21:38 (09:38 PM) 

Hey Cuddle <3

*Insert poll*

Apparently, my being without 66% of “ugh” in the house starts tonight :]. It would be amazing to nudge this special Graeyniss (or these special Graeynissis?) about this and just run off and start a new business adventure together. Including a lot of cuddling :D. 

I have been talking about how I want to continue my studies, because my degree would be my back-up plan. This study is, however, such a huge distraction from what I really want to do. Since my parents don’t want to pay for it anyway, and I actually do not enjoy it at all… I just want the title. And I don’t like not owning the business I work for, which is “the best thing you could get” with a degree, the position of a CEO or “Cimilar” (CFO, CSO, CHRO, C…) basically… Okay, in my case, the best thing I could get with a degree is the “official title” of “independent researcher” (“Illuminatus Intelligens”, haha…)…. But in school you only learn formalities? And for becoming an independent researcher, you basically need a large network of Graeynissis. I was working towards saying: “If my business doesn’t work out, I’m better off dead.”
Another huge distraction is my “40 hour side-job”. But this is my last week :D. 

Look how bad I was killin’ it yesterday without a supervisor, by the way:

At the end of the day, I did all 46 of my own tasks, picked up 71 tasks and postponed 19 of them. The postponing was done because there’s this “confirm hand-in” task that must be performed 10 days after the hand-in date, but so many people don’t put the task on “10 days later”, so I have to do it… Within the 10 day period, the case stays open and there’s room for claims and stuff. 

Ah, I’ve missed you :[. I want to spend so much more time with you (in real life)!!! 

Haha, by the way, I made the example sentence “That’s so Graeyniss”, but first didn’t have a real-life example of this. Now I do, haha. I bought this:

Haha “bretels” are so Graeyniss. This is hands down the most beautiful bra design I have ever seen.

This is the front :]. It reminds me of a suit haahahahahaha

The model I’ll receive will look slightly different, though, since my size is 70F. Haha I want to show you………. 

What I, of this month, don’t need to put into my company, I have spent on “investing in a better impression”. I’m being quite camera shy, because what I wear and the places I go to don’t “suit my character”. I’m, as far as my budget allows this, changing this, this month. When it comes to my apprarance: today, online, I’ve bought: two pairs of new jeans, two dresses, long and short sleeved (but more long sleeved) shirts, two bras, a stack of panties, a matched sports set, a bralette, shapewear, fashion tape, an ankle bracelet, a running bracelet (for my phone), a fanny pack, a new wig, organic face cream, organic eye cream, my own merchandise (nu pas….. En ik betaal ervoor “ahahahahahahaha”), organic make-up remover, organic body oil, a new bronzer and “vintage velvet” lipstick. Oh, and a few days ago I bought these “delicacy cheeses” I now “can’t live without” (truffel cheese and “pepper cheese”(?)). But I guess for true “delicacy cheeses” with more powerful taste, I need to look abroad. Haha normally I don’t even “omg look what I just bought”. But I tell you everything, right <3. 

My environment doesn’t match my character, in the sense that I actually think it kind of sucks and I don’t feel at home here at all. I like socializing, but only if the topics require actual thought. I cringe from walking past people, or laying in my bed and (thin walls :'[ ) not being able to block out verbal noise going “Oh my god do you know what *name* said the other day?  Blah blah blah.” “Oh my god. *Starts deep conversation for wild animals sentiment* Well I think this and this and that about that.” “Blah blah blah.” E-ve-ry fucking conversation has the same construction. I’m so tired of following the script, that I just purposely rush it every time someone ambushes me with it. I want to live among people who cringe from this as well. They’ll probably also don’t like smelly alleyways and walking through big crowds of people acting wild. 

I was wondering if I should account for my expenses as business expenses, since I’m buying this to impress you (as my target audiece meow) and I’m the product of my business… But I don’t want to be like my father haha (as in saying things are business expenses, while they’re not). But it only works when I generate an income from this, which I’m currently not, since my books are unpublished, and my sites haven’t been “SEOed” yet. One week left, and then I can work on its change, in which I’ll succeed, just like last time, within 14 days. Are we going to Milan afterwards? I’ve already seen some cheap flights… I like how understanding Latin syntax allows me to understand Italian. I’ve been “speaking Italian” at work haha. Arranging “consegna auto” ahahahaha. 

My exact spendings in the order I’ve bought them in:

(“The Cheese House”, who shall remain nameless *(!): $15.95)

Fashion Nova: $233.48 (“incl.  -$58.36 discount”, “which makes me feel even better about my purchase”)

Asos: €90.97

Marlies Dekkers: €184.85 

AliExpress: €3.71 + €9.95 = €13.66

Douglas: €61.83

Fangs’s Store: €159.93

Vitaminstore: €75.69

Divaswigs: $389

I still have more than €1600 to spend. 

With this, I’ll definitely last for quite some time. It has been years since I’ve shopped like this. It’s actually my first time ever shopping like this, since my parents sometimes say “You want me to pay (…) for that?? Nah, that’s not worth the price.” Is it me, or is it ~only in the North~.

I can’t wait for next week yoo (the beginning of it, especially, since then I’m still “parentless”. They come back on the fourth or fifth or something). I then finally have the time and money (as in some savings) to not have to work to pay my bills, or hide from the system (long story…), so I can write all day. (This process could go way faster, if you’d help me out… ;] *indirect reference to the first longer paragraph of this… Article? Blog post? Diary post…? Is it really a diary post, if I’m talking to you, my reader? (Is the setting I’m trying to paint with my writing. Is it working…?) I’m showing you my most intimate side, though…*) I would love to combine my writing with some good conversations with you (is in the end business not written correspondence? People (sapiens, not you…) don’t understand the link between being an author and doing international business…). I don’t want to make my exams. I detest putting that before my business. 

I need you, my Graeyniss!! In my “social environment”, where people DON’T KNOW I AM LIL FANGS, I have no Graeynissis… I have some “people my age (with a +7,-5 margin (as in between 16 and 28))”, I can level with, but no one who could be my friend, (polyamorist) lover, business partner and teacher at the same time… I know real Graeynissis hide from the masses. The masses who act like ignorant wild animals… How can I meet you, my Graeyniss? :[ Why do I live among these wild people and no Graeynissis?  x_x

*(!) Speaking of “these people” and “shall remain nameless” (this “supervisor”!!!):

Ah,  meow. I’m going to eat “dinner” now. I don’t think I’ll get time to translate this from Dutch to English… 

01:21 (AM) 

Aiight let’s get itt. 

The top image’s file note 44 says: 

(I seriously got complaints on making my file notes to elaborate, so…) “Called client to say that if he gets a call by Europcar to tell him there is a car reserved, this is definitive. [This because there was this colleague who told him that it might go wrong again, another colleague had tried to reserve a car at Sixt and then told him to go to Vienna airport to pick it up, but then Sixt didn’t have anything available for him, so I made a reservation request at Europcar, who later informed the client that they didn’t have anything that day either, but they had something the next day [this wasn’t even a case of mine. I just (luckily?) happened to come across the email of Sixt saying they didn’t have anything for him (in German)].] I asked them if they have travel insurance and if they have a place to sleep tonight. [Because often, when people, like this man (and his wife and 3 children), have had a car breakdown the night before, they search for a hotel, for which they have the right to get (at least a partial) refund, if they have travel insurance. (But people often don’t know this.)] Then I have been told that they have slept in their broken car with their three children last night (the youngest is 7…) [Such a conscious age :'[.] and that they’d have to do that again tonight. That is not right… :[. They don’t have much money at the moment [after their holiday], they told me. They have travel insurance at Centraal Beheer (Achmea). Is there a way to arrange a hotel stay for them? Please… 

Tomorrow, at 9 am, they’ll pick up the car at Europcar Vienna Airport [and it was 3 in the afternoon or something when I spoke to them…]. (So please [search for a hotel] in that area…)”

Note 45: “I went to a “mentor” [the word “begeleider”, which is “the floor term here”, is something like “mentor” (I think that says “I need a lot of guidance” too much. I prefer to say supervisor (even though my true preference is to have no one above me), but when I use this, some say that sounds too “like you want to be of the elite”, just like I’ve been told to say “toetje” (=”sweet”) instead of “dessert” (=”dessert” (also a Dutch word)))] to ask to whom I could refer the hotel reservation task to, to which she replied, after she said: “Are they Moroccans? They always sleep in their cars, right?”, that they, even though they might not be able to pay for this, will have to pay the hotel stay upfront [because that is the procedure]. I went back to my desk after this, but more because I was so shocked about her cold, extremely racist statement. Since she is the only “mentor” here at this time, I don’t know who else to go to. I told them on the phone I’ll be able to find someone who can inform them about a possible hotel stay, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to do this.” Later, someone else has told them the ANWB will cover €75 of their stay. I think they didn’t understand that I was trying to make an exception. Normally, insurance companies give a refund (in the Netherlands?), but I was trying to arrange for them to pay for it upfront. 

While I was translating this, my mother walked in to ask me when the payment deadline for my next curriculum is. I told her September 13. Then she suddenly said “We’ll talk about it.” I wonder what caused this, but I don’t want to ask, because they’ve hurt me so often, I avoid conversations about topics close to my heart now. Part of me wants to feel relieved, because if I can keep up my studies, I keep the right to receive study financing. Since my ANWB contract ends on Sept 2 and I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to become “one of the Graeynissis”. Also, I don’t enjoy studying now, because I have no free time, so every time making an assignment, it’s “now, or never” *insert extreme sentiment*. But the courses are very interesting (for putting into practice). [Personal finance, the follow-up from my current mathematics course and “running the economy”(!!!) :D] 

About “now or never”, though, I have a deadline on Sept 28 (Maths) and one on Sept 29 (Stats), and work 13:30 – 22:00 Monday 27 – Tuesday 28 + 08:00 – 16:30 Thursday 31 – Sunday 2, but I only did 7 out of 24 Maths questions today (my off day). In the meantime I was just thinking about how bad I want to write you… I guess I like learning, for the tools it gives me to put the knowledge into practice, but the for way I want to put it into practice (is already defined and), I never need to do what I write down on a test, and I have too much of an “If I don’t get an A, I’ll feel as if I’ve failed”-mentality unnecessarily weighing me down sometimes, I’d rather just write a thesis. Because I can already easily do this. I have already written down the backbone… Why wait another two years……. My Graeyniss……………. 

It’s 03:15 and I’m going to try to do some Maths before going to work, so… 

Good night, my Graeyniss

I should tell you this every day. You’re so precious to me. 

I love you

xxx