The last addendum will be online soon enough. In this post, I’m reflecting on what’s ahead: the addenda and other aspects of my present life in development. And I do another attempt to describe what I think is a semi-common feeling.

My love,

I hope this post will also make clearer why this is addressed to you.

Addenda

A definition of the idiom “soon enough” is, according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, “no later than needed”. I find the clarification of my vision on my past actions something that everyone who heard of me going missing should have had a chance of hearing. It is about the chance. I suppose the majority of people will not have the patience and interest to watch it from start to finish. And also a lot of people will (continue to) think that I am “evil” for “causing” all of the things I’ve gone through and have taken others through. Making the decision is up to them.

With the business aspirations that I have – policy as a service – I, as I have often mentioned, find it important that you are 100% behind me. Consider me a party leader.

The addenda are about me in my worst moments – which unfortunately makes up most of my past. You are 100% behind me if you, after all that I have said, still see something in me, 100% free of grudges.

reflecting on what's ahead

This is how far we’ve gotten in the past addenda: October 2017.

It is my intention to put Addendum 3 online as soon as possible. Though it may not be directly visible, I find reflecting on my past emotionally difficult. Reliving moments causes a lot of pain. (But the filming is good. In that way at least I can process it in peace.) It is visible in my dim energy. I used to be a very visibly happy (looking) person and now smiling is very hard for me.

Today, if that’s still happening, I’ll be helping a former colleague with writing his thesis. So I’ll film Addendum 3 afterwards, in the evening. The combination of the past I describe in my addenda, my social life and this blog is quite something, explained in the next section…

Socials

This blog mainly functions as a (self-)therapeutic platform for creative self-expression. I rarely mention what I’m going to write and that I’m going to write something. (It depends on the extent to which I think it will be understood.) The unpredictability of what actions lead to what feelings and thus what actions lead to a positive or negative expression on my blog, causes some tension, I think.

That you’re keeping an eye on me, however, makes me feel safe. Unlike the danger of getting hurt. To me my only sense of safety goes beyond the tension. But to the people as characters in my diary I assume it does not. I feel we should work that out collectively… Find some sort of consensus… I refer you to Volta.

Reflecting on what’s ahead… Aside from two former colleagues, I’m not that much on speaking terms with people of my (former) circle. Especially not with my parents.

When I’d ask, they’d deny because I asked, but to some this is a “who has the longest breath, you can’t live without us and will come crawling back to us,” I’ll happily win this. Reflecting on what’s ahead…

Honestly, I think it’s all right like this. I almost made a big mistake on my birthday. (Celebrating it.) But now, instead of working to get back nothing, I got the lots of alone time I always desired. In a way, loneliness is my problem. Trying to restore my circle will, however, not solve that, because I still – let’s say politically – differ so extremely from most people that I can’t level with them and prefer to be alone.

They, however, do have a special place in my heart. And they are on my mind a lot. They just hurt a lot. To some of them that does not even apply. But so much has happened, and often if I try to appease one I need to try to appease them all. (Otherwise it’s like “But if you’re doing this to me now, then why are you still not this and that to this and that person,” because I know I’m a fun topic of conversation.)

eye

A special gift from Turkey. ♥

I cherish our memories. With some I really wish I could go back to 2010 or something. But currently I worry, because I find so much peace in my loneliness and the holidays are coming up. I prefer sending Christmas gifts to my parents’ house, cooking a Christmas meal for one and watching fireworks from the rooftop on New Year’s. But I rarely get my way – this apartment is a huge exception. Let’s talk money for a second.

The breakfast I prepared for my logee and I. Chai lattes, self-made tuna salad, boiled eggs (I allowed him to boil though usually I prefer to do everything myself hihi ahw) and ovenbrood.  🙂

Money

money shopping list

I’d send a Shiatsu massage pillow as a Christmas gift (and buy one for myself as well). Since I’m unfortunately causing stress. And those pillows are amaaazing.

The image shows my shopping list of some things I can’t all buy at once. For this month, I’ve bought clothing and a new wig. (I’m expecting my new wig some moment next week. I’m very excited and have already bought all hair care products needed. (Like expecting a baby lol.) I didn’t know that the toko around the corner also sold IC hair products, until two days ago. 🙂 )

Next up will be buying the first 2 – 3 items on the list. And in January, I hope to buy new glasses (which is not even on the list) when I semi-upgrade my health care subscription.

shopping list

Frequents. I bought this 200ml jar of Nutella at Delhaize but last time I could only find family-sized packages.

Friday, to the grocery store like…

runkeeper addenda

Eggs, shampoo, conditioner, Listerine and volume mousse I bought today after jogging in the park and doing exercises.

My equation of living expenses is currently:

Debet €1426

  • Zorgtoeslag €99
  • Stufi €977
  • Ouderbijdrage €350 (sometimes + €50 for travel expenses)

Credit €1053

  • Rent (including water, gas and electricity) €740
  • Wifi €32
  • Health insurance €120
  • Phone €50 (average)
  • Webhosting €60 (average)
  • Publisher’s license €25
  • Laundry €26

So on average I use €373 to buy groceries, train tickets, clothing et cetera for a month. Which is quite all right. Not optimal, because I can’t spend carefree, but the more I build up my huisraad (household goods, in this context things one (living solo) does not buy every month, such as spices and olive oil), the lesser I need to buy every time I go grocery shopping. For example, every time I buy something canned – such as chick peas, diced tomatoes, canned tuna and garden peas – I buy a can extra. It allows me to improvise more and spend less. And I have a great apartment in a great neighborhood, plus I don’t have an awful job, so I’m good. Very good and grateful.

Some quick food improvisations I’d like to share with you. (The Inner Crown had “recipe” as a category, but I forgot to insert the recipe, so here it comes, quickly. x_x) I always make pictures of my process when I cook, to share it with you.

Quick Burrito

Another Improvisation

Best. Meal. Ever.

For this month, I have paid my health insurance, web hosting, wifi and publisher’s license. I, however, completely understandable, have not received my ouderbijdrage (yet). Every time I’m asked “When will I see you again?” “When are you stopping by?” I reply “I don’t know.” Reflecting on what’s ahead… It’s a tough situation. No further comment.

I hope I’ll get my propedeutics this curriculum (preferably without resits).

Uni

Working on the Addendum, being depressed in my bed, writing blog posts, doing (semi-)social things, cleaning my house, responding to texts and questions, etc… Lately I’ve been “disobeying my study-planner” to do these things. Reflecting on what’s ahead… It’s not in such a state that I’m certain to fail my exams, but I do will need to shut my phone off for a week to focus on reading and nothing else, to start on writing summaries on time (mid-December, preferably sooner).

That’s all I wanted to say about studying. Ah and yes that I’d still prefer a more challenging and creative way to get my degree (to and beyond PhD). Just let me write a book ugh meow. 🙁

A Reflection about Attraction

After the Addendum, I’d like to record a video in which I reflect on the concept of attraction. I’d like to share a better alternative to court one another, in comparison to what the fuck is going on in this world right now, I’d also like to take a moment to share “an attractive perspective” – being universally attractive (even people who say “I don’t like people of this and that race” find universally attractive people attractive, such as Kylie Jenner) comes with certain assumptions from the non-universally-attractive and it often also comes with a harmful, very often not understood type of discrimination (for example, usually in a crowded place or even in a quiet supermarket, people try to keep distance from each other and not bump into each other, but people try to purposely bump into universally attractive people for attention (and I wish I had a guardian or a boyfriend or something)) which I want to try to explain (I think I just did) – and some personal things because I’m called attractive so frequently that I now feel “not normal” when I don’t hear it and when I hear it, I just feel “normal” and not even attractive (does this make sense¿).

Speaking of attraction. Tishe… (Es abbreviation of Victishe, but you figured that out already?) Two things:

  1. In my post of last Christmas, I gave an outline of “the D.O.C.I.S. International Parliament” (or whatever title I gave it lol) and called you “Assessor”. That is because the other spots were already assigned and you were the person I met last. But now I’m thinking of throwing the entire organizational construction around big time.You are so passionate and so experienced – speaking of leadership in this context hihi (ahahahahahaha) – that I’d like to give you the most power that could be possessed by not me. With the combination of your leadership skills and my strategic vision, we can move mountains together. I could design strategies, brief you while massaging your shoulders and kissing you and stuff, and you could then perhaps transfer this strategy to briefing department heads (where I’d be present too because I like to see you in action meowww). *Screams internally* I want this to be real soo bad meoww it’s a dream.
  2. I know you’re attracted to me. 🙂 It took me a while to realize this (again¿). As in I suddenly realized this about 2 days ago. At first I was very uncertain and scared for rejection (even scared that you don’t like colored people sorry that I always have that fear around non-(non-North-)African-roots-having people).But then I remembered that moment where you stared at me for too long during (omg I’m typing this here aaah sorry) a speech and it was like you were losing control of your body. As in it was like from your stare and movement I could see that you were visualizing us having sex in a standing position. (Which is cool but meow we should talk about this because idk what this does with your thoughts. I hope you don’t feel bad about it because I want this to really happen lol.) Then I tried to indirectly nudge you to look away from me. Then you summarized your speech, which gave me the impression that you might wanted to mention another topic. (3 instead of 2.)Cuddle? 😀 I really love your bold vision meow lead us please. 🙂 ♥ I miss you. 🙁

Further ahead

I  have 2 fake Twitter account with which (lol my English fam ahaha wth) I hype my own content. Not to seem popular – fuck society 🙂 – but more for my own emotional support. I also use them to share even crazier sides of myself. (Like I find M. Bosma from the PVV a really good politician. And I love Cybertruck, but that’s not that crazy right…? (Still controversial. Why do the most ambitious always get so much sneak opposition. 🙁 ))

Views

Hopefully this will make it easier for the Inner Crown to latch on to this display of mine. Everything keeps looking like an unsupported one-woman show. With extremist thoughts “no one has”. While in reality it’s extremist thoughts no one dares to share because if everyone would do that all at the same time, this world would fall apart (socially, which would be a relief to me. Also when it does ecologically because that in reality is – after the flooding of the Netherlands – when the natural balance is restored).

I’ve tried to break this down plenty of times, but I will try it once more (once of many, if needed):

Everyone has some kind of public enemy collective. To some it’s rich people, to some it’s poor people, to some it’s certain religious groups, to some it’s immigrants, to some it’s intellectuals, to some it’s non-intellectuals, the Illuminati, et cetera. This is retarded. Because within that group, there are still very different people. One cannot say that an entire group of people is bad, based on one common factor. (You might find someone like you in that exact group of people you dislike.)

If we use multiple factors, it, however, is possible to determine who should survive the flood. (LOL.) From the previously mentioned groups (rich, poor, etc.), filter out those who have unique talents, who are very intelligent, passionate about doing things, sweet, able to be creative and not dependent on things like YouTube and Netflix. The rest is your enemy. If these multiple factors do not apply to you, I am your enemy. 🙂

Direction

I have a path, but I’m currently not really on it. D.O.C.I.S. International is my path. But I spend most time reading basic knowledge to get a piece of paper that fits the general standard of academic representation, implying that everything I do now is non-academic-worthy. Ugh. This awful system.

After I get that awful paper, I can still become a policymaker. Like double, because with D.O.C.I.S. International I’m trying to accomplish the same thing. Three years. x_x But I love my neighborhood – aside from the plenty of car fumes – so I’m good.

This is the end of the post. But I’ve been being a depressed bed Catje – because I miss Tishe, am lonely and am quite emotionally drained by the plenty of sexual online attention – so I’ve been reading example sentences and would like to share my collection with you. (I always keep a collection of my favorites.)

Example Sentences

She quelled her sense of panic, instead moving as far from them as possible to the kitchen and hoping they didn’t notice her.

While thus engaged no topic is too large for his mental grasp, none too small for his notice; and, what is still rarer, every topic is seen in its due relation to the rest.

Pierre had failed to notice Natasha because he did not at all expect to see her there, but he had failed to recognize her because the change in her since he last saw her was immense.

She buried her face in his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t notice she was crying.

Unlike Laura Bridgman, she is fond of gentlemen, and we notice that she makes friends with a gentleman sooner than with a lady.

He so busied himself with his silly telephone trick to call away the mother he didn’t notice someone who must have been watching.

Illness plagues me each morning, causing me difficulty in accomplishing my chores, as simple as they may be, though failing Mrs. Cummings hardly seems to notice.

I can’t say for certain, but I feel eyes on me.

There were few things in life she was certain about, and one of them was that she’d felt safer with Jule during their short time together than she ever did with her father.

I’m fairly certain she is the one; this Elizabeth…

The heaviness of her mind grew, until she wasn’t certain why she should resist Darkyn in the first place.

But I must be certain as it may well be the one I slayed as she squatted ignominiously on the toilet.

There was something familiar about that face, yet she was certain she had never met him before.

He gets stymied at times because of lack of access to certain information sources.

Due to genetic factors we will certainly learn about in the future, some drugs and treatments do not work on certain people.

In every action we examine we see a certain measure of freedom and a certain measure of inevitability.

She knew for certain that she was pretty, but this no longer gave her satisfaction as it used to.

How certain are you that what you feel is not real?

And the main thing is,” he continued, “that I know, and know for certain, that the enjoyment of doing this good is the only sure happiness in life.”

Certain destruction lay behind the French but in front there was hope.

One thing was certain–that he was suffering and wished to say something.

As soon as we have a certain number of worthy men in every state, each of them again training two others and all being closely united, everything will be possible for our order, which has already in secret accomplished much for the welfare of mankind.

She knew this for certain, though she hardly heard his voice through the closed doors.

Pierre knew that everyone was waiting for him to say a word and cross a certain line, and he knew that sooner or later he would step across it, but an incomprehensible terror seized him at the thought of that dreadful step.

She needs certain facts pointed out to her.

He was certain to take her to climax each time before seeking his own release, a practice she’d never participated, when she was a goddess who felt nothing.

She wasn’t certain why her chest felt tight enough to hinder her breathing while her eyes were watering.

“Why I called you all here was to finish the discussion we started at our last meeting about the immunity of two certain humans to Immortal powers,” Kris interjected.

He watched as she tossed more clothing into her suitcase, certain what he wanted to say would only make her pack faster.

They mature slowest of all Immortals, but when they hit certain points in angel years, they jump to the next human stage of maturity, Helga said.

She hadn.t been certain about the kind of life she.d have with him, but she was certain she didn.t want a life without him.

I.m certain we can work this out between us, assassin.

A certain amount of planning and calculation went into all of her actions.

She wasn’t certain a vampire was exactly what she needed right now.

She still wasn’t certain what it meant to have the heart of a vampire.

To comprehend the real position we are forced to the conviction that the world of facts is the field in which, and that laws are the means by which, those higher standards of moral and aesthetical value are being realized; and such a union can again only become intelligible through the idea of a personal Deity, who in the creation and preservation of a world has voluntarily chosen certain forms and laws, through the natural operation of which the ends of His work are gained.

The two differ in certain details of dentition, and in the greater development in the former of the parachute, especially the interfemoral portion, which in the latter is almost absent.

She is known to us chiefly through two myths, both symbolizing the change of seasons, but intended also to illustrate certain doctrines developed in the temple-schools of Babylonia.

What had started as admiration and respect for the Guardian was turning into something more, and she didn’t know what to do about it.

In the former woman appears as the serpent whose trail is over all; in the latter, written twenty-five years after the event, she is the guardian angel abused and maltreated by men.

As he is thus lamenting, a woman appears to him of dignified mien, whom he recognizes as his guardian, Philosophy.

Every cove of the seashore, every point, every island and prominent rock has its guardian spirit.

to secure the recognition of his daughter’s rights by appointing his brother her guardian.

He sensed her Guardian gift: the ability to manipulate minds.

She’d admired him as the Guardian, but she’d fallen in love with the rebel leader.

Just recalling how dangerous a female Guardian warrior with a knack for manipulating others can be.

xxx

03:33 (AM) Kievitwijk, Antwerpen

Pexels reflecting on what's ahead car road Suliman Sallehi

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