Heysss ♥ This is such a trippy sight! I can’t believe that it’s August already. It feels like 2019 has barely started and meanwhile it’s coming to an end. August is, internationally, ~the~ month of taking breaks. But D.O.C.I.S. won’t be participating in that for the year is coming to an end and I’m still not closer to the accomplishment of my goals than in 2017. That is why I’m stating some “before September 24th” objectives: Finish the online presentation of D.O.C.I.S. International Currently, everything of me online is all half-finished (or not even half-finished). Of course I can’t finish…Continue reading
My Graeynissis ♥ [ = My 10% most intelligent yays ♥ ♥ ♥ ] Thank you for checking in on me today. ♥ Just the thought that someone understands all that I’m rambling on here makes me feel like maybe some day I’ll get the help I need to permanently break contact with all of my current social circle and become a happy and healthy person. I’m being held in a social, financial and legal deadlock so I really can’t do this all alone. What happened yesterday is proof of this. [Long and detailed build-up to explaining why I refused…Continue reading
Heys my Graeysss ♥ ♥ ♥
Yesterday was yays. I chilled with my aunt we had a day of snacking fries and talking. I like that I can relate to her troubles so much. It makes me feel less alone.
Through the day I had a song stuck in my head because of this:
ai ai olga — Je bedoelt toch niet dat liedje he? https://t.co/r4BUtkvcbW
— The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 29, 2019
It was my intention to not answer to anything yesterday, but had seen this ASKfm “question” and I just couldn’t figure out what it meant. Until I thought of pronouncing it in a non-speaking way. It’s a song of which the chorus (translated to English) is: “Ai ai Olga if you don’t love me I will jump into the ice cold Volga (river in Russia),” about love-related suicide basically. I remember a teacher in primary school teaching us this song ugh what an awful memory. And in this “question” context it filled me with a sense of guilt.
I didn’t want to believe it. Not again. I really thought why do the people I’m in to always reject me/run away from me and why do I get chased by people who I’m not in to? I have rejected so many people and I really really really don’t like to do that because I know how much it hurts and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way.
Especially the baby emoji made me uncomfortable. The times I have rejected a “I want to start a family with you,” (often hearing that from someone I barely know) is not countable on my fingers.
zeker wel catje — Nee alsjebliefttt er zijn zo veel visjes in de zee https://t.co/wFDv8JNEYn
— The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 29, 2019
But I had to be honest and say that there are plenty of fishes in the sea because I don’t want to end up in a relationship I don’t want to be in. I need someone influential with whom I can start a revolution with and yays find attractive. Someone who will make me never reject anyone ever again, if you know what I’m sayin’. 🤔 (Just say “Leave my girlfriend alone please godverdomme” or something…)
Other than that I don’t have much to say about yesterday.
I do have something sad-ish but positive to mention about a few weeks ago, which I hadn’t mentioned here yet: I got a letter from the Belastingdienst in which the inspector stated that she has noticed that I, in 2017, have suffered a loss on my personal bank account(s) and that they are going to study this more starting by analyzing my finances from 2014 onwards. As long as they don’t give me a fine for having suffered a loss (like how paying a bill late comes with an administration fine and losses mean less tax money coming in right), that sounds like quite good news. Maybe they’ll give me back what I’ve lost? Maybe they’ll see that my family is fraud? It could be the yays. 🙂
Today I’ll be phoneless beach chilling, cooking pasta and later escorting my aunt and cousin (who has been claimed by the – I recognize from the way they treat each other compared to when I was little – oppressive new friend she met here) to the bus station. Tomorrow is basically my only other day alone. (When I fell for this it really sounded like I’d have some real time off you know.) Thursday my parents are coming to stay here until the end and my sister will come here too with a gang of friends large enough to fill this cramped space with air beds. I feel claustrophobic. Despite all of this:
Wat vind je leuk om in je vrije tijd te doen? — Gezellig kletsen en van het weer genieten https://t.co/7Bx5Uh0DEU
— The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 29, 2019
You should know that I love to just sit and talk. It’s what I do with my family, it’s what I used to do with my friends. My problem is just that I seek this hard-to-find type of conversational depth. Is that you, my Graeyniss? 😸
As for D.O.C.I.S. International I’m still tired (is this heart failure¿) and I need Wi-Fi to be able to “finish” anything, so that niss will be continued from August 5 onwards. Though in the meantime I’m also going to visit some apartments in Belgium with my mother to see which one is the most yay to move in to. I’ve already gotten a crush on a two-bedroom one in a quiet neighborhood near-campus… Hoping no one else gets that same crush before I’ve visited it… 😀
I’ll be having another keeping-phone use-minimal day.
Love you more than yesterday ♥
Updated 08:29 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam;CEST)]
– xxx –
Good morning, my Graeyniss ♥
Passion is finished yaysss. 🙂 I don’t know if you’ve spotted it last night, because I updated the last of it pretty late last night. It’s a veryyy nice read, seeing how it sticks together from start to finish:
Passion – lilfangs.com/passion
Passion 2 – lilfangs.com/passion-2
Passion 3 – lilfangs.com/passion-3
Passion 4 – lilfangs.com/passion-4
Passion 5 – lilfangs.com/passion-5
I’m in bed, writing you early because today I’ll be full-time spending time with my aunt, cousin and her new friend who are staying here. I spend far too much time with my phone in my hands I’m missing out on reality. 🙁
But before I go, I’d like to share some feelings of mine I’m dealing with, hoping for your listening ear: especially after sharing those screenshots of the type of “conversations” I have every day and the amount of degrading ASKfm questions that pour in whenever I answer just one of them (at some point I just stop answering because it’s just too much time and energy wasted for nothing… I still have questions in my answers queue from that same day), I see and feel more of the disrespected reality I live. It’s not nice. 🙁 I’ve been keeping myself from online conversations more and more ever since this realization (again). Chances are high I won’t respond to anything today, but still maybe post a few tweets in case I’m bored.
Another thing I’ve been afraid to share is this: https://ask.fm/docis_/answers/155733411360?utm_source=copy_link&utm_medium=android
I dared to share this new piece of fraud evidence now, because my parents left last night. They will be back – with my sister and her friends – on Thursday. I’m always afraid that my father will beat me to death when I check-mate him with evidence on his fraud. But people don’t believe this is real or something? I don’t know why I’m not saved from all the dangers I live. 🙁 I hope the government has its eyes on him because this really is not normal. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. 🙁 I’m not a fan of the system either but if we’d all do what they’re doing the financial crisis that will follow would be untamable.
I hope that, considering that with those screenshots I have now shared all aspects of my life, what I’m trying to do as a propagandist is clear and people will see the good in this and work with me. It would bring us to the revolution that will better our lives. I hope that it will work out and that I – though it’s still a better alternative than forever living together with my family – won’t have to live all by myself in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t know who to trust, where I could be treated like just another student, while my intelligence is clearly different and I’m this online phenomenon spitting ideas, who can be followed anywhere. I really don’t want to meet another person telling me “Oh you’re so beautiful blah blah,” while I can’t talk about the actual contents of my mind (like seriously let’s revolutionize the system) and then end up in this weird sexual relationship being offended “because I don’t say much and I’m weird”. Please. 🙁
I’m going to take a little nap because I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope you’ll help me start the largest court case ever one day. From there we could initiate the D.O.C.I.S. 🙂 .
With all of the formerly forgotten toxic flashbacks that are haunting me now, I’m starting to realize how the D.O.C.I.S. I initiated 2 years ago, before the memory loss thing happend, sticks together.
Love you ♥
Updated 08:56 (AM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
Heys ♥ Welcome to the last post of my list of passions. 🙂 The last two topics on my list have a lot of elements from the other topics on my list in them. Before I continue, I’d like to log these tweets here for diary purposes: Currently pic.twitter.com/u8ayHROlbT — The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 27, 2019 It’s remarkable how much the sea has drawn to the coast in such a short matter of time with such steady seeming weather circumstances. 🙂 What can politics do for online harassment @MinPres @thierrybaudet @realDonaldTrump @HawleyMO? — The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 27, 2019 I…Continue reading
Hey ♥ I can’t sleep again. 🙁 Many thoughts and passions are keeping me awake. The main reason why I’m awake is my fifth out of seven most satisfied (thus not that satisfied at all) passion, which is also where I left off in my previous post: sex/intimacy. So I figured why not just continue writing my post when my mind is yearning for the satisfaction of this passion the most. 🙂 Before I start, I also want to mention that another thing that is keeping me awake is my desire to live alone, about which I’m more than fully…Continue reading
Heysss I’m all yours now my meowww 😻 Taxes x_x The dishes are handwashed and my tax report for the second quarter of 2019 has been submitted. I’m just glad that it’s done. The numbers are really fucked up. 😢 I run this business from my personal account and have suffered a personal loss of €11.370. It always surprises me how much all of my little transactions are in total. A fixed income through a student loan when I become a full-time student in September is the easiest and most time-related suitable way to build up healthy finance (including being…Continue reading
Heysss ♥ Welcome back to my list of passions and desires. 🙂 Tuesday I promised to show you more pictures of where I’m staying once I’m alone, so here they are: I just washed the remainder of yesterday’s dishes and ate my cruesli. Now I’ll take a quick shower, tidy that one room that is messy with all my stuff in it, install myself underneath the parasol here until after the Sun has reached its peak hotness, show you more of my list, flip a pancake, cycle some and find another place to write again. My dinner will be left-overs…Continue reading
Good afternoon ♥ This is one of those days where what I’ll do today is not diverse enough to devote a diary day theme to it, so I devote it to the theme or feeling that has the most influence on my heart at the moment I start writing the post. My mind is distressed and simultaneously kept sane by different types of passion. Mischief, unachieved goals and unsatisfied desires keep me awake at night; my causes of the feelings of guilt that come with sin, weighing me down, while they’re not even great sins. Luckily I’m working towards the…Continue reading
The cottage/cabin is exactly how I remember it. When I was younger, everything seemed a lot bigger though. To some people, this is a shed. But it’s great meoww it’s just us Catjes and the countryside. 🙂 ♥ This is where I’ll be sleeping the coming two weeks. Some days my family will be here, some days (when they’re back to work and stuff) I’ll be alone. A huge moth just flew into this room (so my initial reaction was to hide underneath the sheets lol). But now that I want to take a picture of it to show you…Continue reading
The coming two weeks I’ve been looking forward to. Some peace and quiet. 😻 We’ll be relaxing in a quiet coastal area, away from the business of the city. In a simple Dutch holiday cottage. 10 minutes away from the beach (a less touristic one 🙂 ) by bicycle. I haven’t been there in at least 10 years! I’ve been told the home has been modernized. It’s the holiday home of friends of my mother I’ve spent a lot of time with when I was little. Today, before my mother, sister and I leave (solar panels will be placed at…Continue reading
The empowerment I need are written words that put my mind at ease. They are separate from race, gender et cetera. It’s is about the experience of being an individual in general. We all experience the mind and the same Universe. Just being should always feel comfortable. I want to transfer this feeling of empowerment to the both of us, my dear reader(s). The way we’ll confidently be our intelligent and creative selves and wear this the way peacocks wear their feathers. 😻 My insecurities often cause shortness of breath and I don’t want that anymoreee. (Can you relate to…Continue reading
Woww meow I slept from yesterday afternoon until now. Good morning ♥ I feel quite rested. 😸 There’s still quite some work to do until I feel completely zen again (it has been a few years), so I’ll be working on that today. Until I feel zen, I won’t be working on my other web domains to earn something and make a name for myself. I’ll be chilling until my mind is at ease (though finances play a huuuuge role in that, I should depressurize for a while). I hope you’ll chill along with me today. 🙂 It feels like…Continue reading
In French, it is Anvers. In Dutch/Flemish it’s Antwerpen. I woke up to the word Antwerpiyays, so in Cuddle, Fangyism’s official dialect, it’s Antwerpiyays now. 😸 Though I rarely speak this dialect of mine… Only when I feel comfortable and cuddly, somewhere far into a conversation, I might unveil my inner Fangyist. She’s still vulnerable and developing. Getting a bachelor’s degree, though in conflict with my principles this society doesn’t acknowledge extraordinary intelligence without one so I have no choice, is a great step in this process. To find and teach new information and revolutionize our society with this. I’ll…Continue reading
I guess we don’t enjoy looking ahead. It’s important, though. But I’ll save it for when we really have to, then. I didn’t enjoy yesterday that much either. To get to the point where I own this big broadcasting center (of books, magazines, entertainment videos, entertaining audio, and actual news broadcasts), own large parts of land world-wide and provide them with living facilities [get itt subtly building my own countryay 😀 ] – using mathematics for translating all changes and policies et cetera to the large scale – I just wanted to start setting everything up with my personal funds…Continue reading
Heys my Catje 😸 ♥ Let’s spend today looking ahead. There are many different contexts and scopes in which this can be done. For example thinking of next month’s budget for business operations today, or today thinking of what your dinner will be tomorrow. In what ways will you be looking ahead? I would love to exchange ideas. 🙂 Is it stressful but good (especially when you’ve spent enough time thinking about it) to you as well? I will be re-estimating my store development progress and process to something that won’t make me pass out every time I’ve worked on…Continue reading
My Catje 😻 Where are my Cuddles? 🙁 Here I am again, talking us through this dilemma I’m facing, as time passes us by all these years. As you know, the best thing that could happen to me is being given some responsibility regarding the future people management that stems from contemporary water management. Please. Please. Please… I know you’re reading thisssssss. People always have something to complain about, but I’m sure that they’ll love you for saving The Fangs. Not because of who I am but because helping out someone else is a way of contributing to society and…Continue reading
Hi. 🙂 ♥ This is my new starting point. By that I mean that I’m trying to get my audience, my progress and our achievements in sync by recalibrating this website of mine, calling this post “Starting Point”. In one of my “Kicking back to Kick off Kicking off” and “Het experiment” videos, I mention that some moments in my diary I’ve chosen to start explaining everything from scratch again, because it’s a lot of work catching up if you are a new visitor / don’t read my work. Then my dilemma became “How am I going to explain that…Continue reading
As a follow-up from my experiment from yesterday, it’s time for orientation today. Relaxing yesterday ( = kicking back), to kick off kicking off ( = orienting on what my starting point is and what a good result looks like). Today is “focus day”. There are plenty videos of me yesterday, on Youtube, waiting to be watched by you. 🙂 There are about 20 videos of me yesterday in total. 🙂 Maybe I can. I’ll see when this is uploaded. 🙂 After 500+ blog posts, my brain just feels so tired. I’m in bed, currently. Thinking of what to do…Continue reading
Let’s say you’re jogging, right 😏 , and during that relaxing cardio exercise across beautiful landscapes you want to test how fast you can sprint. To measure your velocity, you have to decide on your start point and end point before you start your experiment. You can decide to, for example, mark one tree as your beginning point and another as your end point, knowing that the distance between those points is, for example, exactly 100 meters. Then your distance is fixed. A start and end point based on distance. Time is variable in this case. To measure your velocity,…Continue reading
Good afternoon ♥ Today’s weather makes me want to cuddle up in bed just like my headache does. Though my headache gets worse when I move, it’s thunderstorms and rain (and hail too¿) coming and going since last night. And from the short time between the lightning flash and the sound of the thunder, it has been very close by. Less than 1 km from here. I hope you’ve seen my drafting of yesterday evening. 🙂 And that the refund of my grandmother’s investment in the Aegon Sprintplan is not at all guaranteed yet. My mother showed me the letter…Continue reading
10:53 (AM) Good morning ♥ I hope you’re feeling better than I do. Physically, I feel worse than yesterday. My pains are more serious. Mentally, I have a lot more on my mind than yesterday. The topics alternately occupying my mind are: Will people become part of my book club? I really hope so because I have such cool ideas for it and it would be the perfect side job! And I need to exceed the costs of having the store because otherwise it will be a headache instead of an asset. I hope I’ll be in good health in…Continue reading
12:19 (PM) Heys ♥ Feverish Catje I’ll keep it short today, because the more I stare into this screen, the more my head hurts. But I still want to let you know what’s happening – hoping that you’ll protect me 🙁 – before this feverish Catje goes back to sleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night, last night, a sensation that felt as if someone just punched me in the eye, woke me up. I was in defense mode right away, but the room was empty, I saw in my spinning and blurry sight. My head hurt like crazy…Continue reading
01:27 (AM) My Catje ♥ The July 4th version of myself has intentions of finishing and submitting FangCatje today for distribution (intangible 🙁 ). But I’ve been busy… #FangCatje pic.twitter.com/JcdWxKOyTw — The Fangs (@LilFangs_) July 8, 2019 Haha just kidding not really busy busy – it’s all unpaid and unrecognized so it’s not really work they would say – but fatigue and social situations I’ve decided to engage in. Such as the surprise barbecue, birthday restaurant dinner, psychiatric surveillance check-ups… And chilling with my little cousins at my aunt’s (their grandmother’s) yesterday. 😀 My two-year-old cousin knows how to…Continue reading
00:40 (12:40 AM) My Catje ♥ I hope you had a nice weekend. 🙂 I wonder if you have plans for the Summer holidays. For me it will be living through the planning I’ve said “Yes,” to, for good reasons. But still I hope that there are a lot of people accross the globe who like to read my blog and who would like to get practical about it. It seems like this is something too controversial to openly express your appreciation for or something. While I’m not doing anything illegal. I hope someone will break the barriers between me…Continue reading
02:54 (AM) That Type of Montage Where you see a Protagonist with a big Stack of Books Processing Everything to get Something big Done with “Intense” Sounding Background Music Hey my Catje ♥ I hope that not seeing you today doesn’t mean that you’re not real.* I hope that people keeping up with my blogging, who actually can relate to this and also want to be open about this really exist. (Please I really don’t want another crisis center hell.) But yesterday was a reminder that I shouldn’t assume that anyone will ever take any work out of my hands….Continue reading
01:48 (AM) Heys ♥ Instead of sharing my pre-bed thoughts with you – since I passed out a while after I uploaded yesterday’s post – I’ll now share my after waking thoughts with you. Quicksand Not so long ago, I described the prospect of a day like this like slowly drowning in quicksand. I don’t want to experience it, but time still works towards it and there’s nothing I can do about it. Have you ever received a question like: “You hate me, don’t you?” or “You think I’m dumb/untalented, don’t you?” It’s so annoying. Of course I’m not going…Continue reading
17:53 (05:53 PM) This is Post Number 500 Good pre-evening, my dear reader ♥ When I started this blog, I did not expect to reach 500 posts that fast. But yay, another milestone and here I am by myself eating chips behind my laptop. This is my second time this year buying chips. There are over 159000 words on this blog, written in about a year. All written with the intention of explaining my idea for a revolution to you – a plan so large that I still have quite some things to lecture you on yay 😀 – and…Continue reading
09:24 (AM) Good morning 🙂 ♥ My night was quite good, though everything that’s going on is making me feel restless – very noticable during meditation last night. It’s my father’s 50th birthday today, so we’re going out for dinner tonight. In the meantime I’ll spend my time creating a day-to-day schedule of business tasks for myself, starting ahead with selecting books for my store (now that I know what’s available) and working on FangCatje. You’ll love what the store will have to offer! Not only my selection of books: the very unique way in which products will be offered:…Continue reading
11:29 (AM) Good morning ♥ Cold Feet Meoow the tension I feel now is intense 🙁 . The decline of stress I spoke of is, I realize now, that after the Summer this is all over and I can finally start to get happy (though the road to professorship is fuuuucking long and costly…). But in the meantime there are at least three months for me here where I’ll still have to endure these lowkey tense social situations and be without money. I woke up with the thought: The prospect of having my studies in Belgium as my occupation is…Continue reading
12:31 (PM) Good afternoon 🙂 ♥ My morning was great. After waking up, I flipped myself over back to sleep a few times. I love a bed in which I can roll around like a sea star. 😻 My aunt’s bed is of a size like that. I woke up less stressed than I woke up yesterday and yesterday I woke up less stressed than the day before. Finally, a permanent decline is in sight. Once I have my own apartment in Antwerp, I know I will feel more safe than ever. Conscious “Those people are much more conscious than…Continue reading
19:59 (07:59 PM) Good evening 🙂 ♥ Excuse my late post. I’ve been so busy meoww. This is such a day of yays 😀 . The Yays First of all, today is Keti Koti: the day on which slavery officially became abolished by law, for Suriname and the Dutch Antilles. The act was passed in 1863, but there was a 10-year transition period for slaves to become free slaves, so it was officially official in 1873. Who knows what life would have looked like if this act wasn’t passed!?!? (Something I thought about a lot, when I was little.) So…Continue reading
09:59 (AM) Good morning ♥ Hopefully the title of this post rings a bell. The circumstances under which I’ve been releasing and attempting to release are still the greatest knockdown argument of any potential I have. Of course, by “circumstances” I don’t mean that I’m living in a situation that is physically unbearable, like in many other parts of the world. I am so lucky and blessed to have been born in the Netherlands and have the wealthy parents I have and am grateful for that blah blah. I hope I can mean something to the people who can’t try…Continue reading