Heyy ♥

How was your day?
Mine was a lot less productive than I wanted it to be. I wish I could tell you something more positive and uplifting, but then I would be lying about the way I feel again, so I now hope you can still find some comfort (or recognizability, but I hope you’re not pushing yourself beyond your limits in a way that it breaks you down, the way I am doing that to myself 🙁 ) in my self-expression.

I still have a WordPress theme to finish (and I don’t know that much about PHP, so it takes a little longer for me to understand the syntax and what I’m doing and stuff), the D.O.C.I.S. International website to finish, the D.O.C.I.S. store to build, et cetera….

The feeling of pressure woke me up again. I can’t do anything (travel, produce something, make a short film, build a house, buy some Summer clothing), because I have no money. I can’t claim official power, because I have no degrees. I want to be known for my philosophy on reform and my projects (unfortunately catching dust on the shelf, currently). Working for an employer is not an option for me. And I fear that people won’t even look at the D.O.C.I.S. store (and then all of this effort is for nothing and I’m stuck with the costs of having it). The pressure comes from the worry about future stability. So by means of giving myself a (future financial) back-up, I’ll sign up for the bachelor in Mathematics at the University of Antwerp, right when admissions are opened.

Another reason for me to want to study (and start over) in Antwerp, is to escape the dysfunctional situation that is destroying me emotionally. I have no money to move, but with a new study loan I can pay my tuition and manage to rent something little, there, maybe…

I won’t quit my sole proprietorship when I go there. (The academic year starts on September 23rd 🙂 . (I still need to sign up, though.)) On the contrary! I’ll have a new (more suitable) territory to search for Graeynissis 😻 .
I already look forward to the adventure 🙂 . Though – instead of being a first-year student – I’d prefer a situation in which I’m an advisor to multiple people in a diverse range of powerful positions. As an apprentice. So that I can learn the useful lessons I desire to learn, which are not in the regular books, needed to later rule the D.O.C.I.S. International empire (and Planet Fang). Especially not in a bachelor course 🙁 .

This craving for that particular type of information (also the reasons why I’ve been running after my B, Victishe and other Graeynissis), was why I spent a lot of time on the deep web/dark web today. I absolutely love everything my innocent eyes have been seeing – it comes with a certain type of thrill – but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. (I probably need someone to “slip me some onions“… But how¿ 🤔 )

I want to know exactly what life looks like – day-to-day protocols – of someone in any position of power. I want to know exactly how the world works. How what children learn about power, in books, is executed by people in reality. So that I can improve the concept…

Meanwhile I have so much inspiration for new books and essays that I want to pause pushing myself to finish my websites. So that’s what I’ll be doing at least until the 1st of July, probably. On the 1st of July, I get access to the database to become a book seller (of other authors as well). So then I can continue the configuration of the D.O.C.I.S. Store, after having made my selection of books. It would be nice to own the books I sell (that we then have a collection of the exact same books 😻 ), but money 🙁 . If I had an investor/non-narcissistic financial support 😢 .

We celebrated my grandmother’s 78th birthday today. Dinner was very nice 🙂 . (My heart is too damaged for further sentiment.)

My health insurer has robbed me again, so my bank account is back on minus 🙁 . I’m in the mood for careless spending because of this (it included fines and everything 😢 ), but the risk of not being able to pay my other bills and then getting fines again or my website being taken down again… Meow x_x. I hope writing some new books and setting up an original online bookstore will help my financial situation.

For now, I’m going to bed.

Good night ♥

Published on 00:33 (12:33 AM)