00:13 (12:13 AM) 

I have decided to just go back to being “social as fuck”. I do have missed some people I used to spend a lot of time with. There’s still a book I have a lot of inspiration for, though… I have the feeling that if I say “yes” to one hangout, I need to say “yes” to all of them. But then I won’t have any “free time”… So I’m seeking a balance. My weekend is “planned full” with hangouts. I want to keep monday free for writing and Tuesday I’ll be driving to Düsseldorf… 

I need to change my book descriptions so badd meoww. I don’t know how sometimes my self-expressions become so dark… The feelings I have are never so definitive. I do know that the expression is heartache related. I get this inner rage, from the inner pain I feel, when I think of all of my unspoken words and unnecessary heartache, caused by unnecessary words… And me then not telling that person that he/she is giving me a stroke… 

Meoww enough about things in relationships I’ll never bring up within that relationship. 

Now that I’ve spent my US ticket savings on Tuesday’s hospital visit, I’m thinking of going to Milan for a week. [Haha I need a change of scenes soooo badddd.] I’m waiting with booking, until I know what the results from the medical examination are. Just in case I need to stay longer or something… 

Oh, by the way, my business cards have been delivered yesterday :]

They’re printed on linen paper :]

Part of me wants to stay “Fangs”, by the way… Maybe no “Lil”…? I respond to the name “Fangs”, haha… 😀

Plus, I would like to purchase “ice” fangs, one day… 

Haha real fangs would be even cooler :D. 

My fangs do look like little big fangs… 

Meoww I want someone to playfully bite my neck… 

Can I say things like that online? Yes, right? Even for way older people to read? [I find it hot when someone twice my age finds me attractive…]

For some reason I’m soooo hyped about going to Düsseldorf… I hope it will bring me closure… I’m planning on going to the city center afterwards and just look around and stuff… Maybe make some nice pictures.

Should I spend the night there…? Or should I just drive 6 hours in one day? I’m going alone, because – I haven’t said this to them – I don’t want a repetition of last time, where one of my parents interferes when I explain what I experience. With these psychiatrists, for example, I said: “I’m fine. I was just doing some self reflection the other day, that’s why I was so silent.” [Because if I were to bring up that I was actualy shunning my parents, they’ll want to play “fight mediator” and I fucking hate thattttt.] And then they say: “No, she’s actually not fine. She was doing this and that and blah blah.” 

I want to get the help I want to get. No one should interfere in that. Especially not when I’m paying €1130 for it… 

Much love to Leiden, Syosset and Den Haag, by the way, for being my top three regions with the most hits in the month of October :] <3. I hope you don’t feel creeped out by me being able to see this. Your IP address reveals your location to the parties who monitor it – unless you actively block it. I can’t see who you exactly are, or even what your age is or anything. I can only see the totals, no individual information. This is a feature that comes with any webhost. Personally, I haven’t installed any cookies or whatever, but I’ve still put the banner there, because I know other parties have its analytics software on any website. So “just to legally be safe”, I put it there… 

Also Cuddles for China, Germany and Bulgaria, for being in my top five of countries with the most hits on my website this month! <3 [The Netherlands and the United States are the numbers one and two :).]

[When it comes to countries, I can only see the current month. I discovered this statistics feature today.]

And many kisses for everyone else who reads this blog! 

All of you are what keeps me going <33.

02:06 (AM) 

I just read a tiny bit of Letters from a Stoic [I love it! I’m too tired to continue to read…] and went downstairs to get a granola bar [because my stomach is already empty and calling for food¿ I ate so much at the restaurant…] and to put some mint and new lemons in my infuser bottle.

Now I’m here to tell you good night

So good night :] <3

I love you

So much 😀

xxx

04:07 (AM) 

Ha-haaaaa……. Did you know that if you Google “Benoît Crutzen” and you keep scrolling down the images, you find…

Oops…? Hehe, “Why was I Googling him in the middle of the night?” 

Because I was searching for more recent images and I can’t sleep and he’s always on my mind and I need cuddlessss… [The last one was not a reason, but just another random aspect of my style of writing. Searching an image will not get me a hug…]

But “Oops” because there shouldn’t be any drama in your life to have your career stay on its merit, right…? 

I wish my parents hadn’t interfered with our plans of working together. It feels so childish. How will I ever find someone to work with of his level of intelligence, experience and kindness…? I also miss him as my friend… I really need this cuddle :[…

The content of the article the image refers to, requires a lot of background information. It was also clearly written when I experienced some stroke-like heartache, from the caps-lock usage and stuff… 

Either me winning a court case makes everything clear at once, or all of the intense expressions will just be deleted… 

It feels as if Tuesday is too far away, because my body is aching and tired so much… I could lay in bed for months, is how I’ve been feeling, “increasingly”…

13:37 (01:37 PM) 

Hi :]

I just found out that doki, with the plural dokis, means “lady boner” in Japanese… Δοκισ means “test” in Greek. (That’s not bad, taking the abbreviation into consideration.)

But I want to settle for a name that isn’t the same as the company name and has more meaning and value to me on a personal level… 

The part of me that fears to be disliked by the majority, makes me feel like I don’t even want to have a name at all. 

Daniëlle Lucy sounds cool… Especially when you let the names overlap in your pronunciation. I chose Lucy because of “lux ferre” which means “light bringer” and my belief that evil naturally doesn’t exist. That eternal peace and love is possible for everyone… How’s https://danielle-lucy.love for a domain name…? 

Daniëllucy is how a fast pronunciation sounds… Coming close to a hint of the word “illusion”, which is what I currently am in the minds of many. Hopefully, our eyes will meet in real life… 

It’s not easy to pronounce… They say names should be short and easy to pronounce, because then people find it easy to say and the word will spread itself more easily… Two syllable names or words such as “Face-book” and “Twit-ter” are easy to say. But I think this form of logic actually sounds a bit too simple. 

It is the concept and strategy that determine success, in the end, I think… 

When I was 16, and I came up with the business “Unitainers”, people have told me that it won’t become successful, because the name is not easy enough. (That unnecessary harsh critique is what makes me distance myself these days… That and how that makes my heart literally ache so much…) 

But I don’t want nonsense like that – already predicting “the negative end” while not even having started yet – to get to me… 

So Daniëlle Lucy it is… I’m going to order the domain now… I wish I could include a feature where you could give your thoughts on my thoughts…

Wow… I could activate comments on my articles…?

Ah, Daniëlle Lucy will have this :].

I disabled comments because I was trying to save myself from heartache. But I think those who have been keeping up with me, won’t have intentions of hurting me. (Neither had some of those who ended up hurting me, maybe…)

I have a domain name now :]. Now I need new pictures… New books… New articles… (Cooking) videos… 

“Haha” my heart says, “Please slow it down.”

So I’ll be writing Volta and thinking a little about how to mini-market the recruitment process for new writers/musicians/other artists categories/”etc” @ D.O.C.I.S. International…. 

Am I a workaholic…?

But I’m not earning anthing… x_x

I’m waiting with activating comments, because Daniëlle Lucy will have less provoking content. In the sense that I won’t be sharing details of personal drama getting on my nerves. It won’t be there anymore! I’m writing out my “semi-stoic” solution in Volta, only paying attention to my experience and emotions – some of which will fade – and not mentioning the personal drama in detail. It will sound quite general. I hope in that way, it can help others as well. 

18:10 (06:10 PM) 

I just dashed in and out the Primark to buy a stack of panties. My pussy acid always destroys my panties so fast ahahahhaaha. 

After that, I went to the Oriental store to do some grocery shopping. Today is my cooking day. 

The person I was going to chill with, a former teammate of mine, has rescheduled because of work.

So I’ll be writing tonight. I haven’t written yet, today. Letters from a Stoic is so nice! I suddenly remember how far I used to be in accomplishing certain goals of Stoicism. Volta will bring me (or us¿) back! If you weren’t there already… 

It takes my heart so much effort to smile

18:40 (06:40 PM)

I’ll be making “gele rijst”: the Surinamese Creole dish I also loved a lotttt when I was a kid. One of my grandmothers used to cook it very often. 

You’ll need: unions, tomatoes, spitskool, celery, masoes, zoutvlees, smoked chicken, rice, “masoes”, laurierblad and pimentkorrels. I’ll also be adding “chicken fachong”, which is a type of sausage. This because there were only a few pieces of chicken in the freezer and the butchery was closed by the time I got there. (I had been bed petting for too long…)

19:51 (07:51 PM) 

I want to make cooking videos, but the kitchen is not suitable, because there’s no “cooking island” and it’s also not very picture perfect… 

That shows the indirect standard I want my own house to meet… 

As I put the rice in the rice cooker, my parents left to go to a birthday party. If I  had known, I would have just made a simple dinner for one… They let me cook so that there’s food for tomorrow already. 

Now it’s the art of reason that should assist me in distancing myself from the emotions of slightly feeling being taken advantage of and loneliness. 

I’m considering to go back to eating “Paleo”… I think, for the status of my heart, where moving, breathing, eating, writing and everything else is actually too much, but I can’t stop, because I’m afraid my parents will call psychiatrists over to the house again – if I were to stay in bed – and I’m so eager to be successful in my career as a writer and entrepreneur… [+ I still have so much music and other ideas I want to put into practice…]

But eating according to the Paleo diet costs more effort, since I’ll then need to cook for the rest of my family, separately. I’ve followed the diet before the Summer of 2016.