20:18 (08:18 PM)
Good evening <3
How was your day?
There are two topics I’ll elaborate on today. One sad, one “happy”. It’s “happy” because of the paradox I’ll mention in between the topics. Yesterday I mentioned the turbulence in my life, but I didn’t elaborate on it. That’s the sad part. The “happy” part is my struggling having a “finish line”. I often say “this is it”, but those points don’t have a “finish line”. Now I’ve finally been able to picture one. It requires A LOT of work, but it’s so worth it. I’m going to push myself to beyond my limits and achieve everything before June 25.
The sad part
Since December 2016 (or should I say December 2015…) my life has been turbulent. Every time I think the turbulence is about to end, it becomes worse. I can only pull some strings and hope they’re the right ones, when it comes to achieving my goals. It goes the same way for receiving love back.
[Funny how how I’m writing this [I’m sitting at Loft 88. Table for one. My starter was nachos with cheese and everything. My main dish is fish & chips, because they don’t have a “fish of the day” today.] the “restaurant cat” [in every restaurant I’ve been at, the restaurant owned either a cat or a dog. One even had this “food bowl” for guest animals on the terrace] tried to snatch away my fish. I was literally saying: “Yo… Don’t do this… Please go away…” to him/her, while waving my hand a little. Of course he/she didn’t respond to that. So the woman sitting all the way on the other side of the terrace [there are not that many people here right now, especially not compared to Friday] walked up to me, saying: “Are you scared?” I replied “No,”, but that wasn’t entirely true. I’m afraid of how unpredictable this cat is. Is there an action of mine that could trigger this cat to scratch or fang me? I mean, I spotted him/her before, walking and “climbing” around. But I never expected to actually see [I wrote “expect” instead of “actually see” before, which actually applied to the reality of the situation more, but “actually see” sounds “more human” and less “to complain about”, so I picked “actually” after reading back the sentence a little. A little, because I don’t really have time to review my blog posts, because I write so much and do so many things on the side. All by myself…] him/her to jump onto the lounge sofa I was sitting on, basically planting its nose against the little bucket that had my fish & chips in it.
She made this large clapping motion, using “all of the components of her arm” [normally, at least for me, when I clap, at for example some theatre show, at the max, I’m using my full “under arms” and might include some bicep movement, but she was using her full shoulders for this movement], while saying “HÉ, GA WEG.” (Thats: “Hey, go away”.) The cat jumped off the couch. “You should just use a little “URGHHH”,” she said, while making a bicep curl movement with one arm and putting this “using intense muscle power”-look on her face. Then she walked away. Exactly that is what my family said when my aunt’s guard dog tried to attack me. But I don’t have this type of expression in me, really. Not anymore. Not after I realized I don’t fit in and I shouldn’t want to fit in, because my target audience doesn’t exist in my environment. I’ll never truly fit in, here. Not as myself. I realized this around December 2016.]
The life I’ve been striving for since day 1, is the life in which I bring a completely new concept to life on a very young age, and let my environment [from all my relatives, to my friends, to random people I meet on my path, with an interesting story] lift on my success, allowing them to achieve all of their life goals with so much ease. Whether it’s kick-starting their career, getting that one job or getting that one car/house/whatever.
Some thing that kind of bothers me, is that I could have been doing these things I’ve been doing right now, at a much younger age (because this is not a “new talent” or whatever), and get a status that suits me assigned to my name. I’m “that very young very talented black female who made it on a very young age”. I feel bad about still having to struggle to “get there”, while I could have already “been there”. And every time I think: “After this decision/”release of work”, I’ll be internationally recognized, and the struggle will be over. Not only for me,” my mission gets sabotaged. Too bad that until last Friday, I’ve been dependent on other people. To summarize my dependency: for investments I depended on my father and for publicity I depended on my family and friends. They all don’t share. (Even though they all said they would, at first.) Only my mother shares. I’ve already spent too much text elaborating on how this sticks together in so many ways in both these diary posts and Nosce Te Ipsum I, Book I, Episode 1, that I won’t go into this much more. In the end, it’s all just in my mind, because I don’t even see or talk to these people anymore (I don’t have them on my social media, including Whatsapp). I’m just very disappointed and am bothered by them saying: “Oh, you must be crazy and it’s not that bad, actually,” because I never said it directly to them [They say “it’s not that bad”, because “otherwise I would have told them directly”. But how about it was so bad I didn’t say anything about it, because I didn’t expect them to be so hurtful and actually find it normal. The masses find it normal to yell insults back and forth and then make up. I don’t find that normal. Do that to me once and I’m done with you, because I would never do that to you. Don’t pollute my mind with that hateful nonsense. Examples of things that were considered normal, but I didn’t find normal, but I didn’t respond to, are:
- My father “saying”: “You’re insane! But you’re lucky I’ve not given you “the Surinamese upbringing”, otherwise I would have been telling you you have shit in your head (but then using the Surinamese “catchphrase”).” *5 mins later* “You have shit in your head!!!!!! You have shit in your head! You have shit in your head!”; “You don’t know the system and will never be able to change it, because you don’t have enough working experience, common knowledge and people knowledge.” and “You’re a liar and a betrayer! You tried to steal money from your grandmother!!!” on one night. (Why the FUCK would I steal money? And especially why steal my grandmother’s?? I have all of my father’s online banking passwords (because I used to do his bookkeeping) and “even that” I haven’t touched… Not even when he “forgot” to transfer my allowance every month (because he didn’t want to make it automated “for some reason”).
- My “friend” walking up to me. I arrived a little late on this day we went to a museum with school. My “friends” were standing in a circle. He walked up to the middle of the circle, holding a chicken wing in his hand. “We all went to KFC this morning, but we didn’t invite you, because we knew you’d be late,” he said. I thought he saved one for me. He moved his arm as if he was going to give the piece of chicken to me. I adjusted my face to it, expressing “Oh, what a surprise! How nice of you!” Even though I already felt “stabbed in the heart” after hearing that they had such bad expectations of me and did something “fun” without me. Then he put the piece of chicken in his mouth, saying: “Oh boy, it’s sooooo gooood,” and everyone in that group started to laugh. The rest of the day, I spent with a different group of friends. (I was late because I was putting booze in a plastic bottle at the last minute. Had to wait until my parents went to work.)
- My ex-boyfriend (who then was still my boyfriend) finding it weird that I stopped sharing my feelings with him, after:
- Me: “I’ve been feeling so lonely. I really don’t like sleeping alone. May I sleep over at your place?”
- Him: “No.” [Thinking back at this: who the fuck says no to having a shot at sex? Who the fuck says no to being cuddled to sleep? Why the fuck do you say no without an explanation? Who the fuck lacks so much empathy to still let me sleep alone? (Everyone in my environment. He isn’t the only one who I’ve told this. But I stopped asking, because I don’t want to be touched by people who are so cold.) Why the fuck was I feeling lonely from the beginning of the relationship? (Because it sucked.)]
- Me: “Why?”
- Him: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”
- (But later sleeping over at each other’s houses suddenly became a habit. And he kept sending me messages about him missing me and shit. I guess my Cuddle is just that good.) Or this one:
- Me: “:p is an emoji I used to use when I was on MSN.”
- Him: “What is MSN?”
- Me: “Huh? Haven’t you used MSN? It was so popular!! It’s a messaging service. Basically Whatsapp for computers only.”
- Him: “What does MSN stand for?”
- Me: “I don’t know.”
- Him: “Oh my god, you’re so retarded. How can you not know what the abbreviation stands for, while you have been using it all the time?”
- Me: “It stands for Microsoft Network. I just Googled it.”
- As if he knows what ING stands for… Or “dot com”… Don’t Google it now that I said it. Fucking hypocrite. (I still want my notebook back, though… Don’t burn it or use it as rolling papers, please.)
Now to them, it’s normal to be so hurtful and then expect me to get over it. I might have done things back, after I thought they really crossed the line, but they reach limits my heart just can’t copy. For those who just tuned in: this is what I consider beyond hurtful. I just gave these examples for those who haven’t read previous posts and Nosce Te Ipsum, Book I, Episode 1. From now on, I’ll heavily reduce mentioning these painful things. I’ll only mention it, when I have another fucked up day, after having to meet the flehs again and having to see “the counsellor”], but it surfaced [they found out through snitching] after “I got snitched and was stuck in the system” (I’m talking about “unjustified psychiatry”, not prison. But I think it feels the same way). [Had to think of this: I told this psychiatrist I felt hurt because another friend called me a pussy for having tried to commit suicide, and she replied that I shouldn’t feel like that, because by calling me a pussy, “he’s actually saying he cares”. Fuck off. With “I care” you say you care. Okay, I hope that was the last “flashback haunting me”.]
It’s 00:49 (12:49 AM) already. I’ve written the rest of the story structure already, but I’m going to go to sleep. “Going to bed early” is one of the things I’ll be working on in these beast mode weeks. Just like finishing this explanation is one of my last extensive updates, until I have backed up all of my work and renewed my websites. Anything before 02:00 (AM) is “going to sleep earlier”. My goal is a 0900 – 2300 rhythm (0900 AM – 1100 PM). I’m building it up slowly. 2300 – 0000 (11 PM – 12 AM) will be for my pre-sleeping routine (dancing, meditating, cuddling…). More about this in a coming NTI episode!
I’m leaving the rest of the structure as I made it, even though I’ll be continuing in a new episode. (I wrote a large part on my laptop this time. It feels like using my laptop I write a lot less words per minute…)
Good night, my love <3
The “happy” part
So I just made an account on Spreadshirt. Initiating my clothing line from there will be soooooo much cheaper and more large-scale proof than screen printing the shirts myself. With the shirts (and other types of clothing) pre-printed, it’s easier and cheaper for me to add hand-made prints with beads on them. Today’s Jan Taminiau exhibition was so inspiring!!! (And I rarely have other people inspiring me!!!)
Here are some pictures:
Ahahahahah I just had the most genius idea for self-marketing. You see, people only engage in projects when they seem popular. Popularity basically equals trustworthiness. It’s, these days, hardly possible to start a project “completely from scratch”, having 0 followers. No matter how awesome your project is. You either already have all of the popularity and start a new project, to which your audience immediately contributes/which your audience immediately supports, or you have a little bit of popularity and get a marketing/PR team who invests (time-wise as well as financially) in your project. If you have money, you could also hire a team. I can’t do any of this… But I know something that’s going to give the impression of already being very succesful with my project: I’m going to write two Wikipedia pages: one for myself and one for Project Nosce Te Ipsum. After that, I’m going to spend a little on Google Adwords (to make my page top-ranked when you search my name) and a little on Instagram marketing. I already have more than 1500 followers on Instagram and more than 900 followers on Twitter. But these followers are “un-targeted”. (Targeting them is more expensive, but as soon as I get to Bad Boekelo, I’ll have some “investment funds” (not more than €150 for sure ahahahaha) available. After/before/during the instagram campaign, I’ll target about 100 people. That’s enough to start with, for sure).
I’m too excited to sleep, but I’m still going to try it again…
Slaap lekker <3