Good morning ♥
Last night was so awesome :D. It was like a movie! Meoww I want to tell you all the detailssss. But first, I need to finish my breakfast and pack, because check-out is at 11.
Were you expecting apologies from me for what happened, on the same scale as that reputation damage campaign was held? Because I still seek for that opportunity (and some dignity)...
What happened in 2017 still emotionally affects me and limits me to this day. I find it very important that you know my side of the story and me well, for I want to be your future leader. I am capable of being that person. The campaign did not include that information. As well as many other things.
In FangCatje I share my most recent self-analysis with you. It includes more than how I feel: I also explain what a propagandist does and what my goal as a propagandist is. And more :) .
The introduction of FangCatje can be read here:
You could also use the texts to learn Dutch and/or practice your English :) .
"Catje" means "cutie I cherish" in my self-created dialect called Cuddle. It is pronounced as the English word for "cat" and the Dutch word for "you": "cat yuh".
- xxx -
Good morning! 😀
I’m back in my hotel room. My work out was niceee.
I’m now going to get my razor and shaving cream out of the car, shower and shave – haha meoww I’m such a hairy cat right noww, seek for a cheap place where I can have lunch, get a massage, probably take a nap, then I have a dinner reservation at 18:30, swim when my food is digested and then – if I have some energy left – wash my hair etc. Oh, before I go to the garage, I should call Sixt to ask if I can return the car a little later, tomorrow. I have too much luggage to go to my final roof above my head – the Airbnb – by public transport.
Meoww I took so long to shave, that I won’t make it to find a cheap place to eat, before my massage. I really can’t miss out on that, because my muscles are crazy tight. I’m eating some almonds right now.
I think I’m going to apply for a job as game tester/translator… I don’t have any university degrees or any years of working experience in anything relevant, so my options that semi-suit me – when it comes to the challenge and the income, even though I’d rather have more of both – are functions in customer service, or functions related to writing and/or translating. The way some Dutch customers became aggressive, when I worked for the car insurance department of the Royal Dutch Automobile Association, has traumatized me, so I think game testing is better for me.
What I would much rather do is, as a sole proprietor, do something with strategy, working with numbers, a lot of writing, a lot of reading and a lot of brainstorming.
This was for sure one of the best massages I’ve ever had! The tension in my shoulders is crazy, though. She had been massaging it for quite some time, and it still didn’t fade/still kept coming back.
I wish I had a partner who I could give a massage every night, and get one from him[/her, since I’m bisexual, but B stole my heart, so this is an indirect reference to him]. I wish this partner were my partner in crime, in doing the challenging form of mental labor I described before. If our lives are intertwined like that, negative emotions will vanish, and never return!😻 I think that then, I’ll finally have someone in my life who can relate to my thoughts, actions, feelings and emotions. I’ll be able to relate to that of him/her much better than of that of people with less challenging ambitions.
My heart really doesn’t want a job that doesn’t get the maximum out of my capacities. I need to think about how to get that occupation – before November 8 lol – and what to do with my business website, then. Also, I really need to start looking for the right place/people/person who can teach me more about the economical and political history of Europe, from a non-Dutch perspective.
I think Berlin is the perfect place to pick up where I left off my study on how the system works. I started with researching the background of what I was taught in school. After my finals, I started to study past and present propaganda. Now, I would like to know how exactly national and international financial chains are set up, how politics really work – but the real version that includes lobbyists and social media and stuff, not the euphemism I’ve been taught in school – and how other countries describe the timeline of history.
Berlin is the right place to start, I think, because in school, I’ve been taught that the collection of agreements between countries, which ended up creating the European Union, started after the second world war [give me a good reason to capitalize the letters of the name of a war¿]. I’ve been taught [but I’m not sure what to believe, since the cold war was described as a “good vs bad”, while we should have been taught an unbiased perspective. I don’t know what else is biased] basically that “in the name of Adolf Hitler”, Rotterdam was bombed in 10 minutes, after the Netherlands surrendered right away and that before that, Poland was bombed – but in the teaching, the situation of Rotterdam was, “of course”, emphasized. This because Hitler, who was against the existence of certain “races” [they teach that he hates Jews, but that he might have been a Jew himself], wanted more “Lebensraum” for his people… Now, it could be possible that in other countries, the story is completely different. But this was what I had to learn for my gymnasium finals.
The German parliament is located in Berlin [I’ve been taught that Hitler “probably” caused the “Reichstagbrand” to win the elections and call out the emergency situation where the government is allowed to ask everyone’s ID’s and stuff], so I guess that is the right starting point to research other perspectives.
I also want to know what other countries say about the role of the Netherlands in the whole thing, because I think that even for “Lebensraum” – which sounds like such a random reason to start the whole thing – attacking the Netherlands is a waste of ammunition. After slavery was abolished, their Golden Age was over. This is what I know, because I’m from Surinam, and my grandfather has taught me my personal history. This is not in their history books. They used to earn from kaapvaart and other illegal shit.
Now, Google translate says that “kaapvaart” is “privateering”, but the definition of “to privateer” sounds much more innocent than “kaapvaart”. Kaapvaart is what “illegal pirates” do. Stealing from other countries and stuff. [They say Britain made a deal to sell opium to China and in that way stay in control over them¿]
I also think that it’s dumb to teach children this from AGE 4 [I used to feel like I was born in hell]. Especially those whose parents are easily manipulated, who manipulate their children. I know people who “hate Germans and Belgians”, “because of their history”, even though they have never crossed the Dutch border or only go to these locations abroad where only Dutch people go. [Just like they hate me for being black. To me, they do fucking express it.]
You should check out a Dutch history book for 10-year-olds. [Fast, before they suddenly change it, because I don’t think that they want other countries to know the shit they teach their children about them.]
I have often failed history tests, because I stuck to stating my answers as “the book says” and not as “these are real facts”.
Anyway, after their Golden Age was over [they, by the way, in history books, state that they fucked up Antwerp’s harbor to make Rotterdam the biggest harbor], I think they suddenly felt very small and vulnerable, which is why they need(ed) the European to [HAHA] “keep their heads above water”. That’s a literally translated Dutch saying, “het hoofd boven water houden”, which means to (financially) survive.
A lot of my fellow Dutch students used to tell me that they hate studying history,”because it has already happend in the past, so why do they have to study it now”. I didn’t enjoy some chapters in history, because I don’t understand why they put the emphasis on that. For the final exam, we had to know “everything” about world war two, and the chapters about the slavery colonies of the Dutch, were skipped, “because it’s not important”. It’s the reason why I was born in that fleh country :(. So I think it’s ve-ryy important.
Haha omg, the Geography teacher I had in my second year of “de middelbare school”, on gymnasium level, used to make all kinds of biased (racist) statement about people from Surinam. She used to say shit like: “Surinamese people wear fake gold.” [My gold isn’t fake…] “Surinamese people believe that they don’t have to go to work/school when it rains.” [In Suriname, it can rain just as bad as in the Netherlands – only in Suriname, there can be a power outage in the entire city, a few times a week, because of the rain. People just continue to live their lives…]
Throughout all the things they teach about history, they make it seem as if the status of their country is a challenge, and they “want to be the best of the world”. 99% of the people with a Dutch nationality I know are nationalists, who say that in the Netherlands things are better than in other countries. [E-ve-ry single person is so biased against Russia. I must say, because of the stories I’ve been told, as a black person, I’ve also been very hesitant with going to Russia. Now, if I don’t go alone – because I can’t read/speak Russian – I am very interested in going there. They say they are so racist against black people, that they kill them. During the international exchange, black people weren’t allowed to participate in the exchange with Russia.]
Flood the place? I think the world needs further unification. That’s not possible if this one international deep state party is solely out for sole profit. [I don’t want to sound Dutch, but “I’m safe now, far away from those dikes, so…”]
I also think the Dutch have made people from other countries very insecure, by saying “Dutch is very difficult. It’s the opposite of everything you know.” I’ve met people who think that in Dutch, “no” means “yes” and “yes” means “no” and other nonsense. Dutch is a simplified German dialect. German has “Fälle” [“cases”, Gtranslate says]. Dutch has been simplified that far – and still even the most high-ranked, formal people make so many mistakes in their language – that there are no cases anymore.
Dutch: “Ja, ik ga met de auto naar de supermarkt.”
German: “Ja, ich gehe mit dem Auto zum Supermarkt.” [I did this from the top :D. I did after-check it, only to see that I already wrote a correct sentence :D.]
Do you see the similarities?
I don’t know why, but every single person I meet abroad, who knows about the existence of the Netherlands, always says “Oh, that must be such an amazing country.” I always respond with something like: “I guess….?” Because I don’t want to fuck up their positive energy. Actually, I want to say: “Have you been there? The majority of people there is already biased against you, without even knowing you.”
I wish I could translate some Dutch television shows for you. They state their freaky nationalist shit and biases on national television!
Me being declared a schizophrenic has soooooo been in their advantage. I now risk that people won’t believe my words and people not wanting to work with me, without even knowing me, solely because of the label I’ve been given.
It has been a “financially risky” move for me, ordering that glass of Remy Martin XO, but I’ve told myself to just make the best of it and hope for the best.
[On Friday, November 1, 1996, 21:15, this wild Cuddle came into existence.]
Good morning ♥
The cold is keeping me wrapped up, underneath the sheets. But I really need to get out of bed, because breakfast is until 10 am.
I expected to feel lonely, but actually, I feel so comfortable and happy about spending this day by myself.
It would be even better, if I could finally meet my dear readers in person, but I won’t spend my time wishing for something I can’t control. As in: I can’t teleport you to Berlin and make you say, “Fuck it,” to your unwanted weekday obligations. That must be your own independent decision.
I wish I could keep the level of comfort I will give myself today, or upgrade it.
So on the 26th my father told me that I can hand in my house key and that if I ever decide to come back, he’s going to make the psychiatry shit even worse. I hope you can understand my reasons why I’d rather die than go home ever again. I don’t feel like explaining this to the people who are brainwashed by the: “You must keep your family close,” sentiment, while they don’t even know why they’re saying it.
I’m going to take a shower xxx
A picture I took before I started to eat:
I haven’t responded to any “happy birthday” messages yet, but they’re starting to pile up. I’m so ready to devote the rest of my life to “making big shifts”, that I’m on the edge of ending every relationship of my past life, which still partially is my present life. Many words are needed to break down what I exactly mean by this.
In a little while, I’ll be packing and checking out. Before I start my 6 hour drive, I want to purchase extra work out pants and go to an ATM. I’ll be staying in a sports and spa hotel, and the single set of work out clothes I had with me, are dirty, so…
I’ll be driving
I’m now near Weimar. Had to stop for gas again. The tank of the Renault Clio I’m driving goes empty very fast. [Online, I reserved a CCMR class car, which contains a 2-door Mini, an Audi A1, or something similar. Is this really similar…?] My style of driving isn’t “””economical”””, without a turbo engine. My top speed with this car is now 203 km/h.
I decided to respond to the text messages I’ve received. Later, I’ll go over my Facebook wall. It feels random, receiving “happy birthdays”, while this is another ice cold day of homelessness, without being homeless yet. My predicted date of official homelessness is now the 8th November.
Cuddles to myself for giving me birthday comfort. The thing I like about this room the most, is that it has a scent similar to Benoît’s perfume/cologne. Super Cuddle 😻
This hotel is so pretty! And there are such handsome staff members 😻. I’m now in the restaurant. I ordered pumpkin soup and entrecote.
After this, I hope I can swim some. The pool is open until 23:00! [I’m used to pools closing at like 7 or something.] There’s a tablet in my room. Meoww the level of luxury here exceeds the price!
For longer than a year, I had been feeling a constant pressure all over my body. I can finally slowly feel it fade. Partially, I don’t know why I now feel this relief, because my current financial status says that I’ll be out on the street by next week Thursday. But I am going to max out this feeling that I always used to have, in the few years [in between age 17 and 20] I considered the peak of my life, which is now coming back to me.
It felt like a peak, because of the way my reasoning had developed itself. My thoughts were so peaceful and I had a perfect overview of everything. This was only on the inside of me. On the outside, I was surrounded by so many people who kept talking down on me. Every time I expressed myself, and I made a positive statement about myself, people tried [try] to prove me wrong.
I think this feeling of inner peace is getting back, because I’m coming closer and closer to leaving my old life behind. Even if I were to become homeless, I still won’t have to spend time with those who inflict their negativity and hurtfulness on me. They always try to tell me: “No, stop it, Dominique. You’re not the kind hearted and ambitious person you say you are. You’re just like everyone else here.” So many people lack confidence. Some have this because they aren’t strong, others have it, because the people who aren’t strong are jealous of them and they talk them to their level.
At the peak of my life, I was confident. After more than a year of modern shock therapy – they did it again, when I went to this psychiatrist in Amsterdam, with my parents – my confidence has been brought down a lot. When I distance myself from that [huge] group of people, who believe that I belong in that world – it’s just that 90% of their conversations is gossip and shit talking, they don’t have much else to talk about, I can’t even act as if I care about gossip anymore, so I think I make up a large part of their conversations behind my back, and they want to keep that “gossip fire on”, so they ask me to stay in their lives – I think this pressure will fade and never come back.
I don’t even like that most of my diary, these people are mentioned, but this is where I vent. I need to make new memories – for that, I need new friends – for this reason to vent to vanish. One day, this diary will become so different and much more versatile.
I just came back from swimming. It was very relaxing! This is sooo chill! I wish I could stay longer…
Here comes the AfterWaterFangs picture collection:
Oh, and I took these pictures earlier:
I’m going to head to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very full day!
Good night, my sweet Cuddle ♥
I’m in the bus
The top speed of my rental car is about 195 km/h, hehe.
I had to stop for gas, on my way back from doctor Cuddle. I received the car with a full tank… The trip to his practice and back was long, but nice. I was very glad to see him. In the moment itself, I wanted to express this and how much I had missed him and that I wish that I could spend so much more time with him, but because other people have responded to a similar sort of spontaneous love expression with words that have shattered my heart into pieces, I was afraid to express my (friendly) love for him. I fear getting hurt again, even though I don’t really expect him to do that to me.
When he said that he does osteopathy appointments only on Saturday and that his agenda was full for the coming weeks, I also wasn’t able to say: “Financially, I might last until Monday next week. I will be stranded somewhere on the other side of the country. Homeless. This might be my last time ever seeing you…” because if I would have said that, I would have burst into infinite, unstoppable tears. When I called to make the appointment, while doing my hair, yesterday, I spoke to a receptionist/nurse and I didn’t say what the appointment was for.
I had in mind for it to include osteopathy and another urine test. Since osteopathy very unfortunately wasn’t an option [but my muscles are so tight I feel like a scarecrow, so tomorrow I should try to fix a massage somewhere¿], it became the urine test and me asking some health related questions. The resurfaced infection in my urine includes white blood cells. When the psychiatrist in EMC told me that there are white blood cells in my urine – I’ve had this very often, she said that it’s something that can happen and she didn’t give me any other type of treatment or advice for it. And now dr. Cuddle said that I should use a sample from my morning urine to let it be analyzed in a lab. On the internet, I saw that white blood cells in urine could be an indication of cancer. My gut has been telling me that I have this illness for soooooo long. Longer than a year for sure. I hope that my gut is wrong. And grrrrr to that psychiatrist for not giving me more information and more options.
My health related questions were about stopping insomnia without medication. He advised me to stay away from cognitive challenges [such as playing a video game or anything else that could get you hyped], go to sleep at the same time and have the same ritual before going to sleep.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep at all. Especially not after seeing this big bug on my bed. I was afraid that the same bug was going to come back and crawl into my nose or something. I ended up writing a tiny piece for D. O. C. I. S., after which I continued to try to masturbate myself to sleep again. Usually, one orgasm is enough. This time, I lost count…
But something else that helps to fall asleep easily – this was not doctor Cuddle’s advice – is driving about 440 kilometers in a day, without having slept the night before. I’ll be napping. I really don’t feel like having dinner by myself again, but at least this time, I can eat somewhere that isn’t close to my hotel. I might check out the city center, when I go for dinner…
I just ordered some dinner, from my hotel room. It will be €22.50 worth of sushi and delivery costs. My heart hurts so much that it’s better for me to not go outside.
The heartache woke me up from my nap, making me feel the idea that I will experience the second lonliest day in my entire life, in a few hours.
For the sake of keeping myself occupied in these final days of this life I know – I don’t really mind missing out on, if my business will never thrive – the drop-off location of my rental car is the Alexanderplatz, in Berlin. That’s about 6 hours from where I’m at right now. I’ll miss out on most of the day, by spending most of the time driving.
I need to free myself from the sentiment that says that a birthday should be a meaningful day that should be memorized. To be very honest, I wish I could erase last year’s birthday from my memory and just not be in the same situation I am now, tomorrow. I’m, however, not in a position to control that, so I should “Stoic” myself to not giving a fuck about any of this and not feeling anything, when I check in to my spa hotel for two nights, and the receptionist raises his/her eyebrows at me after having seen me check in by myself on my birthday.
By the way, I broke my commitment to not using other social media anymore, when I, when I was at the counter at Sixt to pick up my rental car, was told that “in all of Germany, prepaid credit cards are not accepted”. I do most of my things here, with my prepaid card and when I rented a car at Sixt in the US, prepaid cards were accepted, but anyway, I had to call my mother to ask her to give me enough to rent the car, so that I could go to the doctor’s, on my debit account. I later also responded to some other text messages. It feels strange to still have the “hey how are you” “good and you” “good too” “how was your day” “cool I did this and that” etc. conversation algorithm, after having mentioned that I can become homeless, and thus be offline [FOREVER, PLEASE. I think I’ve had enough of that social algorithm, for the rest of my life], at any second.
They forgot my soy beans, during the delivery, I realized after having paid and looking at what was in the bag. I often just assume that I can trust that my simple order isn’t messed up. But it’s just money and stuff anyway. *Do not think about the €3.10 I might desperately need, in a few days.*
After checking out of my spa hotel, I’ll check in to an airbnb apartment, I guess. I prefer a fixed living location. The fixed location of residence I desire is in sunny California, which I can’t afford to go to, at the moment. I’d rather die than go home – not only because I’m too proud to ask my house key back, I’m also so tired of living in the Netherlands, because I’ve lived there for so long, the culture of directness, discrimination and indifference gives me palpitations, and I’m soooooo scared of the dikes breaking this season, or before 2020 – and Germany is very cool, but it’s not my final destination. Again, I’ve been looking for Dutch translator vacancies, and yes, there are some options throughout the country, but I’d rather not go for that…
I want to keep my full focus on my own business. I need to write my butt off and hope that the right person reads it. I’m afraid my emotions will surface, if I continue to write D. O. C. I. S. right now. Already, Fangs is, in the book, sounding far more insecure than she truly is. I stated my birthday as the deadline, but I shouldn’t force it. Especially not, because I stated this for the first time, just a few weeks ago. I then didn’t know that I was going to be in this situation, right now.
I decided to reveal my go to location, earlier – Berlin – because it’s huge. It would be Graet to meet a cuddle on whose couch I could crash.
Currently, I’ve been staying in Wiesbaden, but I’ll check out tomorrow morning, instead of the day after tomorrow. I don’t know why I worry about being chased down by cops, just to be brought back to my room, like last time. There’s no ground for it. I have at least two more years before I need to start paying back my student loan, and I’ll file het bezwaarschrift against the fine I’ll get for not filing my income taxes on time, on time, since my income was and still is €0.00 and the letter from 2016 is from my previous company, which now doesn’t exist anymore.
Good morning 😀
How was your night?
Mine was all right. I woke up a few times, in the middle of the night, so I’m still tired, though. After this, I’m going to take a nap.
I hope that somewhere today, what I transferred to my prepaid credit card, will finally be on there. Then I can finally make a doctor’s appointment and travel to a different city.
I drew on the picture, because the name of the hotel is on the key ring and I don’t want certain people to know where I am :D. [Even though, an often used phrase by them is: “Don’t think that you can keep any secrets from me. I can see everything.” (I’m talking about my parents againnnn x_x.)]
After waking up again, I will have the following things on my list:
Meow… I need the password that was in the letter that was given to me in 2016, to not risk getting a fine for not having filed my taxes on time. That letter is at home… I hope I’ll either be able to settle this by checking my hard drive, when I get back to my hotel room, or by calling the “hotline” tomorrow.
What I’ve written for D. O. C. I. S. this far – far from enough – is what I’ve been writing in the restaurant I’m at right now. By myself, I’ll be able to concentrate better. Before I came here, to restaurant *bleep* [haha I’m not telling you my location, like I usually do, because I don’t want to be “found” and taken home], I took a decade to do my hair. I had to wash, condition and moisturize both my natural hair and my wig. After that, I had to make twists of my natural hair, which was what took the longest. I do this about once a week… I wash my wig more often, if it becomes dull looking.
In case you wonder what my birthday wishes are, deep down: it’s Benoît as my real life Cuddle for all eternity and money to pay my living expenses and to have some fun with, plus the right network to get my [then, finally “our”] business off the ground. Reality might be a slap in the face, though, from the way things are looking right now. Currently, I’m planning on making a long trip to a different city, on the day itself. And then swim some, when I’m there… Go for the slightly luxurious options, for the sake of spoiling myself a little, because I just turned 22 and turning 21 was a lonesome hell, just like turning 22 is.
I often think that introductions of books are very boring, compared to the main content. It takes me a lot more time to mechanically write down this scope. I look forward to typing out the conversation.
Unfortunately, I can’t continue writing. I have to get up at 6 am tomorrow.
[My heart hurts from the loneliness that is to be. There are a lot of people I would rather never face again. I already found their belief of me being a schizophrenic, something that was going too far, but I semi let that slide, by staying in touch with them, and look at what that has come to now. They need to realize that they killed the person I used to be, when they started to treat me as if I don’t perceive reality the way it is. Part of me is glad that I’m not that person anymore. I used to do my best to keep my network as big as possible and have everyone as my friends. Now I seek for useful contacts, because I found out I don’t have any. I would rather “workaholic” [as a verb] for the rest of my life, for my passions and my love for this challenge, than spend another second exchanging words without a purpose.]
Good night, my Cuddle
I love you so much
What I transferred to my prepaid credit card, still hasn’t been received yet, but the other bills have been deducted from my debit account, so I’m “back on minus”… Which method to use, to never come back to this level…
My opinions are either working full-time for another boss [honestly, I’d rather die], or receiving engagement from my audience. I think most of the people who are interested in what I do, are much older than me. That’s Cuddle 😻🙊
In this situation, finding my inner peace is even more complicated. As long as I don’t know where my B is and why he is not responding to me in the physical realm, I won’t be able to rest properly. Let’s say it’s because he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore – something waaaaay too many people I used to call my friends have told me – then I think I at least have the right to know why. [I would kill myself. I hold on to the thought of ever seeing him again, to stay alive.]
The other factor is: “How to buy a house that suits the status I want to obtain?” I need at least two degrees to earn that through not my own business. It feels incorrect to want to do high segment international business, but to live in a social housing project. In the beef, my father said: “Who do you think you are, to be too high class for social housing?” This dumb motherf***… I have never said that I consider myself too classy. I mean, if there really are no other options, then of course I would do it. But it’s a waste, let’s say I’m going to work 40 hours a week to earn to pay my rent, to spend 45% of my income on the rent of a house I don’t want to grow old in and I actually don’t even want to live in. Then, it would be better to save up and live with my parents. But now that they want to take even more serious measures, living with them is not an option anymore, to me. I feel quite comfortable in this hotel room, besides the fact that I don’t have many options to work and/or entertain myself outside.
When it comes to my finances – a form of stress that is constantly eating at me – I can basically become homeless at any moment – which is still better than going back home. My parents could have supported me in moving to California with soooo much ease – besides having to cover up money that is earned illegally. It’s earned that way for no reason, if you don’t even spend it (efficiently)… [Efficiently as in: move out of that house, if you keep using it as a data center; give your children/family/friends something, do some charity stuff… He has also absorbed all heritages and stuff… Never in my life have I earned something from a heritage or family property being sold…]
Today, I’ll buy some essentials that I will need for the rest of my life as a travelling cuddle. The last time I ran out of money, I asked my mother for help. The options she gave me – I wanted to search for a job and an apartment in California – all included her buying me a ticket back to the Netherlands and me ending up working and earning to pay for social housing myself. But still, what she rented for me in Enschede, was enough for me to use to live in California. Especially if you would add the one way ticket price to that…
House keeping wants to do their things, while I still need to shower. I’ll be “right” back…
Something that causes inner ferocity to this day, is that I’ve had at least one “investment fund bank account” [the translation of “polis” as the word “policy” is incorrect in this context]. The money was frozen until I turned either 14 or 16. My father always hides behind the argument: “You don’t know how to keep your money.” And “It’s my money,” because he paid the deposits. He said that he was going to use it to buy a new piano. (It was €14.000…) He didn’t buy that fucking piano. God knows where my money went. The new piano, that was placed in the house last year [more than 4 years later for sure], was bought by my grandmother [mother’s mother]. The piano we had before that, was bought by my other grandmother. [Two middle fingers for the psychiatric nurse who said: “The last time I saw you, you sounded so very grateful towards your parents. You said that they gave you a piano. Take your medication.” She fucking misinterpreted my words.] R.I.P. to all of the business ideas I’ve had when I was younger, he didn’t want to invest in…
How do you say “Berliner bol” in German? The sugar covered bread filled with jam is called that, in Dutch. I used to go to the bakery with my grandmother on a specific day of the week, to eat that.
Above and below this text, you should see very short videos about me talking about hoarding cheap essentials, now that my account isn’t maxed out yet.
I’ll explain my financial strategy a little more extensive:
Just like when I was in the US, there will be a moment where I either won’t be able to pay for a place to stay or to pay for food anymore. Now, I have all essentials that will allow me to survive (besides that I will have to buy food again). The only thing missing for my strategy is a chain lock, onto which I can attach my suitcase, when I have found my homeless home spot somewhere outside.
By means of saving, I’m eating yesterday’s salad and tiramisu for dinner, today. Another financial measure I’ll take is keeping my bank account empty in such a way, that the insurance company can’t deduct shit from my account and I can pay this to doctor Cuddle.
What I transferred to my prepaid account still isn’t there…? I want to use it to rent a car so that I can visit “a” doctor and then head to this other city I would rather be homeless in than here. There, I’ll stay in the cheapest hotel – my birthday excluded – until I can’t afford it anymore.
After my salad, I’ll go for a run. After that, I’ll finally be able to wash both my natural hair and my wig, since I didn’t pack anything for that, when I left.
Ohh I spotted some eye candy todayy, damn. Not that I engage in that. I wish I had these Sweetnissis as my friends, though. That would be Sweetnissimus :D.
The videos I posted earlier weren’t uploaded properly. I’m now trying it by cropping them with a different app. When they’re done, I’m going for a run.
The running shoes I have at home, have a hole where my right big toe is. So I’m very glad I didn’t take them with me and finally bought new ones.
I just came back from sprinting in intervals and developing my own fighting technique. It was soo chill :D. My intention was to work out for 45 minutes, like my doctor advised me, but I ended up doing:
It’s great for stretching, too :D.
I also just saw that I passed both mathematics and statistics :D.
My work out was in two parts. This was the other one:
When I was younger, we sometimes practiced certain combat techniques, without pads or gloves. My shoulders used to hurt from throwing punches in the air, because I used too much force for a punch that wasn’t received by anything or anyone. Today, when I was practicing, I controlled my technique and force much better, compared to when I was younger. I have practiced pençak silat from about age 6 until about age 12.
I’m going to reason some and then go to sleep. There’s a lot of work I want to do tomorrow.
Good night ♥
The abbreviation in the name of the international business I intend to start, called D.O.C.I.S. International, stands for:
Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 2
Copyright © 2018 by Lil Fangs. All rights reserved.
Sharing content of this book is only allowed when it is mentioned that the source is this copy.
Within the new Standard we shape
Determined and Strategic Decisions, fast like Bliksem
We’ll Create a whole new System
From the routinous Life, this is your Escape
These Words are Written for Unification
Feel my Sincerity
Towards the Power of Our Creation
To See Real Prosperity
Every individual should have the right to live independent from the political and financial systems we have been born into, is one of the core aspects of the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.
The complex of institutions, governments and a lot of things happening “out of sight”, can determine someone’s entire life. The philosophy says that that is wrong. It can give someone the sole purpose of living for consumerism, while he or she actually has the capacity to be so much more than a consumer working to pay for his or her consumerism. Our hearts crave more freedom of choice in the way we spend our time. To some, including me, Dominique Daniëlle Elia, the construction of this system negatively influences the conscious. I am not going to wait around until a person of power makes the societal change I need to see, in order for me to live happily. It includes that Earth needs to be a safe and healthy place for everyone, anywhere. To create this, internationally, D.O.C.I.S. International is my initiative.
I don’t want to be another person who only talks about how things could become better, but never brings real solutions into practice. In this book, I explain to you how I intend to take my steps. To determine the success of the strategy of the organization, Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the introduction project of D.O.C.I.S. International. A combination of research and entertainment, intended to work together on our own compound, in search of more sustainable survival methods, and to inform the public of our findings in an engaging way. I hope that our paths will intertwine and that we’ll write history together.
To fit everything into a semi-modern phrase: “I think Earth needs a make-over.” I think I’ve found a way to make a change and have fun at the same time. You are fully free to decide how you spend your time, when you choose for Re-Illu as your government.
After reading this episode, you are in possession of the knowledge needed to obtain a function in D.O.C.I.S. International. This free episode is written [written, like all other episodes, in the D.O.C.I.S. International type of series] I’m basically trying to start a new society that lives in a different system that is economically parallel [parallel, because people should have the right to choose in what system they live] for the recruitment will be ready to seat yourself in your special Council member chair and provide the world with the changes it needs. If you decide to become part D.O.C.I.S. International network and you become elected, the chair is yours.
Also, you will be fully up-to-date with the past and present of the company and you will know the ins and outs of the fields the organization will be active in and what its strategies lead towards. Hopefully you will participate in the process.
D.O.C.I.S. International is currently a sole proprietor business, owned by Lil Fangs. Her vision for this company, is described in a long conversation between her and her alter alter ego Daniëlle Lucy, who she considers an improved version of self.
This way of breaking down real business content, in an imaginary setting, shows the stances of Fangs in a lot of controversies. How exactly her stances have been established, will be explained throughout the main content of this book as well. Its main purpose is, however, to serve as a guide for those who would like to live by the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International and obtain a position of power, within the organization.
Here is an explanation of the text format:
Name: This is a thought from Name.
Name: “These are words spoken by Name.”
Actions are described in regular prose.
*The intentions of the project, what will stay and what will change, how this will be done*
Lil Fangs: The wind whistles, as it rapidly flows past the closed pink shell. The water is splashing in my face, from the fast movement and the turbulence. The muscles of the scallop are so strong that I only hear the wind and don’t feel it. I try to convince myself that I’m asleep. I don’t dare to open my eyes.
Lil Fangs: Out of nowhere, in a sort of momentum, I’m pushed further into the violet tongue, which is my bed and pillow at the same time. I’m now pressed against it so deeply, that the muscle touches my crown, and the other half of my face is covered in water.
Lil Fangs: Okay, that must have been the landing, about which I’ve been taught in Fang School. It wasn’t that bad. Descending from the Moon towards the Earth wasn’t that bad either.
Lil Fangs: The shell opens. It hovers above the ocean, which has the notch of an inverted cupola in it, which resembles the impact of the shell that dashed down to Earth, the way a meteor does – besides that it hovers.
Daniëlle Lucy: “What did you just see in your Mind’s Eye? From the way you stare into the distance, I know you’re going through a lot of mental images and emotions at the same time.”
Lil Fangs: “It was the introduction scene of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I have in mind, along with what I would truly feel, if what happened in the scene wasn’t fictive. The scene is a short and very literal parody on The Birth of Venus.”
Daniëlle Lucy: “I would love to see that vision in real life! Do you still intend to make that movie, now that the Nosce Te Ipsum book series are under change?”
Lil Fangs: “I appreciate your interest and enthusiasm so much, my Cuddle♥. I would loveeee to make it. Especially because the cast I’ve written down for it – I’m such a dreamer – consists of professionals from not only the field of entertainment… There’s so much information in it, which is a great form of showing that formal functions and entertainment do go hand-in-hand! I haven’t told anyone about the details of the movie yet. If I convince others of the potential success and positive impact of the movie, then the movie will be made, for sure! It’s also a great way to show another way in which D.O.C.I.S. International publishes and it’s a muuuuch better way to reach the masses. Hopefully I’ll get people excited for my alternative ecosystem.”
Daniëlle Lucy: “I’m glad that you are still eager to spread the knowledge you have collected for the series. But you have given me the knowledge of Nosce Te Ipsum to use to write Volta. Don’t you just want to be the person who shares the knowledge?”
Lil Fangs: “I’m afraid that, since the content of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is so broad, at some point it will touch on the lives of every single person om this planet, I should use the version of myself that is fully at peace with everyone and everything, which is you, so that they know for sure, that I don’t have bad intentions. With the project, my power will be as great as that of all presidents, kings and queens in one. You know how the masses are being manipulated into taking sides, without thinking about it themselves. With only mentioning this alias, or our real name, people can already have a negative bias these days. I fear that they won’t love me. I want to be loved…”
Daniëlle Lucy: “I might express myself in a more peaceful manner, but we’re the same person. We shouldn’t sweat ourselves for those who will feel negative about us, without wanting to put in some effort and energy to understand what we do and to understand how harmless our project is. The scale of the project is very large, so the main topics have been spread over several books. Let’s change this conversation around a little bit.”
The goal of Project Nosce Te Ipsum is the recruitment and elections for positions in the renewed D.O.C.I.S. International, followed by all of the community moving to the corporate island state, if I’m able to find good investors… Until now, I haven’t been able to find people who understand the concept I narrow down in my books. I really hope you will understand. The process goes as follows:
Daniëlle Lucy: “I know you are fed up with no one buying your books and that this is having a bad influence on your self-confidence. But you have been studying the system for that long, I am certain that you will find the audience that will engage in your works! I find that you are the perfect person to be the Praesens of Re-Illu. After you have finished my training, the fate of all of The D.O.C.I.S. Community will be sealed!”
Lil Fangs: “It’s tough when you put in a lot of effort into something you’re passionate about and it’s not appreciated enough to make a living from. Really tough… But your words excite me! I love you so much! Thank you for helping me <3. There is this alternative and more sustainable ecosystem I have a strategy for, as part of the new country I want to start. I need my self-confidence back, to present it well…”
The way morals and values play a role in my business strategy, as well as its persistence in its perseverance, will be broken down in this chapter.
In this book, the setting in which the business content is broken down, is imaginary, for the time being, because D.O.C.I.S. International is not yet the multi-component holding it intends to be. The imaginative setting makes it easier to bring up the topics you need to be informed of in order to benefit from the final form of the organization.
The story takes place in The Cuddle Palace, where Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs live, together with the rest of their Royal Resistance. In the Nosce Te Ipsum series [not Project Nosce Te Ipsum, because that takes place in real life] Planet Fang is a planet on which Fangyists live. A Fangyist is someone who looks human, but who has non-human anatomy and/or who follows the philosophy of D.O.C.I.S. International.
Lil Fangs was taken by the hand, by Daniëlle Lucy. While they continued their conversation, they walked across the palace, to a room. In front of the engraved dark oak wood double doors, they stop walking. She now holds Fangs’s hand with both her hands, while she says…
Daniëlle Lucy: “The first thing we’ll train, is your corporate defense. You’ll have to walk through this door by yourself. Every time you need to make a decision, I’ll freeze time, to hear the justification of your choice. To prepare you against your enemy, this is all the information I will give you about what is waiting behind that door.”
Lil Fangs: “Okay… I’m very curious…”
She opens the door. From everywhere, she’s blinded by flashing lights. A hundred people in formal clothing run towards her, with cameras and microphones. An even larger crowd is watching her being ambushed from behind “dranghekken” [translate the Dutch word to your native language. This is a small course in Dutch as well, since that is my native language] the way they’re aligned during the entry of Sinterklaas. They’re yelling all kinds of hateful things at her.
Lil Fangs: Holy shit… These people must be out for dirt… If this were not so, I would have been approached in a normal way. THEY WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN TAKING ME DOWN. WE NEED CHANGE!! THAT WHOLE FUCKING DIRT INDUSTRY SHOULDN’T EXIST!! THEY PROFIT OFF OF WARS THAT DAMAGE HUMAN LIVES – BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH THAT SHIT FOR ENTERTAINMENT??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS PLACE?! – AND THE POLLUTION OF OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENT. Now I know what type of defending I’m getting ready for. Of course, to them, I shouldn’t raise my voice… For a second, I thought that she was going to let me fight, haha. These media people get paid for attempting to destroy my name. Their existence is solely for incentivizing people to talk, and they only let people talk about how we are not succeeding, instead of how to succeed. That’s why I’m convinced that D.O.C.I.S. International should have the primate in publishing media. Everywhere. What we’ll published is focused on prosperity instead of destruction. But it’s only if the majority of people wants it… Is Daniëlle preparing me to work with Earth people…?
A suited up, tall brunette in heels, wearing a black suit and a pink tie, walks to Fangs in a straight line. Her hands are empty. The crowd moves aside for her, the way the sea spread for Moses(?).
Name and trustableness are currently unknown: “Good afternoon, Fangs. Please follow me.”
Lil Fangs: “Okay… Gezellig. Who are you? And where are we going?”
Lil Fangs: I don’t have much of a choice… Is she here to help, or is she here for dirt…?
Evella de Vrieskou: “Oh, sorry for not introducing myself first. My name is Evella de Vrieskou. I saw you being so overwhelmed by all of those camera’s, from my office window. I’m an author for the media publishing company that works in this tower.”
She points her perfectly French manicured nails towards the huge glass tower they’re walking towards.
Lil Fangs: “Oh. What type of works do you write? Are you going to let me wait in your office, until the cameras are gone?”
Lil Fangs: Why the fuck do some people always say that I’m physically expressing that I don’t have things under control? Externally, I was completely silent, so why does she say that I’m overwhelmed? I really don’t like when people want to tell me how I feel and they do it incorrectly. She must have a microphone on her. My annoyance makes me more eager to defend myself. I really am a good leader, and I will let her know.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Haha, no… I’ve been anonymously watching you for a while and when I saw the way you were ambushed just now, I figured you’ll want an opportunity to prove that you are a good person. I quickly approached some of your supporters via social media and they want to help you prove the great potential future success of your strategy!”
Lil Fangs: “Well, that’s great! I have been craving for a good speaking opportunity! My target audience is hard to reach, because it requires a special type of intelligence to understand my words, and the people with that intelligence aren’t enthusiastic about social media either, so I’m very surprised and happy at the same time, that you have been able to find my supporters.”
Lil Fangs: The words I would have rather said, are: “NOT. WITHOUT. MY. LAWYER.” Because I know she won’t argue in favor of me. How do you casually assemble a crowd full of haters to stand there? She’ll probably use this dirt to write a bestseller or something. I stood there for like 30 seconds… There’s no way calling “my supporters” was an impulse she had just now. It takes longer than 30 seconds for her to get out of the building, so the must be part of the ambushing complot…. I’m far too used to fake people acting as if they want to help me and then they end up doing the most hurtful things. This is a challenge for my temper, because I’m so tired of them. It is very important for me to stay calm – so to not raise my voice as I defend myself – because they’ll use that as dirt, too. I might be able to be very loud, but in my strategies, I’m very calm.
As they enter the building, they’re trailed by a crowd of applauding and cheering people. The looks in their eyes makes it seem as if they all just won the lottery.
Evella leads her to the same double doors Daniëlle led Fangs to, in the parallel universe. Before the door, she stops and they face each other.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Aside from being an author, I’m also the host of a very popular TV show. Don’t you know “Het Trending Journaal”? My studio is my office. Welcome!”
She pushes down the door handle and opens it in one explosive motion. This time, the lights Fangs is blinded by the spotlights of the stage she’s walking on to. There are two dark blue lecterns slightly diagonally facing each other in front of something that looks like a formal bar stool.
Lil Fangs: [softly] “Thank you…”
The red curtains are not fully opened. Evella accepts a microphone, then passes Fangs and walks in front of her as she enters the part of the stage that is fully visible by the audience. Fangs stops at the line that indicates the coulissen, as she waits for her announcement and watches Evella’s hips move as she walks and seats herself on the black leather seating surface of the barstool with titanium legs, facing the audience.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Good evening, my lovies. Today, we finally have our chance to speak to the often discussed Lil Fangs. She doesn’t know about our show, so she doesn’t exactly know about what we’re talking about and about how she’s wrong, but today we’ll finally get our justice and answers. You might want to know who her opponent will be, well…”
Lil Fangs: Grrrrr…..
She stands up and for a few seconds she gazes at her audience while she has her arms across her body and her microphone in her right hand. Then, in her motion of turning around, she says:
Evella de Vrieskou: “It’s me…”
And she walks to the lectern that is furthest away from the wings [coulissen], to stand behind it. Introduction music with a lot of bass starts to play.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Please join us, Fangs…”
The audience starts to scream and applaud. Fangs walks towards the other dark blue lectern on the beige stage surface. The sound made her right eye twitch a little.
Lil Fangs: “Thank you for having me here.”
The background beat becomes louder. Evella starts to move along with the music.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Listen, you say your name is Lil Fangs. You think you’re real, but you’re not even doing real thangs. You’re doing all of this, solely because you want fame, and that while you’re not even part of the rap game.”
Lil Fangs: “It’s a shame that you claim that that is the aim behind my name. People like you are the reason I would rather get high by myself. In twelve reasons why my name is this fly, it includes my calm, while untamed in this realm, with this world in my palm. Now that I see your sitcom, this is a waste of my time, you’re too dumb. You don’t worry about flood, while I think of the taste of your blood.”
Evella de Vrieskou: “You’re bad, so just listen. You’re too young to change the system. You’re still at your mother’s house, with no spouse. Not running a big business. Not even in the world of Guinness. You’re a spy in disguise. You lying is not a surprise. After so many tries. No income, yes price. I’m a bad bitch, I need ice.”
Lil Fangs: “Don’t think of me as you when you were twenty two. My intelligence makes me find my own information. I want my freedom and for that I need my own nation. I think I would be hot as a spy, but that’s not what I do so nice try. And I just don’t understand how someone can be able to use an emotional trauma from bad financial circumstances in that context. It’s just a tough audience… How long were you planning to continue with this?”
The music stops.
Evella de Vrieskou: “Are you backing out?”
Lil Fangs: “No. Let’s make this a real debate. What other claims did you want to make about me?”
Evella de Vrieskou: “Only two…”
Lil Fangs: “Please tell me! I’m veryyyyy interested to know.”
Evella de Vrieskou: “Your first start-up, Elia PR (http://elia-pr.com), in 2016, was unsubscribed in less than six months. We don’t expect you to last long with this business either. What went wrong with your previously unsubscribed business?”
Lil Fangs: “I lost all of my clients even before I started to do business with them… I’m so passionate about achieving my goals, that I’ll never stop working on them. It’s a very long story I have been repetitiously explaining throughout my online diary.”
Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean you lost them?”
Lil Fangs: “Just like for this business, I started the business with no investors and a self-maintained website. It was hard to find clients that would be an asset to the portfolio of my business for public relations for individuals.
The two sole proprietor businesses – both owners I knew personally, before I started Elia PR – I was making a campaign for, both backed out when I gave them their quotation. Even though I had one of the lowest rates ever, they refused to pay. They expected me to do it for free, because we were acquainted, but since I started without investors and without savings, I couldn’t do that, so I lost them.
Not long afterwards, I found the perfect client. My sudden extreme faith in him wasn’t appreciated by the two relatives who have authority over me, because they didn’t know if they could trust him, they said.
They went as far as convincing people from the psychiatric industry that the client was a bad influence and that I was in a psychotic state. I couldn’t get out of the surveillance they had put me under, because they were not open to letting me prove my perspective and my authority was reduced illegally, so I decided to run away.
The same relatives then initiated an international police search mission in which they involved my client. There’s nothing more embarrassing than that, when you’re a business owner/your career is your main focus, I think. In their search campaign, they included negative statements about my mental well-being that were false. It is true that the authorities I was subjected to, made my feelings of powerlessness and thoughts of suicide worse, but I never lost my sense of direction. I never left the house in a confused state. It was my own decision to move that way, in an attempt for real freedom.
Yet no one believes my story. They believe my relatives, saying that I have no sense of reality and that me being less happy and spontaneous is caused by that mental illness, while it comes from the emotional damage that their treatment has given me.
I have been able to reduce the surveillance, but – even though I’ve been trying – I’ve never been able to reach that client again. After I lost him, those same relatives forced me to unsubscribe my business. I still feel grief when I think of the moment I signed for its unsubscription. I will never let them influence my business decisions again.”
Lil Fangs: I don’t like telling the same story over and over again… But for the sake of those who do want to walk this path with me, I want to make everything clear.
I hope people understand why I register a business without investors and clients. The investor needs to be paid back in more than full. By postponing his/her engagement, I’ve given myself more time and space to research my audience its behavior and adapt my service to them.
Now, for D.O.C.I.S. International, the time has come to find them. The clock is ticking and it’s getting harder for me to keep my audience’s attention.
Evella de Vrieskou: “How do you mean that you will persevere, when the businesses you’ve started were in completely different branches? And how did you get the idea that you’re able to change the system? Much older and much better educated people have been at that for decades and our world is still like this. And how do you expect to win people’s trust if you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia?”
Lil Fangs: Is she sure that she has been reading my blog… I’ve been explaining the same thing for months.
Lil Fangs: “The goal of the multi-component organization I want my company to grow out into, has never changed. The alternative system is what I live for… Only my approach how to get there has changed.
With the PR business, I would reach my audience by campaigns and the interactive blog everyone could post on. With Fangs/D.O.C.I.S. International, I reach my audience with what I publish and I’m personally approachable for business enquiries.
I need people to accompany me in my creative path, for the business to grow. Both businesses include a large recruitment campaign in the broad range of fields of the multi-component organization will be active in.
Sure, people might have tried to make changes to the system. Some might even have succeeded without you knowing.
The idea of a perfect system is always subjective. I hope that my idea will be seen as perfect by the majority or at least a community big enough to be seen as a minority.
Because of the subjectivity, I do not intend to get everyone on my side. I believe that people shouldn’t be forced to choose a path, and thus it is important that becoming part of the system of D.O.C.I.S. International is a well thought-out decision about which the individual is fully informed. By not making it mandatory, I also have the chance to filter out the best and most motivated people.
I know what needs to be done to set in motion a parallel financial cycle, where we’re financially unaffected by what happens in the other system, and I have the knowledge to give everyone the basic essentials of life and more, including the perfect occupation, for an infinite period of time, with guarantee. This knowledge I have from observing our current system and some self-initiated research.
Because of the diagnosis that has been given to me – a diagnosis I do not agree with at all – I expect most people to not listen to me, but to look for signals of the illness. In my diary, have written everything down about my thoughts, beliefs and experiences, from the outmost personal perspective, with the intention of showing you the reasons why I believe that I am not a schizophrenic. The reader is free to decide what he or she believes. That’s something I live by.”
Time freezes with everyone in it, except Fangs. A bright light and big cloud of smoke appear on the leather surface of the chair on the podium. With her legs crossed and her hands on her right knee on top, she emerges out of the ether, saying:
Daniëlle Lucy: “Instead of talking about the actual content of your diary, she’s still only touching the surface. Some Earthlings aren’t able to grasp the idea of the alternative system you speak of so often, so then they start to make weak statements about you, like she did. I think you’ve done well.”
Lil Fangs: “Thank you. Her stance still eats at me a little. I have the feeling I haven’t used my best arguments yet. I found her so extremely biased.”
Daniëlle Lucy: “Unfortunately, that really is something we can’t avoid. Your content is too much and too unique for people to quickly understand all of it, so those without patience will resort to a negative bias very fast.
With the next person you’ll talk to, you won’t have to worry about that at all! It is a famous character from your Nosce Te Ipsum series! Your next challenge is to recruit him/her for the right function in your organization.”
Lil Fangs: “That’s great! I’ve been waiting for that for so long.”
This takes place in a simulation of a big deserted island, which has an oasis in the middle of it. Fangs has prepared a picnic and a contract.
Lil Fangs: “Hi, I’m Dominique. You must be here for your recruitment.”
She gets up from the big flying carpet, to shake your hand. You appeared from the smoke and the big bright white light in front of the picnic scene.
The way questions have been numbered is a continuation of the previous Nosce Te Ipsum episode.
You: “Yes, I am!”
You shake hands.
Lil Fangs: “That’s awesome! Please join me on this carpet. I’ll show you the land that will be turned into D.O.C.I.S. International’s corporate island, while I ask you some questions that lead to the conclusion of your recruitment. Also, please don’t hold back with eating! Want a fig?”
She stretches out her arm to hand you the fig.
Lil Fangs: “Project Nosce Te Ipsum has three paths for the recruitment for D.O.C.I.S. International. Each path has its own rewards and expectations. Which one would you pick?”
“[Chair level Senate @ Re-Illu]”
D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique) LilFangs.com/Tuesday-november-27-2018
“Chair level Parliament [of the private holding D.O.C.I.S. International [is what I hope, since I’m looking for investors…]]
How about a “bring your own pan” tea party? At the festival?”
D.O.C.I.S. International Source: (Elia, Dominique) LilFangs.com/Tuesday-november-27-2018
[Indicate your path of choice with a capital letter] You: “_______________”16
Resources owned by D.O.C.I.S. International are, when they are at its disposition locations, free is you are a member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community.
Lil Fangs: “We offer the following collective functions. Please choose one:
The sole proprietorship D.O.C.I.S. International is in search of investors and network members on the path of international expansion, where we could – if you, my dear reader, decide to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community – start a new society on the corporate land of D.O.C.I.S. International, if I’ll be able to find investors after releasing this free ebook…
If you are interested in becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, I will need your contact information and the budgeting of all of your essentials, because becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community means becoming part of a new system.
To become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please fill out the form on https://docis.international and send the following information in your first application assignment – if you have submitted your application.
In your submission, please include the following:
The e-mail may not include attachment files. Only text… This for security reasons. I will be reviewing the e-mails manually. Please submit your application to becoming part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community to: email@example.com and make the subject: “The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.
You can keep your e-mail very simple. You could stick to this format:
“The D.O.C.I.S. Community”.
[Introduction of self]
My answers to the questions in the newest Nosce Te Ipsum episodes are:
[Your answer to the question about the occupation you prefer to have on a regular basis]
[What you need money for in your daily life]
[Ending and salutation]
If you’re interested in investing in D.O.C.I.S. International, please include this in the e-mail, too!
You could keep up with the development of D.O.C.I.S. International during Project Nosce Te Ipsum
The recruitment positions will be announced during the benefit I intend to organize for Christmas. If you’re interested in helping me out, as member of The D.O.C.I.S. Community, please let me know, too!
I’ll be writing.
I love you!
– xxx –
Good morning, my Cuddle ♥
I just had breakfast. Unfortunately, my body isn’t the way it was a few years ago. I’m still so tired – just like after dinner yesterday – that I’ll be napping. Hopefully afterwards, I’ll have enough energy to work some. Meow, I still need a medic…
Something I can already feel is the heartache from celebrating my birthday all by myself, here. It’s still better than celebrating it with people who think that I’m crazy and treat me like I’m unconscious.
I’ll be back after my nap.
On “How do I file my taxes when I, as a registered sole proprietor, earn abroad?”: By this, I meant that if I earn on German soil, I prefer to pay taxes to Germany.
Even though I’m still tired [???? How :(], I will now start writing the official version of D.O.C.I.S. [the free ebook] and making the official new layout of the D.O.C.I.S. International website. Whatever it ends up as: it will be released before my birthday. I don’t think I’ll be leaving my room today – besides for a walk in the evening, maybe. For dinner, I’m thinking of getting a pizza delivered.
Bad luck part three… I was already quite hungry, but I didn’t want to order dinner already – because that would mean that if I would get hungry again, later, I won’t have anything to eat. So I decided to walk to the supermarket. I also wanted other loungewear, because the only set I have with me, smells like sweat haha……
Right before I headed out, I checked what bills are scheduled to be deducted from my account. I will not be going to the US… Tomorrow there are two payments scheduled, with a total of €407.40 [I’ve been taught to use commas for decimals, but I’m writing it “the English way”]. On my birthday, my health insurance of €109.95 will be deducted, then later Spotify, and at the end of November, my phone bill. I also still need to pay for breakfast when I check out, so it’s better for me to not “spend a fortune” on a one-way plane ticket and this sexy hill view apartment.
The clothing store was closed. “Oh, then it must be Sunday.” I hoped that the supermarket would be open, but it wasn’t open either. I took a small detour to still move some.
Back in my hotel room, I wanted to start working, but then I saw that I don’t have my laptop charger with me… My laptop is so old that it’s hard to find a place where I can buy the charger for it… It will be an enormous headache to reconstruct the D.O.C.I.S. International website from my phone. It might still be possible for me to upload the free ebook [that means that I will have to write it on my phone, though…] from my phone, but what’s the point of doing that, if I can’t conform it and its marketing to the layout standards, because it’s written on my phone…
I’m so dead inside that I can’t even cry about any of this shit. But I feel like it… I miss my B :[.
I just checked how much laptop battery I have left, “for the random”: one hour and six minutes. I switched it off right after checking it. I might need it one day.
I guess I [“a lot of I’s in this passage”] could make it an article that is featured, for now… It includes ways to invest and claim your position within the organization.
Had I mentioned that I also brought my midi keyboard and microphone¿
Time to order dinner…
Best… Pizza… Ever…
I’m used to Dutch portions… This is waay more than I expected. The salad and tiramisu are way more, too… I’m going to ask if they can keep it in the fridge for me.
I’ve never had an “Italian style” pizza with sucuk before :D.
I just created the “book article”. Tomorrow, I’ll start with typing it out. I also decided on doing a road trip and some massages/spa/wellness/fitness things for my “birthday week”.
I guess I’ll be using my last bit of laptop battery life to file my taxes, tomorrow.
Time to read some Seneca and head to bed.
Good night, my love ♥
Good morning ♥
Last night, I had a change of heart, when it comes to how to go about this. I’m hesitant with sharing it. I fear my safety and the status of my finances. [This surfaced in the extreme nightmare I had before I woke up. I can still feel the pressure and fear from it, flow through my body.]
Yesterday, my bad luck was missing the bus. Today, it’s misinterpreting the message “we now process payments right away” for processing them on the weekends as well. I now have my new ESTA and a very temporary apartment reservation, but no plane ticket, because the large percentage of what was on my debit account, hasn’t been transferred to my prepaid credit card yet. Meow :'[.
I went for this impulse, after I saw a sweet donation from my aunt on my debit account, and I thought of where I truly want to be right now. I will probably have to cancel my reservation, unfortunately. The ticket prices are increasing drastically, while I’m not able to claim mine yet… I hope I’ll still be able to make it there, before November 1st.
It would be amazingly satisfying to prove the snakes who state that I’m insane, wrong again, by surviving in the US. I find comfort in the idea of – even though I might be very lonely – celebrating my birthday in the state where I would like to reside, before moving to the independent island state I dream of, when I’ve worked myself up that far. [That is, when I don’t become homeless and let me be taken over by suicidal thoughts.]
I wish I had supportive parents. Then moving and developing my business would have been far easier. It hurts to be so alone. But it’s still better than hearing them talk about how bad my approach on life is every single day. The thought of ever seeing them again – especially after this and their threat of making the therapy even more strict – freaks me out.
I wish I could cuddle my B :[.
The stress about what the right next move is, the fear of being recognized and brought home, keep me glued to my hotel bed. I wouldn’t know what to do here, as a reason to get up and go outside… I’m also dealing with the same breakfast/lunch issue I deal with at home… I had half a pretzel x_x. I’ll eat something after 3 pm…
I “already” had some granola bars. They’re the tastiest ones I’ve ever eaten!
I’m not in the mood for eating somewhere by myself again. And pretending like everything is going amazing.
When I was in the U.S., and someone would ask me on what occasion I’m there, I said that it’s to make pictures for my blog. That very slight truth, I stated to not verbally reminisce about painful things that are still eating at me.
On the flooding the Netherlands thing “from yesterday”: it’s better to cause it, than to wait for nature to do it. This because they’re influencing nature itself to keep it from happening, so if it were to [finally] happen by nature itself, you’ll be able to do a lot less damage control. The country being below sea level is another reason for me not wanting to be there. It freaks me out, the idea of my fate being in the hands of the way the water flows on a moment only some people can see coming in advance. It’s better to just get it over with. Then you’re also more free to live the life you truly want to live. And most jobs can be automated right after.
On the “to be where I truly want to be right now”: I would rather be cuddling Benoît right now [😻]😻, but I have no idea where he resides and why it’s suddenly so hard to reach him :[. That’s why I’m after being near the sun, right now. Without him there, I’ll be lonely there as well. Anything better than being in my bed at home. Even the bed I’m in right now is more comfortable, and the room has more space.
To report someone missing – accordjng to Dutch standards – you have to wait for 24 hours, before they start to i n i t i a t e the search mission. [Remember that “the less people” is in their advantage.] I hope they don’t use my mother’s set of text messages as a time indicator. My father said: “If you don’t tell me where you’re going, I won’t let you leave the house.” Restrictions like that cause me to lie. I hate to lie. I told him I’ll tell him when I’m there, because I don’t want any authorities stopping me.
Strange thing with my preferences is that I currently prefer passing out over “searching for proper nutrition”. It’s hard to imagine my life’s path from the situation I’m in right now. I feel so un-cuddle that I won’t be able to write D.O.C.I.S. or plan the fundraiser. I do plan on filing my company’s tax report soon.
I think I actually will write D.O.C.I.S. and plan the fundraiser. The thing is that I worry about not having any engagement again. There’s only one way to see whether people will engage or not. After I finish my dinner and my after dinner walk (because I need some exercise/movement), I will start planning and writing. I have an overdose on energy right now, from all the laying down.
How do I file my taxes when I, as a registered sole proprietor, earn abroad?
Right now, I’m at a restaurant. I just ordered a mash-up of two main dishes, because I’m just that hungry. I had to convince the waiter of this first. She found that it was too much, while I hadn’t explained myself yet. I didn’t want the side dishes double… x_x
I hope that the situation with my residence and family won’t influence [or solely positively influence] the engagement in the fundraiser. My feelings, I don’t want to surface in D.O.C.I.S.. Or maybe only a little bit, since it does slightly influence the business decisions I make.
Haha it feels so far from regular to have “finally” shown how I truly feel about the existence of the artificial country below sea level. And how I feel about some aspects of their nationalism. I have tried to talk about this with people, there, but I guess the nationalism that is spoon fed since kindergarten, is just that deeprooted. I was definitely younger than 12, when I heard that the country is the only one below the sea level, and that “we all” need to watch our emission because of it, since otherwise the water from melting gletsjers will flood the place. Since then, I had been dealing with nightmares and stuff.
Haha suddenly I feel like doing so many things! I want to write and throw around the D.O.C.I.S. International website and explore the neighborhood and play Nintendo… Of course, I brought my Nintendo Switch, my camera, my laptop, my hard drives, most of my notebooks and Letters from a Stoic. This feels like “my Stoic moment”, where I lose everything and only live with my valuables. Again…
It is that it’s cold now, and I don’t like cold rewarmed food, otherwise I would have finished it.
After a cup of tea, I will explore the business region I’m at right now. I wish I were in an area where I’m inhaling less car fumes. But since I’m in Germany [“by the way”], it’s still healthier than the air I’m used to.
There’s this Dutch piece I wrote in the October 22 post. Something like that will be the introduction of D.O.C.I.S. [what I describe is the start of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I had/have in mind]. I wrote it in Dutch, because I didn’t want to give away the real form right away, and writing in my native language is more intuitive, to me.
Oh, by the way, I think that, by now, I have broken the world record for most text written within a short period of time? 😂😋 & #x1F602;& #x1F60B;
Looking back at what I’ve written in the helpful – when it comes to being away from flehs – but hard – because of financial reasons – time, I see that I haven’t posted enough photo evidence, so:
My current form of transportation makes it possible for me to charge my phone. That’s so chill :D, because I haven’t booked a new hotel room yet. Because of the few abilities for late night travel, after I couldn’t find the special bus stop for international buses, there were no options for me anymore, to travel to Milan by not plane.
On the spot, I searched for an alternative way to travel as far away as possible. It really sucks that the train tickets are non-refundable.
For me, it went from conversation to beef, after: “Your behavior is getting worse. I can see it. Again, you’re in your room all day and you’re socializing less and less.”
“It’s not getting worse. I’m in bed, because I am physically sick and my physical health needs to be examined further.”
“You’re not sick. Physically, you’re healthy. You really need mental assistance. What have you accomplished this year?”
Then, I said: “Shut the fuck up.” And then the “argument” started…
My father mentioned that what I post on my blog, makes me look “more like a schizophrenic”. This while I devote every post to debunking that. Is that crazy? If, one day, bullshit news is widely spread about me, again, I want you to know my side of the story in advance.
My check-out date is November 2nd, for now. I will either extend it, go elsewhere or be homeless.
Just in case I’m going to apply for a job, I brought two suits and two dresses. Because I intended to go to Italy, I took the wrong jacket, for the weather at the location I’m at right now x_x.
Those are some pictures I took earlier.
I was lucky to be able to check in before check-in time. Now I’d like to catch up on a lottttt of sleep, undisturbed.
“Haha” I feel so random for asking the man at the reception take away the spider that was next to my toilet.
What to do now…? I feel like when I was in the US, but then less emotional, because this is the second time for me to travel by means of “taking my mind off the situation in my home (country)” and the zillionth time for me to take distance from my parents, because of the way I disagree with certain habits and beliefs that come with their method of parenting.
To my mother’s message that says that she is shocked and that I can count on her et cetera – sounds like a form of click bait you need to respond to with loving words – I will not write a response. Every day, I dislike texting a little bit more. [Unless it is you texting me, my Cuddle :).] I also won’t be responding to the other texts from other people I have: someone asking me if I want to make a DJ portfolio for him [noooooooooooooooo], invitations to things, questions about my life, to which the answer is in every blog post I write…
Is there a limit to the amount of time I’m allowed to spend in Germany? My heart desires to be able to make a living here [a house in the non-touristic area I’m in right now, my dream matte grey Audi RS7 sportback…] and then, in the end, move to California, to later move to my independent private island.
Lately, my father had been putting a lot of emphasis on the dangers of “lying to the American government about my state of mind”. [I filled out my ESTA according to my truth and not his. To every question, I responded “no” – unless there’s a question where “yes” is the answer that says that the government doesn’t have to worry about your presence.] A set of statements that has been causing the same type of inner short circuiting as the statements that made me want to leave the house, for the insult it is to my intellect. He said that I can get in trouble with the US government for saying that I am not mentally ill. Ughhhhh.
This authority people who work in the industry of facilitating air travel – namely security people – have, was the reason why I decided to travel by train and bus. When I tried to escape my parents, by going to the Bahamas, in February 2017, the security people were also attempting to keep me from flying, because they found it suspicious that I didn’t have a suitcase with me. I didn’t have a suitcase with me, to avoid my parents from knowing where I was going and stopping me, but I didn’t say that to the security people. [Because it is none of their business why I travel.]
Something I prefer is to celebrate my birthday at some place a little more upscale. I’ve been thinking of renting a car for one day, to go to another location where I can reside, after checking out, if I have some money left, still.
I just checked my debit account, with palpitations while opening the app. Now, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want to say “Dammit, the last time I checked, they stated that they were going to stop it automatically, if I don’t show them that I really am/have been an Open University student, which I haven’t, even though I still am registered there, so what the fuuuuuuck is this… Now my debt [did you know “schuld”, in Dutch, means both debt and guilt¿] is even greater…”, but on the other hand, I’m glad to have received some study financing. Now I can eat the whole month and do marketing and stuff.
I need more desk space, to be able to work on my free book that is part of my fundraiser… If that becomes a success, my fate can be sealed 😀 ♥.
I also want to stay at a hotel that isn’t next to a busy road. I’m a little bit afraid of drive-by’s, now that my parents can make my “running away” go internationally viral again.
There are a few things I need to buy and I’m suuuuper hungryyy, so I’ll have to go outside.
I just got another text: “Het is niet fraai hoe het is gegaan, maar we houden van je. Wij allemaal.” The word “maar” = “but”, isn’t emphasized in the text message. I just emphasized it, because of the meaning it has in the “I love you” context. It says: “The way things have gone is not pretty, but we love you. All of us.” I don’t even open them. They make my heart ache.
Hmmm… I should go apartment hunting…
It seems like you can just enter and claim your spot? (You don’t want that, when the dikes break… That will be such chaos… I believe that there shouldn’t be a European Union anymore, in the “amical but still competitive” it is right now. You’re all being taken advantage of in such an intensely inhumane way, by your own ally…)
Mag ik ook afdingen bij mijn studieschuld? Bij iemand met weinig geld, zou ik niet afdingen….
As I mentioned in previous posts, I want my business to eventually generate dividends for those who support the network. Why not start that here, instead of in the Netherlands…?
From some random other Googling:
My phone doesn’t support “NL alert”…?
“Van beide kanten”, while “German people be like” “wtf¿”…
The bottom side of the text is about that, when you, as a Dutch person, move to Germany, it is important that you know the German culture and history, to prevent annoyance and frustration “FROM BOTH SIDES” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I went to the Lidl to buy pretzels, make up remover pads, hair gel and bottles of water. I’ve also sent a response e-mail for a short stay apartment in a different neighborhood. Most food places open at 17:30, for dinner, my screen says, so currently, I’m back in my hotel room…
Shout out to Google for beautifully accentuating the smog on this picture.
By the way, I ended up packing less clothes and more stuff, after I made the picture while packing.
Ohh the difference between “brought two suits and dresses” and “bought two suits and dresses” [my typo] is granddd. I just came prepareddd. Maybe there are networking events¿ I brought some business cards. [But the big stacks of cards are at my flehs’ house x_x.]
Again, the self-date x_x.
Something “everyone needs to know” is that I, when speaking to anyone, don’t easily give away crucial personal information. It’s like I see certain suspicions in people’s eyes. If you want it answered, you need to ask me directly, because I’m not going to spill it for no reason, while I don’t know whose side you’re on. I can indicate your side, by what you ask me.
I also wonder if my website is far more popular than my statistics show me…
Ahahahahahaha omggg this piece of text about culture makes me “break casual character”. I couldn’t keep myself from laughing. “Hi I’m your new neighbor. What’s your favorite Hänsel und Gretel [I know it as Hans en Grietje HAHAHAHAHA BUT IT’S OLD “SO IT’S NOT PLAGIARISM” AND COMPLETELY DUTCH AHAHAH] scene? How do you prepare your Bratwurst und Sauerkraut?” HAHAHAHAHA some [may I say “most”¿] Dutch people really do this. [I laugh, because it’s so very wrong making someone who is not Dutch feel like an alien, by making such statements.]
I do not think it’s right for me to ever cross the Dutch border again. Especially not after I state that it’s more efficient and more fun, when it comes to the opportunities it leaves for very subtly making changes to the [economic] system, for the country to flood. It’s also way better for the environment, because the country wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place.
Something I veryyyy vaguely remember, is that there were a lot of very influential societal reforms (internationally¿) when I was veryy young.
From the things I’m doing, I feel more like a self-employed secret agent. I remember that that was another profession I wanted “to have”¿ [is that grammatically correct?], when I was little.
The thing is “that I have no one watching over me”, keeping my profile low in a positive sense, when it comes to that my social environment in my home country. That’s the reason why there are so many “disclaimers” in my posts, for those who would avenge me if snakes were to ever let me be assassinated [or murdered further, by antipsychotics].
I want my B :[. Ah this heartburn from missing him, I’ve been walking around with since 2015, increases the more I’m alone.
I’m back in my hotel room. On my way to the Chinese restaurant I just ate at, my body was shaking from the cold. I didn’t take my jacket with a big hoodie, suitable for cold weather, because when I left, I still had my mind fixed on going to Milan. “Shit, my jacket…” was one of the first things I thought, after missing the bus.
Something I also re-noticed today, is that I naturally don’t move both my arms, when I walk.
And then, right before I was about to go right, towards the building in which the restaurant is located, I noticed the “30% off on all jackets” on my left. On the spot, I bought a jacket and ripped off the price tag, so that I can wear it right away. I entered the restaurant wearing it:
Can someone explain to me what the benefit is for all of our society, to make business competition, with making profit and/or expansion as its goal? I don’t see it. I find that it has to change into value based on what it truly adds to our society. And that it’s better to put our heads together, instead of trying to rip them off[, tenzij je me met zwarte piet vergelijkt, dan zoek je het maar uit ;)].
I’m wearing different jeans than earlier today, because the other ones were blood stained after traveling, from that stupid morning after pill x_x.
I hope the person I send the message about housing to, will respond with positive news. Then, at the hotel I’m currently at, I can ask to shorten my stay and maybe get a room upgrade, to a bigger one, while I’m still here.
Just like when I arrived in Baltimore, earlier this year, the area I’m currently at, is not suitable for me to stay at for a longer period of time, because I don’t have a car.
I wonder if the remaining tongue spasms I still have, after getting the “kaakklem” [looked like a crazy seizure] from haloperidol, can be fixed. One side of my tongue is way bigger than the other – plus it’s like it makes breathing harder for me – and, even when I try to relax it, it keeps “spazming”… I feel my brain short circuiting, when I try to combine thinking of growing old, solving my health problems – now that I’m in the right country – long term housing, expanding my network, getting my business off the ground and never seeing flehs again. Money is too much of an issue for me, in this situation. (This while, just like when I was in the US, I have my hard drive with me, that has my father’s banking passwords on it, from when I was his way underpaid and unregistered bookkeeping assistant.
I’ll be reading some Seneca and then head to bed.
Good night 😻
The extreme need for me to prove myself, kept me from reading and incentivized me to make the “My trip to the U.S. in retrospect” post. “U.S.”, because I like the old school way of abreviating more.
I think I’ll go back to making videos. It’s easier for keeping an overview as well. I’ll start with that tomorrow. I’d love to show you alllll of the videos I’ve made, but they are sooooo long that it could seriously take a week for them to be uploaded.
You make me very happy by watching my videos, over-reading my blog posts and any other way in which you show your interest in me.
Meow, I feel so lonely that I feel these continuous chest pains :(. How can I ever see my B? :[ Especially when I’m all the way here, and he only speaks through The Head Cuddle, but I can’t hear him as clear as I used to [I fucking hate that. Ever since those snakes gave me those antipsychotics :'(], and he doesn’t take my calls or respond to my e-mails. It used to be so easy to reach him. [That’s why I didn’t mind not having his mobile phone number that much. I prefer emailing over texting. And texting over calling, because my parents always gossip and ask me questions about what they (over)hear. He’s one of the very few people who I would enjoy calling with.]
Now – since June 2017 – he doesn’t reply. I think it would be something for him, to at least let me know why… 😔
😔 I’m going to stop writing now for today. I want to take my mind off this heartache.
I just managed to get myself out of bed… There’s not really anything nutritional and “unique” to eat, so my father and I are going to eat in the center of the town I live in. By “unique”, I mean something that I want to eat varied. When I say “the city center”, I mean the center of Rotterdam. The town I live in, is Capelle aan den IJssel.
The strange thing about my headaches, is that they emerge when I, for example, jump or shake my head.
Ugh suddenly this fleh came home.
Another thing that is eating at me is that my grandmother is getting surgery tomorrow. She has suddenly been diagnosed with “physical dementia”, while I don’t notice anything different about her, except a decrease in self-confidence. The surgery is for “staar”. Literally translated, that is “stare”. The suitable translation is “cataract”. I do not think my grandmother has any form of blindness. Just like my other grandmother, who has had the surgery on both her eyes. My grandfather has had the surgery as well. Meoww I don’t want itt…
Can you solve it by staring into the Sun? [Indirect Bates reference, when it comes to the influence of the Sun on the eye. His theory related to myopia and farsightedness. This has worked on me!! The only reason why I wear glasses now, is because of astigmatism – which was already there when my glasses also corrected for my myopia.]
We’re going out for dinner instead of having a late lunch.
I still want to publish D.O.C.I.S. before my birthday. The problem is that all I have written out this far, is that short piece a few posts back.
18:02 (06:02 PM)
After the heated argument I just had with my parents, I am going to leave the house for a while. I AM NOT MISSING. I REPEAT: I AM NOT MISSING. You can follow all my steps right here. If you want to force me to go back to my room and work 40 hours per week: keep your distance, please.
Now that my father has said that I can hand in my house key: I don’t really intend to ever go back home. The problem is that my budget is not very high. International governments that might end up searching for me: there are a lot of things I can do for you. Pleaseeeeeeee don’t send me back to the Netherlands.
20:16 (08:16 PM)
I am not in a confused state. I am solely consciously protecting my weakened heart from palpitations. If you are, in an argument, forcing me to obey your will, while you don’t even remember my words, then to me, there’s no reason to argue.
As I’m on my way, I behave very calmly. Therefore, no one has to initiate anything that make me have to stand my ground.
If I’ll let you know when I’m there? I might. It’s a veryyyyyyyy long journey I’m about to make.
The idea that they can call the authorities to search for me has always been a burden. What’s the point of living that life, then, anyway?
“If there’s something, you can count on me. You can always call me.”
“If I could do that, I wouldn’t be packing my bags right now.”
20:51 (08:51 PM)
There’s an awful lot of cops here.
Something I told my mother, is that I do not want the Dutch government to monitor my bank expenses again, like they did when I went to the US, to track my location. They don’t have my permission for this. I am 21 years old, so – thank god – my parents don’t have full authority over me. I also don’t want them to monitor my phone usage, or anything else.
I think it’s a good thing to delete that picture I made yesterday.
This was before I got into the train. I’m posting it now, because I want to “keep my current location a secret”.
Because of the status of my phone battery and the many itineraries, I’ll stop posting updates, until I have had a chance to charge my phone. I took all chargers, except the one of my camera, I think. Damn…
Ah shittttt my other train is delayed =.=
The “funniest” part was the: “Make sure you have enough money to travel back home. I don’t want to be rescuing you.” I barely have money to go there XD.
I have three minutes to transfer…
Something that will become worse, when I come back, they said, is the way they force me to talk to psychiatrists. If there’s one thing that makes me want to die, it’s that. They know I’m suicidal as fuck.
Things don’t look well for me, right now. Whatever happens, I DO NOT go home ever again. The GPS location of the bus was off, so the app couldn’t find it, which made me not able to find it in time. Because of this, my other non-refundable forms of travel, I won’t make those either.
The hotel near the train station was booked full. I’m sooooo tired…
I could go to sleep forever, right now. That’s how I feel. Most regular people can’t understand that there’s a hand full of people who prefers to cut you off, instead of to keep clashing over and over again.
About the friend of my sister: because she paralyzes twice a day, I think she needs “past Dutch borders” medical assistance as well… I zone out…*
I still can’t sleep. Meow :[.
At the peak of my high and my laking, I was finally able to go to sleep.
Today, having to talk to this “health care specialist”, makes me want to throw up…
The only reasons I give in, when my mother forces me to talk to a Dutch psychiatrist, is because:
I still have this pressure headache. Usually, the sounds that come from the road behind the house, don’t get on my nerves that much. Now, my brain craves for absolute silence. I wish to go abroad…
* By “I zone out…” I mean that ever since the involvement of certain governmental parties, due to parental measures, I’ve been dealing with more stress and anger than usual and in moments where I need to keep calm, because otherwise they would put me in an isolation cell, I force myself to zone out, instead of using my mental and physical strengths that now feel limitless. I’m not here to commit crimes, so I need to keep calm. The fangs still want playful practice, though…
It’s still hilarious that all that time, before the “continue reading” button, people thought I wrote these pieces of only 50 words AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂& #x1F602;. [the code is there because I need to re-insert it for every update and copy-pasting is faster]
At some point, I was losing so many readers, I was starting to become very worried. But now I see an almost historic – especially because I haven’t done any advertising – increase in popularity. If it’s not because of online advertising, I think it’s because of word of mouth. I think that, because people like to talk about other people [and not themselves?], word of mouth is still very powerful.
It’s interesting how, in this overall situation, the friend of my sister and I, are both internationally oriented creatives, and we’re both dealing with strange health conditions.
15:32 (03:32 PM)
I need a doctor, man… But I’m allowed to chose who, right?
19:10 (07:10 PM)
I feel so light headed after this long conversation. It was very comforting to hear certain statements by my father and sister.
Again, I mentioned not wanting any of this recorded in my files. He said that they were going to create a (new) document with their findings. I told them that I do not want that in my medical record and that I want a copy of their “composition”. For that, I gave them my business card. I said that I will not allow them to make a copy of my renewed passport (that was made after I lost my bag, in June this year), as long as I haven’t seen what they have written. I also said that I do not want to have another session (AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN). There are audio recordings of our conversation. The assistant sat next to my mother. She has been typing out a lot of things while we were talking. I asked them several times, to show me what they have been writing about me. They refused showing it to me on the spot. The psychiatrist said that he was going to write down his findings first and then allow me to add corrections.
21:56 (09:56 PM)
I’m still dealing with the after-effects of that hell of a conversation we just had. There was so much anger I was hiding, that I couldn’t stop “flexing my fangs”, while the right side of my top lip was shaking. I want to do international business and my problem is that my mother keeps forcing me to subject myself to the Dutch psychiatric system. It’s such an insult to my intellect. I need to get out of here…
It saddens me that I lost my self-control, during the conversation. At some points, I just couldn’t stop interrupting them…
I’m going to try to sleep…
My first language is Dutch. “Ex Animo” translated to modern Dutch causes a miscommunication. The words literally translated, make up something else than the actual meaning of the two words. “Ex”: zonder (without) and “animo”: aanhang [that is without supporters].
But if you search the phrase in a dictionary, you find: “From the heart” or “sincerely”.
You might be able to relate to the following: When I write some self-expression down for myself, I pay a lot less attention to my choice of words, than when I write it for publication. The idea of writing it for someone else to read, makes me want to put some extra attention into choosing words that make the reader, who empathizes with them, perceive what I describe in a way that makes clear the multiple layers of meaning in my words, along with a certain filter on the emotions behind the text. I don’t want my readers to continuously feel the emotions I feel, so usually my words either emphasize only one type of emotion or display the situation in an indirect manner.
The Ex Animo category is a slight exception to the filter that safeguards emotions. Here, I do display all of my emotions directly. There is a lot less time correcting and changing my choice of words, because my Ex Animo writings come straight from my heart and soul.
The word “ανηmos” is Cuddle for “out of the spirit”.
17:40 (05:40 PM)
I couldn’t sleep last night… Again x_x. I’m trying to cut down on writing and I’m keeping myself from making voice recordings. The pressure headache I have, makes me tired. I still haven’t been able to fall asleep. Meow 😿
I’m going to try sleeping again…
18:00 (06:00 PM)
I’m hungry… I had yesterday’s dinner for breakfast… I don’t want to eat that again… There’s no more yoghurt… I’m too tiredd meoww. Mag ik een Cuddle? :[
21:32 (09:32 PM)
Dit is toch geschift?
T voelt als een soort oorlogstijd ofzo…
T is verbazingwekkender als je het achterstevoren leest. Hoezo: “Als iemand erom vraagt?” Dat is toch niet normaal…
Er is hier een overschot aan mensen, en ik ben fysiek ziek en niet geestelijk ziek. Terwijl men gelooft dat ik geestelijk ziek ben…? En me dan ook gewoon keihard tegenspreken, wanneer ik zeg dat ik geen schizofreen ben?
They kept telling me: “90% krijgt een terugval. Je moet echt je medicijnen innemen.”
HET ZIJN JOUW MEDICIJNEN. NIET DIE VAN MIJ. HIER HEB JE JE TERUGVAL. HAAL DE CAMERA’S ER MAAR BIJ.
22:00 (10:00 PM)
I need free space to practice my forms of athleticism. Another option is to (play)fight¿ [Als we nu allemaal spontaan zouden gaan vechten omdat er milieuregels worden overtreden enzo, en dan dat je “””als een man””” [laat me niet lachen] niet met wapens mag vechten, maar alleen met je eigen lichaam als wapen. “Dan gebeurt er tenminste iets…”] I stopped using my force, during “sparren” @ pençak silat [how to translate “sparren” to Dutch in this context], because I was afraid of “going past my limit”. But still that energy needs to get out…
22:28 (10:28 PM)
Using guns and bombing things is very bad for the environment… Just like spreading that information on a mass scale.
It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I can’t sleep, because when I’m asleep, I’m not conscious of my breathing techniques, and I might run out of air and/or lose control over the way I control my heart beat. If were fighting right now, it would be easier to control.
The 21st was a diverse and busy day.
I hope I can share with you some audio I made today [it’s nothing serious!].
The files are too big x_x. Hmmm, I’ll think of another way to share it with you.
First, I’ll catch some sleep.
Good morning ♥
Here are some pictures I made yesterday:
Being inside my bedroom started to drive me crazy, so I went to the park. There, I cycled some, after which I decided to continue by foot. I looked for a bench to read on, but it got dark very soon. I meditated and medicated some.
It was also to take measures to stop nightmares, because I had another one, the night before. I still don’t smoke as often as I used to, because I’m now hesitant with government supply.
The nightmare was about me making the Dutch news for driving past the speed limit in Belgium. The road was known as a road where pedestrians rarely survive. I was shocked awake, when we drove on that same road – but I was in the back right passengers seat this time – someone recognized the license plate – they had made public – and me, and tried to drag me out of the car and beat me to death.
When I came home – this was not in the nightmare – I had a dinner made by my sister and her friends. Back in my room, I made some voice recordings, for the audio sketch. My method for faster quality writing, is to first summarize a chapter’s content by speaking and then typing it out.
I then spontaneously thought of making a beat. The sounds in it, take so much stress off my brain. Unfortunately, I’m using the Lite version of Reason, so there’s a limit to the instruments I can add, and the sound files were too large to upload. [I can’t afford the full version……]
This fundraiser – or another form of investment – is the only way for me to get out of my parents’ house, without wanting to die. To descend from the level of comfort I’m used to [going out for dinner often, a comfortable couch, a piano, lots of food at home as well, etc…] to social housing [social housing because my parents will never pay my rent and that is all I will be able to afford, if I were to get a full time job to finance moving out (which is not going to happen, because I fear “dissolving in the company” and then becoming this 60 year old who still works there, saying “I used to want to be an entrepreneur”…)]. So I hope I can go from trapped inside parents house, to big happy home on the hills, at once. It’s my only way out, aside from a body bag – because the man might as well get that tired of me.
Part of me says that my content isn’t jolly enough to start a fundraiser with it. I hope the free book will make that small difference I need, to still make it “fundraiser worthy”. I’m so excited for it!!!
13:17 (01:17 PM)
For the construction I want to make [currently, this is just a dream of mine] I want to analyze the ecosystems on the landscape, first. I want to “boost” the them and not disrupt or destroy them. I think it would also be nice to have this tower with offices, which are very homelike. The main office is shared.
Okay, back to D. O. C. I. S.
I don’t know what is interesting to read in an introduction. What to use… I know what I’m building the story up towards. The question is how to get there, with the least amount of readers giving up…
Lil Fangs: De wind suist langs de gesloten schelp. Het water kletst tegen mijn gezicht aan. De spieren houden the schelp zo gesloten, dat er geen lucht naar binnen komt. Ik lig te slapen… Ik durf mijn ogen niet open te doen…
De tong, die een kussen vormt, ben ik ineens zo ver ingeduwd, dat de spier mijn kroon raakt. Mijn mond is nu volledig onder water.
Ik begin te improviseren.
Neus in. Mond uit.
Neus in. Mond uit.
De lucht smaakt vies.
Neus in. Mond uit.
Neus uit. Mond uit.
Neus in. Mond uit.
How about everyone carries a mask for breathing underwater?
13:48 (01:48 PM)
The idea that you love me and that you can hear my frequency, makes me feel more safe.
Lil Fangs: Waarom zou je een tas kopen om aan je raam te hangen?
Should it be “Benifit Bags?”
My dream is to organize a benifit, for my birthday.
14:07 (02:07 PM)
Yellow text for the link, instead of black… I’m going to change it now. [“Yellow link text”, is a funny toungue twister.]
Hahaaaa… I just realized there’s no incentive to click on the text 😅.
14:20 (02:20 PM)
Ik kreeg net een aanbieding voor een private bodyscan??
[Referencing to the reason why I feel like I’m part of the masses.]
If you mentioned hating everything with “little” in the name¿ That hurts…
Old Fangs and The Fang Man [This is a reference to the old Nosce Te Ipsum. The Nosce Te Ipsum series will be named Volta.] have been separated from each other. They can see each other in their dreams, when they sleep with The Blindfold.] have been separated from each other after escaping from Manya Basis.
Pepernoten op kinderen gooien? Ja/Nee [*insert poll*]
My desk is too messy to use my laptop in semi-comfort. [I’m too tall for my desk.]
Question: Do I have the right to remain silent??????
I have been stopped by police, because my parents ordered them to find me. When I didn’t want to go home, I was interrogated.
It’s the fear of being forced into talking again… I’m trying to indirectly explain that I need assistance, but I don’t know how to find the right person to ask for this relatively large form of public assistance.
18:06 (06:06 PM)
I feel like eating mashed potatoes…
I also feel like starting a podcast from my bedroom, because I’m getting tired of typing, so I’ll be buying ingredients for mashed potatoes with a lot of vegetables and bacon [of zoutvleeeesssss…..!!!!! Wooooow ik heb nooit eerder aan die combinatie gedacht… That’s a good alternative. Then I need to go to the oriental store… But that closes at 7…] Current status:
And then there’s D. O. C. I. S.
23:36 (11:36 PM)
What an evening… 😔
While I was getting ready to go outside, my mother came home from work [reference to what I mentioned, earlier in this post]. She wanted to accompany me on the mall. I drove. We did bought a lot of groceries, including what I needed for the mashed potatoes, and a sausage for my sister’s friend, because hers was eaten, after my father brought her home, when she was here a few days ago, because he found that she was unpolite and that’s where his “my house, my rules” came into play.
I wasn’t there, then – I was asleep and was woken up by the security system making the sound you hear when a door with a motion sensor opens, when they left. My sister told me what happend, when my mother asked. This was when I made the pasta (after waking up). Because of the status of her brain after the concussion and the way he has been aggressive to me, I know for sure that her behavior wasn’t that bad that she wasn’t allowed to be in “his” house anymore. (It was about THE REMOTE [OH MY GOD, THIS SOCIETY], so it must have been a fucking bullshit reason for him to respond to her like that.)
The day my father drove her home, out of anger [*face palm*], she brought bread and a sausage that had the taste accent of figs. “She’s coming back on Monday. By that time, the bread will not be good anymore. Might as well eat everything.”
“That’s my cooking day. Maybe then, we can buy her some Turkish bread.”
Today, I was far too tired to cook something that suits the bread, but I did think of buying a sausage. It didn’t feel right to compensate the delicacy with a supermarket replica. Eating something about which she hadn’t said: “I brought this for you. You can eat it.” [I only spoke to her upstairs – about something completely different – and the food was in the kitchen.]
I [€658.60 left, “for the rest of my life”. I accepted my mother paying me back “half” of the… It’s hard for me to accept being paid back, because the initial reaction, when it comes them paying for me, is “Oh, that’s too expensive.” Grrrr. Keep ittttt. When I’m in my house on the hills, I’ll spoil someone else, who would do the same for me. After today, I want to get out sooo badddddd I feel like having a fittt. I need a massage… (I just saw that a 50 minute massage with the right amount of pressure is €70… Is it worth it…?)] also bought the microphone:
While I was finishing up dinner, my mother received a phonecall. From the sentiment in her voice, I knew there was something up.
I walked to the couch. The tv was on. My mother had my arm around her shoulder. My sister was petting her arm.
What wasn’t clear to me, then, was if it was of the “before phase” or that “it” already happend.
Me: “Shouldn’t you get into the car?”
My mother: “No. She can’t process all of this right now. We should wait.”
I went back to the kitchen to serve her a small portion of dinner and I turned on the water boiler. After doing that, I thought that waiting for it to cool off would be too long.
Me: “You might not have an appetite right now, but please eat something.” [In a situation like that, you might not think about what your body’s needs are. Where we were going, they probably won’t serve food around that time.]
Her gaze was focused on the floor. My mother was still caressing her. It reminded me of two things at the same time: when my grandfather passed away and when I shunned my parents for five days.
I went to the kitchen relatively fast, to serve myself a small portion of food [because I was going to be driving soon and “I never know when I’ll be able to eat next, so I better stuff my stomach” (something I often tell myself)] and pour her a glass of water.
Suddenly, she passed out.
I started to ask my parents all kind of questions. Answers were:
My father: “Since the concussion, she passes out a few times of day.” [And then they describe all kinds of sad details I don’t want to share, because they’re sad. I thought: What the fuck…? You can’t find it normal that she paralyzes a few times a day.]
My mother: “We can’t leave. We don’t want her to pass out when she walks to the car, right?”
My mother: “Calm down. We don’t have to leave right away.”
Internally, I exploded. This became worse, when my father said: “Is the oven still on?” I put the food I served for her on the plate, in a container and added some extra food for her to take home.
INTERNALLY, I THOUGHT [PLEONASME?]: WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO CALM DOWN? I ONLY TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD BE TAKING ACTION. I AM FUCKING CALM. IN THIS MOMENT, YOU CAN SEE HOW MUCH SOMEONE IS WILLING TO DO, WHEN “THE MOMENT” IS THERE.
Me: “You’re watching TV. She should be with her family right now.” [FUNNY THAT WHEN YOU TOUCH THE REMOTE AND HE GETS PISSED OFF, HE CAN GET TO HIS CAR IN A SPLIT SECOND, BUT WHEN SOMEONE’S DYING, HE DOESN’T EVEN COME ALONG.]
I sat down next to the friend. Since she heard the news, she hadn’t spoken. I saw her gaze at the clock. It was 21:10.
My mother: “Can you put some food in a container for me as well?”
I WAS SO IN FOR A FIGHTTT, BUT IT WASN’T THE RIGHT MOMENT. [I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF THAT, SO IT NEVER IS, BECAUSE AGAIN, I WANT TO SAY: “I CAN’T WAIT TO NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN,” BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT RUNNING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK IS VERYYYYY EXPENSIVE. BEFORE I DECIDED TO KEEP THE PEACE, WE FOUGHT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. I STILL HAVE THE SAME INNER FLAME GOING CRAZY.] WITH SO MUCH FRUSTRATION, I PUT FOOD IN A CONTAINER, FOR MY MOTHER. I DO THINGS, BUT I’M PHYSICALLY ILL. TO MYSELF, I THOUGHT: “HOW DARE SHE ASK ME THIS, WHILE SHE CAN JUST GET UP AND FUCKING DO IT HERSELF?”
TO MY PARENTS, I WANTED TO SAY: “WHEN I DIE, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COME TO MY FUNERAL. HER GRANDMOTHER IS ABOUT TO DIE, AND YOU ARE ACTING SO FUCKING INDIFFERENT.” THAT THOUGHT HAD BEEN ON MY MIND FOR DAAAYS WHEN I SHUNNED THEM AND DURING MY MANY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, IT CROSSED MY MIND EVERY DAY. But I didn’t want to say the words “Her grandmother is about to die/your grandmother is about to die, SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THAT COUCH???” They always keep it so “out of the topic of conversation”, when someone’s dying – I say from experience, I wasn’t even sure if she knew.
THAT ONE STATEMENT ABOUT MY OWN FUNERAL WAS VERY SERIOUS, BY THE WAY. YOU’RE MY WITNESS. I CAN’T AFFORD A “NOTARIS” TO LOG IT, SO PLEASE STAND UP FOR ME, IF I DON’T GROW OLD NATURALLY: WHEN I DIE, THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COME NEAR MY BODY. THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE ANY FUNERAL SPEECHES OR DO ANYTHING THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH “THE PROGRAMME” OF THE CEREMONY OF MY PASSING. IF I HAVE ANY MONEY: THEY’RE NOT GETTING SHIT. GIVE IT TO SOMEONE IN NEED, GIVE IT TO MY B, FEED IT TO WILD ANIMALS. THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE MY NOTEBOOKS EITHER.
I NEED TO SPARK A FIGHT [doing that is very simple. All I need to do is just speak my mind, for once. Of say “Benoît” out loud HAHAHAHAHAHA (yes, only mentioning his name is enough, I know from past experience)] TO JUST BE ABLE TO WANDER. I WOULD RATHER WANDER AROUND THE WORLD WITH THE €658.60 I HAVE, THAN SIT IN MY FUCKING ROOM. THE PROBLEM IS THAT I DON’T WANT THEM TO CALL THE COPS ON ME AGAIN. BUT FUCK ITTTTT. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ON MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY.
But typing out a rage isn’t very satisfying. There’s still some anger left. A punching bag would be great, right now. Or to speed again. Or run… I’ll just go back to the story I was telling you.
I put the food in a bag, with a bottle of water, searched for the car keys and gave the friend her jacket. I already walked outside to start the car and drive it towards the entrance of “””””my””””” [ohhh it’s nottttttt mine] house. When we were almost outside the neighborhood (2 out of 3 roundabouts), my mother was on the phone and mentioned: “But we don’t have food with us.” I thought FUCKING DAMMITTTTT. And drove back.
Driving 145 km/h most of the time, was partially because it is important to be next to the sick bed at this time and partially to get rid of the anger from my parents acting all casual and watching tv, and then acting as if I’m the one who’s acting crazy. I live with the: “I wish I visited him more often,” feeling. I don’t want her to feel that, too.
At the old folks home [where they have shit loads of morphine. Person from abroad: is that normal? I think not…], many relatives bailed out or said “I’ll be there tomorrow”. Reminds me of my friends [especially my no show ex boyfriend, when I hosted THE ENTIRE CEREMONY. I PLANNED EVERYTHINGGGGGGG] when my grandfather passed away.
When I was cooking, I already felt a sudden extra connection with the friend. People here treat me like I’m deaf. They comment on me, while I’m sitting right next to them. The problem is that their words cause so much anger, I don’t know if loudly arguing will satisfy it. In advance, I know that they’re so fucking dumb that they’ll think their arguments are “the right ones”. I don’t give a fuck about their other shallow topics of conversation. That’s the reason I often don’t talk to them. I just have nothing to say to it, because I don’t give a fuck. And I might be stuck with more frustration after an argument. So I just let them do their shit to me. The water that was given to me, tasted like that spiked lorazepam-ish water that was given to us for dinner in the institution, that was given to me after I tried to commit suicide in the institution and that was given to me at the police station, before/during the interrogation. The friend has one of these stupid labels I think shouldn’t exist, because they lead to less confidence and living up to the symptoms: “ADD”. This is already the cause of her mother treating her as if she can’t tie her own shoelaces – just like mine does, because she believes that I have autism and am a schizophrenic – but since the concussion, it “leveled up”.
If a doctor ever tells me: “There’s nothing we can do. You only have a few days left,” I would beat himmmmmmmmm. Out of frustration that my life is in the hands of such a fucking loser, who’s actually a fucking murderer. There is always a solution, in actuality. But not in this disgusting place. In this country, when you’re arian and rich, they’ll let you live, no matter what. [Because of the risk of getting sued.] If you’re on welfare, are not high educated, are foreign, are “mentally ill”, are female and/or have a unique (and thus “expensive” illness), they won’t let you live. The country is too full and the cost of living is too high. The less, the better. [I LEARNT THIS IN SCHOOL. AAAAAAAAAAAH 😬😾😾😾😾.]
“To reduce the suffering” [IT’S BULLSHIT, BUT THAT IS THE ARGUMENT THEY USE. AFTER “WE’RE GIVING UP ON YOU”, INFINITE SUFFERING IS ALREADY INITIATED, FUCKING HEARTLESS MURDERERS.] around the evening, they start giving you morphine. The dosage gets raised in a very short time interval. (60 to 30 minutes.) [They did this to my grandfather and MANYYYYYYYYY other people, including the grandmother of my sister’s friend, as I’m writing this.]
When the doctor who “””””treated””””” [FUCKING PRETNISON?????? THAT SHIT IS MURDER, MAN] my grandfather, told my grandmother: “Van harte gecondoleerd met het overlijden van uw man.” I WANTED TO FUCKING KILL HIM. “VAN HARTE” IS WHAT YOU SAY FOR SOMEONE’S BIRTHDAY.
In the descriptions of what I experience, I stick to the laws of privacy, because I don’t use their first names etc. I still have the right to vent.
It’s 02:47 (AM) now. Time for bed…
I’ll be making a bedroom podcast, because my brain needs more rest. I’m aware that I need to cut down on writing, but it’s the only way I can vent. Most people I talk to, aren’t able to understand what I’m going through. They don’t know how to respond to it, so they just either say that I’m wrong [then I internally get so angry that I don’t even respond to it] or it’s “I’m open to hear everything,” but then not trying to level with me.
Meoww, I need to empty my bed. I want to get the fuck out of here, tomorrow. Oh boy, I want to vanish sooo bad. Again… It would be nice to not be here on my birthday. I’d rather disappear than die. My budget is low, but not that low. I also need more medical assistance, because I still have the idea that things with my health need to be fixed. I don’t have the budget for that anyway, so… Maybe I can still afford dentures against teeth grinding. That’s something I do soooo intensly.
My wig and microphone are on my bed. There are some plates and stuff in my room, I still want to carry downstairs. It’s now 03:07. I might stop the AM/PM thing. I did it in the context of “reaching an international audience”. Some people I talk to online, say that they don’t know what time that is, when I don’t translate it to AM/PM. Oh my godd I wish I could find some friends with better intellect fastttt.
I’m off to bed
Good night 💕
Often, I lie down and, through reasoning, I try to get an overview of everything that’s going on inside of me. Mentally and physically.
In the ocean of sounds, the big crowds of people and the grandiose ways all kinds of public technology guide and simplify life, I’m not able to find the same inner focus anymore. Since “the situation”, I feel the constant need to make sure that my behavior is normal enough to not be judged for it, when I’m around other people.
In public, my thoughts are constantly focused on not making mistakes. “Two minutes until the metro comes. It’s too busy here. I want to be able to sit. Walk until right past the rain shed. Not too close to the tracks. Walking straight would be easier if I weren’t nervous. Why do people always stare at me when I walk past? Does my hair look weird? It’s almost here. I think that if I do two steps to the right, when it stops, it will be right in front of me.”
“It’s slippery. Make a large step over the space between the platform and the metro. Hold on tight to everything. It can’t overcome me that drop anything onto the tracks, because I can’t afford to buy any of these things again. Nice. There’s a window seat free, with no one on the seat next to it. Of course, I’ll put my bag on my lap. I don’t want to be judged for not taking others into consideration. Again, I keep meeting people’s eyes, when I feel that they’re staring at me, so I look at them. Then our eyes meet for a split second and they look away. What does their look mean? It would be more comfortable if they would just say why they do it. Ah, I don’t want to think about this. If I increase the sound of the music I’m listening to enough, maybe I can find that same level of inner peace again. I miss what we had, on the spiritual side of my body. Please talk to me. Wait, what if these people notice that I’m talking to you, and they call the psychiatrists on me? They can notice, because when I hear you, and when I shift my focus to only our conversation, I can’t help but smile. I hate that people believe that our gift is a mental disease. No one can know about the connection I have with you. They’ll lock me inside an institution again. I never want that to happen again. But still, I miss your voice inside my head so much. What did you say? I’m afraid that I’ll misinterpret it, so I can’t say that I heard your words with certainty.”
Since the moment I saw you, I was suddenly sure that other people who are like me, truly exist. Your thoughts must be similar to mine.
Every night, I prayed that my feelings of loneliness and heartache will disappear. Every night, I prayed for being able to communicate with our thoughts, inside my head. Then, I could take you with me, everywhere I go. Especially when things in the physical realm get uncomfortable, I can then safely zone out, and focus on the two of us. (It’s interesting that I considered us being together in real life so impossible – then, we were both in a relationship – that I didn’t even think of praying for it. And now it’s all I live for…)
Me: “Pardon. Mag ik er even langs?”
Me: “Dank u.”
I want to use polite words that make people respond to me with a similar kind of politeness, but it never seems to work out. Maybe my words aren’t polite enough. Maybe they don’t want that form of social warmth. Maybe they don’t even have the vocabulary to express social warmth. It gives me chest pains.
“I want to do this as fast as possible. If I walk like this, I can pass everyone and be out of this crowd in the fastest way. I hope the small metro gate doors don’t slam shut in my face again. I see an old lady on the other side of the escalator, so I’ll take the stairs.”
Permanent side-effects leave a constant pressure on my brain. I need to relax my brain, to be able to hear you. With the pressure, I tend to move the device myself, because only with your voice in my head, I’m able to relax nowadays. It moves itself per syllable. If you focus on my hair and ears at the same time, you can really see it move.
The idea that you love me and that you can hear my frequency, makes me feel more safe.
I’ve chosen this method to describe the level, because I think this makes it easier for you to imagine my experience. Also, in this indirect way of describing, the person who would negatively judge me for my experience, won’t understand what I mean. It was a secret, but because I was forced to talk about it – for a very long time, I didn’t, because I already knew what their conclusion would be, but after more than 6 months, it was starting to tire me, and I hoped that their conclusion would be something else – I gave them a tiny bit of information about The Head Cuddle.
Italics = description of thoughts/feelings/perception
“Italics” = thoughts (unspoken)
“Normal” = spoken words
“Bold” = The Head Cuddle
Monday, October 22, 2018
Me: Visje… Kom je eten?
From now on, I want to stop hiding the inner conversation that emerged on May 22, 2017.
It’s “Visje”, because he called himself “a small fish”, in a message he sent me in the beginning of last year . He’s way too Cuddle and Graet to call himself “a small fish” :D. The Cuddleniss is hard to express in words, because it’s so Cuddle, I say Visje and try to induce as much Cuddle as possible.
Visje, give me Cishes, want ik mis je. [It’s too staccato and imperative. I can’t breathe in that much, so I use the least amount of words possible.] That’s something I sing often, inside myself. [I’m “too (un)cool” to sing it out loud…]]
The sentiment makes me want to disappear, because the expression of it makes me feel like I want to exercise out the pressure that is put on my muscles. I want to kiss you… But I shouldn’t, at the same time.
My response – I’m talking e-mailing – included the comparison between him and the “fish character from the national lottery”. I made this comparison, by means of portraying him in the context of a small fish, to “serenade” how valuable he is, in terms of how much he can add to our society and how much he means to me – especially where I live, in the type of culture where, I think, because of the people/space rate, there is a more hostile survival of the fittest [Please don’t consider me a populist.], where money works stress-relieving and it makes people cheer, from the forms of essentials, wealth, comfort, power and/or greatness it brings. [It is unfortunate that some of us need to work so hard, to only provide ourselves with essentials. I can not cheer, because of this form of powerlessness. It’s unfair :(. I want to cause a small shift. I don’t intend to give people a lot of wealth and them let them do nothing for the rest of their lives. It’s important to develop the gift of reasoning, I believe. @ D.O.C.I.S.. Participation is optional. NOT AT ALL mandatory. I want to help people.]
00:56 (12:56 AM)
I don’t want to go to sleep and leave you with a cliffhanger. It’s past bedtime and I’m tired, though, so I’ll tell you about the scope of “Level 4” [reference to the October 17 post] and how it relates to “the situation”.
First I’ll take my make-up off, brush my teeth and undress myself, to enter cuddle-mode, in my bed.
Directly and indirectly, things related to “Level 4” and “the situation” have been mentioned ve-ry often. Even though I’ve done this, it’s still a sensitive topic. It would be so uplifting to find those who believe in my vision, but my perspective includes the existence of certain (cognitive) abilities. This far, people have drawn the conclusion of me being a schizophrenic, without giving me the chance to prove myself. I do not agree with their conclusion. The only way I can prove myself, is by conducting an experiment, for which I need a very special subject from “Level 4”.
A thought is, to me, what your inner voice says. What I mean by thoughts is all forms of sound that are made by your brain, as if you have a secret radio frequency to yourself, no one else can hear. On this frequency, you can, for example, let your inner voice reasoning something out. You could also imagine a piano melody.
Some people talk to themselves out loud and name that “thinking”. I consider a thought a thought, when “no one else” can hear it. It’s an inside process. If you say your thoughts out loud, with your mouth, I would call that “sharing thoughts” and not “thinking”. [“What to share?” is something I rapidly repeat to myself in my thoughts, when I’m in a conversation where thoughts are shared. If the person isn’t open to my perspective, I don’t have many thoughts to share. I wonder if those who say that talking is thinking, are able to internally reason… Haha okay, this is a very elaborate introduction for something way past bedtime, but I just need to give you this example:
A while back, I was grocery shopping in the Lidl. While I was searching for something, a middle-aged grey haired lady, standing next to me, said something. I asked her if she said something to me. She said:
“Oh, no. When you get older, you just start to reason things out. I named the things I came to buy.”
“Oh, okay. Is that a method to stay sharp?”
“No. It just happens naturally, those thoughts coming up.”]
My frequency of thoughts (and prayers) is the largest part of my personality. In the spiritual realm – where my “private frequency” is – I can do much more than in the physical realm.
In my mind, I’m always so occupied with things that are so different from what the masses find interesting. “Level 4” feels the same way.
The level includes more than one person. There is, however, one extra unique spot reserved for one person.
I felt so alone in my thoughts and personality, that I often cried after school, another fight over nothing and/or hanging out. This feeling of loneliness changed for the better, the first time I saw a professor in real life.
I thought, while looking at him: “Wow. You must be of a different breed. I wonder what your thoughts are like. It’s like everyone is trying to think less. With your profession, you’re doing the exact opposite. I love it! I want to befriend him…”
This was during the “student for a day programme”, in 2015. I was in my second to last year of high school (for the second time).
What I used to do with my thoughts often is something I call “counter-narrating”: when someone is talking, I feed the conversation with thoughts, in my thoughts. I counter-narrate, while my body listenes.
During the lecture, I was counter-narrating, too. Usually, when I do that, my thoughts aren’t that much in sync with the conversation. Let’s say: I think “potato!” And the person says: “Television!” We’re in sync when we both say the same thing.
At the lecture, everything was perfectly timed. Even the short side-stories in his lecture, had the same topics as my counter-narrating. At some point, I thought: “It’s like you can hear my frequency…”
That time, was also my first time ever, reasoning in English. I usually always reasoned in only Dutch. I adapted my inner language to the language he was speaking in.
After introducing English thoughts, I, from the next day onward, also started to sometimes practice my French and German in my thoughts. (That’s why I can hold simple conversations in German.)
[I’m telling you how I discovered “Level 4”, which is a very long introduction of a huge permanent change of topics in my diary, but I’ll continue this tomorrow. Good night!♥]
My whole life is built around Level 4. It’s what I’m mentally occupied with the most. The explanation of this level and how it influences my beliefs and goals, is something I have been keeping to myself – even here – because I’m afraid to lose readers, when I bring the controversial topic to the foreground.
I need to stop altering my behavior for the sake of being (at least slightly) appreciated. I’m very aware of my thoughts, beliefs, endeavors and interests not being like those of the masses. Especially after reading passages in Letters from a Stoic [I haven’t finished it yet], I fear being different less.
My belief in “Level 4” has brought me quite some trouble, but at the same time, it’s the reason why I’m still alive. So, from now on, I’ll be showing you the “craziest” [or “most unique, and therefore sensitive”] side of myself.
Excuse this intermezzo, my reader. I, simultaneously, use this diary to keep an overview of things, and what currently is kind of a blur to me, is my transition from Lil Fangs to Daniëlle Lucy – and if I should even do it – and how to change D.O.C.I.S. International into (another…) hybrid version, because “soon” has passed. What I was planning to do, was to “assist every client myself”. There’s a maximum of clients I can help, before my task has to be automated. It’s best to automate that task from the start. That’s something costly, though… My initial intention was to earn that with what I earn from the other clients. But an investment from the start is better for my business and my health.
Should I turn this into something on Kickstarter…?
Woaaah whaaatttt… I just looked at the projects on Kickstarter… I didn’t know that people are willing to invest in the publishing of a book…
There’s not really a category for the final form of D.O.C.I.S. International. It includes buying land and establishing compounds and several different businesses on it… The people who live there, are personal publishing brands…
Today, I at least want to change this website a little and include ads on them. I don’t know if I should make the investment aspect something public…? I think it’s better to… Yessss!!!!! I’ll host the fundraiser myself! Instead of hosting it on Kickstarter!
Ohhh meoow I suddenly have so much inspiration!!!
This still relates to Level 4, because I intend to get my business to that level that will make people see me as someone from the status of the other people in Level 4. Even though “we already know each other”, our lives are such fixed routines, that we can’t throw them around to be united. I am the one who needs to create the opportunity for that. Through my business, we don’t have to disrupt our life’s routines [but we could, for sure! I’m definitely interested in doing that. I know it’s safe to do it. It’s a big step, which is why I don’t state it as a “have to”] to be able to truly be ourselves and be loving and ambitious people who make even bigger changes.
Maybe I should put “Volta” on Kickstarter…? Ah, I don’t know… I’m afraid I won’t make the deadline…
Sorry for putting the explanation of Level 4 on hold, but the D.O.C.I.S. International website being down is eating at me… I have finally found a way to work towards the final state of the organization, still avoid the dependency on an investment fund and smoothly transition from Lil Fangs into Daniëlle Lucy.
I think I will – by the way – keep both aliases!!! Daniëlle “is” the form of myself I consider the right example. Lil Fangs “is” where I divert from that. Here, things are a bit more “grey”. I show you my path.
Lil Fangs, shows you my lessons. Daniëlle Lucy, shows you my results.
It’s 14:36 now. I’ll be eating and showering…
16:55 (04:55 PM)
This will take a few days. I intend to be done (a couple of days) before my birthday.
The layout overviews, I’ll finish today for sure. Only for the texts, I need more than a day.
In the “surprise episode”, I’ll tell you everything about Level 4. It’s not really a surprise anymore, now that I mentioned it to you. In it, I also state how I’m going to stop the Nosce Te Ipsum series and transition part of the idea behind it (minus the engagement, the certificates, et cetera) to (the) Volta (series). It’s written as a conversation with two different sides of myself.
I’m going to take a short break [something I should do more often. From going past my limit, I get this crazy headache…]. [That rhymes, haha!]
While I wrote that, ideas kept popping up and I’ve now finished one overview. It was that of the free episode, which won’t have “Nosce Te Ipsum” in the title anymore. While I wrote the previous sentence, I came up with the idea for a final chapter about it.
Here’s a short overview of a short book I will write in a short period of time.
Okayy, I’ll be taking that break now. It’s now 17:35. I’ll continue at 18:35. “A new purpose for old ideas” will be replaced by something else…
20:35 (08:35 PM)
Meoww, I don’t know if forcing myself to write so much in such a short period of time is healthy, but it’s such a great opportunity to get D.O.C.I.S. International to its final state and live the life I want to live, at the same time!!
Plus, with the Daniëlle Lucy x Lil Fangs fundraiser, I can finally go on a real holiday, make some new proffessional pictures and move out the way I want to move out at once… I don’t assume to succeed, because this is a lot to ask, but I love trying it! I hope you’ll still support me, regardless of the size of my request…
21:11 (09:11 PM)
I’m done with the layout overviews. I can’t wait to be doneee with everything!!! I would sooo loveeee to see D.O.C.I.S. International grow towards its final physical state. I’m raising funds to raise funds to enter the (public and private) stock market. And to buy corporate land to establish 3 businesses on. One for publishing (in many different ways), one for research and one for export and charity. The D.O.C.I.S. International website will explain this in detail and explain why this will be successful!
Meoww, I really need this holiday…
If someone were to ask me what I truly want for my birthday: it’s my own house in California and a kiss from Benoît… But the way it currently seems, I will be hiding underneath my bed sheets all day, hoping for the day to end, wanting to delete all of my social media – but not doing it, because for some reason I think it’s mean towards “the friend” – and then ending up eating at some restaurant – I’ve never gone to a restaurant for my birthday before – with a small amount of relatives.
I think the existence of my birthday is painful, because it’s a day on which people make “celebrating you” statements. For me, after “the situation” and the traumatizing birthday I had last year, there is really nothing to say. I think saying things like: “Happy birthday! I’m so glad to be your friend and I’m very proud of the things you’ve accomplished this far” et cetera, can’t be said anymore, by the people who used to say things like this. It was nice, back then – aside from the crying after coming home and feeling lonely as fuck even when surrounded by a lot of them [“nice”… I’m just being polite… Speaking my mind could end up in an unnecessary fight, I would rather avoid] – but I’m very sure it’s over now. And I consider that something good. The only thing I need to do is seal it, by making a fresh start somewhere else.
I think it’s pointless being friends, if he/she doesn’t even have a path and I’m over-occupied with mine. I used to be interested in gossip, but now it just gives me palpitations from the uselessness of the words that are spoken in the context of it.
I can’t be friends with people who don’t give a fuck about what I do… If I would have a friend who keeps an online diary, I would read it. I would show so much interest in his/her work. If I were to text him/her, it would probably be about something his/her mind is occupied with, such as his/her diary [as a man, would you say “blog” instead of “diary”? I think “diary” sounds good!].
If I were to see him/her write about thoughts of suicide, I would at least say that I can relate to what he/she says, ask if talking about it with me would make him/her feel better and ask if he/she wants to cuddle and cat. I can’t give this, “But life is great!!” pep talk [a few people have done that to me. I do not at all recommend it. It made me want to die even more], because I don’t agree with it. What I would love to do with him/her, is, together, work on ways to improve ourselves and to improve life itself. [Here comes Volta!!!]
No cheap ads on Facebook etc. for my fundraiser(s)…? Or should I do it…?
If there’s no engagement without marketing it, I’ll do it.
Noo waitt, it’s better to market the free book. If, again, there’s no engagement without marketing. [Please engage, my Cuddle!♥ I don’t like the simplicity and flashiness of advertisements… But you’ll see them here soon.]
“Random fun fact” [it’s not fun], I need to have filed my company’s tax report by October 31st. I would love for it not to be “quite a few small business expenses, €0 revenue,” but that’s the way it is, unfortunately. It’s for the second to last quarter of 2018. Ah, meow 😔. I hope it will be different, for October – December…
Should I start with the texts, or play some games on my Nintendo Switch?
23:27 (11:27 PM)
I’ve been writing a piece of D.O.C.I.S.. I feel that this will be a work I’ll be a lot more proud of. It’s also written with a lot more serious sentiment in my tone. Still, it has some playful elements, because, the content is written in a slightly imaginative setting. It’s a very long conversation between Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs. That’s the playful and imaginative part. I’m telling you this in advance, because I’m hoping to get you excited for reading it[, my Graeyniss¡].
I don’t think it’s right to play games right before going to bed, because of the flashing lights. It’s actually not even right to write before going to sleep, when it’s on my blog, since that includes a screen.
So, I’ll be trying out Headspace. That’s a meditation app I downloaded a while back. I used to not use an app to meditate – and a part of me says that I’m intelligent enough to not use an app for meditation – but I think it will bring some improvement.
Meoww, I will not mention Level 4 in D.O.C.I.S., by the way. I’ll extensively write about it in Volta and I’ll summarize what it is tomorrow. It’s the first thing on my list for tomorrow!
I want to write it down, because I want to spend the rest of my life with them. When we openly unite, here, it will be stated that that is a truly good thing that is supposed to happen.
Good night, in advance ♥
My Cuddle ♥
In case you wonder around what time it’s best to visit this website, to see a(n) (live) update, it’s around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and around 11 o’clock in the evening.
Depending on how today goes, my evening update could be a lot later. I’ll be meeting up with a friend, later. I’m now still in bed…
I al-ways wake up tired. I then tend to keep myself falling asleep, until I feel less tired than when I woke up. What I seek, however, is some method/way of life where I don’t wake up tired anymore. In my entire life, I only remember waking up well-rested once.
To boost the success of this new way of life, I’ll need a new bed. I sleep on a €100 box spring. I need a more firm mattress to not wake up with my back aching. I also need a new set of pillows that not cause neck pains.
I would love to have a bed that is firm enough for me to meditate on it. Now, when I sit on my bed with my legs folded/in half lotus position, it takes quite some effort to keep my back straight and sit comfortably, because my mattress is so not firm.
Yoga and/or pilates have been recommended to me, because of the dysfunctions in my spinal column. I’ve been wanting to improve my agility for a while [when I was doing pençak silat at age 6, I already had trouble touching my toes from a standing position, etc…]. I postpone it, because stretching hurts so much. Now, I’m quite motivated to start, but I prefer to do this in private, instead of in a class, because in some ways, I’m so not supple. I can touch the ground with my head, while I sit with my legs folded, but I can’t touch my toes, when my legs are stretched out.
The most ideal would be to have enough space in my room for this. But that’s not the case. Only the living room allows for it. But I don’t want to be seen…….
For taking better care of my back – a(nother) cause of chest pains – I should thus somehow get a better bed and find (the confidence) to do yoga/pilates [I want to do both]. Even though I currently don’t even have the budget, I, again, consider it a bad investment to buy a bed for in this room, while I want to be living somewhere else.
My financial situation is making my head spin. A few weeks ago I was still making plans for Cali/Italy. Now, when I enter a store, I think: “Everything I purchase now, I actually shouldn’t purchase.” [That’s why I keep it to a minimum.]
How am I suddenly going to earn enough, to settle myself somewhere, where I don’t feel the constant threaths of unhealthy living circumstances and the unsafety of the water levels…..
The first step is online ads, I guess, but who clicks on them….
The second step could be the release of Volta.
But I don’t want to release books the way I previously did… I want my own cross-platform reading platform and hardcovers instead of paperbacks. I really need an investor. I think I also need to have a different lifestyle – the one that truly suits me – to establish myself in a better way, as a brand. But investments are not for personal expenses! So how the fuck am I going to fix this? 😀
The custom made couch my parents bought, arrived from Italy today. I think it will be comfortable meditating on it.
When it comes to my health expenses, I’ve been given two “and a half” options to get the money back: my mother offered to pay me back half – from her personal account, my father offered to pay me back the full amount and then “settle it with the tax agency” (two days ago) – but I don’t want to be financially involved in any schemes or I could ask the health insurance company I’m insured with for a refund, but I don’t have the module that allows for second opinions abroad anymore.
The €1236 on health expenses (which is definitely going to increase soon) – excluding the costs of staying there, “of course” – is an amount of money I shouldn’t do anything with. It’s not enough to start the life I want to live with. It’s not enough to turn my business into what I want it to be. It would be enough to buy a new bed with, but I’d actually rather sleep in a larger bed. In a larger room…
Sure, I won’t die from keeping my life the way it is now, but I don’t enjoy it at all and I constantly feel this: “I need to get away,” pressure….
If I want to talk to a family counselor on November 24? Why do I keep letting myself be talked into “Yes, this is really good for us”??? Digging up past shit will just stress me out soooo much. Personally, I think that if a relationship needs counselling, the relationship shouldn’t exist. That would be, if I were to truly speak my mind to this counselor – which I don’t intend to, because I don’t like when people try to “figure things out” by listening to half my story and then drawing conclusions – I would also say that, if I were to listen to my heart, I would say that I will never again feel comfortable around the people who have emotionally hurt me by surprise so often. I would rather get comfortable around those who strive to a similar future as mine anyway. They want to never move away from here. I want to get away from here as soon as possible. Of course, they could visit me, if I were to give them my address. But truthfully, we have nothing to talk about.
I literally already feel my heart beat increase, by means of being able to take an emotional punch to the chest.
Aiight, I need to get up, shower and eat and stuff. I feel so stuck here, I just want to lay down and reason in my bed all day. I didn’t get a response to the correspondence I sent earlier. Now, I really don’t know what to do anymore.
For me to receive any investment and move abroad, I find that my records should represent the trustworthy person I am. I want the files in my medical records to be replaced with the findings from Germany. I would like to research my brain, lungs and heart further. Currently, just existing, doesn’t feel comfortable. The more I breathe, the more I feel like the amount of air I breathe in is not enough. I also feel like the air I breathe in here is dirty.
In the house, there are containers with paint in the living room and there are many computers on 24/7. It really feels as if I live in a data center. Outside, there are so many cars, ships with containers and other things polluting the air.
I took these pictures, yesterday:
Also, there are decades old, artificial, uncleaned ponds everywhere. They often smell…
It’s fine if you want to be a nationalist for this country, just don’t tell me to do the same thing. What’s the fastest way out? To the people saying: “Rot op naar je eigen land,” I want to say: “Ja, graag.”
Ah meoww my birthday is coming way to close. I always have this intense: “Okay, this were this year’s accomplishments. This is on next year’s “to be accomplished” list… I dooon’t want to reflect on my life. I don’t even want to act as if there’s something to celebrate. I’m still here…. When I was younger, I thought I would have made it out abroad by age 18….”
I’m not going to commit suicide around or on my birthday, but I really don’t want to exist on November 1st…
17:02 (05:02 PM)
How am I going to satisfy myself? I can’t keep suppressing my feelings in the physical realm and then keep venting them here, without me changing the situation for the better. I don’t want to vent anymore. I want serious improvement…
On relationship counselling: it’s good that someone might want to improve a relationship. It can be great for other people. Personally, it doesn’t suit me, because digging up stressful memories, is something that makes me want to cry, scream and run.
I write down my flashbacks here, sometimes. I wish I didn’t have them. I feel bad about that there’s a place on the web, where I express how I truly feel, while the people I express myself towards, in the physical realm, see a completely different self-expression of me. Physically, I’m just trying to keep the peace.
In the physical realm, when someone, for example, tells me an offensive joke, I will laugh about it. Even though, on the inside, I don’t find it funny at all. In such moments, I always think: “If I were to speak my mind, it will just lead to a long discussion, about a topic that I didn’t want to cross my mind in the first place. So it’s better to do or say whatever will end this topic of conversation in the fastest way possible.”
If I have to adapt myself to someone in that way, I wouldn’t mind never interacting with that person again.
I believe that for every person, there’s at least one other person with whom he/she will never clash. So if you’re clashing with someone, in such a way that you need therapy, why not spend your time with someone with whom you don’t clash? That’s a lot less stressful, I think.
So my palpitations are not “dangerous”, which is nice. They must be caused by stress and anxiety. My pulse is influenced by this, but the movement of my skull isn’t!!
I need to find a solution to my fatigue, before I can do anything else. If I were to be to be less stressed, I would rest better. Agility training will also decrease the amount of stress in my body. A better bed will also let me rest better. Maybe changing my diet a little, too. And listening to my body when she tells me I, for example, should take a break from writing. I should also accept that fast fatigue could be a side-effect of the state of my heart.
The factors for stress and fatigue are “each other’s opposites”. My stress is caused by my finances, my ambitions and certain social needs. To fix those issues, there are a lot of things to do!
Just thinking about applying for a job again – while I have my own business, feels like giving in to having failed – and it then having to be in something with customer service, because that pays the highest, for my “level of education”, just makes me want to cry. I can’t stand the animal-like way customers treat personnel. I don’t enjoy shallow conversations and having a fixed set of tasks. I want to use all of my capacities and be compensated for that in a representative way. With the last job I had, I just kept going, even though I had it bad, emotionally. I could hide it. I still kept going the extra mile for those clients. But to keep myself heading to the right direction, I could apply for a job. If I do this, I want it to be a contract for 2 to 3 months again.
I would actually rather work abroad. But I need to be able to at least finance the first month of living there, to be able to have a place to stay the entire time that I work there. I would have to have one month of food and rent in advance, and then I’d live off of my salary the next month…
The business plans I’ve been making, were always formed around the strategy where I focus on achieving as much as possible, with the lowest budget possible, to make that slowly climax into the final result I’m working towards.
It hurts me to see where I’ve stranded. After making all kinds of plans. I in a way, it’s not that bad, because those plans were all low-budget, hybrid solutions. They get me a step closer to what I’m working towards. If I were to have an investor, I can construct what I’m working towards at once. As long as I’m not there, I’ll be an unsatisfied slave to my ambitions. I just thought that I wouldn’t be stuck to my bed, still…
For me to start the final form of my business, I need Council members, though… I need a new network… Where could I have a chance of running in to you? If you would also be an investor, active owner and publicist, together with me, that would be the best, most fun outcome ever.
There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life, that every single decision I make, influences my success towards those accomplishments (either in a positive or negative way).
I want to be done with my list of accomplishments as fast as possible. Things such as temporarily working for a boss, are not on my list (anymore). I consider it a distraction from my path, which might unfortunately be necessary, to be able to provide for myself in the meantime.
Every day, I feel a little bit more lonely. I want to stop the increase of this feeling. I dream of having friends I can spend an infinite period of time with, because we are so independent and have so much in common, that never I will think to myself: “It has been nice, but I’m getting tired of this. Now, it’s time for me to be alone again, be myself and continue working towards the things I’m trying to achieve.” I get this when I feel that I won’t be able to adapt to the person/people I’m spending time with, for much longer. After a long period of adapting – because I’m not good at talking without the conversation having a purpose anymore – I just want to go to my room, sit down in my desk chair or lay myself down on my bed, and let all of the adaptation stress out with one long sigh.
If we’re on the same path, I’ll never feel the need to be alone. The things you think about when you’re alone, are the same things as I think about when I’m alone. I don’t like to be or feel alone – but when I have to adapt, I prefer it. If your need for love is the same as mine, we’ll be inseparable!
I said, “We are so independent.” The sentence where I mentioned that, was the description of an ideal situation. Currently, I’m not independent. I might be independent in my reasoning, but financially, I’m not independent at all. I don’t make enough to “incasseren” the financial blows of sudden high bills. My hourly rate is too low, because it is solely based on the diplomas you have and your years of working experience. This causes me to not rent an apartment (yet). [I would actually rather buy a piece of land from the beginning, because I’m thinking of the long term.] In this context of independence, I can’t say: “Please come over today,” and then have this meeting of us one day turn into you staying with me the entire week. I don’t have my own house, so even though I would loveeee to do that, I can’t do it yet.
My social needs will be 100% satisfied, the day that I’m (re-)united with “Level 4”.
23:42 (11:42 PM)
A picture I of the couch I took earlier:
I want to be able to buy a couch like this, too, one day. This one has a built-in phone charger.
Ah, meow… My trust issues shouldn’t surface in what I write in this diary. I should tell you about “Level 4″…
Good afternoon :]
There are some pictures I took with my phone yesterday that I would like to show you:
To mime the metaphorical context: two versions of you, one hopeful and one anxious, have been handcuffed to me. I, your escort, am a prisoner, too. For a very long time, I’ve been stuck in this prison. I know ways to escape, but to succeed, I need your strength. Let me guide you to freedom, while we turn the manifestation of fear into more courage and more confidence. I consider this life we live, where the system determines how you spend your time, a prison. [You need to earn, to be able to satisfy yourself in your basic needs.]
Since this is public domain work, I’m allowed to take pictures of the book?
The scenery you see the picture is taken in, shows that it’s taken in a “coffee shop”. In coffeeshops, weed is sold legally. Don’t go there for coffee, because it’s from a vending machine XD.
I’ll elaborate on things later, because now, again, I need to get up and eat something.
16:20 (04:20 PM)
What should I make for dinner? I’m thinking of something Paleo 🤔.
16:49 (04:49 PM)
While my mother buys groceries, I’ll be working on some “small reforms” for D.O.C.I.S. International. I need to take small steps, because when I give in to my overambitiousness [haha “overambitiousneas”], I forget to focus in my heart beat and influence it, to keep it going steady. (My father is going to see Orbital tonight. So we’re in charge of dinner now that he isn’t able to cook on his “cooking day”.)
20:52 (08:52 PM)
Meoww, “Level 4” is such a headache from hell yeah man I’m sorry for not being able to express my feelings for you to attend the wedding and the second one is dominating the best out of each other and who is tired of being awake at this time of year again
Plans abruptly changed, when my mother came home and I proposed to accompany her to the grocery store. In the car, I mentioned that I was very tired and we were both not really in the mood to cook, so:
The food was nice. I ate too much of it, haha. Makes me have more trouble breathing 😅. I was dressed for going grocery shopping ahahahaha.
Meoww, I write down what comes to mind, so I’m not going to “backspace” any of this, but I really need to stop making these “insecurity statements”. It’s insecurity in the context of mentioning what should be improved, because I’m afraid I’m making a bad impression on you, and I, by mentioning it, I want to show that I have an eye for improvement.
Speaking of improvement, it’s better for me to work towards the final state of D.O.C.I.S. International at once. It’s better for my health and better for the clarity of the first impression, as well as its success, to work towards the organization’s final state at once. So, I didn’t work on the changes I wanted to make, today, but that has saved me a lot of pressure. I put a lot of time pressure on myself, when I work on anything. Part of me always wants to show all of the diverse things I can do. And then show that I can do it very fast, as well. (Because before that, some people often called me slow, so I decided to start always doing things as fast as possible, so that I’ll never have to hear that comment that gives me chest pains again.)
My mom mentioned that I should start something like a shop somewhere in this country. I told her that I like her input and that I used to have something similar in mind. Currently, there are a “two” factors stopping me from going for that:
While I was making the list, I also wrote the following:
When it comes to the relationship between me and my family, on the outside, we have not been clashing for a very long time [almost a year now¿], which is good. The clashes always bring so much heartache.
I have, however, also been holding back on speaking my mind for, basically, the same period of time. I want things to be peaceful. It sucks that this peacefulness doesn’t stem from being like-minded and that my heart has a fucking bad time holding back what I really want to say. (If it didn’t influence the state of my heart, I would have been able to keep the peace forever.)
I want to say that some statements that I hear being made or that are mentioned to me – often science, politics, culture and/or specific individuals related – are so cold and badly substantiated that they give me such intense chest pains. But, speaking from past experience, saying this out loud could lead to an increase of that type of statements, and then also with the topic of me, in a negative way, which is even more frustrating.
Not every relative is related to this pain to the same degree. I’m also still doubting about: “Who to keep is healthy?”
On taking the morning after pill: by “letting myself be talked into”, I meant that I, in the rush, allowed unprotected penetration, while my initial intention was to solely use a hand to rub his tip against my clitoris. But explaining why I don’t want to take the morning after and explaining that my alternative can lead to an orgasm, too, felt like too many words. [I can take quite some minutes to explain to you why I don’t want to have those morning after pill toxines in my body. In short, I fear the long term consequences. Women who took softenon, for example, conceived handicapped children. I don’t know if maybe the morning after can have such after-effects. Also, I like my very infrequent menstrual cycle, but the pill will initiate it soon [but when¿¿¿].] I should have said: “No. I don’t want to take that pill. We can climax my way, or not climax at all,” but I don’t have that type of fierceness in my nature – now that my heart isn’t the same. My problem is that without an orgasm, I can’t sleep. If you were to lay next to me, for some reason it feels like an insult to only masturbate myself to sleep. Usually, someone sleeping next to me, wouldn’t lead to sex. Lately – two people in the past 5 months – I’ve been giving in to it. This is another factor that just makes me want to start over. I want to have my own house and have friends who have a truly similar lifestyle as I have.
I’m not a minimalist. A lot of people I meet are minimalists. It’s fine if you want to be a minimalist. I strive to live my own form of Stoïcism, where I could also settle for living with less. With the amount of assets I would like to generate and in my spendings, however, I intend to still be able to do large investments in products that stay of good quality in the long run. I also intend to – let’s say I’m about to lose everything – buy things value-fixed, that I can sell, to still keep myself comfortable. For the rest of our society and for the economy, I also think that being a minimalist isn’t the best decision. If you solely work to maintain yourself in the simplest way possible, you won’t be able to invest in the improvement of our society. I have quite a few charity plans. These, I can’t put into practice, when I don’t “think in non-minimal funds”. Also, I think it is very healthy to enjoy spoiling yourself every now and then. [Should I be saying “always”?]
Maybe we shouldn’t have rushed this or something. I thought I had feelings for him as well¿ I still think he’s a very nice and intelligent person. But I guess I can really only have “Level 4” feelings for those of the “natural selection”…
There are also things I just need to receive back, such as eye contact, being passionately held/grabbed, being catted back and any other physically intimate expression of love. Even when it’s not even truly there. I solely express it physically, because I’m not good at having conversations while being physically intimate. I wanted to state “not a fan of”, but I still slightly have my hopes up @ finding a partner with whom I can literally talk at any moment. Including infinite mutual judgment.
“Too many words” is a fast way of saying that I run out of oxygen quite fast. In a conversation, I always calculate how much air I have left, before I start low-key gasping, to explain what I want to say in the words I can say with the amount of air I have left. After that, the other person needs to talk, basically, while I inconspicuously regain my strength.
The only changes I currently allow myself to make, are the placing of online ads, analysis software and policy documents, on this website.
“The launch of Daniëlle Lucy” will take place when I have the money to live the lifestyle I feel comfortable in, have better photos and web design options and have a full portfolio finished. That includes a new book/new books, my own music (produced professionally), recipes with videos and detailed descriptions, et cetera.
Luckily my father isn’t pressuring me to find a job, at the moment, so I can take some time to focus on my health. “This focus is unfortunately not that focused”, because if I were to truly listen to my body, I wouldn’t be writing diary posts, meeting people, leaving the house for any other reason, even think about my business or cook.
But I do want to search for suitable investors. The most ideal is to find individuals who want to invest, who want to have a say in the business/be Council members, who want to have their works published and who want to live somewhere else [because of corporate compound reasons]. Where to find them?
It really sucks that I’ve settled for this hybrid version of my business, because now, I think I leave a very controversial first impression. All in all, my intentions are based on love and take our future into consideration, but that might not be seen on first sight.
I really need to do something about my fatigue. Where’s doctor Cuddle? Not having heard his findings, even though they’re there, makes me worry. From the way i perceive my heart and lungs, I feel as if he has bad news to bring me, but he doesn’t want to say it over the phone, while I’m trapped here :[. I wish we could be Cuddles, and I hope it’s also not jealous parties in relationships that keep him from reaching out to me, because I mean what I say in an innocent way.
When it comes to fixing my health issues, I’m in a situation that is a challenge to me. The overly clear difference in quality, has made me feel certain about, for these issues, to never seek for medical assistance in the Netherlands again. But that means that if I ever get a heart attack, I shouldn’t be here. I also shouldn’t be broke and single. All black people I’ve known with illnesses, here, have died young and suffering. I’ve also known many people who have died from heart problems. Some were “sudden”, others were because of undiscovered long-term heart disease. I don’t want to have to take antistollingsmedicijnen for the rest of my life, after surgery. I don’t even want to take pills. I want to cure myself/be cured in the most natural way possible.
Meoww I should go to sleep. It’s 00:57 now… Both my mental and physical self are tired…
I hope I’ll get time to tell you about my dream scenarios and the definition of “level 4”. They’re related to each other!
Good night 💕
Good morning 💕
I really appreciate you reading my diary! I have never talked about this with you (yet), but the idea that I air out the contents of my mind, and that you then keep coming back to read it, fills my heart with so much joy!
When I mention the contents in real life, people often want to falsify them. Even though I don’t mention it – because if I were to mention it and they would try to debunk that, too, I will become agitated and the stress levels on my heart will increase a lot – I find it annoying when people do that, because I state the way I perceive reality – often in a summarized manner, which is my personal truth. They have their own personal truths. Everyone has a unique perception and thus “real perception” of life is always subjective. Of course, people might define parts of their experience in the same way – such as saying that the sky is blue, but if someone else defines their experience in a way that is not similar, that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. If someone is color blind, and states that the sky is not blue, that is true, too. It is true, because it is not a lie and it is based on the real perception of the person who made the statement.
I think that falsifying someone’s statements is a way of portraying him/her as “different in a less positive sense” and as if “the falsifier” is trying to say that the other perception doesn’t/shouldn’t count. If the perception is different, but in a way that is still within acceptable boundaries, then there’s no need to falsify someone’s words. I don’t think anyone truly feels comfortable with the submission to another’s perception, in a discussion built around falsification. Personally, I think falsification is pointless. Why shape every rough diamond into the same shape?
Everyone who’s shaped in the exact same way, might be valued the same way, within the same society, but I think this shaping makes you lose part of your true personality. I think you should want to stand out – in terms of unique reasoning – instead of to blend into someone following the same script. There’s a downside to standing out, though: it can lead to someone else’s jealousy.
Meoww, I’m going to transfer what’s on my prepaid account to my debit account, because of the bills coming up. Ending this month with my account on minus can’t be avoided, though, because even though I accepted Mirtazapin as a substitute for serotonin, the type of medication Mirtazapin belongs to, brings back a lot of bad memories, when it comes to the side-effects and unnatural constituents influencing your natural brain chemistry. Doctor Cuddle [Do I sound slightly crazy for calling him this? I might. But I can’t help that I find him Cuddle…] said that I should take serotonin. He didn’t say that I should take an anti-depressant. I don’t want things like anti-depressants and anti-psychotics in my body, because I believe that they don’t belong there. So when the pharmacist said that Mirtazapin is all they have in stock that is similar to serotonin, I should have refused it. Two days ago, when I finished the antibiotic treatment, and I considered starting to take mirtazapin, I thought: “Nooo waaaaay,” after reading the package leaflet.
There’s this substance called 5-HTP, which you can buy at “any health store”, of which it is said that the body turns it into serotonin. So that’s what I’ll be purchasing also, when I’m outside. I’ll cycle to the city center, because in the other malls closer to my house, they don’t have and the right bank, and the right stores, at the same place. I also [again, let myself be talked into the decision where I] need to buy a morning after pill 😔. Every time, I tell myself I should stop trying to seek mutual affection, because I’m in love and seeking that in someone else will just make me miss him more.
I love someone very fast, when he/she doesn’t cause stress on my heart and when I can truly be myself around him/her. There are levels to the way I love, though:
If you wonder why I don’t like making phone calls: it’s because I can’t read the face of the person I’m talking to, which makes it harder for me to see what his/her emotions are and to calculate what the right response is.
13:36 (01:36 PM)
I live very close to a highway-ish road and a police station. Every time I hear a sirene, my heart starts “to trip out” and in silence, I think: “They’re coming to get me. Someone has called them, because he/she thinks that I’m acting “too schizophrenically” again.”
I worry about how my body behaves so much, I’m never truly myself. Especially since “the situation”. Even though there is a part of me that says [these parts are not literally talking]: “I might not be as outgoing as I used to be, but my behavior is normal. If someone comments on the fact that I’m sitting on a public bench by myself for a while [something that used to happen soooo very often], that could be because he/she doesn’t understand that I can enjoy doing that.” I used to go for long walks/cycle far, daily, and then search for the most remote bench, to sit there. I would write there, read a book, smoke weed, listen to music and/or just sit there and reason in silence. Even at the remote bench, there would be people walking past. Often, when I’d see the same person walk by a second time, he/she would say: “Shouldn’t you be going home? You’ve been sitting here for longer than an hour.” When someone tells me this, I often just said: “No.” And smiled [even though I would feel like crying and I would be sitting there because I don’t want to go home] and then focus myself on something else, such as a book or my phone. If I considered it time to go home, I would have gone home. I don’t want to express how I truly feel, to someone who starts a conversation in that way. Hearing that comment so often, made me feel so watched and made me feel as if I’m a weird person. I now don’t sit on public benches by myself anymore, except this one where people rarely walk by twice, at a location where pedestrians rarely come after work hours. It is on top of a hill and has a pretty view of a monument and the university.
Meow, I’m hesitant with describing level 4, because it has brought me so much trouble. I now basically put most of my reasoning in ways to hide level 4. I’m going to take a shower and head to the city center, hoping to find the right words to clearly describe to you that me believing what I’ll say, doesn’t mean that I’m a schizophrenic. Of course, I also need to accept that not everyone will believe me. This far, I’ve never heard someone say: “I believe you.” I hope you will believe me, my Cuddle. I’m so alone in my beliefs 😔
17:02 (05:02 PM)
Good afternoon, my Cuddle 🙊 💕
To make sure I stay on the right track, in this maze where I need to make fast decisions for the short-term, which influences how the long term plays out, I’ve made a draft of a public description [consider it a pamphlet in disguise] of the aspect of life that has been one of the factors inspiring me to write Volta. I want to spend enough time on my future publication(s) and my publishing company, while I’ll, unfortunately, give away a large part of my free time to a [probably full time, again…] job, which will make it feasible for me to rent an apartment abroad, start a new life, market for finding authors/artists/another type of group of people who make another type of publishable works (in the future), market Volta (in the future) and to work towards being in the right environment to solely work on the path to achieve my goals in life. “A full-time side job” is the easiest accessible tool, for me, to get myself on the right track towards the life I live to live. My will and my health, have been stopping me from living towards such a time-agreement.
Now, it’s becoming very urgent for me to make a decision. I’m close to being out of savings, there are bills that need to be paid monthly and every part of my body screams to have its own, truly private space.
19:22 (07:22 PM)
What my heart is telling me, but I have been trying to ignore for a very long time, has led to the point where I feel like I’m stuck in the situation I’m in.
I’ll elaborate on my experience, now that I’m feeling as if I’m starting to see the relationship between my health issues and the way my body functions, first. I want to share this with you, because you’re one of the few people I can share this with. The medical report I received today, included the following findings:
Some symptoms of which I think I now see the connection, is that I used to faint so often and now get light headed so fast, my cold sweat, the palpitations, my “inner alarm bell” constanty “ringing”, which constantly makes me feel as if I’m in a dangerous situation [the danger of the state my heart is in, the danger of accidentally saying/doing something that could lead to me being verbally or physically attacked or placed under “psychosurveillance”, again, the danger of my emotional status now that November 1st is near and the danger of my financial situation], the fatigue, the chest pains et cetera, lead me to saying the following: the current condition of my health and the way many parties in Dutch health care have traumatized me, worry me, when it comes to me meeting the standards that come with my responsibilities. I’ve been feeling like my heart can give out at any second for a while now. Reading about the meanings of the findings of the medical examination, makes my body feel a strong feeling of: “I’ll need to take some serious measures.”
I need to free myself from the forms of stress that consume me. The thoughts that make me feel more calm are the idea of the existence of a community where you can talk to any member, without constantly having to protect your heart from people whose words are unnecessarily hurtful, and thinking of being in a relationship with someone who works towards the same things in life and who can care for me when I’m dealing with nightmares, fatigue, the constant possibility of fainting and being over-ambitious.
Because of the seriousness of my health problems, I would rather live somewhere, where people want to help me get better, without letting the costs decide if and how I should be helped or not. The philosophy where the finances are in first place, makes me feel unsafe. The person making decisions with that philosophy, does not mention the health risks that are ignored by not doing further research or by selecting the cheapest treatment.
What I want to say and don’t want to say, at the same time, is: “With my current health conditions, it’s better for me to move to Germany or basically any other country.” I don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting, but if my health problems get even more serious, I want to put my life in the passionate hands of someone who proposes a type of treatment, based on the result that is the best in the long run, and not based on what is the cheapest. It’s like abroad, there are many more abundance thinkers.
My German is not good enough to find a job in Germany, I think… But I also think that, if I were to truly listen to my heart, It is such a negative health influence to be worrying about my finances and I should definitely not apply for any full-time job. The problem is that I have no one financially supporting me, I want to stay on track, when it comes to accomplishing things, so I really have no other choice but to do this, even though my heart tells me it’s better not to.
This diary is such an intimate description of myself, it makes me feel quite vulnerable. I intend to use this vulnerability as a strength, to find those who can build on me and I can build on. My exact situation might not be relatable [but maybe it is¿], but the way I feel about it and the search for how to overcome these feelings might be. I want to lead…
I want to tell you so much, this post is very summary-like.
We engage ourselves in social interactions. All human beings have a unique perception of reality. If I were to describe the core of the contents of verbal communication, I would definitely include that the partakers in conversations, make statements about their personal experience of life. Some descriptions of this perception, can lead to discussions.
To solely study, or to convince?
I think that there is a lesson in most forms of communication. [Is dit populisme???????]
… Towards an example of a conversation leading to: “I avoid giving my opinion, when my view is the opposite of a stated opinion, because I know the person I am talking to, does not intend to learn from me, and thus solely force his/her opinion on me.”
This choice, I see as something that could, in the long term, manifest good and/or bad situations.
For telling white lies instead of speaking the truth, I feel that in the way randomness in time manifests itself, things could turn out in a way that is opposite to someone’s preference. This stance is based on my perception of life, and could be interpreted otherwise, by someone else.
It is as if the universe is telling me that I have done something wrong, and I need to seek a method to redeem from my wrong decision, to return to the path where my experience is in accordance with my preferred perception of life. To steer my mind towards better symmetry.
[Meow.] Define what I mean by “The Path” and pose “negatives in current situation” and “description of improved situation”. Describe the method to find The Path.
Volta is about The Path.
00:02 (12:02 AM)
Haha I’m so in love with the character I made in Episode 😻. I only styled her and gave her the character of a romantic person.
She’s also dealing with a lot of bad dreams 😅
I downloaded the game in the car, on our way to drop off my grandmas and then head home.
We just got home. I’m going to bed.
Slaap lekker 💕
The “climax of my nightmare” just woke me up. They seem more intense every time. This time, I was myself as a young child, hanging out with two young white brothers. One a little chubby, the other slim. Their parents had walked us to a pool party [on our way there, the world still seemed kind of normal]. We were already wearing swimming clothes on our way there. (In the dream, they were no familiar faces to me either.)
Somehow, we passed out in the dream, and by the time we were woken up by two dogs – one small bull dog and one big, Rhodesian ridgeback sized dog, that also had a bull dog face – the parents were gone. The small dog had claimed my slipper. When I tried to get it back, both dogs became so aggressive, that I ran past the low bushes and brown fence, which was their territory. The children followed me a lot less rushed. We were the only ones outside.
At some point, my feet were hurting so much – it was like my real body could feel the pain I feel, when I step on small rocks etc. with my bare feet – that I walked back a little, to somehow find the dark blue slippers with the logo that is on the Brazilian flag on it. I have those same slippers here in my bedroom.
There were a lot of hovering killer robots flying past, which didn’t harm us, because we weren’t breaking any rules.
At some point, on our walk home, we had to cross a checkpoint. We didn’t have a pass that allowed us to walk a semi-safe path. We didn’t have that privilege.
By holding on to the bendy fence and not touching the “mine plates”, we were making our way across the checkpoint. The way kids do, at the same time, we said: “You’re allowed to find other ways to cross a checkpoint, if you don’t have the privilege to walk the path.”
Around the lava, the fence ended and the path turned into “rock pillars”. We were jumping from pillar to pillar, when a human guard with a sniper approached us very fast, saying: “What you’re doing is illegal!!!!” I fought him and shot him after kicking him off the pillar. I threw away the gun, but thought: “Oh shit. now killer robots from everywhere will haunt me, to kill me, because I’m not allowed to kill.” That’s when I woke up.
I shouldn’t be single. Or I should have a thoughtful friend who I can cuddle. I really need some genuine feeling hugs and kisses now. I’m afraid to go back to sleep, because I don’t want the dream to continue.
I notice that since I stopped smoking weed, I’ve had so many more bad dreams. I haven’t smoked since the day before I left for Düsseldorf. Before that, I’ve been smoking about once a week. Not long before that, it was once a day. I’ve been smoking hash, because the smell is a lot less strong, but I’d rather smoke something more natural, actually.
“For the sake of professionalism”, I shouldn’t be sharing things like that on here, I guess. But I need to get this off my chest somehow, and just writing it down on paper doesn’t satisfy that anymore. Neither does sharing it with people who can’t relate to it and respond to it with oneliners like, “Just let it go.” Those oneliners are ranked very high on my list of things that annoy me soooo fucking much.
I forgot to put my phone in the charger, before I went to sleep. I’ll do that now, after having played this “self-made game”, where I let my phone formulate (such comforting) sentences by selecting words from the word prediction. I’ll show you an example: “You have written about this fleh story.”
Should I post my sentences here…? I have a very large note on my phone, filled with prediction sentences. They can get sooooo personal… I’ll just share them…
“We can go to sleep after I get a chance to meet you at home.” [Meoww. Yes, pleaseee. I need a cuddle 😥]
“Dreaming of you is what I do when I get nervous.” [I see it as: “because somehow, someone can be so in love with me, that he/she finds comfort and happiness in/with me…(¿)”]
“Soon we will be a happy and healthy couple.”
” I want to be with you and cuddle and kiss you all day long and I want to ask Strato a question for you as well as the other one.”
“Zullen we morgen wel even langs komen om de dag van vandaag mee naar huis te nemen?” [One day, my life will shift into something good.]
“Samen eten en drinken bij mij thuis. Komen to be able to compensate for the work of art that you are. Open to the private social network within the next few weeks and then we can get a chance to meet new people.” [I pretend this is my B talking to me…]
“Was a little bit of a mental breakdown of the day before that happens to be a frequent thing I can get my point accross.” [I see it as not being the only one who sometimes is consumed by negative emotions. One day, we’ll be above them. Ohh one thing I think about being a Stoic, and the phrase “To disregard the world’s opinion”: people who are so unable themselves, love to point out the reasons why you’re a bad Stoic. We need to distance ourselves from them, because they will never learn.]
“Every woman is a draft of my favorite part of my personality.” [I see it as a reference to my existence in other people’s mind’s eyes.]
The comments in brackets were added in reverse order, after all sentences were written down.
I’ll be upgrading “the game”: I write down the first word/phrase and my phone the next, followed by me writing down the (set of) words after that and then selecting from the prediction list again.
“As long as I am in the minds of many, no one here can harm me inconspicuously.” [Something I live by. Thank you for keeping an eye on LilFangs.com! 😻]
“Did you get your satisfying answer when I was in the nightmare before Christmas and I saved you from the government and your family and friends and I started a new life in the United States of America with you?” [I wrote “Did” “get” “satisfying answer” “I” “in” “and saved” “from” “and” “and” “started” “life” “with”. It’s like my phone unserstands my feelings so well… There are some people I “don’t feel like I need to be saved from”, though…]
Meoww I’m very tired now. But I need to be awake when doctor Cuddle hits me up with more information about the ECG and stuff :D. I’ll leave my phone on “do not disturb”, like it always [allllllwaaaaaays] is, because not many other messages I get have a priority. Currently, only messages from the friend whose book I borrowed, but then the bag the book was in got stolen, and now the new copy I bought him [he didn’t ask for that] got delivered and we’ll hang out and I’ll give him the copy. We haven’t decided on where and when yet. (My whatsapp response time is so slow – especially because I wait before there’s a response in all active chats, for timing efficiency – that it takes pretty long for hangouts to be arranged. I can’t stand when I spend too much time texting. Especially when the topics of conversation are not important. That’s why I save up chats. I reply about twice a day.)
16:05 (04:05 PM)
I’m going to cycle to the Oriental store in Oosterflank and the supermarket in my neighborhood. That’s exercise and better dinner :].
Hopefully I’ll later succeed in uploading this early afternoon’s piano improvisation.
19:57 (07:57 PM)
Dinner in reverse order:
It was veryy nice!! I’m taking some for my friend, with whom I’ll be going out for a drink later.
22:01 (10:01 PM)
I’m now in the metro on my way to Blaak. I’m looking forward to seeing my friend 😙
I misinterpreted the word Bewegungsartefakt, yesterday… Awkward…? I was celebrating too soon… 😔
I couldn’t keep still, because my skull moves, without me controlling this. I strive to find the scientific explanation of this, to debunk the guesswork explanation of “Must be stress,” from the people who have labeled me as someone I truly am not.
The thing is, that what I want to prove, can’t be seen on an MRI. What I want to prove, is such a sensitive and controversial topic that I can’t say that that is the reason why I want myself to be examined. That’s why I said that I have a headache. I do have a headache, but that’s just because I can’t live with people celebrating over “having proven” that I’m less intelligent than I truly am. And the fact that I feel unsafe in my own home…
I didn’t give the real reason why I want my skull to be analyzed, because someone who isn’t open to proving things that are beyond the way human abilities are described, will say, “No, can’t be true,” before having even looked. But an MRI is used to spot biological abnormalities. I’m intending to find the technological abnormality. What I need is a scan that shows what parts of my brain are active, what I’m perceiving and an image of what is in my skull, that doesn’t strive to fit a template.
Today is my parents’ wedding anniversary, for being married 22 years. We’ll be going to a very nice restaurant. [Haha “If I would get a euro for every time we eat in a restaurant”… It’s confusing how, when I ask for any type of allowance, “it’s too expensive”, but the house is being restructured and eating outside happens more often than someone cooking. Meow 😿…]
13:30 (01:30 PM)
A quick and very simplified and tasty version of “eggs benedict”: an egg fried with salt and pepper, some unspiced spinach, cooked in butter and selfmade whisky sauce (brandy, mayonaise and ketchup):
I want to write Volta, but I’m afraid my current emotions will surface in the book, like they did in (the unpublished version of) Nosce Te Ipsum. I think I should finish Letters from a Stoic first. I’m a very slow reader, because I want to ponder about and absorb every given bit of information. I think the book will give me many more personal insights, which is what I need right now. Me being above my emotions is still fluctuating too much. [Plus, I still make negative statements about myself, which is something I think is toxic. I don’t want to feel negative about myself. Being around people with a lot of self-confidence and/or who also strive to not be negative about themselves, will help me a lot, in this. (If they don’t talk down on other people to boost the way they feel about themselves…)]
19:56 (07:56 PM)
We’re dining in Zeist. Here’s the “amuse”:
Soup with baby shrimp in the middle, fruits de mer something on the left, to which I added the ketjap sauce from the shrimp, after which it was three times as tasty. In the right cup: sweetened tomatoes and mozarella balls, wich basil sauce. In front of that, there’s “grilled cheese” with “carpaccio” underneath. Behind the glass, there’s a type of ham with mini toast on top. On the other side of the ice, there are smoked salmon and trout.
The main course:
That’s a medium-rare lamb’s rack. “Kluiven” is probably not “netjes”, but…
In the glass on the right, there’s fruit chopped into small pieces. It includes kiwi, blueberries and passion fruit. From there further to the left: there’s cherry mouse with cherry jelly on top (?). Then crѐme brulée. Then a stick that tastes like the outside of an appelflap, followed by very naturally tasting strawberry ice cream, followed by dark chocolate mousse and white chocolate mousse, covered with whipped cream, a raspberry and this fruit of which I forgot the name on top, haha. Behind the glass, there’s a chocolate lolly, filled with whipped cream.
Meoww, I’m pondering about what to do tomorrow. I really want to get outside. Then again, I get tired and dizzy so fast… But sitting inside makes me internally go crazyyy.
What are your plans for this weekend?
I’ll be bed petting 😋 [woaaah this is the first time for me to succeed in including an emoji that isn’t a heart!!!! I had to find how to convert unicode to html, hehe].
I think, the “priority mail” I received from the radiology department of the health center I went to, states that I have a device in my head.
Finally, the final proof of schizophrenia being bullshit is in!! I only need to receive doctor Cuddle’s findings – regardless of what else he finds, my aorta heart valve not closing right, aready shows that psychiatrists fucking my life up, were never allowed to force me to take Haldol – to complete the bulletproof case I’ve been building up. Now, I don’t want to get beaten up for wanting to take legal measures, so I tell you I’ll be bed petting. [Because the potential beater might read this.]
Bed petting is laying down while reasoning, cuddling my sheets and pillows.
14:58 (02:58 PM)
By the way, my theory for my heart issues, many flashbacks, avoiding hangouts and expressions of anger in my diary, is that I’m dealing with post traumatic stress… I think the way to cure this is to be far away from any reminders. My having this is quite fucked up, but my solution sounds like such a giant relief 😻.
21:04 (09:04 PM)
I just made pasta with unions, duck meat, pumpkin and carrots. I spiced it with “five spices”, massala and coconut milk 😋 .
22:22 (10:22 PM)
The prospect of the coming weeks, seems like such a blur to me. I’m in desperate need of change, but I’m not powerful enough to put this in motion at once myself. I’m also in very desperate need of a holiday, but I’ve spent my savings on doctors visits. They were the awesomest doctors appointments I’ve had in my entire life, so it was worth it, though.
I hope the personal correspondence I’ve sent today, will make the change I need. It has been on my mind, since my life made this fucked up shift. Emotionally, it was a big step, because it will disrupt life as I know it. That’s a good thing, because it’s way too toxic to me. I’m afraid they’ll also say that my pain isn’t worth it. I’m afraid to lose. It’s quite nerve wracking waiting for a response. If it were to work out the way I hope it will, you’ll finally only see my real side [not captivated by flashbacks and other bad things].
Meoww, I’ll be going back to bed petting (myself to sleep).
I love you! 😻
My Cuddleeee 😀 ♥
Good morning!! ♥ ♥
How was your night?
Mine was pretty good. I went to sleep around 9 pm and had a lot of time to sleep. Somehow I’m still tired, so I’ll be napping until 11 am. That’s when I have to check out.
I’ll be back, after my nap <3.
If anyone wonders why I don’t cry, but get slightly angry when I talk about the shit I’ve been going through in my life: it’s because if I were to start crying, and really let everything out, I would never be able to stop crying. I’m also afraid that if my parents were to see me cry, they would either call the acute dienst again or my father saying shit like: “That’s no reason to cry. I’ll give you a reason to cry.” [Referring to violence.]
I’ll only cry when I have my own place. Then the crying will be temporary, because I can then finally move on. That I’m holding back a large part of my personality, causes a lot of frustration.
Tot zo, lieverd ♥
17:09 (05:09 PM)
Meoww I’m “back in Rotterdam”, where I spend most of my “outside time”. [I live in Capelle aan den IJssel.]
We’re now in the car, on our way home. I hope I’ll make it to my bed :[. I keep pushing myself to my limits. I still want to log my past actions. And talk about my feelings a little.
When I came home from Meerbusch, around 2 PM, I realized my house key was in my jacket pocket, and my jacket was inside. Of one neighbor, I was sure that they have our new key – the locks were replaced, because my bag got semi-stolen – but they’re on a trip of 4 months. So I went to another neighbor, who unfortunately had our old key. She let me use the toilet and we talked for a while. She was in the nightmare I had, when I had the ECG. As a protagonist, not a “nightmare character”. [That was not what we talked about. We were catching up a little, on general topics.]
When I left her house, with the intentions of going to my mother’s workplace, located about 10 minutes from home, I saw my father got home in the meantime. He asked if I wanted to have lunch with my mother and him. I said: “Yes.” Physically, I was still exhausted. So exhausted that I wouldn’t be able to cook for myself.
My mother had lunch with a friend, at Café Engels, and was still there. She ran into some acquaintances, who live in the house we used to live in. They’re such a pretty couple! I gave them my business card :].
Then my father had to go to the restaurant he invested in, to pay for my grandmother’s food. He does that about once a month. [But the shop “owner” still had to make the calculation and said: “It’s too much of a headache to calculate it now. We’ll settle it some other time.”¿] She can’t cook for herself anymore, so she orders her food there. He was there so long that we ended up buying dinner, too. [My mother and I were waiting in the car. Then she got tired of waiting (with me¿) and went inside and proposed to buy dinner as well.] Which was nice, because, even though I just ate, I was hungry asf againnn.
There, I learnt that some Surinamese men refuse food in restaurants, when it’s cooked by a woman. When that bitch n****’s wife is on her period, he goes to a “traditional Surinamese restaurant”, where only men cook traditional dishes. Hearing shit like that makes my heart trip the fuck out and makes me want to do wild and aggressive shit. But on the outside, I never show that I’m going through emotions like that. I only get feelings of aggression when I sense injustice. I think men in restaurants screaming shit like: “Do you really expect me to eat this??”, followed by some “traditional” swearing one liners, just because the food is cooked by a female – who might not even be on her period – is a form of injustice for the woman getting hurt by that. Grrrr.
Now, I’m back home. I’m going to bed soon. I just had some soup. Fish is nextt.
21:16 (09:16 PM)
Answering ASKfm questions is so addictive! I just took my antibiotics. I’m now going to sleep.
I want to have saved myself from this shit, before my 22nd birthday. I hope I’ll make it, but it’s very tight. I will be twice as emotionally damaged, if I were to celebrate my birthday here. If it doesn’t work out, I would rather save myself from emotional damage in another way.
Also, I won’t be able to go to Italy anymore :[. Especially not if I can solve the rest of my health problems in Germany. My doctor is Cuddle, so it’s not that bad.
Financially, “I have about one month to live”. As in, there’s my monthly health insurance fee of €108, my phone bill will be around €100 [I’ll be going for unlimited data, though, I guess, because uploading things to my blog, from my phone, costs quite some data, when you do it often. I now have about 10GB data per month¿], I’ll have to pay for the ECG etc. still, I want osteopathy, I want click ads on my blogs, so I need to buy online legal statements and I want to market Volta in the future, which still only exists on scrap paper. There’s €23 on my private debit account, €7 on my corporate debit account, €112 on a private “life savings” account [my grandmother has been depositing €12,50 per month on there, since I was born. I was obligated to use this account to pay for my driving lessons…], €0 on my regular savings account and €118,14 on my prepaid credit card….
I will hate my life so much, going back to the 40 hour work week, that I’ll rather die and not even turn 22, having people smile in my face, who have let me suffer soooooo much on my 21st birthday [they weren’t there, but they’re my “friends”, and they let me rot in an institution, while I was only there to prove the other institution wrong, but the institution I was in, wasn’t open to that, and they didn’t let me out when I wanted to. No one backed me up, so they could do this FUCKING FREAKY MEDICINE EXPERIMENT WITH ME. I CAN NOT FORGIVE ANYONE FOR LETTING ME BE PERMANENTLY DAMAGED BY THIS TRAUMA FOR NO REASON. IF MY PARENTS WOULDN’T HAVE ABUSED THEIR AUTHORITY, NONE OF THAT SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!! THESE FLASHBACKS ARE FUCKING KILLING ME, MAN :'[.].. I won’t even be able to crack a smile. The age of 21 has this “important age” sentiment. I usually celebrate my birthday with two big parties [I receive as a gift]. When I turned 21, my gifts were two cakes, some flowers, a stack of cards and 5 people visiting me. I cannot see anyone who did come to those big parties, then skipped out on my 21st, and then smile in my face on a 22nd birthday party???? Nooooo man FUCK THAT. I’d really rather die. I don’t want to undergo that emotional pain… There’s no fucking reason to smile, if I’m still broke as fuck, with a company that is still at the bottom, not financially able to move out like I want to. And then half of the people – especially my relatives – talking to me semi-loud, as if I’m deaf, because they believe I’m a schizophrenic.
They tell me: “Don’t commit suicide. How can you be so weak? How can you do something like that to your family?” If I’d have to stay alive, solely for my family, I would commit suicide twice.
I’m alive, because I don’t want to give up on my entrepreneurship, without having tried everything, and I hope to somehow still spend a lot of time with Benoît and other Cuddles, somewhere far away from everything that reminds me of the past I’m still living.
The crazy “I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE” impulses I feel for the coming of the 1st of November are driving me crazy… Another thing I have imagined is me moving in with doctor Cuddle…. Ahahahaha meoooww… I just met him and he must be at least twice my age, but my heart rate seems the most safe with him, let’s say I were to never see Benoît again. Then, only with “doctor Cuddle” [I say “doctor Cuddle”, and not “T…..”, because of privacy reasons. I say Benoît, because of, “confront me, please¿”, when it comes to name privacy. Then, at least I would hear from him. (Snap je wat ik bedoel??) I can’t reach him anymore : I could live happily, for the long term…
Ohh about the unmentioned laking: I didn’t mention it, because I feel as if I’d faint when saying it, or get too kissy…. Plus, I’m ve-ryyyy afraid of rejection.
I’m going to sleep
I hope you had a nice day 😀
Good night! ♥
Ohh, PS, sorry for not coming back, like I said, right after my nap. I was saving energy for the road and couldn’t think of anything to say…
You should also know that I’m still semi-cautious with my words, because certain aggressive parties and their submissive [but more wealthy, so the side is easily chosen] parties keep an eye on my writing and if I die, I want to die by my own hand and not theirs.
Also, I hope I don’t emotionally destroy people with my story… That fear is while I’m still holding back other details from it. Another reason for me holding back, is because some people tend to not believe it, because it sounds “too much like a movie” [have heard this multiple times now]. Haha god dammit, if I could not have a story that sounded like that, I would have not had that story, especially to avoid hurtful expressions of distrust. The distrust itself is hurtful, because I’M SPEAKING THE FUCKING TRUTH. MEOOOOOOW :'[.
Good morning, my love <3
I just woke up in the freakiest way possible:
When I opened my eyes, I looked mother right in the eye. She had that look in her eyes again that makes me feel like a failure and gives me cropped up anger, because she looks at me in that way. I actually wanted to scream and attack her, because I freaked out and “why the fuuuuuck does she look at me sleeping?????” But I managed to “mentally pull myself together” fast, and said, “Good morning,” in a fast and slightly formal sounding way.
She said: “Good morning. We’re going to Amsterdam. What time are you going to leave?”
“Around twelve. Are you going to that therapist again?” [The therapist they go to to complain about how much of a pain in the ass child I am, for which she used extortion on me. I’m referring to this post.]
“Yes. We might already be back around that time.”
“Okay. See you later.” I closed my eyes again. I woke up tired, from the second nightmare I had. They both related to the way these people make me feel like dying.
Yoo I need my own place… But I can’t even go to Milan anymore, because of my health expenses. “Dus laat staan” renting an apartment… My mother told me that “they” [That’s her + my father] might give me back half of the health expenses. I WANTED TO SAY: “KEEP IT. I’LL GET MY SHARE ANOTHER WAY.” But I said: “Okay,” because I need avoid her calling the acute dienst on me again [I would let out sooo much anger….] I need it so desperately… I still need to pay my Dutch monthly insurance fee [I DO NOT want to be insured here anymore TO THE POWER OF INFINITY (AND BEYOND), but it’s mandatory], my web hosting costs and my phone bill…
Ah meoooow I need to tell you soo much about the last two days, still. I’ll show it to you in pictures:
Meoww I hope I will be able to tell you about how the night two days ago was cool [and I ended up sleeping in my own room, by myself, the way I wanted to], how I find my doctor so crazy attractive that I want to befriend him [I gave him my business card, too :D. He’s on my mind often, now. He’s so goood with his hands [I’m talking osteopathy. And he plays the piano, toooo] and he untied my bra strap with one hand and reattached it at oncee omggg I lakeddd [without mentioning it]. He was the first person who has ever done that awesomeness to me, in my entire life. Aside from myself… Benoît still has the high score of being in my thoughts, though], how I’ll be going back to Düsseldorf today – but I can’t spend the night there, because I’m broke asf – and how another person ended up asking my phone number, in one of the most spontaneous and kind ways I’ve experienced this far, while I was standing in line to order my salad and that my visit to the gynaecologist was so expensive, I became even more worried about my financial future.
I’m thinking of placing click ads on here… Then, I’ll need to buy a personalized online privacy and terms and conditions statement, though…
Ohh and I want to describe my nightmares, of which the images are unfortunately “saved on my retina”.
I want to just stay in Düsseldorf… The driving will make me so tired. It’s also less stressful being there. But cheap hotels feel as if the air there is full of dust… And expensive hotels make me broker…
Oohhh I see the practice I need to return the ECG to, closes at 8 PM… No need to rush, thus… I want some proper rest, my meow :[.
Oh and last night I had such a nice conversation with a friend of mine, on Whatsapp. We’ll probably be chilling tomorrow. I’m considering temporarily moving in with her, because she’s open to it. She’s so sweet <3. I hadn’t leveled with her in so long. I’ve been so blinded by shitty friendships, that I intend to assume that all of my friendships are shitty. But she’s the first person of whom I’ve heard the “parenting methods of the Surinamese culture” have caused her emotional pains. Before hearing that from her, I thought I was the only one experiencing it in that way…
Yesterday, I wrote less, because the headache I had was killing meeee. I try to stare at screens less.
Whipping some late breakfastt. I’ll not be able to leave at 12… I want to have dinner with my doctor, but he has an appointment at 07:30 PM :[.
I’m so in dubio over what to do after returning the test…
17:18 (05:18 PM)
I’m quite glad that I made it to Meerbusch alive. I don’t have anything with me, except my little backpack, because I intended to drive back home today. But I feel far to weak [if you knew how much effort it takes me to shift gears…] and light headed and shit to be driving back for nearly three hours.
So I booked a hotel room 3 minutes away from here. Fucking sucks that I didn’t take my Seneca book with me :[.
18:08 (06:08 PM)
If you’re in the mood for some roof top tea, holla at me… *smooth face*
19:03 (07:03 PM)
Oh my godd I need a date :[. But the food is nice :].
Good morning <3
I succeeded in my mission, yesterday! I’ve had a lot of spontaneous fun :D. Pictures will be uploaded später haha.
While I was getting ready, earlier, I received a phone call, with the request if I allow someone else to claim the domain name elia-pr.info. I said “Yes.” My .com domain is only there as a memory of my first business.
Now I’m going to finish my breakfast and then pack and check outt xxx
[Here’s a draft of the rest of what I’ve written yesterday:]
Meerbusch is pretty asff =0. I saw such beautiful sights, while driving there.
And I spotted a (water¿) tower
I’m in the waiting room. The “funny” thing is that when the “guide” [every Dutch patient there was guided] barged in, our conversation abruptly ended. This was mid-explanation of what I exactly have, what the effects of that are and further treatment and further research to find solutions to the other health complaints I have. So when the woman at the reception asked me why I have an appointment, “Because I had an appointment with him yesterday,” was the only thing I could reply. [Why is that relevant for her to know?]
I met a fabrics salesman from Italy, yesterday. While I was eating my dessert, he walked in and said “Hi.” He sat at the bar (you can see his shoes on the picture of my dessert). I was thinking: “He’ll be the one I’ll give my business card. But how do I start this conversation…?”
I said: “Nice shoes :D.” And that’s how the conversation started. We spoke about so many different things. Partially in English, partially in German and partially in Italian (with me writing things and then translating them via Google translate [meoww I wish I posted
I just took a urine test. I maybe still have the same infection I had, when I was in the hospital last year. Chlamydia maybe wasn’t the cause of the crazy pains I was in, because in later urine tests it was gone, but I still haven’t been able to lay on my stomach ever since. It hurts. That’s why I went to the doctor after I was allowed to go outside the closed vicinity at Bavo Europoort. [After 24 hours there, I was already allowed to leave, but I didn’t want to see my parents. I was later voluntarily transferred to EMC. I hoped that I could get a second opinion. I didn’t get it [I was not allowed to involve the person who they were calling my psychosis/schizophrenia]. Even though I was there voluntarily, they didn’t let me leave.
I still need to finish the earlier part. I’m waiting for the doctor to return¿ I hope I was supposed to go back to his office after peeing for the test¿
Ah yess sws, because we need to make another set of appointments ahahahahahahahaha. Finally I can get the 24 hour heart analysis I wanted. And arrange a massage focused on pressure points [I didn’t even know that that exists, but it
Gooooood morning! 😀
I love being awake early, with a purpose for being awake early.
I’m waiting to be called in for my MRI. Ah meoww I see myself going back home again =.= This Dutch lady “guiding me” is so rude in the Dutch sense of communication standards.
Meow… There needs to be a solution to the way I feel :[. I don’t want to go back home to the same situation, feeling just as shitty as I do now…
This center doesn’t have beds. Part of me is glad about this for some reason. (The scent in a hospital always makes me sick to my stomach.) But I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while.
Ah meow, can the coming 24 hours just last forever? I want to find love… Truly loving friends, too.
I’m nervous for my cycling test…
Is it because I’m black, that some Dutch people are solely out to debunk every word I say? At some point I still have 1001 arguments as to why I think how I go about things is right. I don’t even understand why the fuck someone would want to debunk that in the first place.
I’m sooo sick and tired of that. I want someone else to tell me where to find the right doctors that are on my schedule here. (But I’m not saying that =.=)
13:10 (01:10 PM)
I’m in another waiting room, waiting to have “the final conversation”.
So basically what I’m doing is undergoing a few doctor’s examinations. The appointments are made via a Dutch company, in a German clinic. There are a few Dutch people here who guide you to the department you have an appointment at. They then tell the people at the reception of the department that you’re there and you’ll be seated in a waiting room.
This woman seriously said: “You have no heart.” As a joke. I don’t want to spend time with that type of people anymore. The problem is that 90% of the people I know and meet on my path are like that. She asked me how it went. I told her that they had trouble finding my pulse. That’s when she made that “joke”. I’m not in the mood for that type of laughs (ever). I want them to find something. The fuck maynee I paid €1130 for this…
People who make offensive jokes always say: “You should just be able to take a joke. When you don’t laugh or feel offended.”
What I want to say is: “You just have no fucking sense of humor?” But I can’t be this impolite in a real life conversation. The darkness I express in these posts is never visible on the surface. Unless I’m being attacked verbally or physically. Because that is the animal-like shit the type of people who make offensive jokes do, and I need to be prepared for that.
Especially in a professional setting, you can never say: “You have no heart,” as a joke, I think. What the fuck…
In the second paragraph of 12:02 PM, I say “I want to stay away from home for[ever] a while”. By that, I mean that I actually really want to stay away from home forever and never come back, because my social environment there has become such a great stress factor for me. [I felt such a huge weight being taken off my shoulders, when I heard the navigation system say: “Welkom in Duitsland.”]
But, of course, if I were to drive to Italy now – or even stay in Germany – and get a temporary job and an apartment there, until I manage to put into practice the final steps of what I still need to do for my international publishing company [I need to recruit/attract writers and artists…], my parents are still going to want me close to them. Which is kind of freaking me out…? They’ll report me missing again…
14:23 (02:23 PM)
Something I hadn’t mentioned here yet, is that antipsychotics are dopamine blockers. My opinion is that that freaky shit shouldn’t exist. Hands off my dopamine, please. It’s natural…
I think this sad pet mode version of me is a result of being indoctrinated and being forced to swallow that shit against my will. I don’t think it will ever change, if I wouldn’t suddenly be surprised by a reader who’s Cuddle. I won’t be able to save myself all by myself…
Still in the waiting roomm. Apparently they’ll make an echo of my heart as well.
Meoww I pee a thousand times per hour man ahahahah.
The pain I’m in and the bags underneath my eyes are why I won’t be going to do a photoshoot anymore. I’m under so much stress, that I’m thinking of going for a massage tomorrow.
I guess I also need someone to talk to. I don’t think it should necessarily be a professional. I think it should be someone who understands my ambition, because he or she truly is ambitious, too. (Not someone who just says things, but isn’t able to empathize.) Also, for “real second opinion” reasons, I’d like this to be someone from abroad.
My life would be perfect, if I would replace the people who cause pain, with those who make me feel loved. I need to be around optimists, to be my optimistic self. Being an optimist around pessimists, leads to them talking your optimism down all of the time.
I want to believe that I can live the life I want to live… [But part of me is like: “If shit doesn’t change fast, while I’m here, I’d rather commit suicide than go back home.”]
Meoww my battery is low. I’ll film when I’m in my hotel room, by the way. My battery is too low and I feel quite awkward filming myself in public… Even though I’ve done it before. Part of me also doesn’t want to capture this…
I spend so much time by myself, my body and soul crave for a loving touch. But a truly loving one…
If I ever need any type of treatment, I’ll be going abroad…
16:21 (04:21 PM)
Ah good news always makes me feel so much better :D.
And so does my sexy hotel rooomm
I was in dubio about how I’ll spend the rest of my day here, but I my choice was made with a lot of ease, after the man at the reception told me that there are a sauna and a bar here :D. That’s where I’ll be going after dinner.
I’ll take a shower and then go for dinner. I’m having a great time :D.
What is even more amazing, is[, this is such a random thing to find amazing,] that I have two more doctors appointments tomorrow!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah. The doctor who made the echo of my heart proposed this. Ah meoww I’ll tell you all about it, after I’ve taken a shower. Meoww I want a shower like that in my future bedroom ehehehe.
I used to make videos, but nobody watched them… So now I don’t know if I should make videos or not. I feel so awkward having a little amount of views…
So I’ll be typing? Not having videos (that are unedited) is also good for fending off un-cuddles. [Un-cuddles are people who suckkk.]
17:44 (05:44 PM)
Meoww. For some reason, when I try to update this article, it doesn’t work. The error doesn’t show why??
Ohh it can’t process emojis, haha. As an automatism, I used this smiley face emoji with one drop on its head, expressing “the awkward smile”. So when I press “update” now, it will work!
18:40 (06:40 PM)
“No, you don’t need to wear eyeliner. Your eyes are beautiful already! Next time, you’ll have the confidence to not wear a wig. Comfy shoes over anything! You’re awesome, babe <3”
Date night for 1 againn.
Ayy I wonder where my German readers are from¿ Meoww I want to hang out with Cuddless. I’m thinking of extending my stay¿ Ohh yess here comes the info about what else happend in between 10 AM and 4 PM: [What I’m thinking now is: “German lawyer?” If the Dutch legal support sucks just as bad as the Dutch medical support…]
At the MRI, very shortly after the examination, I got the results, which showed that there was nothing odd going on with my brain. That’s really chill, on the one hand. But I still need a clarification for the movement of my skull. All of these dumb motherf****s say: “Oh, it must be stress.” [Without any real fucking analysis.] As if you see people with shaking skulls every day. I have NEVER met anyone who has that, too. So I need a different type of examination to prove my point: it’s not stress. Yes, I’m stressed out, but that’s from the thought of them getting all hyped and turned on over being “right”, while they’re not. I need my peace of mind.
It’s cool that I got a disk with what my brain looks like. It’s like it’s too big for “its shell”¿ There’s a slight possibility I can fix this while I’m still here [double context].
During the heart echo, I got this “Oh my god” attack again, when he asked me what was up [a description of my complaints]. That’s what I have, as a result of bitch n**gas as deputies of the Dutch health system, solely asking me that question, because they want me to be “submissive” to their conclusions about me, while I don’t want to tell them anything, because that submission is the only thing they want to use my words for. I only talked to show them my perspective, which was the EXACT opposite of their perspective.
The thing is, my list of symptoms is soooooo loooooong, and I want to not talk about myself too much, because I have the feeling people don’t know how to respond to it, or that they’re not interested, or that they’ll use my words against me for no reason, like those doctors did. Okay, it’s not “for no reason”: IT’S CHEAPER. I feel more safe in Germany, when it comes to that philosophy. As if there are more “abundance thinkers” here, like me…
Anyway, I started to name a few things. At some point, I named my family as a huge stress factor, somehow almost captivating every single move I make, even when they’re not around. And how I don’t feel home within the Dutch social culture. By that, I mean the directness; insulting jokes; the negatively predicting of outcomes, without having tried it before; solely saying things to provoke a negative reaction “because it’s fun”; etc… I used the joke of the “guide” as an example.
He was so kind to me… At some point, I actually came loose, after my brain being done with the discrete “Can I trust you?” analysis. [I closely observe facial expressions, when a response is being spoken out. To figure if it’s genuine or not. I analyze unspoken, hidden intentions. A lot of my “friends” fail this test. I don’t mention this, though.] It’s basically the first time I completed the test. The test didn’t exist, before those “health care professionals” came into my life, last year.
“Haha” [out of nervouness to initiate what I want to tell you] him touching me turned me on. It had been decades since someone else had turned me on. I’m used to being grabbed. This was different [thank god “different” exists in this context]. Of course – this is how I am – I did not mention this and did not physically act out of this feeling. Some people will say: “Of course. Why would you do that like that?” Others will say: “Hey ga je dat lekkers zomaar uit de weg? Hoe dichter bij de nul, hoe strakker om je lul, zal zijn gedachte zijn.”
I’m not an animal… If you want to believe that you’re an animal, than go ahead and enjoy.
Anyway, he offered to make an appointment at the gynaecologist at the clinic and invited me to come over to his own practice tomorrow. At some point, this “guide” came, so our conversation basically ended. “We’re not allowed to do this.” As in: Privatescan is the mediator, taking a big share. Usually, when you get clients via a mediator, the “rule” is that you keep doing this via the mediator. But you can’t really keep your foot down, as a Dutch organization abroad…
So now, even for an itching toe, I’ll be going to Germany. The doctor advised me to take serotonin. Haaaaaa if it were the Netherlands, they would give me some medicine with a fucking strange name, with more side-effects than effectivity. [Making that is cheaper. Dead people is also cheap, because the government has the right to a share of your heritage, if you’re Dutch. (Do other countries do this, too? I think it’s the most disgusting thing you could ever do to people who are mourning.) Also, the country is overcrowded, so “making some space” and the money shift you make when you move into a new place, are good post-dead people moves, if you’re a money hungry creep. Ew, this shit gives me chills…
21:04 (09:04 PM)
Alcoholic beverage number threee ahaha.
The first glass was some bubbly white wine [I picked after tasting two] called “Sex, drugs and rock and roll” [from the title, I didn’t expect myself to like that wine]. Then I had Hine VSOP. Now I’m having Hine XO.
So it will be sauna + sleep¿
I would “love” [it’s still quite lonely, though] to go to a dancing party abroad, by myself. The easiest place to meet people is on the dancefloor!
Not today, though. I need to be in Meerbusch at 11 AM.
Part of me wants to give myself the task to give someone my business card, riiiight now. There’s so much Graey here ehehehehee.
00:32 (12:32 AM)
Hanging out was nice :]. I really needed that change of scenes.
Meoww, one day left until a possible positive and new turning point in my life. I’m excited either way: I’m in desperate need of new experiences. I could also “use some Graeyniss” in my life right now… It’s nice to do the things I used to do, socially, but the inner craving for working on myself and my career, needs to be satisfied on the level I want it to be on, for me to be able to provide myself with the comfort I desire.
By comfort, I don’t mean owning a lot of material for the sake of owning it. I mean having the space and tools to do the things I like doing: to make music, play sports, write and to *synonym of “do”* other forms of being creative and doing business. Because I like doing things and I want to achieve things within my spectrum of reasoning. I do not want to live the same routine, because, personally, I think that that has nothing to do with living. It’s doing what is necessary to survive, which is cool: I want to survive, too, [most of the time, lately, because I think I see the path to prosperity, I think… But in the long term, I’m still in need of my B, for both mental and physical reasons, honestly…] but I want to see more of life than what you see when you’re “just surviving”.
Even though I’ve never done this before – and part of me says that it is indirectly socially prohibited from their side – I would love to know what it’s like to spend most of my time with Graeynissis [= not necessarily – but in my “”stereotypical”” mental image almost always “the feature” for a friendly match – grey haired men. Any type of person who has that same intense desire to be successful and get the most out of life, experiencing very different things regularly, not wanting to live a continuous cycle forever]. I always want the type of conversation I can’t have with just everyone.
I wonder, when you spend time with someone of the sex you’re attracted to, do you then always intend this to lead to intimacy?
I’m attracted to both men and women. Never have I really ever made that type of move on a girl, though, because I might faint from the “but are you in to me or not¿” and then the thinking of: “I want to please you better than I please myself, but I’ve never done this before with someone of the same sex…”
The way I prefer to see a physically intimate relationship develop itself, is by first becoming close friends. In our friendship, love should already be deeprooted, for it to be comfortable in the long term, I think. We’ll always need water or something else to drink, when we’re together, because we have so much to talk about, that our throats start to get extremely dry after a while. I should be very passionate about who you are and what you do, and you should feel the same way about me.
When we’re doing this as friends, and we’re both [aside from mentally] physically attracted to each other, this form of unspoken – if you’re doing it “right”, by which I mean that the experience of the following emotion is only possible by not having attraction as the first topic of conversation [this is important, because if the physical relationship doesn’t last, attraction will fade as a topic of conversation, leaving nothing to talk about, if the relationship was built on solely physical attraction] – attraction will suddenly blossom itself, because this form of “amical abstinence” has become a physical challenge, because our bodies are craving for each other… With that short/long waiting period, the orgasm you’ll experience is much better than when sex is the focus of the interaction from the start. [The both aspect is sooo important. I’m so tired of dudes trying to get in my pants… I need to be able to let out my self-expression on the details of my empire/legacy, in which I don’t want to be alone, but I currently kind of am, when it comes to details and actively working towards it… Also, I suck at saying “no”… (So did my needs, but that has been fixed, for mutual ambitions now fully determine if I’m able to get turned on from someone or not.)]
I haven’t – except for once, recently, in a high pace, where, unfortunately, the height difference and the difference in how we go about our ambitions take away the spark, for me – had this type of relationship, ever. It’s just what I’ve been imagining since I was very young(“er”), basically… This imagining includes/included all cuddled up playing video games in bed, being shown everything he/she has ever written, mutual judgment – finishing each other’s sentences – and always solely lift each other up. Never the opposite. That because I think I’ve basically just taught myself breathing techniques to survive strokes [of the heart… I guess it suits the sexual context as well, but that’s still oriented on the “my heart really sometimes feels as though it’s gonna give out”-perspective, “because” if you don’t take my tight walls into consideration…]. Bullshit fights in a relationship hurt my heart too much. I prefer to avoid pain and easily make new friends, so I’m ve-ry Stoic when it comes to losing relationships. Especially if we’re not working towards the same thing, in the long term.
*Random “intermezzo”*: I’m thinking of publishing music under the name of “Lil Fangs”…? And then writing (and doing business…¿) under Daniëlle Lucy [sounds a bit like a bed cat name haha, but I likee. Is it the type of name about which a jealous person in a relationship would say: “Don’t look at her” [which is a down side, just like that form of losing your right to attraction]]…..?
Today is my mother’s birthday. I have a quite nice idea for a birthday present (which I’ll buy today)…
I’m going to sleep. It’s 02:09 now. It was 00:07 when I started to write this post.
My sleep was abruptly stopped by “the climax” of this crazy nightmare I just had, a little earlier. They say that vividly remembering your dreams the next day isn’t possible. I say that if it’s lucid, fun, hot and/or traumatizing enough, it will stick with you, for the rest of your life.
After scaring up, I first pillow cuddled out the remaining amount of fear sensation pumping through my body, and just laid down and reasoned a while, after that. Then I decided to write it down, because even though I felt a lot of fear – which I didn’t express in my lucidity – I found the story and the thrill quite interesting.
I dreamt (or should I say “nightmared”¿) the following:
I was at a performance night at the university I used to go to, with my family. I call it that university, because I called it that in my dream, but the premises looked completely different. It was some sort of event where everyone brought their relatives. At some point during the evening, while looking outside the left wall that was fully made of glass, we saw that part of the ground outside – exactly all of it, starting from just a few steps away from the left side of the building – was slowly ascending, until it was positioned vertically. The water inside the (fucking) big lake on the premises, poured over the building first, followed by other water, until the water was as high as the vertically positioned land. [I want to draw what I mean by vertically positioned land. After I’ve found the energy to get up and eat something, I’ll do that.]
The building was getting filled up with water. Everyone was taken over by primitive urges to survive. Some broke out in chaos, others made their way, as if they had been trained for this situation. Somehow, I had the privilege of being allowed inside the university’s tower, which was attached to the building we were in, with a shaft that was later closed. [It’s funny how, through my perception as a person in that dream, I was acting semi-calm, and my real body thought: “Wtf am I doing???” Because I acted as if I had been trained, but of course, I had never seen it before, because a dream/nightmare is – mostly… At least, in this context – a one-time experience.]
I wore the best looking diving suit ever. [I’d never seen the design before, but I would wear this suit even if when not being in the water, because it looked so comfortable and pretty.] In some sort of closed off (from chaos) half inner circle part of the building, where the entrance to the shaft, to the column the reverse triangle shaped top of the very large tower was built on, was, we waited until the water levels were high enough to swim to the part of the tower, made for us to be in. I was waiting there with my mother and sister. My father had a higher type of privilege, and was entering the shaft and part of the tower somewhere else.
While waiting, we got into a verbal fight over nothing. They were still defending the system. I told them that I didn’t understand their defending and patriotism. A “funny” detail I remember, is that “They didn’t even play the “first Monday of the month” alarm sound, while they must have seen this coming.” [Sarcastic “ha-ha”, 2020…..]
I separated myself from them, when having gone through the shaft. I stayed in this part of the building where only girls lived. There, I got into a nonsensical fight, too. This girl, who was someone who attended the same high school as I – I’ve exchanged about 6 words in total with her, in my 4 entire years there – was first crying because soon, there was going to not be any television and Netflix anymore. I said that that’s actually something that made me feel so comfortable. [I feel like an outcast for not enjoying those things, now. By the way, I have no clue why she’s a nightmare villain.]
She accused me of being inconsiderate, which kind of got on my nerves. [I only said that I have different preferences???? I didn’t mention that when she started to cry. It was in the post-sadness conversation.]
While she was making tea, with one of our last bits of electricity, she did something so fucking random, which made the water boiler catch fire. While agitated, I put out the fire.
We then continued arguing. At some point, she decided to try to kick me. I got soooooo fuuucking angry from her audacity to do this. I found the reason for a fight so fucking dumb to begin with. My real body in its sleep state felt the anger, too. I grabbed the foot she tried to kick me with, and kept tossing her against the ground, until she stopped trying to attack me. The tossing motion was swinging her leg over my shoulder, followed by the rest of her body, one of her shoulders, followed by her head [because it’s sideways] touching the ground first.
The day after, I went to the library, to strategize, by myself. I had no friends or anyone (else) I could reason with, in that part of the building. I sat there, thinking: “I want to be outside and have the space to run again. I want to feel things like the wind and the light of the Sun on my body. We’re under water so deep, that seeing the surface might never be possible. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I need to get away from here, where everyone is in “survival mode”, doing the most crazy shit and being even more untrustworthy. I want to be an artist and a scientist. But it will take me years to distinguish myself here and rank-up my privilege. The thought of experiencing this shit for that long drives me crazy! And I miss Benoît so much…”
And then I woke up with my right temple throbbing. It felt as if I had been screaming in real life and had taken a hit to the head.
17:02 (05:02 PM)
Some responses to my ASKfm questions have shocked me. My answer to the question would be “no”.
I need to edit the picture. For that I use Whatsapp (lol). But that means that I “have to” answer my text messages. So be “right” back. [22 messages]
I’m in the metro, on my way to the city center.
17:46 (05:46 PM)
17 new messages. I still haven’t made the screenshots, but I’ve made the image I told you about earlier. I wanted to make an “extensive” drawing, but this is all I can do:
I’m so tired….
First I was so cold. I was wearing my winter jacket to the city center. I’m now on my way home. I took off my jacket, mann….. I’m sweating so heavily, “ahahaha” [is what I do when I get nervous about the topic of conversation].
I might book a last minute train ticket to Düsseldorf, instead of driving for two hours… I feel like I can pass out at any second. But I’d rather die than take someone with me who can fuck up the entire medical examination, so…
I’m still in dubio… Driving is cheaper… I just bought myself a gift, too, since I “lost” my previous pair… My mother might be keeping an eye on my blog (to see if I’m smoking weed), so I’ll post what I bought after giving it.
19:54 (07:54 PM)
Here’s what I bought for my mother:
What I bought for myself:
21:28 (09:28 PM)
meow I have a fever
But the food is nicee. Ik heb mn eigen hoofdgerecht samengesteld haha
Battery is going to dieeee
23:51 (11:51 PM)
“If they find nothing, you’ll have to look elsewhere.”
“They’ll find something.”
[Fucking hate these conversations. I will never go to that TV therapist they’re bribing. Last time THESE ****** [my parents] were saying (while I was in serious pain): “Oh, no. It’s nothing. She’s faking it. She’s psychosomatic.” And these fucking doctors believed themmmmmm.
Meoww I’m excited about visiting Düsseldorf. I’m a little nervous about whether they’ll find something or not.
I really want them to find something. Anything.
Last time I went to IJsselland ziekenhuis, October 6, 2018, it was actually only for a regular check up. “Luckily” I somehow was in so much pain, I couldn’t sit straight anymore.** I was so happy to not have to sleep in my own bed.
I would love it if they were to let me stay over there to further examine me. If this happens – I’m telling you this is a conscious decision and I am in my right mind – just like last time I was in the hospital and these motherf****s were being inconsiderate as fuck: I do not want my parents to be allowed to visit me. Just seeing them, hearing them or thinking of them, makes my internal pains, stress levels and heart rate (while hurting like craazyy) increase on a level beyond what you would expect for a 21-year-old. These people in ijsselland first kept letting them come through, even though I told them these people make me feel like I’m about to die.
In the most ideal situation, Benoît would be my visitor [haha I told these people at ijsselland that the only visitors allowed were he, my grandmothers and my sister. They didn’t listen at alllll]. I would also like to see Ben and Milkyas. [First time posting friends’ names here.] I would love to see those who love my writing. I do not want to see those who I’ve been hanging out with, but actually don’t know who I am. If you, after I’ve been by your side for years, now still ask me to extensively text or tell you what I’m doing with my life, for the zillionth time, just so that you can comment on it: your commentary is giving me a stroke. I do the opposite of appreciating it, but I don’t say this, because commentary on my statement about how I don’t like your type of predictable negativity, is going to make my pain increase even more.
With other people on my friend list, I’m not certain if their words will nearly kill me or not. I like to play it very safe, when it comes to that…
** When I went there: “I hope they’ll let me stay,” was what was on my mind. I was already in pain and barely able to walk, when I got there. I took an extra pair of panties with me, just in case. It was reaallyyy fucked up that the pain and stress doubled, but if this medical examination confirms my thoughts on my health situation, I can finally legally redeem from that and start a new life.
I hope flehs won’t read this before I leave. They might just prevent me from leaving. [I have the same feeling as when I secretly went to the US. Secretly, because they find the US “too far for me”. FUCK. THEM.]
If they say: “You have one week left.” I’d think: “I’m still fucking glad to hear that I won’t be stuck living in my parents house for much longer.”
If they say: “We have found something very unique in your brain. I’ll contact him for you…” I’d think: “YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! :DDDDD *confetti* [ahahahahahah] My days of craving for him so heavily ARE FINALLY OVER. PLUS: KA-CHINGGGGGGGG I TOLD THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THERE WAS NOOO NEED FOR ANTIPSYCHOTICS. They’ll have to pay for the irrefutable damage they have done to my (and his) live.”
If they say: “You’re healthy. There’s nothing to see here.” I might as well kill myself because this pain is unbearable and I have a court case to win with certaintyyyy. The right examination results will give me the certainty I need.
For sure there’s something. If they don’t find it: in the Netherlands I’m a dead woman walking. Here, when they think of helping a patient, they take the costs, the remaining life span and what he/she is able to do with his/her life, into consideration. If you’re a 25-year-old stock broker, they’ll give you the best treatment. If you’re 77 and you have a very unique illness, they’ll not let you live. That’s the shit they did to my grandfather…
Meow :[ *slight change of topic*
It’s a crazy kick in the face hearing from your phycisian that she is convinced that I’m incompetent and that I belong in the world of being bossed around by these freaky doctors who probably just get turned on from the power they have over their patients. [Lie detector test?] Why the fuck else would you keep me stuck there for so fucking long? I’ve been sooo calm there. If you misbehave, you get an injection of antipsychotics in your ass and you’ll be put in a separation/isolation cell for as long as they want you to be there. Some have been in there for daaaayssssssss. There’s a mattress on the floor and a pot to piss in. (This one dude I met used his shit to fingerpaint.) Food gets shoved underneath the door every now and then. THERE’S A FUCKING CAMERA IN THAT CELL. 4 WHITE WALLS, A SHITTY MATTRESS AND A POTTY. If someone were to try to put me in there, I would kill him/her with my bare hands. That’s why I stayed so calm. I’m so intolerant of their medication shit and afraid of needles that I’d try to inject the person trying to inject me. The problem is that there’s no way out, because first-timers always start at the closed vicinity. I have no mental illness. I shouldn’t have been in that fucking traumatizing place FOR THREEEEEE MONTHSSSSSSSSS. FUCK. MY. PARENTS.
The shit I go through, to just have a proper place of my own… I let myself be taken in for a second opinion, because the first opinion – of my parents – had given those dumb motherfuckers ground for their diagnosis. Their words got me in this shit. I didn’t tell them anything (which is why they listened to my parents).
I hate that they’re so convinced that they’re right. Because it’s bullshit. [And they hateeeee that I never said that I believe them and that “I’m sorry for making them worried.” HELL FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOO. These people have let me bleeed for monthsssss. They didn’t interact with me then. I do not feel sorry about them thinking about me for 5 minutes while watching Netflix, while I had devoted all of my previous life they have destroyed with their bullshit rumors, TO MAKING THEIR LIVES BETTER, TOO.] I hope this day will finally show that I’m right. I want to win. The argument. The court case. The life I do deserve. Grrrrr meowwww.
Why I bought such an expensive gift? It might as well be the last gift you ever receive from me. Either I die, or I start a new life. Buying this gift is part of the proof that I’m a good person and she cannot ruin my image even more. [I mean, since she made me fill up her gas tank so often, with my self-earned money, for example. Not giving me an allowance, while together earning more than €12.000 per month. This. Shit. Stresses. Me. Out.]
If I were to go to Düsseldorf and never go back to the Netherlands ever, I would not give a fuck. It would be a relief, actually. But these flehs seem like the type of people who would then say “my car got stolen” and then let me be in jail [They say: “If you ever fuck up and end up on a police station, I’m letting you stay there, so you can learn your lesson.” Why the fuck weren’t you castrated? That’s such mental abuse. I bet that’s why I was at the police station for hoursssssss, too……] and then I’d be stuck being their motherfucking house slave for the rest of my life, because then even working 9 – 5 would be mission impossible. (I’d commit suicide, for sure.)
So yeah, I’m going to Düsseldorf. I’m hoping on an extended medical examination and am willing to empty out the rest of my savings for that. I’m hoping to see the people I love and to distance myself from those who bring me stress. I’m secretly hoping to start a new life from there, but I don’t have the funds for this and I’m stuck with this car my good heart wants to return [even though I could live in it].
Haha every time I pack, I pack all of my most valuable notebooks, because I don’t want these nosy ughhhhhhs to go through my stuff. They did this, when they were looking for clues, when I was missing. [Probably looking for a suicide note.] I do notttt want that to happen again. I also took both of my external hard drives.
Last time, I took extra panties, but I only had basketball shorts my mother had brought to me, after she had taken my sweatpants [AND HOUSE KEY. I SOOOO HOPE TO RETURN THAT KEY FOR GOOOOOOOOD BIIIIIIIITCH] home, without asking me. It was sooo cold and it made ugh hospital personnel call the ambulance to bring me to the institution, which was right across the hospital. A 2 minute walk. I had to pay MORE THAN €360 FOR THAT. THEY TOOK A DETOUR. [YEAH, THEY’RE ON MY SUE LIST, TOO.]
This time – just in case – I have taken some more loungewear with me. I’ve also taken along a dress, in case I’m not spending the night there and I’m taking myself on a date again. Jeeezzz I’d love to not have another dinner for 1 in a new scene, but it does save me from shitty conversations, often. [Haha “sometimes” could have been the expected word, instead of “often”. I dislike extensively talking about other people who are not present at the conversation. Shit like: “Oh *random name* has become a hairdresser now. Do you know where she lives? Do you know where that is?” And then take half an hour to describe a place I’ll never visit.
If we’re having a conversation, I want to keep the focus on you and me. We can also talk about things that include other people, but the emphasis should be on us. If we have nothing in common, I’ll be stressing myself out, trying to keep the conversation going. Not enjoying shit, because it’s forced and we have nothing in common.]
Ah meoww I rant when flashbacks take a hold of me.
It’s 01:30 AM now. Four and a half hours to sleep left.
I’m thinking of making little videos to post, tomorrow. It’s heavy going through this shit all alone. Then, it will be like you’re there with me <3.
I’m also taking my camera :D.
Good night <3
Oh, by the way: I mentioned that I lost my earrings, but my mother had put them in her jewelry box! (Why? Why¿ “So that you can’t lose them.” But I didn’t know that they were there, so they were lost, to me. Other than that FOCUS ON YOURSELFFF OH MY GAAAAAWDDD. I didn’t say that. I only asked why and then said “okay.”) I didn’t have to buy those earrings *set of laughing emojis*. Now I have two of a similar type (and I like the old ones more…)…
00:07 (12:07 AM)
The “welcome text” of this website, I have changed againn… Just like the book description of The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I. This because I want to semi-keep this website. When https://danielle-lucy.love is online, when you visit https://lilfangs.com, you will see a pop-up that asks you if you want to visit my new website. This instead of redirecting you right away. I think, to just delete everything at once or make this website unaccessible, is kind of a waste of so many hours of writing and of you keeping up with me for so long. I love you!! ♥ <3
Another thing I have changed is the scope of Volta, into something less focused on specific emotional concepts. I have changed the types of concepts I’ll address in the book and the way I’ll address them. I want to make it a little less mechanic and more structured as a guide. It is a guidance proposal for the reader and a guide to myself. It becomes your guide, too, if you agree with the method and goals of my proposal. I don’t want to orient the content around the concept of a “guidance proposal”, though, otherwise I’d be making the same “mistake” I made with Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I’ll change the concept of the proposal as a separate charity aspect of D.O.C.I.S. International, which won’t include the reader having to chip in, for the goal of the charity to be achieved.
Against the will of my mother, I have booked a hotel room in Düsseldorf for one night. I don’t want to drive 6 hours in one day and I would love to explore a city I haven’t been in before. Maybe I’ll be able to make some new pictures for my new website.
I just had the impulse to visit a photo studio in Düsseldorf. I’ll “invest” my final savings in that, some cheap legal advice and ???. Today, I also purchased a new personalizable theme for my new blog. I think it’s best to invest what I have, in my business, because I might earn it back (hopefully more, so that I can make a living) in the long run.
I’m off to bed
Good night <3
15:31 (03:31 PM)
If there’s something I find annoying, it’s getting random chores right when I’m about to leave. When I live by myself, I can do the dishes at a time that suits me. Grrrr.
Haha meow, anyway :D. I’m now going to drive to a friend’s. We’ll be cooking vegan food and playing Nintendo :].