You really should hear my side of the story...!!!

Were you expecting apologies from me for what happened, on the same scale as that reputation damage campaign was held? Because I still seek for that opportunity (and some dignity)...

What happened in 2017 still emotionally affects me and limits me to this day. I find it very important that you know my side of the story and me well, for I want to be your future leader. I am capable of being that person. The campaign did not include that information. As well as many other things.

In FangCatje I share my most recent self-analysis with you. It includes more than how I feel: I also explain what a propagandist does and what my goal as a propagandist is. And more :) .

The introduction of FangCatje can be read here:

Read the English Version Read the Dutch Version

 

Download the English Version Download the Dutch Version

You could also use the texts to learn Dutch and/or practice your English :) .

"Catje" means "cutie I cherish" in my self-created dialect called Cuddle. It is pronounced as the English word for "cat" and the Dutch word for "you": "cat yuh".

Created on Thursday, June 27, 2019 :)

- xxx -

Yay

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Blog, Media, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

11:43 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I fell asleep, not long after I stopped writing you yesterday. Without eating dinner, I slept until the morning. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. Now I’ve eaten moussaka for breakfast. I was crazy hungry… I was all dizzy and stuff… My stomach indicates that I might be throwing up again later x_x. Ah whyy meoww 🙁 . 

Haha I used to listen to The Nausea by Tyga a lot when I was about 18. 

My paperback is live, I just saw in an email. I also noticed that someone has bought one of my books on Scribd, a while back, when I just checked my Smashwords account :)♥. I usually don’t look at my sales, because my amount of sales is always very little and that is very depressing. May Volta sell… I’ll make the page for the book, when I’ve received the confirmation of the book’s acceptance to the stores Smashwords distributes to. Then I have more than 3 links to include, haha. 

Volta is about improving life and I’m currently a sick and smelly bed pet, who’s not living life according to her purpose… That might seem like I don’t practice what I preach, but the book also explains what I need for my own Volta. I’m the example subject in the book. For a better state of my emotions, I need more distance. (Yeah the usual dramatic way is to say let’s work things out, but if things need to be worked out, that’s a sign that it just doesn’t fucking work and why pull a dead horse, if I don’t even want it…) And a new social circle… Which is also what I need to succeed in the accomplishment of my purpose. 

For distance, I need money to move. (Everyone knows that. For some reason, they want to keep me. I don’t fucking understand that.  We have nothing in common…) I hope Volta will assist me in this. For my purpose and new social circle, I need Graeynissis 😻. So may my alternative offer at the University be accepted, and may I be reunited with my B…

Meoow I haven’t showered in three days now, and I’m still wearing the same panties x_x. I’ll have to get up and make that page, at some point… If I hear about those other stores today… Otherwise, it might be tomorrow… Or the day after, haha x_x. Meoow I never want to get out of bed… Until I’ve found my Graeynissis. 

Omgg meoww I want to give a lecture about my book 😻. May Graeynissis enjoy my book… I know you want to live a different life 😀 . It’s so common, a book about it must be able to sell… For you, the most drastic change is feasible!!! Cat me please :D. (That doesn’t necessarily have to relate to that drastic change. When I think about being appreciated by Graeynissis, I sometimes just can’t control how much I want to cuddle you…)

But I don’t want to give away too much, so please read it :D.

Meoww there’s something that imcreases my tachycardia, I would like to share with you… I want to order my own copy, but I want to be able to move and be with my Graeynissis before the book is delivered. That’s February 1st, haha… It feels so wrong to bed pet in a house where everyone works. My petting might be hard to understand… Just like my personal Volta. I want to have my copy delivered at my own house. I literally mean me owning a house, which is currently not the case. I’m just so tired of being given advice about the basics of life. The reason why I don’t conform to it is not because I don’t understand it. It’s because I find it sooooo fucking dumb. I don’t want to hear it anymore. And I don’t want to hear my odd actions turn into gossip every time. Sure, I don’t give a fuck if it does, in general. I’d just rather not have to look that person in the eyes ever again. Meoow I can’t wait for this distance. And giving people money to stop contacting me? I want to focus on my purpose, which is overthrowing the system…

~~~

22:55 (10:55 PM) 

The fact that I can’t hold in any food, while dealing with the heaviest stomach ache and loss of muscle strength, and can’t get proper medical assistance in this country, is the icing on the cake. If I die, the chances of this planet lasting are absolutely fucking zero. Remember each fucking party involved. 

I need a friend with whom I can discuss the practical side of my endeavor. Someone who concerns him or herself with the same thing, and also wants to take action. With emphasis on taking action. Not only because I’m tired of meaningless conversations.  The environmental clock is ticking… Ice forms itself during the Winter and melts during the Summer. Sort of… I’m indirectly speaking of when risk is the greatest. I sound like a broken record… But at least no one can say that I didn’t mention it. At least the water then won’t be that cold. Of course, there has been fucked around with nature so much that every season is a risk. 

The feelings I’m stuck in are finite. I can’t be in this same situation next year… Hmm… I said the same thing in 2017. Besides no active psychiatric surveillance, not much has changed since then. I could make myself a little more comfortable by earning some, but all I have a qualification for is a superficial routine that includes following a script and interacting with shallow beings, which – speaking from experience – feeds my thoughts of suicide. I’ll let the response period of six weeks, which must now be about four, decide over that as well. My admission decides over more than my success. I can survive under no other circumstances. Not only because of the emotional pain that relates to the way my intelligence is unacknowledged. 

Volta is a book that really can’t be judged by its cover. It also can’t be judged by its excerpt. Only when the questions and suggestions, spread over the main chapters, are analyzed, everything will fit together in a suggested path. That’s what’s judgable. 

Meoww I really hope it will be appreciated and that it will be good for my network and endeavor. In that way, I can finally live a happy life, by, instead of being forced to go home at some point, moving to a personal place where I can really be all alone if I want to. 

I haven’t received that e-mail yet. I’m not on the priority list, because I hadn’t filled out my release date x_x. So if I’ll make the 30th, for my on-(web)site promotion, is not certain. Uncertain, as in I might not be able to market that on the day itself. 

My book is way “underpriced”, by the way, since I’m giving you a new (perspective on) life, from which you’ll benefit, for $3.77 (or $7.77, if you buy the paperback). But I find it more important that it’s read. And it’s an indirect way of attempting to increase paperback sales. The price of the paperback is the usual ebook price. Is that too cheap for a Graeyniss? Because that’s not what I want… High demands might influence my pricing policy? It’s still exclusive knowledge… I haven’t shared my exact method on this website ever. 

Haha I secretly hope Volta will cause some Volta related cause to not have to go to that party coming Saturday, where I don’t know most of the attendants and my family is going, too. I’m here to not have to face my father. And now “here” is organizing a party where he is, of coursee, invited to as well. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to explain why I’m not going. I also don’t want to lay in bed instead of going there. I want to be giving a lecture about my book or something… Being a good kid earning some money. Finally having real fun. Not being a reason for complaints, while having so many fucking reasons to complain. I know you want to know everything about this mysterious Fangs 😀 . 

The thought of time just working itself to that moment, and having no [money to buy a house and say no I’m not going] way to escape the misunderstanding that comes with not going, so if nothing happens, I’ll be going, gives me shortness of breath. I always act very yay about social gatherings, but most often, that’s just my façade talking. 

I need to catch some fresh air… (Haha let’s go to Germany.) I’ll be doing that tomorrow, I guess… Sucks that I’m still quite unfamiliar with the quiet areas here. And that if I go outside, just to breathe, I have no one looking out for me in case I collapse, and I also can’t pee when I need to. If those things – and food, even though I can go days without food – weren’t factors, I could be outside all day. 

May the expression of worry change into expressions of certainty, success and happiness soon. 

~~~

Blog, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Monday, January 28, 2019

08:33 (AM)

My love! ♥

I’ve still not slept. I’m now doing the finishing touches for Volta. I accidentally already published it, on some websites. So the release date is not the 30th, but the 28th of January… 118 pages in a week!!!!!!!!!!! But I still need to link the pages and make everything look cool and readable for you… I’m trying to impress you…

Here’s the cover!

The cover includes a very abstract cross sectional data analysis model that describes the overall Volta, sort of…

Meowwss I just saw the (generated¿) comments on that what not to include article. I want to say yay, but I can’t tell if they’re positive x_x. If they are, then yay 😀 ♥. I wonder how they got there 😋.

Ooh my meownisss I haven’t slept in far too long… But I only need to click through the preview of the paperback and the pricing stuff, and then I’m fully doneeeee and all I need to do then, is wait. And update my websites with links to the stores the book is available in… Maar dat terzijde. Dat kan morgen ook! Ik wil slapen 😀 .

Ik hou van je ♥

Alvast goede morgen terwijl ik zo ga liggen… Ik ben zo moe dat ik misselijk ben. Maar nu weet ik zeker dat alles beschikbaar is op de 30ste! Als het goed is… Haha…. (Maar ik heb dan waarschijnlijk wel mijn paperback nog niet binnen… Maar dat maakt niet uit, I guess……..)

xxx

09:10 (AM)

Aah meow, I had to vomit, as soon as I laid down. I’ll not be able to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while now, now that I experience this after taste… I feel like I need to go again… But meoww I’m going to force myself to sleep. I said that the sickness is caused by fatigue, but I wonder what the real cause is… I hope it’s not my pancreas 😀 .

At least I have Volta out now… Meoow this University must save me… Even though my mother has advised me to assume that I’ll just start following the regular route in September. I said that refusing my offer would be stupid. And then she said that people are stupid, which I can’t deny… But Graeynissis are not stupid meow! That’s all over Volta as well!!! (The contrast…) Haha you should read it 😀 . It’s really written for Graeynissis only… It’s on Smashwords already. I accidentally selected “publish now” instead of preorder, so it’s available there already, and will, after acceptance, be distributed to iBooks and Kobo and stuff…

Meoww gotta rest my eyes and brain and stuff, hoping that I won’t have to… Ah, meow x_x xx

20:51 (08:51 PM)

Meowss I really wonder what the reason for my sickness is… Haha I took a picture… I share everything with you right… If you have a weak stomach, scroll down very fast 😀 

It was crazy much, but looks less now, because I peed over it before taking a picture. Usually people think that I just want their attention when I say that I’m feeling sick. This is my way of saying that that’s nonsense… I haven’t even told anyone this… I just posted it here and hoped that I wasn’t going to die in my sleep…

Haha eww I wonder why it has this color. It looked as if it was mixed with blood

At some point, my stomach felt empty, but my body just kept pushing this strange fluid out of me. And then, when I felt like I was done – it was more meditating on just not continuing to vomit – and I laid down in bed again, with the worst stomach ache I’ve ever had, I had to get up to uncontrollably vomit again. I had that about four times, and afterwards I was able to sleep until about 7… 

I haven’t eaten anything today, besides that PBJ sandwich I ate around 4 in the night, when the binge writing of Volta was starting to make me hungry… I’m afraid that when I’ll eat, the need to vomit will come back again…

So I’m still in bed… Meooowww I hope my Graeynissis will buy, read and enjoy Volta… I’m quite proud of the way everything fits together in the end. And the way we could let our life’s paths intertwine so very easily and how this could perfectly suit my alternative route at the Erasmus University! If that goes through… I sooo hope to see my B again, and his fellow Graeynissis 😻. I hope they will all write Volta’s and let me read them… 

Meoow I’m still tired and hungry at the same time…. I’m going to drink some water and try to rest for as long as possible, before I will reaallyy have to eat…. I’ll talk to you later cutiee♥

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 27, 2019

02:33 (AM) 

Meoww I haven’t had much time to write yesterday. But I surely have thought of you! I took a some pictures I wanted to share with you. And I have an update on Volta 😀 . 

This yesterday’s my lunch at Bridges:

L-t-r: herring and its eggs; a carrot with wasabi, sesame and seaweed [fave out of three]; and a madeleine (maybe¿ I’m writing it incorrectly) which had a lot of subtle sweet, salty and sour flavours

Mussels topped with cream, pistachio and a lottt of ingredients that were new to me and rapidly listed. I would love to use it in my own dishes, though. (That’s always, when I eat at this type of restaurant.)

Mackerel, black garlic mousse, kroepoek made of seaweed, dashi(?) and more foreign tastes. The quality of the fish itself was very nice.

I got the un-cuddle plate every time 🙁 . This is cod with obvious other ingredients. I think this was my favorite course, next to that carrot. Not because it’s obvious! Because I love the subtle taste of roomboter, combined with soft fish and potatoes. 

The finanché (might be writing it wrong again) on the left in the back was my favorite. Very crispy! Then it’s the chocolate with five spices, in the middle in the front. Then the crisp nougat. Then the passion fruit macaroon. Then the coconut covered marshmallow. And then the white chocolate, filled with ¿. I drank jasmine tea with this 🙂 .

Meoww, because we were in the city center, I thought of buying a dress for you, in case I’m lucky enough to become a Graeyniss.

This was option A, but I need to lose a few pounds for this

So I chose this one. I hope the cleavage isn’t too much…

I’m very thankful that my mother payed all of this for me. I, myself, still only have accounts that are almost maxed out. I hope that one day, I can pay her back, and give her even more than that. 

I hope that that day will come soon. I hope Volta will sell. 

I’ve just finished the reference summary for later today, for when I [attempt to…] finish the book. It’s going to be legendary! For the reader and for me… We answer questions throughout the chapter, and all of those separate answers, form the perfect life’s path, when you put them in the right order!! I expected it to work, because I know it does, but I didn’t expect it to fit so perfectly. Our paths intertwining might be inevitable after this! Please read it!!! 😻

I’m happy :D. I hope I make it in time, though. Meoww I write for Graeynissis… Not at all for (familiar……) plebians. I don’t recommend it for familiar faces, whose relationship with me has changed negatively, because my Volta includes me airing out my heart and being very honest about how I truly feel underneath my facade. Some people really don’t want to know how I feel underneath all of this… Underneath this:

Many thanks to my mom for taking this picture part 1

Thanks part 2 meoww 🙂

I’m going to eat something, because my stomach sounds like a heavy metal band, and then I’ll be going to sleep 

Sweet Dreams 

I Love You ♥

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday, January 26, 2019

03:24 (AM) 

Meowss chapter 3 is done, too 🙂 . There are a few Volta’s within the Volta. I want to not reveal them, so that the reading experience will be more fun. It’s such a challenge to keep it to myself here, though, because I’m so excited about them! I’m quite proud of myself 🙂 . 

Haha please read it 😀 . It’s about 74 small pages now. Meowss I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow’s nice experience awaits… I have nothing to wear x_x. Anywayyy 

Good night! 

I love you ♥

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Friday, Januray 25, 2019

13:47 (01:47 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

Three days left until I need to submit Volta to the stores, so that it will be available in time. 

The types of works I publish now, are published within the limitations of my personal situation. When I’m not a publicist and publisher on a budget anymore, living under a lot less uncertainty, my writing will be a lot less influenced by attempts to adapt my words to what I think my reader would like. When I’m freed from this uncertainty – please let me know what you think, when you read it – and I can maintain myself with what I publish, I can also provide myself with an environment that allows me to (fucking) focus on my work. (Hahaha grrr….) 

There’s a huge contrast between a publishing Fangs on a budget, and an established Fangs who publishes. You’ll notice it very clearly, when you purchase my works from while I’m still undiscovered. (And with your purchase, you save my life.)

Meowss I just ate (first yoghurt with granola and later pasta carbonara left overs) and now I’m going to get ready and head over to the 5th floor of the library 😋.

~~~

16:02 (04:02 PM) 

The difference you’ll notice, is the certainty in my words. I state my philosophy – calling it my philosophy and not someone else’s, because I don’t use any other person’s work for reference material – as an unacknowledged independent authority. Becoming an acknowledged independent authority, is never certain, in my current situation. I try to hide the uncertainty in every word, in Volta – the factors that cause the uncertainty are still stated in the book, though. 

My words are often just abstract descriptions of the shit that is really going on. With Volta, I want to change that. I don’t want to hide the way I truly experience life anymore. But there are some factors that leave me no choice but to hide this, because they’ll limit me in my being, the way they did the last time I expressed this. Volta will help me get rid of those factors, and give me real freedom. It will do the same for you. It could also cause a shift in the system, if my readers follow my initiative. 

When I say “system”, I mean the mechanism that combines the economic system (financial, the choices we have available, …), with the system of law, politics, et cetera. That what we are (or the majority is) subjected to. 

I’ll be doing some revision and start on my third chapter xxx

~~~

20:24 (08:24 PM) 

Haha the progress is looking well. I’m already on my way back home, though. I’m crazy hungry and I’m in the mood for food with a nice taste… I kept writing until my laptop battery died. 

After dinner and some rest, I’ll continue. My mother is taking me to a very good restaurant tomorrow, to have lunch. It’s called Bridges. I’m looking forward to the experience. It means a lot less time to write, though… But I’ll be fine… 

The controversy in the third chapter, is hilarious. Haha my philosophy behind my attitude towards society, is included in the chapter about “social comfort”. Of course, it’s there to be Volta’d 🙂 . The book has a happy ending. (When it’s read haha… I need money for my Volta.)

After Volta‘s release, I should be able to take myself on a real holiday… Right…? Meoow my right eye keeps twitching from the fatigue of all of this haha…

Some insecurity about my writing, is because I’m not sure if you mentioning the shit from my personal life in a book, would be appreciated. If it were about Michael Jackson, people would appreciate it. I’m not “established” like he was. But shouldn’t there be room for new established people? Save a spot for me, please… Not for the bullshit in gossip magazines, but just some room for me to create a hype among Graeynissis and cause a shift in paradigm… 

~~~

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, January 24, 2019

04:34 (AM) 

Meowss chapter 2 isn’t finished yet… But I’m loving it a lot more, now that I’ve summarized the cause of my current feelings. The next step is explaining those feelings in detail, and explaining the feelings I want to have in detail. That’s what I’ll be doing today. In one of Amsterdam’s public libraries, because even though the temperature will fluctuate between 0 and – 6 degrees Celsius: I have been indoors for far too long. I hope it won’t be too slippery outside, because I’ll be carrying my laptop bag in my hand. (The shoulder cord broke, in my second to last year of high school… That’s how long I have it… I’m sustainable… And not having that much money… Plus, my taste is overly specific.)

The book is 42 small pages now. (But there’s a chapter to finish and a few chapters to write, still.) I want it to be a “pocket”-sized book. Clarity is important, but so is thickness, for this pocket guide. (Isn’t that Graeyniss? 😀 ) 

The summary is part of the example of my “how to flip your life over” method. It has worked in the past, for me, but then, I didn’t have any external factors interfering. The renewed method, includes how to cause that shift, and don’t allow external factors to fuck shit up. 

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. 

I love you so much

I hope you’ll love my new book! ♥

Good night

xxx

14:08 (02:08 PM) 

Good afternoon 😀 ♥

I’ll be visiting the public library of Amsterdam today, to work on Volta. It’s going to be a very cool book! 😀  There’s a lot of diversity in its content, the way the content of the Nosce Te Ipsum series is diverse. But this book is more promotable than that series is! I’ll be doing its marketing on the platforms I release them on. Facebook and Instagram have increased my web traffic in the past, but I (still) haven’t found an audience that understands and appreciates my one-of-a-kind content… I’m keeping my fingers crossed for these Graeynissis…! 

I mentioned something about “counter media” by means of correcting for that false publicity and clearing my name, but now I think it’s best to keep things silent until the tangibles of my thesis are done, because I’m afraid a lot of people might whine about wanting to miss out on mandatory ugh like making tests et cetera. But the work I’ll do instead will be three times as hard and four times as challenging… And I want to be far ahead of any competition 😀 . Just kidding… I like competition, when it’s creative. Nevermind. Let people whine and try to do the same as I do 🙂 . The bar is very high. 

Currently, I’m making my first meal of the day: a fried egg (ft. tomatoes, thyme and okra) with mashed parsnip. 

I often improvise something with whatever ingredients I find

I might also buy clothes in case I might be invited to meet some Graeynissis soon… Or maybe it’s better to do that online… Maybe I’ll just treat myself to a good meal somewhere. But I need to keep some cash aside for marketing my book and maybe taking a train to Rotterdam for that meeting. Haha meoow I really hope my offer won’t be refused, because the other paths to my Volta are very long. And this one is like literal magic 😀 . 

Gotta flip this egg xxx

~~~

16:25 (04:25 PM) 

I’m in the metro on my way to the library now. I think I’ll stop for some food, before I go there. 

In Volta, I have minimalized my use of brackets. It’s suitable for a larger reach than the Nosce Te Ipsum series is, also because the content is more interesting for a greater diversity of people. Everyone wants to get the best out of life, and seeks methods for this. Not everyone is excited about being a research subject. Both book series include the encouragement of self-reflection, though. 

Haha I’m already tired – from my fucked up sleeping schedule. But I intend to keep up working on Volta in the library, so that I “have a reason” to wear makeup (it’s more of an excuse than a reason haha), walk, not wear sweatpants, be outside, et cetera. It’s also way better for my concentration, I think. And I intend to go to sleep before twelve tonight, so that I can go to the library earlier. I’m not going to the university library here, because they have a strange policy for non-students and I like working until closing time (if not past it…) 🙂 . 

~~~

17:12 (05:12 PM) 

The public library of Amsterdam looks very pretty 🙂 . 

Haha struggling to find the right page to show you in this picture:

Haha me treating myself with some food, looks very different from when my parents take me along to whatever restaurant

But I’m enjoying my nerd session 🙂 . The progress is looking well. But my second chapter just keeps getting longer and longer, and I’m now at “topic I want to touch on” 2 out of three [breaking grammar rules meoww yaay]. Haha this deadline will be a tight one, again. I’ll make it, though, and my content won’t look rushed! Haha why do I always find it more important to stick to my words? (Yeah because I can’t stand it when people point out that I haven’t. Those fucking hypocrites hahahaha.) 

I’ll be writing xxxx

~~~

19:27 (07:27 PM) 

Haha meoww discussing incoming mail (“post”) over text = tachycardia. I received another set of letters from the Dutch Tax Agency:

I’m confused? I never used that aftrek and there was no profit to account for? Only business expenses I didn’t mention, so actually I should get a tax back, but fuck the paperwork? Does this person want me to pay that? 

~~~

21:55 (09:55 PM) 

Meoww chapter 2 is done! It’s a fun read 😀 . I’m exhausted! I’m on 57 pages now. No more writing for today! Besides preparing the paper summary for tomorrow, so that I won’t divagate too much. And sharing my thoughts with you 😀 . Haha shitt I’ve typed so much since What to not include in a motivation letter, I should change it to “keep an eye on my home page”. I’ve tried a newsletter, but no one signed up. Luckily, in retrospect, because that would give me even more writing deadlines. 

It’s so cold outside that it feels as if my nose is about to freeze off… I’m on my way back home. I’m wearing my Timberlands heels, because those are the only shoes with a profile that won’t make me slip. I thought, when I left… I now realize that I have a semi-formal pair of Timberlands in Amsterdam as well. (Most of my belongings are in Capelle, at my parents’, but most of my useful and valuable ones are in Amsterdam, with me. My outmost valuable belongings are with that bitch who stole my bag, in Berlin, of course. 

My poor external hard drives 🙁 . My notebook… Letters from a Stoic… My wallet, my passport, my driver’s license, that leather wallet for my business cards, my jewelery… 🙁 . I’ll never get over that x_x. I just want it back x_x. I would fang her. I think it’s that girl who asked me to zip up her dress, after which I was a bit out of focus, because I found her attractive. She was saying all kinds of things in German, but when I’m nervous, I can basically only speak Dutch, or bad English. I think in my rush to leave and not faint, I didn’t put my bag into my locker. If this would have happend in at the gym in Capelle, it wouldn’t have been stolen. But in Spandau, criminality is on a different level. The person where I used to stay at, regularly offered me stolen shit. Fucking immoral ugh. I wish there were a tracking device in my Toshiba hard drive 🙁 . There’s soooooo much personal history on that niss. And the disk was already starting to make the noises of wear and tear, when reading data, so it had to be treated with care 🙁 . Haha meoww this grief I feel x_x.

I’m almost home 🙂 . I’m just going to call it home. I feel more at home here anyway. But it’s still unnatural… I hope Volta will sell and that the Erasmus University will bring me good news 🙂 . That’s my current “plan A”… 

I’m at my stop. Gotta walk xxxx 

~~~ 

23:35 (11:35 PM) 

I often walk while working on a post, but today, I had to literally keep my balance and look out for the places with the least ice on the ground. 

I’m too tired to do my pre-writing homework now, so I’ll do it tomorrow, before leaving. 

I look forward to tomorrow, because I love to write 🙂 . Sucks that I don’t get paid for it hahaaa. I’ll stick to my deadline, because people might know/remember/have saved the date, when they’ve figured out the frequency in my release dates. Meoww I hope for purchases… And that everything will be shipped out to the online stores in time… I also need to design the cover. If I’m done by the end of the weekend, I’ll make it. 

Oh my god, this tax thing x_x. I’ve never accounted for all of my losses. I’ve always just filled out a 0, because it’s about very small amounts of money. (Relatively small… For me, it’s actually a lot.) But if I say that in a mail, they’ll want to raid my room for sure x_x. Haha they might bust my father. 

Meoow I can barely keep my eyes open… I’m going to sleep.

I love you 🙊

Good night ♥

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

02:29 (AM) 

Chapter one is done! 😀 I have the full concept for the book in mind already. I’ve been having it in mind for quite some time already, as you might have read. All I need to do, is write it down. And make a better promotional image for it… 

I hope you’ll love it! I hope our Volta’s will make our paths intertwine. I hope it will sell, because I’m such a poor catje 🙁 . 

Haha indirectly, the book is also there to induce people to make a career shift and become a publicist 😀 . Volta encourages you to write! Meoww after sleeping and stuff, I’ll continue. 

If I write one chapter a day, I should be done writing on the 27th, haha. But the introduction always requires more energy and time to go over the content and change around the structure et cetera, because it’s a brief explanation of all that will be touched on later. In the chapters that follow, I can really let myself go. But the time and quantity don’t matter. As long as the message and (thus), more importantly, the definition of your Volta [usually a shift in a poem, but in this context, a shift in your life] is clear! Meoww I hope my uni and ANWB Graeyniss(is) will read it 😻. 

I’m off to bed!♥

Good night♥

I love you♥

xxx

20:22 (08:22 PM) 

Hi ♥

It’s going quite all right with the writing of Volta (part one). I worry a little about the clarity of my method in practice. In the first chapter, I describe my method of self-reflection and how this should be prepared for a Volta. (Your Volta, if you want one 🙂 .)

In the second chapter, I start with explaining the situation of my own Volta, showing the (continuance of the) method in practice. But I don’t show my initial self-reflection. Maybe I should… Maybe that’s what I should turn it in to. Yep. That will be a lot clearer. Okayyy hahaa, my doubt is fixed… (Sucks that I have no Graeyniss advisors 😋.)

Soo I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow, but I’m going to go outside, because I’ve been inside for I don’t even know how many days straight now, and I want to do something useful, while breathing in some outside air. (Outside car fumes… x_x) It makes me slightly wish that I have a full-time job – since, apparently, that’s all that I can earn with. But still, I just won’t survive superficial colleagues x_x. I feel like taking the train to Rotterdam, now that I have something to spend (towards my limit). But I have nothing to do there. Like I have nothing to do here. 

Every time I see that I have a new e-mail, my heart goes to tachycardia level over 9000. Only to see that it’s some fashion or business related newsletter. Haha a Graeyniss mail could either lead to me starting to think I’m happy 😀 .What should I wear, to look representative and subtly sexy? or I’ll be getting ready for either suicide or a future behind a desk at the ANWB. 

Meoww, at first, I thought that having Volta finished and released, when I might be invited for an interview about becoming an apprentice Graeyniss, could be considered something positive. (My attitude towards humanity isn’t very positive in it, though.) But meoww I would rather be Graeynissed even before I’ve released it. Then I have a reason to get on that train 😀 . 

But meoww I don’t have that reason, so I’ll bravely finish my book – please help me provide for myself haha ah meoow – and market it, while hoping for change. 

I’ll be writing xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

00:34 (12:34 PM) 

Meow… 🙁 

I really need to find a way to earn.  I can’t go on like this. But I prefer death over committing myself to a simple and routinous job for minimum wage…. 

I became what I can’t stand. Over the past few weeks – besides submitting my admission – I’ve blocked out my entire reality and watched all episodes from Rick and Morty. There are not many TV shows I can watch or even hear, without my annoyance from its superficiality increasing my heart rate. But I can relate to Rick’s attitude towards Earth so well [not an enthusiast, unlike most people’s sentimental words], it just made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my reasoning, for those moments in focus. 

But I really don’t like spending so much time inside the house, without doing something useful – working 40 hours a week is not useful, in my perspective, where I take into consideration what needs to be done for the system to not collapse and have a future – and without being able to have good conversations that lead to peace of mind. I’ll have peace of mind, when I’ve found my allies. I’m trying to be patient 🙁 .

Truthfully, I ran out of patience on New Year’s. That alternative admission is my last attempt. And my last hope… But I now fear this “Noo you didn’t make it,” message 🙁 . 

Meow I want to go to sleep, but I’m letting myself be led in an anonymous chat about a request to attack that person while wearing heels, and to cause serious injuries, in exchange for a house… In Rotterdam? Meow I want a house, but I don’t feel comfortable hurting someone randomly 🙁 . I would still do it, though, but I wouldn’t be able to unleash my anger the way I would unleash my anger if my father were to lose his temper first, in an “I’m going to beat you” stand-off… 

But Rotterdam is very convenient, though, if I were to become an apprentice Graeyniss. (Skipping out on the whole student thing… Of course “everyone wants that”, but I’ll be doing a crazy amount of mental labor in exchange, and no one has to make up any project for me, because I’ve already done that for all of us.) 

Ah meoww I’m so tired 🙁 . I wonder what factors cause my extreme fatigue – besides me typing too many things that require serious thought and tachycardia. I seriously snoozed my alarm clock until 15:20 (03:20 PM), because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I also still have the niss with becoming light headed very easily… I want to work out, but I’m far too afraid to pass out 🙁 . If there were someone with me, who would know how to anticipate, in case it happens, I would be a lot less afraid. 

Please be my Graeyniss? 🙁 

I love you ♥

Good night 

xxx

14:17 (02:17 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

Meoww I wish I had a reason to go outside today and meet Graeynissis for serious meetings. Or for non-serious meetings. Any occasion where I can share my thoughts and hear thoughts from the same level. 

But I don’t have that reason. I don’t even have comfortably fitting clothes to wear to such an occasion. (My weight fluctuates heavily.) Or money to buy comfortably fitting clothes. Or the capability to have a simple routinous job, without having a mental breakdown. Meoow I’m trapped in bed 🙁 . 

I’ve been thinking of writing a new episode for the Nosce Te Ipsum series. The problem is that, even though I’m very passionate about them, no one buys them, so I’m not that motivated to publish them. I expected to have a greater budget, after sales from the first episode, but that’s not possible without sales… I can’t make it look the way I want it to look – using more than one form of publishing, and much better imagery and styling – so I can’t publish it with pride. Not yet…

Meanwhile my relatives are bathing in money.  I need to meet someone new, who believes in what I do and enjoys it. And helps me leave the snake pitty life I’ve been trapped in. The way my publishing company looks, is fucking embarrassing. I wrote that marketing text on it, with a face palm. 

But by means of entertaining myself, I could start writing. Instead of Nosce Te Ipsum, it could be the first Volta, I’ll write. For the book Volta, it is very important that it includes the shift from going from unhappy with life to happy with life, and having included every step of the way. I think the situation I’m currently in, makes a good starting point. 

It’s too bad that I don’t have the funds to market it on “big media”, such as business magazines, or Discovery channel or something… I think that, in the end, those who would actually enjoy it, are, like me, so focused on their own paths, that they most likely won’t come across an ad of mine, even if it were published there.  I want to be fully independent in this anyway. 

But Volta, will include all about how I really reason and feel, without resorting to time-related statements [as in yesterday, for example, all I mentioned was food related, because it’s part of my day, but what goes on in my mind while I cook, I can’t mention while cooking], or in-dept explanations of anything that relates to my research. I might go for a quick run, before starting to write, because all of this being inside drives ne crazy… [I’m in “my room”, with the blinds closed, so this will be my first time looking outside today.] Nopeeee the layer of snow outside is far too thick, I see. I like being outside in the snow, though. But what am I going to do here, where there are no real parks nearby, and I don’t have any like-minded people near me, I know of, in terms of them really reasoning the way I do… “You’re different, Dominique,” is always the conclusion of every conversation I have. But where are all of the different people at…?

I hope you, my Graeyniss, will love my new book. I hope you’ll read the preview and love it. And then buy it… And then the next part, about my new life, can be published with one of the cool designs for a hardcover, I have in mind. I hope to finish the first part before the 30th. And I hope positive news from the University will fit in this book – causing my Volta (starting with being noticed) – smoothly 🙂 . 

I’ll be writing xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Monday, January 21, 2019

16:35 (04:35 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I’m walking home from buying groceries for dinner. I’ll start cooking right away: yellow rice and some grilled veggies. 

Haha meoow the awkward part about hyping a day for a shift that would make me happy, is that I depend on people I have not spent much time with. (That’s extra exciting 😀  ) But meoow it’s never guaranteed. On the contrary… 

I’m cookinggg 

I started this post before 5, but meanwhile it’s 17:58

Aanddd I’m doneee

Time to eatt xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Sunday, January 20, 2019

03:23 (AM) 

I just completely finished the D.O.C.I.S. International website, wrote this article and submitted my application for the double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics at the Erasmus University. Meoow I’m exhaustedddd x_x. 

That frustration from yesterday, about me leaving – I’m so tired of the disrespect – came off more harsh than I meant it.  I will not just leave. I still love them, but I need to do what is the right thing for my heart. If I am rich by then, I will give them money for ever having given money to me (cash or transferred), and then leave. And take those with me who have real potential of being a publicist. (I can’t tell if there’s anyone hiding a publicist personality the way I do, but if that’s so, then he/she is very welcome…)

Meowss I’m going to sleep. Today, I’ll go to the spa in Egmond, with my mother. My Wirbelsaüle and I are looking forward to it 🙂 . 

Good night

I love you

xxx

14:10 (02:10 PM) 

Haha Egmond is in the name of the “thermen” I’m going to, but it’s in Haalem.  [If you’re just tuning in: me sharing my location every time and not being assassinated, is me making an indirect privacy statement.] I didn’t know because I was too busy focusing on my admission. 

Why I was rushing to finish my admission on the weekend, while the deadline is in April? Because there is always Monday, and The Head Cuddle [is how I call my brain-to-brain communication] never sleeps, and I am bored to death, so I like to keep a high pace on the process of saving myself. 

There are many more things I want to say, but phones are not allowed and I will be busy swimming naked. Yay freedom 😀 . 

Our Planet Fang Forum will most certainly include thermen where Graeynissis can gather after their business activities, for some relaxation and good conversation. Naked 😀 . 

~~~

20:44 (08:44 PM) 

Meoww I’ve been back at the family friends I’m living at for a while. The spa was nice. I must say that I expected to have more space to swim and would be less bothered by people talking, since it’s a place for relaxation. But for some, that still doesn’t mean excluding the long conversations about nothing. It was crampedd. But it was my first time in a steam bath and I absolutely loved ittt! I wish I could walk and lay around naked in a climate like that all day 😻. 

When it comes to my relationship with my mother, it’s just too bad she and my father dragged me through that traumatic experience and I continuously keep getting flashbacks from that, linking the words I hear now to the words that were said then. It makes it very hard for me to open up. And my enthusiasm about doing research leads to a “Please change the topic.” That everything has become so distant, makes me feel a hurting form of sadness. It leads me to a two-way decision: more distance, or somehow solving it. When it comes to my future, what is more fruitful? “Doubts…”

Anyway… Haha the thought of all of these Graeynissis reading my niss makes me nervous… I don’t live a regular exemplary life. I do think that I’m showing an example of new creativity. But meoww the rest is a mess… I need help x_x. Please just save me on Monday? 🙁 

What I don’t need help with, is cooking. After coming back, I steamed salmon (with thyme, a slice of lemon and butter on top, in the pan) and mashed parsnip and plantain together to one smooth mess, with a fork. It was tasty 🙂 . But I want my diet to be more healthy… More veggies, less animals…

Mid-cooking

Meowniss 😀

What saving me would look like…? It’s anything that gets me closer to the acknowledgement of my intelligence, to (financial) independence and to new – real – friendships… The most convenient were if you were to show up at my doorstep [I’m just using that standard phrase… I don’t have a house. I’m staying with family friends of the family. In Capelle, there’s the possession of my possessive father, where he can kick me out at any second, which is what would happen again if I were there now, because I’m not applying for jobs…] and cuddle me and tell others what’s up, because when it comes from me, it’s seen as schizophrenia. Please be my Cuddle ♥.

All we have to do is take my belongings here and go to Capelle for my grandfather’s books [you will love them, too! 🙂 ] and then I will comfortably install myself in your house 🙂 . Hahahahahaha you will have adopted a wild catje 😸. It’s for Project Nosce Te Ipsum! What we do from there on out… Well, that depends on what the world of Graeynissis needs. I can solve a lot of things, without trippy expertise from books 🙂 . I would love to get that trippy expertise, too! But from an informative book without questions in it, please… I just want to write about what I’ve read and not distract myself with fictive situations in questions… It would make the content of my blog a lot more fun. It would be even more fun – waaaaay more fun – if we would film us 😏😏😏. Talking about sexy bookssss… Your my sexy book, meowww. Finally, a book I can read in a steam bath! Hahahahahaha 😂.

Let’s cuddle? 🙁 This weather sucks when you’re solo

When we’re together, those factors don’t matter, because I will be all over you 😀 . With all of my many questions about being a Graeyniss 😀 . 

Haha about that What not to include post…. I wanted to write a part that would sound like stand-up comedy, but I don’t know if that’s going too far for a “first impression”. (All of it is…? Or maybe me saying that, is just letting those curses of other people get to me. I consider that “Yeah good job, we’ll see how it turns out,” type of shit statements, curses.)

So I guess I’ll continue what I wanted to say here…? My stand-up haha… Another forever draft… That’s definitely what you shouldn’t include in a motivation letter! Haha yes :D. [I’m still typing the rest right now. You’ll see it when you refresh in about 45 minutes…] Here it goes:

Good evening, my Cuddles. 

I wanted to start this with something interactive. But you know what they say: picture your audience naked. So in my mind, you’re sitting there… All oiled up… The all I can think of is…. Oefff hahahaa *takes off suit jacket and is only wearing dress now*. I hope I’ll be able to keep my focus… [*fucking nervous laughter from audience* HAHAHAHAHA] 

You know, when I was in high school, and I had to repeat a year, most of the people I used to hang out with, were already here, in this university.  [haha insert imaginative scenery 😀 ] When we talked about our lives, often I mentioned how much I hated the dull routines of high school so much that if it weren’t for the “freedom in study” at the university, I would have dropped out. (But then I would have no future, and I am out for success…)

Every time, the introduction, where a hint is given of what is to come, and very simple concepts are introduced. In this phase I only listen in class, and don’t make any homework. Then the pace becomes higher, and the first midterms – multiple subjects all at once – are coming up, so I start to make my own study schedule, which has a higher pace, and I solely study the book’s text and make practice exams. And then, depending on how interesting I find the subject, and depending on how much authority the household distracts me with, my grades are somewhere in between a 4 and a 7. While, if I would have the ability to conform to this mental slavery, and I would do my homework every day, I would only get 10’s, without a single doubt. 

Those whom I considered my friends, then all told me all about how amazing the university is, in full detail. About much freedom you get when you’re a university student. That is the same as saying “Woaah I love speeding. This new road there near *name whatever location* is amazing!” to someone who has just lost his/her car in a traumatic car accident. 

But it’s just high school in a larger construction, with the hottest league of educators… That freedom they described, is that there are less classes to follow. I still need to listen to people discuss homework questions I did not even look at…. All I do is listen in lectures, but meow sometimes it just seems like all sound is muted and that sexy meow is dancing for me on stage… 

That is definitely something that should never be mentioned in a motivation letter! But there is something I should have included, and I could turn it into the most typical human joke in the history of comedy. Here it goes:

I do not want to discuss the philosophy of people in books. I want to discuss my own philosophy. I want people to appreciate me for the ideas I have and have them cite me, for generations long. I don’t understand why people today idolize the people – often dead – whose creations and findings are long obsolete. Unless they’re your ideas *insert whatever name*, you old fuck. 

What’s with the internet these days? I thought people had learnt from past internet bubbles. Today, the whole internet is a bubble, and the whole world will collapse when it bursts. Haha I know you all can’t wait for that day Dutch pension funds say: “Surprise, you will all be paid in Bitcoins!!!” And the fifth generation’s children start their families in the garage, because the Netherlands will be built full, so there is no other space for them to live, but they don’t care, because they can watch The Incredibles part 16 all day!!!! 

People keep settling for smaller and simpler routines. They want that. They don’t even want to spend time actively doing things. It must all go fast, so that they can get behind their screens fast. All of these packages in the supermarket have time indications on it, with time related slogans next to them. Why the haste? To get back behind that screen? [*laughter out of going crazy with annoyance*] 

On Planet Fang, no machine or chemical substance will touch my food! I do not mind plucking some tomatoes for that, a few hours per week. If we all do that, we don’t need to hire people to do that and we don’t even need machines! The supermarket will be the field where everything grows. That is not a joke! Hahaha 😀 .

If we all mentally chip in, we can easily get to Planet Fang and live a dream. All you have to do, is accept the personal gift I have for you on this table [it’s a watch with a tracking device – because you’re mine haha meoowww you’re not going anywhere * looks at you crazy * (just kidding HAHAHAHAHA), a personal gift that relates to your expertise, and a paper with your assignment(s) for the creation of Planet Fang]. 

My name is Lil Fangs. You are sexy. Please accept me as your personal goddess and ruler of the Earth. You have been a great audience. I love you. Good night! 

*applause*

Haha I’m really going to sleep because my head hurts from pushing myself beyond my sleep, haha… 

I love you 😀 

– xxx –

Blog, Drafts, Popular Posts, Reflections

What Not to Include in a Motivation Letter

Everything I do is very controversial. Choosing this header image of an old picture on which I do not smile, for example, could easily be misunderstood. This time, that is by means of “showing what not to do”. It is even more because I am so tired of all of those “rules” we need to follow to not be judged negatively (online). Line spacing, what to not show on the background of a picture, simplifications, consistent grammar formats…. I’m breaking a lot of those rules, because I’m tired of them. There are so many of those them, that there is almost no room for real creativity anymore.

It is one of the reasons why I have no other option but to go back to the university – FAST(!!!!) – and attempt to be alternatively educated. By alternatively educated, I mean being allowed to show my understanding of  the course material, by (creatively) writing essays and other forms of prose [unless you prefer poems 🙂 ], instead of doing the dreadful homework questions and discussing homework questions during a class [a booklet with explained answers is much easier for me 🙁 ]. While writing my motivation letter, I thought of so many truths of mine, which I wanted to mention, but they do not fit into the “I need to come off as a brave student, who will get very high grades and not ask too much of your attention”-scope that would make me admissible. What I truly want – freedom in education and some Graeynissis to work with and befriend – does not even fit that scope. So I decided to “break the rules” (especially that of the maximum of 400 words) and turn it into a “alternative education meets business”-proposal.

What not to include in that motivation letter, is, according to the rules, everything I have written in mine. That does not have to instantly mean that I will be rejected… I still have to submit it! As I am writing this, I still need to proofread it for the last time. (It’s now 00:36 (12:36 AM) on the 20th of January, but I saved this draft earlier than that, so the publication date is the 19th.) When I’m done, I’ll show it to you, in this same article :).

By means of understanding my format: the assignment for the motivation letter was to, in 400 words or less, tell something about your social methods to integrate in an international environment, give three reasons why to study that exact program in that exact city and mention something about your goals after the course. I start with my goals, because that is my most important reason to want to study that program, and it was an easier way to start about my business and how I could blend that in with my study.

It’s now 02:58 (AM) and I have fully submitted my application… (Sometimes I just wish that I was a simple student with high grades. That gives a lot more certainty in life.) When I hear any news about it, you will be the first to know! (By keeping up with my diary from here.)

Here is my motivation letter (of 2561 words…) [this version is without indents]:

A Truly One-of-a-Kind Incentive

If there is one thing that life has taught me the hard way, in the past two years of my existence, it is that achieving my future goals, which will make me a happy and successful person, who will then not have tachycardia anymore, is impossible, without at least a bachelor’s degree from a good, internationally oriented university.

Within ten years from now, my alternative sole proprietorship in publishing, should be an internationally acknowledged multinational source of (new) knowledge and wisdom. The brand of D.O.C.I.S. International should deliver an acceptable balance between (independent) research and entertainment (both challenging and approachable). Many ideas of mine, for research (most of it relates to developing a more eco-friendly economic system), I also intend to put into practice, within that same span of time.

Plenty of reasons have encouraged me to apply for the double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics at the only internationally acknowledged university in Rotterdam.

Firstly, the Erasmus School of Economics is very well-ranked, so this is most certainly a step in the right direction, when it comes to achieving my acknowledgement and goals. If I do not become successful in doing business, I now know with beyond full certainty, that my future lies in the world of academics. (This is what I realized, after having experienced the “traditional” minimum wage 40-hours-work-week, while being a student at The Open University. To me, being happy is impossible without a real challenge that includes diversity, and only around ambitious great thinkers, I can truly be myself. Only at the university, I might be able to find some of those people, I have noticed.)

Secondly, it is a strong desire of mine, to be able to make my own mathematical models. And it is my wish to learn all about Behavioral Economics (and Evolutionary Economics… and “international government” related finance), for many of my research ideas.

Finally, I want to finish what I started, back in 2016, but want to aim higher than I did before. I want to greatly distinguish myself. My original intention was to do this by becoming successful with the PR business I funded, right when the first year of the International Bachelor in Economics and Business Economics started. Due to the effort my sole proprietorship required from me, as well as some personal circumstances, the lack of time to study was so severe that my results at the University did not resemble my competence, so that led to the decision of me ending my short life as a full-time student. The decision was based on what could make me successful quicker, due to the limited time to calmly focus available, and my impatience for success and (financial) independency.

Now, the greatness of my endeavor is one of the factors that has led to me being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and those who once said that they care about me, turning their backs against me, altogether at once. With the diagnosis, I do not and never will agree. I believe in what I stand for and no shrink or deadly cocktail of antipsychotics will ever be able to change that. What should change is that the “You say you want to do all of these great things, but you couldn’t even finish your first year at the Erasmus University [so just get a job and a small apartment]”-argument still exists today. No one understands my decision – not obligation – to end my studies. But maybe after graduating cum laude and proving that accomplishing my goals really is possible, by showing my strategies in practice, that argument will not be valid anymore and – maybe after also having obtained something in Law and clarifying my unsolved and suppressed case in official terms – that awful diagnosis could be taken out of my files, and hopefully something against the horrifying inhumanity of the psychiatric system could be put in motion. Then earning enough to distance myself from those who have hurt me, might be possible, too.

(I would also like to finish the (concept of the) research project, Dr. Crutzen and I spoke of, after I had quit my studies, which included ideas for an extensive PR campaign, for which I now have a set of much better suggestions. But talking about that out loud [the only reason why I did that, was because I was forced to] was the main factor that made me end up with that absurd diagnosis (“because professors do not talk to drop-outs” (and brain-to-brain communication cannot exist…)), which is why I write this in between brackets, with much hesitance, and I have not been able to reach him in the physical realm ever since, and I am still stuck with so many questions, ever since I ran away from home because of the endless psychiatric surveillance against my will and my parents got us hunted by police [an awful move that damaged the reputation of me [it made me unsubscribe my PR business L], him and (indirectly) the university [I do not know what exact news went viral. All I know is some vague story people told me months later], which should never have happened, because the drama was solely between me and my parents, who forbade me to do business with him at the very beginning, for no legitimate reason!], which makes me feel sad, lonely and unsafe constantly, which contributes to my tachycardia. I do not understand why he does not respond to my e-mails anymore… I guess our contact would make more sense if I were a student and/or his research apprentice, and my intelligence were acknowledged. (He does not lecture the double bachelor program, but I find that I should aim higher than I did last time, when it comes to education, and do this for myself, even though…))

International environments in the city where I grew up in, are my specialty! I know a lot about the history of the city and I know all about fun locations to visit (even outside Rotterdam), so for the basics of being new in a city, I make up a very good and comfortable guide. This is what I noticed at the Eureka Week in 2016, where I easily made friends (even with people who studied completely different programs (including a master student in finance)).

Other proofs of my ability to smoothly function in an environment with people from very different backgrounds, are that when I was a student at The Open University, last year, I have spent a lot of time travelling the world (by myself), and everywhere I went, I easily met new people; my business aspirations are very international, so my eyes are always open, seeking for (useful) international contacts; and being of the third generation of my family here in the Netherlands, as well as having attended a multicultural gymnasium (school) in the city center of Rotterdam, I know all about being foreign in a foreign country (even though I was born here and Surinam is a former Dutch colony, I am often still considered foreign) and being around foreign people.

What, to me, is even more interesting than bonding with bachelor students, is bonding with anyone else up the academic ladder. The higher, the better. They are part of my target audience (and probably one of the few people, able to actually understand what I say). A better way to combine my learning process with my business aspirations, while making the content of my personal blog (LilFangs.com) – updated daily – a lot more fun, would, for example, be by writing essays about the contents of the course subjects, while getting to know all about my target audience and their aspirations. (Are you looking for a publisher who wants to go the extra mile for you? 🙂 )

There are so many ideas I have for a thesis, that that is the only part that truly excites me about studying until I am old and grey, living after my aspirations for a career in research. It would be amazing if I were allowed to write a (set of) book(s) of essays [including examples of calculations and plots from my personal life. From Edgeworth boxes, to financial statements, to… concepts that will be completely new to me], as proof that I have the knowledge that will suit my future title(s), followed by my dream thesis, within a period of shorter than four years, because without that acknowledgement, it is not possible for my business to thrive, and I currently do not even have a place to call home. I would like to be able to call myself successful before I am 25, and I wish to be able to afford to live in a climate that is less cold and ecologically dangerous.

The past two years of my life, let me realize that nowhere else in life, there is a comfortable environment where I can truly be myself and receive the right support, on my very unconventional path. Only a university can be my safe haven. With the alternative path of education, proposed in this (alternative) motivation letter, it could be made possible for me to learn more independently, develop my creativity further and continue to actively chase my dreams. The scope of my goals touches on so many fields that, truthfully, with my essays, I would love to cover every subject the University offers (and more…).

One particular research interest of mine, lies in the city where the university is located at. It relates to eustasy (speaking of ecologically dangerous) and evacuation – not necessarily something for Economics and Econometrics, but it is a very heavyweight aspect of “my “identity”” [or just being born in the wrong country… If you are Dutch and reading this… The concept of identity lies beyond location, I believe, so if this country floods and we will live elsewhere, only that heroic and historic journey defines your identity…]. The information I need about this – for future survival and peace of mind – is not easy to find as written text, because all of the public becoming aware of it (again) could lead to chaos. It lives forward in individuals, who are hard to find, but I hope to be able to find some of them at the Erasmus University.

Something I have been dreaming about, is doing this “research meets business meets entertainment meets actively changing the world”-project I have been having in mind for a very long time. To start to define it here would turn this motivation letter into a book, and to receive a “no” for it after all of that effort and thinking about it, would break my heart, so for now I am keeping it to myself, by means of limiting my potential heartache. (But it is all over my blog, so you can read all about it, if you are interested. (I really hope you are!))

What I would love to know even more than if I am considered the right student for a double bachelor in Economics and Econometrics, is if the University is open to giving me permission to follow the alternative route, proposed in this motivation letter? If that is so, I would love to meet in person, with those who are willing to accept me as his/her apprentice, to discuss the details of it.

Excuse my exceeding of the maximum amount of words! And the overly frequent use of brackets… This happened because I had to emphasize the true incomparable uniqueness of my case and its many reasons why, the slight powerlessness my personal situation brings, as well as that I truthfully do not want to go back to the high-school-like routine with (mandatory) classes and homework and uninterested students, having no clue what they want in life, while I am so much further and getting a grade for answering fixed questions, while the knowledge is so much more fun in practice, and then comparing myself to others, and then keeping that up post post-doc level…

There are no guidelines for the type of request that I have sent you, because it seems like no one else has done this before (either). But enrolling as a student, seems the only way to start a conversation about this. I just want to [(for example) obtain as much as a “simple” letter of recommendation for my ability to] do (independent) research and I am very certain that only I am the perfect apprentice for that. The double bachelor starts in September, but I prefer to start tomorrow…

Apprentices are extremely old-school… That will be indirect (neo-)neo-neoclassicism! Accepting me as one will make not only me stand out. It will be great for the University as well. (We could make 2017’s bad publicity undone…) Especially for everyone involved in this unique process, because ultimately, we will be writing the future’s history. This step is so one-of-a-kind, and its merit will literally change the world, because that is my [may I say “our”?] endeavor!

If I am admitted to the Erasmus University (again), I will quit my studies at The Open University, where I am currently still registered, without having enrolled in any modules (because I cannot afford any).

If learning directly from the master – for my questions are too specific and can be answered by no one else – is not an option, then please forget that I ever proposed that and please forget my thoughts about the student-life. This is a literal do or die, to me, so if my early shot at official research is off the table, I will bravely fold myself in my desk chair [but first I will have to magically get the money and space to buy a proper chair and a reasonable desk (and clothing that will make me feel confident and look representative) hahaha please helppp… my basic needs… (The household’s income is too high to apply for a scholarship, but I am in debt, with zero real support, and that will get worse, with that tuition fee (loan)…)] and force myself to memorize every single thing, and answer every single homework question, like my life depends on it. Because it literally does. My self-constructed house on my independent island, far away from this barbarian world, is not going to fund and govern itself…

Thank you so much for reading my motivation letter. I hope my publishing company will be of great service to you, in the (near) future. Because I want (alternative) research publishing to be one of my specialties, success is not possible without the support of a good university.

For further correspondence: my business e-mail address d.elia@docis.international is currently the mailbox with the least incoming e-mails [long story…], and I do not want to risk missing out on any messages sent by you. (This was also what I was trying to change my e-mail address to in Studielink, but only my former account credentials are accepted. Probably because this all goes via my old student number, with the e-mail address I used at that time…) My mobile phone number is +31618579724, in case anyone is interested in phoning (or texting) me. There are so many things I want to explain and mention, still! That is why this article continues, where this letter stops [this is a link]. I look forward to a time with only positive memories and fruitful (new) knowledge 🙂 .

~~~

It includes a lot of personal drama – consciously emphasized with the and … and … and [it is a lot and it is not elaborated on] – which I have mentioned, because this burden is ruining my life and nonsense like this has been affecting my study focus all my life. Including it feels like such a major “breaking the rules” (negatively), but I can’t help that I am in this situation 🙁 . A full-time occupation at the University, accompanied by sweet Graeynissis, would solve all of that at once, for all eternity. There is nothing else I want in life. (Yeah besides emigrating to some place sunny and ecologically safe, together with my Graeynissis… And the tangibles of that Thesis…)

Blog, Online Diary

Saturday, January 19, 2019

04:50 (AM) 

I’m just here to tell you that I love you and am going to sleep now. (This is something I feel I always have to do before going to bed.) Oh and all pages of the D.O.C.I.S. International website, except the one about becoming a partner and/or publicist, are done now! (And I have my old student account semi-back…)

I love you

Good night 

xxx

14:20 (02:20 PM)

That article was postponed, because web maintenance, doing Studielink things and editing my letter cost more time than expected. 

Here’s a picture of yesterday’s dinner I luckily received some assistance (otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get that far with my businrss website):

It was tasty 🙂

No one understands why I stay the fuck away from people, as much as I can. And they try to “help me” “get out there” and go to public places. I wish to just not fucking hear that anymore, because I’m too polite to say that I fucking hate that, because that is all they (can) do themselves. I have a goal in life, I’m trying to accomplish, and I wish to not be distracted in that process. And no I do not have to talk to random people who live empty routines, to succeed in that. 

I also don’t consider myself human “and I don’t make mistakes”. I strive for perfection and do not understand why people keep fucking using that phrase. 

Excuse this rage that comes from not just having a place where I can live without having to interact with other people. It’s not that I never want to do that again [but may I choose with whom…]. It’s just fucking frustrating that I can never take a break and just have some space to breathe and fucking focus.  I hope anyone at the university will understand this and maybe help me, before I kill myself 🙁 .

So I’ll now shower and wash my hair. Then I’ll finish that “become a part of D.O.C.I.S. International” (I’ll change it to “become a publicist”) page. Then I can finally finish my motivation letter 🙂 . I hope my B just anticipates on this as fast as he can, because this whole thing with the unwanted tension at home and being allowed to stay here is nice, but it’s far too unnatural and I want to live a fucking normal life. And have fucking normal money. 

I will not last waiting for six weeks and then hearing that I’ll somehow just have to exist until September, to still be stuck around a majority of people who have no goal in life the way I do. Meoow the amount of cropped up anger and frustration…. I just want to hear someone relate to this and show some appreciation for what I do.

Everyone who works and studies full time, who sometimes ask me questions about what I do, to then fucking bash it and act all superior and shit, because I’m not earning and they think I’m dumb because I don’t have a degree, say shit like: “You are tired? No, I am tired. You are at home all day.” And then I want to say: “Yeah but you don’t use your fucking brain with that routine of yours.” But I choose to be silent, because outing that part of my philosophy can change our “relationship” forever and I have no place to resort to when I can just fully distance myself of all of this bullshit. 

There are visitors, so working at the only table downstairs, basically isn’t an option. That’s the true cause of my current frustration. I might work on it in bed – where I am right now – but that will fuck up mt spinal column even more. 

These people say “encouraging” words, but from their choice of words and complete attitude, it is clear that they truthfully do not want to see me thrive. [So why not just shut the fuck up?] I don’t dare to say: “The university will see my work and I will be the fuck out of here and you wil all never see me again, all within a fucking week. (Or maybe even the same day.)” Because it might not be so and those people will enjoy that far too much. But it’s my “far-fetched” [but look at this… No one can do this the way I do this…] only hope. 

Ah meoow I’m going to untie my very unwashed twists, shower and enter chaos of noise, to do bad things to my cholesterol. And of course: no days off 🙂  xxxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Friday, January 18, 2019

05:52 (AM) 

Meoww I just had to finish that motivation letter, is what I told myself today/yesterday. And I decided that the completeness of my message is far more important than the maximum amount of words. So what had to be 400 words, became 2169 words. I assume that it is clear that rejecting someone who exceeds the maximum number of words with more than 500%, is the same as killing that person – because where else in life can that person go, than a well-ranked, internationally oriented university…?

I hope the proposal within my motivation will be accepted. I still need to scan my passport, but for that I need to enter Jam’s room – because the scanner/printer is there – and I don’t want to wake him up, so I’m waiting with that and allowing myself some sleep. I’ll also be cooking dinner today, as well as washing my hair and finishing my business website. And sumbitting my admission, of course. All while hoping my heart doesn’t give out from my stress and impatience 🙂 . I want to go on a holiday…. Oh shit, that reminds me that I still need to add my contact information and the “I have nothing to do until September, so the sooner I start, the better”-part… Haha meoow 2300 words here I comee x_x. After resting! 

Good… Morning? 

The funniest part about this ecosystem is the early bird moans (singing is very different man hahahaha), which start when it’s pitch black outside at 05:30 in the AM sharp. Like an alarm clock and not natural birds. 

I love you 😀 

xxx – 

13:37 (01:37 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

Meoww I woke up not so long ago and am still in bed. I’m as tired as that one man who played Forrest Gump, but then in that movie where he was on a deserted island for weeks and made a friend who was a ball on a stick hahahahahaha… Mister… I don’t remember the name of the “friend” and the movie ahahaa… It wasn’t Forrest Gump, if my choice of words didn’t make that clear…

When I wake up, I often go back to sleep again. When I then wake up again, I take my phone out of airplane mode and go over my incoming messages – if they don’t stress me out, I answer them right away – and answer ASKfm questions I’ve received. That’s how long I hold my morning urine every time, because I never want to leave my warm bed, but… Okay be right back… xxx

~~~

14:14 (02:14 PM) 

But it’s important to not hold it in for too long and especially to not break down all of my “morning thoughts” before having gone, because I want to have a properly functioning bladder when I’m old and grey… 🙂

Meoww two other things I wanted to share before I make breakfast, shower and buy groceries – I’ll be making self-made KFC and soft cooked pumpkin with rice – are… 

Meoow in the group chat with my former colleagues, I read that ANWB Vicje has been sending people sexy cards and that I haven’t received one at home 😿 (when I asked my mother if I did, going through my morning texts). It said “Thinking about you,” I read. That’s also what I said in that crazy email I sent him a while back! (Cool and interesting move!) They called it creepy. Meoow fuck themmm [(sustainably) automate everything!!! Save the planet hahaha] I would more than absolutely love it and feel as sexy as a wild cuddly cat around single middle aged women. I think about you far too often to not receive anything 😿. My employee statistics were far too good to not have received anything 😿. I hope it’s because orders have been followed incorrectly 😿. It must be meant for me 🙁 . I want this Graeyniss meowww… 

Yeah people who watch SBS6 all day will whine when you change it, my Vicje, but who will give a fuck when the costs to run the entire business will drop with 1000%. And then the place will flood because people pollute the Earth on such a high speed, they don’t have a clue what the fuck they are doing and keep buying fucking bitcoins, and no satellite gazing geographer can predict the future eustasy,  but we will be on Planet Fang drinking the best cocktails out of a fucking coconut! Yay to the future :D. 

Hmmm what was the second thing… I don’t even remember, because I’m still thinking of this sexy meow walking through that big building without me and I don’t want that last time when I was sick, and nervous because I find him crazy sexy [a hitlerjugend haircut would make his Graeyniss beyond absolutely irresistible to everyone… And please relax your shoulders, because that makes me want to massage you all of the time, but I can’ttttttt because you have this godly status and I don’tttttttt (plus I’m female)], to be the last time I’ve ever seen him… I somehow want to involve him in my project as well, if the University is open to allowing me to do it. “University doing sustainability project with non-schizophrenic student with business” seems like a legitimate reason to do things you usually don’t do 🙂 . I need sweet wild business knowledge Graeynissis for this, too! 😀

Yeah the second thing is that I will be pushing myself beyond my limits today, because I feel like sleeping all day, but I will do every single thing on my list… That means that I’ll go grocery shopping without showering, because the process of washing and drying my afro and wig costs hours and then I still need to twist it, so I’ll do that… Tomorrow, when I’m hopefully done with everything. At first, I wanted to say that I’ll shower, washing my hair, after coming back, but then I won’t get to cooking and finishing my website and proofreading my motivation letter and doing all that Studielink shit… 

I’ll just take a shower after eating “breakfast” (still haven’t eaten anything, because truthfully, I’m in the mood for foods that aren’t even accessible in the Nethetlands…). Et cetera. The next update you’ll see will be that what not to include article I’ll refer to in that motivation letter. You’ll also see my motivation letter in that same What not to include post HAHA xxxxx

~~~

Blog, Reflections

The Reform’s Reform

The success of a(n online) fundraiser was a method for quickly facilitating the safety related reform, which is very much needed (not only because of eustasy) and not openly discussed enough. [Faaaaaaar from enough!]

However, quickly after setting it up, I took it down again. Here are my reasons for it:

  • From my heavily fluctuating “bounce rate”, I see that most people who read on this website read for the sake of reading and not for the sake of interaction and/or engagement. I don’t like hyping something on here, without any participation. That’s like organizing a big party, without anyone showing up…
  • With the budget and limited amount of time, it can’t be guaranteed that everyone who chips in, can be guaranteed access to my solutions. Also, I value the conservation of quality and don’t want to simplify my content.
  • If my solutions will really be put into practice, I think the (financial) preparation thereof should be done in person, instead of online. I prefer a real-life fundraiser. Not only because it looks way cooler in the history books… It’s also way more fun! 🙂 ♥

So – especially now that I’m giving in to my lack of success forcing me to become a full-time (well-ranked university) student again – my strategy has now changed to outing my strategy as a publisher, while I don’t have any publicists other than myself yet. I wanted to wait with broadcasting that, until having found the right people to publish for (more than one…). But the way my life currently is, indirectly leaves me no other option than to “enter full publisher’s mode” already.

The most important and uncertain aspect of my endeavor – it is and always has been – is finding useful and ambitious contacts, who truly believe in my endeavor, in such a way that they’re willing to sacrifice some (time and/or money, like I do) for it. I’ve experienced far too many people saying that they stand behind what I do, who truthfully are just a bunch of opportunists, who are waiting to lift along on my success, the way vultures wait for the abandonment of a lifeless body.

I hope going back to a traditional university, will work in my advantage. By that, I mean that I hope it will get me in touch with people from “the top of the ladder”. Of the student life – the routine and superficiality – I’m not at all a fan, but it seems inevitable. Unless I’m allowed to become a (or the) researcher’s apprentice (of a couple of researchers) and write some “theses”, in exchange for a letter of recommendation or something… [Or the title of Illuminatus Intelligens .]

I care about my endeavor far more than I care about paying off my debts, guaranteeing myself of a monthly income and giving myself a reason to go outside every day. But with the right people, that could easily go hand-in-hand, and that would make me the happiest person alive. It might also cure my tachycardia (and aortic insufficiency¿) !

Blog, Images, Nosce Te Ipsum, Online Diary, Recipes, Reflections

Thursday, January 17, 2019

00:21 (12:21 AM) 

The new home page of the D.O.C.I.S. International website is done 😀 . Besides the “this website is being edited”, which I’ll take away when I’m done with all pages. 

I love that I’m finally outing my publisher’s approach! The reason why I kept waiting – and actually sort of still should be waiting – was because I wanted to have more than one publicist [now it’s only me ahahahah], before I transformed my site to that format. With those almost (to be) empty publicists [because saying “propagandist” is too controversial (apparently mainstream people will think that you’re evil when you use this term… I guess the annoyance from that stupidity secretly also made me very…), but when it comes to the diversity of our content, it feels like that word covers the load a lot better] and publications pages, I worry about coming off as a lot less than I can be. But at least now it’s very openly clear that I intend to publish for not only myself. And that I’m attempting to build an empire.

The reason why I’m doing it now, is because I might find suitable publicists at the university 🙂 . I won’t publish a “51 shades of grey” [that’s a joke for a new book’s title… That’s how I find how creativity looks these days… With my unique approach, I hope to raise the bar…] or anything else in that meaningless category of entertainment. You can go to any other publisher in the world for that. Knowledge and wisdom – wisdom being my specialty [because to me, wisdom > knowledge and I detest citing other people’s findings/philosophy] – are the fundaments of D.O.C.I.S. International as an exclusive brand. 

I say “at the university”, because that abstract use of words don’t show that when it comes to finding the right people, there’s so much uncertainty. Also, from many experiences, I’m quite certain that I should not target students for this. Not only because many of them are actually not independent thinkers (it sometimes just seems like that, because they memorize other people’s content in such a way that they start to consider it part of their identity (and then there are superficial people who are worse)). Also because for the size of the endeavor behind my business, I need people who truly know how life works, or at least I need them to know what their purpose in life is (because I need to know what would make them happy after the shift). 

But real Graeynissis are so hard to reach 🙁 . I hope being a student will work in my advantage. I hope I’ll even be allowed to just have a personal list of Graeynissis to approach for my thesis [just give me a letter of recommendation or something… I won’t survive the student experience until post-doc level…], who would also like to become my publicists, and skip out on all of the student mental slavery nonsense (kan jij niets aan doen…). We could even make a short series of videos about how we’ll establish everything 🙂 . Meooow! 😻

Here are some pictures I’d like to share:

In my diary post of two days ago, I mentioned that I was going to make soup. I made this picture to insert it in the article, but I never did. I used okra, plantain, some yam, celery, unions and a tomato. 

Today, I made these shrimp. I let them rest overnight, in a marinade of ketjap manis and thyme. The next day (today), I added garlic (because I had to buy it, but the best would be to let them chill in that, too). I used griesmeel and paneer (“breadcrumbs” (but they’re in a carton package…)) instead of flour and paneer, because there wasn’t any and it’s a waste of buying it, if it will never be used for anything else [but now I’m in the mood for pancakes… I’m still broke as fuck, though……..]

They were veryyy tastyy

My “natural” approach to attempting to cure a sore throat… It’s going a bit better already 🙂 . But swallowing still hurts a lot… Talking luckily doesn’t (that much) anymore 🙂

Something really random that happend today, was that I got a call from some telemarketeer who wanted get me in touch with this agency of brokers. [That stupid KvK registration of mine gets me phone calls like that.]  And me expressing my “I don’t feel comfortable with gambling. It might be a hype now, but I don’t believe that we’ll go on like this forever. The value is fictive,” didn’t make her say: “Okay. Bye.” “Arguments” for were: “But with these expert brokers, you can make great profits!” “How would you find it if in future, we would all be trading instead of working?” Of course, every sheep would say: “Yay! Infinite money and infinite watching movies!” I said: “I would kill myself.” 

She was trying to get me to click a link she mailed me and sign up for something. For some reason, I really just can’t hang up in someone else’s ear. Even not when even my fucking heart (rate) wants it. I ended up obeying her orders and I was transferred to one of her experts – whose name is very cool 🙂 – who was trying to get me to buy Amazon shares. Because they’re expecting great appreciation in the market for them. (I believe that in the end, it’s the influence of the media, indirectly incentivizing people to anticipate on the prediction, which causes the actual appreciation.)

[To me, mathematics > statistics…] I found his phone lecture on analysis of those “market volatility boxplots” [is how I’ll summarize it, because I suck at memorizing jargon] very interesting. At some point, I said that I would like to try it with ten euros. At the beginning of the conversation, he told me to download AnyDesk – a “controlling your desktop from a distance” application. After some hesitation – just like with the telemarkeer who started the whole thing… I fucking hate that this forcing people to do shit is found normal in our society – I did “make it happen” [hahahahahahaha… It’s funny because I think uni Graeynissis are Cuddle] and then suddenly, while 30 minutes ago I was busy paneering shrimp (unfinished, because I wasn’t able to just hang up), someone I don’t know, who spoke English with a (sexy) foreign accent [but where he was from, I couldn’t tell… Eastern Europe somewhere…], was drawing lines on a series of plots he opened on my laptop screen. 

When I gave in with the ten euros, he opened a screen to sign up on some trading website and asked me to fill it out. The form included a promotion code area and fields for my credit card number and the security code. All of my instincts told me that I shouldn’t show that information to anyone, but I still did it. He filled out a deposit of €1000. I told him that it wasn’t going to work, because I don’t have that much money literally anywhere – I really don’t understand why people always assume that I have money. 

I told him that I could deposit ten euros (haha) on my prepaid credit card. When I showed him my debit account [it has -€487,57, my limit is -€500 and I have no income (still I would truthfully rather die than do the routine with fixed tasks and colleagues thing again… Never again [hi uni], thanks 🙂 )]. He tried to up my limit, but I told him that changing a limit is only possible when you’re out of the red. Of course people never believe my word and it had to be tried first. And when my brokeness was confirmed – because what’s a broker’s profit with a deposit of ten euros – the conversation was ended. I ended the screen sharing and deleted the AnyDesk application right after, and “ran” CCleaner… 

I have such mixed feelings about trading. That ten euros was because since the moment I started to give in to that telemarketeer, I started to think: Yes, I know it will all collapse one day. But everyone is milking it right now. Why should I keep myself from it? It might get me out of trouble… (But it will never get me the profits I need anyway. That ten euros…. Hahaha that would all vanish to paying all of the parties in between, anyway.)

Such an unethical thought… I’m glad I still have my last ten euros 🙂 . Please become my publicist… Yeaah another reason why I waited with the format of my business website, was because I wanted to be able to invest in your brand, as a business, by means of paying for your (initial) campaign, and then earning from a small share of what your campaign will generate for you. Now it will be the opposite… So I’ll be your publisher – so basically all I offer is 100% of my brainpower and my skills, but no money (yet) – but you’ll very unfortunately have to do the initial investment yourself… You won’t regret that part of your full independence, though! (And that in the beginning we might have to outsource instead of be full monopolists… The company is still “in its baby shoes”. But I love what’s ahead of us! ♥)

More about this after waking up…! “Tomorrow” doesn’t apply, because it’s now 02:19 AM, but I still “”need” to do my long sleep” otherwise I [= actually the daylight] might [make me¿] feel like shit.  I wonder if sleep, in general, really is necessary? Haha oh yess but of course I don’t want to go against “science”. Just like “the Earth is round”. [I have never seen that in real life, “with my naked eyes”, so…]

“Break of screen gazing” applies better than “sleeping”, I guess. I’m just chilling with my Head Cuddle and sometimes take a nap. Never do I sleep longer than 4 hours in a row. 

Meow

Good night

I love you! ♥

xxx

13:48 (01:48 PM) 

My Cuddle ♥

I hope your day is Cuddle 🙂 . I would like to change my statement about not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row: I do sleep longer than that, when I have a (long) dream.  I want to make a drawing of what I saw, again! (The moon part…) It was about that humans cultivated the moon’s landscape (its craters were changed into very big patterns) and that on the night the moon, by changing itself into text for short periods of time, announced that it was going to shoot fire from the sky, which was going to make all water of fire (“because moon fire is veryy hott”), I was staying in Amsterdam and the family friends who own the house I live in (with them), were on a holiday on the moon [with my family], so I was here chilling with their son [tripping about that my parents’ house is next to water and all of my grandfather’s books would burn… (All houses seemed larger in my dream.)]. After dinner and playing Halo in his room, I suddenly kissed him…? I felt my conscious body’s heart’s distress [my dreams are always lucid], being in that This could lead to an “Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing?” and a great dose of heartache afterwards, or being pleasantly surprised…? worry. And then, the rest of the dream, we were kissing? There wasn’t even moon fire to notice? Haha I feared I was going to be stuck in some nightmare, but it was quite a fun dream 😋. I woke up slightly past twelve AM (for the first time in a long time).

Now I’m going to eat, write [(featuring pen and paper) by means of creating an overview for my websites and motivation letter], shower and wash my hair, and then work on my business website (and motivation letter, hoping that I can finish it all, today…). [You should know that I fall in love very easily, but never out this (first). And that I love too many people to have a traditional relationship (ever again). I hope my future life will include a lot of true love and a lot of nerdy things.] Meow 😸 xxxxxxx. 

~~~

15:56 (03:56 PM) 

A change of plans made me write this article. I’m still in bed… Having my all-seasons blanket from “home” here, and a more convenient room temperature, allow me to sleep with only my panties on again (super yay :D). 

If this were my own home and I were by myself, I would enter the kitchen wearing only my panties, as well. But it isn’t and there are guests downstairs. I might not be able to resist socializing with the family friends’ (steph-)grandchildren, but that would mean that I, again, am another day away from completing my admission. 

I’ve been thinking of writing a What not to write in an motivation letter post and including that in my admission letter, as a link. That’s because I won’t be able to say all that I want to say, in that letter of max 400 words, and there are things “I want the university to know” [haha enallage¿ ooh no personification haha. My babyy ♥], while those are officially not things that will make someone say: “She will be an amazing student!” (Truthfully, I doubt if I’ll survive the dreadful routine and suicidal thoughts that come with being a full time student who has to attend 70% of all tutorials and has to make homework and stuff… But my life depends on it, so failure is not an option (anymore)…) 

So I’m now going to quickly shower, while playing music (as usual, by the way) [and hope that my hunger and the heat from the shower won’t make me pass out], postpone washing my hair with another day (because twisting my afro takes time too haha eww), and go downstairs – with intentions of binge eating… Will be starting my day with dinner…? x_x And then I’ll see if I’ll be able to concentrate on working. My desk is, as it is in every place I’ve ever lived in: the dinner table. I need a sexy office :D.

~~~

16:15 (04:15 PM) 

By the way:

Sort of not bad…. Especially after quitting all other forms of social media, aside from ASKfm

Not bad…?

But still no people reaching out to me or anything, so meooow 😿😾. Okayy now I’m really going to shower xxxxxxxxxxxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

11:44 (AM) 

Good morning ♥

I hope you’re having a good day, as usual 🙂 . I wish we could do something fun together. Then my days would be good as well.

Meoww my throat is so swollen and painful that eating, drinking and speaking hurt like crazy, and my airways sometimes get blocked when I try to sleep 🙁 . 

But lucky enough, I’m well rested enough to work on (and hopefully complete) my admission. 

Even though I’m actually not feeling good enough to go outside, I’ll (have to, for the sake of surviving this pain) buy some ginger, mint, lemons and garlic. The garlic I need for the “paneered” shrimp I’ll prepare later. 

I’m going to get ready and stuff xxx

Meoww I feel a bit un-cuddle for not telling you that I love you, these past two days 🙁 .

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

12:55 (AM) 

Good afternoon ♥

How’s your day?

I’m sick again 🙁 . When my throat hurt, when I was at doctor Cuddle’s, I said that it was not the type of throat ache where swallowing hurts, because then it didn’t. Apparently that was “not yet”, because now, when I swallow, my entire body cramps up from the pain 🙁 . I keep drinking ginger in hot water, by means of attempting to cure it. 

My headache and persistent fatigue [how can I still be tired, while I’ve slept for so long???] make me not want to work today. But I just have to, because I want to know if they would still allow me in or not, and if I can be an apprentice Graeyniss/researcher, instead of a regular student. Honestly, I really don’t look forward to “the student life”… I find it overrated. But for the acknowledgement of my intelligence, it might be inevitable…

Meoww I’m going to make myself some soup and ginger tea xxx

~~~

Blog, Online Diary

Monday, January 14, 2019

01:57 (AM) 

Meoww I’ve edited the front page, the D.O.C.I.S. International website and my motivation letter a bit. Staring into screens for such a long time, makes me feel a bit “grrrrr”, because I want to move around, but won’t feel comfortable doing that, while I’m not done with what I was doing. I’m tired of typing so much, but there’s still quite some that needs to be done, before I can submit my admission. 

Meow I’m getting a fever again, I think. My head hurts, I feel my temperature fluctuate and swallowing hurts like craazyyy 🙁 . Today will be another crazy boring day, with almost no physical movement. (Help :'( .) My only reason to go outside, is to go to the bank, to put that cash my mother gave me, on my debit account, so that I can pay that stupid warrant I only pay because I don’t have the funds and easy case for a lawyer. I shouldn’t be paying any of it.

I’m off to bed. 

Good night ♥

I love you ♥

xxx

14:20 (02:20 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I just finished my first meal of the day, of which I don’t have a picture, apparently x_x. I baked some okra, plantain and yam, with a madame jeanette peppers and some thyme. Palm oil would have gone nice with it, but I don’t have money for that 🙁 . 

I want to finish my admission as soon as possible, so that I could get clarity soon and have some no-staring-into-screens-days (I’m frying my eyes with this x_x). But it seems like I won’t be able to finish everything in today… Also, my mother might get that stamp for me, tomorrow. It’s very nice of her that she’s willing to do that for me. 

With my admission, I cling myself to this country for at least three years. Not that I have money to go anywhere else (I can’t even travel to the university from where I’m staying). 

I’m powerless in this. As in that I would rather study in sunny California, because it’s sunny there and there are a lottttt less familiar faces there. Or go to Harvard, because that university has an even better name. But for that, I need a generous and supportive father… Studying mathematics in Delft might suit me the best, when it comes to universities and courses in the Netherlands, but Delft, Harvard and California all don’t have my B… 

I wish he would be my guide, for my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis [I hope I can make clear that I know that writing “a Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis” is not part of the regular routine in academics. And that the title Illuminatus Intelligens officially doesn’t exist…]. And that I can spend full-time time with him and his fellow Graeynissis 🙊. That would be so much fun! 😸

I’m still stuck with sooo many questions from the time when we were about to do (PR) research together, and make a campaign together, and then I got stuck in the psychiatric system and we lost touch and everything… I want to finish what we started. And select different main topics for our research hahaha……….. Meoww my feelings were getting in the way a little, and my pessimistic view about the world was growing very much, when I came with the idea to study the history of sex and combine it with something interactive and microeconomics related, because the public seems so “not wanting to think about serious things”, that it felt like nothing else would sell/be successful, and I would be more turned on all of the time, if I would hear this meow talk about sex… 

But we shouldn’t downgrade ourselves to the level of what’s appreciated by the masses today. (My pessimistic view is now full grown and I’m fully aware of how it influences the way I express myself hahahaha…. Maybe we should even just openly express how dumb we find it…? I know I’m not alone in this!) We should attempt to level them up…

There are much more fun (and sexy) topics to research and campaign for! Such as the ecological safety of Rotterdam, the future of mankind, with its growth of overpopulation and “resources going extinct” (being replaced by artificial shit), starting a corporate state (including the expansion of D.O.C.I.S. International)… Especially the corporate state one!! 

Meoww I really hope I can get my B back… 

~~~

17:54 (05:54 PM) 

Meoww my brain is tired from not sleeping for two nights and generating so much texts. (Especially the process of finding the right words for self-expression is making me tired.)

And I’ve gone to the stupid bank to deposit my last stupid cash onto my debit account and pay that stupid warrant. Unfortunately, I can literally collapse at any second, and thus I shouldn’t continue to work on my websites and motivation letter. I better don’t have this when I have to be stuffing my brain with study material… 

I’m going to take a nap now xxx

~~~

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Sunday, January 13, 2019

13:58 (01:58 PM)

Good afternoon ♥

I couldn’t sleep last night, from the excitement (and light stress about the possibility of being rejected) for studying to obtain a bachelor (and hopefully being able to do this “the apprentice way”, receiving guidance for the research projects I’ve already broken down, instead of doing it via the regular homework -> test, homework -> test, homework-> test -> thesis, way).

I’ve already written down what I’ll include in my motivation letter. At first I wanted to settle for only econometrics, or maybe philosophy on top of that as well, but if I’d listen to my heart, and study what I truly desire to study – this is what I was contemplating about, back in 2016, too – I should apply for the double bachelor in both economics and econometrics. I know I can pass anything, when I choose to truly study for it. 

It’s also the perfect balance for my interests in mathematical modelling and behavioral economics, as well as a better stepping stone to knowledge on (the economical side of) international politics. Still no lectures from my B, though 🙁 . 

What makes writing the motivation letter a challenge, is that it has a maximum of 400 words and there are quite some things that have to be included, which leave less room for me to talk about my research proposal and my business, since what I strive towards is not a regular application. 

What I strive towards is being assigned a few (the more, the better 😻) Graeynissis, who could recommend theories I should master, about which I then write proof [instead of making tests ewww… Unless my proposal will be declined. Then, for the sake of still being allowed in: “Yay, I love making tests!”], and they could guide me in my Nosce Te Ipsum Thesis, to make sure that I deliver an end result that looks perfectly Graey 🙊. It would be so much fun 😻.

Haha I’m assembling documents… I had to ask my mother to send me my high school diploma. Check it out, haha…:

But for the admission, I actually need a stamp from the school on it… I really don’t want to go all the way to Rotterdam, with my no money, just to ask for a stamp and say that I’m a uni drop-out who wants to succeed this time x_x

I rarely studied, so the list really isn’t that bad 🙂 . I can do muuuuuuuch better, though! You’ll see 😀 

Aaaand palpitations ft. tachycardia strike again:

They’re simply just not getting this? What the fuck? De openstaande kosten zouden verlaagd moeten worden met €5230, omdat ik wegens persoonlijke omstandigheden, mijn aangifte niet op tijd kon doen. 

Willie maaahnn waarom doe je dit 🙁 . I can’t say no to him x_x. There go my last pennies x_x.

Meowss I’m going to get out of bed, brush my teeth and work on my websites and motivation letter. xxxxxx

~~~

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Saturday, January 12, 2019

00:52 (12:52 AM) 

Meoww my heart rate, the warmth, slight hunger and my thoughts, are keeping me awake. I’m going to eat a Berliner bun, we also bought at the supermarket before driving here. 

I’m so curious about what today will bring. I know I’m severely ill and as soon as that is officially spoken out – and my mother hears it from a source she does find trustable – I’ll have to undergo multiple forms of treatment and restore. Truthfully, I want to do all of this in Germany. I don’t even want to go back to the Netherlands before my health is restored (or ever¿). 

But undergoing treatment in Germany is costly and so is living here in between treatments and during the period of recovery. (Recovering in California would be great, too. I think I need about 20 years 😻. [“Just kidding”… (as in my body has already endured a lot and I want to start a new life 🙁 . Plus, my American English is a lottttt better than my German… But I love the (health) culture of Germany, so I do not at all mind being here 😀 )])

Undergoing treatment for this in the Netherlands is not an option, for so many reasons [doctors not having the intelligence and/or time to go the extra mile for the unique state my body is in [having to take into consideration that some pills aren’t going to solve anything], my Dutch medical records don’t even show that I’m ill the way I’m ill and the correction of that will cost so much time that it’s a waste of time [also fuck those motherfuckers who put those lies there in the first place… They shouldn’t get away with this…], the Dutch philosophy of empty beds and basing the amount of effort on if a life is worth it, will get me killed, because I’m unemployed with no degrees (mijn gymnasium diploma is niks waard 🙁 )]. Of course, when other people will realize that I’ve been speaking the truth all of this time, they might want me to undergo treatment close to home. Which is thus a stronger reason for me to stay in Germany and have some stress-free alone time. 

I love the smell of “foresty” land in this cold season [not as much as I love it during Fall and Spring, though, but it’s still awesome]. I would love to live there and have the sounds of nature be the only sounds I hear. No sounds of television, no sounds of cars, trucks and public transport, no sounds of superficial conversations, and the list goes on… I wish I could live in an area like that, while my body becomes freed from its limitations. I’d actually love to live in a foresty area for the rest of my life, but I want my personal forest to end up at a pretty beach, with very clear and blue water. My mansion in the exact center of the piece of land. 

Dreams, dreams, dreamsss… Without my Graeynissis, I won’t get there, because the people who usually get entire brands off the ground with their spending behavior, will never invest that in an individual who wants to earn from creative long-term damage control. Meoooww my Graeyniiiss, I hope you’ll visit this sick catje 🙁 . I have such Graeyniss health complaints 😋. Some experience related stories will definitely make me feel less nervous 🙂 . 

But how to arrange that from tomorrow’s conversation onwards, I won’t leave Germany, keep doctor Cuddle close to me, get these Graeynissis and live somewhere secluded from the noise and stressful areas that come with my income class… I wish I could… I don’t know if I’ll succeed in making my heart happy 🙁 . The greatest aspect of that issue is the “am I worth it” meets betalingsbereidheid, because I heavily financially depend on my parents in this, now that I’ve spent all of my savings on that and being away from home after another family fight (and being kicked out). I hope some Graeyniss generosity will save me. In that way, you could also make a very cool career switch by going D.O.C.I.S., and then we’ll all be so happy and cuddle 😻. It will be the very best decision you have ever made! 

I’m going to eat this Berliner bun, chill with my Head Cuddle – don’t tell anyone 😀 [I wonder if here in Germany, people will be open to believe in my experience of The Head Cuddle as something scientifically possible… In the Netherlands, all I’ve heard was “No,” and the reasons why were becoming so hurtful that at some point, I stopped trying to prove myself. (I actually didn’t even want to share it in the first place. If those psychiatry people didn’t force me to talk, I would have never mentioned it in that country to begin with.)] – and attempt to get myself to sleep again. 

I love you♥♥

~~~

11:23 (AM) 

Meoww we’re running late 🙁 . I fell asleep around sunrise and woke up sooo tired, I really had to snooze my alarm for 10 minutes, and was still snoring within that short interval of time. That’s how tired I am 🙁 . We had to be there 3 minutes ago 😿. Now our ETA is 11:43 🙁 . 

At least I have a sample of my morning urine with me… I hope that cup won’t leak in my bag x_x.

~~~

14:58 (02:58 PM) 

The infection has somehow vanished. That’s good news, when it comes to the long-term physical existence of me. But now I have a lot less large ground to claim Cuddles and Graeyniss time 🙁 . I’m suicidal as fuck anyway, so I was quite emotionally indifferent between what the outcome was going to be. Was it the weed that made it vanish, then? 

A lot of channels were blocked, was noticed during the osteopathy treatment. For some reason, I never feel physical relaxation. Also not after a massage or anything. As if my muscles only relax when you press them, and tighten up immediately after release. But I do notice a little difference now, and I’ve been told that the full effects will be noticeable within 72 hours. What I already notice is that The Head Cuddle feels less tense 🙂 . I hope I’ll be hearing clear B’s soon 😀 . 

The non-medicinal way to treat tachycardia, is by living a happy life. I will never be (even slightly close to) happy going back to school or working 40 hours a week [because climbing up, both in the world of academics and within a corporation, takes so long…], to end up living in some social housing project. But that’s all my environment leads me to, and I don’t how to reach beyond my environment. I’ll also really have to start looking for a job, because I don’t want other people to pay for anything of me. I feel like I ruined my shot at the ANWB and truthfully, I don’t want to try it anywhere else. Oh meow 🙁 .

I’m going to write a new book and turn my business website into a real publisher’s website, as well as changing the text on the front page of this website, again… When I get “home”[, if I’m physically able to]. Meow I need my own home, to reach inner peace 🙁 . I can’t relax without having a break from indirect social pressure. 

~~~ 

19:07 (07:07 PM) 

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to work on my websites. I can barely keep my eyes open and still had to unpack et cetera. 

It feels like it’s necessary – in terms of clarity for “my audience” [I have none…] – to edit my websites again. But I don’t like the process and I’ve done it ten times already, without the success I’m attempting to work towards, so I don’t know… I’ll still do it, though. My admission will be my motivation. I’m going to apply for the International Bachelor Econometrics and Operations Research (maybe combined with philosophy). If I really have to choose between school and work, on the level that suits the papers I have [they’re not worth anything], I’d rather go to school, excel and work for that same school and/or do research abroad. If I have to let go of my dreams of developing a self-owned multinational business… Of course I have a tiny bit of hope of succeeding in that through my time at the university, but then I’ll somehow have to overcome the extreme tachycardia level of social anxiety I’ve built up, which is something I didn’t have, the last time I was a student there. 

I’ll start working on assembling the right documents and everything, tomorrow. Partially, I’m very excited about going back to Erasmus University. I love to learn, I love being challenged [I think econometrics is a more suitable challenge for me] and I absolutely love to be in an environment which brings a lot of opportunities (to survive in the future and to show/develop my talents). The mandatory classes [so not being free in how to spread the study load (it sounds a bit picky, but it made the crucial difference in why I did better at The Open University, than I did at Erasmus and in high school) and having less time for my own projects] and the becoming part of a large group of people I all don’t know, where I’ll feel a strong need to befriend everyone, but simultaneously, wanting to be invisible. Even though I want to be honest in my admission letter, I need to be sure that I don’t include [yet still showing you]: “I wish only lectures were mandatory, because I don’t like to make homework. I prefer to read, listen and use the knowledge in practice right away [for my own projects]. Tests are only fun when I’ve mastered the theories well enough to pass it with a proper grade (that is an 8 or higher [I won’t be at peace if it’s less])…” “I attend university to learn and (more to)  obtain a title. Making friends freaks me out (the potential superficiality and how much that can stress me out), and I don’t feel the need to, so I don’t intend to…” “May I see my B? I’m very lost without him 🙁 ” “I wonder what happened at the university when I was missing… It shouldn’t have happened and the truth should be proclaimed. I’m still so not over it. It makes me want to hide.” “Suicide is my only other option, if you don’t allow me in. I really am smart enough to make it 🙁 .”

I’m not sure if I should include that I would rather just write a thesis right away, since I have a lot of revolutionary ideas for it, I’m a very fast learner, it’s far more fun and useful than making a test and it would be making much better use of my time. 

Should I try to stand out for the person who I am [but that could mean that my depressing and slightly crazy philosophy on how today’s trends are dumb (unappealing) and dangerous when it comes to the long-term sustainability of our planet], or should I play the “I’ll blend in so perfectly, I’m a true team player, helping businesses make profit in the future is important, yay meeting new people, I guarantee you with 200% that I’ll finish the program”-card, which is all lies, but it’s what everyone says, and it seems to work every time…. 

I guess I’ll do a little bit of both. The most frustrating part of this, is that the upcoming first year [I want to be in my final year already… I just want the title 🙁 . And then my PhD…] starts in September 2019, so then I have a lotttttt of time to kill… A lotttttttt… 

I’ve been looking at ANWB vacancies… There, too, the applying for something that includes “Are you a team player?”, makes me feel like I’m lying. I’ve been there. I’ve been that “team player” (just piling everything up myself instead of letting someone else fuck it up, because my written language is hard to understand). But truthfully, I prefer to lead. To set out the strategy and divide the tasks. (But where is something like that available for someone with only a gymnasium diploma and two Open University certificates…? (Hmu haha) X_X) Also, that drama e-mail I sent… X_x. I wonder what that meow will think, if our eyes were to ever meet again. I don’t want to know x_x. There’s this vacancy from the financial administration. But my working experience as clerical assistant, which did bring me all the knowledge I need to understand what needs to be done at the job I saw the vacancy for, might not be considered legitimate working experience… Also, that means that I’ll have to talk to those beasty clients again, and in that way, I’ll never be saved from this tachycardia. I guess I’ll do a winter sleep and hope I’m not dead by September…

“Just kidding”… I’ll find a way to earn. Also, I prefer to just start with my studies on Tuesday, if I send my application letter on Monday…. Yeah “but everyone wants that” “you can’t always get what you want” [I never do?] and “what makes you so special”… Oh meow 🙁 . I just want to write a thesis… I can be done by September, and it will be in not only econometrics, but that will be the “overlaying” field (so the main research question, and the subquestions will be in other fields, still including that subject, for some of them). If I’d include that in my admission letter, would it be declined, would it be “haha ja leuk dat je dat wil, maar je gaat gewoon met de rest meedraaien” [I love that it’s not an overload of students in that programme, though, so I wouldn’t die on the inside that much, but still there’s something else I prefer], would it be fully ignored or would I receive a seperate message about a special mission of becoming a Graeyniss? 🙊 I want to be a Graeyniss 🙊. 

Where’s The Head Cuddle lab? May I see it? 😀 And may I become part of a Graeyniss society, too? You won’t regret allowing me in to your secret Graeyniss club 😀 . It won’t become part of my diary, if you don’t want it to 🙂 .

So tomorrow will be all about that admission… And making my websites look more representative (before I sumbit it)… And trying to make that make me become a researcher instead of a student 😀 . It would all be so much more fun, a lot more unique, a lot more of a true challenge and a very good step towards making good changes to the system, if the University is open to it and if I manage to make it clear what I’m working towards. 

But how do I, if I apply via the regular submission route, manage to start next week [I will do the leadership part and will make sure that my Graeynissis won’t grow extra grey hairs because of the time and pressure that comes from my thesis. On the contrary, I want to give them more free time and make sure that those grey hairs come from sexy ageing 😀 ]…? Dreaming isn’t a crime… 

The changes that have to be made to my business website are, hahaha… I need investors to be able to run the end form properly, but I want to become a publisher who publishes for not only me (more researchers 😻). Yaay we need each other. It would be so awesomeee if I could make some twice-my-age Graeyniss friends 😀 . You need a more accessible research publishing platform, which allows for a lot more freedom in the way you publish! I think I might succeed in succeeding in getting all of this off the ground, by applying 😀 . Will this help me slow down tachycardia…? (Haha should I mention that I have that and that allowing me in, in the alternative way I’ll propose, can save my heart? (Which has the figurative size of a basketball…))

I’m going to write for my business website and admission letter, right away! (Starting on pen and paper…) The excitement I got from writing this, makes me feel wide awake (and hungry)! 

Tomorrow, you’ll hear my definitive approach on this 🙂 . [This would be great, because in that way, I’m still in “the same league” as other people of my age (instead of way below that, starting from scratch, while they’re almost done (and that while I’m still on a different path)), I could socialize the way I crave to socialize (on a muuuuuuuch higher level, talking about our research ideas and findings 😀 ) and then I’d finally have a suitably challenging occupation 😻. (Then generating an income to get by and live independently, would be my (only) side-challenge…………… Noo asking for money would go far too far x_x. (Even though I reallyyyyy need it…))]

Good night, my Sweetniss ♥

Meow 🙊

I love you ♥

– xxx –

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Friday, January 11, 2019

15:04 (03:04 PM) 

Good afternoonzz ♥

How are you today? 

I’m tired easily and chest achy, the way I usually am. I made this for “breaklunch”:

Those papers on the background are those medical documents I shared earlier, but this time with notes for doctor Cuddle. I can’t wait to see him 😀

I just left the pharmacy, close to where I stay in Amsterdam. I was there to buy a urine cup, because that’s what’s needed for the completion of doctor Cuddle’s research, but after waiting there for 30 minutes, there were two waiting people helped, and still 9 people in front of me, so I’m glad my mother found one at the drogisterij. 

Then I started to feel dizzy again, so I bought some water and “fresh” juice at the supermarket. Because I needed something on my stomach, I ended up settling for grote kaasstengels x_x. I’ve really had enough of supermarket food, truthfully…

But meoww now we’re on the road 😀 . On our way to Düsseldorf, to that hotel where I stayed the very first time I went to Germany for a doctor’s visit, which was where I met doctor Cuddle 🙂 . If he wouldn’t have asked me to visit him at his other practice, I would have probably been dead already. He could have also just sent me home the way every Dutch doctor has, but he hasn’t and it’s starting to show that what I’ve been stating about my health is right. I love that he’s willing to go the extra mile for me [especially because of the potential diseases I speak of “don’t suit my age” (but neither does my entire personality…) and he’s actually willing to listen to it]. He’s so Cuddle! 😀 ♥

~~~

17:15 (05:15 PM) 

We just crossed the border. Yay :D.

~~~

18:12 (06:12 PM) 

Same room type, different dayy:

The last time I was here, I didn’t have this jacket yett. My eyes were also less swollen… 

Sillyface Fangsss my tongue has been deshaped ever since those psycho pillss

~~~

22:37 (10:37 PM) 

I’m back in our hotel room, after having visited the sauna here and before that, dinner. 

Dinner was soooo tastyyy 😻

My lamb’s rack was crispy and rare 😻. So perfecttt and that while I didn’t even ask for its rareness! (We were at Casa Mattoni. Our intention was to eat in the hotel’s restaurant, but it was reserved for a private occasion, so they made a reservation for us there.)

Tastiest risotto ever 😀 . It went very well with my pesce 🙂

I can never turn down tiramisu 😻. It was very subtly flavored, which is the way I like my fooodd. From how full my glass of wine still is, you see how much of a slow drinker I actually am. It’s better for me to fully quit. I’ll learn how to say “No” soon 🙂 .

It was within a walking distance of where we’re staying (Melia Innside Düsseldorf Seestern) – and I made it there and back without even feeling like fainting, so yay. 

Right after coming back, we went into the sauna. On the one hand, I believe that wellness things are good for my heart issues, but not all of them, I guess. The heat and small space create such mental pressure. At some point I felt like fainting again, so I just went out and took a quick shower to “restabilize”. 

Now I’m extremely tired, so I’m going to go to bed. I look forward to tomorrow’s breakfast and even more to seeing doctor Cuddle 😀 . 

Good night, sweetie ♥

I love you so much 🙊 ♥♥

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Thursday, January 10, 2019

13:56 (01:56 PM) 

Good afternoon ♥

I hope this will be my last day in this powerless situation. Hopefully my mother hearing the news straight from the doctor instead of from me, will make her fucking realize that what I say about my health is not “a fit of schizophrenia”. I hope he can also make her (and the rest of the dumb motherfuckers who don’t believe me) realize that forcing me to work for a boss can kill me, because of the stress that is put on my heart (and the fact that I’d rather die than do that again (that means suicide)). Sucks that I depend on her in this, now. My health and finances don’t allow me to go to Germany by myself anymore.

I also hope that somehow it will make me stay in a less crowded part of Germany, until all of my health issues are fixed. Or that I’ll be referred to a specialist in California 😋. Those are just dreams, though… But it would be amazing. And then, for the sake of keeping my heart rate stable and not risking it going back to level tachycardia, receiving help to leave my old life – including its stress factors – behind all together, and starting over, there. With my Graeynissis. Including our personal doctor 😻.

The more I text, the more I realize how alone I am. Answering the how are you doing – if someone really gives a fuck, it doesn’t have to be asked, because it can be read here – with that all I can do is rest and I’ve been diagnosed with tachycardia (not even having gone into the situation with the white blood cells), has led to one switching the topic to an R. Kelly documentary “I must watch” [if you know me, you know under no circumstance I would watch something like that voluntarily], which then led to a discussion about why that is or is not just a media stunt [the most stressful thing ever, when someone doesn’t listen to my view], one changing the topic to personal drama [showing empathy in a case like that, increases my stress levels] and one telling me that what I say about my health is not true. God damn, I want to delete my Whatsapp account. But I still need it… Hopefully until I’ve received the assistance I need, because it’s stressing me out. 

What would be the healthiest for me, is to buy out everyone, so that there’s zero reason for them to claim “my friendship” [which would make me 90% more stress-free], then continue to clear my name, and make sure that I never go back to anything that reminds me of this life. That would make me the happiest person alive… (There’s a handful of people I do would like to keep in my life, but only when they would be happy to make the same switch with me, of leaving everything behind and starting over somewhere else. Never to return.)

But why today is then my last day, instead of Saturday, is because tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I have something to do. Now it’s just entertaining myself, while hoping that I don’t pass out again, especially now that I’m all alone. That’s what I did all week 🙁 . 

I wish I could somehow find people who are on my side in this debate. Fully on my side. I mean everyone says it, but from the way they talk shit behind my back and don’t stand up for me, I know better. These people fully on my side, must be people who just have a very good sense of justice. In the way I give information on this blog, both sides can still be picked – a conscious move – and choosing the “against me” side is easier, because that requires a lottttttttttt less thought, so if you’re on my side in this, because you truly believe me, know that I’ll love you for all eternity! ♥

~~~

18:26 (06:26 PM) 

The walk I went for, didn’t last long. Man, I really can’t wait to see my doctor 🙁 . Going outside by myself is such a big risk. Again, I felt dizzy from the moment of stepping outside, and later I had such intense chest pains 🙁 . Then my phone was about to die – and I’m not that familiar in this neighborhood  – so I started to make my way back. (Also because the park/forest/semi-uncultivated land was unlit.)

I made these radom pictures:

A typical Dutch sight

Meowss

I love walking, which is why I kept going. I also loved the calmth. But it’s not safe for me anymore to do things like this, somehow, so I can’t wait until Saturday 🙂 .

The reason why I took that walk, was by means of preparing myself for tomorrow’s journey and whatever else my mother and I will be doing. I hope it will be enjoying the hotel spa… 

~~~

22:55 (10:55 PM) 

My love, I’m off to bed

I hope that in the coming two days, things will finally start to play out in my advantage. Usually, that would mean not being sick at all, but in my case, I know my body is severely weakened, so I hope it will give us full clarity on all causes and I hope I’ll be able to get treatment for it, starting in the same week… 

On my statement about parenting being dead: all parents seem to do these days, is yell at their children and force them into making career decisions. That’s because all they know is the routinous life they know now [as pawns], but life won’t stay like that by the time we get older, so most of them really shouldn’t force their opinion on a younger mind. (Of course, some non-yelling parents exist and of course a lot of children are very untamable. I think it’s best to just let untamable children learn from experience.)

I really wish my life wouldn’t have become this hassle 🙁 . I could have been doing research and campaigning, with my B, if that irreversible fucked up shit wouldn’t have happened in 2017 🙁 . And now I’m here x_x. 

I hope my health can be fixed and that from that, better things will follow. 

Good night, my Cuddle ♥

I love you ♥♥

xxx

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Wednesday, January 9, 2019

12:38 (PM) 

Good afternoon 🙂 ♥

I just finished my first meal of the day

My body feels less weak than yesterday, but weaker than the day before that.  I don’t feel strong enough to go for a walk, later, but I’m going so crazy from being indoors all of the time. I want to move some. So I might still just do it. 

But first… I’ll take a short nap on the couch… 🙁 My level and frequency of fatigue are insane :'(. Love you xxx

~~~

13:03 (01:03 PM) 

Change of plansss. I find myself too smelly to lay on a couch that is not mine. So I’ll be showing firsttt… 

~~~

18:01 (06:01 PM) 

I decided to draw today

😀

Yayyss

I’m almost donee but part of the fam came home and we’re about to have dinner now. Meoww two days until I hopefully have some better health…

~~~

18:59 (06:59 PM) 

This is where I was before around dinner:

The black has a sort of confusing effect, because it was used to outline and for facial features, but I think that will be less, when I’m done

Meoww I can barely keep my eyes open. My chest pains are appearing more frequently, too 🙁 . I’m glad I only have to entertain my weakened self for one more day, tomorrow, and then Friday we’re already heading to Germany. 

In case I fall in a deep sleep that takes me overnight 

Good night

I love you 

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

10:13 (AM) 

Good morning ♥♥

I still feel sick. With the motion headache, the internal pains and my fatigue. My breathing and heart rate become worse every day. 

Also, I noticed that I’ve destroyed my eyes with all of this typing on here. Last night, I  suddenly had extreme needs to water them with water. It felt like they were drinking, when I poured water from a bottle cap, into my eyes, because it kept feeling like they wanted more. 

So today, I won’t be posting anything – but I always keep my phone close, because when whatever snake attempts to get me into the closed vicinity of a mental institution again, I need to let you know and you’re the only one who can get me out of there. 

By the way, I think I might have to shave my head or something, because my hair loss is insane. Whole chunks of hair come loose, almost every time I touch it. 

I’ll be sleeping today and drawing, when I’m able to. 

Have a nice day 🙂 ♥

Oh and on that Waddeneiland storm now having reached Amsterdam…. I hope I’ll be out of the country by the time it reaches Rotterdam, because blub blub blub blub blub…. But it doesn’t seem like it. Help x_x

~~~

22:53 (10:53 PM) 

Unfortunately, I’ve not been able to draw 🙁 . The strength in my body is even less than yesterday. The thought of only being able to lay in bed, until I go to Germany, with my mother, on Friday – then checking out on Saturday and going to the appointment, after which I’ll go back to Amsterdam – drives me crazy, on the inside. 

Maybe I have myasthenia gravis 🙁 . I want to do so many things, but now I’m tired after turning around in bed…. My poor Wirbelsaüle, I’m fucking up with this pillow that doesn’t suit my body type, by the way. I think the whole concept of parenting should just be declared dead. Because it is. I’m left for dead 🙁 . 

Ah meoow be my Cuddle 🙁 ♥

I came here to say

Good night

I love you

xxx – 

Blog, Online Diary, Random Thoughts, Reflections

Monday, January 7, 2019

02:11 (AM) 

Meow excuse my delay. I’m tired and that makes me slow 🙁 . I think it’s the most healthy to wait with what I wanted to share with you – it’s a lot of thoughts – until I’ve had some better rest. Then I’ll also not feel like rushing it. 

I’m in bed now, wearing socks until my feet get warm [I wish I had a warm body to cuddle [klinkt het alsof ik over een lijk praat? HAHAHA dat bedoel ik niet. I’m talking about finding Cuddle loveee] to replace my socks with… Would you truly love to warm my feet? Meoow people like that are almost extinct and very hard to find.] and since I can’t fall asleep with cold feet, I can still keep you company, until my legs don’t end with these size 41 ice cubes anymore. 

Laking makes it warmer underneath the sheets, too 🙂 . Meoow. I don’t know if my frequency (and slight dependence) is(/are)  healthy, though…

I’ll set my alarm for 10 o’clock, because to cancel a phycisians appointment without being charged for it, you need to do that 24 hours in advance. I’m also going to ask what the fuck ze gedeclareerd hebben, since I haven’t seen a doctor in this fucking country since 2017. And then I’ll call doctor Cuddle’s practice [“the main practice he works at” applies better, but that’s more typing] and ask when he’s available. I might be able to go there again now that my mother is willing to bring me there. The problem is that she seems not appreciative of me wanting to use the findings from Germany for my legal case regarding my emotional and physical damage, as a result of the authoritarian psychopaths destroying my life. 

I feel another wave of powerlessness in that… I need justice. And money 🙁 . The type of pillow I need, which will cause my neck to not hurt – I think that might be the cause of my headache – is not cheappp. 

Are there any volunteers who are very eager to help me clear my name and road trip to doctor Cuddle’s practice with me? Because I will be stressed the fuck out all of the time if I have to go there with someone who just wants to see if I’m sane or not and then try to get me to that heartless Dutch phycisian of mine. Or any other Dutch phycisian. Isn’t it clear that I’m so done with the Dutch health care system? All they focus on is symptoombestrijding, but never on solving the cause of the symptoms. And then they give up whenever they get the chance and start to kill you with morphine. More about that after my resting. Voor zover ik daartoe in staat ben… 🙁 [that was about resting]

My feet are warm enough now 🙂 

Slaap zacht, mijn liefste ♥

I love you 😽

– xxx –

07:12 (AM) 

Ah meoow my feet cooled off quickly before I was able to lake myself to sleep, and then my thoughts kept me awake. Now my stomach is demanding nutrition again, but I basically haven’t had a proper good night’s rest in…. Yeah since that time I was alone in Enschede, I think… 

I don’t want to get out of bed, but I’m “in the mood for” (variation, actually) bitter melon and solanum macrocarpon. I so want to sleep 🙁 . 

The Head Cuddle [ = my head B ♥… I intended to keep it a secret, until I kept being forced to speak (it still took them monthsssssssssss)] reminded me of red meat 😻 . My mouth is watering now… I might spend my last cash on going to the butcher later. For a tiny piece of the tastiest meat. And some fresh tuna… 😻 Then I also catch some “fresh air”. It’s just “alternative to inside air is outside air”, because Dutch outside air is just as deadly as inside air. I can’t stand all of the noise from (the concept of) outside, but I like walking, so…

I’m going to eat some yoghurt to silence my stomach, check when the butcher opens and hope that I’m done before 10 AM, because you shouldn’t have another kutgesprek on an empty stomach 🙂 . [This because – is it Dutch¿ – me cancelling the appointment might be followed by the “why” question. Ugh. Even when the soonest moment I could be helped in Germany were in 2 weeks, I would rather die than see that bitch who called me incompetent and believes it, again. I also want to share my philosophy on the wall situation with you, later 🙂 ] Ttyl xxx

~~~

08:11 (AM) 

Meowss. I suddenly sooo lovee plain yoghurt :). Usually I consume that with a crazy amount of honey. 

Meoww I see the butchery opened at 8 🙂 . There’s no fish store in the distance I’ll be able to walk with this amount of nutrition in my system, without passing out. 

I’ll be finishing this, showering – need to time this right, since this meow who apparently also has a cat onesie [with a tail! The Coolniss 😀 ], lives the 40 hours niss, has to go to work, and I don’t want to make him be late – and cooking my type of lunch I haven’t cooked for myself in such a long time. I haven’t even had lunch in like… How many weeks? It has been “breakfast” [iets om je holle kies mee te vullen (dat is een spreekwoord)] and dinner only, for quite some time now. The tired Fangs on a budget life. I’m also getting veryyyyyyyyyyyy tired of typing so much all of the time x_x. 

But I do have some interesting things to share with you later 🙂 . 

~~~

09:24 (AM) 

Tired petje is going to “run” [with the state of my health, I can’t even run… While I love sprinting 🙁 ] to the store and still be in time for that ughhhh phone call. 

Fucking hateee when pedestrians look at me while they talk, when I walk past them outside

~~~

11:42 (AM) 

I see another awesome loophole opportunity to get closer to solving my case 😀

Here’s how I got there:

For some reason, this little boss ass daredevil gave me hope

I did my grocery shopping and calling off my Dutch phycisian (including requesting information about unsubscribing) all before 10:30 🙂 . Die klok loopt zelfs vier minuten voor 🙂 .

I expexting to be making a decision between entrecote and kobe or something. But they didn’t even have that… This kogelbiefstuk cost me €5,95 and it looked like it can’t be eaten rare or even medium-rare (it was on a big bulk of meat and I asked for two plaques…). In my neighborhood I can get better quality food for less… It’s because of the ratio between people and food, plus food wishes 

The supermarket here also doesn’t sell non-frozen, fresh tuna (I’ve asked an employee for this, when I was there). 

My bitter melon was overdue, so I chose to eat the solanum macrocarpon (“antroewa” in het Sranang Tongo) with green asperges 🙂

My mother told me it’s healthier to garnish with butter, instead of to fry with it

Meowss I feel better alreadyy

Location revealedd

I three different topics were discussed in those few minutes. The assistant’s predictable answers [answers are always even worse than I expect them] makes my situation feel like I have a bit more hope

On the phone, I asked the assistant/receptioniste to cancel tomorrow’s appointment. She asked if that is because I am better now. I told her “No, it’s because I have found someone who wants to bring me to Germany.” She then started saying things, but I interrupted her with: “Ik heb twee vragen. De eerste is wat er vrijdag is gedeclareerd.” Then she told me that they didn’t do anything, that I should check it myself online and that it might be the new annual registration tariff. [And then I thought It’s sooo coincidental that she’s talking about registration [grrr fucking weird answer by the way], because of what my last question ever is!!!] I replied: “Okay. My last question is what the procedure of unsubscription of this practice is.” 

She told me that my new physician should then textually contact the practice, and then they will officially transfer my file. Guess what I’ll then be discussing at my very long appointment with doctor Cuddle this coming Saturday 😻. Haha me having someone from Germany as main phycisian (to be), is sooo against the whole point of that Dutch health care system. But I’ve lost my faith in it. I’ve basically never had faith in it.

Not only because I’ve lost so many people in my life. Also because the ratio between people and the amount of hospitals available, in all of the Netherlands… Is… Hopeless…? There’s also no space for a new big hospital, where it’s needed. Het IJsselland ziekenhuis [fuck a capital “Z” on this one], for example, is the nearest hospital for all people in Capelle aan den IJssel (so Capelle West, Capelle Schollevaar, Capelle ‘s Gravenland [where I (should I say “used to”?) “live”], Oostgaarde, Middelwatering…) and Rotterdam Oost (Prins Alexander, Lageland, Oosterflank en Ommoord [and more?]). Het gebouw zelf ziet er al uit als een noodvoorziening… And they do severe morphine treatments… Why the fuck does someone have to go to school for more than 4 years, to only do symptoombestrijding and “extreme ingrepen” and other than that are educated to thin out the Dutch population “of its weaklings”…?? That sounds very World War Two “resurfaced”, to me… The authority of “law enforcement” psychiatrists and shiz, too… 

~~~

13:08 (01:08 PM) 

Meoww I’ve made the appointment for Saturday, because I thought of how to get the most of his time. There are still more symptoms to research the origin of… My heart feels happy and safe, when I’m around him. (He knows that I have trust issues with doctors and he’s a very good listener.) I always want an appointment to last forever. [I’m such “a hopeless romantic” hahaha…]

Also, my muscles are crazyyy tight, so I’m happy to be able to finally get a long session of osteopathy :D. Before that, there are a lot of things to discuss! 

So “length-of-appointment”-wise, I love Saturday. But when it comes to the current state of my health… 

Opening the door this morning and being exposed to outside air, already made me feel slightly dizzy. It’s scary, knowing that your body could give out at any second. Somehow I made there and back. 

But now I’m tired from that small moment of being outside and cooking. And eating, of course. On the phone with the assistant of my soon to be not anymore my (Dutch) phycisian, I was dealing with veryyyyy severe breathing problems, from the stress. It was definitely hearable. 

Ik schrok me om 12 uur trouwens ook weer te gewoonlijke tering, door dat kut luchtalarm. Denkend: Water!! Water!! Neeeee!! Water? Ooh nee het is twaalf uur.

Meow too tired to continue typing xxxx 

~~~

20:36 (08:36 PM) 

Food petje 😀

The soup is nice 🙂

I’m sharing my visje with Jam 🙂

On the situation with the wall:

It’s craazyyy how ignorant people can be these days. Everyone in the world has an opinion about President Trump and his wall. 

The media calls it fucked up, so people call it fucked up. It’s not there, so truthfully, they can’t know if it will be fucked up. 

Everyone has heard about the Berlin wall in school (sort of) and might relate it to that. But that’s a misinterpretation. 

If he would want to build that wall in between Maryland and Pennsylvania, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If he were to demand it to be built on Mexican soil, I would understand why there’s so much bitching about it. 

If it were European countries building walls in between each other, that would be against the law, because in the European Union, borders are open. 

[I must say there should be an exception made for Germany and Belgium, because they should be allowed to defend themselves from flooding, when the Netherlands flood(s).]

[Die shit met de Waddeneilanden, I consider a sign of God, trouwens. And I don’t even consider myself a religious person (anymore) hahaha.]

But people should realize that he’s a politician who actually has a good plan. 

You see, illegal immigrants… Are illegal. So… They should just be legal immigrants… Immigrating legally. Maybe Mexico also needs better politics, and that wall might be a good incentive. 

Mind you that refugees are not illegal immigrants. Especially when a country has a hand in a war that causes mass migration, refugees should be allowed in. But still it’s important that people live purposeful lives and not just claim a spot, for the sake of claiming it, to do nothing with it, afterwards. 

But if you can’t get the democrats to cooperate – they always want to talk too much and never really improve anything but just $$$$$ eww – maybe they will, if it’s a wall made of very thick bulletproof glass? Or maybe a very high electric fence? Popsicle sticks…?

On the law enforcement people: they’re given a holiday? Those people must be criminals with an authority and anger problem. An addiction to it maybe, even. I mean being an authoritarian fuck all day must be stressful, so if you’re not paid for it, you should not work. 

This man who was interviewed for it, on the Dutch late night news, yesterday, said that otherwise people are going to escape. How about they link the cameras there to the hobby room in their home (because they have hobbies right hahahahaha), and put a digital sniper rifle in that panopticum tower of theirs, to shoot anyone who runs out. 

Then the captivated people can have some fun time, too. “You know where to find the snacks. I’m going to Ibiza 🙂 .” [Of course they might also start killing each other. But people should just let people be.]

What I wanted to say about forbidden office romance, is that is very much shouldn’t be!!!! It’s insane! Love is one of the few fun things in life 🙁 . At least to this catje 🙁 . 

Of course, a lot of people won’t be able to handle it, and a workplace might become like a zoo. (Not everyone is able to concentrate on working, so quickly resides to talking nonsense and distracting others.)

“See that girl there two tables away…?” Haha while the world then becomes a more dumb pile fucking mess, I can be kissing with my Graeynissis, while taking over the world 🙊.

Meoww this is the exact opposite order I intended to tell things yesterday, but my spontaneous red meat craving (actually still unsatisfied) changed things around. I’m still thirsty… 

But even more tired, and because of that, I’ll be going to call it a day. (I wish doctor Cuddle were my neighbor… I need eyes of true medical understanding on me 🙁 .)

Good night ♥

I love you

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Sunday, January 6, 2019

02:52 (AM) 

I went straight to bed after twisting my hair (took me about 30 minutes… I rushed it and that is visible 🙁 . It’s not neat…). But a growling stomach leads to:

Meoow

I think my body is getting unappreciative of white carbs, because even though I’m very hungry, I feel extreem misselijk after eating the pasta, but not when I eat the salmon and spinach. I must say that I’ve been feeling misselijk for quite a few days, but I almost choked to death this one time I vomited, a few years ago, so now I’m scared to, and I’ve trained myself to not even have “vomit oprispingen” [because I would not swallow it back ewww]… 

My family friends visited my parents today, and as I asked my mother, they took my blanket with them 🙂 . I’m quite attached to it. It has gotten me through all seasons and is older than I am. [But I can’t stand that my father lets us pay for everything from our own pocket, because otherwise the government will know how much money he’s hiding. He doesn’t want to get caught, so we all have to play along. But what if I want him to get caught? I don’t even want him in prison. I just want peace. I can’t even pay my own fucking health expenses. I also can’t afford a new all-seasons blanket. Or a mattress that suits my Wirbelsaüle (spinal column, wervelkolom)  🙁 .]

Haha by the way, yesterday I had this “wow” moment, when was on the toilet, and I thought: Het is tweeduizend negentien na Christus. “Na Christus” is somehow still a thing, in this godless society…

Meow how to satisfy my vitamin cravings 🙁 . I want to try fruits and vegetables I’ve never tried before 🙁 . But that’s not possible here. Especially not in the winter season…. 

Later today I’ll elaborate on the national hospital “semi-solvable problem” [not everyone will consider it a solution] here and “no love” policies on the work floor, about which I have a very funny piece of mind to share. 

Also:

I was portrayed as “the dumb fan”

Those reporters let me repeat my answer three times, and the third time, it sounded the most mechanic, because underneath, I was starting to get annoyed.

And:

My growling stomach problem, including its selective taste, is satisfied by:

I need to show you something else, also :). But I need to go upstairs for that, so you’ll see that when I get upstairs. 

Something else sharable for which I don’t have to go upstairs – by means of entertainment for in the meantime for you – is some small tasks for today I listed when I couldn’t fall asleep: 

Crucial changes to this blog are that category name and my welcome text

And this:

My account name is _docis [I’ve mentioned that on here before, maar voor de nieuwkomers 🙂 ]

~~~

04:11 (AM) 

This was what I wanted to show you that is now upstairs:

Jamiro bought me groceries today 🙂

I’m so very grateful of him doing this for me. It’s written instead of a text, because when he told me what he’ll be cooking now that his parents were going to visit my parents, he told me that I should text him what groceries I need. My phone was upstairs and I was barely able to walk, so I asked for a post-it to write on. Now I’ll cherish this. I don’t know where to keep it yet… Maybe my sketch book? 

I feel bad for not being able to pay him back for this. Not that I think that he’s not able to afford it. I’m actually very proud of him that he has been able to manage working full-time for so long (a few years now, and he’s 23). And he’s still at it. [But that we have to do this from such a young age shouldn’t be considered normal – because there’s more to life – and shouldn’t be encouraged – because there’s more to life – is my opinion. Most people don’t become happy from it.] But I like to pay people back when they pay for things for me. Even though I don’t often ask for my money back, when I pay for someone else. (Only when I’m on my last euro, I ask it back.)

I wish I could show you pictures from when we were younger, but they’re in the picture albums at “my father’s house”.

I’m going to try to sleep again. Now I don’t have to wear this uncomfortable workout crewneck-ish thing anymore. I’ll be able to sleep with a t-shirt on, without being cold 🙂 .

Good night again xxx

~~~

04:59 (AM) 

I still can’t sleep – probably because my eyes got used to the light of my phone screen in the dark – and in the meantime, I’ve decided on my new welcome text 🙂 .

Meow 🙂

A slight change 

Additions. I’ll also change it to “keep posting updates on here” instead of “keep writing”. “But for this I need the assistance of some powerful individuals I love. I call them my Graeynissis. We have been separated from each other 🙁 .”

To make it the new welcome text, I nees to get behind my laptop, though. Which is what I’ll do after sleeping… 

I’ll try to sleep again. I’m always afraid I’ll get that issue with my heart rate and breathing, I sometimes have in my sleep. It hurts a lot, and I’m not able to breathe, when it happens. All I can do is hope to get my breathing ability back, and hope it doesn’t lead to sudden cardiac death. The first time I experienced those chest pains and not being able to breathe, while I’m asleep – and I try to mentally wake myself up – I was about 10 years old. 

*random* I always need to wait until my feet are fully warmed, until I’m able to fall asleep. I now have socks on in bed, but I really don’t like the feeling of waking up with socks on. 

Meow 🙁 xxx

~~~

12:28 (AM)

Good afternoon, my Cuddle ♥

Here’s het bed petje [as in the English word pet and the Dutch verkleinwoord (“verkleinuitgang” (that covers it better, but that word doesn’t exist)) -je] speaking 🙂 . I lay here so cuddly and warm, I don’t want to get up. 

I also don’t want to move, because somehow, I stillllll have that bewegingshoofdpijn 🙁 . I’ve never had this for so long 🙁 . The pain becomes worse every time I move (my head).
I’ll have to get up, though. I don’t like my hunger pains 🙁 . I also feel like sleeping some more… Maybe after eating. 

Ah, meow… I’ll be schuifelen (not walking, because the steps hurt and my body shivers when I try to) to the badkamer, to brush my teeth, and then go downstairs. I’ll fry an egg with spinach and eat some yoghurt… Tot later xxx 

[This piece of update will be posted later than I’ve attempted to upload it, because [after some searching around for the cause of me not being able to update what I wrote down] I see Strato is doing a server-side update 🙂 . I hope it will make my blog even more safe 🙂 .]

My website was redirected to this page, because of the server-sided maintenance

~~~

13:45 (01:45 PM) 

The bathroom is occupied, so I’m still bed petting. I notice the update is done, because I’m able to upload images into my articles again. 

From the way that update text was formulated, it seems like I was doing that update myself. But I update this blog 24/7, so if that were me, you would always see that text. “We’re doing server-side maintenance,” suits the situation better. 

Another answer worth sharing:

Ik ben niet tegen, maar ik ben ook geen nationalist.

~~~

14:00 (02:00 PM) 

WHAT. THE. FUCK????

Ik krijg in Nederland niet eens passende medische hulp, dus waar the fuck moet ik voor betalen? Dan ga ik mijn Duitse zorgkosten ook bij deze barbaren declareren hoor. Dit is fucking illegaal. Het is zeker die fucking huisarts van mij weer. 

I’m showing you the relatienummer, so that you can also see the injustice that has been happening to me. 

I also wish them good luck with deducting, because my bank account has less than €4 to spend on it. Grrrrrrr…. 

~~~

14:13 (02:13 PM) 

All of this stress is making me sweaty, and there are guests downstairs, so I’m going to brush my teeth, take a shower and eat some. 

~~~

15:03 (03:03 PM) 

By means of eating healthy… When it comes to taste, I prefer white bread over dark bread, but variation and health are more important 🙂 .

~~~

15:21 (03:21 PM) 

I’m full 🙁 . And tired 🙁 .

I find it strange that I’m suddenly full so fast

~~~

22:31 (10:31 PM) 

Haha I hope now I’ll never get complaints about how it’s not clear what I do, again, with the new text on the home page of this site. It became more elaborate than I intended. 

Because on the one hand I’m trying to do business, but on the other hand, my medical past and present keeps haunting me, so my process is very stagnate. And when external parties from here interfere in it, it always has negative consequences for me. 

Meanwhile, I’ve also seen a part of a movie Willem Holleeder. I didn’t know there was a movie about him, but the movie and its background theories are apparently very popular as well. [On the couch, I edited this page and when I was done, the channel was changed to where that was on.] I only knew about his college Q&A from a few years ago. I still just don’t understand how there’s a whole branding team behind his identity, and that that is considered normal. Isn’t that encouraging criminality?

Meowww from the things I wanted to elaborate on today, I’ll start with love 🙂 .

But excuse me for a few minutes (and the time I’ll need to write the next update in this post), as I fix my stomach problem again (with the temporary solution), and enter cuddle-mode 🙂 . Be right back xxx

~~~

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Saturday, January 5, 2019

02:32 (AM) 

Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist… 

I’m still very tired and this headache makes me prefer to sleep – but at the same time, I like talking. The “It’s alive!!!” joke made me think for a second that I’m better off in my own bed, but our long conversation made me change my mind. It also made me forget about the awful headache I have – besides the moments I accidentally stared into a lamp. 

By the way, before I changed my policy of speaking my mind, I was on a path of busting my father for the illegal shit he’s doing. I still wouldn’t care at all if he were to get caught. It might even be a relief. Since we have nothing to talk about. 

In this life, a parent should support you in the life’s path you have the right to develop yourself. If you want to play a dictator and with animal-like screaming and other forms of aggression, to push through “the parent’s dream of a child’s future”, you can fuck off… In the end, that’s all I care about anyway. A lot of people say that he loves me and shit, and I allow these people to say it [as in I don’t use the 1001 arguments I have as to why not (money > kids = #1)], but I have seen very different things. 

But how the meow can I future, then? 🙁 Okay, at first I need my heart rate fixed, et cetera… But I kind of very much want to rule the world… The more I lay in bed, the less I get the impression that I ever will… Meoow 🙁 . Do we do living happily ever after…? I have so many questions about that viral missing campaign, but those who I want to ask questions, I can’t reach… That’s soooo fucking unfair, it makes me want to fang whoever caused that… 

I’m off to go back to bed

I would like a harness for my Wirbelsaüle, by the way. And a antiknarsgebit… Et cetera… 

Meow haha

Good night

I love you [an expression that always gives me palpitations lol. But I do…]

xxx

PS. I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks and untying those twists took some pressure off my head. But I need to prevent it from tangling, so I made these little buns… They’re a bit too tight, for my headache, so I’ll make them more loose… 

Meow… Forcing myself to not pull up my shoulders, because of stupid pains. I’ll be sleeping with that exact same sweater… And sport socks… 

11:07 (AM) 

Good morning meow ♥

I still feel sick 🙁 . I need forehead kisses 🙁 . Then I’ll feel better! 😻

That medizinische Eingriff for my tachycardia should take place soon, as well as maybe operations for those ongeremde celdeling cyste-ish infection (since antibiotics don’t work. But I don’t know if it’s possible. Also, maybe my pancreas is torn?

Meoow I’m quite scared of being put onder narcose, though 🙁 . Veryyy scared, actually. (Yet still I’m pro operating instead of taking pills/chemo/things like that. It’s more natural.) I need Graeyniss Cuddle support 🙁 . Then I’ll feel a lot less tense 🙂 . 

I’m still in bed, but I’m hungry… Meow, I don’t want to get up 🙁 . But my stomach hurts from the hunger, so I’ll have to go downstairs xxx [Need to buy yoghurt and cruesli or ask someone to buy it, for tomorrow or some, since I need to eat varied healthy. But today, it’s tosti time 🙂 .]

~~~

18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meow 🙁 

I collapsed earlier today. As I took the tea bag out of my tea and the tosti iron was hot, I noticed my sight started to get blurry. I knew it was because of the hunger, so with my last strength, I quickly put the ham and cheese on top of the slice of white bread, and put the other slice of bread on top of it, while telling myself: I’ll be fine. I’ll make it to the couch and regain my strength there.  I closed the tosti iron and thought: But I need more vitamins, actually. And after it, I will get hungry again… I thought I would never have this anymore. My body became heavier.  I tried to walk out of the kitchen, to the couch, but around the door opening, it became very hard to breathe. I felt that I was about to faint and softly threw myself to the ground, before gravity would. (One of the things I’ve learnt from fainting so often, as a kid.) 

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed. I kept telling myself. “What’s up? Try to get up.” “I need food,” I was able to say. Speaking costs a lot of energy. I crawled onto the couch. She gave me cookies. I was only able to eat in a laying down position. 

I’m so low on energy, still. It has been years since I’ve had a moment like this. I worry about it happening again 🙁 . I need to see doctor Cuddle and my Graeynissis 🙁 . 

When I got myself onto the couch, I first didn’t even have enough strength to change my position. Later I was able to. Even later, I was able to walk to the toilet. After dinner – Jamiro made pasta with Salmon 😻 – I was semi-able to go upstairs to get my phone. Other than that, all I’ve been able to do is lie down. I think the whole situation with my current life, finances and health situation just made my head spin, along with tachycardia. I want my heart rate to slow down a bit 🙁 . (Could we succeed in doing that, by switching to a more calm environment and stuff? If avoiding a medische ingreep is possible, I would like to…) 

Meow I need serious medical assistance, but this country will get me killed 🙁 . My Dutch medical records portray me as the spawn of Satan, and so “health care professionals” treat me as such [as you know, I speak from experience]. In het IJsselland ziekenhuis, for example, October 2016, this motherfucker (I wish I had a license to kill, when I think of him) named Mustafa, who works for Bavo Europoort [which is next to het IJsselland ziekenhuis (the department I ended up at (the closed vicinity))], came for a consult, because I didn’t want to go home [back to unnecessary fights] and I was still in pain. (But het IJsselland ziekenhuis is very small, so their policy is very much oriented on getting beds empty quickly. What my grandfather had, didn’t have to kill him.) The pain made me scream. This kanker idioot told me to act normal, because he was trying to talk to me. And that I should go home to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I replied: “So you spoke to my parents? [I did not tell him it was my mother’s birthday.] I can barely walk.” 

He told the nurses that they should give me lorazepam instead of painkillers (that’s why I want that license) and that I’m not allowed to go to the “psychiatric hospital” myself, but that I should be tied onto a brancard (like a mummy) “because he heard that I’m the type of person who runs away”. [I wonder how many people survive psychiatric hospitals… Those medicines and their treatment is deadly. The mental states they consider so severe, are actually nothing. Those “doctors”, who think that they are “above the mind” should be the patients.] In the way he explained what a psychiatric hospital was, it sounded like it would also be with beds, like in a normal hospital, but then for people who are so crazy that they can’t be in a normal hospital. (The idea freaked me out, but I found it still better than being trapped at home.) 

Stupid flashbacks 🙁 . I’m so tired, still 🙁 . But I haven’t showered in two days.  I feel nastyyy…. I should be careful, though. The density of the air could cause me to faint again. But I don’t want to feel like a nasty cat anymore… I’m Sheba 😋. 

Wish me luck xxxx [I’m “home” alone now…]

~~~

20:59 (08:59 PM) 

I made it 🙂 . I’m even more tired now, though. And I’m hungry again 🙁 . I’m such a petje 😽. I’m going to attempt to cook spinach and add it to the pasta. I know it will go so very well with it 😀 . After eating that, I’ll be going to bed. But not before telling you good night and maybe write some other things to you, als ik inspiratie heb haha.

~~~

21:24 (09:24 PM) 

This will get me through the night, without me getting hungry, I hope… 

Meow 🙂

I don’t know what to talk about… I feel very powerless in this situation, with the weakness of my body and everything… In between uploading that picture and typing this, I had a short moment of feeling light headed again. Luckily no blurry sight (yet?  🙁 ). Meow 🙁 . 

I often say write, instead of type. That’s because in real life, I adapt my language. It depends on who I’m around. This is a “deeper” form of self-expression. 

Maybe a Cishe would restabilize my heart rate… I really think it would. A Graeyniss companion is what I miss. 

Wat betreft some other writings of mine: often use passive voice to not expose people. Since what is on here, is “engraved into the internet”.

I’m already full 🙁 . But then I’ll get hungry so soon… Ah meow x_x.

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to put this into the fridge and go to bed.

Good night

I love you

xxx

21:30 (09:30 PM) 

Aah meow 🙁 . I totally forgot that I have to twist my hair… From sleeping on this, it will get irreversibly tangled:

Meow 🙁 . I feel like wearing a jacket and scarf inside, by the way. This country is far too cold. And artificial heat is not the same… That can’t be healthy…

~~~

Blog, Images, Nederlandse Tekst, Online Diary

Friday, January 4, 2019

00:18 (12:18 AM)

Yesterday’s mission was completed 🙂 . I wrecked my brain doing it, but at least I won’t pressure myself to make a beat myself any time soon now that I uploaded one.  Check it out 😀 .

I’ll be closing things off, finish my pre-bed bread and fruit and set an alarm to call the doctor at 7 AM, hoping that I can get helped today. I already have palpitations thinking of what I should say, when I’m asked why I need to see a doctor.

I’ll be like: *waits until receptionist is done with her introduction* “Ehm… *shaking voice* Goedemorgen, met Dominique Elia… Ik ben geen patiënt bij deze praktijk, maar verblijf voorlopig tijdelijk bij de familie *beep*, die wel bij deze praktijk ingeschreven staat, en zij hebben me geadviseerd [geadviseerd, zo van ik ben echt ziek] om contact met u op te nemen. Op advies van een arts uit Duitsland, moet ik een urinetest doen om te achterhalen waarom er witte bloedcellen in mijn urine zitten en waarom de infectie die zich daarbij voordoet niet weggaat na antibioticakuren. Het was mijn oorspronkelijke intentie om het onderzoek in Duitsland voort te zetten[, omdat ik een trauma heb aan het Nederlandse zorgsysteem]. Nu ik ook erg last heb van koorts, lichaamspijnen overal en andere klachten, heb ik toch helaas sneller hulp nodig. [Even though I was on a path of comitting suicide. I want to experience painless existence, if that’s possible.] Daarom wilde ik vragen of ik de test met ochtendurine bij uw praktijk zou kunnen doen en misschien ook de arts zou mogen spreken.” [Mention: “Ik ga dan dus nu mijn ochtendurine ophouden (en kom er meteen aan).” “Klopt het dat het adres *beep* is?” “Laat de arts alstublieft mijn Nederlandse medische dossier niet als referentiemateriaal gebruiken. Ik neem de onderzoeksresultaten uit Duitsland mee.”]

Oh meow 🙁 . These Cuddlepains 🙁 .

I’m going to shutdown my laptop, shut off everything downstairs and go upstairs to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Good night

I love you

xxx – 

 07:13 (AM) 

Good morning, my Cuddle 

Something typically Fangish happened… I just set my alarm for 7 am, so that I could maybe still be helped today, because of being early, but the practice opens at 8…

I’ll be holding in my morning pee, attempting to sleep until 8. Meoow my temperature feels higher than yesterday 🙁 🙁 . I dreamt that they told me to come on Monday 🙁 . I’m scared I don’t emphasize the seriousness of my case enough 🙁 . I think I’ll start with explaining my health complaints, instead of that officially I’m not a patient there… I’ll keep you posted xxxx

~~~

08:32 (AM) 

My dream (of nachtmerrie, beter gezegd) was a sign 🙁 . They said that I need a note of reference from my own phycisian, to see a specialist for that urine test, but that I can still visit for the fever and other health complaints I have now. I told them that that fever is not really that much of a problem – all they can do is give me pills for that, and I don’t want that anyway – so I thanked her and hung up. 

I was about to rid myself of my morning urine, when suddenly I realized contacting my fleh phycisian is inevitable. So I called and explained the thing with the white blood cells. Initially, I was asked to come over on Monday morning. When I mentioned my current health complaints, the receptionist asked if she could call me back, and that she’s going to call another phycisian – not that bitch who called me incompetent, thank god – and that they might have a spot for me around 11 o’clock. I then still rid myself from my morning urine, after asking the receptionist if I should. 

So now I’m waiting for a call back, while finishing my fruit ontbijt.  I don’t know what else to eat yet. 

Cuddle? 🙁

~~~

09:14 (AM) 

Oooh my god. It’s not even on Monday that I can be helped.  The receptionist consulted my phycisian, and she finds it weird that the examination wasn’t finished yet [that is such a fucking long story that I just said fucking nothing, because she probably just wants to fucking call me incompetent again godverdomme], so she wants to see me herself and see what’s up with that non-continuance. I do not want to fucking see her. But I have no fucking choice. My palpitations are beating my heart out 🙁 . Grrrr I don’t want to see her, because I might fucking fang her. My life is in her hands and she just keeps fucking claiming that I’m insane.  I feel not taken seriously 🙁 . I wish I had enough money to go to doctor Cuddle 🙁 .  Maybe I should ask someone to bring me to him… Fuck my phycisian, man, that whole fucking practice should be closed. What if she fucking forces me to take antipsychotics again 🙁 . 

I’m so sad 🙁 . I’m going back to bed. Wtf… I might have fucking cancer – there have been found cysts before, and now this infection doesn’t go away – and my body hurts all over, and she’s making me wait for 4 days, while I could have been helped sooner, just because she wants to continue the shit she started last time. I want to fucking emigrate 🙁 . But on this pace, that will take decades. I don’t want to feel pain and negativity anymore 🙁 .

~~~

11:37 (AM)

I can’t stop thinking of what happened 🙁 . By my choice of words “and see what’s up with that”, it sounds like she gives a fuck about my health. But this is exactly how it went when she called me incompetent. 

Why I worry about this, was because the receptionist ended the conversation with that I should first do a urine test at the practice, before they might decide to refer me to a specialist. Mijn urine moet op kweek gezet worden, en in Duitsland kon dat gewoon bij de praktijk zelf, maar hier moet je daar blijkbaar voor naar het ziekenhuis. 

Het probleem in Duitsland was dat ik voor mijn verjaardag naar Berlijn was gegaan, en ik twee dagen daarvoor dat doktersadvies kreeg om die ochtendurinetest te doen, maar dat ik toen twee uur bij de artsenpraktijk vandaan verbleef en ik niet zo lang mijn ochtendurine op wilde houden, plus had ik niet genoeg geld voor benzine voor zo veel langeafstandsritten. Met de verwijsbrief van de arts, heb ik geprobeerd om medische hulp te zoeken in Berlijn, maar zonder enig succes,helaas.

Wat betreft mijn medische onderzoeken, krijg ik daar van mijn ouders amper steun in. Net als mijn huisarts, zijn ze veel te eager om me aan de antipsychotia te krijgen. Maar nu ik die aortainsufficiëntie en hartkloppingen heb, mag ik daar niet (eigenlijk nooit, ook door de afwijking die ik heb wat betreft enzymen die medicijnen afbreken) tot gedwongen worden. Dit is in het verleden meerdere malen gedaan, en officieel “waren ze nog niet klaar” met hun treatment, maar iedere keer dat ze me hebben willen ambushen, was ik op tijd “van de aardbodem verdwenen”. 

All that had to happen at that doctor’s practice, is that a phycisian had to give me a note, based on the findings in Germany – that I had to go to Germany for this and pay more than €2000 of my life savings, all because that bitch finds me incompetent, while the second opinion showed that I’m right and she isn’t, is outrageous – and that with that note I could continue the process of making a diagnosis, in a Dutch hospital. I don’t even want to be helped in a Dutch hospital. Especially not the one she will refer me to (location based partnership), where my grandfather died and they put me on the drip without knowing what I have and refused to give me an MRI. 

That the main phycisian, my phycisian, who owns the practice, necessarily wants to see me, instead of the other phycisians who work there, who are available far sooner, is not a good sign. This because one of those other phycisians referred me to the hospital – not my phycisian – and when I was transferred to a mental institution, and I made another appointment to see that same doctor who referred me, in the hope that she would help me prove my case and get me out of that system, I was told that I could see that other phycisian, but at the practice, my own phycisian was suddenly waiting for me, and she said that I’m incompetent and that she wants to speak to those people from the psychiatric industry, to see if they could make the statement of me being incompetent official. 

That she now doesn’t even believe that there are white blood cells in my urine… Even typing in caps lock, wouldn’t express the anger and pain I feel. Why they are still there,  is basically because I would literally rather die than put my fate back in the hands of that psychotic bitch. If she wants to continue her thrill seeking nonsense, in which I could lose all of my rights, and get an IBS, I should start looking for a (BopZ) lawyer… The problem is that I’m extremely broke and my phycisian, my parents and those two mental institutions are one team, and I’m by myself, still actually experiencing The Head Cuddle, but I have to lie about it, to them, because otherwise, they force me to take antipsychotics (I know, because I’ve been stuck in that shit for more than a year). I’ve been telling them all kinds of random shit, most of which not even true, because I was forced to have therapy sessions with them, and they have logged everything. In their way. And I’m not allowed to see it. (One of the things I’d/I’ll tell my lawyer, if I’m able to get one.)

I need eyes on me. If no one supports me and confirms my right – this has to be done by someone other than myself – I might be absorbed by that psychiatric industry again [I’m talking about the experimental world war two [why capital letters] type of shit, modernized], and no one will notice. Just like last time. Things like cameras and other ways of recording are forbidden there, because the things that happen there are so inhumane. Ik zit er ook niet op te wachten om weer tussen TBS’ers te komen zitten. 

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night, because I worried about my dependency on these health care people – en die zorgen waren terecht – so at some point I decided to look at old pictures on my phone. 

I so love the Google Photos app!! Even pictures that were made with phones I now don’t even have anymore, are still backed up on this device. 

In the timeline of my pictures, it’s visible that I was fully offline, when I was stuck under surveillance: [I made screen shots of the pictures I want to show you 🙂 ]

The things I was going through, I didn’t want to share with those who gossip, and I was very afraid of the consequences of recording those inhumane circumstances

Those random pictures from May, were because my PR business was on a budget the way D.O.C.I.S. International is, and I needed simple background pictures I intended to edit. 

This is what I intended to do, in 2017, but then my father refused to invest in me, and my B couldn’t be my subject for that Georgia Tech assignment anymore 🙁

TimeHeroine stood for “heroes of time”, as well as click bait, but those psychiatry motherfuckers thought I was taking hard drugs… Fucking dumb psychotic bastards…

My old business card 🙂

My sister and I, in Nassau, on the Bahamas, in the Summer of 2016

Againn look at us being Cuddle… That psychiatry shit has driven us apart, now that everyone is educated to tell me that changing the world is impossible and I will never see my B 🙁

My old glasses 😀 . I miss them… And that used to be my favorite shirt.

Here I was even younger

And here’s post-psychiatry me…

Other pictures I took, when I uploaded that Instagram picture

The type of face I make when I correct myself

That full picture I put on Instagram. My account is deleted now. No regrets 🙂

My transfer ticket, when I went from Baltimore to Miami

I was fang flexing. Miami gave me a tan

Me when I started working, right after coming back from the US

Me around the end of the Summer season… In the beginning, I was eager to speak to clients, but the way it’s uncertain what type of person I’ll speak to – someone normal and polite, or some wild sensation seeker who wants to rage at me [that “is normal”, in that industry] – was having a very bad influence on my heart

I worry about if my phycisian will ask me what I do for a living. I’m not earning from my websites, so that doesn’t count at all. I don’t want to go back to school and I don’t want to apply for routinous jobs – but with my diplomas and age, that’s all I can apply for – so she might use that to back up her case of me being incompetent 🙁 . I would literally rather die than do that meaningless routinous nonsense. I would do that, if they threaten to put me under surveillance again. 

~~~

13:28 (01:28 PM) 

Oh my god 🙁 . So not only do I have an aortic insufficiency of the first degree and very regular palpitations… I also have tachycardia 🙁 . [If my heart rhythm were to be stabilized, would my aortic valve then close again?] My mother just texted me, that the bill from doctor Cuddle’s practice came in, and that includes the listing of a diagnosis I did not know of yet. 

How the fuck am I still alive…

Causes for it must be being underfed [I often starve myself, when there’s no healthy food to eat. Like today. And yesterday… I couldn’t even eat a quarter of that kapsalon we had for dinner], stress, anxiety, (formerly) cannabis [if I knew, I would have quit smoking earlier], alcohol [not that much…?], the pain I’m in, that infection in my body, all of those fucking antipsychotics, and maybe I have Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome, since I used to faint a lot as a kid, and now I often have loss of muscle strength. 

Why do I have bad luck so often? 🙁 The amount of figurative “slap in the face”-moments, in a day, where things play out in my disadvantage, is unhealthy 🙁 . I don’t want this anymore 🙁 . 

For my heart rhythm to ever be stabilized, I need to have these Graeynissis in my life. I feel legally unsafe without them, because I can be captivated by those psychiatry people whenever. Also, when it comes to love and being able to express myself: I can only truly do that with them. Those who can live in life’s routine, without wanting to die, have a different way of being themselves and a different view on what love is. To them, all might seem good “again”, when I’ve gotten myself behind a desk in some office. That while in my view, it’s the most unbearable and painful situation I could ever be in. I think my Graeynissis can understand that feeling of hidden inner panic – because you have to stay professional [something I’ve unfortunately passed on this blog plenty of times now] – that comes with being trapped in such a situation. I think they can also understand why I find that to this day, I live through a situation of injustice. Only if I were to have cheering fans, my name might be able to be cleared. Please be my wild Graeyniss? 🙁 

Als ik tachycardie heb, had die persoon die een hartfilmpje maakte, in dat gesticht, om te “bewijzen” dat ik die kut pillen in kon nemen, dat toch ook gewoon moeten kunnen zien, trouwens? Dat is moord… Daar zaten er, naast geen THC, trouwens ook zowel witte als rode bloedcellen in mijn urine. 

l’m so tired, but I can’t sleep, because of the pain 🙁 . Cuddle me pleaseee 🙁 .

~~~

18:00 (06:00 PM) 

Heeyy ♥

I’ve been able to sleep a bit, but I’m still a tired petje. Tomorrow is the first weekend of 2019. I want my situation to be at least a slight improvement, but how can I do that? 🙁 I’m still living in someone else’s house… Here I’m more safe than at home, when it comes to psychiatry, because the people who monitor me, have the Rotterdam region as their territory. 

But I’m so unproductive, when it comes to having a reason to get out of bed every morning – that is something I do miss, but I want it to be for an occupation that suits me – my life is far from what it should be. It feels far too “being a couch potato”, to now again spend tomorrow indoors and the day after as well, while the family here has been working all week. 

Having an occupation that allows me to leave my bed and house each day, will get me more respect – respectlessness and people assuming that I’m stupid, because I don’t do regular proletarian shit, is soooo very frustrating [ik zou het zo fijn vinden als ik terecht met “u” aangesproken zou worden. Dan voel ik me ook comfortabeler in “u” zeggen… It will also feel quite sexy… This respectful tone combined with mutual attraction 😻. Haha I’m random 😀 ]  – but my health [and depression, but please do not tell those psychiatry people that… They can’t keep me because of that anyway, because their pills and shit conversation won’t change that I prefer death over a proletarian life and when I attempted to commit suicide, when I was in that institution (it was that hell-ish), they kept going on with the schizophrenia bullshit and did not even try to recall and help the reason why I tried. She just called it “wanhoop” [because I feared never being able to save myself from their surveillance, and she was basically right]. I’ve never heard anything more heartless…] limit(s) me in what I’m able to endure. I feel constant pains – for quite a couple of months now, and it becomes worse every day – and get tired very fast [probably because of my heart condition and the infection]. 

If there’s one thing that can get proletarians pissed, it’s saying that you have a health issue that keeps you in your bed all day, while it seems like you function normally. Then it always leads to: “Yeah well everyone wants to lay in bed all day.  I had/have *long dramatic story about health complaints of that person [still not comparable to what I have]* and I still go to work every day.” Ah meoow how do I get a house in a secluded and noiseless area?  🙁 I don’t want to hear TV or people citing TV ever again, unless it’s something from me and/or my Graeynissis… Or see signs of people “living the TV life” [I mean spending most of free time with self in front of that screen, not truly thinking].

All I’ve eaten today is a bunch of kiwis, an apple and a granola bar – that bread with cheese, bread with sausage and kiwis before going to bed last night, I don’t really count, because my digestive system seems to never stop, and I was hungry again after a few hours already. It feels like the semi-natural edible products I can eat, from supermarkets and/or toko’s [very not good for the environment, by the way…], I’ve eaten so often already, the thought of buying groceries literally makes me feel like vomiting [but I hold it in, just like my tears]. As if it can still give me scheurbuik. I did think of buying some exotic vegetables at the toko, but I’m completely out of money [okay I have €25 cash, but that will probably be used for travelling expenses 🙁 ] and with the current state of my health, I cannot go outside. Too much pain, fatigue and high temperature. Deze bewegingshoofdpijn is echt vervelend 🙁 .

So I now risk some serious nutritional problems I can’t solve. The solution lies in emigrating to California [and growing my own fruit and vegetables], but I currently don’t even have money to travel to whatever workplace I need to work at least 40 hours per week at, to be able to somehow afford to emigrate. Ah meow 🙁 .

I need to invoke a shift in this deadly situation of mine, but how? I wish I could receive the honor of getting some of a Graeyniss’ free time in real life (again) 🙁 . I miss these Sweetnissis 🙁 .

It, by the way, feels far too random to lay sick in bed all day, in not “my own house”. But I’m so tired of my father raising his voice at me, because I “don’t have a fucking job”.

~~~

20:48 (08:48 PM) 

I just ate a piece of a mandarine. A part of it was starting to grow fungi, so I skipped that part. Meoow I need my own house 🙁 . I’m not very able to go downstairs and socialize. I also feel bad for not contributing to the household and being a bedpet all day. Not that I would receive complaints about that. Not here. In “my own home” [I can better say “my “father”‘s home”], I do get complaints about that. I think that’s why I now always feel pressure, when I’m laying in bed around not-bedtime-hours. 

Light makes my headache worse, too. I feel like a bit of a creep laying here all day and then going downstairs at night, like a bat

Will fate continue to turn my life into more of a complete hell, more than it already was, somehow [compared to what I used to say about my path growing up… I never expected my life to become this, all because I thought I could trust certain (health) care parties]? Everyone can read what injustice I’m living through, and solving this in a way we could both benefit from it is very easy, as I have explained it plenty of times now, yet still I’m left for dead. That hurts me the most 🙁 . 

My form of social anxiety is keeping me trapped in bed [but giving a speech wouldn’t frighten me at all]. I’ll have to go downstairs, because I’m far too hungry, but it just doesn’t feel right 🙁 . 

Why aren’t we real life Cuddles? 🙁 

~~~

21:21 (09:21 PM) 

I’m still in bed… I added some text to “Van mezelf tot mezelf”. 

By the way, what I had to think of, when I was not typing text on here, is how unhealthy (Dutch) hospital food is. Especially in the institution. It was the same menu every week and it included sooo many artificial sweeteners. [Yet still I always looked forward to “salmon with mashed potatoes, spinach, butter sauce and a lemon slice”-day… It was the most edible of all menu options. On your birthday, you get a special container with (hard, cold and sour) fruit.] Meoow I don’t want to experience coming Tuesday. I’m in doubt if I would rather die or not. That fleh has contributed to my PTSS, and I wish to ne-ver see her again. I go crazy (with hidden inner rage), thinking of seeing and hearing her.  I reallyyy don’t want to see her 🙁 .

My mother says that she’s willing to take me to doctor Cuddle. There, too, I feel ve-ry uncomfortable of the thought of having to explain why I want to make the appointment [why do people not just read my blog and let me know about that… Then our conversations could be so much deeper 🙂 ], in semi-German/English… 🙁 I’m in full bed pet mode 🙁 . This is all too much shit 🙁 .

The conversation could have been like: (*I call* *phone number is recognized?*) “Met Dominique” “Door je dagboek verwachtte ik je telefoontje al. Je staat ingepland op zaterdag om 9 uur ‘s ochtends” [Bij wijze van… In Duitsland kan ik op zaterdag terecht…] “Dat is geweldig! Dankjewel! *Stelt misschien nog wat in-dept medische vragen/vragen over de afspraak, als de tijd en het karakter van degene die ik aan de lijn heb dat toelaten* [niet iedere werknemer wil moeite doen]” [Dat doe je ook niet elke dag… Ik denk dat mijn statistieken afwijken door het refreshen.] [Voor “u” heb ik esn eigen huis nodig, nietwaar? Is mijn dagboek te moeilijk voor wat ik beschreef in italics?]

~~~

22:07 (10:07 PM) 

Another reason for me to not attempt to go downstairs, is my loss of muscle strength, combined with my fear of falling down the stairs. I already have a headache… But for the sake of not passing out and/or tachycardia “taking the best of me”, I’m going to eat something… Hunger makes my English lazy…

~~~

Audio, Blog, Media, Popular Posts

Sample Demo

“Sample Heaven” was what I called this at first. It was my objective (on January 3rd) to make an audio file in one day, which gives an impression of what “my sound” would sound like. This MP3 file is made with the lite version of Propellerhead’s Reason.

As you might be able to hear, the limited amount of “music layers” which can be added in one file, because it’s composed with a lite version, made me get tired of the loops I put together, quite fast, so variations follow relatively fast after each other. Unfortunately, my patience and budget leave us with this. To make “Sample Heaven”, I’ll need the assistance of a producer. This is a very quick impression of the style of music I would like to make in the future – among other things. So here’s “Sample Demo”:

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Thursday, January 3, 2019

13:33 (01:33 PM) 

Good afternoon, my love ♥

How’s my Sweetniss [ = person who is sweet, in Cuddle ] doing today? I hope all is Cuddle 🙂 .

For me, things are unfortunately less Cuddle. I have a fever 🙁 . Je kan een eitje bakken op mijn voorhoofd. That’s how high my temperature feels. Does anyone want some?

Ooh shitt my egg still had a bird in it… Still petting….

I need a Cishe 🙁 . Okay… That would make my temperature rise even more [get it? Because you’re so hot in a sense of attraction 😀 ], but it would still make me feel better…

I don’t want to leave my bed today. But that will make me feel more unproductive 🙁 . I want to be useful and deliver a contribution to society for which I can receive a compensation 🙁 . Oh meow 🙁 . Yet all of this writing is readable for free… It would be read even less if I were to monetize this, I think?

This being so broke I can’t do anything or go anywhere situation randomly got so much worse. At the beginning of yesterday, my bank account wasn’t that close to its limit. But then that donation, the interest for having my account on minus [what the actual fuck… I receive 0.8% interest on my savings account monthly and pay 9.9% “debetrente continu limiet”… Wat voor een conjunctuurbeleid is dat? Ik noem het “crisis”… Met uitgaven stimuleren maken we de aarde leeg 🙁 . Vroeger waren die percentages veel hoger. Hoe bepaalt de overheid het rentepercentage van een (geprivatiseerde) bank?] and my monthly health insurance fee, which has increased from €109.95 to €117.50 per month for 2019 were deducted. And the €8.37 for groceries, because I wanted tomatoes and feta cheese in the salad, and I bought two tiny cans of canned tuna, to make a spread and/or salad with. I’m now financially trapped…

Does someone want to give me some Cishes and give me some “sickness food”? Like a soup with exotic vegetables. Taking care of this catje might make you able to claim some mantelzorg cash. (I wish I received that when I took care of my grandmothers. (I still don’t understand how they “fell” and got bruised/injured both on the same day…..)) I wish I had some sexy nurse Graeynissis… Hahaha . That would mean very good food prepared with an overdose of love, good conversations and still being able to continue to work on my endeavors, from my bed. Meow . Ahh what’s with these Graeys and the way they’re so hidden from me? 🙁 I need these Cishes .

But since I’m not able to move your body towards me – it has to be your own independent decision – I’m going to eat the mandarines and granola bar I took upstairs with me last night – first food of the day – take a quick shower and eat some more. xxx

~~~

17:18 (05:18 PM) 

For some reason, it’s impossible for me to leave my/the bed before 4 pm… Around that time, I get the Family will be coming home… Must… Act… Active… pressure and I rush myself through showering etc. Still using men’s soap to hide my sweat odor from my aortic insufficiency.

I had some left overs for second breakfast¿

Now “Studio Fangs” is semi-“back online”. Haha 🙁 .

After disconnecting and disconnecting the internet, it worked, after the 6th time x_x

Haha why do I do this, while my brain wants rest… All because I said that I want beats… I need a producer meoow. But the beat I have in mind sounds awesomeeee . I hope I can make a good replica of it. Then I can put it on my Spotify account 🙂 .

Ah shiitt I really need to go to the doctor’s, if I’m going to stay alive… Being alive should not hurt, then. I don’t want treatment. I just want to know what I have…

~~~

18:25 (06:25 PM) 

Okaay I’ve outed part of my health complaints and Jam has now sent me the number of their phycisian. I’ll be calling tomorrow morning. I’m already having palpitations from thinking of it. The receptionist asking me to explain my entire case in less than a minute, and those words deciding if she says “Just take an aspirine,” or allows me to make an appointment… It is important that the doctor does not use my Dutch medical records as reference material.

A Dutch fast food classic is the kapsalon, which I’m eating now. Shout out to the man of the house getting me this:

I’ve not eaten this in sooo loooong

My objective is to finish that beat today.

~~~

19:28 (07:28 PM) 

Oh mijn godd mijn beat is al gevaarlijk lekker, en hij duurt pas 34 seconden….

I’m writing down all I’m using – this is a lite version, so that’s why all is so empty – so that I can remake this beat, whatever happens… I’m traumatized from data loss…

I’m excited 😀 . It’s the sound in music I miss…

I don’t know if I’m allowed to earn from music made in this lite version. I think I’ll also upload my old EP. The files from that were on my external hard drive, I think 🙁 .

Haha this instrumental song – I want to sing and rap on it, but I will not do that without a studio anymore [my EP “Revenge of The Nerds” sounds so awkward because the audio is recorded with my phone…] – includes a split second of the sound of a woman’s moan’s sample (not mine haha). I hope it will help me get people to like this beat. I loveee it alreadyyy.

~~~

Art, Blog, Images, Online Diary

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

00:25 (12:25 PM) 
My growling stomach indicated that it’s time for my pre bed meal, so…

Yehesss 😀

I’ve never uploaded a picture of me while I’m cooking, but I’m most often in pet mode while I do this, and the lighting….

What I fried the egg with

I’m drinking jasmine tea with this… Meow .

Where I was before this? After coming back “home” from the party, where I was very awkward and it is and was eating at me, playing games on my Switch and writing that other Dutch post. I often write posts without mentioning anything about it in my diary.

All of this blog posting, is something I do, because otherwise, I would have no ways of being able to express my true self. I just keep explaining the benauwende situation I’m in, hoping that someone notices me and saves me. I don’t mean benauwend in the sense that anyone is actively torturing me or anything, but I just need to be assisted in an environment that truly suits me. It’s the inner rage of mental and physical loneliness.

By the way, you know how in any movie/series/whatever the person owning a huge corporation is most often the bad guy? (It’s most often a guy… (Ugh movie females are most often so passive and dramatic.)) I think that’s why most people assume that I’m evil, without them even knowing what I’m trying to do. (I don’t want to use a word that gives me palpitations when it’s used in the context of me, but that’s psychotic as fuuuuuck…)

When I was playing a boxing demo [that word reminds me of when I was in EMC, and there, just like at Bavo Europoort, people were struggling with giving me a diagnosis (they just completely ignored the clearing my file part), so at some point I was invited to give a “demo”, where I had to discuss my case in a small lecture room, where all the psychiatry related doctors were present. And then I was given those official diagnoses you can see in 180 Days of Fangs… Domme klootzakken… Ik hoorde dat er een zwembandjes sale was ergens 🙂 . ], while SBS6 was on, and I heard a girl collected more than €10000, by diving into the water every day, from the Summer until her nieuwjaarsduik [diving in the cold can get you sick 🙁 ]. She was sponsored to do that. The money is used to build houses in Africa somewhere.

I have not raised or earned a single penny with this, and what I do is historic. Do you understand why I want to die? Ik ga echt niet weer 40 uur fucking klantenservice shit doen. Dan kan ik ook niks posten hѐ. Where the fuck do I sign up for doing simple shit for a lot of money? That way of generating funds is such crazy non-value…. My project really is fun 🙁 . The easiest way to understand is by either letting me put it into practice, or letting me make a drawing of what it looks like. I currently don’t even have money or space to make art. Ah meow 🙁 .

I’m going to bed. Tomorrow… I don’t have a reason to go outside. I do want to. But for what… It’s cold, so no long solo walks 🙁 . I’ll make a beat and draw some 🙂 . I hope I’ll get a response to that book sized email I wrote, since that meow now almost doesn’t have a holiday anymore…. My last resort employer… Sexy cattttttttt…

Good night

Sribi switi [ = slaap lekker = sweet dreams (is what comes closest to it… It’s actually “sleep good”, but that doesn’t sound as romanticized as I mean it) ]

xxx

03:39 (AM)

Meow ♥

I already had quite some trouble falling asleep, and then, suddenly, somehow – maybe it was The Head Cuddle¿ – I thought that maybe I wrote the date on that second Dutch article incorrectly. And I did. Of course, it’s 2019 now, ha-ha.

I’m still tired, so I will continue to attempt to fall asleep. Reminder to self that I elaborate on my issue with generalizations on gender later. I speak of tomorrow, earlier in this post, but I mean today, after waking up.

Ciaoo xxx

~~~

08:34 (AM) 

My growling stomach indicated that…

It’s peanut butter jelly time…

Haha I’ll again be closing my eyes sooon. Mind you that I still haven’t seen a phycisian for the white blood cells in my urine, which might influence my very frequent hunger. I now find all hunger too soon, because I’m so tired of the act of cooking. Every for me edible thing a Dutch supermarket has, I’ve eaten a zillion times in my life already.

~~~

16:47 (04:47 PM) 

Hey 🙂

I saw that I have some cash left in my wallet, so I’ll use that to buy pencils and a sketch book 🙂 . Then I can show you my design for that cape I mentioned a while back :D. I also feel like eating spaghetti with a lot of vegetables, so that’s my other reason for going outside today 🙂 .

I feel quite stupid… The staircase here isn’t even suitable for what I intended to do to myself. I have to go home for that. My parents finding me, feels like a more comfortable way of saying “fuck you” to them. All my life, they’ve been telling me that they’re good parents. As a child, you easily mime what your parents say. That you have a semi-well paying job, doesn’t directly mean that you’re a good parent. Neither does not having a drug problem and not attacking your child whenever things are not going your way. That they use that as arguments as to why they’re good parents, is very vomit worthy.

With things like jumping in front of a train, there’s still a very slight chance of surviving (there was this documentary I saw on national television…)… I don’t know how I’m going to pull it off, but this is just my fucking last day. My life just doesn’t make sense and I hate being stuck in it. I should have just done it on New Year’s.

~~~

21:49 (09:49 PM) 

Here’s a sketch-ish drawing of the cape I spoke about a few posts ago:

My pencils aren’t sharp enough for the glasses with a similar design and I’m tired of drawing now, so she looks a bit evil… Because of the in between space, the needles won’t hurt the person who’s wearing the cape. By pulling the triangle, you can put on the capuchon. The male’s design is different around the shoulders. 

I try to show a different balance between a formal and informal style of clothing. A fur collar is relatively informal, and so are spikes, but I think it still looks quite formal. Purple would have been a cool color, too.

The colored design has a smooth looking type of fabric, because I used the fine liner too fast, but actually I prefer it geplooid like that drawing on the right.

For our polygamous wedding, I’ll make some cool designs, too. (Haha funny use of tenses. As if it’s planned…) I would love to live with all of my loves in one big house .

I’m a tired petje now… I also made a salad for dinner in the meantime. Apparently spaghetti was already planned to be today’s dinner, because the grandchildren were visiting. We played on my Switch and drew together.

I used tomatoes, olives and feta cheese with some pre cut supermarket salad packs. The dressing was made with oil, mayonaise, oregano, soy sauce and garlic.

Before I started with the colors

My heart hurts 🙁

Je snapt toch wel dat ik er helemaal doorheen zit

Oh my god :'(

The raising billions using PayPal thing doesn’t feel comfortable at all, by the way. I’m “glad” no one has donated anything, besides myself. That one euro has vanished into thin air. I’m going to take the thing offline. Tomorrow… I’m tired 🙁 .

My one very important rule my life, is that I should leave it before my Cuddles and Graeynissis do, because I cannot physically and emotionally exist without them. Not that we are that right now, socially. I’m still alone…

The trippiest thing about being where I am right now, is that I have so many belongins of mine here, that I basically can’t move anywhere else without help of anyone. And that I’m far too broke to travel.

The sign up deadline for a next year of study at The Open University, is in 3 days. I don’t have the money to enroll. I’m also not enthousiastic about studying.

My head is spinning with future related worry. In the end, this world is still so dumb, faulty and meaningless, I don’t know why I keep letting myself be exposed to all of this pressure all of the time. The only way to escape it is by dying. My bank account is on – €497,03 and my limit is – €500. With the amount of cash I have, let’s say somehow I would get hired, I could travel there, but I wouldn’t be able to travel back home.

On the gender thing: I hope the men who are my audience – from my statistics (and real life sort of haha) I know that my websites aren’t doing well with the majority of women – aren’t staying away from me, because they think I’m like the passive women who keep emphasizing that they don’t know about most things that are going on in reality, and cry over broken nails and shit. (It sounds like torture being in a relationship with someone like that.) You might also know that I won’t blow my entire income on shopping for clothing and other shiz. You have seen my entire wearable wardrobe at least six times by now.

I want to have your heart… Figuratively, of course. With my love, I want to make you feel the best you have ever felt. Please be mine 🙁 . We kunnen zo veel waarde aan elkaars leven toevoegen. Een gezinsleven is niet de essentie van het leven. We moeten het beste uit elkaar halen, in een creative en routinevrije context. You’ll always feel loved and be happy and free, surrounded by truly like-minded people.

The stupidity of this world would not be a disturbance anymore, when you’re with me. Please be my Cuddle 🙁 . I don’t want to die alone 🙁 . I don’t want to feel the feeling of loneliness anymore.

I just finished my pre-bed-meal. I’m going to sleep. I’m so tired 🙁 .

I love you so much, you’re the reason why I’m still alive.

I wish I could be with you

Sleeping alone sucks big time

Good night

xxx

Blog, Online Diary

Van mezelf tot mezelf

Dinsdag, 1 januari 2019

Het was een heel gewaagd eerste artikel, gister. Ik wil echt niet eerst moeite doen om gewaardeerd te worden in Nederland. Wanneer het aan komt op entertainment (en dan nog niet eens te beginnen over politiek en/of het zakenleven), is Nederland de meest (onnodig) koude en harde jury aller tijden. Niet alleen de proleten thuis op de bank. Ook de “media grootheden”. Iedereen blaft zijn of haar koude en harteloze mening en lacht daar zelfs vervolgens om. Want dat is wat humor is, tegenwoordig. Je hebt er geen hersencellen meer voor nodig.

Iedereen heeft altijd iets te klagen over het werk van een ander, maar zelf zouden ze niet eens een betere prestatie kunnen leveren. Daaaaar zouden we het eens met zijn allen over moeten hebben, op een internationale schaal. In plaats van over de gewichtstoename van wie dan ook. Alle massa media worden nu gebruikt voor oppervlakkige onzin, en dat wordt dan goed entertainment genoemd, terwijl er veel serieuzere dingen te doen en te bespreken zijn. Wat ik in mijn vorige Nederlandstalige post aanhaalde, bijvoorbeeld. (Jaa ik ga het toch echt niet oplepelen, als anderen er ook geen moeite voor doen. Nederlands van me, hѐ?)

Ik schrijf veel in het Engels, maar het Nederlands is nog steeds mijn eerste taal. Ik kan me dus ook makkelijker in het Nederlands uitdrukken. Maar ik wil echt de Nederlandse markt niet smeken om een klein beetje waardering, en dat ze dan achter mijn rug om gaan lopen zeiken. I don’t want to trap myself in a snake pit 🙂 . Natuurlijk heb je overal mensen die slangen zijn (that’s a metaphor/metonymia… I use that a lot in both Dutch and English [I’m saying that I’m not a schizophrenic]), maar hier heb je niet eens de ruimte om ze te ontwijken… (Haha dat terugkerende zinsdeel vind ik grappig. “Overigens vind ik dat Carthago verwoest moet worden.”)

Het voelt alsof ik gevangen zit in dit land.  Ik wou dat ik veel tijd zou kunnen doorbrengen met mensen die me zouden willen uitleggen hoe Nederland achter de schermen werkt. Sinds de privatisering [ik noemde een keer Den Uyl toen ik “Vader[tje…? Verkleinwoorden in die context give me creepssss] Drees” bedoelde…? Dat heb ik een soort van op school geleerd. Maar uiteindelijk ben ik een zesjes student – want je moet uiteindelijk de visie van de leraar kennen om een goed cijfer te kunnen halen, dus besteedde ik meer tijd daaraan – en ik was er zelf niet bij, in de tijd dat die mannen aan de macht waren, plus heb ik mijn vele vraagtekens bij Nederlandse geschiedenisboeken, dus kan ik hier niet echt een standpunt innemen. Schapen die alleen maar denken in voors en tegens, zullen moeite hebben met het begrijpen van dat statement.] is het eigenlijk helemaal niet meer duidelijk wat nou precies onder de Nederlandse overheid valt. Vooral nu we misschien anders zullen moeten gaan schalen [dat is zo’n zin die ik gewoon uittyp, die vijf verschillende dubbele betekenissen heeft, maar ik houd ze voor me. Doe ik wel vaker…], wil ik daar graag meer duidelijkheid over. Personal interests………

Cuddle?  😀

Ik denk dat dit gewoon een artikel wordt, waar ik steeds dingen aan toe ga voegen, als ik eraan denk. Of als ik ze kwijt wil, beter gezegd. Dus dan ga ik nu de datum toevoegen aan de bovenkant van deze post.

Wanneer ik in het buitenland ben en ik zeg dat ik uit Nederland kom, dan worden mensen vaak heel sentimenteel en zeggen ze dat het een geweldig land is enzo. (Nadat ik zeg “It’s where Amsterdam is.”) Meestal wil ik dan zeggen: “Ben je er weleens geweest…?” Maar ik wil hun positief lijkende stemming niet beïnvloeden met mijn traumas en depressiviteit enzo.  Ik vraag me ook echt af waar dat enge sentiment vandaan komt. Alsof iemand ze bedreigd heeft ofzo… Ze deden nog net niet hun hand op hun hart terwijl ze spraken…. En dat terwijl bijna iedere Nederlander in hun gezicht lacht,  en ze dan achter hun rug om helemaal belachelijk maakt.  Ik ben zelf ook regelmatig slachtoffer van dat soort dingen. Vooral sinds die vermissing. Daarvoor was het ook al zeer regelmatig raak, hoor. Het begon al met racistische kut ouders van kut kinderen, tijdens kut Sinterklaas, op de kut basisschool, die me met die zwarte spawn van Satan vergeleken. Grrrrrr…… Nee ik doe niet aan oplepelen. Niet vandaag. Ook niet gister. Komt door de hartkloppingen.

~~~

Woensdag, 2 januari 2019

Ik vind het echt hilarisch [eigenlijk niet] dat ik het begin van deze post had geupload met “januari 2018”, in plaats van 2019.

~~~

Vrijdag, 4 januari 2019

Ik denk dat het toch beter is om losse artikelen te schrijven. Op die manier komt mijn filosofie beter tot zijn recht. Het is ook best een vorm van overbelasting, dit artikel, aangezien ik in mijn dagboek ook vaak in het Nederlands schrijf. Ook wanneer het niet in die categorie is ingedeeld. 

Waarschijnlijk zal ik sowieso heel veel opnieuw moeten categoriseren. Het valt me op dat een artikel alleen regelmatig wordt gelezen, wanneer het in de categorie “fotografie” zit. (Viespeuken…) 

Dat terwijl vrijwel iedere dagboek post foto’s heeft. Dat met die screenshot van statistieken en dan het plaatsen in de categorie fotografie, was bedoeld als een grapje… Omdat ik toentertijd wilde dat het gelezen werd. Natuurlijk heb ik in het echt een veel beter oog voor fotografie…

Als je je afvraagt wat het belangrijkste is om te lezen, is het eigenlijk mijn hele dagboek. Of “op zn minst” (voel je niet gedwongen, though), de samenvatting, genaamd “180 Days of Fangs”. Mijn casus is zo lang, dat ik echt niet zo lang je aandacht zou kunnen houden, als ik het in een gesprek aan je zou vertellen, wanneer je er nog niks over weet. (Dat geldt ook voor mensen “die mij kennen”.)

So that means the end of this article…

~~~

Blog, Images, Online Diary

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

00:00 (12:00 AM) 

My love ♥

Just a minute ago, the time indicator on your phone said “2018”, the way it did all year, and now, it says “2019”!!! And that for another year!!! Apparently that is a reason to pollute the environment with fireworks and get veryyyy intoxicated. I get the getting intoxicated part. I hope you’re having fun, wherever you’re at. 

I’m here, all by myself. War veterans and I are silently going crazy on the inside. I hope no one blows up the house I’m in 🙂 . 

Especially on a day like this, I am so not in the mood for sentimental shit. 

But I do have “resolutions”: becoming fully honest towards everyone, even when my words might lead to heartache for the other person [I kept from doing it, because I know how it feels, so very well], and not being surrounded by people who won’t change the world with me, anymore. That means that I either will have to commit suicide right now that I’m alone here, or I need to be saved by a fucking miracle. I hate the resolutions part of New Year’s, because it’s more of a formality, than it really is something that is used for its usefulness. 

This is the first time in my entire fucking existence, that I’m not with my parents on this reocurring twelve o’clock moment in life, on the first day of a new year, and I do not have to hear their wishes for me, for the year. I’m quite glad about that, because it always includes what I don’t want myself. 

Wat een teringherrie buiten 🙁 . The only thing stopping me from comitting suicide right now, is the thought of my family friends coming back home and finding my lifeless body. I did take the rope with me, I tried to choke myself with, when I was in that mental institution. It’s the rope from my grandfather’s old bathrobe, he wore very often, before he passed away. I’ve been given it, to use it as my own bathrobe. 

I mentioned sending people after twelve messages. I’m not in the mood for sentimental shit. My sentiment has died completely already. I can’t even try. And I don’t want to hear any semi-encouraging or whatever words. No one even fucking knows me. It’s frustrating to hear people talk as if they do. 

To clarify that borrel sentence… Yess party hard. It’s sarcasm, right? HAHAHAHA

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love that I don’t celebrate this the way I usually do. 

Do you know what I can’t stand? When people put so much effort in attempting to prove me wrong. 

I do fucking hate that I’m still not with you, and you just keep staring at this, while I’m so fucking approachable. I love you 🙁 . We shouldn’t feel alone 🙁 . 

It is better to feel alone all alone, than to feel all alone, surrounded by people. People like me are hard to find. It must be less than 1% of the world’s population. How can we cuddle?  🙁 It will be the best cuddle we’ve ever felt 🙁 . 

Oohmygaad I’m so hungryyy… What to eat?  🙁

~~~

00:48 (12:48 AM) 

It was either this, or yesterday’s bami, and I like variation, so:

What to eat after this?

I don’t know 🙁 . 

I wish I wasn’t broke, sad and without true love. The script has reached its maximum with me now. I can’t even try anymore. I’m out of fake smiles and other façade related shit. People always say that I should be myself around them, but they wouldn’t know what to do, if I’d do that, for sure. I’m not like them at all. That’s why. 

~~~

00:57 (12:57 AM) 

Another reason why I don’t want to commit suicide, is because then the truth about me is still unclear, and people who I’ve spent a lot of time with might give sentimental speeches about me, in which they express their care.  I then can’t barge into the ceremony and say: “That’s a lie! Where the fuck were you? You knew what I was going through and you didn’t give a fuck.”

Haha I still haven’t even finished that bottle. I’m a slow drinker 🙂 .

~~~

01:27 (AM) 

In case you thought that I was bullshitting you, I’m not:

I don’t even have that fucking bathrobe with me

But if you’re saying that I’m doing this for your attention: believe me, I really want to die, and either my spirit will haunt you down for making that heartless statement, or you’ll regret it in some other way. 

I demand some fucking serious Graeyniss in my life, because without that, my life has no purpose. The hope for that Volta, which includes living with Graeynissis only, is the only reason why I keep hoping to see another day. But I’m so fucking tired of hoping to see you. It makes me feel worthless, because I keep staying alone. What the fuck are you doing? 

I’m going to play some Nintendo and go to sleep. 

Good night, person who influences my heart rate

[Of course I need to wait until the “war zone” sound is over, until I can go to sleep.]

xxx – 

13:25 (01:25 PM) 

Hello 🙂

How long are we going to keep letting me do this? 

The “My Cuddle, I’m giving you my exact location, this is how I feel, this is how causality is playing out today. All I want is to see you. It has not happened again, today.”

I still really feel like dying, the way I’ve been feeling since age 10, but if you say that too loud, you might end up locked into the closed vicinity of a mental institution, and from there those feelings could get even worse. 

In the institution, they take away from you anything you could use to harm yourself. I had to hand in my razor and perfume bottle and stuff, when I entered. They didn’t think of taking the rope of my bathrobe.  Those suicidal thoughts have never faded, but it’s useless talking about them with those people there. You won’t snitch me, right? 

I’m doing the usual being in bed with hunger pains. Dying from severe malnutrition, accompanied by my malfunctioning heart, and breathing problems caused by the biochemical dysfunction of my spinal column, were what I’ve been silently hoping for, since that moment I chose to shun my parents, after they ridiculed me for my hope for a better future. 

At that time, staying silent really seemed like the right thing to do, when they kept raising their voices and it was clear to me that we were never going to reach a consensus.  I didn’t know that that was going to make me lose touch with my dear friend and only client, and get me stuck in the psychiatric system. If I knew that that could have happened, I would have spoken my mind instead of said nothing, but I’m certain that those words would have gotten me a black eye. If I wouldn’t have lost touch with my B, then, we would have done an international project together by now. 

But if it weren’t for the traumatic shit I’ve been living through for two years straight – because before the psychiatry shit, there was other shit – I wouldn’t have met this meow Vicje. Not that I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with him either, but he, now, too, has been on my mind so much. 

Is knowing that someone wants to die and then continuously making hurtful and heartless statements, indirect murder? 

The sky looks very beautiful today. 

I haven’t deleted my ASKfm account, because I do still enjoy answering some of the questions on there. 

~~~

14:47 (02:47 PM) 

I’m still being a bed petje. I read some of my old posts. That cigarette on my birthday was gebietst from my aunt. I smoked 75% of it. I hope that was my last cigarette ever. I do not have smoking cravings, it was more because I went to my room first, because I wanted to be alone, but it felt so socially weird to be in my room by myself, on a house party, so smoking a cigarette became the alternative. 

In (Dutch) mental institutions, closed vicinities have a smoking area. Haha in the hospital, there’s an area for smoking indoors. I was so bored there, that I’ve smoked my lungs out. The worst part of it, is having to ask a nurse to light it, because patients aren’t allowed to carry things that are dangerous. There’s nothing more humiliating than people assuming that you’re so incompetent that they expect you to flame the entire hospital, if they were to allow you to carry around a lighter. 

I speak of mental institutions, because my memories of being there, keep causing flashbacks. I’m in my bed, at my family friends in Amsterdam. Look:

My face is too petty 🙁

Meow 🙁 . If I decide to not keep thinking of creative ways to end my dreadful physical existence, I should, in my posts, too, reflect on the previous day. The problem is that doing that without writing it down, already causes such intense heartache and palpitations. 

But if I wouldn’t have hung out with the grandchildren of the family friends I’m staying at, I would have been able to give into my suicidal tendencies more. I worry about their future even more than I worry about my own.  The way the generation in power educates future generations is just…. Hopeless… I don’t know how to describe it more elaborately. I wish I had a good example to follow. 

Playing games with the intention of continuing to play, because there’s no better alternative to fill in time with, causes crazy tention, when you only play to win. 

Ohh I made this picture when I finished classic adventure mode with Kirby:

Meow 🙂

I’m hoping to unlock zero suit Samus soon. She’s my favorite character. Not only because I’ve mastered her controls the best of all characters in the game. (I used to play this on the Nintendo Wii, too.) She’s also fucking sexy 😻. Looking at her move gives me low key extra breathing problems haha. I’m such a random catje 😋. 

I seriously wonder what causes my natural almost deadly response to attraction. Around my B and/or Vicje I have the same breathing problems. Around my “Fisci”, too 🙂 . Even though it also scares me, because I get so much less air that it feels like I can faint at any time (when I look at zero suit Samus, things don’t get that extreme), I love it, too. Because I know that part of the fear comes from the worry about if the feeling of love is mutual or not, and that fear, including the fear of heartache, must then lead to breathing problems, aside from my spinal column being a cause as well.

It sucks that my only reason to leave this bed is food. And I don’t know what to talk about, downstairs, now that I didn’t celebrate New Year’s with them and I’m still alive. Just randomly in their house. Awkwardly staring at Jamiro’s arms whenever he’s around. (I’ve been using your soap, face soap and face scrub, by the way… And that joke about pulling plugs when parents get older was so fucking hilarious, I could still laugh about it right now.)

Meoow for the sake of honesty, I feel like just laying here, until the hunger makes me faint, but then the thought of the pain my body will be in when I wake up, and then still just somehow having to go downstairs to make myself something to eat… I need an investor, so that I can make the “KFC skin” scallops I’ve been dreaming of for months. 

When it comes to love and business aspirations with the same Graeynissis… I really believe that it goes hand-in-hand. But only with me, you can do something like that, I think. Since I don’t do quarrels, and my heart beats for you and my endeavors. (I guess making it plural covers it better.)

I act as if I’m not deeply in love, because a lot of people don’t believe love and business go hand-in-hand. Only when it’s fake love, it doesn’t, I believe.

Those who receive The Head Cuddle, are already fully informed with the real state of my plans. I find typing it all out quite a waste of energy, because who the fuck reads this and why would I put so much effort in attempting to make it clear to others, of whom it’s not sure whether they would participate in the final state of my projects. 

Υαρομ δε φυκ δου υε νικσ? 🙁 Λατεν υε ονσε πλανην φορ υερβετηριν οπ εεν εκολογισ υειλιγερε πλεκ υοορτζετην. Δατ ζεγ ικ εγτ αλ δε ήηλη τηδ. Ηαηα τηδ κλινκτ εγτ γραπιγ ιν δη ήηδ Κυδδλε. 

Ι δου νοτ κνο υαι Ι σαιδ τήτ ιν Δυτσ – μηβι βικυζ Ι στιλλ φιλ ρι(ε)σπονδιβηλ φορ συμ ριεσον – βυτ υου κην υνδηρστηνδ αλλ μαι νισσ σο μεου :Δ (ΗΑΗΑΗΑ). ♥

I’m talking about my physical realm – future’s origin¿ – of course. I know you’re doing a lot already.

~~~

16:25 (04:25 PM) 

The bed pet update:

😀

This is the most hilarious character ever ahahah

~~~

18:00 (06:00 PM) 

My reason for leaving the bed is now to have dinner at the mother of one of the family friends I’m staying at, because it’s her birthday today. 

No further thoughts shared on that. I was playing NBA 2K19. I must say that I miss the practice modes from the previous NBA games. 

Here’s my player. He’s named Sexier BedCat, because first I made a player named Sexy BedCat, but I gave him the position of point guard, because that’s the position I should play when I play with men. But I’m more used to playing power forward, because that’s what I play when I play with women. 

Haha he blinked for the picture

The best I could do haha

Haha yaay

~~~

18:44 (06:44 PM) 

I’m still at this. 

Haha godverdomme

Pre party breakfast

19:03 (07:03 PM) 

Outside Fangsss 

Jam had to go back for een blikopener and I don’t know where it is soo

I’m chilling heree. I see him running towards me now. Be right backk xxx 

~~~

20:03 (08:03 PM) 

I did not expect to be at a party today. The way I feel on the inside does not suit a party setting at all.  I don’t understand the being invited part. I’m not really able to socialize. I wish I could,  but I really have nothing to talk about. 

The soup was very nice

And so was my dinner. This picture was taken mid-eating

I should be talking about things and making jokes the way everyone else does, right. What is there to say, seriously? I’m digging into my brain for things to say. Here, there’s nothing. All I can think of is that I intended to be dead right now, and for some reason I’m still here. I do not fucking know why. 

When it comes to injustice and the things addressed in 180 Days of Fangs and Lil Fangs for President (still unfinished), I hope I’ve been able to sketch the powerlessness in my situation clearly.

What should I do now? I’m staying in Amsterdam, with the friends of my parents, since the moment I came back from Berlin. Most of my valuable belongings are there. It is my intention to move out from here and not go back to my parents, because my father kicks me out every time I do something he doesn’t like, and he has such different intentions for me, compared to what I want for myself. It doesn’t even fucking matter what he wants for me, because I am the one who has to live through that.

Going from Amsterdam to Den Haag every day is going to make me collapse within a week for sure. I don’t even know why I haven’t collapsed yet. Or why I haven’t burst out into tears yet. Why is my façade such extremely thick layer?

~~~

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