15:20 (03:20 PM)
I have survived the most nerve-wrecking moment of all time: telling my mother I’ve booked a hotel in Paris… If she says “no”, I need to go to Suriname. But Liée! She only said that it’s not “gezellig”. (A word that doesn’t really exist in English. “Cosy” should come close to an explanation, they say, but it’s more “together, laughing about things for simple-minded people”. When you have spent your entire day with someone, talking about the news and gossiping and laughing about other people’s misery, you go home and say: “Het was gezellig!”, which means: “It was “cosy”!”… I’m not looking for “gezellig”. I’m looking for “breathing space”.
I’ll be “chilling” in the 6th Arrondissement, from the 25th to the 27th. I was afraid that she was going to call the hotel to say “there’s a schizophrenic staying with you”.
17:00 (05:00 PM)
But not even that. She didn’t even ask what part of Paris I’m going to. Or what my plans are. Aight. Every time I have a slight bit of hope for a conversation without negativity, I get disappointed. When I said: “My room has a kitchen.” She said: “When you’re in Paris, don’t you want to eat in a restaurant?” I replied: “No, because I’m so sick and tired of eating food that is not home cooked.” Wtf, man. If I wanted to eat in a restaurant, I wouldn’t have booked a room with a kitchen. With “another friend” of mine I had a similar sort of situation. Look:
After I uploaded my ebook, I suddenly felt bad about not informing my environment of what’s coming. So I replied to the text I mentioned at the end of episode 1.
He said: “Hi Dominique, long time no see. How are you? Would you like to grab a bite (to eat?) together with me and Farog?” And then he signed off with his name. (It’s quite a “formal” looking message.)
I replied: “Yeah I’m good. How are you? This is the link to my ebook:…. In the evening I have a mathematics test, after that I’m free. When would you be available?” [Normally I never “include an “update” on my life”. But I see there was no reason to anyway. Because]
He replied: “Ah nice. Yeah I’m good too. Do you think it’s nice to eat something? At my place or somewhere in the street, Thursday night Farog and I are available.”
By “when would you be available” I was, of course, talking about the eating. But because of that dumb question I thought “fuck it”. I also thought that because he didn’t even reply to the risk I took by informing him about my book. He was one of the people who had very close contact with my mother “when things were bad”, last year. If he would have read the exerpt or anything, and inform anyone else, Paris could have been sabotaged (by him and everyone he involves). [Friend or enemy…?]
I replied: “Ah [miming his writing], if I would be completely honest with you, that halfhearted statement (“when would you be available” and not “yes cool let’s go today”) was more an act of solidarity. Otherwise I would have proposed it [“hanging out”] myself. I also have to cook tonight, “so this isn’t a good moment for me”.
He replied: “Hi, too bad, but no problem :). When is best for you? Jim”
I replied: “”No problem”? I try to politely tell you that I don’t want to “chill” anymore. Not another empty conversation. Is there something you want from me? Because then I do want to meet my “friendship obligations”, of course. That’s my only exception for “a hangout”.
All the best,
He didn’t reply anything. Fleh. If you ask someone when you are available to eat something somewhere, that would mean you’re accepting that person’s invitation. But if you give me room to give my opinion (which he didn’t expect), then that’s fine. I sent that text with trembling hands (the second one… The third one, too, actually). I expected an objurgation or a derogatory statement. Apparently he didn’t even understand what I was saying. Is my style of writing too complex? I try to keep it simple… I could make it more complex (natural), if everything you’ve read this far was easy to follow. I’ll make a poll about this. Some other things have priority, though. I’ve uploaded 42 articles, but I still need to check them for spelling errors (I’m not going to do a grammar check, because that will take too much time. I’ve written a lot of things on my phone. Spellcheck is disabled on my phone (so that I can type faster), so only that I’ll be checking). I also need to add featured images, tags and check if the right categories are checked.
But first, I’m going to eat. Then my parents will go to Amsterdam soon. Before that I’ll go jogging. Then smoke a fat joint (I “missed” 4/20…) when I’m home alone. (On my parents’ “balcony”, so no one can see me. This “The Netherlands against drugs” campaign is making people say crazy things…)
I’ve written a lot again. And I made a lot of pictures. I’ve cleaned the kitchen. Now I’m sitting in candle light.
I wonder if I should upload the picture I made of the pose I was sitting in…