If there weren’t a (globally¿) spread rumor about me, I would have been approached and believed positively different, by others. Starting this project would have been much easier, without this bias.

Even people who I don’t know, (think they) “know” me, as that person who “has had mental issues”, because of the message that was spread, while I was missing. Most of them talk to me as if I’m not an adult and should be kept away from “serious information”. It is in the sentiment in their voice. As if a war broke out and I am a little child who doesn’t understand what’s happening, so they tell me: “We just have to hide here,” without explaining the context to me. I find this so very annoying. 

And this while I wasn’t having mental issues. I was just having a conflict with my parents that then already lasted three weeks and I was too broke to say: “I’ll live in a hotel until I find a place to stay.” (If I had some money, back then, I wouldn’t have had to sleep outside to finally be away from “the pit”.)

The conflict was about me spending time with Benoît.

My PR business was about to go bankrupt, then. They’ve sealed this by spreading a message that emphasized their side of the story as the “good side”, in the conflict, portraying me as the “bad and crazy side and sole cause”, by not sharing that we were in a conflict and I wasn’t heard. Since the day on which Benoît and I were planning to meet up, but I was taken to the First Aid, because I was in conflict with my parents and I stopped talking to them and looking at them, after which I wasn’t allowed to go outside by myself anymore, we have been fighting. Since that day, they let psychiatric nurses come to the house almost every day. Every time I’ve told them, I did not want and did not need their help. They say: “Without our help, this [wanting to see Benoît, “who is not real”, they said] won’t be solved.” They gave me all types of antipsychotics and kalmeringspillen.

I’ve never showed them the e-mail evidence I had. Initially out of disappointment for them not believing me while I was speaking the truth. And also because it was none of their fucking business what our e-mails were about.

The day I went missing, I had “changed my behavior” (in the sense that I actually took some of those pills [because I wanted them to allow me to go outside]) and was allowed to go outside. Outside, I felt so free and wanted that feeling to last forever, so I decided to never go home again, not thinking of them reporting me as “missing”.

I was found after three days after “leaving the house to play the piano in the central library of Rotterdam” [even though we have a piano at home. I tend to avoid negative commentary (especially when practicing)]. Found by two cops, because someone from the neighborhood I was in at that time (Hillegersberg), had called the cops because I was outside on the same spot, for too long. I told them I would go to my grandmother, if I’m not allowed to sit outside on that bench, close to a (grocery) shopping area in a neighborhood I didn’t know. When I wanted to walk away, they said, “That I wasn’t allowed to,” and had to take place in the back of the police van. They drove me to the station in the neighborhood my parents’ house is in, where they forced me to do a urine test, forced me to empty some cup with “orange juice” and interrogated me way too often, while I told them I didn’t want to talk. 

Underneath my expressionless face was so much rage about the way they treated me as if I was a criminal, which I didn’t show them, because they wouldn’t understand it for sure [if they didn’t even realize “I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME” means that YOU SHOULD NOT CALL MY PARENTS TO COME AND PICK ME UP]. They were all armed, so I didn’t want to take risk when it came to that either.  

No one has told me what exactly was in the message they sent when I was missing, how Benoît was involved in the search process and on what scale people have heard a message about me that they shouldn’t have heard. (I was worried about the scale, because I still had a PR business. I am still worried about the scale, because I want to do international business and this rumor makes people think I’m not able to do this.)

I’ve only been told that I’ve made “everyone” so worried that they couldn’t live their lives normally [and that while I’ve seen most of them in person again, after being found, SIX MONTHS LATER, as a visitor, when I had let myself be taken into an institution (like they wanted from the start) in the hope that they would allow me to prove that I AM NOT CRAZY. THEY DIDN’T. I wasn’t allowed to prove my case.] and that they searched for Benoît, but couldn’t find him [which is something I doubt, for some reason… Everyone has told me they don’t know anything about how exactly he was involved and what happend after I was found].

When I allowed myself to be taken into the institution, on the 8th of October, I also broke contact with my parents. I was taken into Het IJsselland Ziekenhuis on the 6th of October with extreme internal pains “around my birthing area”. When the hospital offered me to go home on the 8th, because I had to wait for test results, but was still in so much pain that I couldn’t walk properly, I told them I didn’t want to go home. At home, the conflict about Benoît never stopped. It was still verbal fights almost every night, after they came home from work. We were also fighting because I stayed in bed most of the time and they wanted me to get a side job. I told them: “Zolang je blijft volhouden dat ik psychotisch ben, vind ik dat ik niet hoef te werken.”

Benoît was my last client. It’s so fucked up that my parents always negatively interfere when I want to do business. (Now, again! I want to release Project Nosce Te Ipsum and they obligate me to go to school AND get a side-job. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!!!)

I’ve added some information to the September 18 post.

My full story on this, was “the back story”, taking up 80% of the first episode of the old Nosce Te Ipsum.

I’ve always pictured my “debut to the world” so differently… After hearing “The news about you went viral,” I thought that I’d never be able to accomplish my dreams again. This project is my last attempt to establish myself in a better way, to rid myself of the negative bias, I hope…

I’m looking for a good Pro Deo lawyer to defend my case to take away the “schizofreen verklaring” out of my files. [If I were able to afford a non-Pro Deo lawyer, I would. The only thing he or she needs to do is know my (quite long…) case and explain the “legal process timeline” to me. The verbal defending, I’ll do myself. He/she only needs to sit next to me.] To defend this, Benoît’s side of the story needs to be heard as well. The problem is that I’m not able to reach him anymore and I don’t know why. No one here wants to tell me more about how he was involved in my parents’ case, but my father accuses me of framing him in this set of text messages. I do not have shit like that in my nature. Why the fuck would I frame someone I want to spend the rest of my life together with??

I smile to these people and stay polite even when they hurt me, but deep down I’m dealing with so much cropped up anger for the way they treat me, I really need to continue my business activities from a different location… To this day, I’m treated as if my perception of life is “unreal”.

You can read all about my perspective in the soon to be released The Deleted Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum I