08:29

Good morning ♥ 

Last night, I had a change of heart, when it comes to how to go about this. I’m hesitant with sharing it. I fear my safety and the status of my finances. [This surfaced in the extreme nightmare I had before I woke up. I can still feel the pressure and fear from it, flow through my body.] 

Yesterday, my bad luck was missing the bus. Today, it’s misinterpreting the message “we now process payments right away” for processing them on the weekends as well. I now have my new ESTA and a very temporary apartment reservation, but no plane ticket, because the large percentage of what was on my debit account, hasn’t been transferred to my prepaid credit card yet. Meow :'[. 

I went for this impulse, after I saw a sweet donation from my aunt on my debit account, and I thought of where I truly want to be right now. I will probably have to cancel my reservation, unfortunately. The ticket prices are increasing drastically, while I’m not able to claim mine yet… I hope I’ll still be able to make it there, before November 1st. 

It would be amazingly satisfying to prove the snakes who state that I’m insane, wrong again, by surviving in the US. I find comfort in the idea of – even though I might be very lonely – celebrating my birthday in the state where I would like to reside, before moving to the independent island state I dream of, when I’ve worked myself up that far. [That is, when I don’t become homeless and let me be taken over by suicidal thoughts.]

I wish I had supportive parents. Then moving and developing my business would have been far easier. It hurts to be so alone. But it’s still better than hearing them talk about how bad my approach on life is every single day. The thought of ever seeing them again – especially after this and their threat of making the therapy even more strict – freaks me out. 

I wish I could cuddle my B :[.

12:19

The stress about what the right next move is, the fear of being recognized and brought home, keep me glued to my hotel bed. I wouldn’t know what to do here, as a reason to get up and go outside… I’m also dealing with the same breakfast/lunch issue I deal with at home… I had half a pretzel x_x. I’ll eat something after 3 pm… 

14:49

I “already” had some granola bars. They’re the tastiest ones I’ve ever eaten! 

I’m not in the mood for eating somewhere by myself again. And pretending like everything is going amazing.

When I was in the U.S., and someone would ask me on what occasion I’m there, I said that it’s to make pictures for my blog. That very slight truth, I stated to not verbally reminisce about painful things that are still eating at me. 

On the flooding the Netherlands thing “from yesterday”: it’s better to cause it, than to wait for nature to do it. This because they’re influencing nature itself to keep it from happening, so if it were to [finally] happen by nature itself, you’ll be able to do a lot less damage control. The country being below sea level is another reason for me not wanting to be there. It freaks me out, the idea of my fate being in the hands of the way the water flows on a moment only some people can see coming in advance. It’s better to just get it over with. Then you’re also more free to live the life you truly want to live. And most jobs can be automated right after. 

On the “to be where I truly want to be right now”: I would rather be cuddling Benoît right now [😻]😻, but I have no idea where he resides and why it’s suddenly so hard to reach him :[. That’s why I’m after being near the sun, right now. Without him there, I’ll be lonely there as well. Anything better than being in my bed at home. Even the bed I’m in right now is more comfortable, and the room has more space. 

To report someone missing – accordjng to Dutch standards – you have to wait for 24 hours, before they start to i n i t i a t e the search mission. [Remember that “the less people” is in their advantage.] I hope they don’t use my mother’s set of text messages as a time indicator. My father said: “If you don’t tell me where you’re going, I won’t let you leave the house.” Restrictions like that cause me to lie. I hate to lie. I told him I’ll tell him when I’m there, because I don’t want any authorities stopping me. 

Strange thing with my preferences is that I currently prefer passing out over “searching for proper nutrition”. It’s hard to imagine my life’s path from the situation I’m in right now. I feel so un-cuddle that I won’t be able to write D.O.C.I.S. or plan the fundraiser. I do plan on filing my company’s tax report soon. 

19:10

I think I actually will write D.O.C.I.S. and plan the fundraiser. The thing is that I worry about not having any engagement again. There’s only one way to see whether people will engage or not. After I finish my dinner and my after dinner walk (because I need some exercise/movement), I will start planning and writing. I have an overdose on energy right now, from all the laying down. 

How do I file my taxes when I, as a registered sole proprietor, earn abroad?

Right now, I’m at a restaurant. I just ordered a mash-up of two main dishes, because I’m just that hungry. I had to convince the waiter of this first. She found that it was too much, while I hadn’t explained myself yet. I didn’t want the side dishes double… x_x

Salad mid-eating

I hope that the situation with my residence and family won’t influence [or solely positively influence] the engagement in the fundraiser. My feelings, I don’t want to surface in D.O.C.I.S.. Or maybe only a little bit, since it does slightly influence the business decisions I make. 

Haha it feels so far from regular to have “finally” shown how I truly feel about the existence of the artificial country below sea level. And how I feel about some aspects of their nationalism. I have tried to talk about this with people, there, but I guess the nationalism that is spoon fed since kindergarten, is just that deeprooted. I was definitely younger than 12, when I heard that the country is the only one below the sea level, and that “we all” need to watch our emission because of it, since otherwise the water from melting gletsjers will flood the place. Since then, I had been dealing with nightmares and stuff. 

Haha suddenly I feel like doing so many things! I want to write and throw around the D.O.C.I.S. International website and explore the neighborhood and play Nintendo… Of course, I brought my Nintendo Switch, my camera, my laptop, my hard drives, most of my notebooks and Letters from a Stoic. This feels like “my Stoic moment”, where I lose everything and only live with my valuables. Again…

Aiightt

It is that it’s cold now, and I don’t like cold rewarmed food, otherwise I would have finished it. 

After a cup of tea, I will explore the business region I’m at right now. I wish I were in an area where I’m inhaling less car fumes. But since I’m in Germany [“by the way”], it’s still healthier than the air I’m used to. 

21:03 

I’m not drinking it with mayonnaise ahahahaha #justsayingbecausesomepeoplestillthinkIamdumb

Is melkzuur goed voor de spijsvertering? Dat is wat mn onderbuikgevoel zegt. Vandaar deze keuze

There’s this Dutch piece I wrote in the October 22 post. Something like that will be the introduction of D.O.C.I.S. [what I describe is the start of the Nosce Te Ipsum movie I had/have in mind]. I wrote it in Dutch, because I didn’t want to give away the real form right away, and writing in my native language is more intuitive, to me. 

Oh, by the way, I think that, by now, I have broken the world record for most text written within a short period of time? 😂😋 & #x1F602;& #x1F60B;