I’m almost done with the fundraiser pages. I’m now finishing Fangs’s Volta. Only when I’m fully done with everything I need to take care of, I will go to sleep. That is the text of the last form, the sign up form and making a slider.
I fully destroy my heart and brain with the ways I’m trying to do things for the greater good, without ever taking a break. I hope this fundraiser will lead to me finally being able to make that change and live happily.
I’m actually crying silently right now, because the stress and palpitations I feel are the same as every time I release a book [five out of six books are now (re)published, but I haven’t re-updated my books page, because I fucking can’t stand it when I put a crazy amount of effort in trying to do something good for all of us, and no one finds it worthy of looking at [GRRRRRRRR]]. I don’t understand why I don’t have an intense burn-out yet. I hope this fundraiser won’t be ignored the way my books are. Do you have any idea how fucked up this feels? I can die at any fucking second and I keep pushing myself to my limits, because I want to make the world a better place for all of us. And then people judge all of my content by only looking at my alias and my home page. It has such a negative influence on my peace mentality.
If my fundraiser will be ignored as well, I’m so very certain that I’m fully fucking done with this world. Then things really are hopeless. Not only for me. Who else is going to make that change? No one. But I’m done with keeping myself alive with the hope for better days. I find these regular “working days” of mine fucked up enough already, and to then act all jolly and social on my sister’s house party for friends and family on Sunday and celebrate New Year’s after that? Do you understand why I cry?
People think that when you talk about suicide, you want their attention. I talk about it because I try to distance myself from those types of people for all eternity, but I don’t have enough money to leave this godforsaken place for good. And I’m NOT going to fucking waste my life time slaving to get a few miles away from them.
I want to make it at once, get on a fucking plane with only my most valuable belongings, take those who I truly love with me – and the way I go about that is not according to the basic overused standard of life that shouldn’t be used to fucking judge people [I do not believe in “family first” anymore. Since 2015. It shouldn’t be an indirect social obligation to spend time with family. Especially when you have something way fucking better to do.] – and write history.
Or just not experience 2019 at all. To succeed in that attempt it’s actually better to not share it here, but for my then only written legacy, it’s better to leave some proof that this place is fucking hopeless and people are all fucking insightless heartless fucking shells who are completely fucking right about wanting to forget about their existence. All of the shit I’ve gone through in my personal life, while I attempt to help make life better from a beyond-government level, and even when my personal life fully drags me down, I fucking keep going, while all of these fucking flehs keep watching fucking Netflix man ooooh my goooood. I’m not even certain about what’s better anymore. When I’m dead, I also don’t have to work 9 – 5. Ah grrrrrrr why have I made my emotions public for these judgmental fucks. Yeah sure, try to fucking use my words against me, as I try to improve your meaningless existence.
Whatever happens, you won’t see me apologize for the shit that happend without me wanting to cause it, and I won’t be begging for your appreciation either. You can choose to follow my lead or stay stuck in this meaningless routine forever. There’s no one on this planet who can do what I do.
I’m going to finish the fundraiser pages and stuff and go to sleep.
Good night, those who will stay by my side ♥
– xxx –
I’m now done with the pages, form and slider, for the heads up. I even tested payment gateway. Look:
Now I’m really going to sleep xxx
Sike haha… Hahah the not sleeping isn’t on purpose. It feels like my attempts to fall asleep are starting to turn into near-fainting. Something I don’t want to surrender to. I have been skipping meals, because I have an appetite for non-supermarket foods. Or at least something with nutritional value, I have not eaten three times in a row already.
I took this picture of the inside of the fridge yesterday, in between working on the fundraisers page [mobile users might not have noticed the renewed menu indeling yet]:
What should I eat now? I don’t want to eat anything from the fridge, truthfully. But my stomach is soo loud it drowns out the sound of the TV in the room next to me [I can’t wait for the sounds of silence in my own house, for which I’ll need to emigrate because of the ways houses here are built close to each other, with thin walls 🙂 ]. Hungry meow 🙁 .
Why I, by the way, didn’t have a slider, is because truthfully I don’t find anything I have something that should stand out on this website. I can do so much better. This whole website is like a crib sheet….
I’ve already eaten an apple before going to sleep… Today’s left overs are finished (I hoped my sister’s squad liked my bami 🙂 ). I want to eat varied and healthy… I wish someone would bring me food 🙁 . Instant noodles make me feel full for only 5 minutes. (They’re also unhealthy. But avoiding that will be tough…) So letting myself faint and losing control over how I have a hand in my heart rhythm is not an option, now that I’m trying this fundraiser [but my bitterness from earlier might have fucked that up already ah meow 🙁 ].
It’s cold, so I don’t want to leave my bed… Meoow what to eatt…
Wentelteefjes 😀 . And some fruit. I guess… But meow I’m too tired to cook, actually… 🙁
Yet still it’s the tastiest, healthiest (sort of) and fastest acceptable solution for my growling stomach…
I can barely keep my eyes open, though. Ah meow, I’ll try to get myself downstairs and see what I’m able to do. Stay tuned 🙂 xxx
Wentelteefjes it is… I’m making them now
In one of the pictures, it looks like I only stack the bread on top of each other to let the mixture soak in, but I’ve actually swapped the bread and flipped it, within the container. It’s important that every bread side gets soaked into the mixture well 🙂 .
I’m now eating it on my bed. I’m drinking a glass of soy milk with it. After this, I’m going to – of course pee, as I have to about every 30 minutes and – go back to attempting to fall asleep. I feel today will be a bed petty day. “Haha” I do still need that fresh air…
Ohh and I have decided to not do any social media marketing. I want to delete my accounts, including my Whatsapp account. But to succeed in that process of getting to a certain form of mental and social freedom you can only feel when you’ve tried it, I need to be out of proletaria. I’ve deleted all of my social media accounts before. A lot of people interpreted that as “Ooh noo you don’t want to be friends with me,” I have been told. Life is not social media. I was getting sick and tired of seeing the same social algorithm every time. But if my action was interpreted like that, without asking me why I deleted my accounts, then those people are still right about me not waiting to be friends with them, because who wants to be friends with someone who talks shit behind your back (and basically leaves you for dead)….
But it’s important that my action of deleting my accounts isn’t seen as “a psychosis” (like last time, ugh). I find my blog and business website enough online niss to maintain. I also want to finally leave this traumatizing life behind. I want to show today’s sheep that I can make it without viral marketing on social media. (Even though others already did it in my name. Fucking bastards…)
15:06 (03:06 PM)
Good afternoon 🙂
Two days of ¿¿¿ left.
To start a fundraiser from my bedroom, while my address is publicly visible and people do the craziest things for money these days, makes me feel a bit hopeless… I should have lived somewhere secluded already. Because now, I still don’t have the network of friends I want and need (these Graeynissis), so I wouldn’t be able to get started with the large scale, full and international version of Project Nosce Te Ipsum. I would just suddenly go from too broke to live happily on my own, to rich enough to change the world, while I’m still not with those who are powerful enough to make that change with me.
If I’d be able to raise enough funds, I would approach the 4 meow Graeynissis I mentioned on December 25th and attempt to make them an offer they can’t refuse. But the problem with my offer is that it includes that I want them to move to California with me… [It’s important that we’re in a safe location, while we makw our changes. If we don’t survive, then a lot of other people won’t survive either.] And they have families and stuff…
Another problem is that my parents do not fucking let me go. And I’m afraid a lot of people will threaten me, after I’ve paid off my debts and start to attempt to emigrate, all within a few hours of time, because they’ll want a share of my funds. If I die, my money goes to those who receive The Head Cuddle and Kayleigh. I hope they’ll proceed to put into practice my strategy.
What to do today? I need to wash my hair and my wig. I also really need to get outside, but just seeing this vervallen shit country gives me palpitations, and it’s cold, and the air smells like car fumes, so I tend to stay inside. There’s no one I feel like socializing with, here. I have nothing to discuss with them, and I don’t like purposeless conversations anymore. I want powerful friends 🙁 . My sister might believe in me after I have them.
I’ll add the other donation forms to the slider as well, and include donation goals. But it’s really a crazy amount of money I need… 🙁 I’m afraid the amount will scare people off. Or make them want to steal it from me. But this is my last chance. Ah meoow I feel like writing and releasing a book today. Because I really want it to be clear that I’m not raising money to fill my pockets. I’ll be writing Lil Fangs for President today. (My presidentness is based on the loopholes in the system I’ve found and will explain.)
But first… I need to figure out how to fill up my stomach this time. It’s growling again. I’m still in bed. Hmmm… 🙁
18:17 (06:17 PM)
You know things will be old fashionedly lit tomorrow, when you see this thing outside:
I’m not ready for thisss. Hours and hours of random laughter and conversations on the level of: “I bought a new microwave yesterday. Check it out. *shows picture on phone*” The old me would say: “That’s awesome! *digs for ways to continue the conversation* What’s the serial number? 😀 ” Now, all I can say to things like that is: “Cool” or “Nice” and attempt to smile, while, just like the old me, deep down, I think: God damn… How can one start a conversation about this? With me? I don’t give a fuck…
Every party that has been thrown in this household since day one, whether it’s for me, my sister or one of my parents, the people at the party are always 90% my parents’ friends.
I haven’t invited any of my “friends” to come over. My dear reader, you are so very welcome tomorrow. The party starts at 4, but it always starts to get busy around 7. There will be drinks and many (ordered) foods (dinner and snacks). I will cling to you all day long. We could then also pack my valuables from home and the luggage I still have laying at the family friends’ house in Amsterdam. And then be Cuddles and celebrate New Year’s together and not commit suicide . Meooow. I have to cook… Need these veggies…
20:18 (08:18 PM)
Kay has helped this tired meow by making the chicken for me.
Haha it would be so amazing for me if you, my top-level Graeyniss of whom they say that we’ll never be together, be my companion tomorrow [the more, the better. I want to feel like a pimp. With these sexy catjes ah meoww ] and have some funny drunk conversations with people, about microwaves and shit. It’s best to start things off airy, before we continue to change the world 🙂 .
20:52 (08:52 PM)
I’ll be eating xxx
23:27 (11:27 PM)
I’ve edited Lil Fangs for President a little.
Other than that, I’m too tired to edit this website (making pages etc) and make music. How about we do that tomorrow? 😀 I always invite you to things and you never come/take it seriously. I really hope things will be positively different at tomorrow’s party. I’m expecting you… Of course I won’t tell my parents that, before they suddenly call the psychiatrists on me again bwahahaha.
I soooo hope to see my B tomorrow. It would be the ultimate “In your face”, plus all of this heartache from missing him will finally be over, because I can then finally cuddle him. For the first time 😀 . (It was always shaking hands, by means of saying goodbye.)
I also hope to see this Vicje. Did you know that my two exes from “de basisschool” were both named Viktor? I can’t wait to introduce you to my grandmothers, haha 😀 . All of you, my dear Graeynissis ♥.
I’m tired of this cooking slavery. They always say black people always cook a lot and they always force you to eat and shit. I’m always cooking, man. Even my grandmothers don’t cook anymore. And my grandfather is not with us anymore 🙁 . He is by far the best hobbyist cook I’ve ever known.
Please come party with me and please come as early as possible. This is my house, too, sort of (not according to the dumb Surinamese proletarian house laws), so we have the right to casually party and casually leave, later. I’m claiming a side of your bed 😀 . Save this catje 🙁 .
I’m going to sleep. With palpitations out of desperation, because this is such a perfect moment and impulse for my escape. Please back me up in this (meow HAHAHA . Ahh sorryy you’re soo attractive meoww… But I’m a colloqual professional, so only hugs and kisses 😀 . Also this catje is sick, soo… Ah meoww what am I saying haha x_x.)
I love you ♥
Tot morgen, toch?
– xxx –