00:52 (12:52 AM)
Meoww my heart rate, the warmth, slight hunger and my thoughts, are keeping me awake. I’m going to eat a Berliner bun, we also bought at the supermarket before driving here.
I’m so curious about what today will bring. I know I’m severely ill and as soon as that is officially spoken out – and my mother hears it from a source she does find trustable – I’ll have to undergo multiple forms of treatment and restore. Truthfully, I want to do all of this in Germany. I don’t even want to go back to the Netherlands before my health is restored (or ever¿).
But undergoing treatment in Germany is costly and so is living here in between treatments and during the period of recovery. (Recovering in California would be great, too. I think I need about 20 years 😻. [“Just kidding”… (as in my body has already endured a lot and I want to start a new life 🙁 . Plus, my American English is a lottttt better than my German… But I love the (health) culture of Germany, so I do not at all mind being here 😀 )])
Undergoing treatment for this in the Netherlands is not an option, for so many reasons [doctors not having the intelligence and/or time to go the extra mile for the unique state my body is in [having to take into consideration that some pills aren’t going to solve anything], my Dutch medical records don’t even show that I’m ill the way I’m ill and the correction of that will cost so much time that it’s a waste of time [also fuck those motherfuckers who put those lies there in the first place… They shouldn’t get away with this…], the Dutch philosophy of empty beds and basing the amount of effort on if a life is worth it, will get me killed, because I’m unemployed with no degrees (mijn gymnasium diploma is niks waard 🙁 )]. Of course, when other people will realize that I’ve been speaking the truth all of this time, they might want me to undergo treatment close to home. Which is thus a stronger reason for me to stay in Germany and have some stress-free alone time.
I love the smell of “foresty” land in this cold season [not as much as I love it during Fall and Spring, though, but it’s still awesome]. I would love to live there and have the sounds of nature be the only sounds I hear. No sounds of television, no sounds of cars, trucks and public transport, no sounds of superficial conversations, and the list goes on… I wish I could live in an area like that, while my body becomes freed from its limitations. I’d actually love to live in a foresty area for the rest of my life, but I want my personal forest to end up at a pretty beach, with very clear and blue water. My mansion in the exact center of the piece of land.
Dreams, dreams, dreamsss… Without my Graeynissis, I won’t get there, because the people who usually get entire brands off the ground with their spending behavior, will never invest that in an individual who wants to earn from creative long-term damage control. Meoooww my Graeyniiiss, I hope you’ll visit this sick catje 🙁 . I have such Graeyniss health complaints 😋. Some experience related stories will definitely make me feel less nervous 🙂 .
But how to arrange that from tomorrow’s conversation onwards, I won’t leave Germany, keep doctor Cuddle close to me, get these Graeynissis and live somewhere secluded from the noise and stressful areas that come with my income class… I wish I could… I don’t know if I’ll succeed in making my heart happy 🙁 . The greatest aspect of that issue is the “am I worth it” meets betalingsbereidheid, because I heavily financially depend on my parents in this, now that I’ve spent all of my savings on that and being away from home after another family fight (and being kicked out). I hope some Graeyniss generosity will save me. In that way, you could also make a very cool career switch by going D.O.C.I.S., and then we’ll all be so happy and cuddle 😻. It will be the very best decision you have ever made!
I’m going to eat this Berliner bun, chill with my Head Cuddle – don’t tell anyone 😀 [I wonder if here in Germany, people will be open to believe in my experience of The Head Cuddle as something scientifically possible… In the Netherlands, all I’ve heard was “No,” and the reasons why were becoming so hurtful that at some point, I stopped trying to prove myself. (I actually didn’t even want to share it in the first place. If those psychiatry people didn’t force me to talk, I would have never mentioned it in that country to begin with.)] – and attempt to get myself to sleep again.
I love you♥♥
Meoww we’re running late 🙁 . I fell asleep around sunrise and woke up sooo tired, I really had to snooze my alarm for 10 minutes, and was still snoring within that short interval of time. That’s how tired I am 🙁 . We had to be there 3 minutes ago 😿. Now our ETA is 11:43 🙁 .
At least I have a sample of my morning urine with me… I hope that cup won’t leak in my bag x_x.
14:58 (02:58 PM)
The infection has somehow vanished. That’s good news, when it comes to the long-term physical existence of me. But now I have a lot less large ground to claim Cuddles and Graeyniss time 🙁 . I’m suicidal as fuck anyway, so I was quite emotionally indifferent between what the outcome was going to be. Was it the weed that made it vanish, then?
A lot of channels were blocked, was noticed during the osteopathy treatment. For some reason, I never feel physical relaxation. Also not after a massage or anything. As if my muscles only relax when you press them, and tighten up immediately after release. But I do notice a little difference now, and I’ve been told that the full effects will be noticeable within 72 hours. What I already notice is that The Head Cuddle feels less tense 🙂 . I hope I’ll be hearing clear B’s soon 😀 .
The non-medicinal way to treat tachycardia, is by living a happy life. I will never be (even slightly close to) happy going back to school or working 40 hours a week [because climbing up, both in the world of academics and within a corporation, takes so long…], to end up living in some social housing project. But that’s all my environment leads me to, and I don’t how to reach beyond my environment. I’ll also really have to start looking for a job, because I don’t want other people to pay for anything of me. I feel like I ruined my shot at the ANWB and truthfully, I don’t want to try it anywhere else. Oh meow 🙁 .
I’m going to write a new book and turn my business website into a real publisher’s website, as well as changing the text on the front page of this website, again… When I get “home”[, if I’m physically able to]. Meow I need my own home, to reach inner peace 🙁 . I can’t relax without having a break from indirect social pressure.
19:07 (07:07 PM)
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to work on my websites. I can barely keep my eyes open and still had to unpack et cetera.
It feels like it’s necessary – in terms of clarity for “my audience” [I have none…] – to edit my websites again. But I don’t like the process and I’ve done it ten times already, without the success I’m attempting to work towards, so I don’t know… I’ll still do it, though. My admission will be my motivation. I’m going to apply for the International Bachelor Econometrics and Operations Research (maybe combined with philosophy). If I really have to choose between school and work, on the level that suits the papers I have [they’re not worth anything], I’d rather go to school, excel and work for that same school and/or do research abroad. If I have to let go of my dreams of developing a self-owned multinational business… Of course I have a tiny bit of hope of succeeding in that through my time at the university, but then I’ll somehow have to overcome the extreme tachycardia level of social anxiety I’ve built up, which is something I didn’t have, the last time I was a student there.
I’ll start working on assembling the right documents and everything, tomorrow. Partially, I’m very excited about going back to Erasmus University. I love to learn, I love being challenged [I think econometrics is a more suitable challenge for me] and I absolutely love to be in an environment which brings a lot of opportunities (to survive in the future and to show/develop my talents). The mandatory classes [so not being free in how to spread the study load (it sounds a bit picky, but it made the crucial difference in why I did better at The Open University, than I did at Erasmus and in high school) and having less time for my own projects] and the becoming part of a large group of people I all don’t know, where I’ll feel a strong need to befriend everyone, but simultaneously, wanting to be invisible. Even though I want to be honest in my admission letter, I need to be sure that I don’t include [yet still showing you]: “I wish only lectures were mandatory, because I don’t like to make homework. I prefer to read, listen and use the knowledge in practice right away [for my own projects]. Tests are only fun when I’ve mastered the theories well enough to pass it with a proper grade (that is an 8 or higher [I won’t be at peace if it’s less])…” “I attend university to learn and (more to) obtain a title. Making friends freaks me out (the potential superficiality and how much that can stress me out), and I don’t feel the need to, so I don’t intend to…” “May I see my B? I’m very lost without him 🙁 ” “I wonder what happened at the university when I was missing… It shouldn’t have happened and the truth should be proclaimed. I’m still so not over it. It makes me want to hide.” “Suicide is my only other option, if you don’t allow me in. I really am smart enough to make it 🙁 .”
I’m not sure if I should include that I would rather just write a thesis right away, since I have a lot of revolutionary ideas for it, I’m a very fast learner, it’s far more fun and useful than making a test and it would be making much better use of my time.
Should I try to stand out for the person who I am [but that could mean that my depressing and slightly crazy philosophy on how today’s trends are dumb (unappealing) and dangerous when it comes to the long-term sustainability of our planet], or should I play the “I’ll blend in so perfectly, I’m a true team player, helping businesses make profit in the future is important, yay meeting new people, I guarantee you with 200% that I’ll finish the program”-card, which is all lies, but it’s what everyone says, and it seems to work every time….
I guess I’ll do a little bit of both. The most frustrating part of this, is that the upcoming first year [I want to be in my final year already… I just want the title 🙁 . And then my PhD…] starts in September 2019, so then I have a lotttttt of time to kill… A lotttttttt…
I’ve been looking at ANWB vacancies… There, too, the applying for something that includes “Are you a team player?”, makes me feel like I’m lying. I’ve been there. I’ve been that “team player” (just piling everything up myself instead of letting someone else fuck it up, because my written language is hard to understand). But truthfully, I prefer to lead. To set out the strategy and divide the tasks. (But where is something like that available for someone with only a gymnasium diploma and two Open University certificates…? (Hmu haha) X_X) Also, that drama e-mail I sent… X_x. I wonder what that meow will think, if our eyes were to ever meet again. I don’t want to know x_x. There’s this vacancy from the financial administration. But my working experience as clerical assistant, which did bring me all the knowledge I need to understand what needs to be done at the job I saw the vacancy for, might not be considered legitimate working experience… Also, that means that I’ll have to talk to those beasty clients again, and in that way, I’ll never be saved from this tachycardia. I guess I’ll do a winter sleep and hope I’m not dead by September…
“Just kidding”… I’ll find a way to earn. Also, I prefer to just start with my studies on Tuesday, if I send my application letter on Monday…. Yeah “but everyone wants that” “you can’t always get what you want” [I never do?] and “what makes you so special”… Oh meow 🙁 . I just want to write a thesis… I can be done by September, and it will be in not only econometrics, but that will be the “overlaying” field (so the main research question, and the subquestions will be in other fields, still including that subject, for some of them). If I’d include that in my admission letter, would it be declined, would it be “haha ja leuk dat je dat wil, maar je gaat gewoon met de rest meedraaien” [I love that it’s not an overload of students in that programme, though, so I wouldn’t die on the inside that much, but still there’s something else I prefer], would it be fully ignored or would I receive a seperate message about a special mission of becoming a Graeyniss? 🙊 I want to be a Graeyniss 🙊.
Where’s The Head Cuddle lab? May I see it? 😀 And may I become part of a Graeyniss society, too? You won’t regret allowing me in to your secret Graeyniss club 😀 . It won’t become part of my diary, if you don’t want it to 🙂 .
So tomorrow will be all about that admission… And making my websites look more representative (before I sumbit it)… And trying to make that make me become a researcher instead of a student 😀 . It would all be so much more fun, a lot more unique, a lot more of a true challenge and a very good step towards making good changes to the system, if the University is open to it and if I manage to make it clear what I’m working towards.
But how do I, if I apply via the regular submission route, manage to start next week [I will do the leadership part and will make sure that my Graeynissis won’t grow extra grey hairs because of the time and pressure that comes from my thesis. On the contrary, I want to give them more free time and make sure that those grey hairs come from sexy ageing 😀 ]…? Dreaming isn’t a crime…
The changes that have to be made to my business website are, hahaha… I need investors to be able to run the end form properly, but I want to become a publisher who publishes for not only me (more researchers 😻). Yaay we need each other. It would be so awesomeee if I could make some twice-my-age Graeyniss friends 😀 . You need a more accessible research publishing platform, which allows for a lot more freedom in the way you publish! I think I might succeed in succeeding in getting all of this off the ground, by applying 😀 . Will this help me slow down tachycardia…? (Haha should I mention that I have that and that allowing me in, in the alternative way I’ll propose, can save my heart? (Which has the figurative size of a basketball…))
I’m going to write for my business website and admission letter, right away! (Starting on pen and paper…) The excitement I got from writing this, makes me feel wide awake (and hungry)!
Tomorrow, you’ll hear my definitive approach on this 🙂 . [This would be great, because in that way, I’m still in “the same league” as other people of my age (instead of way below that, starting from scratch, while they’re almost done (and that while I’m still on a different path)), I could socialize the way I crave to socialize (on a muuuuuuuch higher level, talking about our research ideas and findings 😀 ) and then I’d finally have a suitably challenging occupation 😻. (Then generating an income to get by and live independently, would be my (only) side-challenge…………… Noo asking for money would go far too far x_x. (Even though I reallyyyyy need it…))]
Good night, my Sweetniss ♥
I love you ♥
– xxx –