00:15

My Cuddle ♥

How’s your night?

You should know that I haven’t earned anything yet from my sole proprietorship. I hope that giving out my works for free will induce people to earn a title through graduating from the [hopefully to be obtained after the release…] Fangyist School, and, if investors are found, [The first Person I asked to be my investor was mister *my last name*. My father. Right. He declined my proposal. This was around. He also refused to pay for me doing web maintenance for him.)> Since then, April 2017, I’ve been scared to ask for investments… Me releasing D.O.C.I.S. is me trying again] live on a compound on real estate owned by The D.O.C.I.S. Community, on the journey of finding sustainable options for the development of our environment. The free ebook D.O.C.I.S. proposes some solutions I hope somone is interested in investing in.]> (<- that is something I added after revising the text I wrote for spelling errors and missing brackets after having uploaded the article already) 

Do you see the stoplight in the distance? That’s how close I live to the dike/road.

The statistics image I showed you came with the web names I bought [docis.international and lilfangs.com] at the web host. 

If your phone is on and your location tracker as well, the apps you allow to track your location communicate via the internet to inform you about the service they deliver to you. I don’t have fancy tracking software. I can only see a top 5 of countries in the current month that are trending at that time. I write down the location in my article. 

I hope you want to become part of The D.O.C.I.S. Community. It’s the type of community I miss in my current life, since there are so many problems in our world that need more immediate solutions. They can’t keep on going like this. I have ideas I would like to put into practice, but that is only when you elect me as Praesens [long story…] of Re-Illu. 

Every time I write for a deadline [the book The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum includes two previous deadlines and a bonus chapter] the the climax of my writing speed is around three days before the actual deadline. Now I’m starting a little bit earlier…?

Moet ik mijn tanden bleken? Ik heb dat nog nooit eerder gedaan, believe me. 

Mini fangs¿

It has been soo long since I’ve seen my eyes change.

And since I’ve used this camera angle. “Who do I look like…”

With this data package at my webhost, I can’t upload videos from my phone. 

My lack of success is the reason why I find it hard to smile for a picture. 

Meow1

Meow2

I’m ashamed of this facial expression. Yet still I share it. I intend to do things differently from the mainstream. 

Okayy back to writing. Somehow often I’m in the mood to write, slightly tired, but not willing to go to sleep and eager to get myself to more comfortable working space. Hiding tears 24/7 yay

After I’ve made myself my night time tea (I need to get more regular with following my doctor’s advice against insomnia)…

 The D.O.C.I.S. article will be edited live. As I upload this, it is 02:52 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. [I wonder what time that is in your timezone, my international Cuddles ♥. You could follow the editing of the article live.] After I’ve made the tea and selected something to eat, haha. That will about 10 minutes starting from 03:07 (AM) “Amsterdam time”. I’ll make a comment section where you could comment on it below. I hope you will! 

If you would check my phone’s system time, I swear you would see that this picture is taken on 03:16 and this clock is still on Summer time and I’m way too lazy to change it. 

#no-ad

P

03:56 

So now anyone can comment, if I configured it well… It’s a major risk move, when it comes to the protection of self-history blended into shared (environmental, often current) history and the risk of people hacking my website… But it’s the only way for me to get to know my audience, since I – other than what came with my web names – have no fancy tracking software, unlike the Dutch government, haha. 

05:57

I’m making my bed

Je kan de springveren er doorheen zien zitten [klinkt als een spreekwoord hahahahahahahahahahahahah]

Feel free to influence what I’m talking about, through the comment section. I’m curious about what you’ll have to say. 

I think my anonymous audience is much larger than I can see. I feel like other people know secrets that everyone in my environments hides from me. 

You are, of course, free to say whatever. I hope this will be a loving and fruitful comment section. If you don’t like what I write, but yet still you read everything, and you want to write some hateful shit, go ahead, too, of course. I intend to respond to every single comment and I might be able to, depending on how many people will be placing comments. You don’t have to share your personal information (name and email) , because I care more about what you have to say, than I care about marketing.  

I’m too driven to make my deadline to follow my doctor’s advice about resting, currently. Typing that reminds me that I need to make an appointment for the urine test to find out why there are white blood cells in my urine and for osteopathy. I intend to see the doctor after the deadline, because it takes so much time and I can’t relax when I have a deadline… The deadline is not that serious if I have no audience. This – the placing of the comment section – is a moment of truth. It’s good that it’s included now, because now you know my backgound. I hope what the turn out will be. (On the 30th… I hope I can get some pre-hype…) 

By the way, did you know that I’m super crazy? 

Here are some other pictures I made today and yesterday, but I hadn’t uploaded them yet. 

Sometimes I make jokes to the Head Cuddle and then laugh about it myself

And then I start missing someone…

Dealing with the CuddleFace (it’s a type of facial expression…)

Back to thinking: “What type of facial expression suits my writing where I’ll upload this…?”

Meow

Almost my natural facial expression with reference to my current emotions

Trying to crack a smile part 629

Meow6

My second meal of the day

Meowww

Yay. My steak was sooooooooo goooooood meoooww

It’s 07:20 am now. I’m off to bed… Good morning ♥ hahaha. See you later 😀

15:06

Good afternoon ♥

What are your thoughts on me placing a comment section below a diary post? 

It’s quite controversial, since I sometimes discuss things that concern us all – mostly related to our global environment – and sometimes I get lost the negative feelings I get from suppression in my local environment. 

[Ref to “our global environment”] What are your views on environmental change? I don’t read any scientific news. My views are intuitive and the common knowledge I remember from when I was in school. If I were to follow scientific news, I can only truly trust it, when I hear it from the scientist him or herself. 

If you like gazing at the TV screen 24/7, chances are high that you and I live in completely different worlds. Interesting, isn’t it? 
[Ref to “sometimes…suppression”] From that one picture with that one angle

[I must say that I like the picture]

It has been so long since I’ve made slight eye contact on a picture [in real life, too, but that still depends on how much I like the person I’m with at that time. If I disagree with that person’s views too much and because of that person’s persistence, the only way for me to make this person see what I mean is by screaming, but I think screaming at each other isn’t good and that person will probably never understand, I just avoid eye contact and try to calm myself down internally 

I’m now quite certain that the people I’ve called my parents all my life are not my parents. I wonder if my real papa reads this. AND I WONDER WHY THE FUCK I’M STILL TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE. PLEASE STOP WITH JUST WATCHING ME TYPE!!! TYPING AS MUCH AS I DO ISN’T EVEN HEALTHY. I want to live with papa!! But they’ve separated me from him with police and all that shit… I need someone with more power to be able to be with my real father, who I believe is my other half. He’s also one of the few people who’ll understand the full content of my book series.  

My last name – Elia – says that I’m already living with papa, since it is mister Elia’s house where I have my bedroom in. If my last name, Elia, is the right name for me, I would be of Surinamese Creole, Boeroe (offspring of Dutch slave owners in Suriname), Surinamese Native [from my mother’s side], Jamaican and Bahamian [from mister Elia’s side] descent. 

I think my eyes tell a different story. I think being Surinamese Creole, Boeroe, Surinamese Native [my mother] and an Italian mix [*the origin of professor Crutzen…* I don’t know his exact origin (YET, RIGHT?)] makes more sense. 

Our paths crossed by coincidence, when I was in his lectures in the second block of IBEB in 2016. Then, I didn’t know that he was my father. I don’t carry his last name, so believe me. 

Do you know more about this? Who was involved in the decision making process, when I was given my birth name (Dominique Daniëlle Elia)? 

Mind you that I’ve recovered from severe memory loss several times. My habit of writing is something I do to make sure that I never forget myself again. Restoring my memory I do by reading back. Before I started to write online this year, I’ve been writing old school, with pen and paper, all my life. 

Me saying that I suddenly think that someone I’ve been having a crush on could be my actual father and then directly saying his name here [I’ll do it again (since he’s all over my diary in previous posts and people might not memorize what they read): Benoît Crutzen], sparks so many different emotions:

  • I feel anger mixed with hysteria from the thought of mister and misses Elia casually keeping me from him, with the deal they made with the police and some parties in the Dutch psychiatric industry. They had been telling me that Benoît isn’t real and that he doesn’t give a fuck about me. Every day I begged to see him and they kept giving me antipsychotics because of that. 
  • I feel that I might feel relief and happiness in the future, if I’d be reunited with my B ♥. Some positively powerful external parties will need to regard attention to this, though, to make sure we get out of this complicated scheme alive – I’m saying without being assassinated – since we naturally know far too much about a corrupt scheme, to be reaching out to the public. They know we’ll end up exposing them, because they can’t go on sabotaging our world like this. 
  • I feel sad about the moments my emotions wanted me to feel a loving fatherly embrace [basically always…], and he wasn’t there. 
  • I feel anger from them LETTING ME LIVE A LIE and embarrassed about me believing the lie and telling people that I’m Bahamian and Jamaican….

This makes me think: am I supposed to receive child support? May I be paid in Cuddles?♥ If mister and misses Elia are receiving it without telling me: my income is so low that I can’t pay for my own food and shelter. Ik zou echt zo onbeschrijfelijk boos worden als ze dat met me hebben gedaan… That’s why I live in this house instead of on my own. 

I pray that the success in terms of engagement from the free ebook will lead investors to me, and that the success that comes from that will allow me to constitute D.O.C.I.S. Island/Planet Fang as an independent state, on which I can live with people who want the same type of freedom, who are willing to work for that the way I did. 

If it’s true that biologically, I should have been named Dominique Daniëlle Crutzen, I INSIST THAT THIS BECOMES OFFICIALLY AND LEGALLY CHANGED RIIIIGHT NOW [but typing this will not change my captivation so please help haha]. I AM A BUSINESS OWNER. MY BIRTH NAME SHOULD BE CORRECT. That name sounds sexier, too. If we’re changing my name, I want it to even become Dominique Daniëlle Lucy Crutzen. Consider Lucy the controversial tattoo that will make dumb people think I’m Satan’s spawn, while I mean a modernized version of the Latin words “lux ferre”, which means “light bringer”.

I’m still in bed and I haven’t eaten anything yet. I need to cook dinner tonight. What to make? I wish people would respect my deadline and not give me childish tasks “I need to learn for when I grow up”. If I were to live on my own – I might not have the money for it, but I do know how to run a household – I wouldn’t have to cook for four people but just one or something. And it’s “four Surinamese people” so trippy portions. 

By “Feel free to influence what I’m talking about,” I meant that I would love it if you’d ask me questions, I could then elaborately answer in the diary post. It could be about anything, sensitive topics included too, of course, since they need attention, too. 

17:54

En dit was de druppel die mij in een ander systeem wil laten leven:

The government has given me an estimated amount of income tax of €5000 and two fines for being late with a total of €215. DIE €5000 IS ZO ABSURD. JE KAN TOCH MIJN BANKREKENINGRN ZIEN? DAN WEET JE TOCH DAT IK DIT NIET HEB. JE WIL €5000 VAN ME? LAAT ME JE FUCKING BEREKENING ZIEN DAN? IK HEB GEEN KANKER CENT VERDIEND. IK HEB NU GEWOON TOT 11 DECEMBER OM IN HOGER BEROEP TE GAAN. AMERIKA, WIL JE ME ALSJEBLIEEEEFT HELPEN? IK BEN NIET EENS EEN FUCKING NEDERLANDER. THANK GOD FOR THAT, BY THE WAY. 

DAT GELD VOOR HET TE LAAT INDIENEN GEEF IK JE, MAAR DIE €5000… HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND? 

Currently, I’m my own accountant, but for this, especially because of the anonymous “viral” popularity of my website, they’ll want to put dirt on me and come out as the party the public loves, so they might ambush me one day to check my books and then want to frame me for shit. My parents might be able to give you so much money, but if I WOULD HAVE €5000 TO SPEND I WOULD BE IN MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN CALIFORNIA RIGHT NOW. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS.

My facial expression knowing that I’m innocent AND THIS COUNTRY MIGHT MEAN THE DEATH OF ME SO PLEASE TAKE ACTION. THEY PROFIT OFF OF FAKE NEWS!!!! THEY’RE GOING TO FRAME ME… I’VE EXPOSED THEM TOO MUCH… 

The thing is also that with D.O.C.I.S. International, when this company might get its first investors after the release of the second episodes, I want to become the biggest player in the game. So then, a fine of €5000 also doesn’t even suit the income model of the organization, since we’ll be making  billions then and thus our taxes would be a looot more as well. But by then I want to have moved to the U.S. BECAUSE THE FUCKING INSANE GOVERNMENT OF THIS COUNTRY THAT IS DESTROYING THE EARTH WITH ITS EXISTENCE – I’M TALKING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS – IS MILKING ITS CITIZENS FOR TAX MONEY AND THEY GIVE NOTHING BUT DISASTER, DISEASE AND DESTRUCTION IN RETURN. GOD DAMMIT I NEED A PUNCHING BAAAAAAG. 

The last time the government gave me a fine – when I started this blog – I just said yes when my mother offered to pay it, because I didn’t have the money, because I DIDN’T EARN SHIT BACK THEN AS WELL and I wasn’t in the mood for the drama that comes with going in appeal. BUT THIS FINE IS OUTRAGEOUS. IF I WOULD HAVE MORE THAN €5000, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A DUTCH CITIZEN BY NOW. I WOULD BE HAPPILY BLENDING INTO THE US CULTURE AND MAKING BIG CHANGES. I WANT TO MEET THE PRESIDENT. THE HISTORY OF THE US HAS BROUGHT MUCH MORE POSITIVITY IN THIS WORLD THAN THE HISTORY OF THE NETHERLANDS. THE HISTORY OF THE NETHERLANDS IS ABOUT PIRACY, SLAVE TRADE AND OTHER SCHEMES THEY DESTROY OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES WITH BECAUSE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE THE GREATEST MATERIALISTS THIS PLANET HAS EVER KNOWN. 

In the mean time, I’ll be showering and going grocery shopping for dinner. There’s €606.69 on my debit account AND I NEED THAT FOR SEEING MY DOCTOR IN FUCKING GERMANY SO KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT TINY BIT OF MONEY I HAVE. There’s -€6.13 on my corporate account SO GO TO HELL. SIX EUROS AND THIRTEEN CENTS. ARE YOU GOING TO JAIL ME, THEN, SINCE I CAN’T PAY YOUR FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS FINE. YOU BETTER BACK UP YOUR CALCULATIONS, BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME MORE THAN NOW. 

I AM NOT DOING BUSINESS FOR PROFIT. I AM TRYING TO MAKE A CHANGE. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? YOU’LL GET YOUR €215 AND MY STUDENT DEBT AND AFTER THAT YOU WIL NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER SEE OR HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. FUCK THIS PLACE. 

IN MY SYSTEM, WE LIVE IN PEACE. THE MONEY WE OWN IS SHARED AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER GIVE ANYONE A FINE BECAUSE THAT MONEY IS NOT REAL MONEY YOU’VE GOT ANYTHING FOR IN RETURN. THE ONLY THING YOU GET FOR WHAT YOU PAY, THEN, IS AN ENORMOUS FUCKING HEADACHE. 

WHEN WE SHARE ONE WALLET, WE’RE TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. BUT DISGUSTING MONEY HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE THIS ARE NOOOOOOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH IT, BECAUSE THEY’LL NOT DO ANYTHING GOOD WITH IT. PROJECT NOSCE TE IPSUM IS A FILTER. I’M GLAD I NEVER ASKED THIS IMPERSONATION OF PUKE FOR AN INVESTMENT. 

THIS COUNTRY – THE NETHERLANDS – IS SUCH A BIG FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. 

“LAAT ME JE BEREKENING ZIEN DAN?” IS: “SHOW ME YOUR CALCULATIONS, THEN?” THEY CAN MONITOR MY BANK ACCOUNTS – ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WANT ME TO STAY OUT OF THE UNITED STATES – BUT STILL YOOOOOUUUU ARE THE ONE COMITTING FRAUD BY OVERCHARGING ME AND THEN GIVING ME A FUCKING PAYMENT DATE. BEGIN JE FUCKING ZWEMBANDJES MAAR AAN TE DOEN WANT DIT IS GESTOOOOOOOOORD.  

GEWOON VAN DE EEN OP DE ANDERE DAG HOOR JE INEENS: “OH, JAA IK KRIJG NOG MEER DAN €5000 VAN JE.” JE HELPT DIT LAND ALLEEN MAAR NAAR DE TYFUS DUS IK WIL SOWIESO NIET DAT JE MIJN GELD KRIJGT. 

ALS MIJN VADER EEN BELG IS, MAG IK DAN OOK DE BELGISCHE NATIONALITEIT? IK WIL UIT DIT VIEZE SYSTEEM. 

19:23

*Sarcastic yay* fucking grocery shopping for fucking dinner. Solo, as usual. 

If they want to give me an ankle bracelet: I’d rather get the death penalty or go to jail, just so you know. Fuck this house. But I hope together with my lawyer my innocence will be proved. The thing with the public is that I think my material is far too complex for them and thus opinions will be formed based on what other people say about it instead of what you hear from me. In this society, news is always about people doing things bad, and thus even my intentions are good, the FUCKING SHEEEEEEEEEEEP will play the “Oh my goddd eww did you know Lil Fangs blah blah this and that…”-game. While I’M TRYING TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO WORK TOGETHER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  

Je denkt toch niet dat ik voor mijn plezier bij de ANWB werkte? 

Ohh by the way, these motherfuckers will get €65 and not €215 BECAUSE THAT €5000+ IS SUCH BULLSHIT OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW DARE YOUUUUUU. FIND A REAL WAY TO EARN BIIIIIIIITCH. 

20:11

BikeFangs

This country is so obsessed with discussing vague shit like this. Those conversations don’t fucking lead to anything. Take actionnnnnnnnn

The only reason why I go to the supermarket, is because I want that the food I make has nutrutional value and the way my mother does grocery shopping is different. Even though it might not be visible, I care a lot about sustainability. I, for example, used a smaller bowl for my marinade, so that there are less dishes and thus the dish washer doesn’t have to be on as often. 

My marinade is of thyme, paprika powder and hoisin sauce

I GIVE MY RECIPE DRAFTS AWAY FOR FREE. IF YOU KNEW THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH I’VE DECIDED TO GIVE INSTEAD OF TO TAKE, AND YET ALL PEOPLE DO IS THROW SHADE FROM A DISTANCE. Not all people, of course, but the fact that it happens is such a thorn in my eye. 

AAAAAAARGH. 

Every. Time. I think my bad luck has reached its climax, and then it becomes worse. I hope my book release will bring me to safety. 

To make my deadline, I’ll have to cut down on writing in my diary… But it’s so addictive ah meoww…

20:58

Simple dinner is served. 

I wish I could try fruits and vegetables I’ve never tried before, though

I mashed the potatoes with red coal, cinnamon and spinach. 

21:06 

Mid-eating

I’m enthusiastic about getting high after dinner and working further on my book release. 

23:02

The coffeeshop that sells weed to the customer pays tax to the government, in the Dutch “Gedoogdbeleid”. 

Once a day keeps the doctor away?