19:29 (07:29 PM)
Good evening, my cuddle
How’s your day?
I swam a bit today, made some pictures of monkies in the trees here, packed, ate and listened to people’s conversations. I do that A LOT, by the way. But I often don’t mention it.
Oof, I was helping with putting the luggage in my aunt’s car, when I got stung by a dozen ants on my feet. I have been having “bad luck” so often lately x_x. I hope I won’t have that when I sneak out again… “Sneak out” sounds very “rebel teenager”-ish, but that’s not me. All these flehs profile me like a problem child, but I just don’t want to be bothered by their shallow nonsense. I don’t want to talk to them, so spending time with them is even worse, to me. I don’t have “the rights” to do what I want, which is not having them in my life. And they say I give them trouble. Fucking forget me, and all your “problems” are solved. Bam. Then we’re both happy. Because I don’t actively talk shit. That’s why I stated that I listened to a lot of conversations. They make so many immoral statements and then laugh about it. I can’t act as if I enjoy the conversation, but when everyone is laughing, I attempt to laugh too, because I don’t want to be a buzzkill. If I were to speak my mind, I would say: “How can you laugh about someone else’s suffering?” Because that’s what ALL of their jokes are about, if you were to summarize them to a “fixed concept”.
I have been translating all aspects and sentiments of life into “fixed concepts”. That’s why my existence feels kind of empty. Other people don’t see the fixed concepts. To them, every experience is new, even though they have seen the same concept a million times. I want to talk to people who oversee the same concepts. I can’t enjoy a conversation that consists of anecdotes I’ve heard a million times before. I always act as if I heard it for the first time, but while they’re telling it, I finish their sentences. They don’t notice it, but when they’re talking to me, they rarely finish a sentence without me as their backing vocal. My voice sounds very monotone when I do, because I don’t want the conversation to take place. The only reason I take part in conversation, is to shut up these fucking annoying psychiatric industry people. But now it’s pointless. I thought the blood test was a one time thing. I’m glad I didn’t take it, because otherwise they would have taken me in, with the cops and everything, right after we would have landed.
So, Tuesday May 22nd, I should fly to Los Angeles. I don’t like “worrying people” (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S FAKE (they want to spend time with me so that they can talk about themselves. They don’t know a thing about me) AND THEY PUT SOOOO MUCH DIRT ON MY NAME. I’M A GOOD, RESPONSIBLE PERSON), but I guess I have to vanish again. Now that I’m thinking of it, I guess that’s my way to get an audience as well… I’m on social media now, and I have this blog I’m maintaining, but no one is reading it… If I would go missing, people would read my story… Then Nosce Te Ipsum would finally “come to life”. Liée! The only downloads of my book are downloads of myself, to see what it looks like… I have 0 people in my life I can directly talk about Nosce Te Ipsum with. I could tell them about it, but they don’t reason on the same level. If they would find it interesting, their conversation wouldn’t be so empty… They talk about things I used to talk about when I was ten. No joke. Then, it was new and interesting to me. Now it’s boring and predictable. I don’t understand why people at least twice my age (and my cousin who’s five years older than me… Omg the many ways in which she has hurt me all my life… And I have LITERALLY NEVER done ANYTHING to her… Fleh) can have these childish conversations and still tell me I don’t know anything and they have all the knowledge and experience in life, so I have to obey them. If they have gone to school and then have had the same job all their life, exploring only Surinam and Europe, what is life experience…? Nosce Te Ipsum is so much greater than that meaningless routine.
So… I have said many times, that I want a new life, without a lot of (bad!!!) publicity. But there’s no other way than to just pack my bags and leave.
If I would have a truly loving family, the process of leaving would go like this:
(Well, okay, actually, the line should have been: “A very special someone wants to do business with me. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Please allow me to *whatever the plan is*.” To which they should have replied: “Yes! I’m so happy for you! *Talks about the contents of the projects, because, as a loving relative, I would have already told you the ins and outs of everything, and this person would have shown genuine interest*”)
But now that they have forbidden me to do business (who the fuck does that!?!!???!!!! More about that is in the first episode of Nosce Te Ipsum), I’ll show you a different best case scenario (that actually already isn’t a best case, since I’ll be “alone” , but anyway…):
Me: “Mom, dad, I have decided to pursue my dreams in the United States. I want to settle there, and from there see the rest of the world, while I focus on developing my talents and doing business, getting to know people (my Cuddles…) all across the globe.” (I’m so used to delivering entire statements… I know there are families where “the youngsters” just say: “Ay, I’m leaving,” and no drama follows.)
“How nice! I love that you’re making your own decisions. When I was your age, I did the same thing. People say it’s “dangerous”, but I’m glad you know that’s just a myth, too. If you need any assistance with your business activities, let me know. We could even fuse our businesses. What state do you want to move to? Of course I’m buying your house. Or do you prefer an apartment? And what car would you like to drive? Maybe we could celebrate the holidays in one of the other countries you want to visit.”
“Aw, dad, that’s so nice of you! Your independent thinking has inspired me to do the same thing. I was thinking, since you’re specialized in IT, you could maybe become part of the holding I want to start… One of the businesses is focused on IT infrastructure, webspace, artificial intelligence and many more technology related things. I already wanted to ask you this, but I thought you wouldn’t want to do it, because you’re older, and I would be the only one with veto rights in the organization… I want to move to Los Angeles. I’d like to move to a quiet neighborhood. The type of house doesn’t really matter to me. I’ve always wanted to drive a matte dark grey Audi RS7… But I don’t want to be a financial burden… It would be nice celebrating Christmas in Egypt, though.”
“I know you want veto rights because you’re the only one overseeing the vision of your business… Etc. Etc. Etc.”
That’s how the conversation would go, in the most ideal situation. I know I wouldn’t be a financial burden. Especially now that my father, next to his many bitcoin generating computers and company tax fraud, wants to get involved in real estate and wants to start a separate N.V. here in Surinam. I’m going to search the translation of N.V. really quick…. It’s an LLC. He wants to start it here, probably it’s for the real estate company, but then he, as usual, doesn’t want the Dutch Tax Agency to know that he’s earning here. That’s why he wants to found the LLC. (“Limited Liability Company”… I think my audience would know what LLC means, right…? (Especially if you’ve just seen me look it up.)) They’ve already been looking at many pieces of ground here. I haven’t gone with. It feels like an insult, since they let me financially bleed to death for so long.
They wouldn’t even let me do business with my “ex-professor” and every time I go outside, they say nonsense like: “Look out for rapists. I hope there won’t be any suicide bombers blah blah. People are crazy blah blah.” They are crazy for indoctrinating me with fear since I was a little kid. Also, they would want to make one of these: “What time will you be home? Where are you going? Who will you be meeting up with?” “agreements” I don’t want to make. Any answer I’ll give will be wrong. For 21 years that has been the case, so I don’t see that change suddenly. Especially when I say: “And my mind is 100% made up, when it comes to never seeing you again.” They thought “I was being crazy” when I broke contact with them for two months. It was a very, very conscious. I only got back in touch with them, because that was my only way to get out of the hospital.
I’m going to sleep now. It’s 00:34 (12:34 AM). Tomorrow, I’ll give this website a big update, “while I study for my test”. I need to hand in a statistics test before Thursday…
Good night, sweetie
– xxx –