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Blog, Online Diary

Cold Case 18 & Self-Entertainment Quest [Friday, April 19, 2019]

06:56 (AM)

Good morning 🙂

I’m still awake, because I decided to make a new curriculum vitae in Dutch and – instead of hiding my sole proprietorship – being fully open and honest about “who I am online” (= Lil Fangs).

I hope my previous employer still wants me back. Meoow he is on my mind so much ehehehehee (my Vicje :$). I wonder if I could habitually join in at his lunch table (it’s the cool table…).

So this is how I started

And this is me checking for grammar and spelling errors. I made the whole thing on my phone ahaha

I guess it’s time to grab my laptop and send this to my previous employer. Other jobs I have seen that I apply for, which are not all too bad, are chef (on Texel (including residency there)), planner for government officials chauffeurs or financial staff member in Barendrecht for at least €2,500 per month (because my pockets are flat as fuck so I really need itt).

Hopefully, if I send it now it will be noticed through the day 🙂 . I totally forgot about Easter! Meow I don’t like waiting for e-mails with great suspense.

You know what’s random? I think I’ll be celebrating Easter alone with my father/mr. Elia this year? Because my mother and sister are going to Portugal (again, like last year just when I started working for “my previous employer” (= the ANWB)).

Meoww gotta grab my laptop and something to eat xxx. I’ll tell you about my self-entertainment challenge!


09:29 (AM)

Aiight my mail is sent.

&My god people think I’m a fucking Twitter neo-nazi? But I fight every day to try to make this world a better place for everyone (except racists and who are just plain ignorant)! How the fuck dare they think this of me 🙁 .

As part of my revolution, I want to build a D.O.C.I.S. International compound in Syria, where all religions, ways of clothing and ways of thinking are tolerated. When I was in Surinam, I made a conceptual plan for this.

I really wish I could travel to Syria myself and see what it’s like myself. And negotiate with world leaders 🙂 . It would be a nice challenge for my intelligence. And my god it would shut those Twitter people up, too. And a lot of other people as well. Win-win-win-win¿

Meoww my self-entertainment quest is about finding entertainment until I have been hired for any job for which my hunt has started today and until I have been reunited with my B. The challenge is that I need relaxation and that I take my business strategy development far too serious, while those who need to know already know, and the rest will keep whining about things like that I’m named “Lil Fangs”, that I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, that my websites look unfinished, et cetera. But that is all part of the plan 🙂 . Let it rippp. It’s how I’ll recruit my members 🙂 . It’s an intelligence test 🙂 .


19:10 (07:10 PM)

Meoww I’ve been playing the piano for most of the day 🙂 .


Blog, Online Diary

Cold Case 17 [Thursday, April 18, 2019]

14:31 (02:31 PM)

Heyy ♥

I’ve been called crazy plentyyy of times for sticking to my strong belief of not being weak-minded, but, on the contrary, having cognitive abilities far above average, and persevering my business case.

It might look as if I’m throwing punches in a void, but from one day – the day on which I’m reunited with my B – onwards, those who have wronged me and those who have been unfairly taking advantage of the system (to some people, both features apply), will be brought to justice, and D.O.C.I.S. International will roll out its “future” business structure, making it impossible to take advantage of the way things are organized on Earth, ever again.

Those who have a toxic “The world will never be improved to a fully peaceful place” mentality, which is the view of the majority of people (and one of the reasons why I’m stigmatized as a schizophrenic, for I will never be able to agree with a powerless statement like that), who can somehow settle for this severely pessimistic and extremely depressing view, will be figuratively slapped in the face with the absolute fact that positive change is absolutely possible, when D.O.C.I.S. is officially put into practice.

I can only put my strategy into practice, when my name has been cleared. If I’d do this now, people will still be confused by the extremely wrong, illegal and humiliating privacy scandal I have been a victim of in 2017. I, therefore, need to close my case, together with dr. Crutzen, first.

To seal this alteration, I’m making a set of contracts. I hope to finish them today, and that I won’t have to keep writing cold case diary posts for much longer.

I’ll give you an update on that later today (around 8 PM 🙂 ) xxx


16:02 (04:02 PM)

My goddd I make one supportive statement towards a politician, in a reply, and immediately this shit follows:

Haha can you believe that this man calls himself a prophet

Weak argumenation like this is one of the many reasons why the world is such a fucking dump.

I want to emigrate to my own fucking island and never come across fucking dumb people like this ever again. Oh my fucking tachycardia.


21:10 (09:10 PM)

It seems like I’ll be writing cold case posts until at least the mid May 🙁 . My B is too busy 🙁 . I wish could do some of his work for him, so that he is less busy and I will finally have a challenge that suits me 🙁 .

But cold casing for so much longer is so dreadful. I’ll have to make a curriculum vitae that doesn’t say that I’m a sole proprietor and that doesn’t say that I am Lil Fangs, because those features have been seen as a liability, not guaranteeing my full-time and long-term availability.

I will never give up on my mission, but unfortunately, I will have to donate a large amount of my time to a job that does not suit my cause. I will not financially last that long to keep my focus on only this, while I have so much to do to initiate change, still.

So therefore I will, unfortunately, (attempt to) start working full-time again and have a lot less time to work for the cause about which I’m so passionate 🙁 .

I’ll be being sad about all of this and hopefully reason out an efficient alternative 🙁 .


Blog, Online Diary

Cold Case 16 [Wednesday, April 17, 2019]

14:17 (02:17 PM)

Goede middag 🙂 ♥

16 days have passed since the prospect of an encounter that could bring me justice regarding my brain-to-brain communication not being schizophrenia, has been confirmed with certainty. It unfortunately has still (in reality, I’ve been fighting for this for almost two years straight now) not taken place.

I’ll keep calling my posts “cold case” until it happens! (Like a mini-protest.) And I’ll pick up where I left off yesterday 🙂 . Meoww I should ask the people I’ve mentioned in my diary yesterday for permission to keep the article the way it is. (Wish I would have done that in person, but I didn’t have much inspiration in medias res.)

Meanwhile, I also need to think of a way to edit my business website (because it indirectly shows that I wasn’t in a good mood, the last time I updated it x_x) and think of a way to encourage (new) visitors to participate in my independent research project and become part of my future council.

I hope that soon, I’ll have plenty of reasons to maintain a normal sleeping schedule and go shopping for (not groceries, for once haha) more professional-meets-Lil-Fangs clothing (if you’d see my very long wish list of which I do not own anything x_x (yet? :D)) and get waxed and stuff.

Meoow I have so much Fangyism to propagate! 😀 And I have a little serious list of Graeynissis now, who – if we’d become a little squad of Graeyniss friends – could be writing history with me (in the context of changing the world by using D.O.C.I.S. International to use loopholes in the system to legally fully shift our global economy into something far more sustainable) 😀 .

What happened the last time I was starting to befriend someone way older than I – plenty of people I used to trust taking serious measures, not wanting that to happen – has made me a bit hesitant with approaching (other) potential Graeynissis to build a friendship with. But because of my aspirations and intelligence, it would really be so much better for me!

That, however, means that I’d have to reduce my formality, but because I’m female etc., my friendliness could be mistaken for a code for asking for sex and money, by eavesdroppers, again. I should ignore that fear and just be myself, though. Plus, if I’d really be myself, I’m an affectionate kissy friend, no matter what, if I really love you “as a friend”.

As a friend is in between parentheses, because I, in reality, only know one mode of love and that really includes (unaddressed) physical attraction no matter whattt. It’s noticeable without me saying it?

Meowss before I continue my story of yesterday about Thursday last week, I’m going to eat and shower, so I’ll be back in about an hour or so ( = around 16:00) xxx.


16:20 (04:20 PM)

Meow I just made myself this:

I also added some cabbage and four eggs, plus fresh thyme and parsley

I’m pro soft carrots, so they go in secondd

The rest is in the pan. It’s great 🙂

I still need to shower, though… I’m also thinking of going to the gym today 🙂 .

Plus I really want to finish the story I started to tell you yesterday, because:

At some point, after I greeted Frans Muller, CEO of Ahold Delhaize, he told me that he already knows who I am. And that raised so many questions with me, plus not knowing if he has a positive or negative idea of me, plus I was so crazy hungry, that I responded in a quite crazy way: I changed the topic to the question I wanted to ask. I ended my question with “because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on the top floor, when it happens,” while showing him for my zip code. He said that that is quite a depressing thought, and I said “Yesss!” while my eyes expressed the exclamation marks behind my own depression. He said that he was going to look into it. (Why didn’t I say “Awesome, pleaseee let me know,” and give him my business card ah meoww x_x.)

At some point said that I would like to become a dictator when the waterworks give in, then said: “Just kidding! Haha maybe I’m not kidding,” and laughed in a very “”secretly” I’m fucking insane” manner. Before that, we also spoke of the type of business he leads, because I thought that it had been property of the state – because of the scale of the brand – but it is and always has been a family business.

He ended our conversation with “Tot ziens”. And I really wanted us to exchange business cards, but I couldn’t think of a motive. For some reason I thought that every (truly) influential person would know “the emergency policy” by heart. After all of that, I felt like hiding.

I had to express myself in my diary, but I didn’t think of how a misinterpretation of my words could lead to bad niss on the stock market et cetera.

I left because I am far too used to be by myself, am tired of selling myself as a leader and selling my business as THE future (because there’s so much theory behind it that I prefer it when someone reads about it first and then asks me questions based on that, instead of asking me to pitch) [which would still be the purpose of networking], and I’m always a little bit scared of not liking the food I’d be served, but I’d then still always say that I love it, while being afraid that my face would reveal my true emotions.

But meoow the day after, I suddenly thought of the motive: in my mind, I have an “exit strategy” for every business that has ties with the Netherlands, when this country floods, and I could have exchanged cards to later still discuss the way in which we could officially document that strategy, so that the organization (and high-profile individuals who are personally involved and interconnected with the enterprise), in reality, will be prepared for any emergency situation.

Meoow but now I still don’t know how he knows me x_x. Is it because I went missing? Is it because he receives my brain-to-brain communication signal? What other reason can there be? I jokingly asked if it was because I was a cashier. Haha it can be because I’m Lil Fangs? But that must mean that most of my visitors do not agree with my privacy policy x_x.

I feel like Assepoester now, because how the cuddlemeow could I still get his contact info? Meoow that “Tot ziens” will be real! He should become my Graeyniss and attend the Graeyniss event I want to organize 🙂 .

That is basically me wrapping up the story, because typing takes a lot of time and I want to go to the gym 🙂 xxx


18:38 (06:38 PM)

Meoww I have a picture to share:

What I’m wearing to the gym today 🙂 . I never unpacked my shiz from being in Berlin and Amsterdam from end November until the end of March.

Hehe I bought this fake Neuer shirt when I was in Alanya because I can’t buy a real one and Neuer is cute yay.

Just like Eric Rondolat, by the way. He has such a sexy accent 😮 .


20:17 (08:17 PM)

Meoww I’m back from my freestyle full-body work-out and will now be playing games on my Nintendo Switch until dinner is readyyy xxx


22:17 (10:17 PM)

I’m off to bedd (at this rather normal time of the day, for once hehe).

Tomorrow, I’ll be diving further into the bookkeeping application I was building, and hope that I’ll have enough inspiration to “complete” my business website. But things would be clearer and more attractive if I could use more videos instead of text, so it might be a waste of effort, adding more textual explanations to my website(s)… I should add the sample contract to it either way… Right¿ I’ll be contemplating about thatt.

Meoww good night ♥


Blog, Images, Media, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Videos

Cold Case 15 [Tuesday, April 16, 2019]

14:22 (02:22 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

Exactly one year ago, I wrote my first online diary post. And yesterday, I shared the first fundamentals of the alternative economic system I live for to see it thrive. My written content has evolved a lot, in the past year 🙂 .

Something that has stayed stagnate, however, is my development in finding a suitable audience.

The things I write about and the concepts I want to tackle collectively, apply to all of our lives. But the majority of people in what I considered my social circle, would rather look away and say that what I want to accomplish is impossible. That goes for many people outside that circle as well.

So I’m still busy strategizing my way around this enormous burden. Attending networking events, has been my main method to attempt this, aside from attempting to reopen and close my cold case by trying another way to reach my B ( = dr. Crutzen).

Within this year, I have spent more than 70% of time all by myself, working on this concept for change. That’s why I haven’t experienced many memorable things, in comparison to previous years. Typing and writing has become so common that there’s nothing memorable about it anymore.

The Harvard Business Review / Harvard Business Publishing Executive Event, which I attended Thursday last week, is, because of that, a memory that is added to my collection of mentally visual memories, to which not many things have been added, in the past year.

I, still, keep replaying everything I remember that has happened there, in my mind, because – aside from me heavily struggling with my temper – it was an exciting experience, in comparison to the many other things I frequently experience. Frequent experiences such as laying in bed while typing a diary post, with my stomach growling, because it’s past 3 PM (now that I’m typing this) and I still have not eaten anything yet.

I’m going to eat “breakfast” and then I’ll continue my build-up towards expressing feelings that are so unusual that I tend to hide them 🙂 .


16:45 (04:45 PM)

The memories of the event, which uncontrollably replay itself in my mind, bring along mixed feelings. Mixed feelings, of partial positivity, because I was very happy to be in an environment where everyone has been encouraged to brainstorm and where very experienced people shared their knowledge, plus meeting two very nice students, but I found myself struggling with social norms so much that I just couldn’t stay for lunch and networking.

I thought that the audience of the event was going to be the same type of people as the speakers themselves, and that we were going to brainstorm together to list and solve employment (and sustainability) related challenges. But most people in the audience who made themselves heard there, were not in such a position. (As far as I know – in the context of the future – only the students (who also have leadership aspirations, for a business that is not an app or an ice cream store. It was so comforting to hear 😀 ) and I.) For some reason – of which the explanation I’m building up towards – I had the feeling that – though I had the chance of seeing and speaking to people I’ve had a very slight chance of ever meeting – it was not the right time to raise awareness on my business concept.

I kept thinking that we would be better off alone, without the people down the ladder who are not waiting to be replaced by artificial intelligence. Without a team of supporters, I’m not ready to be verbally lynched by the opponents of the real technological revolution that, in the end, is inevitable.

I couldn’t think of any one-on-one conversation starters, because I thought that I was going to be starting group conversations with Graeynissis. The only thing I could think of is asking the Dutch CEO of such a popular Dutch holding, a question about emergency policies, regarding the waterworks.

[I’m a bit struggling with how to refer to high profile Graeynissis who I haven’t asked for permission to write about. But I think, since I already let this go on the day itself, I’ll just continue in full-face diary mode.]

Okayy I’m going to be very random and describe my full experience to you in full detail, including how I went there.

I definitively decided that I was going to attend the event, the day before, after I – after a long time – asked for a personal donation, to pay for the train… I hadn’t slept properly for a few days. If I had known that I would have been able to go there, I would have spent the day before differently (not going to a coffeeshop and playing basketball afterwards, but preparing a pitch), shaved my legs and gone to bed earlier.

But I selected my outfit before I went to sleep (thinking of making a representative impression), and I had slept for less than 2 hours, because my alarm went off at 05:20 AM. This had become my travel plan:

I had 13 minutes to buy a train ticket

The metro ride was only one stop, after which I walked to the Tobacco Theater

I made those screen shots when I was still in bed, because I woke up very tired and wondered for how long I could continue to rest. (I couldn’t.) After a quick rinse (since I already showered in the middle of the night, after having played basketball), I put on my wig (but realized that I had forgotten to comb it in the shower, so it was frizzy) and some make-up (wishing that I had the tools to make something else than another set of cat-eyes). I drank my tea in the bathroom, and didn’t have time to eat breakfast. (I was hoping that there would have been food at the coffee reception…)

After brief regular conversations with my parents, I walked to the metro and was in the train on time. I read the HBR edition from 2015 that was in my bag, as I sat on the folding chair near in between the train entrance and the entrance to the first class part of the train, for more than an hour. (Feeling slight heartache for not being a real executive travelling at least first class. Plus I just grabbed my trench coat off the coat rack when I left, not knowing that the dry cleaners had given it back to me all wrinkled, which made me feel uncomfortable after noticing it, when I saw my reflection in the metro.)

When I found the theater, I noticed my name tag right away, on the table at the wardrobe. I started the interaction with the employee standing near it, with: “Hi, I see my name tag here.” (I always think “Jaa wtf moet ik nu zeggen,” when I need to talk to personnel to initiate their work task.) She then took my jacket and asked me if I would like to have a print-out of the program. I said “Yes, please,” and also gave her my bag to hang at the wardrobe, because it was quite big in comparison to the bags I saw other people carry. Then I noticed that I had put my phone into my bag, so I asked for my bag back, took it out and gave it back, feeling slightly clumsy.

I still have my name tag and the print-out of the program:

Haha I feel very random for sharing this now, but I couldn’t type all of this while I was present there and after that I was busy making my Keynes deadline. I also feel random for still having it¿

I thought that I would have been able to score a piece of cake or something else to tame my stomach, which was growling very loud at some point

So I walked into the place where the magic was about to happen, and saw a lot of people chatting with each other. I was hungry, tired and alone, plus had no clue who to approach to have a truly fruitful conversation with (it’s always either fruitful or adding to my heartache, and the more my heart has endured, the more the gamble scares me). I decided to take a moment (and empty my bladder) by visiting the ladies room. The location thereof, I asked the sound+screen+lights crew. Quite clumsy again, because I was carrying my notebook and phone in my hand, and I have slight hosophobia.

Walking back to the theater hall (which I expected to be bigger¿), feeling a bit disoriented from all of the little corridors, I met Alexandra, who started our conversation by saying exactly what I was thinking: (paraphrased) that the construction of the theater is like a little maze. (That is neither positive, nor negative. Just a very bright observation 🙂 .)

I then asked her where she’s from – Slovakia – and within no time, we were exchanging our ideas and aspirations. The idea she has for the book she wants to write (which I won’t give away, because it’s her idea and not mine or anyone else’s), is something I believe the world truly needs. I gave her my business card right after I heard 🙂 .

I find it hard to estimate wheter people enjoy talking to me or not. I didn’t know if she was enjoying our conversation – I don’t have such nice conversations often, so I feared coming off too attached(¿) – and if me talking to her was maybe making someone else she’s with stand alone, so I asked if she was alone, too.

We were standing at the right side of the stage in the mini theater hall, near the door that leads to both the exit and the bathrooms, and she pointed to her friend, who was standing on the other side, at the coffee and tea tables. I asked if I could join them. In that way, we became a squad of three, but I didn’t know if they actually wanted me to join them or not (as in some people do not want that, and I didn’t know if they enjoyed my presence or were just being polite, but “Do you prefer it if I leave?” I found too much of a depressing question to ask and explain. Especially because I didn’t want to leave her side).

She introduced me to David (I believe is how his name is written), her fellow student. They know each other because they are both international human resources students at Saxion University. David is from Italy and reads the HBR – which is how they got the invitation – and took Alexandra along as his +1. They have plans of (potentially) starting a business together. (I have not asked if they were dating? They look(ed) like they really connect. I hope I didn’t eavesdrop on their date¿)

We talked about that at the tea and coffee tables, where Alexandra and I poured ourselves a cup of tea. She chose forest fruit flavor (I think¿) and I chose jasmin flavor.

Around the time I had finished my tea, we walked to the seating area in the middle of the theater. We sat down in the middle of the seating area, on the middle right side of the middle parting of the rows of black wooden chairs with flat cushions on them. Because of the way we approached the chairs, I ended up sitting in between the students I had just met. (My insecurities repeatedly made me wonder if I was right for eavesdropping like this? But it felt even stranger to ask. Like how my mother tells me that dr. Crutzen actually wants nothing to do with me, but he still wants to schedule a meeting with me?)

I’m going to have dinner (it’s 9 PM now) and then I’ll continue 🙂 .


21:32 (09:32 PM)

Dinner was great. I love spare ribs 🙂 . I’ll now continue my very random explanation of flashbacks, of this special Thursday.

Miss Wright welcomed us with her speech, after which Mister Macht (cool to have the Dutch word for power as your last name 🙂 ) gave his speech. He explained how, with the tools of Harvard Business Publishing (corporate learning), the performance of an organization can be improved.

I believe that at some point, he mentioned that cyborgs (as in a human being with brain implants) already exist (in the context of the business side of it, which also suits the future of work very much) – which was something that made me want to cheer, because that would definitely make me win my psychiatry related cold case – but I can’t find that back in his slides? (I swear I saw and heard it thoughhh. I also heard (Dutch) people anxiously mutter, when it was shown. (Maybe that is why it’s not included in the downloadable version? Or maybe Mister Anthony said it. It’s in neither of the slides, but it really has been mentioned. Anywayy yay cyborgs.))

Since I heard that, I’ve been thinking: if I can perform brain-to-brain communication, while regular humans cannot do that, does that then make me a cyborg? It wouldn’t surprise me if I were one 🙂 . It would also explain why “some” of my relatives treat me like dirt 🙂 . I still have real feelings, though they might forget 🙂 .

The examples of business cases Joshua gave – I don’t know if I should stay respectfully formal or go colloquially first-name-basis on this, but this is my very intimately expressed diary so yayy – are the exciting futuristic and beautifully established brands that make me so excited about Harvard Business Publishing / the Harvard Business Review.

I would so love D.O.C.I.S. International to become one of those HBP & HBR case businesses. But meoww I’m such a small business, the concept is so controversial and I’m so broke, that I fear being rejected or ignored, for some reason. I still e-mailed him about my interest in a corporate partnership, hoping that that is the right approach to, in the end, have him become one of my Graeynissis 😀 .

After Joshua Macht [I wonder if using the name of someone who ranks high in search engines is somehow notified when I use his or her name?] had spoken, and an elaborate series of questions from the audience had been asked, Scott D. Anthony interactively spoke of the future of business, from the perspective of Innosight, as well as from his own personal perspective.

I found the slide, by the way! It was mister Anthony who spoke of a cyborg (in the context of the quote “The future has already arrived. It is just not very evenly distributed.” I knew it! (x2 (as in the world is far more advanced than the way mainstream Dutch people see it, which I’ve mentioned quite often here))). Meoww I received the slides today and realized that what I told Scott in the e-mail I sent him was inaccurate, in the sense that I told him that he inspired me to work on the way I analyze my data, and then referred to a slide that was not his x_x. I feel stupiddd. I also feel strange for mailing, while I have his and Joshua’s phone number, but what I want to say is sooo much and my voice would be all shaky because I’d see it as a once-in-a-lifetime chance that could easily blow over if I don’t use the right words.

The cyborg is wearing a red jacket, I believe :).

I discussed the “bingo” slide with Alexandra. I told her about the self-driving buses I used to take to visit the gym in Rivium Business Park, and about the cryptominers in this house I live in. We have both tried plant-based meat 🙂 . (I really wonder how it gets its meat flavor?)

At the end of the first part of his speech, he asked for two volunteers from the audience. I raised my hand right away, because I love being a subject for an audience and speaking for an audience.

After being selected first, by being pointed at, I walked on stage by taking a huge step with my Timberlands heels, instead of taking the stairs. It was very random, but it felt more efficient than walking towards the little stairs on the side of the stage. Then I was told to take place in front of the stage, instead of on top of it, so I used my efficient way of walking again, mentally crossing my fingers to not twist my ankle, as I took a big step to get off the stage, and – with the shakiness of my sore muscles from the work-out sessions fron the days before, plus loss of muscle strength because of the state of my heart – my other leg followed. I thought I was going to feel awkward about it, but I’m happy that I didn’t feel bad and kept my feeling of happiness.

Scott asked us who we are and whether we were optimists or pessimists about the prospects of the future. The other subject – I am incredibly sorry to have forgotten his name – who I believe was a Sikh, said that he is an optimist. I said that I’m both an optimist and a pessimist, using the words “I’m a little bit of both.” I introduced myself with only my name, by means of making an indirect statement, on which I will later elaborate.

After having been told about both optimistic and pessimistic statistics, regarding corporate and international growth, and the story behind that (after which we were told to not focus on the numbers, which – that always happens – incentivized me to focus on the numbers) my opponent volunteer was tasked with defending pessimism (“we are at the … of despair”) and I was tasked with defending optimism (“we are at the spring of hope”). The reasons for optimism were mainly about the increasing amount of start-ups and steady profits. Pessimism was defended by elaborating on the state of the oil market.

That is when I realized how complicated (to open up about) my actual viewpoint is. I’m only slightly optimistic, because I’m capable of reasoning out a way to alter the world, to make it fully sustainable and peaceful, and I can use D.O.C.I.S. International as the ultimate advocate, to make that reality. If I didn’t have had that, I would have considered a proper future for myself and like-minded people so impossible that I would have committed suicide by now. I see most start-ups as rival businesses who are disregarding what nature truly needs (which is not another concept striving to maximize output). And, as a Fangyist, I’m anti-profit, because of the heavy claim it makes on natural resources, when spent.

It would have been a good moment to pitch my business concept, but it would take quite a few minutes to make that clear, and I wanted to win the debate, so I said something like this:

“Of course, we are at the spring of hope. The American economy is booming, for example. [I indirectly said that I’m pro-Trump, but that is more for political awareness.] And though we are running out of fossil fuels [not even to begin with the state of the waterworks], we have modern technology, so we can replace that [I was struggling to find the right words to use, but I meant that we can fully switch to sustainable technology instead of fossil fuels]. There are amazing prospects, such as ever-increasing profits [I said while I pointed at one of the numbers on the positive statistics paper. I had to think of (ew) cryptocurrencies right away, and how much of non-value that actually is] and, I mean, if we can already learn by texting, these days [a reference to Joshua’s speech. I want to teach people Fangyist economics by texting?], the future must be great.”

People started to applaud. I made a little bow, after which I went back to my seat. We were then told to vote, and “positivity” had won the majority of votes 🙂 (even though I voted neutral, and my words (and appearance) might not have been an influence, but it still felt like winning, which was something I truly needed).

I just randomly watched this video, which I came across, as a suggestion, when I was searching for a tutorial to make an HTML email (like a newsletter) via a regular mail client, because I’m thinking of getting Graeynissis by sending an interactive newsletter-ish message, and this is based on what I “usually” watch:

Zondag met Lubach always makes me laugh, but when “the foreigners debate” comes across anywhere, I always get mixed feelings (because I know racism far too well).

During the break, while Alexandra and David were socializing with other people, and other potential Graeynissis had rows of people wanting to speak to them, in front of them, I got myself some tea.

Meoooow it’s already 02:30 AM! The rest of the story is still quite long, and while I was typing this, I got the idea of sending a selection of people an HTML e-mail where I give them my ideas and ask if they are interested in attending a brainstorm event I’ve been dreaming of organizing for quite a while now. It is the introduction event of D.O.C.I.S. International that takes place before the Benefit I also want to organize.

More about that, and how I went from volunteering to leaving earlier at the event, after some mental rest.

Good night ♥


Images, MacroFangs, Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts

Fangyist Economics & Initiating Change [+ Keynes Part 2]

Fangyist Economics & Initiating Change

[+ Keynes Part 2]

Nosce Te Ipsum I

Book II: Society

Episode: 2
Category: MacroFangs
Publication date: March 15th, 2019

Future business concepts are not reality yet, because the debates about what change should look like, are not settled yet.

We are losing time with solely conversing about it. Fangyism is decisive. There are solutions that can be carried out in only a few weeks’ time. But there are some barriers that need to be broken, for this to become reality. In this article, I explain how this can (and should) be done.

To make my language more “cross compatible” (for there are no officially acknowledged Fangyist terms yet), I will reflect my future concepts to the way Keynes defined his future concepts, in The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money. This article thus also indirectly touches on part 2 of that book.

The Value of Labor and Produce

In the second part of The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money, Keynes takes a moment to elaborate on the solution to a challenge he had found for himself, in economic theory. The economic language he wanted to use to address the general issue and his solutions, was not used by any other economist yet (Keynes 2017, p.37). In his own words, he used those 4 chapters, to define the following:

“… firstly, the choice of the units of quantity appropriate to the problems of the economic system as a whole; secondly, the part played by expectation in economic analysis; and, thirdly, the definition of income.”

(Keynes 2017, p. 37)

I will use a similar approach, to define the flaw in today’s economic assumptions and give you the fundamentals of Fangyist economic theory.

Fangyism says that the current way value is assigned to products, labor and even nations as a whole, is incorrect. That is because the competitive nature of the assignment methods – “the higher the value, the better the status” is a form of competition – is in conflict with the fragility of nature.

In a competitive market, everyone his or her labor is intended for the maximization of the organization’s profit. Simultaneously, the media monitors the economic development of firms closely and the stock market fluctuates along.

Because of the general financial objective regarding maximum financial gains, earning as most as possible, with the least amount of capital and labor, is what dominates business philosophy. Regardless of the effect it has on nature, while that, in actuality, determines real value.


An example of this, is what is happening to the Cavendish banana. Scientists are incentivized to invent new races of bananas, because the popular curved yellow fruit that can be found in every supermarket, is threatened to go extinct. Fusarium fungi are destroying the plants and the soil they grow in (Reynolds 2018). (In Dutch, the illness of the species is called “Panamaziekte”.)

The consumer knows this, because the media have covered it (depending on their reach and audience). Other than that – in the western world – it seems to be business as usual. The bananas are in high demand, and the market is still competitive, so the price of the banana is kept low, and quick solutions are sought.

In the Netherlands, the short-term solution to this problem is to grow the Cavendish plants in glass houses, on rock wool and peat, instead of on regular soil (abroad).

Yes, in this way, the demands of our large and growing population are met. But our system, in this way, disregards the financial safety of plantation workers, and gets naturally grown high quality foods closer to extinction.

That is why – though it will not be in favor of many – Fangyism says it is better to let the price skyrocket, in a context like this. It is a better incentive to find a good solution to this problem of the risk of extinction.

As long as there is no alternative, collectively, the value of a banana should be based on the relationship between the amount of people who want the product, and the amount of products available. Prices would become higher, but nature would be treated better.


The Fangyist system, therefore, guarantees its citizens a basic income (of essential products) and uses a system to assign value to a product, which is based on availability, instead of on “competitive value”. This requires the use of calculation methods that are different from the ones we know and use today.


Calculation Methods of Today

The gross domestic product, also known as GDP, is an indicator of the total value of a national market. It is used as a controversial way to compare how wealthy a country is. But quality of and access to education, quality of and access to food, quality of and access to health care, and other sustainability related concepts, it does not indicate.

There are different ways to calculate the GDP:


  • The production approach
    By adding up all gross value added for goods and services, adding received taxes to that and subtracting product subsidies from that.
  • The income approach
    By adding all employees’ incomes, profits (or gains) of businesses and incomes of small and unregistered businesses to that, plus all received taxes, and subtracting subsidies.
  • The expenditure approach
    The equation for this calculation method, Y = C + I + G + (X – M), is known as the Keynesian model of macroeconomics, where Y (GDP) is equal to C (consumption), I (investment), G (government expenses), X (export), minus M (import). (In Dutch schools, this is Y = C + I + O + (E – M).)

In theory, every calculation method should have the same value as its outcome. Whether this is true or not, in the end, the value does not say anything about available resources and intellectual capital in a country at all. In Fangyism, available resources and intellectual capital (including individuals), is what determines national value. It does not acknowledge any of the GDP calculation methods.

Government expenses, for example, can, in my Fangyist optics, never be seen as an addition of value. By way of illustration, let’s say milk farmers are having financial trouble, because people are not buying enough milk, so the government keeps bulk-buying extra milk, until the farmers earn enough to not go bankrupt. This expense cannot be seen as an addition to national value, because of the following reasons:

  • The product was bought by means of support, because no one else was buying it, so it does not have its purchase value after being bought, because no one wants it. (It could have basically been given away for free, or have been used for a milk-themed pool party.)
  • The product has a due date.
  • Tax money has been spent to waste natural resources (though artificially sired Holstein cows exist, which I consider unnatural cows), just for the sake of keeping the prices in this economic mechanism low.

Another example of controversial added government value, is the taxpayer money spent to celebrate the king’s birthday as a national holiday. (I am sure that the holiday is valued, but when it comes to nature being stripped from its resources, it is not an addition.)  Before I tell you what calculation methods the Fangyist system does acknowledge, I would like to zoom in on another aspect of my digression.


Labor’s Total Value

Keynes defined the total value of labor, with the following equation:

E = N x W

Where E is the total wages and salaries, N stands for the total amount of employment and W stands for the (marginal) wage-unit. This means that N = 1 resembles one hour of labor for a regular employee. An employee with special skills (who receives a higher salary than a regular employee), his or her value of N is based on the relative difference in hourly rate.

So, for example, a firm has two employees, of which one is regular and the other one has special skills. They both work 5 hours. The regular employee is paid €10 per hour, and the employee with special skills is paid €20 per hour. For the regular employee, N = 5 and W = €10. For the special employee, N = 10 and W = €10. It follows that:


E = 15 x €10

E = €150

In this context, the value of labor is based on skill and/or education, and the amount of hours the employee has worked. Productivity, actual capabilities and inflation are not part of this calculation. Today, (in the Netherlands,) inflation is taken into consideration when a salary is calculated, and performance/productivity bonuses exist.

However, Fangyism does not consider an addition to the value of a nation, because many types of labor add more pollution than improvement, to nature. Any action that includes environmental destruction, for the sake of making profit, can never be seen as something that is beneficial to a country.


Fangyist Functions

Fangyist economics is a sustainable alternative to modern economics. Fangyist equations can be used by both firms and nations. Its outcomes are precise values, instead of estimates, indicating its value and indirect development status. They (solely) apply to the Fangyist system, of which all aspects are non-profit. As long as that system is not established yet, its functions are arguable.

The Value of Labor

The Value of Labor function, indicates, when results are compared over several periods of time, the general value and efficiency of Fangyist employment. It looks like this:

L: Labor, is separately measured in tangible Fangia (tF) and intangible Fangia (iF). (They can, in reference to part one of this article, still be renamed RLF and DF.) For nations and firms, in which both tangible and intangible goods and services are delivered, the total value of labor, is calculated in the following way:


L = LtF + LiF

N: The value of N, is the total of employees that have been/will be paid in tangible Fangia and/or intangible Fangia. Keynes translated this value to hours of labor and pre-defined skill about which price agreements are made. Fangyism counts one employee, regardless of whether he or she is educated or not, or has some other type of distinguishment, with the value of one. It is the calculation in between brackets that determines the monetary value yielded by an employee. So one uneducated employee and one employee with 6 PhDs, both solely working with tangible Fangia, give us: NtF = 2.

The total amount of employees, is distinguished in whether they yield and work with tangible Fangia and/or intangible Fangia. If an employee works with both tangible and intangible Fangia, his or her returns are calculated in both the tangible and the intangible labor function. For administration purposes, the total can be calculated like this:


N = NtF + NiF

R: This value stands for the return, which is what an employee earns back, in either tangible Fangia, or intangible Fangia.

I: The investment of resources, needed to yield the return, are deducted from the returns earned by the employee. This value includes not only what is literally needed to create the product or deliver the service. It also includes the employee’s cups of coffee, pollution from commuting and anything else the employee wouldn’t be doing in that measured period of time, if he or she weren’t working for D.O.C.I.S. International or one of its partners.


Let’s say we have a Fangyist business that sells art of an artist online and from the artist’s home studio. The Fangyist value of labor, is then calculated in the following way:

Value of Labor 1 Jan 2019 – 31 Jan 2019

i [Employee] Intangible Return Intangible Investment Tangible Return Tangible Investment
1 [The Artist]

iF 96,348 * 0.5

iF 0

tF 15,630 * 0.8

tF 5680

2 [Web development and web maintenance]

iF 96,348 * 0.3

iF 1,235 tF 0

tF 653

3 [Sales & Correspondence]

iF 96,348 * 0.2

iF 429 tF 15,630 * 0.2

tF 1864


iF 96,348 iF 1,664 tF 15,630

tF 8,197

When this is done for every month, which is a requirement for Fangyist accounting, individual and overall labor. The salary of a Fangyist is his or her basic income – which is equal for everyone – and what he or she has earned, which is his or her individual total of R – I. The way a salary is divided into tangible Fangia and intangible Fangia, depends on the choice of the receiver.


Fangyist accounting requires every single investment done to be reported (including indicating for which employee the expense is made), to keep a clear overview of the state of available natural resources and other products in a country.


The Value of Produce

A second basic equation of Fangyist economics, is the Value of Produce. An individual product (or service), is valued in the following way:

For a single product:

P is the value of a product, in either tangible Fangia, or intangible Fangia. Which Fangyist valuta is chosen, depends on whether the product is tangible or not.

Q is the total amount of available products at a certain point in time.

D stands for the amount of people who demand the product.

This is multiplied by the multiplier of tangible or intangible Fangia, which is determined by all supply and demand traffic on Planet Fang.


For an accumulation homogeneous products:

The Fangyist value of an accumulation of products, is calculated by multiplying the value of a single product, with A: the amount of products (to be) sold.


Routinous Jobs

As you might have noticed, Fangyist labor gives an individual employee a lot of responsibility, and is more focused on different disciplines working together, than having large individual departments. All routinous jobs should be replaced by artificial intelligence, is one of the things a Fangyist lives for, to accomplish. I have several reasons why I believe this:

  • It is more reliable
    Productivity of AI is much easier to estimate, compared to the unpredictable productivity of a human being. There is also no risk of the device committing fraud, or loses out on productivity, because it has been gossiping in the coffee corner for too long. Aside from maintenance, it does not come with unpredictable costs.
  • It allows for easy, limitless improvement
    When a technique evolves, AI can evolve much quicker, compared to a human being, who needs to follow a re-education program and needs practice.
  • It is far more sustainable to nature
    An electronic device that runs on sustainable energy, pollutes a lot less than a human being, who pollutes the Earth by (most methods of) commuting, lunch breaks, requires office parties etc., and often still depends on technology (and the added pollution thereof), to do his or her routinous work.

One of the first objectives of D.O.C.I.S. International, aside from the general construction of its corporate state and compounds, is to implement this shift at once, for every nation and/or firm who is interested in forming a partnership with this organization.


Initiating Change

The change D.O.C.I.S. International aims for, is the rapid implementation of solutions that will make the common routine of life a more diverse experience, in a way that is the outmost sustainable.

To make the Fangyist system officially existent, the first step is collective currency conversion, officially establishing the Fangia. This is what happens after the second part of the D.O.C.I.S. International Partnership Agreement is signed collectively. Conversion is withheld, until the total value of the assets to be converted, is more than enough to fund our new state with.

The more-than-two-factor selection process, is designed to filter out those who are the best at keeping up with the level of complexity and responsibility this organization carries. This is because every officially registered and acknowledged member, is co-owner of the organization.


The Debate

Fangyism is extremely controversial. Still, some form of consensus, together with those who do not accept it, has to be found. That is why the debate is set up around the following questions:

  • Is the Fangyist system fair?
  • Can the Fangyist system last, in practice? Or will society’s common routine of life disrupt it, the way it disrupts nature?


Potential Outcomes

For an overview of Fangyists and non-Fangyists, in accordance with the Universal Standard of Human Reasoning, potential outcomes of the debate are pre-defined (though any other type of outcome is welcome as well):

  • We all agree that Fangyism is the way to go, and everyone qualifies for it
  • There is no consensus, thus a new parting of cultures will emerge

    This means that the world will then run on the modern economic system and the Fangyist economic system, parallel to each other, but as separate closed economies. Reasons for disagreement could be the following beliefs:
    • “The Fangyist system is not my utopia.” / “I don’t believe that the Fangyist system is an improvement to society.”
    • “I don’t want my life to change.”
    • “This is too difficult for me to understand.”


What is next?

As long as D.O.C.I.S. International does not have any ambassadors or sponsors, I will continue to attempt to make myself heard through text, until enough funds are acquired to deliver the message of D.O.C.I.S. International beyond its own digital realm. After that, the Fangyist system could be put into practice.

You will be kept up to date of the organization’s development and the moment the official (non-digital) debate takes place, by signing up for Project Nosce Te Ipsum.

Hopefully, by the time the next part of the MacroFangs part of the Nosce Te Ipsum series is released, there is a debate to discuss…


Reference List

Keynes, J.M. (2017), The General Theory of Employment, Interest & Money Wordsworth Editions Limited ed, Hertfordshire: Wordsworth Editions Limited

Reynolds, M. (2018), The banana is dying. The race is on to reinvent it before it’s too late [online], Wired [Viewed on April 14th], Available from:

RTL Z (2018), Wageningse wetenschapper bedenkt oplossing voor zieke banaan [online], RTL Z [Viewed on April 14th], Available from:

Click here to read MacroFangs part one, called Looking at Markets Differently [Keynes Part 1]

The featured image is made by Adrianna Calvo, downloaded from

I chose this image, because the Fangyist system is an economically safe, transparent and honest one, 
and Fangyist economics in practice, is a collective effort. 
An umbrella resembles reliability during bad times, and in this image, the sun is shining. The multitude of umbrellas, resembles the collective.
Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

1yr, Cold Case 14 [Monday, April 15, 2019]

00:11 (12:11 AM)

Hooraaaaaaay, exists one year today! ♥

Sooo much has happened since the very spontaneous “in medias res” start of this blog! Visiting Paris and (multiple cities in) Suriname (again), escaping psychiatric surveillance by running away to the US, almost going homeless in the US so coming back and still escaping surveillance by working full-time in an office for the first time in my life, scoring my first “university” study points, the long and difficult search to find suitable Graeynissis for my business (and to befriend), of course, releasing many books and articles, and muuuuuch more 🙂 .

I’m proud of myself to not have given up on my dream, though the returns I receive from this are far lower than the effort I put in. I had hoped to be much further by now.

Something classical, which happens every time I plan a release and do everything that has to be done for it (by) myself, is happening again: I will release my most recent Nosce Te Ipsum article today. But, unfortunately, as usual, it’s not finished yet. I “only” have way more than half of all chapters to add. Like on every release date day, I’ll be busy doing a lottt of release related things.

Regardless of my work pace, I am proud of the way I share my philosophy. The link between all of my separate publications, gets clearer, for the reader, every time I release something. It’s like solving a mystery. I hope you find it fun 🙂 . Today, the crucial clue will be released! Coincidentally on my (meoww may I say “our”? :D) one-year anniversary!

I estimate the release to be at 6 PM. I hope it’s sooner, so that I can relax a little and lay in bed having mixed feelings from my prospect of celebrating one year of by myself, becoming reality. To be very honest: that was not what I expected, when I started this blog.

Something else very coincidental about this, is that this anniversary is while I’m cold casing, which is very symbolic, since I started this blog in an attempt to make myself heard, struggling in the form of (individual rights and health care related) injustice I live through. (More than) a year ago, I mentioned that I really need to see dr. Crutzen – the first Graeyniss I have ever laid eyes on and the first person I met who is capable of understanding me and who I can get along with – to prove my case. I have tried many ways to reach him since I started this blog. My mother now doing this for me – because ever since I have been reported missing, childish things like this are logical to people for some reason – is my final resort, which has brought me some news, not yet the encounter she said is going to take place.

Not even to begin about possibly – though she denied it, confirmed it and then denied it again – having lived for 22 years, with the wrong last name, having been incorrectly taught to call a man who is not my father, my father.

It would make my life easy and make me eternally happy, if it makes sense that the reason why I hear dr. Crutzen through brain-to-brain communication is because he is my father, that he is kept away from me because of some disgusting legal and financial construction made by those who are attached to the shit I do for them [because I really do not understand the sudden intense distance, so this is the only thing that makes slight sense 🙁 ], but that my plan to get to him is in accordance with his plan to get to me, and that we will live happily ever after, as two wild Graeynissis who want to become crazy influential, by running a business together. And that our other Cuddles and Graeynissis will accompany us on this journey.

Meoww I’m going to get myself a midnight snack and be writing xxx ♥


14:48 (02:48 PM)

I’m going to lift myself out of bed. From my statistics, I see that this is more like talking to myself. Exactly today, I’ve had 0 (non-anonymous) website visitors. That’s unusual.

It’s very disheartening to be so extremely disliked by the general public. But to my actual endeavor, luckily, it is an asset.

I refuse to work together with those who negatively judge what I do, without understanding the essence of it. The recruitment process of D.O.C.I.S. International is constructed in such a way, that those individuals will be filtered out of the process and be offered an alternative that is not included in the Fangyist system. Because the Fangyist system can only be kept healthy, when the collective works hard to keep it healthy. Those who reject the philosophy and approach, are not trusted to do good in this system.

Meoww you’ll see my basic Fangyist functions and the explanations of its workings, very soon 🙂 .

I’m thinking of going to the gym after being done with my article¿


19:35 (07:35 PM)

Meoow I’m still busy explaining Fangyist economics.

Why do I give this gold away for free and still have no one notice it x_x. I refuse to depend on social media networks.

I also did some cooking preparations in the meantime. I don’t think I’ll have time to go to the gym today 🙁 🙁 .

Tomorrow, my diary exists one year haha… I was hoping to be out of this depressing “my family does not want me to be close with people the family doesn’t know, so I’m basically indirectly living in captivation” life I’m living.

Haha I’ve been continuously replaying everything I have experienced at the Executive Event in my head. It has been so long since I’ve experienced something positively memorable. Meoww there are still some things I want to say about this, but I want to finish my article firstt xxx.


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cold Case 13 [Sunday, April 14, 2019]

01:35 (AM)

Meoow, tomorrow, my blog exists for one year. I wonder if I’m going to celebrate it by getting intoxicated by myself, the way I always celebrate my book releases, because I don’t know anyone who keeps up with and appreciates my writing, personally. Plus, I don’t have the funds to throw a party 🙁 .

I also, looking back at my first post on here, wonder why the fuck I still spend sooooo much time with my family. Why don’t they want to let me go for good, eternally x_x. I’m so tired of listening to their long and hurtful monologues. Especially after all of the SHIT I’ve lived through within this year, just because I want some healthy distance, so that I can breathe, think clearly and be myself. I have a superficial conversation tolerance level of any number far below 0.

Hopefully year 2 will bring me the distance from insincere love and superficiality, and the unification of Graeynissis, I so deeply desire.

I’ve been experiencing some not yet mentioned niss yesterday:

426 posts, by the time Future Fangyist Employment & Initiating Change is released 😮

Het is kruidcake en niet kruidkoek maar enfin

Co-cooked diet dinner was nice. My mother made the pasta that is part of the diet she is following, and I cooked some shrimp to eat with that.

It’s all right. However, for the sake of my health, I should (emigrate to) switch to naturally harvested foods only.

I notice that the cameras in the living room are making me feel even less comfortable at “home”. I wonder if other people have access to it, too. And if it’s easy to hack?

I hope my odd behavior hasn’t turned into comedy, because that would make me initiate the sickest personal vendetta…

Anyway, I’ve found the login credentials of that other Facebook account of mine, I wanted to delete. So I’m 100% Facebookless now. I feel relieved. I hope there will be a day in which it, for the majority of people, will be normal to not have any social media accounts.

My grandmother is staying with us, because the leakage in her house has been causing power outages. It’s a sign of decay, which indicates that a lottttt of things need to be replaced. Not only in her apartment – because the leakage is on multiple floors – but in the entire building, fundaments should be replaced. I wonder what will happen, when everything in Rotterdam reaches its peak of age and decay, and it can’t all be replaced at once, because everything is built so very close to each other.

I hope my mails and soon to be released article for which I will be beast mode writing today, will get me Graeynissis I can befriend, when I leave this dreadful family life behind me. Someone who sees my potential and wants to help me grow, instead of talk me out of it and have me sign up to live and grow old in the same city I was born in.

I really want to get out of here, but I can’t do that without having people to run away to/with.

I’m going to sleeep

Good nighttt ♥


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Cold Case 12 [Saturday, April 13, 2019]

02:35 (AM)

I feel like making kruidkoek today 🙂 .

No news from my mother yet. I don’t want to sound like a stalker, though. Asking soo much of her time to fix some issue of mine, in which I’m indirectly legally limited – after the whole fucking unnecessary police search thing – so dependency.

I still need

  • Mathematical model of Fangyist labor (processable in mobile application, dependent on NTI answers)
  • Ambassadors/people who would like to be audience
  • A screenplay budget (and a list of pricing options)
  • Overture example translated to mathematics
  • A finished contract

[As in deadline but I still have a deadly lot to do.] And mailinggg. But meoow 2 days until the article’s release? I hope I’ll succeed in scoring ambassadors in time? It would be veryyy satisfying…

And I’ve been asked to clean my room, because it’s such an awful sight.

I’m going to eat some and go to sleeep


04:31 (AM)

I’m too hyped to fall asleep. There are so many things I want to sayyy. But does professionality mean keeping word usage as limited as possible? It’s not my preference…

Looook at thisss:

February 2014 – April 2019

December 2013

Psychiatry has emotionally traumatized me, which causes me to be less outgoing.

I’m more myself now, though.

This is just a draft…

My last e-mail is easier to understand, when this article is finished. But is it too late to send something, when a lot of time has passed since the moment initiating it has passed¿

Meoww I don’t know, but I’m sending at least one thing todaay.

And I’m going back to trying to sleep xxx


13:21 (01:21 PM)

I woke up not so long ago… My bed is already transformed into my office again.

Hehe meoow

I don’t know what to eat for “breakfast”… And I don’t know if a mail sent on a Saturday will be received with annoyance¿ I’m just going to do it thoughh.

Look at me type all kinds of stuff about e-mailing and then referring everyone to my website, as if that is something common haha x_x . I’m so fangyyy.

Lil Fangs

Ever since that update, I somehow get an upload error, every time I insert an emoji 🙁


17:14 (05:14 PM)

My last email is sent. I’m now untwisting my afro’s twists, so that I can wash it and try out the products I bought yesterday 🙂 .

After that, the order of things that I “have to” do, is:

  1. Article
  2. Contract
  3. Updating websites (againnnnnnnn)


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cold Case 11 [Friday, April 12, 2019]

00:21 (12:21 PM)

The conversation I want to haveeeee

Meoww I meant three e-mails (to three different people) and I have not sent them yett.

This far, all of my e-mails ever sent – aside from what I sent Dr. Crutzen about campaigning – have not led to the type of partnership I attempt to create. I want the three newly composed ones to be structured in such a way that any form of addition to my organization, is the only thing it could lead to.

Meoww I fell asleep right after having played the piano. I’m going to continue sleeping, so I’ll talk to you later ♥


04:52 (AM)

I can’t seem to fall asleep again, so I’ve just drafted part 2 of my series about Keynes, a little:

I hope you’ll love it 🙂 . That about the packing list is not part of the article, haha. Just a little reminder to-self :).

I want to somehow mention this in the e-mails I want to compose and the debate I’d like to organize. Oh meoww and I should really show them my Overture!

The main reason why I want to reach out to them, is because I consider them the right people for acknowledging my business.

To establish the D.O.C.I.S. International brand, I need people to spread the word. But because of the mission and the impact of the organization, an ambassador can’t be just anyone. It should be someone who lives in accordance with the philosophy of the organization, who can add something to the cause.


15:18 (03:18 PM)

Meoww I’m about to leave my bed, get to drafting and typing and afterwards buy some things that satisfy my basic needs:

  • Organic soaps
  • Organic shampoo, conditioner (& hair mask), hair oil & leave-in (or something else for “regular” curly hair)
  • New fluoride free toothpaste & new toothbrush

My friday night plans are to relax some more… Though I really should be doing something about the space I’m living in… My bedroom is too small for all of my belongings, so it has become a health and fire hazard. And my back hurts from my mattress x_x.


22:40 (10:40 PM)

Meoww two out of three mails are sent, I’ve eaten dinner and I’ve bought most of the products I intended to buy, though they only sold products for caucasian hairtypes. It will be my first time trying Weleda’s hair products. Usually I only use their skin products, toothpaste and lip balms.

Lil Fangs Weleda Dr. Hauschka

#Unsponsored I’ll be using that walnut oil for my afro hehe.

People always tell me that I shouldn’t send out e-mails late at night, because it’s creepy, but maybe creepy will finally be the new cool? Hahahah I’m a night personnn…

There is one more mail I’m going to composeee xxx.


Blog, Images, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cold Case 10 [Thursday, April 11, 2019]

05:40 (AM)

Goood morning ♥

I was able to get myself out of bed. I need to leave the house around 06:15 AM xxx.


06:47 (AM)

I’m in the metrooo. I brought myself something to read along the way haha



11:01 (AM)

I’m having funnn

I like listening to the perspectives of people with influence. It’s inspiring 🙂 .

Haha meoww I played “stage volunteer” but I couldn’t help but vent a little pessimism, while my task was to defend optimism. Consider it Fangyism, because I just really had to indirectly mention that this “marketing neo-capitalism” we’re living is going to get us run out of fossil fuels way faster than “we” can cope with. It was about whether we are living in good times, or bad times.

Is it only in the Netherlands, to have people ask veryyyy long questions where they indirectly discuss their biography with you? I wonder what the purpose of those audience questions that stall all of the action is.

I made some friends 😀 . Quicker than I thought, because I was quite nervous coming here solo. I’m still dealing with some slight social anxiety, but that will vanish later, I’m sure 🙂 . (I really feel like drinking lol. But I won’t! I think¿)


12:07 (PM)

I wonder if there are ways to grow a business, without doing networking and social media marketing. It’s not easy – since I’m speaking from experience (I’m unfortunately really not in the mood to chat about regular business things and use a lot of jargon (I’m not good at thattt)) – but I think that you’d filter out “the perfect group of customers and employment”, by using that approach. I’m almost there, I hope. (I’ll get back to this.)


13:42 (01:42 PM)

I think I would do muuuch better at events that are focused on executives only. I think people who are not above the business chain (this excludes students) are far too busy trying to distinguish themselves. They should be looking for ways to innovate themselves. (Especially because they risk to be replaced, when I seize power.)

I feel honored to have had a chance to speak to the CEO of Ahold Delhaize, F. Muller, in person, and ask for his perspective on non-digital business development, in regard to the decay of the waterworks. Though his answer was beautifully formulated, it has worried me A LOT. It was a confirmation of a gut feeling I’ve had plenty of times, which I must have mentioned around the time I stopped working for the ANWB.

There is no plan, for when “it” happens. When the dykes break and more than 40% of this country turns into literal Atlantis, there is no emergency plan, prepared long in advance. It makes it a lot harder to state my business case, because, since I’m still very young and learning, it’s a lot easier for me to suggest improvements, than to break down my entire concept of an emergency plan from scratch. This is because of the language barrier that comes with the many emergency situation related business that are not commonly defined yet. I’d be speaking a language only I know.

I left the event before group lunch… It feels a bit odd to have done this, because it was what I was looking forward to the most, but I just so intensely felt like crying after indirectly hearing that it will be a lot less easy to roll out my full concept (because it would be easier for me to make my statement, if the government already had its emergency plan), and I was very annoyed by the “Hear me sound all businessy, while I actually only make empty statements”-attitude of many people in the audience.

I was literally fighting an internal battle, to not raise my voice and speak my mind (to say that those fucking long questions that sound like Dutch politicians sound when they just talk until they can walk away from the press, are not suitable for the type of event). At some point I even felt like throwing my notebook at someone…

I would love to start a conversation about what I could do for HBR and vice versa, as well as literally all other big organizations that partner with them. But my sadness, annoyance, frustration and stress (plus hunger crankiness…) were getting quite intense.

I feel bad for leaving the Saxion University students I just met, without saying anything. They already went to the lunch room, when I was talking to mr. Muller. After my exchange of words with him, I wanted to say soooooo much more, I could have been talking for weeks. But of course, every one wants to speak to him, and the same goes for the other executive-level men there, so I’d have to cling to my newly made friends and endure the sound of meaningless words exchange around me, but I know I wouldn’t be myself.

It really warms my heart, to have met two non-native young people who truly think about real innovation. People who really think of their own identity and our processes of global change, instead of being overly infatuated with just business talk itself. I really hope to see them again. The same goes for the truly powerful Graeynissis who were present. It’s too bad that I’m not feeling wel.

But I have a lottttt of inspiration for my next article about Keynes, now! And I have veryyyyyyyy useful e-mail addresses 🙂 . I’m going to get composing right when I get home 🙂 .

I still have not eaten yet, today x_x. My feelings have made me spontaneously prefer to eat by myself. So I’m on the trainn…


15:41 (03:41 PM)

I’m homeee. My parents are off to their therapist – because I’m such a terrible child – so I’m home aloneee.

Lil Fangs / Dominique Elia

Meoow I’m so not able to act happy. But I’m happy to enter relaxing mode 🙂 .

Lil Fangs / Dominique Daniëlle Elia

I wanted to make a better “first” impression on you…

But meoww I have infinite ways to innovate D.O.C.I.S. International, so at some point, we’ll be business partners, like I want us to be 🙂 . I want to be one of those Graeynississss.


16:52 (04:52 PM)

I’m going to eat a kiwi. Before this, I ate “a sandwich” with salmon.

After composing, I will compose two e-mails. Then play Pixel Action Heroes on my Nintendo switch and then probably get some resttt 🙂 .


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

Cold Case 9 [Wednesday, April 10, 2019]

17:26 (05:26 PM)

It was a lot of fun in the park with Shandery today 🙂 . I like how we have a similar attitude towards social situations :).

I’m going to cycle home now xxx.

I wonder if my mother has news for me yet? Regarding Dr. Crutzen. ¿


20:55 (08:55 PM)

I made myself something to eatt

It was all right, though I should have used different (less old, to begin with) wan tan


Adding ketjap is keyyy

Lil Fangs

I’m going to play basketball xxx


21:17 (09:17 PM)

Are these vintage now¿


22:59 (10:59 PM)

Lil Fangs

Meoow I’m going to attend the HBR Executive Event in Amsterdam, tomorrow. Now that my mother has told me she will send me another “Personal Donation”, otherwise I wouldn’t have attended haha… (Because I wouldn’t be able to.)

I’m excited 😀 . Though I must say that everything there will be a learning experience for me. As in that, for example, I know what Ahold is – without knowing of the existence of that business, I would have not known how to structure a holding (so soon) [I’m talking about the structure of D.O.C.I.S. International in my Business Overture. I was an observant Albert Heijn cashier haha], but – in comparison to what I notice people often expect from me – I’m not very acquainted with any knowledge on financial growth, personal biographies or other “marketed PR”. I always attend events with 0 expectations and then leave them more inspired than I entered them.

Now that I need to leave the house around 6 AM to be there on time, I’m going to skip out on the spontaneous laptop session I tasked myself with earlier.

And now I’m going to ease my mind, take a shower and go to sleep.


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Cold Case 8 [Tuesday, April 9, 2019]

01:15 (AM)

Meoww D.O.C.I.S. International had a net loss of €96.14, the first quarter of 2019, I just calculated 🙁 .

Meooow 🙁 🙁

This is included in the loss I spoke of two days ago. Luckily I owe the right to a tax back of 21% on (taxable) business expenses. It sucks that, in theory, I now have to pay 21% of the €34.84 (though these were my own purchases 🙁 ) I’ve “earned”, to the government -.- .

Haa I got distracted from book keeping. Oh meoww I’ve spent even more, actually. I need to add my PayPal account to my database, still. I haven’t worked on the contract yet, still, either x_x.

I did make a personal profit of €171.48 this month


The “Personal Donations” is the money I get from relatives, to get by. Yess I need a job, but I’d rather become CEO in a day than climb up the ladder… So sticking to D.O.C.I.S. International and nothing else it isssss….

When I then deduct the loss of D.O.C.I.S. of this quarter, I have made a profit of €75.34 this month. But about €50 on business expenses still need to be added to this balance, so then it’s €25,34 🙁 . And all this time, my bank account’s has been chilling around its €500 limit, and it still is, so my calculations must be very correct 🙂 . (And it’s still not a literally negative income… 🙂 )

You should know that I scored a 2.5 (depressingly bad) on my accounting exam, when I was still an economics student. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t do this 🙁 . I just don’t like being obligated to learn things that are less important to me…


05:20 (AM)

Meoww I just finished working on the contract and late night dish washing. So much for being part of a participant household. Especially my wallet is participating.

I now also finished my late night granola and will go to sleep

I believe mr. Elia threatened to kill me, under his breath, since he’s slowly starting to figure out that I’m going to destroy his fraud empire, and make my own empire thrive.



16:09 (04:09 PM)

Still in bed… I’m contemplating between going to the gym and playing basketball… I think I’ll play basketball today and go to the gym tomorrow.

I love to vent my blood lust with exercise 🙂 . It’s addictive.

Something I really want to get better at, by the way, is shooting. I’m talking guns. If police may walk around armed, then citizens should be allowed the same thing. Otherwise it’s not an equal battle for life. Plus, who is the cop who makes sure that dirty cops get prosecuted?

I can’t wait to finally know all fraud empire details (you know: who of our fake relatives is involved, do they also do human trafficking, have they already framed me, how much money are they hiding…) 🙂 . It’s better for them to be prosecuted in their disgusting national system, because in the Fangyist system, their crimes would mean the death penalty 🙂 .

If I ever die under strange circumstances, you know who it was 🙂 . It’s easy for him to kill me, because he is not my biological father, but I do have his last name.

Money makes people do craaazy things. And aside from his perky secret fraud lifestyle, he has nothing. Only watching television, until it’s time to act perky again.

I think the fact that I’d hate myself if I’d live like that, is another reason why he hates me.

Ah meow enough about this person who makes me want to kill and vomit (literal disgust… The scent oh my god x_x) on sight.


17:35 (05:35 PM)

Change of plans. From the backyard I can see that the basketball field is occupied, and I want to play full field by myself, which is not possible, so I’m heading to the gym.

This was me yesterday:

Lil Fangs

Better lightingg

This is me today:

Lil Fangs

Is it just me, or do I look like a little B?

I am still able to crack a smile 🙂 . (But whitening my teeth would make me happy haha…)

I make my own work-out scheduless. Yesterday, it was:

  • 07:50 min threadmill (3 min jogging, 2 min side-step both sides, about 1 min spriting and then walking it out a little)
  • 3 sets x 10 times lifting that 50kg for my legs and back
  • 3 sets x 7 times training abs by using my legs to lift my entire body off the bench I do this exercise on
  • 3 sets x 7 times lifting a weight for my triceps 12kg
  • 45 minutes of freestyle fighting using two punching bags (resembling two enemies)

Today, I’m thinking of:

  • Doing the same warming-up as yesterday
  • 3 sets x 10 times lifting 50 kg for my legs and back
  • 3 sets x 7 times abs full body weight
  • 3 sets x 10 times training biceps by punching with weights (idk how many kgs yet, because I haven’t done that exercise in quite a while)
  • Springtouwen? & Other jumping exercises (like jumping squats)

I’m going to finish my granola and tea, maybe eat some fruit, if I’m still hungry, and then head to the gymm xxx

I’m also going to visit my former piano teacher today, for a technical lesson 🙂 .


22:32 (10:32 PM)

Meoww my day was very nice 🙂 .

I stirred in this exercise, because I had to wait until the bench I use to train my abs was freee

And I was tired of “jump roping” quite fast, so I decided to do some freestyle fighting again. Made this very short video of it haha x_x.

My piano lesson was very nice. I hadn’t seen my teacher in decades, so we spent most of the time catching up. I like that I can level with her. She has been my piano teacher for almost 10 years now!

I hope you’ll see more of her work, via my publishing network 🙂 .

Depending on what comes on my path the coming week, I might visit her again next week.

My wanderlust is too heavy. I still desperately want to emigrate…

I wonder when my B ( = dr. Crutzen) will be in the Netherlands again. I’m still waiting to hear “the news” regarding our encounter, the way a pet waits in front of the window, until its owner comes home.

Remember that time when I was taken out to lunch to be told to stop contacting dr. Crutzen personally, but wait until my mother has arranged our encounter?

I read that one e-mail I first didn’t read, to make sure that I wouldn’t start mailing him again, because that was what I was told not to do, but it literally only said “OK, I will call you tomorrow at 13:00.” I guess I then have a different understanding of the English language. My goddd why may I not just schedule this meeting myself 🙁 .

I really dislike having missed out on a chance to hear his voice. The conversation took place at the scheduled moment, but I was not informed of its scheduled moment. I have to ask to see the e-mails he has sent.

He has such a pretty accent. And I can have good conversations with him. But in the end, this is all just to schedule that encounter, so luckily a real chance to hear his voice I’ll still get.

Hmmm what should I do now… I’m afraid I’ll make structural mistakes if I I start working on my contract now. I’m a bit tired…

My late night snack will be supermarket rice pudding I saw in the fridge, and after that, I’m going to enter bed pet mode.

Tomorrow, I’m going to chill with a friend. We’re going for a walk in the forest (because it’s fun and I’m on a budget) and will be meeting at a normal time (13:00), so I can’t go to bed at 5 AM and keep laying in it until 5 PM. I’m glad 🙂 .

Good nighttt ♥


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts, Reflections, Strategy

Personal Financial Objective

I have earned more than €7 million in 5 years’ time. My carpe diem mentality (and distrust of financial markets) has incentivized me to enjoy it now – by investing it in friendships and purchasing gadgets I like – and turn it into a long-term financial safety net by investing in the hobbies I could make a living with. I have spent more than that €7 million in that same period of time.

I must say that I’m a bit heart broken to find out how much I can earn, in this way. I usually end my month with about the same amount of money that was on it the previous month, so it was very unnoticeable how much has come in over time. Please know that that €7 million+ is not my net worth (because spending €1 million on food is not an asset? It just vanishes into thin air x_x. But my belly is filled 🙂 ).

Until I asked myself what my personal revenue has been over a few years’ time, just a few days ago, while properly doing my book keeping for this year’s first quarter, I had not been aware of this.

If I knew this 5 years ago, I would have spent it veryyy differently. (I really thought that I was poor, in terms of income. I still am, in comparison to my parents and how much I can currently spend (less than €5).)

How I Earned It?

The number is a bit blown up, for it includes traffic from and to my savings account. The exact number, I’m still making a database for calculation for. My other savings accounts also still need to be included.

By delivering informal services (tutoring & bookkeeping), short contract jobs (Albert Heijn & ANWB), by having generous grandparents, by sometimes being paid back for treating someone, by having a lot of people celebrating my birthday with me and by my parents paying me back for household expenses and (occasionally) for other general expenses.

Why I Have Spent More Than I Earned?

  • Because new things make me happy and give me a fun occupation of time (going somewhere to buy it/using the internet for something else than gaining knowledge). I keep spending, even now that I don’t have an income, until I hit my payment account’s limit of €500.
  • Because the Dutch tax system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
  • Because the Dutch health care system is awful (it should be abolished and replaced).
  • Because I travel (long distances) often, but don’t have a car.
  • Because most of that income comes from compensation for household purchases, and those are not always paid back in full. (Let’s say I go for gas and and buy groceries with a total of €113.15, I get paid back €110.-. It goes against my principles to hold a discussion over €3.15, and “but you’re part of this household too” is often an argument to let me pay.)
  • I have not always asked for my money back. Because I tend to treat people, even when I don’t have the money for it, and other reasons. (Buying groceries, treating drinks, buying presents, treating restaurant dinners.)
  • Because I do not believe in banks and gambling on the stock market.

I’ve also never claimed any inheritances or obtained anything from sold family property, while I should have been considered entitled to it.

The fact that I’m currently in debt (in theory only my personal bank account debt of €495.95, my study loan of about €15,000.- (and I still don’t have a PhD x_x)), former business account debt of €73.31 and a discutable rental car fine of €1,650.20) forces me to change the way I go about my money.

My Objective

I want to earn at least the same, within the coming five years. This time preferably faster, so that I can use it to build a house (on my corporate island, which will be shared with partner citizens).

Objective Criteria

  • I will not buy anything for anyone anymore (until I earn more than I spend). This includes travel expenses for visits, cooking expenses (I believe that I should even be paid for the act of cooking itself, and that I’m a creative Michelin chef (lol)), etc.. (Haha meow I need generous and rich friendsss, otherwise I’ll stay alone forever x_x…)
  • Business expenses will not be done from my personal account anymore.
  • I’m going to ask back every penny spent on taxes too much and sue all parties in the health care system who have ever wronged me (plus the individuals who have forced me to psychiatric treatment).
  • I won’t befriend people who don’t give rounds like I do.
  • Only 50% of my income may be used for spending, the rest I’ll put on my account on my own bank (once it’s there, because fuck commercial banks etc. 🙂 ). My bank will be called Planet Fang and its headquarters will be on its (is)land Planet Fang 🙂 .
  • For further business expenses, trustworthy investors are needed.

Using the Safety Net

You’re looking at my safety net… My little broadcasting publishing business… I hope D.O.C.I.S. International is my gateway to useful contacts. In the end, I only care about my mission regarding societal change…

Haha I told you I’m a non-profit organization x_x.

The featured image is from Pixabay.

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Cold Case 7 [Monday, April 8, 2019]

01:27 (AM)

I love Mondays, because it’s a lot more quiet around, when people are at work 🙂 . I hope I’ll be able to hand dr. Crutzen his contract today 🙂 .

I’m working on the renewed contract, in my bed. Here is a sneak preview of the contract I wanted to offer him in 2017:

This was a previous attempt of me to free myself from psychiatric surveillance and intertwine our lives. (With no success…) The D.O.C.I.S. International contract is built up very differently and is written in English.

The personal side of my case is not part of the new contract. It’s separate and there is no geheimhouding (confidentiality agreement), because that has been fucked up ever since I was reported missing anyway.

That is why not long after I started losing my battle for true freedom more, I decided to make it more public than anything has ever been public.

The D.O.C.I.S. International Partnership Agreement (which consists of two parts), is all about getting influence in D.O.C.I.S. International’s strategy and becoming part of a new financial system.

The first agreement is about initiating the process of becoming intelectually and financially intertwined. The second one about sealing out partnership.

I hope you’re interested in signing it, too! In advance, you should know that certain criteria have to be met, before one can register as a candidate of my organization.


12:54 (PM)

Good afternoon 🙂

Today is the first time I’ve had a non-self-made breakfast in a veryyy long time. The purest tasting yoghurt with granola I’ve ever eaten. Meoww I want to make my own recipe for thiss, with different and stronger spices.

Funny thing is that I’ll never get rid of the idea that people can be secretly putting drops of antipsychotics into my foods, as long as I’m in this country, which causes me to be so desperate for emigration. It’s one of the reasons why I find so much peace in cooking for the family alone.

Letting go of this life will not be easy, in the beginning. There are so many people I considered friends to grow old with.

But when I look at what I want to accomplish in life, my full determination, and the way they so firmly believe that the accomplishment of my dream is impossible, it’s overly clear that in reality, I’ve never had a chance for a future with those people.

My level of reasoning is dragged way down, every second of time I spend with them. The things they incentivize me to think of are always far too superficial. They’re so shallow that I get annoyed instantly.

Their weakness is so severe that “The world is impossible to improve” is considered a fact by them and me not believing in their fact, has been a reason for a collective of pessimistic people with no purpose in life, to diagnose me with schizophrenia.

I bet the way I’ve been stigmatized, brings them a lot of joy. Finally, a chance to not stand in the shadow of my intelligence, but to be considered someone who understands reality, “while I don’t”.

Another reason why I’ll feel relief in intercontinental distance (since California is still where I want to live until I have my own land), is because I then do not have to look my traitors in the eye anymore.

Everyone in my social circle acts nice to me, but from the way they formulate their sentences and the topics of conversation they use, I know that since I was reported missing in 2017, the greatest gossip scheme about me ever, has come to life. I can see it in their eyes. They’re not very good at acting genuine.

By going missing, I’ve, veryyy unfortunately, put my fate in their hands. They could freely decide whether to make me or break me. It’s easy to do to someone who aspires a public career. To say positive words about me, when I’m gone, or to lie and be overly negative, directly determines my public image, because my career had, back then, not officially started yet. (I still have not begun yet. I believe that it should start with a ceremony.)

It hurts me to know for over two years, that they would rather bring me down to make themselves look greater than I, than to just be genuinely supportive.

I would never be able to represent someone else in a tough period and then portray him or her like a bad person. To live with my loved ones having done that to me, on my conscious, is the reason why I have become so blood thirsty.

I must admit that I often make myself visualize myself taking their lives, because I find satisfaction in the idea of them not being able to prevent the world from becoming better, anymore. Bunch of frauds.

Using personal media to speak of someone negatively goes against my principles, but now that they have taught the world a lie about me, I have no other choice but to use my diary to expose them.

They are all very aware of that when my image is destroyed, I “have no option but to stay with them”, and I’ll have to live the proletarian life I’ve been complaining about, my entire existence.They smile when they start conversations about the way I’m living a hell of a life.

My theory is that ever since I was reported missing, they, as a collective, have broken so many laws together, that – even though it’s so overly clear that we’re not a good fit – they have decided to do everything in their power to make sure that I do not expose their secret.

Regardless of whether or not I’d actually enjoy being their indirect captive, they have their “unspoken” (only behind my back, of course (gross)) group pact they’ll have to stick to for the rest of their lives in this more than life size underwater trench of a country. And they must be making certain that I don’t find any hard evidence of this, because they know my sense of justice very well.

It really is too bad for them that the only way they’ll ever get a slight chance of doing something truly memorable, which future generations will know, is by being written down in my online diary. It saddens me that they have nothing more to offer. (Especially in my organization, there is nothing to do for them, because it will be far too complex for them.)


14:35 (02:35 PM)

I know I’ll seal and celebrate the parting, by spontaneously changing my number and deleting my Whatsapp account, without saying anything. I mean, “they don’t read my diary”, so it must be “surprising”.

Sadly, doing that will only be successful when I emigrate and dr. Crutzen signs my contract. If not today, then hopefully tomorrow.

I’m going to head to the gym now and then get to work on the contract and self-designed screening process 🙂 .


17:42 (05:42 PM)

I’ve amped-up to 50 kgs 🙂

And I used the treadmill instead of the cross trainer 🙂


22:22 (10:22 PM)

Meoww I spent more time at the gym than I intended to, I had random inspiration for this note-to-self article and I spent more time on my bezwaarschrift (notice of objection) than I intended to.

I ended it with a nice and formal fuck you 🙂 . I am not going to pay €369 for “being too late” filing my taxes for 2016, while I reported my 2016 €0 revenue on time. And I didn’t have an income tax job. Ben je nou godverdomme helemaal van de pot gerukt 🙂 .

That image, again, shows a lott of transparencyyy. I have more of those gems in my diary 🙂 .

Meowss I’m going to walk to the mailbox at the metro station to post this letter. The letter with the fine on it says that if the letter is not received by the 12th of April, my objection will not be taken into consideration.

Fucking disgusting tax system.

Tomorrow is my B’s favorite day (is that one of our inside jokes¿). I hope I’ll succeed in finishing our contract on time, but I’m tired 🙁 . And I don’t know when to expect him x_x.


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What is your personal life time income?

Mine is €7.473.878,-. (But this number is solely based on the incoming and outgoing payments of my main bank account, so the official number – which is still being calculated – will be more or less.)

A personal life time income is the total amount of money added to your bank acount(s), over your entire life span.

It’s a funny trick to show how worthless money actually is 🙂 .

How much are all of our lives literally worth? What would that say about the status Earth’s resources?

I suppose the number would say as less as the status is severe. That’s why we should transition to the Fangyist financial model.

It will be included in the third book of Nosce Te Ipsum. I hope you’ll get calculating and share your intel with me 🙂 .

Since what we’re doing to our planet is destructive to nature, the amount of access an individual has to resources, really has to be calculated differently. Is should be calculated in a sustainable way. Like in the Fangyist system, for example 🙂 .

Change will come, soon. Are you interested in becoming part of D.O.C.I.S. International?

The featured image is from Pixabay.

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Cold Case 6 [Sunday, April 7, 2019]

01:59 (AM)

What is safety, in this context?

Back-up in the cloud and on my laptop itself? Back-up on an external device? A back-up on paper? If the bank loses my files they’re in trouble. Back-up on a satellite? Back-up 10000 meters below sea level?

What is trust? [Het financieel systeem is zo lek als een mandje. Uiteindelijk klopt mijn boekhouding nog he… Hoeveel procent van de wereldbevolking is fraudeur?]

Oh boy, I need to be in the city center of Rotterdam at about 11 o’clock today. To cheer for my mother, because she’s going to run a marathon tomorrow.

My god please do not expect me to elaborate on that with sentimental wordsI’m busyyyy xxx

After cheering, I have a contract to adjustttt

“Case closed”?

I’m also fighting blood thirst. In case you were looking for ammo 🙂 .


08:48 (AM)

Good morning 🙂

I have not slept yet. I said “tomorrow”. That’s what I usually refer to, when I speak of coming events, before going to sleep.

A loss of 61,287.- Euros x_x. 1 Jan 14 – 5 Apr 19. The query shows dollar signs, but the actual amounts are in euros. My laptop considers me American haha. ( = Conscious antrophomorphism, not schizophrenia)

I want to sleep, but also feel like continuing the application I intend to build, and this contract…


10:16 (AM)

Running late as usual. I’m going to cycle to the event.


12:25 (PM)






To find my relatives

I’m going to wash my afro now xxx.

I hope to see Benoît – sexy catje I hope to be calling daddyyy – soon. (Like tomorrow or something? I don’t like it when I’m prohibited from fixing something myself.)

Ik ben ook nog bij de Coolsingel geweest xd


Handle disrespect with disrespect is the way to go

I saw my neighbor approaching her home, walking, as I approached my home, cycling.

I said “hi”

She did not respond.

I was quite stunned, because to me, it seemed like she noticed that I was there. Not that I was feeling like having a conversation, but jwt solidariteit. I’m tiredd.

I went inside to hang my coat, because I was dressed quite warm.

I went outside again, to put my bike in the shed

She asked me if my mother’s marathon went well.

I said “Vast wel” and went inside, zwiepte de deur dicht, met mijn vingers.

Doing everyday shit with Lil Fangs

Minus the sentimenttt

It’s fun 😀 .


14:43 (02:43 PM)

Nu ik die vervallen teringzooi in Rotterdam heb gezien ben ik gelijk weer helemaal van slag 🙁 . (That sounds funny to me.)

Something very pressing about my life philosophy, is that I find that a new collective should take the lead, regarding the environmental decay of the Netherlands, the way nature could strike out of nowhere, and how just keep making the dykes higher is not solving the problem.

I hope to be able to figure out a way to emigrate (being a Dutch citizen is like having a financial ankle bracelet, shout out to the Belastingdienst [I’m sooooo pro tax reform]), after seeing my B.

I’m making a packing list, just in case 🙂 .

Always sidewaysss

As I ponder and gaze at this tree, I think: “Is it always winter, below sea level?”


23:31 (11:31 PM)

If I’m correct, the week in which I finally get my life back to normal (I mean normal as in justice, having someone to talk to, finally getting a proper chance to get my business off the ground, et cetera), has begun 🙂 .

I hope I’ll be able to be certain about this – but I’m unfortunately still subject to people who have authority over me, while they should not have this. Not only because I’m competent. More because I consider them unable to truly do what is right.

Especially after the 22 years of being taken for granted, being discriminated, being stigmatized, et cetera. My goddd I’d kill for the certainty to never see these people again.

I sooo hopeee I can move to any place where someone like me – someone who prefers silence over hearing superficial shit conversations and being in large hoards of people while inhaling big city car fumes – can live in peace.

Soo yess I’m just going to keep my side of the encounter short. I’ll offer him a new version of the contract I had composed for him in 2017. Other than that, I hope we can get to private brainstorming soon 🙂 .

We’ll become One. That is what the contract does and that is what D.O.C.I.S. International means.

I just woke up from my long nap, after having gone a few days pulling all-nighters. Time for late night dinner and making this contracttt xxx


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Cold Case 2 & Bookkeeping [Wednesday, April 3, 2019]
3 April 2019
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Cold Case 5 [Saturday, April 6, 2019]

01:10 (AM)

I’m happy to never feel aloneee


19:54 (07:54 PM)

I went to sleep around 6 AM x_x. Doing my bookkeeping is addictive 😮 . It was hard for me to quit adding new entries. Now I have all rough data for this quarter, I need for my tax report of the first quarter of this year, and I can make my own fun charts with :D.

Having your bookkeeping in this format is required to become an official partner of D.O.C.I.S. International (as an individual), because in that way we can make sure that we are financially in synch, and we can use it to determine the value of the Fangia (our own valuta) 🙂 .

Designing a special contract and “becoming a partner” programme for this, are on my to-do list, including writing that bezwaarschrift letter [I’m not going to pay a €369 fine for filing my tax report in 2016 too late, because I fucking filed ittt. There was just nothing to account for.]

Yesterday + last night were better than usual. I was quite high after the “power plant” I obtained after grocery shopping after going to the gym. I’ve cycled 1 hour in total for it.

Now I’m shopping for groceries avec my mother. We also went to the center of Rotterdam to pick up her “start number” for the marathon she’ll run tomorrow.

I like the intentional messiness of my hair


23:29 (11:29 PM)

The lamb biryani improv with veggies made was nicee

My grandmother helped by cutting the vegetables. She came for a visit 🙂 . Usually she only does that every Sunday.


23:32 (11:32 PM)

It’s accounting timeee.


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Cold Case 4 [Friday, April 5, 2019]

03:55 (AM)

Meoww yess so I’m now going to add the final layer of fun complexity to the “I developed a major crush on someone who might turn out to be my actual biological father, who has also been the motive for other people, to diagnose me with schizophrenia” story that is part of my cold case: he (dr. Crutzen) has always been able to hear me reason, and as I matured (forgetting parts of my childhood), and he mentally identifies himself through my reasoning (just like many other people), he might have forgotten that he is my father, and had grown accustomed to the title of sexy mysterious Graeyniss I consider him to be, in my mind. Or he just didn’t know how to tell me his secret, and can’t deny mutual attraction. Either way: my roots are a mystery and I want to find a way to have dr. Crutzen in my life for the rest of my life, from our coming encounter onwards. (It would make the U.S.H.R. look much more credible, too.)

More about this, after I have slept some. Meoww I just finished eating some late night sweetness:

Corn flour pourridge and “fruit stew” (strawberries, blueberries, plantain, raspberries, orange juice, vanilla and mint)

Goood night xxx


18:33 (06:33 PM)

I’ll keep “cold casing” until the encounter takes place… It’s a bit like groping in the dark, because for some reason, because I’ve been told to stop seeking direct contact – do not exactly understand why, but that encounter could make that clear – and thus I have put my faith and fate in the hands of my mother, who has become my middle woman in this. She decides when it takes place. She must have her questions, too, for the both of us. Since she initiated the entire case.

So the great question on my own mind is what approach should I use to become best friends ever with him…? We were speaking of doing a research project together, the last time I spoke to him, before that nonsense case was started. I guess I’ll make a new proposal for that, and stir in D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R..

It’s too bad that I have no clue how long I’ll wait for this. I guess I should start to apply for jobs to serve drinks somewhere. (But in actuality, I really don’t want to… I want a job where scripted social interaction is kept to a minimum and I have the most self-authority possible… I don’t know where to find that, for my level of education xd. (I don’t have any useful diplomas in that range of fields (functies als leidinggevende).)

That’s what I’ll work on, after working out. I’m heading to the gym xxx


00:18 (12:18 AM)

This is my favoriteee. I want to be able to lift a freight truckkk

Keeping it simple¿ I put ginger in my soja saus xd. My parents went to the weekly Friday Afternoon Drink.

I’ve been a baby subject of this Dutch hospital program called the “PIAMA Onderzoek”. They will now approach me personally.

Fissa. 30 april dit inleveren en voor 12 april een bezwaarschrift indienen

I also made asparagus soupp sort of haha

Late night bookkeeping horaaaay.

I’m home aloneee

I’ll talk to you laterr xxx


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Cold Case 3 & Tasksss [Thursday, April 4, 2019]

00:56 (12:56 AM)

Meoww I ended up still going to the gym and later accompanied a friend to the university library, while I was doing my depressing book keeping.

2019kw1+… My Access database will be able to make its own income statements and charts and stuff sooon 🙂

I need a donation/investment to make my business look more attractive, and that could then lead to anything that looks like revenue.

Currently, I have no income. Only fucking high personal expenses (from my personal account) to escape my parents’ home. And then I get so broke that I have no other option but to go home. Every fucking time. I hope my B will save me! 🙁

There are no definitive location, time and date chosen to meet him yett. I hope he has time to call today 🙂 . I hope I’ll see him very soon.

I’ve been having extreme second thoughts about the university being the neutral ground our first encounter after 2 years should take place at. It leaves such a bad impression that we can’t just discuss it one-on-one, but that my mother “has to” be present. Why don’t they trust my B 🙁 . It makes me look soooooooo unprofessional 🙁 .

Today, I’m going to continue to work on my bookkeeping, do other useful things and go to the gym again in the evening. Secretly hoping to hear from my B and throw around my entire schedule 🙂 .

I’m off to beddd

Goood nighttt xxx


19:45 (07:45 PM)

Meoww my day is more bed petty than I expected it to be. It’s so hard for me to get out it… And my heart has been acting up heavily. That I have not yet eaten or drunken anything today can be one of the factors causing that. It’s a vicious cycle.

I wake up tired, stay in bed hoping to feel less tired, get (more) hungry as I lay in bed, the Dutch diet does not suit my taste (because it’s unnatural and I can taste that) and that causes me to not want to eat, my body weakens and I get more tired as I don’t want to eat while I should, a lot of time passes as I lay down contemplating life, right before I feel that I’ll pass out, I get up to (get ready and) eat and then I still work on the schedule I’ve given myself for that day, causing me to sleep late.

I see several things I need to do to break that cycle:

  • See a doctor (because my aortic insufficiency and tachycardia influence my fatigue).
  • Move to a country where non-artificially grown foods are sold. It’s better for my health and I’d be able to really enjoy food again.
  • Get my business off the ground, so that I feel happy and have a reason to leave my bed and use my diverse range of talents, every day.
  • Surround myself with people who are able to understand how I feel (because the judgment of those who don’t is very hurtful and depressive. I wouldn’t care, if I could distance myself from them).

All things on that list cost money, and that is something I don’t have at the moment, so, again, this starts with earning enough to emigrate and thrive my business ASAP. That means not receiving the salary of an uneducated person, and that seems unavoidable in this country, being who I am.

Another reason why I feel like laying in my bedroom with the blinds closed, is having spent hours in full confrontation with how incredibly broke I am, from making that Access database for bookkeeping.

I’m still going to continue working on it today, though. Obligations….

Currently, I’m waiting for dinner, which will be my first meal of the day. On the long term, I’m waiting for my B… I’m going to elaborate on that after I’m done eating.


22:33 (10:33 PM)

It’s crazy to say that in 2017 I started waiting intuitively. Dr. Crutzen (also known as my B haha xd) was interested in doing business with me, and my worries about never being able to leave my parents’ house started to fade a little.

Until my parents themselves strategically distanced me from him, with their psychiatric measures. They have portrayed him as the cause of my odd behavior. While they are the cause. Look at all of the weird shit I need to do to escape their authority.

The concept of brain-to-brain communication is what makes understanding this situation more complex to those who do not have that type of connection with me.

I love being able to hear him in my mind. My parents and every person related to psychiatry they have involved in my case, have said that me saying that I appreciate it is just a sign of mental distortion and weakness, and that they have to help me by forcing me to take high dosages of antipsychotics, my body is intolerant of. (I want to help myself and future victims by prosecuting them for this.)

If he, in the period in which I was still under treatment in his name (while they never let my B and I deliver a statement together, the way they should have), would have confirmed our brain-to-brain communication, would have said that he really wants to do business with me and that I am right for wanting to distance myself from all of them, they would have destroyed both our careers, instead of just mine. All of this was happening behind closed doors. This blog did not exist yet, so they could have done whatever to us – the way I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures or videos in the institutions I’ve been in – and no one would know about the even worse injustice we could have been living through.

Now there’s only the injustice I’ve been living through, being treated and stigmatized as a schizophrenic, while being strategically kept away from the only person who can truly help me out of this situation.

That is absolutely not nothing – because it has emotionally (I’m still dealing with flashbacks that raise my heart rate and make me feel very sad and angry (veryyyyy angry)) and physically (tachycardia and muscle stiffness) destroyed me – but at least it’s solvable.

Especially now that my mother has burnt her fingers by wanting to seal her victory, by contacting dr. Crutzen about me, just a few weeks ago. She just doesn’t know it yet. (Then again, maybe she does? She lies to me so often that I don’t know what’s real anymore.)

He has told her things like “I’m worried about Dominique, too” and “sterkte”, which seems like sympathy towards her. Her worry about me relates to me not socializing with our “family” the way I used to, preferring death over a working for a boss and making statements about how brain-to-brain communication will save me from her intense attachment to me.

I believe that his worry about me relates to the very frequent near death experiences I experience, because of the state of my heart, and the way I scream in silence at night, because I miss him far too much and want him to cuddle me to sleep. And my worry for encountering another person who’ll state that he/she is trustable and then forces me to make the schizophrenic nonsense I live through worse again.

Unfortunately you, my dear reader, will soon have to choose a side. I don’t want to be experienced by the eyes of those who can consider me a schizophrenic. Those are people I refuse to do business with. It’s your choice, to either spend the rest of your life in the camp of my “parents” and the masses they have convinced of me being a mentally weak person and a bad leader, or to join team Fangs and enjoy the benefits of living under D.O.C.I.S. International (once we have our compounds).

I love you no matter what you choose. I’m trying my best to explain the (figurative) camps to you, but, of course, you’ll need to hear the perspective of the other camp personally as well.

What makes this situation even more layered, is that I remember the first time seeing dr. Crutzen was in 2015 – when I was in high school, visiting the university he works at, as a “student for a day” – and that we started to become friends in 2017, after I had followed (but never finished… I didn’t attend the final exam, because I hate to fail tests I haven’t prepared for (and knowing that in advance)… 🙁 ) his class. After all that time, I developed a major crush on him… It’s something I didn’t dare to share with others.

We have so much in common that I couldn’t help but be very attracted to him. I rarely meet someone like me. (Really… It’s 1/10000000…) The first time I was in his private presence – not saying much, which is what happens when I find someone attractive – was when I took my ex-boyfriend (who then was my boyfriend) and his friend to one of the first lectures of dr. Crutzen’s block, because they disapprove of microeconomic theory as a whole, so I wondered if his perspective would change anything about that. (It did not.)

I enjoyed hearing dr. Crutzen’s perspective, because in my relationship, I, too, was defending the subject, but I was still a pupil. It was nice to hear someone argue for my side, for a change, and really liked the way he is so different from anyone I have ever met. (The way he speaks and the way he moves, very much included.) Ever since that little debate, I used any nonsense that popped up in my head to approach him with a question after his lectures. I just really enjoyed talking to him and hearing his unique perspective…

This one time, he asked me to e-mail him the reason why I wanted to speak to him, because he had to go somewhere. From that moment onwards, our friendship developed itself. When I had quit my studies and I was trying to further develop my PR concept – while things in my personal life were quite awful – we decided to meet in person, in his office.

The first time, we were alone and we talked about literally everything. The second time, my boyfriend was present as well, we had a very diverse conversation again, he advised me to select the last option of the document with business ideas I had sent him, and he lent me two books.

Those two times we spent time together in private – just chatting in his office – I’d become internally sad after saying hello. I didn’t like saying goodbye to him, and wished that I could spend forever with him. (As his adopted child, I considered a possibility, then. Since things at my house were very unpleasant to me.)

I spent a lot of time reading the books he lent (or gave to¿) me and worked on the development of that “PR combined with a lot of different subjects, with happiness as its end goal” ( = D.O.C.I.S. International and the U.S.H.R., basically…). I didn’t see him in the meantime, because I really wanted to impress him with my ideas, so I wanted to have fully finished them first.

At home, my parents gave me deadlines for expecting business results, having to find a job, having to move out, et cetera. I didn’t meet any of them, because they interfered with the alternative path I had chosen, where the goal is far more important than the basic routine of life.

To meet them in the middle, I proposed to follow an accounting course in Atlanta, for executives, for which the final assignment was to give a presentation about an example of an accounting problem in my field. I saw that as the perfect opportunity to use my PR strategy in practice, work together with dr. Crutzen (as my subject) and improve my chances on the job market.

Unfortunately, my parents didn’t want to pay for the course (because the Dutch tax agency would be notified of how much money there actually is in this household and they said that they don’t trust me anymore with following an education programme, because I had quit the economics program), they found Atlanta too far away (because they wouldn’t be able to do anything or know what happened, in case something happens… If there’s one commonly said statement that can piss me off, it’s that. Might as well spend eternity in a fucking bird cage (oh wait I’m already doing that haha (not funny haha help meeee))) and they didn’t want me to spend so much time with dr. Crutzen (because he is not a friend of the family). I was disappointed and angry about my parents decision [it’s very annoying to live poor in the house of rich people, just because they fear they will be caught with their fraudulent shit, if they share with me], but happy that dr. Crutzen still wanted to develop that campaign with me.

Unfortunately (again), not so long after this, the fights at home became worse, I shunned my parents (by means of not having to argue), and that was when they started their psychiatric nonsense, for which they blamed dr. Crutzen. That was exactly two years ago.

What makes all of this even crazier, is that my mother – a while ago, when I wasn’t posting diary posts (in 2019) – said “You want him to do a paternity test, don’t you?” While that was not on my mind at all… It wouldn’t surprise me if dr. Crutzen is my biological father. I don’t look like mr. Elia (who I do regard to as my father) at all. But in the few weeks before that, my mother has fully denied my gut feelings of dr. Crutzen being my father. (Though she could have sooo many reasons to deny it, and they’re all just as frustrating. Getting married while you’re pregnant with someone else’s child… What a hassle x_x.)

Could that mean that I’ve coincidentally developed this super intense crush on someone who turns out to be my biological father? Yesssssss. This might sound very random, but I would find that very cool 😀 . It would show suuuch an interesting form of heredity… It’s also great for developing our relationship, because I want hugs and kisses, and to sit on his lap and get bedtime lectures and stuff… 😀

It would be so trippy to go from “I’m Surinamese Creole, “Boeroe” (Surinamese Caucasian), Surinamese Native, Bahamian, Jamaican and English” to “I’m BlackTalian”. But I’m already quite accustomed to the title 😀 (in my mind haha…). I’ve never met someone who is Surinamese and Italian. (It’s almost as if its cultures are in contradiction with each other…)

The confusing part is that there was sexual attraction, before I had the knowledge of his potential fathership. I’d never give in to that attraction that much in real life anyway, since he’s a married man, but it won’t vanish. Once it’s there, it’s there. That’s the way I am.

It’s way past twelve, so I’m going to start a new diary day xxx


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Cold Case 2 & Bookkeeping [Wednesday, April 3, 2019]

02:05 (AM)

[(As usual) I’m elaborating on what I said yesterday.]

To prevent more distortion in the story about me, I think a “public debate” (though I wanted to keep things simple and private, but that is not an option) would be good. To let both sides of the story about me be heard at one occasion, and let people then form their own opinions. Instead of just following those lies that were spread about me, when I was “missing”.

I would appreciate it a lot, if we could stir in my debate about Keynes and the practices of the alternative sustainable financial system I’d like to put into practice. Meow the encounter is such a good opportunity to share ideas xd.

It took a very long time – two years, instead of the two weeks I expected – but I couldn’t be happier with the way it’s playing out.

This one encounter is the reason why I started to share my story. So that people can get the chance to form their own opinions, instead of following my parents’ right away, when hell breaks loose again, once I’ll leave them for good, after I’m finally reunited with he who does understand me.

Ever since my parents forbade me to see dr. Crutzen, who can add sooooooo much depth to my business strategy, in a way no one else can, I was lost. I was very disappointed in them, for their interference.

All my life, they’ve been breathing down my neck for good grades and anything else that is important when you want to see your child successful and wealthy. So I was so shocked, when they started to prohibit my business from thriving.

The fights we were having because of this, caused me to never want to speak to them again. This want has never changed. (My financial situation keeps it from happening. I’m basically bankrupt x_x. I can’t move out…)

I felt very depressed after being forced to let go of the person who had become so important to me in a very short period of time. My parents went as far as forcing me to undergo psychiatric treatment for this. I’ve been forced to take many types of antipsychotics.

My (low-budget, because then, too, I was broke) way to escape the psychiatric treatment I could not escape from, was running from home. I’ve told them plenty of times that I did not want that treatment and that they should fucking listen to me. So I was shocked to hear that they reported me missing, when it was clear to me that if you do not accept the terms under which I wish to live in the household of which I, too, make part, those people can get the fuck out of my life.

Everyone who is capable of believing that I have ever not been able to find my way home, and who believes that I’m a schizophrenic, can stay the fuck out of my life. I’m everything except an individual who can not handle the mental. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the few who dares and is able to think of solutions to the fucking shit world we live in.

The reason why all of this pisses me off so fucking much, is because they had the nerve to ignore my wishes, let me be diagnosed with schizophrenia and live stigmatized, without ever asking dr. Crutzen for his side of the story. They believed that he was only my professor, but that I didn’t even attend his class and that I only believed that I had a connection with him, because I had been smoking too much weed.

The fact that he wants to help me end the hell I’ve been living through, already gives them an indication that they’ve been VERYYYYYYYY wrong for saying that I’ve never spoken to him in private. And my encounter with him will prove everything else I’ve been saying, too.

I really hope that, if my mother and dr. Crutzen really decide to make it big, my Vicje, Sander and Lorenzo will be present as well, and that they would like to become my ambassadors 😀 . And that every motherfucker involved in putting me through that psychiatric hell will be present, too, so that I can personally tell them that I’m going to sue them all for emotionally destroying me.

That was a very little summary of the shit I’ve been living through in the past two years. I hope the conclusion – which is the encounter – will come soon. I want to finally leave this all behind and focus on what is really important: D.O.C.I.S. International.

So meoww, today, I’m going to be hoping that my B calls my mother to arrange things, while I do my bookkeeping (both business and personal) [I’m going to make my Access database for it today…] and attend a boxing class.

I’m now going to attempt to sleep, while on the inside, as usual, I’m still raging because of the ignored injustice I’ve been living through all this time and people turning their backs on me et cetera.

Good night ♥


14:43 (02:43 PM)

Meoww my preference for our first encounter really is something private, though. A public debate is much nicer when it’s well-prepared (by both sides). And there are far too many emotions I’ve had to hide for two years, so I’d really like a moment to combine the sadness of my two years of hell (if not more), with the extreme happiness that will come from seeing him and all of this finally being over, in private.

I hope we’ll take some good pictures together. And that we’ll co-write many things!!!

Guess where I’m at? Still in bed x_x. My stomach as earsplitting as usual.

Meoww I feel so tired, still 🙁 . I should make an appointment to see my doctor in Germany, but the journey of visiting him is tiring as well (just thinking of it makes me feel as if I’ll collapse on the way there), and I’m crazy broke. I feel like bed petting all day again x_x. Aside from making my own bookkeeping database, of course.

I don’t know if I should go boxing today. I love getting rid of my cropped up anger, but doing that in a group, with the risk of entering a new/boosting a gossip scheme, whenever I do something odd, as the newcomer… I’ve been too alone for too long to be able to enjoy a non-business-related group setting, I feel.

Especially because I fuuucking hate mainstream media and don’t give a fuck about celebrity gossip et cetera, I don’t feel like meeting new people. I just want my Graeynissis…


18:09 (06:09 PM)

Heyy I have this random accounting question I’d like to ask a Graeyniss:

When I buy a WordPress plugin to improve my services, is that plugin than accounted for as an asset with monetary value?

Because in reality, digital products are worthless, but I do have paid for it…

I’m making a VBA application for my personal bookkeeping, because regular software is not programmed for my situation, where all business expenses are done from my personal account.


19:52 (07:52 PM)

The same question goes for the purchase of a license for a virus scanner… I’ll now account for it as “general operating expense”.


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Cold Case [Tuesday, April 2, 2019]

15:53 (03:53 PM)

Hi ♥

Just like yesterday and manyyy days before that, I’m still in bed (around this time)… I’m not outing how much of a bed pet I am that often – in comparison with how often I’m exhausted and self-cuddly like this.

That’s because it’s my guilty pleasure… Dutch culture is all about getting up early and doing things together, saying that you contribute to society. My bed pettiness is considered a symptom of the illness I believe I do not have (schizophrenia), so I’m very incentivized to not shout it from the rooftops.

I reallyyy can’t wait until I see my B, because – whether or not he confirms or denies our brain-to-brain communication – the “hang out” that will soon take place, including him, my parents(, my sister (if she doesn’t have other plans)) and maybe other people [I’m not sure, because my mother is arranging this with him, because there are many reasons why he can’t reply to the manyyy messages I sent him ***], will give me a chance to reopen the cold case I have become.

Meoww my stomach is loud asf and I need to pick up my trenchcoat and black suit jacket, before the dry cleaner’s close (05:45 PM). I need to quickly shower etc fastt. Plus we’re out of bread and I’m in the mood for bread with truffle cheese and ginger jam.


  • Brood
  • Gemberjam
  • Activia yoghurt met vijgensmaak
  • Nog meer beleg¿

So I’m going to shower and attempt to make a rested impression using make-up etc, cycle to the grocery store, eat “breakfast” and cycle to the dry cleaner’s. And then Thai boxing starts at 18:30…Meoww I actually think that I prefer to go back to bed, instead of going boxing. I can also go boxing tomorrow, since I already did a full-body work-out yesterday.And not going will give me plenty of time to elaborate on the three asterisks I wrote when I very indirectly mentioned the depths of my cold case. A case that touches on both my police record and my medical record.

To be continued xxx


17:10 (05:10 PM)

Thunder strikes… I’m going to use the metro and I’m skipping make-up… And breakfast… Typing diary posts is time consuming haha…

And all I can think of is the water on the other side of the dyke(s) getting higher x_x


19:32 (07:32 PM)

I picked up my stuff at the dry cleaner’s and I entered full pet mode.

Zero Suit Samus is indestructible in the Super Smash Bros’ Adventure mode on the Switch x_x

There’s some salmon I’ll prepare for dinner (my breakfast) and then I’ll update you with an update of the cold case I’ve been speaking of since I started this blog.


21:12 (09:12 PM)

Topped with only parsley, lemon slices and a bit of sea salt, by means of keeping it simple

Here’s an update about my cold case [that what is in The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I] – in which I am (currently still) my own detective (but I hope I’ll finally get the justice I deserve):

Last week Friday, my mother told me that my B called her to tell her that he’ll do whatever it takes, to help me out. And that they’ll be in touch again, when he’s back in/near Rotterdam, to schedule the date, time and location. She told me that she was terrified from making that phonecall. I couldn’t respond to the statement about fear, because I can get very defensive when people judge my B, while he’s very important to me, and they don’t know a thing about us. She wasn’t terrified when she accused an innocent man of kidnapping me. And when she said that me saying that I’ve met him in private, was a psychosis.

So today, after a few days of mentally preparing myself to stay calm when I hear more negative judgment (because of solidarity and my interest in anything that relates to my B) I asked why their conversation was terrifying to her. She said that it was because she was suddenly speaking in English, to a man she has never met before, and that she could barely understand her when he, in Dutch, told her “sterkte”. (It saddens me that my B sees and hears my experience alongside his own experience, and that he has heard this insult through me, and that he now still has to talk to her to continue making that appointment.)

They were both mailing each other back and forth about how worried they are about me. I hope I’ll know a time where people stop saying that I, who have no such intentions, who try to make a difference, too, cause worry over absolutely nothing.

I asked them if they already had a time and location in mind. She said that we’ll meet “on neutral territory”, so not at her (and my (theoretically)) house and also not at his house. (Which is too bad, because I think the house I live in is “neutral” enough to discuss this in.) She still believes that brain-to-brain communication is impossible.

According to her, the “one-time conversation” will either be at a location she then rents or at the Erasmus University, she said. And that she’ll be the only other person present at the conversation.

I told her that I really do not want her to spend money on this. I prefer to get a chance to speak to him alone – because sooo much has happened in the past two years and I actually just want to hug him for far too long and be happy that my suffering will finally be over and that I then finally see someone who is truly capable of understanding me.

But I said that if the conversation needs to be done in front of the eyes of someone who is trustable to my mother, then at least my sister should be present. I’d be happy if she’d finally hear my side of the story and “see proof”.

I said that, if the first time seeing him after two years of hell really has to be in a public place, we should just claim an entire lecture hall, when it’s free. (Maybe in the evening?) And then say that whoever knows about my/our case is welcome to come and hear everything about me going missing and everything that came from that.

Meoww I’m going to make myself some tea, eat something light and start a new diary post day xxx


Blog, Online Diary

Grrr [Monday, April 1, 2019]

03:54 (AM)

The most important part of my list is done. My websites are updated with The Hypothesis.

I’m now going to relax until I may finally see the person who I really want to have in my life. I have worked very hard, though unpaid, and have deserved a moment to relax my brain.

Of course, I’m tasked with making dinner today. Other than that, I’m going to do non-business-related things I’m in the mood for. Yes, on a Monday.


19:00 (07:00 PM)

I decided to “keep it simple”. So that I have enough time to visit the gym 🙂 .

Oh my godd and when I get the attention I deserve, I am going to destroyyyy the Dutch health care system. They keep charging me with random shit, saying it’s “eigen bijdrage” (aside from the mandatory montly subscription), while I can’t even go to the doctor in this god forsaken country.

(Because my physician believes that I’m a schizophrenic and therefore my health complaints are not real to her, and the phycisian is “the gateway to access to health care” in this system. I find that she deserves to be put in her place for discriminating me. This is memtion in my diary in detail quite a few times.)


22:17 (10:17 PM)

The gym was niceee *heart eyes cat emoji*. I love to decompress.

I was just doing my warming up and my heart rate shows 166… for what? I was not even sprinting… Tachycardia strikes again (alwaysss) x_x.

It was my first time visiting “the new gym”, now that the previous gym I was a member of, has done a buy-out on its property.

It’s “nice” that it’s right next to the dyke, because that really makes me feel like running. (You know, just looking at it and visualizing the IJssel raiding down it. I fear not being able to survive, by drowning in an attempt to escape the high-speed waves x_x.) And it’s much closer to “home” than the previous gym. Plus, they have better punching bags 🙂 .

I’m going for a Thai boxing class tomorrow 😀 .

Now I’m going to finish my second dinner (because gym sessions make me crazy hungry), take a shower and brain-to-brain communication chill with my B (which is what, truthfully, I always do when I’m alone (which is alwaysssss)) until I fall asleeep.

Good night 🙂 xxx

(The new update for the WordPress app I use on my phone, causes me to not be able to use non-basic emojis in my updates anymore 🙁 . )


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To-do List [Sunday, March 31, 2019]

04:13 (AM)

Meoww I fear being called a schizophrenic for being awake so late/early still. Are the lights too dim?

These are a few of my answers to the questions in The Hypothesis:


I came across this:

Jong geleerd

Is oud gedaan


11:08 (AM)~~~

11:25 (AM)

Meanwhile, there’s this hypothesis “how I’m going to get the fuck out of my parents’ house” I’ve also been working on for quite a while. It involves my B 😀 .

And I have a candidate for my CouncilCorrection: I do nottt.


Nosce Te Ipsum, Popular Posts

The Hypothesis [Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5]

Proudly, I present you: the publication in which all loose ends of my former publications, come together. This is the final episode of the first book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series: The Hypothesis. What has happened to us, after The Sun Power Ritual? Will we be able to prevent The Leak from destroying our Planets? It depends on the decisions you make, in continuance of the fill-in-the gap science-fiction satire.

The Hypothesis (Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 5)
Blog, Online Diary

Episode 5 [Saturday, March 30, 2019]

03:33 (AM)

If all goes well, my newest book will be online this evening. I’m quite proud of the cover I created for it:

Major upgrade 😀

It’s 30/03 03:33. Make a wish!

Haha meow I wish everyone with a good heart a lot of success in life.

Bad people I don’t wish this, because that makes the world worse.

That typing was quite random. I’m off to beddd xxx


23:23 (11:23 PM)

My new episode is online 🙂 . I’m doing some revisions… 84 mini pages, themed with a new democracy 🙂 .

Websites D.O.C.I.S. International and have to be updated with the programme of what is to come, too, still. This reminds me of what I said on March 18th. I found that by searching the word “bullshit” on my blog xd.


Blog, Online Diary

Clarity¿ [Friday, March 29, 2019]

00:47 (12:47 AM)

Meoww I just made my comment section as well as my forum fully open, instead of requiring login at the forum and name and e-mail for comments. From analyzing my statistics, I see that this isn’t a place for visits that are that frequent, compared to visiting Facebook, whatever news source or Google or something, so the incentive to make an account isn’t that large, I guess. I find it all too quiet, so I hope this will help me get some more social action on here 🙂 . Especially now that The Hypothesis will be released… Tomorrow…? Meoww to be honest, I have a lot to write, still, but I’m trying my best to have it online in time, which is why I’m going to continue again, after this legally bought still illegal smoke.

It doesn’t sound very right, but I just feel more as though I can share what I really think, instead of all of these nuanced statements, when I’ve done this… Meoww I hope you’ll read it, when it’s finished, hopefully tomorrow night 🙂 .


18:32 (06:32 PM)

Next week, I’ll see my B 😀 . I’m so happy to hear that he is willing to do whatever it takes, to help me launch my career! I’ll try to convince him to become a publicist and ambassador of D.O.C.I.S. International! 😀

Meanwhile, I’m busy working on the last book of the Nosce Te Ipsum series, which has got me swampeddd xxx


Blog, Online Diary

The Niss Continues [Thursday, March 28, 2019]

15:45 (03:45 PM)

Meoww I have some news for you, but no definitive news yet, unfortunately. The pro and contra camps have been defined further.

I was invited to lunch and had one of the best one-sided sandwiches I’ve ever had:

“Broodje Jofel”

The reason was to tell me that the phone conversation has been postponed and to say that my e-mails have scared off my B so much that he’s now more scared off? I haven’t read the message in which he told my mother this, because she kept reiterating that I should stop sending him e-mails, because that was, according to her, what he has told her.

If I read another e-mail about him mailing things about me to her, I’d just feel like mailing him more. And it would hurt me so much if I’d read those words – even though it could have also never been said, or be a misinterpretation. So I have chosen not to read the message he sent to her and wait for when he (phone) calls her from his office… I don’t understand why she doesn’t propose to meet him in person right away, like we both proposed.

The rest of our conversation was – just like the rest of them in the past two years – about “what if” situations, regarding my connection with him.

The discussion of the past two years, is, sad but true, basically: “Why aren’t B and I BFF’s, if we can communicate with brain-to-brain communication”. The conclusion of my insanity has been drawn, without any confirmation of him. In the past two years, I’ve been keeping my foot down about that that conclusion can’t be drawn, without his official statement. They’ve ignored that, the case has been closed and I’ve lived my life stigmatized as a schizophrenic. But after 1001 “family conversations” where they speculate about how he feels about this, I’ve typed an e-mail for my mother to send him, requesting to solve this problem once and for all.

Contra – not my side – is all about “what if he says that he wants nothing to do with you at all”. A big theme in our lunch conversation.

As long as he still wants to take the time to go over my entire case and seek for a solution, that can’t be assumed, I believe.

If that’s how he feels, then he could have also e-mailed my mother to tell her that both her and I should stop messaging him and that we should both leave him alone for all eternity, instead of meeting to talk in person et cetera. Of course, it’s something I do keep in the back of my head, because as long as he hasn’t confirmed either pro or contra, anything is possible.

Pro – only I – is basically “my family (mainly my mother and her husband, in this case) are not open to this supernatural ability and will get us in trouble with police and psychiatry again, if he confirms it, which is why he doesn’t”.

Look at all that has happened to me, when I (was obliged by them to) out(ed) my sense perceptions. He is an adult with a serious career and a family, so he really can’t even risk to undergo the same shit.

My mother et alia claim that they will be fully open, tolerant, et cetera, when he possibly outs that he can hear me reason and always knows my true feelings and whereabouts. But I really wonder if they would still claim the same thing, if they find out that the ability goes as far as that he can feel it, too, when I touch myself. (Not that I’d ever encourage him to share that, but still…) I really doubt that they would say “Sure, go ahead and make a world trip with him,” – which is something they do not even expect the slightest bit in the first place – if they hear both of us claim that our souls are literally intertwined, instead of just me claiming that all by myself (for the past two years). Then why on earth portray him as a kidnapper in the first place…

I believe that his distance is strategic self-defense. That he might be waiting until I have – like I’ve always wanted, either with or without him – distanced myself from those who have damaged our reputation and might continue to do so, so that we can develop the rest of our endeavor in private.

But now that many people claim that I’m a schizophrenic, they feel the need to “care for me”, lecture me on life (fucking annoying, because their (proletarian) “wisdom” is very fucking useless to me), keep me close to them and ask me for favors. It’s hard to get them out of my life, and my desire to distance myself from them is regarded as a symptom. It’s not a fucking symptom.

I just want to be seen as and treated like the person who I really am. It’s clear that I need to move to another country to get anywhere near accomplishing that. Or at least surround myself with people who can see that I’m not a schizophrenic, but very supernatural. If only I could be with my Graeynissis there 🙁 .

So now they’ll talk on the phone like tomorrow or something? Meoow I just want to see him in person 🙁 . Maybe even hug him, if I may… But the distance my mother keeps by wanting to discuss this over the phone – oh yes she told me that I can’t be given his phone number, with the risk of me sending him messages on there, but I haven’t read his message and I know she doesn’t want me to have him in my life anyway, so I’m not sure if it’s true, and hearing that was so painful that I really didn’t dare to look at the message, especially with my tachycardia and literal heartache – team contra has a great advantage.

Tonight my mother, father (??? I now don’t know if he’s my father or not. I don’t think so, especially because of the fact that I look quite mulatto, but they keep denying it), sister and I are going out for dinner. They should just invite my B to come along x_x. Instead of mailing to arrange a phone conversation to arrange a meeting in person.

Aah meow I feel so alone x_x. I’m going to continue writing xxx


23:16 (11:16 PM)

Meoww dinner was tasty. In my favorite restaurant in Rotterdam: Langoest 🙂 . I try something new every time I go there and love it every time.

1/2 lobster


5 cheeses 😀

I’m going to continue writing a little and then head to beddd xxx


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Nerve Wracking Niss [Wednesday, March 27, 2019]

21:24 (09:24 PM)

I hadn’t shared this in my diary yet, but the decisive moment that will either confirm my supernatural hearing, or confirm my schizophrenia, will take place tomorrow morning. Schizophrenia had been confirmed starting two years ago, but my side of the story and the story of my only witness, have not been included in that case. I might finally have a shot at clearing my name and be reunited with someone I love so dearly.

Actually, that moment would take place today, but my B his trains were delayed, so it has been postponed to tomorrow morning. This announcement was made at the end of the afternoon. I spent all that time in bed, being nervous. It’s about a phone call that will take place between my mother and Benoît Crutzen.

In a way, I’m glad that it didn’t take place today, because she wasn’t even home when he’d call. I want to hear their conversation myself, instead of hearing a summary that might include a bias. I’d also be happy to hear his voice again. After so long 🙁 .

I must say that I already feel like I could win this, because he’s willing to make time for me. After my parents falsely called the cops on both of us (something I’ll never be at peace with), conversations have been all about how he wants nothing to do with me. And look at the situation I’m in now 🙂 . Yess it’s quite painful that he doesn’t reply to any of my messages, but maybe this is an even better way anyway. Since I could not do anything with him (talking, business, chilling, or something else) without the approval of my parents. I feel too old for this shitt, but meow these are the cards I can play.

My focus has been all over the place for the past few weeks, dealing with many forms of emotional pain. I’ve been working on my newest book – today as well – but I really don’t know if I’ll succeed in releasing it on the 30th. Especially because I also want to renew the D.O.C.I.S. International website to something with more images and a greater focus on the non-profit aspect of the business. And I want to have finished the Project Nosce Te Ipsum page. All to boost that one release…

These underrated self-guided projects are starting to tire me a lot, mentally. I need a team. But I won’t stop doing everything by myself, until I’ve found the right people to work with.

I’m going to continue to work on the new Nosce Te Ipsum release, until the conversation takes place, tomorrow morning… This might sound crazy, but that conversation will determine my future and my will to live. If my witness, my B, denies my abilities, I’ve been wrongly keeping my foot down for the past two years, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a schizophrenic who doesn’t agree with the diagnosis. If he confirms my abilities, I can clear my name and hopefully kickstart my real career.

It’s nerve wracking, but very much worth ittt. I hope to bring you positive news tomorrow 🙂 xxx


The featured image is made by Burst.

I chose this image, because it shows exactly how I wrapped myself up in bed today. The way I often do, when things get nerve wracking or emotionally painful.
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The Sound [Tuesday, March 26, 2019]

08:23 (AM)

Good morning! ♥

It’s like I can hear the sound of our “once a month” air alarm build up in the far distance. And today is not the first Monday of the month… If “it” would happen today, I wouldn’t mind. I would be happy with the cognitive challenge. To finally live under circumstances where most of my talents aren’t wasted. Even though things might become critical, I’d be happy to see a new side of life and for the balance of nature to restore.

I always wake up when I hear people get ready for work/school. And that currently very subtle sound, triggers my senses.

Meoww I’m going to continue working on my hypothesis xxx


Blog, Online Diary, Popular Posts

“Reminiscing” & Writing [Monday, March 25, 2019]

14:15 (02:15 PM)

Heyy ♥

My long term goal is to put my concepts for the development of my non-profit publishing and charity business into a multifunctional non-profit multinational, into practice.

It’s not simple, to find funding for this concept. So I’m very glad that yesterday, when I was thinking of finding another way to prove my expertise, I came across the University of Antwerp, which seems to have a very simple admission process, which, for this curriculum, apparently closed on the 14th of March. I hope I can still get in…

In that way, I can prove my expertise, claim a better salary and, once I have obtained at least 60 credits – haha yes I don’t have yet x_x – I could enroll in the program for student-entrepreneurs. It would solve my problem of having become far too attached to my bed.

In the period in which I wasn’t posting diary posts, I’ve gone to a couple of Meetup (that social media app) events. One about sustainable finance, another “shut up and write”, one about financial independence and one about public speaking.

Oh, and I have also worked as a street enquêteur for one day, when I was not diary posting. Approaching people who work in the business park of Schiphol Airport, from 7 AM until 10 AM, asking them if they make use of the “free sharing bike”, of which the funding might be cut. (Including two hours of travelling with metro and bus, to where I stayed in Amsterdam. It was for less than €30 in total, and I still haven’t claimed it yet. (I just thought of it, and was texted the “claim your income through our online portal” instructions later.)) I have pictures and videos of me doing that. There must be pictures and videos of me at those events as well, but I’m not on Facebook anymore.

I had to get up at 5 AM for this. I was tired while filming this… Oh meoww my phone can’t handle uploading the videos, so I’ll try to upload them via my computer 🙂 . For that, I’ll have to abandon my sweet bed. Also because I’m hungry and I want to continue writing. There’s quite a lot on my list, for the release of The Hypothesis, still…

Here’s a picture:

Bed petje doing “semi-“field work. This was on the 27th of February.

It was fun, but I felt like it was too far below the complexity of labor I can handle. That’s why the job hunt – even though I would rather work on the Project Nosce Te Ipsum Campaign – is going so very slow.

Meowws my mother will send my B another message soon – still too random that this now goes via her – so I still have a bit of hope for even better options than studying in Antwerp full-time or submitting myself to the work week of 40 hours for another boss ( = not me) again, until I find another suitable (and affordable) university.

I’m going to leave my bed and work on my most recent book xxx


18:59 (06:59 PM)

Meowww 🙁

I have to work on my release, to keep up my non-marketed publishing schedule of publishing something on the 30th of every month. But I’m so tired and there’s so much work to do, still. I’m talking unfinished chapters 🙁 . And making the cover et cetera. To release something I could be seriously proud of, I need more time (and a budget higher than €0). Aah meow and this heartache x_x.

I’m going to bed pet 🙁 .

I made a picture earlier, of myself in pet mode:

I don’t think I’ll upload that video today 🙁 .

Sad petje will go to bed now, and continue to write later xxx


Drafts, Popular Posts, Recipes

A Semi-Simple Three Course Meal Improv

By following this recipe, you’ll end up with soup, a main dish and a dessert, you could feed your family with, for more than one day.

These are the basic ingredients I’m using

I always season and measure my ingredients intuitively. It’s great for developing your own taste. You should do the same 🙂 .

For the soup, you’ll need:

  • Asparagus
  • Parsnip
  • Vegetable stock block
  • Dairy butter
  • Flour
  • Parsley
  • Cooking cream

For the main dish [mashed potatoes, breaded shrimp and vegetables], you’ll need:

  • Potatoes
  • Spinach
  • Red coal with apples
  • Shrimps
  • Dairy butter
  • Cinnamon
  • Ketjap
  • Five spices
  • Cayenne pepper
  • Cooking cream
  • Breadcrumb
  • One or two eggs
  • Flour

For the dessert, you’ll need:

  • Your favorite ice cream
  • Raspberries

I’m making this by myself and make the main course and starter simultaneously.

My shrimps are frozen, so I’ll transfer them to a bowl, to let them defrost naturally, while soaking up some flavors. That’s why ketjap, five spices and cayenne pepper are added to the bowl of defrosting shrimp.

Unfortunately, we were out of ketjap, so I’m currently using soy sauce, and ketjap will be added later. (I recommend ketjap, because it has a less salty taste.)

Our next step is peeling and chopping the parsnip and asparagus.

Now that that is done, I’m adding them to a “soup” pan with just enough hot water to have all of our parsnip and asparagus be submerged into it. Add a pinch of salt to this, and let it boil until the asparagus as well as the parsnip are soft.

Put the lid on this, to speed up our process

As they boil, also boil the potatoes.

Melt some butter in another pan and add the spinach and read coal with apples to that, with some cinnamon, on a low heat.

When the asparagus and parsnips are soft, drain them and keep its moisture for the soup

Melt some butter and later stir a few spoons of flour through it.