17:37 (05:37 PM)
Good afternoon ♥
I hope you’ll read the title of this diary post and think: “I experience the transition from a good mood to a bad mood, too, and could, by analyzing the way Fangs (indirectly) expresses this transition in her diary post, find better ways to prevent this from happening to me, in the future.” It’s one of the reasons why I share my feelings publicly.
Yesterday, I shared an impulsive draft with you, about the way I could shape my life, to still get some satisfaction from it, now that it seems like the path to a healthy D.O.C.I.S. International is far longer than could have been, now that the first layer of brain-to-brain communication has been denied.
I felt a distinct type of happiness when I got the idea, because it made me feel as if there’s a way out of the empty nest syndrome life that I’m attempting to escape. But it would make me become unregistered business partners with people who I absolutely cannot level with. In an attempt to negotiate, yesterday, multiple times, I have said: “Do not buy land that lies below sea level. It’s not a good long-term investment.” I don’t want my sister to inherit sea water. But I am not listened to.
I don’t want to be underpaid unregistered, to spend time and effort maintaining someone else’s real estate, while I seek for ways to become rich quicker, but then won’t be allowed to show the mountains I’m moving for these people. It also hurts so much, to still be deprived from investors, and to then have my “caretakers” prefer to buy worthless land instead of support me.
The problem is that I really need the money… It is even said that I may live in one of the properties, for a symbolic price of rent, if I become able to afford it. But I want to move from the bedroom in my parents’ house, to any countryside house abroad, at once. I desperately want to get out of this country, but I don’t want to lose the (slight) comfort I’m used to, so I need to have a lot of capital, before I leave.
About last Friday, I have spoken an incredibly small amount of words. I thought I would have been saying very different things about it. I thought that it could have caused a Volta. But instead, my life is exactly the same as it was, before the conversation took place, aside from now being even further away from finding an explanation for the movement of my skull.
These two years, in which people have been telling me “That I need help”, I have said that I would seek help if dr. Crutzen delivers a negative statement. Most of the people saying that I need this, don’t even believe that I’ve ever spoken to him in private (including the “experts” who diagnosed me as someone who’s psychotic).
I only said that I was going to seek help if he denies our brain-to-brain communication, because, truthfully, I never want to be helped with anything, and I didn’t expect him to actually deny it. But his denial doesn’t change the fact that I absolutely fucking hate small talk and other superficial things, and, therefore, prefer to stay alone in my room for all eternity, chilling with this hope giving voice in my head, than “to get back out there”. I don’t want to attempt to reconnect with the people I used to spend a lot of time with, because even long before this awful case came into existence, I knew that my heart is not safe with those people. And the way they have treated me after that case became reality, confirms that.
Not even to begin with the way in which I, in person, stay polite to my mother, because she supports me the most, financially, but I’m so starting to lose my patience with the way she treats me as if I’m mentally disabled. “Zit maar niet zo veel te typen op je telefoon, met dat hoofd van je.” Every time I hear a statement like that – plenty of times a day – I need to suppress my initial reaction. I can’t stand it when people see me as less than I am, and because of that, internally, I feel the need to “make that awful sound stop”, by physically attacking her, by means of making clear that you really should not fucking talk to me like that. But that would get me a life long prison sentence, for sure, because I’ve had to endure this for so fucking long already.
I’m not allowed to speak of the long postponed real estate deal of my parents, “on those websites of mine, because we don’t know how many people look at it”. I might lose my last shot at an income to work for, but I refuse to add another layer to this being a pushover. I don’t give a fuck if the entire world knows that they are frauds. Just do it legally??? And fucking listen to my advice? I can’t level with them anyway. Wanting to spend all eternity in this swamp… I don’t fucking get it…
To me, currently, life is “Get rich and emigrate, or commit suicide”, within a week. I know that the rope of my bathrobe is strong enough to hang myself with in the staircase here. Talking to anyone about it, who will then say “But you have so much to offer and life is so great. Really do not kill yourself. You should just get back out there.” I feel as though I have mentally aged too far. I can’t get back out there, because all I live for is to change what is “out there”. All I can talk of, and enjoy what I’m speaking of, when you meet me in person, is this:
How can I summon someone from abroad to my house to save me from empty nest syndrome, because there seriously is no other way for me to experience happiness in life, and I’m starting to lose my patience?
Also, on Friday, I just couldn’t start the “Are you my father?” conversation, because I would indirectly be saying: “So you two had sex?”, wanting to know the when, why and where, while I really find that if that is true, my mother should tell me that, because I deserve to know my identity. After hearing “No” about the brain-to-brain communication, I felt that that was enough painful “no’s” for the day. Maybe even enough for the rest of my life.
I still can’t believe that the brain-to-brain communication is not real. I also felt like saying things like “I thought your eyes were more turquoise/blue-ish,” “I thought you were taller” “Are you a Doppelganger?” But I had my max of no’s and sounding crazy.
I often expose things on here and would appreciate it if I were involved in the big debate that is derived from that, so that I could speed up my process of introducing the world to my regime.
Look at this demon, by the way, holding an empty speech attacking his colleague, and fucking reading that from a piece of paper, instead of speaking from the heart:
The Dutch democratic system is a joke. There are too many different people in the Chamber, which is why those at the top can waste their time with little nonsensical cat fights like this.
I should be developing my themes and renewed websites, but, in advance, I know the returns I’ll get (maybe a slight increase in visitors, but still no money or engagement), is not really worth it. I’ll still do it, though, because I spend far too much time in bed, hoping that tomorrow will bring me a miracle. That one day, supporters of mine will ambush me at home, taking me and my belongings anywhere, to rule the world from the shadows and really give my life some meaning…
I just typed 1386 words on my phone, in about two hours, haha…
22:23 (10:23 PM)
Out of curiosity (and because attendance is free, otherwise I wouldn’t even be able to attend), I’ll be attending the Forum voor Democratie “discussion night” about the European elections, coming Tuesday 🙂 .
I’m veryyy curious about the outcome of the coming elections, which is basically the only reason why I haven’t hung myself yet. I’m hoping that the world will resort to the D.O.C.I.S., after Chaos unravels…
Also, the extent to which I don’t have money to do something this Summer, pains my chest. If I’d have some right now, I could work on the Planet Fang building project, travel and write about international experiences (plus make pretty pictures 🙂 ), not having to write every line of code for my renewed websites and the app myself… Reality is a painful experience to me.
Aside from expressing myself on here, having the feeling that someone listens to me and understands and relates to the way I feel, I’ll now get to the other highlight of the day, which is laying in bed all night, still feeling the mental embrace of brain-to-brain communication. Unfortunately I cry a lot, when I’m alone (because then I don’t have to explain why). I wonder if it will naturally come to an end, or if I’ll have to end it myself.
Meoww I hope you see something in me and that, if you experience emotions similar to mine, they will vanish without any complications or drastic measures.
I love you ♥
– xxx –