15:22 (03:22 PM) 

Good afternoon πŸ™‚

Today we celebrate my sister’s 17th birthday β™₯. I’ve chosen her name. I was sick at home and my parents were somewhere else. A reality TV show about a hospital was on, where they showed the birth of a child. She was named Kayleigh. I found that such a pretty name, that I called my mother to tell her that I wanted to propose a name for my sister to be. And now we’ll party until sunrise, to celebrate Kayleigh, together with all of our parents’ friends (haha what).

The time goes by so fast… It feels like yesterday that we turned the top floor into our spy office and made up our own games. Now you’re almost in your graduation year and you have your first official boyfriend… Next year you’ll also have to pay for your health insurance monthly and suddenly notice how much of a snake our father is for letting us pay the €100 per month ourselves. 

Just like back in the day, I hope to earn enough to provide for the both of us and get the fuck out of this house. I love her so much that she doesn’t know how much she’s able to influence my heart rate. 

Here she was about 2 and I was about 7. We then still lived in Rotterdam, Prins Alexander (the neighborhood haha)

That’s the old motorcycle of our neighbor who, today, is still our neighbor

We always held photoshoots with our grandmother πŸ™‚

I love you β™₯

We’re such bed pets… Our mother yelled to upstairs that we need to do the dishes, before her and my father left to go wherever. I just got dressed and put on my wig, Kay is still bed petting… 

I need to take care of the mess in my room as well x_x. 

Meoww, my Cuddle. I know it’s a lot of me to ask for your companionship today and forever, but, please…? *looks at you with Cuddle eyes* I need you πŸ™ . I can’t do this on my own πŸ™ .

The sky I see from my bedroom window has been looking like this for weeks if not months straight, which indicates that we need to get the fuck out of here πŸ™‚

If it weren’t for leerplicht and controversial beliefs in my talents, I would take my sister and her friends with me right away, when I go abroad…

~~~

17:15 (05:15 PM) 

My first meal of the day:

Yeheesss I’m hungraaaayy. These are the vegetables I cooked yesterday. I cooked a similar dish a few days ago, in Amsterdam, where I’ll be going again tonight, if I stay cuddleless πŸ™

Meow πŸ™

~~~

17:53 (05:53 PM) 

Making tables ready

I want to be alone maahn daaaamn. If I stay cuddleless today again as well, I will not regret ending my life the slightest bit. 

Haha I’ve put snacks and drinks on the tables and stuff… Now there are no more occupations I can avoid small talk with. Same place, same anecdotes, same feeling of superiority over me, which will be expressed every word of our superficial conversation, solely because of age (“life experience”) and finances, et cetera. 

~~~

18:17 (06:17 PM) 

Another fear I have is the fear for an intervention, because I act so differently from the way I used to act. I used to be all jolly and social on occasions like this, even though, underneath, I felt the same as I do now. The problem is that I become worse at faking my emotions. I just need a place I can be all by myself in. What’s the soonest way? Haha yess tomorrooww… 

I’m seriously smoking a cigarette by myself. I don’t even smoke anymore usually. I haven’t smoked weed for quite some time now, too, by the way. 

It’s still non-busy enough for me to retrieve now

It would be better if I weren’t here, truthfully. I’m here out of solidarity for my sister. I’m not “gezellig”. Help me πŸ™ . I need a mediccc. 

~~~

19:28 (07:28 PM) 

Wil je eten?

Mid-eating

Haha I wish I were cool enough to start a project X with Graeynissis. Things are not looking well for this meow… 

~~~

20:42 (08:42 PM) 

If I would get €15 for every time someone tells me that living the life of your dreams is impossible and that sometimes you just have to settle for a small house and a shitty job, I would be able to move out of my parents’ house by now for sure. 

Haha I feel so un-cuddle for depending on that job at the ANWB, but having this controversial website and having sent that controversial e-mail to the director who is so cute ahh πŸ™ . I’m afraid that my chances for being able to provide for myself are absolutely zero. And I do not want to keep depending on my parents and their network. 

~~~

21:18 (09:18 PM) 

I’m getting worse at hiding emotions, but I’m still doing pretty well, I think. 

Do I look happy? 

Exactly.

The real me and my faΓ§ade are so very different. Yet still I will be accompanying my parents’ friends from Amsterdam in the car when they go home and celebrate New Year’s all by myself, since they too are going away on New Year’s. 

I’m sorry for writing this on my sister’s birthday πŸ™ . But at least something should resemble who I truly am. The truth about me, you can find here. 

They say another person’s perspective is a more trustable source, but that argument doesn’t take into consideration jealousy and the intentions of the person. I hope you just believe me as a the only source of myself. 

Haha if I were to receive €15 for all of my suicide attempts, I would not be able to move out, but still, it would be a few months of health insurance. I’m tired of trying. I just want success. In something. Ah meow πŸ™ . I will be deleting all of my social media – my Lil Fangs accounts as well – except my websites, when I’m in Amsterdam. 

~~~