Good afternoon ♥
This is one of those days where what I’ll do today is not diverse enough to devote a diary day theme to it, so I devote it to the theme or feeling that has the most influence on my heart at the moment I start writing the post.
My mind is distressed and simultaneously kept sane by different types of passion. Mischief, unachieved goals and unsatisfied desires keep me awake at night; my causes of the feelings of guilt that come with sin, weighing me down, while they’re not even great sins.
Luckily I’m working towards the achievement of my goals and I find some satisfaction of the mental challenge I need in keeping up this blog. And I’m very happy that you have been returning here after having seen this web domain of mine for the first time. 🙂 Hopefully you can relate to this theme (as well). It’s not my first time mentioning it, but I believe it’s my first time devoting a post to it.
(Haha I say “I believe” like I’ve written this entire blog not sober and have no idea what I’ve been writing. But it’s more because this theme has occurred on my blog so very often and it has influenced me so much that it’s almost unthinkable that I’ve never devoted a post to it like this. Yet still it’s true. (I remember what I write. 🙂 ))
This post will be a map of my passions and desires listed from most satisfied to most nagging. I’ll write this through the day. Currently I’m at the same beach as yesterday, this time only with my mother and grandmother. My feet are burning in the sand.
I painted my nails white yesterday. It has been quite a few years since I’ve done that. Someone I once spoke to via Twitter (and then got blocked 🙁 ) told me that all-white nail polish would look nice on me. It was basically the first time that I received a suggestion from a heterosexual male about what to do with my appearance that was something I hadn’t thought of myself. I love getting creative suggestions like that. 🙂 And – though I don’t do it as well as people at nail salons do – I like it. 🙂
This brings me to my most satisfied desire:
There are endless ways in which I can distract myself from thoughts/feelings I don’t want to have. Most often I do this by writing/blogging and by talking to/chatting with other people.
Even when a common distraction becomes the reason why I need more distraction, I find a satisfying distraction. An example of this is when people tell me “You really shouldn’t have put this or that in your diary.” Then I feel bad about myself for a while, because I don’t write for dissatisfaction; still I never take away what I have written because that would go against my principles. It would be an endless discussion in which I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall if I’d explain why my written perception of life somewhere in a far corner of the public web should stay untouched by the dissatisfaction of others. Especially because they can loathe about me to their friends and I don’t have people who understand my view like mine in my close social environment (as far as I know) so this blog is of very high emotional value. I always tell them “Sue me, then,” but they never do. Then I write some on pen and paper or watch some television with my relatives and after a while feel that even though someone may now like me less my life stays intact so I shouldn’t worry.
The next passion/desire will follow in a few. I’m going to cool off some in this alien shade of sea. (How to clean this water?) xxxxxx
Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
In the sea, surrounded by a sea full of people, I took a moment to realize in what order I should list the rest of my passions/desires. Tomorrow I’ll be alone and I’ll take us (that’s you and I, my reader yay 🙂 ) to the beach that is quiet and only reachable if you travel by bike or walk. 🙂 I almost have my Summer tan back yays. 🙂
Distraction is my only desire that is fully satisfied. Can you relate to how I use distraction? Is distraction your most satisfied desire (so much that it’s like a passion) as well? I hope that I’m your healthy distraction. 😀
The next desire that is the most satisfied is observation. This needs some explanation.
Updated 15:42 (03:42 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
The observation I mean works in two ways. I absolutely do not mean the “I think you’re a schizophrenic and I don’t want you to harm yourself,” unwanted type of surveillance I’ve had enough of for my entire life, I’ve been complaining about for quite some time.
I love when people observe me out of passion for who I am and what I do. Before this blog, that was already happening. With this blog, it’s even more. 🙂
Meow my battery is low so I’ll continue this later. 🙁 xxxxx
Updated 17:55 (05:55 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]
I’m back yays. 🙂 Even though my phone had just 1% battery left, I had to capture a picture of the ice cream I was eating while my grandmother and I were waiting for my mother who – because it was crowded at that beach – had parked 10 minutes away (my grandmother is not that fit anymore, which is why we went to the beach available by car in the first place…):
This has definitely made my top 5 tastiest (and most natural tasting) ice cream yays. 🙂 Plus I find €5,20 a very fair (Dutch) price for 4 scoups, especially because it’s the first Italian restaurant selling ice you come across right after coming off the main entrance of the beach. 🙂
In everything I do and say, I take observation into consideration. Life, to me, has always felt like I’m watched every single move and every day I love it more. (This is way one out of the two ways.) I have nothing to hide. I know I’m addictive and always try my very best to please you. 🙂 I want to be your reminder that life is good.
By being watched I do not only mean the “Big Brother” idea of the government and corporate world observing people’s behavior, for which I’d love to be an example. (Not (at all necessarily) of how to do things the right way…)
I also mean the type of secret observation people with money can do. And the types of observation people with heightened senses can do. Can you imagine what intelligent people with money and hightened senses can do? 😻 I want to become part of that community my meow. 😻 Their senses telling them to keep me close is an idea I cherish so much and wish to learn sooo much more about. When I experienced brain-to-brain communication at its loudest volume I’ve been able to ask some questions. I miss that so much, my meow. 🙁 I wish we could continue our conversation and be open about all of this, without negative consequences (the whole police and schizophrenia thing that followed was quite very negative on my side of the spectrum… I don’t knoe what happend to the other side, which is like torture to have no idea of that 🙁 ).
I also love when people (most often men who are older than I) turn their heads and watch me every move when I walk by anywhere.
Being positively observed in many different ways makes me feel unique and appreciated. I love that so much. ♥
Vice versa I closely watch global developments in my own way and I observe the people who observe me as far as I’m able to.
I see the tension between left and right getting more serious every day. I see the voice of the left being voiced through established media and “”(influentiable) people and the voice of the right being voiced through expensive campaigns and through the people who are being put under media fire by the left.
I see the establishment/elite being more openly criticized by people of whom I thought that they are actually part of the elite or who should have more fire power against the establishment. I really thought that people like Thierry Baudet and Josh Hawley are people who were born into the elite. Or is this true and is the situation even more complex? Because they seem so bullied by their opponents. 🙁
I wish I had a louder voice to that I could shut their opponents up for real… When I see videos of dr. Baudet’s initiatives in de Tweede Kamer and the way he is being check-mated by the most awful strategies, I wish I had a “Der Fangs Partij” (haha remember¿) seat there so that I could support him… 🙁
The overview I have of the state of the world is based on my observation which is as objective as possible. Never do I want to read some briefing of what the world looks like, written by any overrated person who is considered “the light” of information about how the world works. I want to be that person for myself. (And so should you. 🙂 (But please let me be your Catje. 😻 ))
The only thing I really can’t put my finger on is where is this all heading to? Will the curtain be lifted and be shown that all of the tension is fake? Will this all lead to a new war in the Western world? Will I get the influence I want in this?
I honestly wish I could get access to everyone’s location and (phone/laptop/speakers/smart watch/car/anything) microphones at all time. And then do stuff with mathematics and stuff. 😻 And replace all government policies with completely new ones and stuff…
Meowsss my mother and grandmother are back to de Randstad, so I’m all alone here in Egmond now. I love how quiet it is here and how the air smells more like rural nature.
There is no wifi here and I have quite some passion/desire topics for you left, so – hoping you don’t mind – the rest of my list I’ll write with pen and paper and then post images of it in my diary. Starting tomorrow… 🙂
Tomorrow I’ll start the day off very chill and slowly, getting settled here some more. (And reporting my taxes via my phone after having checked my tax calculations on my laptop…) Read some Keynes under the parasol here in the little garden while the Sun is at its maximum, flip some pancakes… Then later cycle to the less approachable beach, hoping that it’s not as busy as the beach of Egmond aan Zee. We’ll have fun, you and I. 🙂
I’m going to drink some tea and reasin some. See you tomorrow. ♥
Updated 23:37 (11:37 PM) [Timezone GMT +2 (Amsterdam; CEST)]