A lot has happened this weekend, as you might have noticed. Therefore it’s time for another rationalization. Let me start off by saying, NO REGRETS.
I need to get this off my chest. I need some time to be alone and think. (Thus write.) However, I need to finish my accounting assignment so I’ll have to dash to the library in a few. So for now I’m keeping it short-ish and after I’ve handed it in and gone to English class et cetera I’ll continue.
Rationalization of (Unwritten) Words
Yesterday, I said this:
I’m never going back to Rotterdam again because there they will call the psychiatrists on me for sure.
That makes it seem like that is my only reason not to go. I should have written (so people can understand it better): “I’m never going back to Rotterdam again because I never want to see the faces I used to consider “my loved ones” ever again. On top of that, after all that happend and after them again believing that I’m a schizophrenic, having another attack of schizophrenia, they will call the psychiatrists on me for sure and then hold long monologues about themselves when they come visit me once I’m locked up. Therefore I have intentions of never visiting the Netherlands again. Also not for psychiatry.” I don’t know how I’m going to tackle that yet, for dr. Catje is one of the few I can level with, but his assistant not so much…
She, as well as many others, for some reason think that they’re teaching me something. While I’m just being polite, responding to their words with positive words, while deep down I’d rather say that I think that it’s complete nonsense.
Vooral omdat er geen taart was
— The Fangs (@LilFangs_) November 3, 2019
You might have seen the image I posted on Twitter yesterday, of a piece of paper in my bed that was not my hand-writing.
It’s an insult. Especially “Quick thank you!” I only use a lot of words because most people don’t understand me when I keep it short and I’d rather just be clear at once.
It’s not me. Especially when she said – thinking that it’s her idea while I just let her talk and wanted to talk about my sex problem – “After your grandmother has thrown the bowling ball, you thank her for everything she has done for you.” She has raised me for a great part of my life. But was I that much of a pain in the ass that it wasn’t just what she had to do? I feel more hurt than joy when I think of most of my loved ones. Those sentimental thank yous would be lies.
I’d like to say thank you for keeping away from me.
Next up, let me quickly rationalize the very special bad thing I’ve done Friday – Sunday.
So I was in the Netherlands on October 31st and took the last train home at 22:10. I just wanted to be home (alone) when turning 23. After so many traumatic birthdays I needed a moment of sole self-reflection.
On November 1st I spent most time in bed with the blinds closed. (Wasn’t even using that vibrator because I wasn’t in the mood, then.) I only got up to eat something around about 4 PM. It was All Saint’s Day so most shops were closed and I had told my family that they could come around for soup around 6 PM so that we could be at the bowling alley around 9 PM. But I didn’t want to be with those who hurt me often and claim that I deserve it.
When my family arrived at 20:22, and I had no food prepared, I didn’t open the door. “C’mon, pretend you like these people. It’s just for a few hours,” and that then two days in a row. I couldn’t do it anymore.
They have been knocking on my door for a few hours. Different types of knocks. It started off with happy-ish knocks. Then they became “Ooohhh you don’t know who you’re messing with” slow knocks. Later followed by Donkey Kong I’m trying to smash through the door type of knocks. Not one word said. I was hoping they’d just go bowling or something.
In the middle of the night, my father, grandmothers, sister and her boyfriend had gone home. My mother, breaking the key she had to my house, managed to forge the lock and get in. I was shivering with fear, expecting that my father was going to attack me. But it was just my mother, kneeling beside my bed, saying dramatic words.
The next day, she told me that she had cancelled my party. I thought “Huh? Why? It’s better they see this first hand.”
I need to go to library to finish my accounting assignment. Here’s a random gallery of randomized images of most numbers I’ve blocked now. They have a special place in my heart, but they’re not my friends and I’ve been doing quite well without them. Plus they hurt. After 2017 our relationship already was a heavier burden anyway. We can’t level.
Also funny thing. My lying ass mother kept saying “Yeah because you were intoxicated and because you texted those people that you were ill, they did not want to come anymore.” But one of those texts saying that my party was already cancelled in the morning of November 2nd proves that my parents have been making schizophrenic lying ass bullshit claims again.
And those sentimental holiday pictures were a birthday joke. I wanted to throw all those images in there, but Chrome was like “Nah.” They’re so depressing to look at.
No regrets. See you later. x
10:55 Antwerpen Kievitwijk
Rationalization of Antwerpiyays
Hmm I should make it Antwerpiyaes. That makes it sound more Graey.
Rationalization of Antwerpiyaes
The past few weeks, I’ve been relatively very absent for time I’m spending by myself. It is because I have been putting more devotion into my studies than I ever have. My days were like waking up and having 3 different subjects to binge-study, 30 pages per subject on average (but for some subjects, like economics and sociology, often far more). In the meantime also cooking and cleaning, as well as grocery shopping et cetera. When I, for example, had one chapter of Law to read, but it’s past 12 AM already, I’d still read that chapter – even though I could barely keep my eyes open. As long as I don’t fall behind on schedule and as long as I use a marker on the most important aspects of the text so that I can make a summary later. Blogging is what I exchanged for a slight improvement of my sleep schedule.
But now that I am doing some trippy Volta stuff, I really need to write. And – really – I don’t like to keep you waiting. 🙁 Let me share my dinner recipe with you.
I’ve missed cooking with you so much, my love! My moussaka has missed you.
Those who have kept up with my blog since last year will understand. 🙂 I’m so glad I have it again (and I wish I could get this edition for the D.O.C.I.S. Store but I can’t find it in wholesale 🙁 )! Can’t wait until past my exams (January) so that I can read it. 🙂 Haha and the combination of lube and this book is random. They were just delivered on the same day. 🙂
Meooow I love the tall section at ASOS! I love tall sections in general! Because this suits my body sooo much better meow. I mean I knew I was tall, but I didn’t know I was “tall”, you see. 174cm is not that tall, but size 38 clothing for tall people are a better fit for me I see now. 🙂 Oof now I feel quite embarrassed about all of the non-tall clothing I have. I should get more tall people clothing, but financially I should be on my toes.
Because of that – odd strategy, I know….
Once I get the books that are required for that course (next month), I’ll be able to perform better. This I did in a couple of hours, while the actual assignment should have been done in a couple of days. Hopefully next time I can get my laptop to connect the software to the university, so that I can work on it at any time instead of depending on the library.
Joining a high IQ society has been on my mind for quite a while, but I worried about getting in because I don’t know where the results are of that test I made when I was 6, and I fear getting a lower score… (Though it’s more likely my results would be far higher than 133…) I thought Mensa was this huuuge organization of which 3% of the world population was a member. But after visiting the website of Mensa Belgium (copyright 2016) I thought “oh. 😮 ” That’s how I got calculating. How many members I expected the organization to have, in comparison to the amount of members the organization’s website shows. 112 public members. Now maybe not everyone has his/her information on the internet publicly, but still 112 is a great difference with the 338.038 people [haha two and a half meheeeennn [for adaption to my school environment I’m sticking to the European “numeric interpunction” 2.000,95]] who were 3% of Belgium in 2016.
Then I viewed the population distribution chart by age to see if maybe age played a role for the number. As in a 90-year-old might not be fit enough to be part of a social club. But with the emphasis on might. I believe even intelligent babies are welcome. 🙂
But that means that I could maybe mean sooo much for that organization. As in it should really be campaigning for members!!! I’d love it if they would cooperate (maybe even form a partnership… maybe even fuse but that’s maybe too much if there’s much emotional attachment… 😀 ) with D.O.C.I.S. International. So I sent an e-mail. The e-mail was just about that I want to become a member (sending that to the international Mensa, assuming that there are international Mensa meetings), asking if I should retake the test if I’ve already done an official one, but don’t know where the result is anymore.
Usually when I send an e-mail, I’m often either rejected or ignored, so I’m struggling with palpitations again when opening my mailbox. I wonder if I might get in touch with my fellow Graeynissis soon. 😀 😀 😀
By the way, the population distribution chart above displays that the big babyboom protrusion moving towards 65 slowly but more than steadily is a projection of what vergrijzing is. It used to stress me out – especially because my generation is relatively small. Also because retired people will pin everything on my generation if there are too many people not working and too few resources. We can’t say “Ehm not our problem…”, but there are many different ways to look at it. I’m a lot less worried. As a future economic policymaker I can’t wait to get officially involved in this. Furthermore, because my generation is relatively small, there’s less to alpha female over, so yay. 🙂
I’m going to read some economics now and will be with you again here tomorrow. I don’t want to go to bed because I’m having anxiety attacks about people (mainly my parents) aggressively breaking in to my house. My nights are sweaty and shivery. I wish I could cuddle Victishe. 🙁
Maar jaa verder niets aan deze eenzaamheid te veranderen. 🙁 Jaa op zich kan ik wel mensen gaan deblokkeren enzo maar dat wil ik eigenlijk helemaal niet. Daar halen we geen Pareto-optimum uit want per extra persoon die zeurt over mijn gedrag daalt mijn blijdschap verder. Zo lang ik geen Graeynissis vind zal ik alleen zijn en daar heb ik vrede mee. Zie mezelf Kerst en Oud en Nieuw al in mijn eentje vieren. Wat ik oprecht prima vind. (Maar natuurlijk heb ik liever kusjes en leuke, lieve mensen om me heen.) Zit echt in een gekke situatie want ik heb nu mijn beide ouders geblokkeerd op Whatsapp.
I genuinely love Antwerp sooo muchhh!!! I feel home here. 🙂
Welterusten, liefjes. ♥
– xxx –
23:35 (11:35 PM) [GMT +1]