10:50

Morniing ♥

What are your plans for the weekend? 

Mine are ???????? 

I woke up to a lot of texts from my mother. Now my worries are tying my stomach in knots. 

Maybe I do need to go back to the Netherlands. To save my Dutch Graeys… There must be people who do feel the same way about the masses as me. Who also find that family shouldn’t be an obligation and who also don’t believe in that shallow oneliners are good for you. 

My decision making would be a lot easier if my B would describe his situation through The Head Cuddle. The “By showing me a sign of life in the physical realm, you save me. Why not do it?”-situation. It feels wrong to ask him this, though… Because he’s an important meow and I’m just a jobless bed cat, in the world of “x_x” that needs to change. I don’t know if, for his situation and our unification, it’s better for me to be abroad or in the Netherlands. 

But I guess I should look for like-minded Graeynissis. What would be so Graet to turn this tea party concept [I thought I would have been able to throw it by now…] into “an investment party” for my readers. By investing, you also buy in your power in The Council. 

Flehs find it hard to understand why my mother’s words always hurt me. I’ll show you what I’m facing now. I don’t know what to respond yet. 

“Morning D., how was your night?”

“One day left until your reservation for this hotel ends.” 

I know that. But to have that as the first words I see after shutting off my alarm [snoozed it a 1000 times], is palpitationny. 

“I could extend it for a couple of days, but what are you practically going to do after this?”

I was thinking of jumping out of my goddamn window. 

“We would love to support you, but it’s tough.”

All I need is 2% of their capital, and they’ll never be bothered by me again. Sucks that it’s too much to ask. 

“You have big ideas and plans and you want your freedom. The complicated part is that the money for your plans and freedom comes from other people.”

She states it as if I don’t want to do fucking anything. I depend on older people, because older people can earn more, just because they’re older. It is normal, when you need an investment, that you depend on other people. In the end, the benefits of the organization are for the people. But I want to exclude these fucking flehs that make me feel shitty, while I was doing this for their future as well.

“The period before this, you lived at home and you were studying, you also had a goal, ideas and plans, you were working on.” [She doesn’t understand that what I’m working towards – changing the system – has been my goal since day 1. The only thing that often changes is my strategy for it.] “I think this period was quite calm and it went well. Until you wanted to continue your studies and money became an issue. I haven’t interfered with this enough, otherwise it wouldn’t have stopped.” 

I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Animal. If there’s one thing that frustrates me, it’s interference. What makes it even worse is that she thinks that I need it. As if, when you want to make a dog sit, you say: “I need to jump twice. Afterwards, she does it.” I do not need her guidance. Please. Make it stop. I want to die. 

“What do you want now? Besides a ticket and an apartment.”

“Finding investors requires a lot of time and effort, also a lot of self-exposure and “receiving a lot of mental punches” I think. But how are you going to live the coming days?”

“Incasseren” is a boxing term. She doesn’t expect me to succeed. That’s why I suddenly thought: “Maybe I do need to go back to the Netherlands…” I’ll go past every single fucking investment organization/individual in the whole fucking country, until I succeed. And then try to plan all of those appointments within two weeks, so that I won’t have to sleep in that cage for too long. Then take my investment Graeys with me, to the sunny US, and expand our partnerships there. I also want a partnership with Germany. And basically every other country on the globe. 

“With us, you always have a home. We love you a lot. We are a family, we have quarrels, but you are and will always stay a part of us.”

FUCK. OFF? Fam, quarrels are for bitches. It’s not an integrated part of family life. When it comes to conflicts, it’s, “Three strikes, you’re out,” for everyone, to me. No exceptions made for relatives. I feel like I’m the problem child, while I just want them to keep some fucking healthy distance. They want me to come home so bad, while I’ve only been away for two weeks. How am I ever going to move to California?

I don’t like how cold I’ve become, but these snakes really have hurt me far too often. 

I want to throw some punches, but going to the wellness center/gym has been cancelled. I’ll be bed petting today, contemplating about what the right decision is. 

“Saving my Dutch Graeys” is saving them from flooding when the dikes break, by safely transferring them to the corporate island. Be safe with me, my Graeynissis ♥.

12:29

I don’t like how cold and hard my words are, but if I soften up, I’ll be taken advantage of even more. 

“Yes great. And you?” 

I actually slept pretty bad, but if I tell her, she might use that to spark another fucking therapy session. 

“I’m going to look for investors and otherwise seek a job where you are sent abroad.” 

The plan B was an impulse. I’m not going to do the job abroad thing. I’ll succeed in finding investors, for sure. 

“It is normal, when you want to start a big business, to need investors. But I’ll find someone who believes in my plans”

The but is to indicate the contrast between my “friends and family”, who don’t believe in me, and those who I haven’t met yet, who do believe in me. 

“Again. Since I had already found that person and I then was, due to interference, not allowed to see him anymore.”

A reference to when they forbade me to spend time with Benoît. How am I going to find someone like him. I actually don’t even want a substitute…. Oh, and when I say “a hug”, I’m just asking for less than I actually want, as usual. A form of wanting to be polite. I actually want him by my side for all eternity.  

“It is always a calm period. I consider this situation calm as well. I don’t need your interference. Because I suddenly had to pay my tuition myself, I missed the moment to sign up. The next deadline to sign up is somewhere in January. I haven’t definitely quit yet, thus. Please don’t continue to interfere with my plans.”

“Okay. I won’t interfere.”

“What do you need now?”

“I want a proper challenge. Now I know to what extent you’re there for me – you just want me to come home and have more therapy sessions, totally ignoring the reason why I’m still alive – I’m not going to say much about it. (Of course you can now say: “But I really want what’s best for you et cetera” now that I said this. But I see something completely different.) 

I see them doing the opposite of supporting and helping me. I’m not going to say how fast I want to get out of there again. They might make it harder for me to succeed. They’re already basically making it financially impossible. 

“Shall I extend your stay?”

“You could help me by extending my stay for two days”

“And then rent a car for me”

“because I have too much luggage”

“To travel by train”

“And then one or two pitstops while driving”

“The rental only to travel back”

“To where?”

“Home…”

“Okay”

“Yess what else can I do?”

They’ve [I say they because my mother always speaks on behalf of her and “my father” [who doesn’t look like me at all, by the way. Physically and mentally, we’re completely different people. Since I was little, I hoped to hear that this was all just a nightmare in real life and he is not my father. Ah prrrr, if B were my father… Meowww don’t get me started ahahaaa. I wish I had a Graeyniss as my father…]] given me the same financial construction again, that leaves me no other option than to go home. But it’s cool. Then I can pack better next time. 

I have the keys to my grandmother’s house. Why the fuck would I ever ask my house key back? I don’t want to fucking live there…

“Could you extend my stay until Tuesday?”

“And then (fix) a hotel for Wednesday and for Thursday”

“Then I’ll be home on Friday”

“Something like that?”

“Please don’t think this is a holiday for me or anything.”

Last time, when I ran away to the US, she said: “Now you’ve had some time to rest,” and shit. Then was more stressful, but this is still fucked up as well. 

“I don’t mean rent a car to go with the train”

“I have too much luggage to go home by train from here. A big suitcase, three large bags and a backpack”

“I took the FlixBus to Wiesbaden, the night from October 25 to October 26”

“And when I started to get bored with being there and I had visited the doctor, I took my rental car to Berlin”

“On my birthday”

“A little way of celebrating my birthday as well”

“A hotel on the route”

“I’ll pick them myself”

“If you give me a budget”

My way of texting shows how much I fucking hate to have this conversation. On LilFangs.com, I elaborate on things much more. (Maybe still not enough, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do things other than writing, in a day.)

“Yes that is possible”

Ahahaha omg the next text made my heart explode. 

“I don’t think that. On the one hand it’s nice that you’ve been able to celebrate your birthday a little, but the uncertainty about having a place et cetera sounds awful to me”

I read that as: “I know how you’ve felt, when I let you go crazy, like a fish on dry land, and I just let it happen.” Also, the “I don’t think that,” is similar to what I was trying to prevent, when I, earlier, said “But please now don’t say that you want what’s best for me.” 

Driving for 6 hours is not a fucking celebration. It’s a way of not having to face people and have something to do on the day on which I didn’t see any loved ones, because I don’t fucking have any. 

“Isn’t it better to travel by plane?”

“Yes exactly. And that while my only “support” has money to blow and this is all so unnecessary. But it’s still better than being trapped in the province of Zuid-Holland.”

“No I have too much luggage”

“And the German highways will be good to me”

“If I were to have a broad car”

Small cars become shaky too fast. I’m referring to my “need for speed”-ish style of driving. 

“Not that cookie jar in which I drove here”

“My father” often calls small cars cookie jars, because the small body of the car is so vulnerable in an accident. 

“(A [Renault] Clio)”

“This was before I went grocery shopping for the apartment. The bags are now twice as big.”

She might now think that I mean that for some magical reason, the bags doubled in size. Because she thinks I’m stupid. I mean that, since I have more things now, I have bought bags that are bigger. 

“Okay”

Droogz iz other reason I no travel avec plane. 

“I would like to do some basic tourist shit, before I start my descent.”

“So that’s why Tuesday.”

I want to see the Reichstag/Bundestag. Haha it would be cool to see (this Cuddle¿) Angela Merkel and say: “Please hire me bby, I can do so much for you…” HAHA. Because it’s truee :D. For the future of Europe and stuff. And the coming immigrants crisis… I think I can be of great service! 

Ohhh. I don’t like movies – when they’re made for the masses. This here seems interesting, though:

This is playing tonightt

But wellness hass been un-cancelled and I don’t know what to expect from this, so… 

Ah meoww, I wanted to book a Bundestag visit focused on history, but it’s booked full until next week :(. The lectures are also booked full x_x. Bad luck strikes againnnn. 

For my questions, I actually need a private tour, but who to ask these things. [My B… My bby… Other Cuddles¿ Meoww I wish I could reach you in a way in which you could respond back.]

If you sign up on the Docis Int. website, we could talk via the social network on there… I’m using a content management system, though…

16:08

God damn I thought the conversation with my mother couldn’t get worse. Initially – the days before this – I told myself to persist with facilitating California. With the money she’ll now use to get me back to the Netherlands, she could also make me happy and either get me an apartment here or in the US. 

“How are we practically going to do this with the payment of your room?”

“I made the reservation with my credit card, but you don’t have that, of course. Shall I transfer money to you?”

Shout out to the parents who give their children their bank cards. I wish I had at least one of that… 

“Isn’t it more practical to descend tomorrow?”

“Never mind. I booked it until Tuesday.”

“Yes, it is more practical, but it doesn’t make me happy.”

“Thanks” 

I hate that I said thank you. It’s not something I want. My alternative is fucking suicide. Or moving in with this Cuddle… But I want to keep my “independence”.

Ooh my god the things that are said now are so much and so shitty that I just need a break. I appreciate that I can share it with you ♥