I’m just here to tell you that I love you and am going to sleep now. (This is something I feel I always have to do before going to bed.) Oh and all pages of the D.O.C.I.S. International website, except the one about becoming a partner and/or publicist, are done now! (And I have my old student account semi-back…)
I love you
– xxx –
14:20 (02:20 PM)
That article was postponed, because web maintenance, doing Studielink things and editing my letter cost more time than expected.
Here’s a picture of yesterday’s dinner I luckily received some assistance (otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get that far with my businrss website):
No one understands why I stay the fuck away from people, as much as I can. And they try to “help me” “get out there” and go to public places. I wish to just not fucking hear that anymore, because I’m too polite to say that I fucking hate that, because that is all they (can) do themselves. I have a goal in life, I’m trying to accomplish, and I wish to not be distracted in that process. And no I do not have to talk to random people who live empty routines, to succeed in that.
I also don’t consider myself human “and I don’t make mistakes”. I strive for perfection and do not understand why people keep fucking using that phrase.
Excuse this rage that comes from not just having a place where I can live without having to interact with other people. It’s not that I never want to do that again [but may I choose with whom…]. It’s just fucking frustrating that I can never take a break and just have some space to breathe and fucking focus. I hope anyone at the university will understand this and maybe help me, before I kill myself 🙁 .
So I’ll now shower and wash my hair. Then I’ll finish that “become a part of D.O.C.I.S. International” (I’ll change it to “become a publicist”) page. Then I can finally finish my motivation letter 🙂 . I hope my B just anticipates on this as fast as he can, because this whole thing with the unwanted tension at home and being allowed to stay here is nice, but it’s far too unnatural and I want to live a fucking normal life. And have fucking normal money.
I will not last waiting for six weeks and then hearing that I’ll somehow just have to exist until September, to still be stuck around a majority of people who have no goal in life the way I do. Meoow the amount of cropped up anger and frustration…. I just want to hear someone relate to this and show some appreciation for what I do.
Everyone who works and studies full time, who sometimes ask me questions about what I do, to then fucking bash it and act all superior and shit, because I’m not earning and they think I’m dumb because I don’t have a degree, say shit like: “You are tired? No, I am tired. You are at home all day.” And then I want to say: “Yeah but you don’t use your fucking brain with that routine of yours.” But I choose to be silent, because outing that part of my philosophy can change our “relationship” forever and I have no place to resort to when I can just fully distance myself of all of this bullshit.
There are visitors, so working at the only table downstairs, basically isn’t an option. That’s the true cause of my current frustration. I might work on it in bed – where I am right now – but that will fuck up mt spinal column even more.
These people say “encouraging” words, but from their choice of words and complete attitude, it is clear that they truthfully do not want to see me thrive. [So why not just shut the fuck up?] I don’t dare to say: “The university will see my work and I will be the fuck out of here and you wil all never see me again, all within a fucking week. (Or maybe even the same day.)” Because it might not be so and those people will enjoy that far too much. But it’s my “far-fetched” [but look at this… No one can do this the way I do this…] only hope.
Ah meoow I’m going to untie my very unwashed twists, shower and enter chaos of noise, to do bad things to my cholesterol. And of course: no days off 🙂 xxxx