02:32 (AM) 

Dinner was nice. I ate around 22:30 and later had a veryyy long conversation. It was nice. It led me to the conclusion of continuing to be sick here, instead of in “my father’s home”. Because there are still a lot of unprocessed things, and they will keep us living past each other – when it comes to my “father”, I don’t know if I would mind, truthfully – the way it has been happening for the past year. Including the tumult being added to my life for no reason. I would never call a psychiatrist… 

I’m still very tired and this headache makes me prefer to sleep – but at the same time, I like talking. The “It’s alive!!!” joke made me think for a second that I’m better off in my own bed, but our long conversation made me change my mind. It also made me forget about the awful headache I have – besides the moments I accidentally stared into a lamp. 

By the way, before I changed my policy of speaking my mind, I was on a path of busting my father for the illegal shit he’s doing. I still wouldn’t care at all if he were to get caught. It might even be a relief. Since we have nothing to talk about. 

In this life, a parent should support you in the life’s path you have the right to develop yourself. If you want to play a dictator and with animal-like screaming and other forms of aggression, to push through “the parent’s dream of a child’s future”, you can fuck off… In the end, that’s all I care about anyway. A lot of people say that he loves me and shit, and I allow these people to say it [as in I don’t use the 1001 arguments I have as to why not (money > kids = #1)], but I have seen very different things. 

But how the meow can I future, then? πŸ™ Okay, at first I need my heart rate fixed, et cetera… But I kind of very much want to rule the world… The more I lay in bed, the less I get the impression that I ever will… Meoow πŸ™ . Do we do living happily ever after…? I have so many questions about that viral missing campaign, but those who I want to ask questions, I can’t reach… That’s soooo fucking unfair, it makes me want to fang whoever caused that… 

I’m off to go back to bed

I would like a harness for my WirbelsaΓΌle, by the way. And a antiknarsgebit… Et cetera… 

Meow haha

Good night

I love you [an expression that always gives me palpitations lol. But I do…]

xxx

PS. I hadn’t washed my hair in weeks and untying those twists took some pressure off my head. But I need to prevent it from tangling, so I made these little buns… They’re a bit too tight, for my headache, so I’ll make them more loose… 

Meow… Forcing myself to not pull up my shoulders, because of stupid pains. I’ll be sleeping with that exact same sweater… And sport socks… 

11:07 (AM) 

Good morning meow β™₯

I still feel sick πŸ™ . I need forehead kisses πŸ™ . Then I’ll feel better! 😻

That medizinische Eingriff for my tachycardia should take place soon, as well as maybe operations for those ongeremde celdeling cyste-ish infection (since antibiotics don’t work. But I don’t know if it’s possible. Also, maybe my pancreas is torn?

Meoow I’m quite scared of being put onder narcose, though πŸ™ . Veryyy scared, actually. (Yet still I’m pro operating instead of taking pills/chemo/things like that. It’s more natural.) I need Graeyniss Cuddle support πŸ™ . Then I’ll feel a lot less tense πŸ™‚ . 

I’m still in bed, but I’m hungry… Meow, I don’t want to get up πŸ™ . But my stomach hurts from the hunger, so I’ll have to go downstairs xxx [Need to buy yoghurt and cruesli or ask someone to buy it, for tomorrow or some, since I need to eat varied healthy. But today, it’s tosti time πŸ™‚ .]

~~~

18:55 (06:55 PM) 

Meow πŸ™ 

I collapsed earlier today. As I took the tea bag out of my tea and the tosti iron was hot, I noticed my sight started to get blurry. I knew it was because of the hunger, so with my last strength, I quickly put the ham and cheese on top of the slice of white bread, and put the other slice of bread on top of it, while telling myself: I’ll be fine. I’ll make it to the couch and regain my strength there.  I closed the tosti iron and thought: But I need more vitamins, actually. And after it, I will get hungry again… I thought I would never have this anymore. My body became heavier.  I tried to walk out of the kitchen, to the couch, but around the door opening, it became very hard to breathe. I felt that I was about to faint and softly threw myself to the ground, before gravity would. (One of the things I’ve learnt from fainting so often, as a kid.) 

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed. I kept telling myself. “What’s up? Try to get up.” “I need food,” I was able to say. Speaking costs a lot of energy. I crawled onto the couch. She gave me cookies. I was only able to eat in a laying down position. 

I’m so low on energy, still. It has been years since I’ve had a moment like this. I worry about it happening again πŸ™ . I need to see doctor Cuddle and my Graeynissis πŸ™ . 

When I got myself onto the couch, I first didn’t even have enough strength to change my position. Later I was able to. Even later, I was able to walk to the toilet. After dinner – Jamiro made pasta with Salmon 😻 – I was semi-able to go upstairs to get my phone. Other than that, all I’ve been able to do is lie down. I think the whole situation with my current life, finances and health situation just made my head spin, along with tachycardia. I want my heart rate to slow down a bit πŸ™ . (Could we succeed in doing that, by switching to a more calm environment and stuff? If avoiding a medische ingreep is possible, I would like to…) 

Meow I need serious medical assistance, but this country will get me killed πŸ™ . My Dutch medical records portray me as the spawn of Satan, and so “health care professionals” treat me as such [as you know, I speak from experience]. In het IJsselland ziekenhuis, for example, October 2016, this motherfucker (I wish I had a license to kill, when I think of him) named Mustafa, who works for Bavo Europoort [which is next to het IJsselland ziekenhuis (the department I ended up at (the closed vicinity))], came for a consult, because I didn’t want to go home [back to unnecessary fights] and I was still in pain. (But het IJsselland ziekenhuis is very small, so their policy is very much oriented on getting beds empty quickly. What my grandfather had, didn’t have to kill him.) The pain made me scream. This kanker idioot told me to act normal, because he was trying to talk to me. And that I should go home to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I replied: “So you spoke to my parents? [I did not tell him it was my mother’s birthday.] I can barely walk.” 

He told the nurses that they should give me lorazepam instead of painkillers (that’s why I want that license) and that I’m not allowed to go to the “psychiatric hospital” myself, but that I should be tied onto a brancard (like a mummy) “because he heard that I’m the type of person who runs away”. [I wonder how many people survive psychiatric hospitals… Those medicines and their treatment is deadly. The mental states they consider so severe, are actually nothing. Those “doctors”, who think that they are “above the mind” should be the patients.] In the way he explained what a psychiatric hospital was, it sounded like it would also be with beds, like in a normal hospital, but then for people who are so crazy that they can’t be in a normal hospital. (The idea freaked me out, but I found it still better than being trapped at home.) 

Stupid flashbacks πŸ™ . I’m so tired, still πŸ™ . But I haven’t showered in two days.  I feel nastyyy…. I should be careful, though. The density of the air could cause me to faint again. But I don’t want to feel like a nasty cat anymore… I’m Sheba 😋. 

Wish me luck xxxx [I’m “home” alone now…]

~~~

20:59 (08:59 PM) 

I made it πŸ™‚ . I’m even more tired now, though. And I’m hungry again πŸ™ . I’m such a petje 😽. I’m going to attempt to cook spinach and add it to the pasta. I know it will go so very well with it πŸ˜€ . After eating that, I’ll be going to bed. But not before telling you good night and maybe write some other things to you, als ik inspiratie heb haha.

~~~

21:24 (09:24 PM) 

This will get me through the night, without me getting hungry, I hope… 

Meow πŸ™‚

I don’t know what to talk about… I feel very powerless in this situation, with the weakness of my body and everything… In between uploading that picture and typing this, I had a short moment of feeling light headed again. Luckily no blurry sight (yet?  πŸ™ ). Meow πŸ™ . 

I often say write, instead of type. That’s because in real life, I adapt my language. It depends on who I’m around. This is a “deeper” form of self-expression. 

Maybe a Cishe would restabilize my heart rate… I really think it would. A Graeyniss companion is what I miss. 

Wat betreft some other writings of mine: often use passive voice to not expose people. Since what is on here, is “engraved into the internet”.

I’m already full πŸ™ . But then I’ll get hungry so soon… Ah meow x_x.

I can barely keep my eyes open. I’m going to put this into the fridge and go to bed.

Good night

I love you

xxx

21:30 (09:30 PM) 

Aah meow πŸ™ . I totally forgot that I have to twist my hair… From sleeping on this, it will get irreversibly tangled:

Meow πŸ™ . I feel like wearing a jacket and scarf inside, by the way. This country is far too cold. And artificial heat is not the same… That can’t be healthy…

~~~