of my identity. Most of “my country” does not understand me. (“My country” is just as much the Netherlands as it is Suriname.)
I could much relate to his statements about cosmopolitanism. Though it makes me feel a little unwelcome. 🙁

Then, while eating my pancake, watched Jinek on television, where the Dutch pro- and anti-Trump (something that is always annoying to me because how can Dutch people be so anti-Trump while he’s not even their president). And where was said that the Eurovision Song Festival next year might be held in Rotterdam… Fam… The Netherlands has no space for such a huge festival anywhere. I will flea this country when it’s held for sure… Thank me later because that will mean one individual in traffic less hahaha.

Meowss I’m going to rest some. My alarm goes at 07:50 AM.

I hope you’ll be following me today. 🙂 I have a lot of time to blog today. 😀 Just like in the other coming few days, because I will continue to do “nothing” as long as my brain feels like continuing to develop my other web domains is too much.

Good night for now. ♥

Updated 02:25 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

xxx

Good morning 🙂 ♥

My first alarm went off at 07:50, haha… I snoozed it until about 08:25, because I was still quite tired. But now I’m in the metro, on my way to catch my train. 🙂 I’ll be on time haha yay.

How was your night? 🙂

I hope you’re taking moments to pause and think about yourself, when I ask you questions. 🙂

Meoww be right back. I have to switch metros. xxx

Updated 09:39 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Kaasstengel

My breakfast ahahahaha….

Getting up at 07:50 would have left me enough time to flip some pancakes, but now I didn’t even have time to apply highlighter to my face…

But anyway meoww the train is riding yays. 😀

Ahahaha fingers crossed that they won’t suddenly ask me to pay my tuition on the spot or something…

The main reason why I’m choosing an “exact science” is because there my alternative logic can’t get in the way as much. In Mathematics there’s only one correct answer – or multiple but at least – you have to explain your logic in symbols of which the meaning is universal. There’s a lot less room for miscommunication. In non-exact sciences factors like political stance and background can influence the way your answer is reviewed. It’s alwaysss the main reason why I used to fail classes. So by choosing Mathematics I’m avoiding that. I look forward to it. 🙂

Even more to what I want to be doing with it after I have graduated a few times more. 😻 Secretly I wish I could start doing acknowledgable research already… There should be faster routes to that my meoww there’s a great shortage on Graeynissis anyway… 🙊 (But then again a shorter route could mean loss of quality? So then higher quality standards?)

Meoow there are technical difficulties with the main locomotive, so we’re standing still… I hope I’ll be at the university before 12:30 PM… 😅

I feel like taking a nap… Hehe my timezone will say Brussels later. 😀

Updated 10:29 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Yayss we’re back on near full speed again. 🙂 Now I’ll be there at around 11:45 instead of 11:15. At least the train is operating well. Plus hearing Dutch with a French and Belgian accent is sexy meoww take your time. 😻 (Okay not too much because if I don’t make it to the university in time then I have to do this exhausting travel again hehe…)

It’s about a 10-minute walk to the city campus from the main station. So I think I’ll be good still…

Haha meooow earlier today, while I was getting ready, I suddenly saw this automated payment notice of €82 for a VPN license. I thought: “Nooo not nowwwww! Money is tight enough already.” I just cancelled the subscription. It feels like I’m exposed enough already to mask my online identity. Plus I have nothing to hide so I don’t even really care if everyone knows “all my secrets”. It would make everything easier actually. 🙂 (As long as my openness isn’t used for evil practices…)

Ah meoow I said “I hope to see you there”, but unfortunately I don’t know what yous I’m speaking to and I always walk around with my earplugs in, doing everything as quickly as possible…

How can we spend some quality time together¿ 🙊

I’m at Breda now. 🙂

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Updated 11:28 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

My meoow I might not be in the university on time and I don’t like calling to ask if they want to wait until I’m there. 😢

I’ll be at Antwerpen Centraal at 12:16. 😔

(I really need a room from September onwards instead of October. There’s no way I can have this when I have lectures.)

Updated 11:43 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

The next stop is Antwerp yayss… It’s funny how vegetation is so different right across the border.

Meoww I’m to cool to sprint to the university but maybe I should… Otherwise this is a waste of €50 and a lot of time and effort… 😅

Updated 12:08 (PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Brussels)]

~~~

Yayss officially, I’m a student at the University of Antwerp now. 😸

I can see myself live in Belgium for sure. 🙂 I like the hospitality in the Dutch that is spoken here more than what is spoken in de Randstad (mid-coast of the Netherlands).

I bought a lil bathing suit as well, in the meantime. And ate a Subway sandwich… The first store I dived into after Subway was the Hunkemöller, where they didn’t have my size unfortunately. But at the H&M I did succeed. 🙂 After that I’ve been searching for something Belgian to take home, aside from my enrollment papers. But without any luck… It’s something like a pen, notebook or piece of clothing from a local store I was looking for. Some other time then. 🙂 It would be even cooler to get some local Graeyniss tour, like a B tour. In French. 😋

After my unsuccesful search for something Belgian to take home [chocolate will be finished before I get home so…], I thought of checking out the campus where I’ll have most of my lectures. But that idea came too late. I wouldn’t make my train, then. So I decided to chill at the zoo entrance until about when my train comes. Which is about now xxx.

Updated 14:30 (02:30 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Brussels)]

~~~

My phone connection has been acting up, but I think I can share my still life pictures now:

The scenery already makes me feel like yays. Finally an occupation my brain finds more yays than an office job or sitting at home. 🙂


I was glad that I could finish my admission right away, even though I was late. There was a chance that I would have had to come back at 2 PM (luckily no words about coming back another day at all).

Now I have login credentials and I’ll get a student e-mail address haha. 🙂 (Ik ben echt blij meoww. Ik was aan het doodgaan van verveling voor +2 jaar ofzo en hier is tenminste geen gezeik met toelatingseisen en veel lessen in kleine klasjes enzo… Yays. 🙂 )

Subway sandwich

My standard order at Subway is a steak & cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes (and sometimes jalapenos), with chipotle sauce

Antwerp Zoo

Where I was chilling… At the entrance of the zoo of Antwerp. It was the most calm place I could find close to the central station within the short time I had left.

Is yays 😀

My lil bikini 😸

I thought of making a picture with my new bikini on, but I’m such a hairy Catje currently meow. 🙈

A hardcover notebook was what I spent most of my time searching, without any luck. So that’s what I’ll get when I’m in Rotterdam, which is in about 20 minutes. 😂 (Does that mean that there’s market for D.O.C.I.S. notebooks in Antwerp? 🤔 )

My phone will be in extreme power saver mode, so my next update will be here for you when I’m home. 😘

Updated 15:35 (03:35 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Zo liep ik er de hele dag bij. Ik voeg een getailleerd overhemd aan mijn lijstje toe…


I entered bathrobe mode right after getting inside. My father left not long after I came home. I ate a salad (bought two yesterday) and made this picture:

The yays I’ve purchased. I loveeeee Leuchtturm notebooks 😻

Now I’m going to be sleeping again meowww I’m so tired I can drop my phone out of my hands at any second. 😴

Audiyayence &#1F63B;

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See you later. ♥ 😘

Updated 17:35 (05:35 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

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Hmmm… Let’s do Nothing :D [Thursday, July 18, 2019]

I guess we don’t enjoy looking ahead. It’s important, though. But I’ll save it for when we really have to, then.

According to my statistics, yesterday’s post was not an enjoyable read

I didn’t enjoy yesterday that much either. To get to the point where I own this big broadcasting center (of books, magazines, entertainment videos, entertaining audio, and actual news broadcasts), own large parts of land world-wide and provide them with living facilities [get itt subtly building my own countryay 😀 ] – using mathematics for translating all changes and policies et cetera to the large scale – I just wanted to start setting everything up with my personal funds budget of almost nothing. That’s why I’m selling books and essays and setting up the D.O.C.I.S. Store et cetera. I need funds to get there. The type of funds not many investors dare to gamble with. So I’ve been doing everything myself for crazy long. My brain is refusing to continue working, because the results wouldn’t be what they would be if I were in charge of a (little) team, instead of doing everything by myself.

I’m just letting it all go for now. (Aside from the schematized version of FangCatje that I want to have to have sent before I drive to Amsterdam tomorrow.) My brain wants rest and I want to be your full-time entertaining distraction through the day. The wild fun Catje you come to visit every day, here in this far corner of the public web. 🙂

We’re going to be chilling today my meoow. I’ve been putting myself under so much pressure for something people won’t anticipate on anyway. According to the guidelines of the Dutch government, for example, this is a domain that can’t be trusted. Is it because I’m black? 🙁

Haha just kidding.(???)

Meoow I wish I were paid per blog visitor or something…

But anywayyy fun thoughts. 😀 My brain has a lot of fun thoughts as well meoow.

Like that the money from my savings account has been transferred to my debit account already and that I have my train tickets now yays. 🙂 I can’t afford to spend the night there, unfortunately, so it will be a short day trip. I need to take my fatigue into consideration… So (ah unfortunately my meow 🙁 ) I’ll be in Antwerp from about 11:15 until 14:45 this Friday…. I can take a (few) trains later home in case I find some affordable fun. But unfortunately not even a romantic dinner for one (I miss companionship even more though) when I’m there. I’ll be doing all of that in September though. 🙂

Look at me take that little self-security leap of faith again the way I always do. Meow I love gambling with my life ahahahaha help it’s just boredom.

Ah meooow I’m going to finish my self-analysis for my therapist tomorrow, then head over there and after that I will be chilling like a wild Catje on fluff. What I’ll be doing…? We’ll find out together my meow it has been a long time ago that I considered D.O.C.I.S. International finished-ish and gave myself some space to breathe. Now I’ll just quit all deadlines and see wherever fate takes me because all of this web development and book writing and stuff has made me feel like I deserve some time to rest.

I absolutely hate that I haven’t earned a single coin with all of that soul tearing effort. 🙁

Meoww I’m going to sleep. I’ll want to finish my analysis and will then have to drive for two hours there and back, so I really need this rest. See you later my meowww. 🙂 (Right right right right? 😀 What do I need to do to cause this?)

Good night ♥

Updated 01:41 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

xxx

Heys cute Catje of mineee 😀 ♥

How’s your day? 🙂
I type that to show you that I’m very curious about the things you do and the things that are on your mind. It’s such a simple question that is most often answered with “Good” or “Great” or something. But I like using that question to get someone to unveil his/her personality. Unfortunately I can’t ask any further questions here – for the comment section is not used for that (yet?) – and my cookie settings aren’t that good yet that I can give you fully personalized questions. I can’t wait until I’m ProfFangs. 😀

I’ll be showing myself to you here, hoping that you will do the same to me when you get the chance.

The beginning chapter (after the introduction) of FangCatje is finished yayss. I sent it to my psychotherapist’s assistant right before I hopped in the car to Amsterdam, for my appointment with her. It was very comforting and much needed. To discuss my lifeline without any opposition. And I loved to hear their hypothesis! 😻 That my giftedness is the cause of my social isolation and feelings of depression. Yes that’s not something positive to hear about in general, but it makes me sooo happyyy because I’ve been hearing “psychotic person”, “schizophrenic”, “schizophrenic”, “schizophrenic” as a hypothesis for sooo long now. My giftedness is the main reason why I always feel lonely, so I’m so glad to finally hear a hypothesis in which I can actually recognize myself. Big yays. 🙂

Some forehead brain vein is throbbing all of the time. Probably because I’m tired. So I’m going to catch some sleep and then print some things for tomorrow’s Antwerp yays.

Ah meow first I’m going to the supermarket to buy a salad meal because I’ll be dinner chilling with my sister because my parents are out for dinner meowww. And then I’ll pass outtt whoop whoop.

And then I’ll be back here to be your wild Catje yay yay yay. I hope to see you tomorrow wherever in Antwerp between 11:15 and 14:30 for some wild Fangyismness. 😀

Please don’t forget to subscribe to push notifications. 🙂
All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. 🙂

Oh and if you want to give me Life, please don’t hesitate. 🙂
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!
https://www.ing.nl/particulier/betaalverzoek/index.html?trxid=KSm7epNHIR3J9WNfaNJvRKsWp2SU6VmA

Updated 19:20 (07:20 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions, Reflections, Strategy

Looking Ahead [Wednesday, July 17, 2019]

Heys my Catje 😸 ♥

Let’s spend today looking ahead.

There are many different contexts and scopes in which this can be done. For example thinking of next month’s budget for business operations today, or today thinking of what your dinner will be tomorrow.

In what ways will you be looking ahead? I would love to exchange ideas. 🙂

Is it stressful but good (especially when you’ve spent enough time thinking about it) to you as well?

I will be re-estimating my store development progress and process to something that won’t make me pass out every time I’ve worked on it and I’ll see how serious my Summer budget/budget to go to Antwerp will be today.

So right now I’ll be getting ready to visit the bank and then I’ll be back here when I’ve visited it. I’m expecting about €150 left on that account but I’m hoping for something better. Some more financial breathing space… Oh please. *fingers crossed* 🙁

See you later xxx

Updated 12:00 (PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Meow 🙁 I’ll be good though I hope

Ah meow another Tantalus torment moment. 🙁 But it might still be okay.

At the bank I was told that they don’t do analog bank transactions without a debit account anymore. So to get the money left on my account I had the options to either cancel my savings account there or open a debit account there as well. There are monthly costs for that new bank account, so I decided to cancel it. The money left on it (about €120 🙁 ) will be on my account by Friday. A return ticket to Antwerp is about €100 and I’d like to purchase my ticket like today instead of on the day itself…

So from having the idea I could go there and maybe purchase a bikini for this Summer while I’m there – because it feels like such a waste of time and new terrain to explore to just go there, finish my admission and come back right away – I went to, after seeing a bank statement on the door matte today, just hoping that I could deduct what is left on my account. Now not even that is possible. My ABN savings account will be suspended by July 19th and then it will be transferred to my ING account. If you’d like to make the amount transferred to my ING account more exciting then please do not hesitate. 🙂

I hope my parents would like to transfer that €120 to me today – rather more so that I can pay my bills (my phone is €56 this month meow et cetera) and buy some Summer essentials I mean since they want me to come along with them – so that I can buy my train ticket today.

This is a big motivation for me to work on the D.O.C.I.S. Store today. 🙂 Meanwhile I also need to have the Dutch version of FangCatje finished for tomorrow, basically… Or at least some oversight so that my psychotherapist knows why I desperately need someone to level with, with some knowledge of the human body and the human mind.

But I want to guarantee my clients the continuous availability of the books I’d like them to read. It would be much better if there were D.O.C.I.S. editions of the public domain works I’d like to redistribute. Meoooow I need a printing press sooo much.

I really wonder what my university adventure will bring me… It would be cool if it will be an asset to my business endeavors. It could, however, also force me to tear everything down and become some 9 – 5 and then watching television all day person. Scared Catje… But I hope for the best. 🙂 I hope I could collaborate with Graeynissis instead of being their subordinate. 🙁

Hehe meow my desk chair was a hell for my back so I swapped it with one of my father’s desk chairs from the top floor.

This is soo comfy meoww I could fall asleep on this. Plus it makes me feel like royalty a bit already yays. 🙂

The Oversight in Thinking Ahead

You’re done thinking ahead when you can simulate the entire happening mentally, including every scenario in which it could go down, and are prepared to intercept anything that could happen within that scenario. (Which is done more thoroughly when you can discuss the scenarios with someone who has a mindset similar to yours.)

Thinking ahead is something I love to do. But, I see now, only when my income is great enough to cover unexpected costs. I’ve been hiding from thinking of other scenarios, lately. (The past 36 months or so…) Now I want to get back on track. I hope to make some further miles today!

Unfortunately my fatigue is acting up again, so I’ll take a short nap. After that I’ll work on FangCatje and the D.O.C.I.S. Store. (I need that income my meowww…) Where my Book Club will be the most important!

See you later xxx

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Updated 16:39 (04:39 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]

~~~

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Random questions

I want to relax but I also want to see results day 108764919 [Tuesday, July 16, 2019]

My Catje 😻

Where are my Cuddles? 🙁

Here I am again, talking us through this dilemma I’m facing, as time passes us by all these years.

As you know, the best thing that could happen to me is being given some responsibility regarding the future people management that stems from contemporary water management. Please. Please. Please… I know you’re reading thisssssss.

People always have something to complain about, but I’m sure that they’ll love you for saving The Fangs. Not because of who I am but because helping out someone else is a way of contributing to society and if you’d share your reasons for why you feel the need to help me while you do, we’ll have a solid case, we’ll start a revolution and we’ll finally have real friends or at least I will ahahahahahahaha.

Again I haven’t touched my laptop yesterday. I should work on things but I don’t want to. 🙁

I’m going to sleep meoww ♥

Good night ♥

Updated 02:18 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]

xxx

Good afternoon ♥

How’s your day?

How are your thoughts through the day?

Your thoughts determine if your day was a good or bad one, right?

My thoughts go faster than my speaking pace and finding peace in it is not easy. Especially because there really is a lot to stress and think about.

Meow by means of being productive, I’ll really work on FangCatje today.

I’ve wanted to work on it more often, even mentioning that here, but I’ve only touched it the day I showed you the cover, the day before that and the day I used a blog post to draft, a few days ago.

Writing FangCatje is a lot less stressful than setting up a webshop with a low chance of being successful.

Plus I really need to get my views up for this month… 🤔

statistics

This concerns me…

Meoww I’ll be dragging myself out of bed, drag some breakfast into myself and get to still do something in an attempt to see results.

I wish we could exchange some thoughts, my meow…

Updated 13:23 (01:23 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]

~~~

My Catje ♥

I just showered, ate some cruesli with milk, then a slice of bread and some ginger flavored tea. If I don’t share it with you here then no one on this Earth will know.

There are some other things I’d like to share with you as well. Listing them here first before I start.

But first, please turn on your push notifications for me. 🙂 ♥
For some occasional fun distraction through the day.

All you need to do is click on the bell, click “subscribe” and allow push notifications. 🙂

> My Admission for Antwerp
> A Successful D.O.C.I.S. International
> Entertaining Yays

My Admission for Antwerp

Meoww I mentioned going to Antwerp to complete my admission around September. But I can’t wait so long, my meoww. I want it so be official so bad. My (long-term unfortunately still) freedom ticket. I’d rather go this week or something. So I think I’ll empty out my “analog” savings account (an account that is not linked to a debit account blah blah before the internet ish blah so the government doesn’t know it exists) for a train ticket and then I might be able to go this Friday already. 🙂

Haha don’t ask me how I’ll pay my tuition and cover my living expenses once I’m officially enrolled because I don’t know. That’s a headache for later. 🙂
(Usually I like having a full oversight and being in control et cetera. The issue here is that the full tuition has to be paid by April and I want to move out from about October (rather September but then I don’t have study finance yet).)

A Successful D.O.C.I.S. International

You know the build-up towards my success story is right here. And that I’ll create a lot of opportunities.

It’s unfortunate that my records aren’t as clean. That disadvantage makes the path for me a lot harder and a lot longer. But the results will be better than if things were easy, because my success will cause a shift in the social system, from the opportunities I’ll create and the opportunities to engage in illegal activities that I’ll fight.

A moment of Silence

Imagine this:
You’re born into a very wealthy family. But this family gains its wealth from the illegal arms and cocaine industry.

You’re very smart and your relatives know. Since day 1, they have been telling you: “Once you’re old enough, you will become part of this and you will be one of the greatest.” (And then “old enough” means being the age they were when you were born. They’ll use it to measure and compare achievements in life.)

During your youth they use all kinds of scare tactics to make you keep your mouth shut. They are your teachers of life, so you think that what they’re doing is “normal”, though it doesn’t feel normal, and in your behavior, as you grow up, you show some of their traits. You’re so smart that around age 10 they already start asking your for life and business advice. Around age 12 you find out that what they are and have been doing (including the ways they have been treating you) is illegal.

You learn that you want to become a ballet dancer or a scientist or something, distancing yourself from that horrible illegal life that seems so rosy from the outside. But they want you to be their successor, to keep the family legacy et cetera “something to be proud of”, so they subtly do everything in their power to make you not achieve your dreams.

They play psychological games with you, making you feel inconfident about your talents, while deep down you know that you have them and you are so very passionate about them. They do everything to damage your reputation and make it harder for you to get there. Someone threw a banana peel on stage during your performance. And you only get a share of the family wealth if you engage in illegal activities with them and express yourself in a barbaric way similar to theirs. (Saying things like: “Why pay tax? Fuck the government. They only use it to fill their pockets anyway.”)

But you’re good. So even though they force you to become a demon like them, you don’t. You want to leave your family for good, but you can’t tell others why, because them running their mouths could get you into trouble. You can’t run because your family has eyes and ears everywhere. You can’t run because the system we live in forces family to stick together.

You will be freed soon, my meow. I do everything within my D.O.C.I.S. power to cause the shift that will make us free from worry.

A moment of silence for the people living in a situation like this. I know how you feel. ♥ And I promise you that you’ll be doing what you truly want to do.

I’m hiding in plain sight.


I’m going crazyyyy. Computer noise, no money, international viewers, no clothing, insects everywhere….


The one sounds more common than the other.


In a normal family it would have been my bedroom on the top floor.


There is so much stress on my brain. 🙁


I have a rightful reason to need his level of attention for this. It could be affecting the entire balance between government policy, government finance and government intelligence systems. Plus I have quite some ideas for the reform of that you might be interested in. 🙂


Meoow please I just want to have a place to rest and write research papers. 🙁


Please let me do something good for the Netherlands before I vanish to Belgium forever. 🙁 I still want to move to Caliii…


I can’t find any focus to work. 🙁

Entertaining Yays


Though the bias of the person asking questions is quite nerve wrecking, I enjoyed watching the interview. 🙂

Meooow I’m hungry and I should get to FangCatje, but my brain is shaking from the amount of pressure it’s under meow I need a neurologist help. 🙁

Updated 18:13 (06:13 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]

~~~

Meowww I’m going to the bank tomorrow so that I can visit Antwerp on Friday. Having my admission finished will be such a relief. 😀 Unfortunately it will just be travelling to Belgium and coming back almost immediately after, because I’m low on cash. Unless there suddenly is some festive amount of money on my account somehow.

I’m excited now yays. For this ini-mini adventure trip. 😀

And it would be nice if FangCatje were finished before I visit my psychotherapist(‘s assistant) on Thursday, so I’ll – with full excitement – be working on that.

See you later today xxx

Updated 20:57 (08:57 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]

~~~

Yays I’m making quite some progress with FangCatje. I’ll have the Dutch version finished by tomorrow (just in time for my appointment)… So I could have it in stores by the weekend. Though I should keep finishing my book store and the D.O.C.I.S. International website in mind as well.

But we’ve worked more than enough for today my meoww I’ll be playing some late night piano by means of finding inner relaxation, then set an alarm for tomorrow and get some Headspace, then sleep and head to the bank tomorrow to go to Antwerp on Friday yayyy. 😀

Good night ♥

Updated 23:34 (11:34 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 Amsterdam]

xxx

Featured image by Colin Schmitt from Pexels

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Strategy

New Starting Point Hi [Monday, July 15, 2019]

Hi. 🙂 ♥

This is my new starting point. By that I mean that I’m trying to get my audience, my progress and our achievements in sync by recalibrating this website of mine, calling this post “Starting Point”.

In one of my “Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off” and “Het experiment” videos, I mention that some moments in my diary I’ve chosen to start explaining everything from scratch again, because it’s a lot of work catching up if you are a new visitor / don’t read my work.

Then my dilemma became “How am I going to explain that this is a starting point (or checkpoint)?” I’ve done it in many ways, but often wrapped in maybe too much creativity.

I think that this post is a much clearer starting point/checkpoint (depends on if you’ve seen the posts before this).

Hi, my name is Dominique, but (if I like you) please call me Fangs. 🙂

LilFangs.com is one of my domains on the web.  I use my domains to scream for help whenever life becomes too much. LilFangs.com has over 500 blog posts and I’ve all written them myself. 🙂

Today, though I feel like kicking back some more, I will be working on my bookstore and FangCatje.

I want my own private property. Can’t stand living on someone else’s private property. That’s why I decide to not rest and hope to make some book sales.

You’ll see me back here later – maybe because my fatigue is on some level. Please turn on push my notifications (by klicking on the bell on the bottom right of this view) so that you don’t have to refresh the page to see if I’ve returned all the time. 🙂

I’ll be eating my cruesli as first meal of the day now (craving for more stomach filling things that are tasty). xxx

The last video of my experiment is here:

Updated 13:30 (01:30 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2 

~~~

I haven’t eaten yet. I can’t do this thing where I feel like choking someone to death but then I fake this “all is fine” thing because I hate verbal arguments especially because people can’t defend themselves these days. I really need to be all alone.

It’s, by the way, my day to cook for the family again today. Every Monday and Saturday, since I was sixteen. As usual I hate it and don’t look forward to it.

Somebody please help het Fang Catje. 🙁
It’s too hard for me to explain why I need international military assistance to improve the environment.

Meanwhile my body feels so exhausted that I really need someone feeding me grapes and stuff. That’s the type of care I need.

And some help solving this problem I have with my family. I want to vanish permanently and they have to let me go. I don’t want to sleep another day here the amount of crawling insects and the noise of this fucking absurd amount of illegal computers is driving me crazy.

Plus please get me out of here before the sluice door which is also the access gate to this neighborhood for cyclists and pedestrians will close for an entire month!?! The place is going to flood, isn’t it? Please get me out of here please. 😢

Updated 16:08 (04:08 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2 

~~~

My dinner yays 🙂

Dinner was nice. My salad consisted of lamb’s lettuce, tomatoes, feta cheese, prosciutto di parma and a dressing of yoghurt, mayonaise, garlic, ginger, thyme and a dash of five spices.

In the spaghetti I put unions, tomatoes, pumpkin, cod fish, garlic, baharat, saffron, lemon and honey. 🙂

Meow I still haven’t kicked back enough to kick off. But I should finish my things. 🙁

Meanwhile I’m really stressed about the risk of this country flooding when the sluice here is closed. And exactly when it closes I’ll be staying in Egmond aan Zee for two weeks, which is even closer to the coast…

I use a starting point to re-explain my situation, but in these past few years that has become such a long and complicated story. Part of it includes the state of my heart. My aortic insufficiency makes me get tired fast. Part of my experiment has made me more tired. Now I feel like the bed pet of bed pets. 😴

But when it comes to the risk of this country flooding please give me some intel because I knooooow taking care of this generation is enough of a headache so please let me think ahead with you. I’m already ready for it meoww. If I write a thesis about it it will be tripple yays for all of us. 🙂

Meow my sister is making cupcakes, so I’m watching Spiderman with the family, hoping that I can get some. 😀
Though I think I should go to bed…

Updated 22:34 (10:34 PM) Time zone Amsterdam UTC +2 

~~~

Blog, Media, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Videos

“Focus Day” [Sunday, July 14, 2019]

As a follow-up from my experiment from yesterday, it’s time for orientation today. Relaxing yesterday ( = kicking back), to kick off kicking off ( = orienting on what my starting point is and what a good result looks like). Today is “focus day”.

There are plenty videos of me yesterday, on Youtube, waiting to be watched by you. 🙂

There are about 20 videos of me yesterday in total. 🙂

Maybe I can. I’ll see when this is uploaded. 🙂

After 500+ blog posts, my brain just feels so tired.

I’m in bed, currently. Thinking of what to do to be productive today. I can’t not try to be productive because I need money.

Then my mother came to me to tell me  the changes she notices in my behavior when I’m high. Even mentioning the parallel with the crisis center again. I already mentioned that this will happen, in my videos from yesterday ahahahahahaha.

It’s now some hours later than when I started this post. She came while I was typing this update.

I’m hungry.

Now going to brush my teeth. xxx

Updated 14:15 (02:15 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2

~~~ 

In the right order:

My first video of today is uploading as well. 🙂 I speak of my search to define my starting poing in it.

Updated 17:20 (05:20 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2

~~~ 

Hier is deel 1 van vandaag:

Updated 17:41 (05:41 PM) timezone Amsterdam UTC +2

~~~

Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off: A Random Experiment [Saturday, July 13, 2019]

Let’s say you’re jogging, right 😏 , and during that relaxing cardio exercise across beautiful landscapes you want to test how fast you can sprint. To measure your velocity, you have to decide on your start point and end point before you start your experiment.

You can decide to, for example, mark one tree as your beginning point and another as your end point, knowing that the distance between those points is, for example, exactly 100 meters. Then your distance is fixed. A start and end point based on distance. Time is variable in this case. To measure your velocity, you’ll have to measure ( = variable ) the time you take to sprint 100 meters. [And, spoiler, in the other example method the distance is variable and then I make my point, telling you why this title et cetera. Kicking off…]

You can also decide to set a beginning and end time. This can be, for example, 00:00 and 03:34, sprinting to the Summer jam you’ve been listening to all Summer. Exactly one song (which is long for a sprint but again this is just an example). Then your time is fixed. But this can also be during your jogging.
You can also decide to set a random time for yourself, like 1 minute. On your activity tracking app/device/anything, you can, for example haha, be running for 42:33. Still you’ll have to know where you have started from, but your end point is variable. You will initiate your sprint from your randomly chosen starting point and then stop at 43:33 (or the end of your Summer jam) – and if you have a good activity tracker then that will do the rest.
If your activity tracker doesn’t do the magic, you’ll have to measure your steps walking back from your end point to your starting point. [I’m not a physic but I know this is correct and this is bloody original off the top Fangy text yay 😸 . Ask my Graeynissis who are able to see a vision of me in real-time in their minds all day every day.]

In that little jogging experiment, where there are set clear boundaries to measure your own competence. You smoothly transition from relaxation into focus and know when it happens.

Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off

My body is aching, my mind is restless and my competence is all over the place. (Moving words like that come out of nowhere and I’m trying to transition you into it but even for that I need a beginning momentum spoiler alert.)

I think it would be easier to get my mission across (not point in this case because my mission consists of pointssssssssssss) if I would in my diary clearer indicate when I transition from relaxation into focus. I don’t think we’ve seen real relaxation in this diary yet ever even and I’ve been doing this for over 500 posts ahahahaha. It would also be better for my mind to use today to absolutely not pressure it with anything. Not even trying to explain anything anymore today (aside from the physics in the introduction and why this title). And this sentence:

So today I will be doing what is utmost relaxing to me (except cooking but gotta survive so meowwww) and tomorrow I will define what my starting point is, acting as if these 500+ posts were jogging and tomorrow I will define the starting point of my sprint.

My mind finds that relaxation is a reward that should be earned after having earned or completed something. But it has been quite some fucking time ago since I’ve earned or completed anything (like a course or show or something) – at least 8 months but finishing an open university course year doesn’t give me a qualification for anything in this world so it’s useless and doesn’t even really count which is why I say “at least” the next big thing is graduating from high school – so my mind hasn’t had a “hard work really pays of, glad to have received this figurative trophy, time to relax, celebrate and be proud of myself” moment for so long that it has been working so hard fiending for a new rush like that. That will be the scope after I’ve been kicking back, today. Kicking back to kick off kicking off.

Kicking back how?

Back is not “Back” because short words are not capitalized in a title, it’s not a noun and I like the word Kicking more than I like the word back.

I have some semi-revealing how I’ll kick back today tweets here and some other cool tweets starting from when I stopped blogging yesterday:


Click on the quoted tweet to see the pictures I posted not long before that, referred to in this tweet.


Sad but true but my mother is still my most irresistible Catje. I’m confused.


Factssssss


Oh pleaseeeee 😻 . Respect for everything I’m certainly not here to disrupt anything literally here just typing asking if saying [please don’t be shocked] DILF is normal? The same goes for Victishe and so on. 🙂 Plus this ferocious “This is against the rules!” is soo Cuddle meoow be my Graeyniss pleaseee¿ 😻


They have been fucked up since Amsterdam in December but still I’m personally too broke for new earplugs. I’m too broke for anything but bills and occasional groceries my meow please help.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!
https://www.ing.nl/particulier/betaalverzoek/index.html?trxid=KSm7epNHIR3J9WNfaNJvRKsWp2SU6VmA
And keep LilFangs.com ad-free because ads are ugly as fuck.


That’s not necessarily part of the relaxation unless – big spoiler alert HAHA – you wanna spark some AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂 . And I’m not talking about fireworks because like you – and your pet – I hate fireworks tooooooo. 😀


Excitement yaysss


My only effort on this day of relaxation. Oh and another thing is that I reallyyy can’t cycle without music if there’s the sound of cars and shit conversation around me which is very often here in this area, so that will be headache meows but for the sake of minimizing that I’ll shut off noise cancellation on these half broken earplugs.


Ohne Frambois ik praat Catois noem me Benoît. Ahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 😏 #TheFangs


Haha I have. Again here I am giving Camillus unannounced credit. This week I’ve received two Whatsapp marriage proposals to gain Dutch citizenship. (Haha I wonder what Thierryay would say about this.) Both people who asked me to marry them are Nigerian. Camillus is also Nigerian. This is evidence that your country of origin doesn’t say anything about your nature. Yay (for colored people in my eyes but that’s because I’m colored (and only colored “as far as I know”) haha).

I’ll be making videos of me experimenting with this experiment and seeing if I’ll find some relaxation with my unsatisfied mind. My next updates will be videos because I’m tired of typing. My first video will be made after I’ve showered et cetera. Please stay tuned. 😹 ♥

Updated 11:34 (AM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]

~~~

Later meer ben nu in de stad. Dit film ik ook. Ook dat ik niet eens 20 euro kan pinnen man want ik ben KANKER BROKE MAN WAAROM NEGEERT IEDEREEN DAT. Mijn inkomen is €0,niets is zeker. (lees: “nul komma niets…”)

Inmiddels weer onderweg naar huis. Het geheugen van mijn telefoon is vol zegt het dus ik kan niets meer filmen at the moment. Heb intussen buiten nog wel aardig wat minuten erbij gefilmd maar ik wil ook een beetje zuinig aan doen met mijn 4G.

Updated 17:24 (05:24 PM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]

~~~

Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

My Head 😩 [Friday, July 12, 2019]

Good afternoon ♥
Today’s weather makes me want to cuddle up in bed just like my headache does. Though my headache gets worse when I move, it’s thunderstorms and rain (and hail too¿) coming and going since last night. And from the short time between the lightning flash and the sound of the thunder, it has been very close by. Less than 1 km from here.

I hope you’ve seen my drafting of yesterday evening. 🙂 And that the refund of my grandmother’s investment in the Aegon Sprintplan is not at all guaranteed yet. My mother showed me the letter the collective that goes about it had sent. (And first investing in something and then when you lose everything saying that it has been a fake promise and ask for all of your money back…? People investing in fake promises still happens daily. They don’t get a refund either. It already sounded very controversial when I sent the letter she wanted me to write on her behalf.

Fangyism

Another reason why it’s much better to replace the current financial system with the Fangyist financial system! You’ll never lose any money because there only D.O.C.I.S. International invests. There’s no investing for individuals there at all! 😀 *throws confetti* You can financially gain by doing something that’s good according to Fangyist Law. 🙂

Bed Petting Festival + A Fangy Stubborn Flashback

It’s the first day of the North Sea Jazz festival today. As usual my family will be attending. Except me this time. Though I’m not going to the edition in Rotterdam, I might go to the one in Curaçao because it was included in my mother’s bribery for me to not have my sister be the only young person there. Both my plane tickets and festival tickets are paid for.

Ticket sales for the festival in Rotterdam started months ago. This was around the time where I tried to forever vanish from this country after a fight, starting in my journey in Wiesbaden and heading to Berlin for my birthday (November 1st my god my heart still hurts from this aawful treatment), but I ran out of money again. I empathically couldn’t block their phone numbers, so my mother who had been asking me to come home for quite some time then made an offer to get me a rental car to drive home. Back home, my father complained about how my vanishing has brought them unnecessary costs.

What the fuck. If he would have stopped insulting me for no reason, we wouldn’t have gotten into a fight and I wouldn’t have gone abroad to vanish and escape him. For we’re still house mates. If he wouldn’t insult me for no reason, I wouldn’t even have this anti-social blog. I actually like social interaction, but here it doesn’t show, because of my selectiveness and lack of opportunity.

From then I didn’t want them to pay for any of my things at all anymore. I’ll climb up the social ladder financially (haha get it ughhh), and I will do that all on my own (starting in Antwerp thus…). So when he offered to buy me a three-day ticket to the North Sea Jazz Festival, I said “No thank you.”

Another reason why I’d rather not attend is because I’d rather stand in front of a crowd or in a secluded section of a crowd than in the middle of it. (My father can choose but he prefers cheaper.) I’m sick and tired of people asking my attention for their boring stories and asking my number and my intimacy without asking me if I even have the slightest interest in that.

And it’s the most awful thing where people can easily walk past me in a crowd, but they still decide to touch, hurt or even grab me. It’s fucking disgusting. Especially now that my blog has grown so much, I don’t want to be a familiar face who still is no one for standing in that big crowd like just another number.

Plus hearing the conversations that go on in that crowd disgust me. Most people don’t understand shit about music, yet still they have an opinion about it. If I’d turn my knowledge about music into a project I’d really be proud of, I wouldn’t have any tolerance for the judgment of someone who doesn’t understand it, but still gets his/her arrogance from “I pay for your music.”

I would have loved to see José James and The Internet today, and discover new music or learn the name and face to more popular music by other artists. But I only want to attend any music event if I either can afford the ticket myself and be in a secluded area, or because I’ve organized the event myself and I’ll be performing there somewhere in between other performances.

Today

I have no idea what my day will be like. Aside from being home all day and my dinner being paid for (something I couldn’t accept in the beginning). I’ll be drafting some with pen and paper and drink a lot of water. Mweh another day or non-challenging boredom.

For real challenging, I need someone else. But someone else who’s at least just as intelligent as I am. And someone who dares to give me some real responsibility. Fuck what people will say about me not being educated enough for whatever. Nonsense.

Oh last night during the thunderstorm, after seeing this tweet

I thought of the following statement: “A gifted person never genuinely enjoys spending time with someone who is not gifted.”

What do you think of this? I think it’s very true.

I feel that the ungifted even know this fact. [If you knew how far too often I’ve heard “You think I’m dumb, don’t you?” “You think I’m untalented, don’t you?” and only replied with “Oh noo you’re very smart and talented,” because I don’t like being hurtful (without anyone backing me up) oh my goddd. 😩 It would be such a relief to say “YES! YES! YES!” but then why would I ever spend time with that person again get it. It’s irrefutable relationship damage answering “Yes,” to a question like that.] So they claim us and make sure we’ll never meet because they know we’ll enjoy spending time with each other so much that we’ll never see them again.

I grind my teeth spending time with someone who doesn’t reason on my level. This must be one of the reasons why I feel so much stress from tactically staying polite all the time. Another Tantalus torment.

But my Book Club will be amazing. 😻

Meoww “breakfast” time.

How do you find my method for making my diary more real-time?

Updated 14:23 (02:23 PM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]

~~~

I absolutely love that my push notifications are working now! 😻

Catje 😻

It feels very comforting to know that my updates go straight to your screen now. 😀 Even when I update a post that has already been uploaded, you’ll know! 🙂

I’ve been checking out PM Rutte his press conference earlier. (Thought of making that a notification as well but it was on too short notice my meoww I was still making my first meal of the day.)

Summarization of tweets:


I watched the conference in couch cat mode. &#x!F60F; 😸


I don’t really have public meows. Behind the scenes there are annoying people accessing me. I kind of worry about moving to Antwerp all by myself when it comes to that.


He was asked something about measures against drug use on the many festivals in this country and if he will be attending any festivals in this country this Summer. I won’t, by the way. Not one.


Something about Turkey buying Russian weapons or the other way around or something, because the country wanted to buy Western (I’m referring to euphemized democracies when I say “Western”) weapons but was prohibited from doing that and when when it purchased non-Western weapons Western countries started to say shit but then they just shouldn’t have been prohibiting the purchase in the beginning. Helaas pindakaas.


He curved those journalists very well. I can better relate to the philosophy of the right, but still think he’s doing well in his philosophy of making changes. Honestly I don’t see most people in power having any other better successor but I and I will elaborate on this in a few.


The entire conference was basically him being asked the prospects of things that still need to be discussed before there’s anything to announce. And then he gets the reply: “So you have nothing to say about this?” to basically every answer. And then in the comment section everyone calls him a liar. And that has been happening at least all year round…


He said something about that there has been good progress made this year, but that some want even more change and some prefer less, so that the change was mild. I strive towards a legal revolution my meowww.


An awful truth. Powerless Fangs. 🙁 [Not that literally all regular citizens should get more power ahaha nahhh they’re influenced far too easily.]


He was asked something about the presidential system and he said that he dreams of a system like that in the Netherlands. Ahahaha imagine him with a dreamy comic cloud next to him in which he’s thinking of him being the president in a presidential system ahahahahaha it’s a cool sight. We should make a video sketch of that ahahah. (I have soo many ideas for things like that my meoww. With many educative messages.)


What do you think of The Fangs being a Fangs with absolute power?


Meoww press conferences are one of the few challenging types of content that are entertaining to me. For me they don’t happen often enough. 😸 But the Summer still has a lot to offer. Especially because all formalities are having their holidays. 😀 Free terrain for me yaysss.


My head is still achy. Especially after a typing session like this one. So again I’m going to take a little break from typing and screen gazing now. Also I’m home alone and my sushi just got delivered so some dinner yays I’ll share with you later. Before I go, there is one more image I want to share with you. Last night I decided to sleep in my parents’ bed because they were sleeping on the couch, watching Stranger Things with good audio. I’ve noticed it before, but was now gazing at this book in my mother’s book case, thinking of “If I wouldn’t have silenced them, all of this wouldn’t have happened and this book wouldn’t have been bought.”

It really sucks to be “the gifted schizophrenic child”

Beause I’m not a fucking schizophrenic oh my goddd. 😩 And if everything in that book were really true and results from statistical sampling can be considered facts then everyone might as well be a schizophrenic. Such nonsense.

I’ll be eating these dinner yays meoww but know that erwtensoep, Kartoffelsuppe, grietbana bravoe or any other type of gaining strength soup is very welcome. 🙂

Updated 20:27 (08:27 PM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]

~~~

My dinner yays. Not an ad but just yay because I feel overheated from lack of oxygen and now I have this fan thingy with which I can create an oxygen illusion, calming down my brain a bit.

I’m eating soy beans now, as I’m writing this:

another mirror pic

A pre-dinner Fangs spotted. Took this right after my previous update.

In the background of the picture you can see where I’ve installed myself. My laptop is on my mother’s side of the bed. And the room where the daylight comes from, is my bedroom. That’s how close I sleep to my parents. I really appreciate that they have been doing their midnight binge-watching followed by falling asleep with the TV on downstairs lately, because any sound or light can be an annoying stimulus to me, keeping me awake at night.

I genuinely think that my parents would do better with the general public than I would, because they, in contrast to me – especially my father – love(s) watching Netflix and other popular things. (One of the reasons – another Tantalus torment moment – my friends were very jealous of me having the parents that I have and expressed that very frequently. I don’t want people to be jealous of me man please.)

~Transition sentence.~ (Hahahahaha 😹 )

The Last Summer

Have you heard the new Summer jam that was released today?

I’m under the impression that I’m not the only one who sees the patterns in everything that has been happening in the eras this world has known. It has been the cause of the routine we live. Currently, it says: “Relax. Don’t bother yourself with all of that work. Take some time off. “Have some fun.” You deserve it.” Summer is here so the world “spins” differently. Like the Winter (but more¿), it’s a period of very high consumption and pollution.

Some people can enjoy the Summer season and some people can’t. Some people can’t take a minute all-year-round because of their occupation. Some people have a busier work schedule than usual during that season. (Think of artists performing at Summer festivals, people working in tourism, people working in travel insurance (Victishe 😻 ) and so on.)

I vote for a more fair enjoyment of time for all. In a realistic sense, what do you really want to be doing?

I want to see a shift. In this society, maintaining a bad relationship is considered more normal than exploring and finding yourself. We should cause an international Volta: only surround yourself with the people you will never fight with. We make pairs that will probably be based on vision, intelligence and characteristic nature. We should redivide and redistribute the land in the world over these pairs and will live peacefully in that way. This is something that has to be pushed trough now that the current Graeynissis are still the ruling Graeynissis.

Because my and younger generations know even less about real life than the current people averagely aged 30-50 do now. People only know ghost stories about business and political diplomacy. We should make this shift (way) before you have to give your power to someone else, because they really won’t know what to do but fill their pockets. People don’t learn to have vision in school.

Do you not like the words of your own leader? Go be leaders with your friends somewhere on a piece of land that is not under the authority of your leader. Do you not like this Summer hit? Cool. Planet Fang’s music is an export product you most certainly do not have to buy. Make your own music. (And I would really love to make a Summer jam that doesn’t make me sad.) There will be completely new partnerships. 😀

Please I really don’t want to see another commercialized Summer routine where people act like peacocks showing themselves from their best sides just for admiration. Be the real valuable you. Let’s make a change, please, and let this be the last “Summer” in the commercialized way we know it now.

I would love to be more elaborate on this but I still feel terrible. (But less terrible than when this day started so yay.) And I’ve been multitasking.


He used this word referring to America before he became president.


Planet Fang 😀

I’m off to spending time in the darkness now. In a noiseless house because my parents are still enjoying the festival. I’ve seen some videos of it already. 🙂

Good night ♥

Updated 23:57 (11:57 PM) [Timezone Amsterdam CEST UTC/GMT + 2]

xxx

The featured image is made by Juan Pablo Arenas.

Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Sick Catje 😔 [Thursday, July 11, 2019]

10:53 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I hope you’re feeling better than I do. Physically, I feel worse than yesterday. My pains are more serious. Mentally, I have a lot more on my mind than yesterday.

The topics alternately occupying my mind are:

  • Will people become part of my book club? I really hope so because I have such cool ideas for it and it would be the perfect side job! And I need to exceed the costs of having the store because otherwise it will be a headache instead of an asset. I hope I’ll be in good health in time, because I’ve set the deadline of it in 9 days.
  • Will the share my grandmother will give me be enough to have some financial breathing space? Once I get my study financing, my budget for rent will be about €450 for a studio apartment [ 🙁 ]. If my grandmother gives me an amount that leaves me enough to pay for my course books after I’ve paid all of my bills and debts, I – aside from living in a busy area where I don’t know anyone – won’t have anything to worry about. I wonder when she’ll receive it… To save costs, it’s much better for me to start renting from September 1st (when my parents are on a holiday together and my sister’s school resumes and then I’ll be moving¿ x_x ) instead of October 1st.
  • I really hope that I can make the concept of my book club attractive enough for the intelligent (and experienced) Graeynissis I’ll need in the future. Plus I hope they’ll donate to me and give me even more breathing space…
  • Honestly I still really hope to receive a Fangs-specialized study program where I’m encouraged to write papers about multiple fields of science in which any Graeyniss is dealing with an issue my vision could be an asset to. Getting my bachelor’s at age 26 is so old that I hope I can speed up the process by being allowed to do this… I’ve used my former years to set out this concept for a revolution and hope it will come in handy. Especially for “alpha sciences”. For “beta sciences” I really need teaching but for alpha’s honestly I really don’t. (It’s just being able to reproduce the things that are considerd facts, discovered by big names (from the West)…) The book club could be a great asset to this. Meowww I don’t want to reveal too much about the concept yet though…

Meow it’s fluid breakfast timeee. I’ll see you later because by means of being productive I’ll draft the texts for the store and FangCatje here. ♥

~~~

16:21 (04:21 PM) 

My meowsss ♥

I feel the continuous sound of my fan, the crampedness of my bedroom and general Dutch air quality fuel the headache of my fever. I’ve always found it annoying, but because my brain is in more pain than usual now, everything is more disturbing than usual now.

Everything except my curiosity for this:

I need any type of shift in the overrated social media hype myself. I’ll be on it. 😸 (&Nooo indeeed no one should ever call any president “meow”. No one but me. 😸 )

Request for “Life” 😂

Ahaha in my “things I do when I grab my phone” routine of checking my web stats and checking the balance of my main bank account, I randomly decided to click on the “request” button, next to the by young me awfully frequently clicked “transfer” button.

I randomly typed in the maximum amount of €1000. The follow up question was: “What is the €1000 for?” And I typed “Life”. 😂

Now I have a random payment request you can adjust and transfer if you’re at a Dutch bank.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!
https://www.ing.nl/particulier/betaalverzoek/index.html?trxid=KSm7epNHIR3J9WNfaNJvRKsWp2SU6VmA

I’m certain that if enough people engage in this, I’ll never feel sick again. 😸 (Or at least I could have a say in how I’ll be treated, in contrast to what you have to endure if you, like me, have the cheapest health care subscription package. When I get study financing I’ll already “expand” my subscription…)

Haha meow I made the request jokingly, but I honestly hope anyone would give me some Life. I’ll give you something in return for it for sure. 🙂 And if enough people do it then maybe future Book Club meetings could be in/next to my future house, on the estate called Planet Fang. 😻 A compound in Belgium would be nice, as well as in other countries. 😀

My body is acting up again. I’m going to still my hunger and then take a nap. After that I’m just going to start drafting – something that has more impact on my brain because that is really mijn hersenen kraken. I’ll keep pushing the D.O.C.I.S. until it unfolds.

I’ll see you (here) tonight xxx

~~~

19:52 (07:52 PM) 

Before I start, I would like to log some interesting Twitter activity here.


It’s part of my revolution yayss. Know that online identities have no meaning. Only real life identities do.


[More untranslated Dutch coming up in my drafting meow for the sake of minimizing pressure on my brain… 😣 ]


I need some fellow Fangyists… My development is stagnating. 🙁


The help I need is so yusu (as in seriusu) meow I’m a minority in the minority of minorities in a country where discrimination is an everyday thing I’ve seen far too frequently.


“Against fraud and corruption” would have made sense. But “against the economy” ahahahaha help this is the level of the average Dutch person &#x1F602 . (No joke only about 6% of Dutch people has finished the highest type of secondary education like me. [It’s LWOO -> VMBO-B -> VMBO-K -> VMBO-T -> HAVO -> VWO -> VWO+ -> Gymnasium (which in this case has nothing to do with exercise ughhh)])

For the sake of doing something useful, I’m now going to draft some book and website texts. Reminder-to-self that I need to change the logo of the D.O.C.I.S. Store to something without an image and make a separate logo for the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club. I really love this book club so much already my meoww. I hope you’re willing to pay the contribution I need for your set of books and gifts every quarter, plus renting a book club meeting venue.

I’m starting with FangCatje though, because that had to have been finished (haha trippy tenses) already… I think I’ll publish it under “Dominique Daniëlle Elia” instead of “Lil Fangs”.

FangCatje Draft

Het leven voelt voor mij van jongs af aan (“al”) als de Tantaluskwelling. Absoluut niet omdat mijn gedrag vergelijkbaar is met wat voor Tantalus de aanleiding voor zijn straf was. Integendeel: mijn hart kan zijn soort immorele daden (zoals zijn zoon aan de goden voeren om te kijken of het wel echte goden zijn) niet verdragen.

Toch ervaar ik een soortgelijk lijden. In zijn straf zijn al zijn behoeften en lusten een kwelling. (De Tantaluskwelling is een Griekse mythe.) Bijvoorbeeld dat hij in een poel met water moest staan, maar dat het water naar beneden golfde wanneer hij eruit probeerde te drinken, waardoor hij leed aan dorst.

Een voorbeeld hiervan, in mijn context, is dat er toen ik 6 was eindelijk een officiële verklaring was voor mijn “anders zijn” en waarom ik me zo ontzettend verveelde op school. Namelijk mijn hoogbegaafdheid. Maar in plaats van het enthousiasme (van leraren) dat ik hoopte te zien en de uitdagingen die ik hoopte te krijgen, werd ik nog meer als (nu niet alleen meer zwart maar ook nog eens veeleisend) vuil gezien en behandeld, en uit men zijn/haar jaloezie over mijn officieel bevestigde intelligentie (en ontwikkelende fysieke schoonheid) op de meest hartverscheurende manieren.

Toen ik, bijvoorbeeld, aan mijn juf vroeg of ik een nieuw boekje mocht, omdat ik het boekje met “uitdagende” taal- en rekenopdrachten voor de hele week dezelfde dag al had uitgewerkt, zei ze: “Ga eerst maar alles inkleuren.” Op iedere pagina stond wel een afbeelding. Ik had juist meer cognitieve uitdaging nodig, in plaats van meer kleutervermaak.

“Waarom ik?” is iets wat ik altijd al heb gedacht. (Misschien omdat echt niemand anders het kan doen…? Ik wou (met de nadruk op verleden tijd, nu ik ouder ben en weet hoe de wereld in elkaar zit) dat we allemaal hoogbegaafd zijn.)

Een ander voorbeeld van mijn Tantaluskwelling is het nieuws dat ik letterlijk net kreeg. Het leek even alsof ik het leven niet meer als een kwelling zal ervaren. Gisteren hoorde ik van mijn moeder dat mijn oma bericht had gekregen, dat ze 85% van haar inleg in het Aegon Sprintplan zal terugkrijgen en dat ik, omdat ik haar ongeveer een jaar geleden had geholpen met het maken van die claim, een aandeel daarvan zou krijgen. Al sinds mijn 17de zit ik financieel aan de grond, dus het voelde alsof het licht aan het eind van de tunnel eindelijk in zicht was.

Maar daarnet kwam ze naar me toe om te vertellen dat degene die voor mijn oma de brief had geïnterpreteerd, dit verkeerd heeft gedaan. Het was niet eens een brief van Aegon maar een brief van het collectief dat de zaak aanvecht. Dat als je als lid een aanvulling op je gegevens opstuurt, je 85% terug kan krijgen in plaats van 80%. Het is nu nog steeds absoluut niet zeker of ze ooit haar geld terug zal krijgen. Die brief die ik voor haar naar Aegon had gestuurd is al meer dan een jaar oud en er zit nog steeds absoluut geen vaart in de zaak.

Het leek even alsof ik “zorgenloos” op kamers kon gaan (wat ik eigenlijk niet eens wil, want ik heb liever leefruimte), ik kon beginnen met kleine schulden afbetalen en zelfs zou kunnen beginnen met het opbouwen van een spaarpotje. Maar ik ben weer terug bij af.

Mijn online dagboek op LilFangs.com staat verder vol met Tantaluskwellingsmomenten die vaak onverwachts komen en ik in real-time (“rond het tijdstip dat het in het werkelijk leven gebeurt”) deel, hopend dat ik de Volta waarin mijn kwelling voorbij is ook in real-time zal delen.

Toen ik in de nacht van 27 mei op 28 mei in het crisiscentrum werd opgenomen,

The D.O.C.I.S. Store Draft

I’m going to stop drafting for now, my meow. It’s almost past twelve. And the text above here was the greatest spoiler ever because – aside from typos and/or grammar mistakes I might have missed out on but will correct when I re-type it for the definitive version – I’m going to use exactly that text.


During dinner, there was some (biased) documentary about the Middle-East on. I was familiar with his last name and that (by false media caused) association with political turbulence. But in the documentary they referred to him by his first name. After I saw him give a speech next to Tony Blair [also handsome], I asked: “Who is this (Catje)?” 😻 Bashar Al Assad. Then a debate about how colored western media are, how almost every Arabic leader is seen as a tyrant who wishes to destroy everything and everyone because of this, how the differences between [excusez moi I only know it in Dutch-ish and am too tired to translate it now] Sjiieten, Soennieten, Alevieten and other movements within the Islam cause enough local turbulence already for having to explain that to the West on top of all of the other chaos, how I think he really might not have assassinated an influential in Lebanon, America’s reasons for international involvement, et cetera unfolded for a decent while. I was very alone in my view again. But now I’m even more interested in a D.O.C.I.S. Compound – where you can be yourself – in Syria. 😻 I’m seriously interested in having tea with him. 🙂

Just when I wanted to continue drafting after dinner, my mother told me that my grandmother was misinformed about the refund of her investment in the Aegon Sprintplan. 🙁 Now it’s certain that that won’t give me financial breathing space.

Please, give me Life.
“Hi, I’ve created a payment request for Life. You can adjust the amount and pay with any bank in the Netherlands. Thank you!
https://www.ing.nl/particulier/betaalverzoek/index.html?trxid=KSm7epNHIR3J9WNfaNJvRKsWp2SU6VmA

Good night ♥

xxx

Online Diary

Feverish Catje :( [Wednesday, July 10, 2019]

12:19 (PM) 

Heys ♥

Feverish Catje

I’ll keep it short today, because the more I stare into this screen, the more my head hurts. But I still want to let you know what’s happening – hoping that you’ll protect me 🙁 – before this feverish Catje goes back to sleep.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, last night, a sensation that felt as if someone just punched me in the eye, woke me up. I was in defense mode right away, but the room was empty, I saw in my spinning and blurry sight. My head hurt like crazy and I felt little stingy pains all over my body. I let myself fall into bed again, because I could barely keep my defense position. My heart rate felt low and I was gasping for air.

I took a sip of water out of the cup next to this bed and felt that I had to use the bathroom immediately after. It took a few minutes before I could stand up. Holding onto things, I made my way. The cold of the floor made my body shiver like crazy, but at least it kept me awake, because I felt like I could collapse at any second.

Back in bed, a mosquito kept me awake. I hid underneath the sheets, by means of avoiding bites, now that I felt too weak to kill it.  I only lifted a part of the sheets right in front of my mouth, for some fresh air. Somehow she underneath-the-sheets heat felt nice with my fluctuating body temperature. “I really need a boyfriend for this,” I thought to myself, needing forehead kisses and the assassination of that annoying mosquito.

At some points palpitations made it hard for me to breathe. I kept changing my position to have more space to breathe, but kept hiding from that mosquito. I couldn’t sleep anymore. My thoughts were all over the place. I started to worry about the state of my heart again, about the cause of this fever and about my safety in general.

My dysfunctional heart is still unacknowledged in this country. I wouldn’t dare to notify anyone when I’m about to collapse, because my phycisian sees everything I feel as schizophrenia and heart rate increasing antipsychotics will make me collapse even faster. I need to visit my doctor in Germany very soon, but I don’t have money for that. 🙁 I fear that my palpitations, gasping and chest pains are getting worse every day.

I wish there was someone who doesn’t mind going the extra mile to protect me. Not only because of the state of my health. I’ve been making a privacy & safety statement, sharing my location in real-time every time. But now I’ve had enough of it. Especially because my opinion about society becomes clearer and clearer every time, I really want to feel safe now. My heart would appreciate that. But it’s not easy to get. 🙁

I’ll somehow go home later today, though every movement hurts my head and all I can do is lay, currently, because I feel very weak. I hope I can trade cooking days because I can’t cook for my family currently. Also I hope for Graeyniss forehead kisses and vegetable soup…

This cute Catje is photographed by Tranmautritam

~~~

17:58 (05:58 PM)

My mother is going to make me some soup yayss. 🙂 This reminds me of my past. I was often sick as a child. E.g. continuous vomiting from the migraines I used to have from age 6. When I was sick and my father(?) was often out clubbing, she let me lay in her bed next to her and refreshed my vomit bucket and gave me forehead kisses.

Suffering from a similar weakness makes me think that I shouldn’t be alone ever. What if I get ill / pass out when I’m in Antwerp? I wish I had a companion, my meoww. But it’s like that type of gentleman doesn’t exist or something. Mostly, I come across the “All women can do is cook, go shopping and suck dick,” type of boy I wish to assassinate.

My mother just told me some very good news I desperately needed to hear. A couple of months ago I helped my grandmother make a claim for a refund of this stock savings account she had years ago. Now she’s had news that she’ll get a refund of 85%. 😀 I heard that I’ll get a good share of it. Big yaysss! 😀 I might not have to worry about paying for school and I might even be able to start building up some savings and stuff yahaayy. 😀 Though my head still hurts, my heart now feels uplifted. 🙂 I hope I could also buy some new glasses and have enough for the down payment of my future rent.

Meoww before I go back to bed pet mode – now at home, my mother picked me up at my aunt’s 🙂 – I’ll have to cancel tomorrow’s appointment with my psychotherapist(‘s assistant), because I can’t drive to Amsterdam with the feeling of being able to pass out at any second still though… Ciao xxx.

(I might be awake at night again, for I’m sleeping through the day a lot now, so then it might be cattime again. On Twitter I share when my blog is updated. 🙂 )

~~~

Images, Media, Online Diary, Videos

“Writing FangCatje” [Tuesday, July 9, 2019]

01:27 (AM) 

My Catje ♥

The July 4th version of myself has intentions of finishing and submitting FangCatje today for distribution (intangible 🙁 ). But I’ve been busy…

Haha just kidding not really busy busy – it’s all unpaid and unrecognized so it’s not really work they would say � – but fatigue and social situations I’ve decided to engage in.

Such as the surprise barbecue, birthday restaurant dinner, psychiatric surveillance check-ups… And chilling with my little cousins at my aunt’s (their grandmother’s) yesterday. 😀


I was stunned to see that my little cousin, Lila Sky, of two years old – three this Sunday – can operate my phone so well. Especially because my grandmothers of 77+ I have to re-explain how to use a smartphone every single time.

Her sister Tara Fe is 10 years old 😸

She told me – without me asking her which is something I appreciate sooo much – that she aspires to become either a teacher or a doctor. Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs had an instant connection with her because we both enjoy discussing the concept of school.

I also pre-quizzed her yesterday, because she has a biology test today, with the topic of reproduction of flora and fauna (but nothing about sex). She did very well, so I think she’ll get a good grade. 🙂


She was correcting her mother on the pronunciation of my name ahahahahaha. 😂

I honestly find this one of my best pictures 😂

Tara took this picture and said that with the date on it, I’ll never forget the fun we had yesterday.

Now it’s in my diary, so it will be in the collective memories of us all forever. 🙂 ♥

Later at night yesterday I played basketball with my cousin who is their father. It was a lot of fun! We played “elevens” first and after that some one-on-one games. And then my tachycardia started acting up so we quit playing. Then headed to the best night shop I’ve ever seen – compared to the ones I visit – for some couples “Please bring me chocolate” duties. I’m in the possession of some Milka with hazelnuts now meow I genuinely feel spoiled and yay. 😸

Something else I’ve done yesterday is have a conversation with the experience expert whose internship is coming to an end. Especially the similarities in the experience of being the listening ear of our parents was very interesting.

Meow I’ll elaborate on that and the purpose of FangCatje – because second opinion, Antwerp, collective Stratagem and bookstore is it already clear now meow haha – after I’ve slept because meanwhile it’s exactly 3 AM and I’m very tired my meowww. When my aunt and Lila were at the playground and Tara was studying, I’ve been working on FangCatje and I intend to make some on paper miles for it today.

By the way FangCatje is FangCatje because I’m The Fangs and I’m a Catje too. 🙊

Sweet dreams my Catje ♥

~~~

14:11 (02:11 PM) 

Good afternoon 😸 ♥

So I want to tell you more about the purpose of FangCatje, I want to work on FangCatje itself and I want to make stew. Then making stew becomes the highest priority because food is a basic need and stew is not stew if it hasn’t been cooking for a long time. So, tut mir leid, I’m first going to shower, buy some meat and get that ready to boil and get soft. Then I’ll be back here to be your Catje meow meow meow. 😸

By the way, though studying in Belgium is cheaper than studying in the Netherlands, receiving collegekrediet – for the tuition fee – is only covered in the Netherlands? x_x Now I’ll be paying my tuition fee from the study loan I’ll receive to pay my living expenses… I’m actually against this system but it’s the quickest and easiest income. x_x

See you later xxx

~~~

20:54 (08:54 PM) 

Your Catje is back meowww.

Meanwhile I’ve finished the dinner I prepared

And I’ve babysitting my cousins againn and then chilled some with their mother/my cousin in law. 😀 Now I’m a tired Catje. 😴

I haven’t gotten to writing FangCatje at all today. 🙁 I think that tomorrow I’ll write a way simplified version because I have an appointment with my psychotherapist’s assistant (and not him if I’m correct) coming Thursday and wanted to send it (before) today.

But I’ll just write something that fits on like 1-2 A4 sheets tomorrow… So basic mweh. 🙁

By making it public, I hope people will understand why I consciously do what I do. I hope they’ll become my Catjes in real life, then. Because currently I’m not really allowed to bond with people from outside the story. So I hope that if I tell you my story, you will tell yours. We shouldn’t have to disguise these sides of ourselves. And I won’t be understood if you don’t know this side of me.

But I’m a tired Catje now. Watching Scare Tactics, which my cousin in law introduced me to before I left, as I’m typing this. This is actually genuinely making me laugh. 😂 That doesn’t happen enough my meow. 🙁

I was already tired when my brain dragged my limbs to the store earlier today. Currently it’s giving me hunger signals again. I’m going to eat something and then go to sleep my meoww.

Good night sweetie ♥

xxx

Online Diary

77 Days Left [Monday, July 8, 2019]

00:40 (12:40 AM) 

My Catje ♥

I hope you had a nice weekend. 🙂 I wonder if you have plans for the Summer holidays. For me it will be living through the planning I’ve said “Yes,” to, for good reasons. But still I hope that there are a lot of people accross the globe who like to read my blog and who would like to get practical about it. It seems like this is something too controversial to openly express your appreciation for or something. While I’m not doing anything illegal. I hope someone will break the barriers between me living in toxic relationships “while the world knows”, but being some unemployed person who’s battling the incorrect schizophrenia diagnosis, who will start a new life in Antwerp in 77 days in real life, and me consciously provocatively giving “the whole world” so many topics to discuss with me openly and internationally. With me, not without me meow I’m lonely enough already. 🙁

77 days is long, my meow. 🙁 Gladly I have enough time to set up my store before the curriculum starts now yay. If I break my family ties, I’ll have no financial safety net at all anymore. So it’s very important that I have enough opportunities to earn (without having to apply for a job and having to prove myself for some recruiter ugh ew 😩 ).

Finding Love

I really wonder if I’ll find love in Antwerp. It would be awesome my meoww. I’m so lonely. 🙁 And after leaving this life behind for good which I won’t tell anyone new I meet because I don’t like talking about the drama in my life when I want someone to like me (but then if I want that person to know who I am there’s no other way but to vent all of this drama 😩 ), I’ll for sure need someone who cuddles me to sleep every night even more than I do now.

It won’t be easy to find someone who’s hotter than Victishe. I was so surprised when I had a conversation with him for the first time, thinking: “You are so perfect meowww.” 😻 It’s too bad he’s unapproachable for me now. 🙁 Especially because now if I’d be exclusive with someone, I want to think and feel: “There’s no one sweeter than you. There’s no one I find more attractive than you. There’s no one I can be myself with more than you.” He (or she but I think a he is more likely to happen because I really can’t tell when another female likes me and what I should do then) has to be someone I can grow old with. I don’t know if I want that relationship to be monogamous with getting married and having children et cetera, or more of an intimate group of friends with whom I share the same ambition. The second option sounds far more appealing to me, because I don’t like the isolation of intimacy that comes with a monogamous relationship. I’d rather have a very close relationship with everyone I find attractive, who finds me attractive. I wonder if the older men who I find the most attractive would dare to take that chance with me. Many people might be jealous of how hot we’ll be together. 🙈

Hehe I really genuinely hope we’ll become a D.O.C.I.S. family. Once there’s no family circle family who (if not physically then verbally or strategically) interferes in my relationships anymore, we’ll have free game yays. 😻 77 days left.

Those are my pre-bed thoughts.

Sweet dreams, my Catje ♥

xxx

13:37 (01:37 PM) 

It’s Still Far from Optimal

Good afternoon 🙂

I’m going to stay over at my aunt’s again today. I really need a change of scenes every now and then.

Moving to Antwerp is a more drastic form of that same need. Though it’s more of me trying to create a better living environment for myself with what I have available. If I had more available, or if my father weren’t hoarding his money, I would have gone to the United States already for sure. When it comes to that, following a course in Dutch is a disadvantage. But moving to Antwerp is still the best I can do for myself.

Though this is all unnecessary and my offer for thinning out the world population by means of saving the planet and fixing my financial situation by speeding up the inheritance process if you know what I mean always stands. Once I’ve fully mastered the subject of mathematics as Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs, I can do that even better. It allows for a very interesting form of people management. 😂

When the Netherlands flood because of these dumb fucking idiots, you’ll think of me. Part of Belgium is below sea level as well. Maybe they do want to think ahead with me. 😜

By the way, aside from my financial situation being very unstable when I move to Antwerp, another problem will be, especially now that I mentioned my search for my significant other, that I know no one who could protect me there. Imagine the type of questions I’m asked on ASKfm being asked to me in real life, and I answer those questions because I’m just verbally open and not because I’m in to that person, but that person could still mistake it for me being into that person and whatever happens next I’ll have no one watching over me. Mweh who can I trust in this life…

Meoww I’m going to get packing and cycle to my aunt’s xxx.

~~~

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Potato Montage [Sunday, July 7, 2019]

02:54 (AM) 

That Type of Montage Where you see a Protagonist with a big Stack of Books Processing Everything to get Something big Done with “Intense” Sounding Background Music

Hey my Catje ♥

I hope that not seeing you today doesn’t mean that you’re not real.* I hope that people keeping up with my blogging, who actually can relate to this and also want to be open about this really exist. (Please I really don’t want another crisis center hell.) But yesterday was a reminder that I shouldn’t assume that anyone will ever take any work out of my hands.

Please don’t get me wrong. The people in my circle always come off as very happy and nice people. I know you’re wise enough to formulate your own opinion and won’t let my opinion influence you if you ever were to spend time with them.

I’m just an outcast. It hurts too much to see reality confirm that every time. We’re very different people, my circle and I. I’ve been laughing about their jokes for decades. I even know the algorithm so well that, in the past, I’ve been making the same type of jokes. But my actual sense of humor is never understood. It’s as if we don’t even speak the same language.

It’s no use trying to explain this. I have no intentions of harming their online or offline identity. All I want to do is – for the sake of my mental health – cause an irreversible break-up. In more than 500 posts I’ve been trying to tell you why, but I see I just can’t make you feel what I feel, if it’s still not clear. When I move to Antwerp, no one will know my address. That’s the type of distance I aspire to create.

My mind is somewhere much further in the distance. This distance becomes larger every single day. Small talk becomes a greater disturbance for me every day. I seek people with whom I can, for example, discuss my selection of books. And then discuss it with self-formulated arguments and not “all those books are bad”, without having read them. Let’s cuddle and read or something…

*Maybe you’re in the same outcast position and know how not easy it is to speak up without consequences. I’m using this silent but loud escape tactic to pave the way for those who are in the same situation as I.

I just want to reform the system and want people to know who I really am. Meanwhile I need to get by. So that’s why I’m working on FangCatje, to clear my name and maybe earn a little. Then I have the book store to hopefully earn enough in combination with study financing. (Ugh why do people keep telling me to get a job it’s such an insult to me.) And then I’ll start being a regular student and hope someone powerful and influential notices me at some point, so that I can become Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs and make the world a better place with my global reform strategies.

In that way, I can do this all by myself as far as this can be done by one person alone. But the road is long and dreadful though and I actually don’t want to do it because I spend far too much time behind a screen meow that’s so awful. As long as none of my “fans” – if they exist –  offers me practical support, I have no other choice but to do this to get there.

Those are my pre-bed thoughts.

Good night ♥

xxx

12:21 (PM) 

Another Attempt to Make Myself Clear

Good afternoon 🙂 ♥

I’m still in bed. This is where I strategize most often.

Last night, I mentioned my aspiration to vanish in such a way that I move somewhere else without anyone knowing my new address. This is what I tried in 2017 (but then as a homeless person instead of even having a roof above my head), not thinking of being reported missing because I was already trying to get settled in to my new life.

I find it hard to express this wish of mine to my circle, because I love them and we have an extremely long history together. I also don’t want everyone to think that they’re the cause of me wanting to leave not only this circle but also leave this country forever. It’s just a good 75% of people who makes me want to do that. Haha. Those with the toxic personalities. Not the silent outcasts, but the narcissists who are like bloodsuckers for attention. They have already drained all of my energy energy draining type of vampires. I don’t want to endure that anymore. For my birthday I want distance. A new life. (And if they’ll, as they say, “miss me that much” they can just read my blog but they hate my blog so therefore they hate me and therefore why the fuck are they still in my life.)

I find it hard to express my wish to leave this life behind me to their faces. It really feels similar to a break-up. But to my parents I’ve mentioned this wish repeatedly and they always tell me “That’s not gonna happen.” If you’d have invested in me I could have hired you a maid to change your diapers. But now I’ll need everything to pay off my student debt. It’s gonna happen for sure even if it’s the last thing I do.

I hope that the spontaneous “surprise” hired barbecue catering yesterday confirms for you too that the financial struggle I (not my family but I alone) have been living through is completely unnecessary. The stress that comes with an income below the minimum income is not healthy and to then also have 75% personalities I find toxic in my life is really not healthy. It has been feeding my death wish in the last 12 years. It’s like there’s no way to escape them.

When I say that I strive towards distance when I move out, I don’t mean moving a few blocks away and celebrating the holidays together. I mean that for your funeral I’ll send a bunch of flowers and that’s it. Distance. Never again will I feel that feeling of pain in my chest their offensive words cause and no more toxic memories will be added to the many toxic memories that replay in my head over and over.

My current issue with creating this distance is that I’ll have to rent a moving van to transfer all of my belongings from Capelle to Antwerp, but will they let me do this and will they leave me alone and not report me missing again… Why do they make it so hard for me to move on. 😢

I want more time to work on FangCatje. I’m also having second thoughts about therapy in general again. Because this far every therapist has been forcing me to not only keep in touch with my circle but “improve my relationship” with my circle. I can’t hear something like that EVER AGAIN. THERE IS FUCKING NOTHING TO IMPROVE. WE ARE OPPOSITES. IMPROVEMENT IS WHERE I FIND LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IN A COMPLETELY NEW LIFE DAMMITTTTT HOW IS THAT SO HARD TO BE OBVIOUS!??!!!?!

Culture

Oh and I have something important to say about “black people-ism”: Once my parents from my grandparents took over raising me, I’ve been hearing the words “koelie, bokoe, boeroe, ptata,” et cetera like they were normal things to say. I apologize for that person I’ve been when I was younger. I learnt this type of empathy when I was years older. Though in my environment people still treat each other like stereotypes – AND I HATE THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING – I now don’t go along in a conversation like that anymore if it goes that way. An example of fucking annoying stereotyping like that is saying “Dutch/white people/ptatas only eat tasteless food in portions that are too small.” I’ve been hearing shit like that from birth and have been saying it myself because I believed my family was teaching me facts. But they’ve been teaching me bullshit.

I now see that Dutch economic food portions come from both their heritage (e.g. the scarcity of the hongerwinter and elements of that kitchen still prevalent today) and that they have to watch their emission because if we don’t live parsimonious the dykes will flood. (Something most Surinamese people don’t give a fuck about. I don’t give a fuck, too, but that’s just because I look forward to building something better.) Not all Dutch people only eat unseasoned potatoes and such and eat portions that are measured, for example, exactly how many potatoes per person. I love the serious side of this conversation and love to empathize with you (because I find the Dutch (or caucasian or general) search for an identity so sexy because they associate their identity with the big names in human history and then feel like shit let me give you some kisses meow you need to seek your identity only within yourself which is the easiest when you talk to me meow skip whatever the fuck some historic figure did). But simultaneously caucasians assuming that colored people have nothing to offer is heartbreaking and makes me want to murder whoever says something like that.

Some people I can sympathize with and want to improve their lives, some people I hate and want dead. It has nothing to do with where you are from or how many diplomas you have. Like my father says “Er zijn Marokkanen en er zijn geitenneukers,” [ = “There are Moroccans and there are goat fuckers.” Saying some are civilized and some are barbarians] I find that there are Surinamers and monkeys. And that there are Dutch people and FUCKING IGNORANT RACIST AARGH NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I ACTUALLY FUCKING HATE THEM.

My circle is 75% fucking monkeys. The post Surinamese slavery monkeys who stuff themselves because they think it’s their culture, not knowing what influence it has on their health and still associating their eating behavior with some type of fucking absurd (food culture) superiority.
[Trippy sentences and I didn’t explain the words in between apostrophes (like koelie) but I hope the rest of the paragraph has made it clear to you.]

I noticed some of the insecurity that this widespread sense of Surinamese/black (food culture) superiority has caused very clearly yesterday, when I was having a conversation with some Dutch friends of my mother. To them I mentioned how much I’ve repeatedly been told that my parents loved salmon they prepared in their smoke oven, that one day when I decided to not accompany them to their friends, that my father’s birthday present was a smoke oven. They were surprised to hear that they loved it so much. Then I heard the back story of how they ended up preparing that salmon and heard the insecurity about what to prepare that my parents would enjoy. They thought that they don’t eat potatoes. (Only boiled unspiced potatoes are not often appreciated, but that has nothing to do with ethnicity. Stamppot or grilled potatoes with skin seasoned with rosemary and sea salt et cetera is something some Surinamese people, due to the history that intertwines with Dutch history, eat too. (Yes unfortunately those who refuse to eat “white people food” exist as well.))

Meanwhile I’ll feel the need to rip the person’s head off when someone tells me “Your favorite food must be chicken.” And if you think that I’m some uneducated monkey who casts spells and doesn’t know how to use a fork YOU WILL FUCKING DIE VERY FUCKING SOON.

So do not think I’m another stereotypical black person who thinks black people are superior, because then you might get fanged by me. I’m dealing with the very difficult cultural related position I’m in, because of the monkeys I’m sharing my culture with. Monkeys ruin it for non-barbarian colored people. I’m The Fangs with a very complex outlook on life because I can oversee everything from the perspective of empathy. (And I’m out for blood yay. 😀 )

Meoww I need so much more time to work on FangCatje if I want it to be something to be proud of. 🙁

By the way I think that with my writing I’m actually directly transferring my exact feelings to you and these feelings need to become happy feelings because my feelings of pain are unbearable. You can feel it? Meow please give me a reason to write happy things because my pain suuucks and I assume that we both want to feel good.

I have so much to say still meoww but typing is so time consuming and I still have no staff feeding me and stuff so that I can focus on what’s important so mweh I’m going to eat – against the principles of eating safe but from the options I have here still the most safe – left-overs. I’m saving up on interpunction to get information to you faster which is working yay. But where are my kisses meow don’t leave me alone to die alone if you’re sexy please. 😢

~~~

17:09 (05:09 PM) 

Ragdoll Mode

Meow I’ve been making time to work on FangCatje, but I feel that my body wants mental rest. The problem is that the real mental rest comes when I’ve permanently distanced myself from the toxic relationships in my life. That is costly because maintaining my life abroad while being a student is costly.

This issue kind of makes me want to lay in bed without moving forever. Entering ragdoll mode. But that won’t make me Illuminatus Intelligens ProfFangs.

Meow I should be refreshing my knowledge of mathematics though. But I need this online bookstore because it could be the side-income I’ll need very much, to get by. I wish someone would help me. 🙁

~~~

Online Diary

The Desire to Vanish [Saturday, July 6, 2019]

01:48 (AM)

Heys ♥

Instead of sharing my pre-bed thoughts with you – since I passed out a while after I uploaded yesterday’s post – I’ll now share my after waking thoughts with you.

Quicksand

Not so long ago, I described the prospect of a day like this like slowly drowning in quicksand. I don’t want to experience it, but time still works towards it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Have you ever received a question like: “You hate me, don’t you?” or “You think I’m dumb/untalented, don’t you?” It’s so annoying. Of course I’m not going to give an honest answer. I always respond: “No, of course not,” and then try to come up with some valid sounding argument to back that up. But sometimes I think the opposite of that so much that I’m just silent after that, thinking about how things would go down if I answer honestly. “OF COURSE I DO! WHY DO YOU EVEN ASK?” And then back that up with 1001 arguments starting from my childhood.

I’ve been wanting to vanish for so long that I don’t even remember a moment where I didn’t want to vanish. The only thing stopping me is that I’m not old enough to offer myself luxurious financial stability yet. I’m wise enough, but it takes time to build up healthy finance, without financial support.

[A higher salary comes with age and experience – seriously the amount of money someone of age who knows how to spend and manage savings is wow with the time-advantage. Something I’ll have to be patient for, now that I have years and years of student life ahead of me. I’ve always said that if I can’t make it by making my sole proprietorship grow, I’ll keep studying until I have at least one title in front of my name. I’m now actually combining starting a completely new life by myself with getting that acknowledgement I need to succeed.]

The social circle you start your life with, comes from being born where you’re born. There’s nothing you can do about that. Though we could leave.

They’re not letting me go. Yesterday, before they left to go party, my “uncle” reminded me that my parents have changed my diapers and they expect me to change their diapers. “That’s often one of the reasons why people make children,” was all I could reply. I hope I can get a good consensus when I leave this place for good. Changing the diapers of your child is an obligation, offering moral and financial support to a child wanting to establish a serious independent career is a choice. A choice my parents don’t want to make. That’s all you need to do to take care of me ever – instead of threatening to beat me whenever I do something you don’t like because that is not parenting but fear tactics – so if you don’t take care of me then don’t expect me to take care of you.

A big social event is approaching and I can’t do anything about it.

Acknowledge The Fangs and all of our Problems are Solved

Everyone knows that I have this blog, but not everyone wants to read it. If you do, you must have good reasons why. I hope it’s because you find a relatable soul here. I really hope you do see something real in me.

People often don’t understand why I share every single aspect of my contemporary life here, while I desire to have a serious professional career. I’ve noticed that people have to hide their soul in such environments. It is one of my aims to revolutionize this. Sure, people might attack us for every unique thing we do (and then share publicly) – because they’re talentless fucks. We still should never hide the rough diamonds that we really are.

Plus I can get creative with and about anything, so whatever it is that is stopping you from allowing us to become Graeyniss friends: it will be solved. Especially when I’m a professor yays. 😀  I hope that the way I’ve been reflecting my intelligence here will allow me to receive a short track towards it, the way I was offered special classes for the intelligent in primary school. (That of writing essays and papers from the start.)

I really wonder how the ones with whom I was in that unique IQ class are doing. I wonder if they also feel like this society has nothing to offer and they don’t understand us at all.

People don’t understand how intelligent people can decide to drop out. They want me to be dumb like them. I hate that so very much.

Though I consider the chance of it actually happening very small, I really hope to see you today. I’ll feel like a potato again if you don’t surprise me with your presence today. Please please please! 🙊 Allow me to be myself. I’ll finally be able to give honest answers for once and then start to live a truly happy life.

Meoww I’m going “to still my hunger” and then go back to sleep.

Good night and I really hope to see you today please my sweet Catje. ♥

xxx

12:58 (PM)

Good afternoon ♥

The feeling of tension keeps me wrapped up in my bed. I’m getting very hungry now though – probably one of the reasons why I have tachycardia.

Please don’t Potato me Today

“Will I meet some Graeynissis today?” “Will I be Graeynissless today and want to hide in my room like an underground potato?”
Please give some hearing to your desire to vanish, today. Let’s hit the road and talk about it. 😀 It doesn’t matter that that will be our first time alone, because I’ll know what to ask you and you’ll know what to ask me, so it will be like we’ve known each other for years. 😀 And imagine the thrill of doing something that has never been done before in the history of ever, together with the perfect stranger. 😻

“Stay with your (family) circle,” is a “rule” that is very prevalent in Surinamese culture. “Because the outside world can harm you and we love you and want to protect you.” Do you want to protect me, or do you want your diapers changed and an ear that listens to your monologues? What if it’s the (family) circle that harms you?

Exactly. Then you become like The Fangs vanishing and having this trippy blog screaming for help in trippy ways. Like is this a story or is this a real life? It’s a real life that has invited you to a party over here. 🙂 Please be my companion. 😻

Please be here [Bachstraat 123 in Capelle aan den IJssel] before 5 PM. (The invitation says 16:30 because Surinamese people are often late.) The dress code is very casual but still looking like life is great. So sunglasses in your hair or something and wearing your best smile. 😀 I hope to see how it looks on you 😻

I’ll share my plate with you. 🙂 Assuming that you haven’t contacted my mother (who, by the way, is 56) to tell her that you’re attending. It could have been my phone number on there, but I have this blog so have not much tolerance for “Hey, how are you doing?” because the answer to that rethorical question can be found here and it is thus better to dive into what you know right away. Start the conversation with “So you want the Netherlands to flood?” or something. We can go so wildly far into depth together my meoww. This blog is the diving board for it. (Another reason why I stay away from phone conversations is my ANWB phone anxiety… Mathematics yays.)

Meowss I’m going to eat some and work on FangCatje. I really hope to see you later meow please don’t potato me. 🙁 You’ll be hugged on sight meoww especially if you’re Victishe. 😻 And then too many cheek kisses from my yays yay. 😀

Èh I want to brush my teeth to eat but the shower was just taken. So I’ll flip myself over and wait a little. Tot later yays. 🙂

Meoww this pretty Catje looking like he/she needs a break from life all smooth is photographed by David Bartus.

~~~

15:42 (03:42 PM)

An Important Notice

I’ve just been given the chore of picking up my grandmothers, so I won’t be home until about 04:30 PM. Please wait until I’m home so that I’m certain that you’ll be allowed in. Please don’t let that make you not come to morally support me and keep me happy. I really need your hugs my meow. 🙁

~~~

18:14 (06:14 PM)

Potato Update

Sad Potato Catje 🙁

Antwerp Antwerp Antwerp

~~~

19:59 (07:59 PM)

Potato Update 2.0

I’m missing you, my meow. 🙁
Now I kind of feel like getting wrapped up in bed pet Cuddle mode.
But playing cards now which is quite yay.

~~~

Online Diary

LilFangs.com’s 500th post [Friday, July 5, 2019]

17:53 (05:53 PM)

This is Post Number 500

Good pre-evening, my dear reader ♥

When I started this blog, I did not expect to reach 500 posts that fast. But yay, another milestone and here I am by myself eating chips behind my laptop. This is my second time this year buying chips.

There are over 159000 words on this blog, written in about a year. All written with the intention of explaining my idea for a revolution to you – a plan so large that I still have quite some things to lecture you on yay 😀 – and using my survival instinct to create some future stability for myself. I’m so glad that we’re on the right track now and always have been on the right track 🙂 .

Meoww my Graeyniss. When I, yesterday, heard that even (Dutch) politics is going to initiate its holiday – while the threats in this world never sleep – that made me realize: since I started this blog, I’ve been telling you [summarized]: “Pleaseeeee just do this thing where someone of a high status goes into proletaria [a crowded 9-to-5 workers neighborhood like mine] with a lot of security people around him/her, come to my house and let us make a recording of you saying that you like my work and then we could start making plans together and make your ideas and ideals part of the D.O.C.I.S. [= the one and only future]!”

I couldn’t think of a truly suitable moment for it – and I just want to get a chance to build a serious status for myself and move the fuck out of my parents’ house – so I’ve been saying that all-year-round. But now I realize that the Summer is the very best moment for it 🙂 . Sorry for not realizing that earlier. Because the structure of my schedule has basically been the same since 2017, I have no sense of holidays and other social obligations.

But it would be sooo awesome if we could chill together at least all Summer, my Graeyniss. 😻 Most people find the words of intelligent people tiring to process, so they’ll want a break from us, but we can’t stop being us, constantly thinking of the way the world is and how to shape this in our way, so we better give those demons a permanent break and form a Summer Alliance or something 😀 .


Of course chilling together in the Egmond Summer crib is not that realistic. But I would really appreciate it if you’d want to hang out with me, because I would so love to throw around my entire Summer schedule for you. 😻

In almost every post of mine, I attempt to evoke my readers. It hasn’t been working out yet, which makes me feel a bit like I’m putting in a lot of effort and get nothing for it in return (which unfortunately is very true, all I see is some statistics, but they’re not even money statistics), but I won’t stop trying until I succeed. Chameleon style, I try it in a different way every time.

I hope you’ll be my wild Graeyniss and give me a reason to pack my bags to come live with you tomorrow, being my +1 Catje at my father’s 50th birthday. The house is already decorated with garlands (? “slingers) and stuff haha how cute. I often feel much older than my parents or something.

Meowss I’ll be figuring out what to eat, now that my parents are outdoors to celebrate the end of their work week. After that, I’ll be working on FangCatje.

Before I go to sleep, I’ll be here to share my pre-bed thoughts with you. (If I didn’t pass out from hunger by then haha I don’t want to eat proletarian food anymore but I have no other choice but what to cook now. 😩 ) See you later xxx

~~~

Sea sailboat
Online Diary

Clear View [Thursday, July 4, 2019]

09:24 (AM)

Good morning 🙂 ♥

My night was quite good, though everything that’s going on is making me feel restless – very noticable during meditation last night.

It’s my father’s 50th birthday today, so we’re going out for dinner tonight. In the meantime I’ll spend my time creating a day-to-day schedule of business tasks for myself, starting ahead with selecting books for my store (now that I know what’s available) and working on FangCatje.

You’ll love what the store will have to offer! Not only my selection of books: the very unique way in which products will be offered: from packaging to the personalized letter on special paper, which is your order summary, to the monthly subscription you could select, receiving a selection of books every month (and then being part of the D.O.C.I.S. Book Club)!!! 😻

Yaay I’ll get listing and eating breakfast and stuff yays have a great day xxx

Sea sailboat

The featured image is made by Pedro Sandrini.

~~~

18:40 (06:40 PM)

Meoww I’ve been busy doing back-end things for the D.O.C.I.S. Store, The Fangs and my blog all day. And making the list of books the D.O.C.I.S. Store will start off with 🙂 .

The D.O.C.I.S. Shelf

The product range of the D.O.C.I.S. Store is not very large – for I only sell the books I like/am interested in myself. That’s why the store part of The D.O.C.I.S. Store is called The Shelf.

With my selection, I hope to give you refreshing perspectives on life. Some books on the list are very controversial and in some countries even forbidden. That I recommend it with you doesn’t mean that I agree with the ideas and/or doctrines in every book. I’m just pushing through my propagandist agenda, wanting you to formulate your own opinion. We won’t be reading summaries and opinions about the books, but the books themselves. I would love to talk about the contents of the books in the context of today’s society and our own perception. Consider it a Neo-Renaissance, making forgotten works relive.

Here is what the D.O.C.I.S. Store will sell:

  1. Propaganda
    by Edward L. Bernays (in English)
  2. Mein Kampf / My Struggle
    by Adolph Hitler (in German and in English)
  3. Holy Bible
    the King James Version (in English)
  4. Qu’ran
    (in English…)
  5. I Always get my Sin
    by Maarten H. Rijkens (in Dutch)
  6. Bonita Avenue
    by Peter Buwalda (in Dutch)
  7. De Vrije Negerin Elisabeth / The Free Negress Elisabeth
    by Cynthia McLeod (in Dutch and in English)
  8. Letters from a Stoic
    by Lucius A. Seneca (in English)
  9. Aeneis / Aeneid
    by Publius Ovidius Naso (in Latin and in English)
  10. Il Prinipce / The Prince
    by Niccolò Machiavelli (in Italian and in English)
  11. Serotonine / Serotonin
    by Michel Houellebecq (in French and in English)
  12. Crystallizing Public Opinion
    by Edward L. Bernays (in English)
  13. Wij zijn ons Brein / We are our Brains
    by Dick F. Swaab (in Dutch and in English)
  14. Wolf
    by Gerard Reve (in Dutch)*
  15. The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money
    by John M. Keynes (in English)
  16. The Wealth of Nations
    by Adam Smith (in English)
  17. Van de Koele Meren des Doods / The Deeps of Deliverance
    by Frederik W. van Eeden (in Dutch and in English)
  18. Hoe Duur was de Suiker? / The Cost of Sugar
    by Cynthia McLeod (in Dutch and in English)
  19. De Zwarte met het Witte Hart / The Two Hearts of Kwasi Boachi
    by Arthur Japin (in Dutch and in English)
  20. The Merchant of Venice
    by Shakespeare (in English)
  21. Het Diner / The Diner
    by Herman Koch (in Dutch and in English)
  22. Twee Vrouwen / Twice a Woman
    by Harry Mulisch (in Dutch and in English)
  23. Utopia
    by Thomas More (in English)
  24. Critique of Judgment 
    by Immanuel Kant (in English)
  25. 1984
    by George Orwell (in English)
  26. Lijmen/Het Been / Soft Soap/The Leg
    by Willem Elsschot (in Dutch and in English)
  27. Tirza
    by Arnon Grunberg (in Dutch and in English)
  28. Shutter Island
    by Dennis Lehane (in English)
  29. Max Havelaar of de koffij-veilingen der Nederlandsche Handelsmaatschappy / Max Havelaar or The Coffee Auctions of the Dutch Trading Company
    by Multatuli (Eduard D. Dekker) (in Dutch and in English)
  30. Eline Vere
    by Louis Couperus (in Dutch and in English)
  31. The Center of Everything
    by Laura Moriarty (in English)
  32. Doctor Faustus
    by Cristopher Marlowe (in English)
  33. Die Ringparabel / The Ring Parabola
    by Nathan der Weise (in German and in English)
  34. Quantum Consciousness
    by Stephen Wolinsky & Kristi L. Kennen (in English)
  35. Dictionaries and thesauruses in all languages of the people D.O.C.I.S. International has reached 😀

* I would love to sell this book, but it seems like it’s not available anywhere anymore. I’m lucky to own a copy of it myself. (The same goes for all of the books my grandfather has left us.)

This is what I’d like to resell to you. The book of the month/book of the season (for the Book Club), when the D.O.C.I.S. Store officially opens, will be Propaganda. The gift of the month/gift of the season will be my favorite type of brandy 😀 .

Much rather than reselling, I’d like to design my own hardcovers and write introductions for the D.O.C.I.S. International edition of these books I would like everyone on the planet to read. Many of the books on that list I know from literature classes in school. It would be so interesting to have an international discussion about the concepts in these books. 😀 😀

But to have D.O.C.I.S. International editions I need a printing press, a distribution center and staff and for that I need an investment and for an investment I need to know generous people and approachable with money and I don’t know where to find those 🙁 . So for the time being, I’ll be reselling these yays. If you pay enough, I can also include some of my own works in hardcover editions, printed out at a local print shop… Mweh my budget life x_x. But yays for my wild Propagandistness. 😀

Other Decisions

By means of saving time, I decided to not finish my self-made WordPress theme anymore. I’m not getting it the way I want it to look anyway, for I’m not a professional programmer or anything. And I have quite a few unused premium WordPress themes I haven’t been making use of, so until I have my staff and financial support, I better use those… The Fangs now has a pretty theme 🙂 .

Meowss I have a lot more to tell you, but we’re going out for birthday dinner now and my brain is fried from sitting behind this laptop screen alllll day.

Oh quickie. I’ve set some deadlines:

  • FangCatje: July 9th
  • The D.O.C.I.S. Store: July 20th
  • D.O.C.I.S. International: July 19th
  • The Fangs: September 1st

Bis später xxx

~~~

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Lil Tension [Wednesday, July 3, 2019]

11:29 (AM)

Good morning ♥

Cold Feet

Meoow the tension I feel now is intense 🙁 . The decline of stress I spoke of is, I realize now, that after the Summer this is all over and I can finally start to get happy (though the road to professorship is fuuuucking long and costly…). But in the meantime there are at least three months for me here where I’ll still have to endure these lowkey tense social situations and be without money.

I woke up with the thought: The prospect of having my studies in Belgium as my occupation is amazing, but meanwhile I’ll have to survive this Summer full of family events.

The reason why I’m going to Curaçao, for example, is because my mother, a few weeks ago, begged me to come along because otherwise my sister has to travel back to the Netherlands alone and she’ll have no one to chill with. But she can get along better with the rest of the family than with me.

Ever since that fight where she said that I’m not worthy of her attention, I have been trying to stay away from her as much as I can. How can one make such a disgusting statement.

But she’s my sister and I still care about her. The only reason why I said “yes” to going to Curaçao is because I feel the need to care for my sister and I can’t say “no” to my mother’s pout lip. Fucking annoying.

Ever since that fight, which we haven’t even really discussed afterwards, we exchange words even less than when the schizophrenia bullshit started and she, too, betrayed me by saying that “I need to get better”. I was never even sick.

We barely talk to each other. All I can think of talking about with her is our youth, our family and our future, but my god I will have even less patience to hear her defend “The people she loves,” another time. How the fuck are we going to survive a flight of more than 9 hours together?

I don’t want to go anymore 🙁 . I’m going for her and the last extensive exchange of words we’ve had is the one where she said that she’s taking my parents’ side and I am not worthy of her attention. What the fuck man that wound can never heal. I want to discuss this but I don’t see this not ending up in another fight.

[The same goes for that Jam situation where he said: “I don’t want to become a second Benoît Crutzen,” do you have any fucking idea what the fuck you are even talking about? (& Do you really think that that is even possible?)]

I don’t want to go anymore, but my plane ticket has no cancellation insurance. It’s like slowly drowning in quicksand. Can’t we transition my ticket to a ticket for one of her friends or something?

If you’re old enough to consciously insult me multiple times, you’re old enough to travel by plane by yourself for sure.

Then there’s this weekend’s ugh. I really need at least a +1 – a new face, who doesn’t know any of the attendants – for this but I don’t have any fucking friends x_x. I don’t want to endure that surprise party meow please help me. 😢

Will you throw a goodbye party when you move to Antwerp?
No. 😢

Will you come back to the Netherlands to celebrate your 23rd birthday?
No. 😢

Will you come back for Christmas?
No. 😢

I really want to move on.

Graeynissis please give me a fun Summer project to make mathematics and the concept of (non-business-making-profit-related) research sexy and popular and save my from all of this social tension 🙁 .

~~~

13:26 (01:26 PM)

Tachycardia

I wish I didn’t have to endure this figurative feeling of slowly drowning in quicksand while I can’t do anything about it. My relatives are the one with money and I thus currently need them to survive. Of course, when I’m ProfFangs I won’t need them anymore. Even when I’m WorkingTowardsBachelorFangsWithEnoughMoneyForDownPayment Fangs, I can provide for myself. But currently I’m the puppet of my father who doesn’t want to share his wealth with me the way he should. He’s turning 50 tomorrow. I don’t have money for a gift.

I just obey their wishes because I don’t want to endure another all-versus-one when they know that I’m trying to escape them. It’s very important that there will be no escalations these Summer, because I don’t want to end up in a fucking crisis center or worse again. But meow I want these people out of my life. We only spend time together because we have the same blood, not because we have anything else in common. They’re not intelligent enough for me.

You can all take an example from Catje Camillus who just posted a comment on this post.
Unfortunately I don’t even have money to travel myself. If anyone could offer more direct support like calling the police (but they’re crooked so mweh it might not be effective) or the FIOD, taking me in as their house Catje, financially supporting my business/my studies, that would be great. As great as posting a comment on the post I’m currently writing!!! ♥

Meoww when I think of all of those family events and how broke I am and stuff, I feel my heart beat increase like crazy and palpitations 🙁 . (Pretty interesting that my thoughts influence my heart rate.)

I am powerless against my family. They consciously don’t share their wealth with me the way they should, (supporting me in building up my independent living,) because they want me to take care of them when they retire, but that’s not going to happen. They’ve been my largest burden all my life. To receive my support later, you have to support me now and all I’ve received are sneak opposition tactics.

I want out, my meow 🙁 . I want to find people I can be myself with, who are like me. People who find me making up Fangs (BasketFangs, ProfFangs, Planet Fang, …) funny, like I do. And so on… Catjes like that are hard to find 🙁 .

It would be really cool if a Graeyniss blog reader Catje of mine would come to Saturday’s ugh surprise party, because then we can be anti-social wild Catjes and I will wrap my entire body around your arm and hide my face in your clothing all the time. 😂

Haha and then everyone at the party gets arrested and people be throwing knives at me so we have to be evacuated by a helicopter haha seriously helppp. 😂

~~~

15:36 (03:36 PM)

Further Questions

Has your goal in life changed again? You said you want to make it without a degree and now you’re already calling yourself ProfFangs.
My goals have never changed. I just want mass scale influence. First I wanted to do that through economic policy, then via PR, then as a publisher and now all in one as the mathematics professor who owns D.O.C.I.S. International. Master of a subject that touches on every subject, like Fangyism. It will be Illuminatus Intelligens Fangs, in actuality – expecting a little bow when you pronounce it – and I hope to make the brand big enough to have every university in the world on board for this revolution.
Just admit that you need these F-cup cuddlepillows by your side, my Graeyniss… I’d love to share my vision on gender in the academic field with you, by the way. It’s a nuance.

~~~

22:10 (10:10 PM)

Scusami meanwhile I chilled some with my aunt and went back home later to cook for my family and watched some television by means of trying to understand people better or something. Now I think I should follow a more elaborate course for that ahahaha.

I have more questions yay.

Further Further Questions

Will you unsubscribe your business from the Dutch chamber of commerce and quit your business activities when you go to Antwerp?
No. I still want to make my business thrive further and hope to earn my student side-income from D.O.C.I.S. Store sales. Especially because I’ve still received more financial support from the Dutch government than from my father, it seems fair to stay registered there. And when my business becomes bigger than Shell in the Netherlands, I want to be able to push my business ideals through through the government muhahahahaaaaaaaa. 😈
When I signed up for the university, I checked the box “I will combine my studies with my work.”

How will the D.O.C.I.S. Store compete with other businesses?
It’s a niche. I don’t want to compete with other businesses on scale, because I’ll be packaging and shipping every order by hand myself. It’s my intention to stand out by giving you the outmost personal shopping experience. The book(s) you purchase will be put in a special box with special gifts selected and non-digitally personalized based on your profile 🙂 . (Making books a luxury product 🙂 . ) I intend to price it in such a way that it won’t sell the way Ali Express does. It’s a Graeyniss store my meowsss.

What is on your current list of tasks for reform?

– Make list of books to sell in D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Set up D.O.C.I.S. Store
– Take down the Fangs store(s)
– Finish D.O.C.I.S. International website (including highlighted books from the D.O.C.I.S. Store and highlighted articles on front page)
– Finish WordPress theme and logos for The Fangs [I really hope that I’ll find some Graeynissis who would like to write for The Fangs 😻 ]

I hope to have this all done before the school year starts. Tomorrow my task is – aside from purchasing large hair elastics – to make a day-to-day schedule for the Summer, setting up D.O.C.I.S. International in such a way that I don’t have to do time consuming things for it when I’m studying.

Moet jij niet bij de ANWB zitten?
Mijn portemonnee zegt van wel. Mijn 😻 zegt ook van wel. Maar ik wil geen TBS voor stalking en ook geen gevangenisstraf voor doodsdreiging wanneer ik – in vergelijking met vorige zomer – mijn geduld verlies tegen die 🤢 klanten daaro. Plus voor mijn gevoel is er in de tussentijd teveel gebeurd om daar mijn gezicht nog te laten zien ofzo. (Ik zei in dat ene tyfusgesprek wel “Je boodschap is duidelijk,” maar weet nou nog steeds niet of ze wilde zeggen dat ik nooit meer welkom ben bij dat bedrijf.)

Nog steeds zie ik in de toekomst wel een ProfFangs en Victishe samen [mijn hart alsjeblieft ahahaauwww ik mis je haha echt random 😩 ]. Dat Catje is sowieso mijn lowkey rolmodel omdat zijn educatie geschiedenis voor mij heel hoopgevend klinkt. En hij is zo mooi aah helpp 😻 .

Ik heb het gevoel dat ik moet doorgeven dat ik er deze zomer niet bij zal zijn ofzo, omdat ik nog steeds wel mijn naam op die zomerlijstlijst had gezet en iemand daar €500 mee heeft verdiend. Maar ik kan gewoon niet meer communiceren met het niveau onder mijn niveau en dit Victishe skipt mij zo hard oh mijn god 😢 .

Gezien mijn statistieken van vorig jaar en het relatief grote aantal mensen van vorig jaar die dit jaar niet weer gaan, vraag ik me af of ze het benauwd zullen krijgen zonder mij. Op mijn beste dag heb ik 75 dossiers in 1 dag behandeld. Ik vraag me af hoe druk het dit jaar word…
Natuurlijk wil ik alles voor mijn Victishe doen, maar er is echt een grens. 😂
Al het werk dat ik daar kan doen ligt echt te ver onder mijn niveau. Het is ook mijn intentie om net zo lang door te leren dat ik nooit meer een proletariër zal zien. To seal the deal ahahaha. Maar ik hoop dat ik als ProfFangs (op de een of andere manier) nog wel wat voor Victishe zal kunnen betekenen ♥ .

Will you inform the university about your situation?
No, I find it hard to do that, because it’s a very sensitive topic and I don’t know what response I can expect. So I’ll just go there and act as regular student-ish as possible. Though a dysfunctional family has a lot of impact on someone’s learning focus (and drive).

What is more important to you: your career or your family?
My career. If that’s stable my survival is guaranteed much better. Schizophrenia and a crisis center, both for no reason, man. I’d like a very time-consuming occupation.

Do you think you should be offered a special program at the university and if yes, why?
I actually do think so. Because of my level of intelligence (it’s actually all too easy for me, and because it’s easy I’m less motivated to spend a lot of time on it, while I should because otherwise I can’t memorize that easy shiz for a test) and because I’m The Fangs with the largest online diary ever, containing an alternative scientific perspective. It would be nice if I could still learn from more than one field – what I described in that motivation letter – and get my degrees on a quicker pace. Pleaaaaseeee just let me read and write papers! 😢
I, honestly, still don’t want “the student experience”. But I’m very glad that the schedule mostly consists of lectures and no small group classes! 😀

Ahaha by the way, my father found out that there will be a surprise party because he saw a group chat on his friend’s (my “uncle”) phone. Not even via my blog, while even Canva knew. Haha my life. 😂 Please come party with me… 🙁

I’m off to bed, my meows.

Good night ♥

xxx

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Conscious [Tuesday, July 2, 2019]

12:31 (PM)

Good afternoon 🙂 ♥

My morning was great. After waking up, I flipped myself over back to sleep a few times. I love a bed in which I can roll around like a sea star. 😻 My aunt’s bed is of a size like that.

I woke up less stressed than I woke up yesterday and yesterday I woke up less stressed than the day before. Finally, a permanent decline is in sight. Once I have my own apartment in Antwerp, I know I will feel more safe than ever.

pizza and tea

And my breakfast is great 🙂

Conscious

“Those people are much more conscious than you,” is what my father said in the same discussion where he said that I shouldn’t study (abroad). This took place before we went to that surprise party I did keep a secret. He replied that when I said that I believe that consciousness is based on levels of intelligence, and that the empty routines of people living the same routine every single week should seize to exist, because resources are wasted but there is nothing added to the societal quality of life. (Those sentimental “My life is shit but it’s great,” things really have to stop. It’s fucking torture x_x.) To me, a life has meaning if its deeds can take it to a history book. That is what I strive towards. [My conscience was insulted once again.]

No one is more conscious than I am. Look at my conscience. Look at what I have been telling you. [This is all still a conscious stratagem. (Do you notice the reiteration of that statement?)]

By selecting a university just across the Dutch border, I hope that you see a physical confirmation of my verbal message. The decisions I make rarely seem logical to someone else, but I know they are the best decisions I can make. Every single time. From playing hints in a police interrogation to not studying at a top-ranked university: it will get me where I want to be. [I will get the acknowledgement of my intelligence and receive the right to spend time with my fellow deeds-so-great-it-is-history-in-the-making Graeynissis.]

It is important that I do not accept any physical and monetary gifts from my parents anymore. That will make it a lot easier for me to say goodbye forever. I already have a student debt of almost €14,000 for no reason. If I’d have conscious and genuinely supportive parents, I wouldn’t have to lend taxpayer money from the government. But since these parents love to see me bleed, it is important that they watch how I drag my bleeding self right across the border and they can’t do anything about it. (Oh except try to get me imprisoned for what I’ve been writing but then their problem is that this writing is my defense at the same time.) I’m so done of being emotionally torn down by these narcissists (that group is far larger than my parents only) and I wish Summer was over already. Plus – very important – I do not want my future to be funded with sourly spent fraud money.

Life is already not an every-week-is-exactly-the-same experience for many, but once I get my power – using mathematics and data – nothing will be the same at all, in a generally positive sense.

I’m the pawn of pawns, my pawn.

I’ll elaborate further on this, my yays et cetera, in a set of questions and answers, after my shower. Tot later xxxxx

~~~

15:00 (03:00 PM)

Questions

The question will be posed in this “full negative bias but acting innocent” way that is often used in mass media.

Why go to Belgium and study in Dutch if you speak English in almost all of your works?
Belgium is where the beating heart of the European Union lies, so it’s a great place to start off my career. I wouldn’t mind living in a deserted cottage somewhere in the Ardennen for a while.
Studying in Dutch is a lot easier for me, because it’s my native language and I have been taught the basics of mathematics in Dutch. It’s also a good way to not forget my native language. I use English more often than Dutch, because the only place where I elaborately express myself has been here on LilFangs.com and I see that it is influencing my Dutch syntax.
I hope to, in the future, and in my future works – including more mathematics yay 😀 – publish in more than one language more often.
Plus sexy Belgian accents 😻 .

Scusami I’m going to go to the store for a sec. At home already, all of my panties have disappeared and now I really need new onessss.

~~~

19:42 (07:42 PM)

I’m backkk. I proposed to cook for my aunt and I, because there’s this combination of flavors that has been on my mind for a while and I really wanted to try it out. It became of the best meals I’ve ever prepared 😻 .

brown rice [made yellow by koenjit, sereh, santen, some salt and a lime leaf], cod fish [first grilled and then cooked in a sauce of creme fraîche, baharat, saffron, lime and honey] and some spinach also cooked in baharat and honey. I can’t stop eating 😻 .

Anywayy back to these questions. I’m sitting on my aunt’s balcony writing this now 🙂 .

Why are you going back to college if you’ve been saying that you hate to study?
Because I’ve noticed that without a degree I can’t get what I want. People still think that I’m dumb… I find making tests a slow and ineffective way to learn for practice, but it’s what everyone does and experience has now taught me that there is no other way to gain information and receive acknowledgement for knowing it and having that capacity to learn. I still want to earn big money (making sure that I’ll never have to request support of family ever again) and I guess I should just work towards that in a more traditional way.

Why are you saying that you are going to move to Antwerp if you’ve literally said: “Ik zie mezelf niet “Welkom in mijn kot” zeggen”?
“Kot” is a (Flemish or at least southern Dutch) word for student house or house for non-lifetime settlement. I saw the word for the first time on the website of the university. To me, it sounded like “krot”, which means ugly house. But I’ve been checking out what koten are available in and near Antwerp, and they’re not bad at all. Much and much cheaper than in the Netherlands, also. If I wait about two months into the curriculum [fucking long still but it’s the only way ehh 😩 ], so until around November, I have enough for the down payment and fi-nal-ly move out and move on.

What will you do with your degree in mathematics?
Study forever, until I’m ProfFangs and I can be the go-to private Catje of all these Graeynissis and teach, as well as tell people cool stuff about the revolutionary things I’m adding to the subject of mathematics, introducing Fangyism 😀 .
I really want to do things with big data, self-constructed algorithms, finance and revolutionizing the routine of life on a large scale. ProfFangs 😀 .

Why not Delft?
Because then I’ll have no incentive to move out and I’ll have to wait until September 2020. And I really want to start my international experience of life as soon as possible, leaving my “home country” that sees me as a foreign alien anyway.

Why would I trust your words?
If you’re in doubt and you prefer to not trust me, don’t bother to try to trust my words. I just want my truth to be out there for those who do trust me, so that they won’t be left in the dark once they pick my side. In the future, I’ll have my own land, but space is limited (I want it to be the country with the greatest amount of living space per citizen), so it won’t be available to the entire world population, and thus I will have to select who I allow in. There will be no room for snakes there, so really: if you don’t trust me then keep on not trusting me. (Grrrrrr……)

To me, it seems like the internet has two types of people: people accusing and people defending themselves. The people accusing are often empty shells who have nothing to offer, so they want to be known as a sort of “resistance participant”. Know that the group of people accusing are always far greater than those who defend.

The people defending themselves often have big plans for the world, but evil propagandists keep putting dirt on their names. Real change – which requires knowledge of the system to understand, but not everyone is capable of learning so you know that big cleanup process of overpopulation will be inevitable at some point yes I wish it were different too – is being prohibited by those who put dirt on their names but never go in to what the defendants actually stand for. It’s all just a bombardment of gossip these people have to endure, indirectly deciding what their topics are. Examples of people in a situation like this are president Trump and Thierry Baudet. (And things would have been a lot different for me if I weren’t falsely reported missing for no fucking reason, by people who don’t want me to leave them, while that is my wish for a better life for myself.) It’s always all-versus-one and those who are impartial are still pushed to say that they’re left-wing/on the fake resistance side – a position I’ve been in for a very long time – because what right-wing in the Western world is, is still so unclear for many. And that is fuelled by that fake resistance. Real resistance, in this awful system no one actually likes, is having a real unique voice and fighting against the system that figuratively chains us to live a life we don’t want to live.

Meoww my cousin came by and we’ve been chilling all night so tomorrow I’ll continue this. But I’ll be blogging for a less large part of the day because I still need to finish FangCatje and my other D.O.C.I.S. websites (+ app + album + I want to already start with reading in for physics because I want to be the best my meowww). This won’t happen in a day, but blogging less will be more efficient. I won’t vanish on you though 😀 . I’ll re-strategize my approach on these things here tomorrow as well.

It’s already past twelve 🙈

Good night ♥

xxx

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