00:56 (12:56 AM)
I don’t want to go to sleep and leave you with a cliffhanger. It’s past bedtime and I’m tired, though, so I’ll tell you about the scope of “Level 4” [reference to the October 17 post] and how it relates to “the situation”.
First I’ll take my make-up off, brush my teeth and undress myself, to enter cuddle-mode, in my bed.
Directly and indirectly, things related to “Level 4” and “the situation” have been mentioned ve-ry often. Even though I’ve done this, it’s still a sensitive topic. It would be so uplifting to find those who believe in my vision, but my perspective includes the existence of certain (cognitive) abilities. This far, people have drawn the conclusion of me being a schizophrenic, without giving me the chance to prove myself. I do not agree with their conclusion. The only way I can prove myself, is by conducting an experiment, for which I need a very special subject from “Level 4”.
A thought is, to me, what your inner voice says. What I mean by thoughts is all forms of sound that are made by your brain, as if you have a secret radio frequency to yourself, no one else can hear. On this frequency, you can, for example, let your inner voice reasoning something out. You could also imagine a piano melody.
Some people talk to themselves out loud and name that “thinking”. I consider a thought a thought, when “no one else” can hear it. It’s an inside process. If you say your thoughts out loud, with your mouth, I would call that “sharing thoughts” and not “thinking”. [“What to share?” is something I rapidly repeat to myself in my thoughts, when I’m in a conversation where thoughts are shared. If the person isn’t open to my perspective, I don’t have many thoughts to share. I wonder if those who say that talking is thinking, are able to internally reason… Haha okay, this is a very elaborate introduction for something way past bedtime, but I just need to give you this example:
A while back, I was grocery shopping in the Lidl. While I was searching for something, a middle-aged grey haired lady, standing next to me, said something. I asked her if she said something to me. She said:
“Oh, no. When you get older, you just start to reason things out. I named the things I came to buy.”
“Oh, okay. Is that a method to stay sharp?”
“No. It just happens naturally, those thoughts coming up.”]
My frequency of thoughts (and prayers) is the largest part of my personality. In the spiritual realm – where my “private frequency” is – I can do much more than in the physical realm.
In my mind, I’m always so occupied with things that are so different from what the masses find interesting. “Level 4” feels the same way.
The level includes more than one person. There is, however, one extra unique spot reserved for one person.
I felt so alone in my thoughts and personality, that I often cried after school, another fight over nothing and/or hanging out. This feeling of loneliness changed for the better, the first time I saw a professor in real life.
I thought, while looking at him: “Wow. You must be of a different breed. I wonder what your thoughts are like. It’s like everyone is trying to think less. With your profession, you’re doing the exact opposite. I love it! I want to befriend him…”
This was during the “student for a day programme”, in 2015. I was in my second to last year of high school (for the second time).
What I used to do with my thoughts often is something I call “counter-narrating”: when someone is talking, I feed the conversation with thoughts, in my thoughts. I counter-narrate, while my body listenes.
During the lecture, I was counter-narrating, too. Usually, when I do that, my thoughts aren’t that much in sync with the conversation. Let’s say: I think “potato!” And the person says: “Television!” We’re in sync when we both say the same thing.
At the lecture, everything was perfectly timed. Even the short side-stories in his lecture, had the same topics as my counter-narrating. At some point, I thought: “It’s like you can hear my frequency…”
That time, was also my first time ever, reasoning in English. I usually always reasoned in only Dutch. I adapted my inner language to the language he was speaking in.
After introducing English thoughts, I, from the next day onward, also started to sometimes practice my French and German in my thoughts. (That’s why I can hold simple conversations in German.)
[I’m telling you how I discovered “Level 4”, which is a very long introduction of a huge permanent change of topics in my diary, but I’ll continue this tomorrow. Good night!♥]
My whole life is built around Level 4. It’s what I’m mentally occupied with the most. The explanation of this level and how it influences my beliefs and goals, is something I have been keeping to myself – even here – because I’m afraid to lose readers, when I bring the controversial topic to the foreground.
I need to stop altering my behavior for the sake of being (at least slightly) appreciated. I’m very aware of my thoughts, beliefs, endeavors and interests not being like those of the masses. Especially after reading passages in Letters from a Stoic [I haven’t finished it yet], I fear being different less.
My belief in “Level 4” has brought me quite some trouble, but at the same time, it’s the reason why I’m still alive. So, from now on, I’ll be showing you the “craziest” [or “most unique, and therefore sensitive”] side of myself.
Excuse this intermezzo, my reader. I, simultaneously, use this diary to keep an overview of things, and what currently is kind of a blur to me, is my transition from Lil Fangs to Daniëlle Lucy – and if I should even do it – and how to change D.O.C.I.S. International into (another…) hybrid version, because “soon” has passed. What I was planning to do, was to “assist every client myself”. There’s a maximum of clients I can help, before my task has to be automated. It’s best to automate that task from the start. That’s something costly, though… My initial intention was to earn that with what I earn from the other clients. But an investment from the start is better for my business and my health.
Should I turn this into something on Kickstarter…?
Woaaah whaaatttt… I just looked at the projects on Kickstarter… I didn’t know that people are willing to invest in the publishing of a book…
There’s not really a category for the final form of D.O.C.I.S. International. It includes buying land and establishing compounds and several different businesses on it… The people who live there, are personal publishing brands…
Today, I at least want to change this website a little and include ads on them. I don’t know if I should make the investment aspect something public…? I think it’s better to… Yessss!!!!! I’ll host the fundraiser myself! Instead of hosting it on Kickstarter!
Ohhh meoow I suddenly have so much inspiration!!!
This still relates to Level 4, because I intend to get my business to that level that will make people see me as someone from the status of the other people in Level 4. Even though “we already know each other”, our lives are such fixed routines, that we can’t throw them around to be united. I am the one who needs to create the opportunity for that. Through my business, we don’t have to disrupt our life’s routines [but we could, for sure! I’m definitely interested in doing that. I know it’s safe to do it. It’s a big step, which is why I don’t state it as a “have to”] to be able to truly be ourselves and be loving and ambitious people who make even bigger changes.
Maybe I should put “Volta” on Kickstarter…? Ah, I don’t know… I’m afraid I won’t make the deadline…
Sorry for putting the explanation of Level 4 on hold, but the D.O.C.I.S. International website being down is eating at me… I have finally found a way to work towards the final state of the organization, still avoid the dependency on an investment fund and smoothly transition from Lil Fangs into Daniëlle Lucy.
I think I will – by the way – keep both aliases!!! Daniëlle “is” the form of myself I consider the right example. Lil Fangs “is” where I divert from that. Here, things are a bit more “grey”. I show you my path.
Lil Fangs, shows you my lessons. Daniëlle Lucy, shows you my results.
It’s 14:36 now. I’ll be eating and showering…
16:55 (04:55 PM)
This will take a few days. I intend to be done (a couple of days) before my birthday.
The layout overviews, I’ll finish today for sure. Only for the texts, I need more than a day.
In the “surprise episode”, I’ll tell you everything about Level 4. It’s not really a surprise anymore, now that I mentioned it to you. In it, I also state how I’m going to stop the Nosce Te Ipsum series and transition part of the idea behind it (minus the engagement, the certificates, et cetera) to (the) Volta (series). It’s written as a conversation with two different sides of myself.
I’m going to take a short break [something I should do more often. From going past my limit, I get this crazy headache…]. [That rhymes, haha!]
While I wrote that, ideas kept popping up and I’ve now finished one overview. It was that of the free episode, which won’t have “Nosce Te Ipsum” in the title anymore. While I wrote the previous sentence, I came up with the idea for a final chapter about it.
Here’s a short overview of a short book I will write in a short period of time.
Okayy, I’ll be taking that break now. It’s now 17:35. I’ll continue at 18:35. “A new purpose for old ideas” will be replaced by something else…
20:35 (08:35 PM)
Meoww, I don’t know if forcing myself to write so much in such a short period of time is healthy, but it’s such a great opportunity to get D.O.C.I.S. International to its final state and live the life I want to live, at the same time!!
Plus, with the Daniëlle Lucy x Lil Fangs fundraiser, I can finally go on a real holiday, make some new proffessional pictures and move out the way I want to move out at once… I don’t assume to succeed, because this is a lot to ask, but I love trying it! I hope you’ll still support me, regardless of the size of my request…
21:11 (09:11 PM)
I’m done with the layout overviews. I can’t wait to be doneee with everything!!! I would sooo loveeee to see D.O.C.I.S. International grow towards its final physical state. I’m raising funds to raise funds to enter the (public and private) stock market. And to buy corporate land to establish 3 businesses on. One for publishing (in many different ways), one for research and one for export and charity. The D.O.C.I.S. International website will explain this in detail and explain why this will be successful!
Meoww, I really need this holiday…
If someone were to ask me what I truly want for my birthday: it’s my own house in California and a kiss from Benoît… But the way it currently seems, I will be hiding underneath my bed sheets all day, hoping for the day to end, wanting to delete all of my social media – but not doing it, because for some reason I think it’s mean towards “the friend” – and then ending up eating at some restaurant – I’ve never gone to a restaurant for my birthday before – with a small amount of relatives.
I think the existence of my birthday is painful, because it’s a day on which people make “celebrating you” statements. For me, after “the situation” and the traumatizing birthday I had last year, there is really nothing to say. I think saying things like: “Happy birthday! I’m so glad to be your friend and I’m very proud of the things you’ve accomplished this far” et cetera, can’t be said anymore, by the people who used to say things like this. It was nice, back then – aside from the crying after coming home and feeling lonely as fuck even when surrounded by a lot of them [“nice”… I’m just being polite… Speaking my mind could end up in an unnecessary fight, I would rather avoid] – but I’m very sure it’s over now. And I consider that something good. The only thing I need to do is seal it, by making a fresh start somewhere else.
I think it’s pointless being friends, if he/she doesn’t even have a path and I’m over-occupied with mine. I used to be interested in gossip, but now it just gives me palpitations from the uselessness of the words that are spoken in the context of it.
I can’t be friends with people who don’t give a fuck about what I do… If I would have a friend who keeps an online diary, I would read it. I would show so much interest in his/her work. If I were to text him/her, it would probably be about something his/her mind is occupied with, such as his/her diary [as a man, would you say “blog” instead of “diary”? I think “diary” sounds good!].
If I were to see him/her write about thoughts of suicide, I would at least say that I can relate to what he/she says, ask if talking about it with me would make him/her feel better and ask if he/she wants to cuddle and cat. I can’t give this, “But life is great!!” pep talk [a few people have done that to me. I do not at all recommend it. It made me want to die even more], because I don’t agree with it. What I would love to do with him/her, is, together, work on ways to improve ourselves and to improve life itself. [Here comes Volta!!!]
No cheap ads on Facebook etc. for my fundraiser(s)…? Or should I do it…?
If there’s no engagement without marketing it, I’ll do it.
Noo waitt, it’s better to market the free book. If, again, there’s no engagement without marketing. [Please engage, my Cuddle!♥ I don’t like the simplicity and flashiness of advertisements… But you’ll see them here soon.]
“Random fun fact” [it’s not fun], I need to have filed my company’s tax report by October 31st. I would love for it not to be “quite a few small business expenses, €0 revenue,” but that’s the way it is, unfortunately. It’s for the second to last quarter of 2018. Ah, meow 😔. I hope it will be different, for October – December…
Should I start with the texts, or play some games on my Nintendo Switch?
23:27 (11:27 PM)
I’ve been writing a piece of D.O.C.I.S.. I feel that this will be a work I’ll be a lot more proud of. It’s also written with a lot more serious sentiment in my tone. Still, it has some playful elements, because, the content is written in a slightly imaginative setting. It’s a very long conversation between Daniëlle Lucy and Lil Fangs. That’s the playful and imaginative part. I’m telling you this in advance, because I’m hoping to get you excited for reading it[, my Graeyniss¡].
I don’t think it’s right to play games right before going to bed, because of the flashing lights. It’s actually not even right to write before going to sleep, when it’s on my blog, since that includes a screen.
So, I’ll be trying out Headspace. That’s a meditation app I downloaded a while back. I used to not use an app to meditate – and a part of me says that I’m intelligent enough to not use an app for meditation – but I think it will bring some improvement.
Meoww, I will not mention Level 4 in D.O.C.I.S., by the way. I’ll extensively write about it in Volta and I’ll summarize what it is tomorrow. It’s the first thing on my list for tomorrow!
I want to write it down, because I want to spend the rest of my life with them. When we openly unite, here, it will be stated that that is a truly good thing that is supposed to happen.
Good night, in advance ♥