Hahahaha it’s been a long time since I’ve taken moments off from writing.
I just handed in the rental car. 21 minutes left until my tram comes.
I’ve never seen a city so quiet in the morning… That’s so chill :D. Is it because it’s Sunday? Usually, when I’m being a tourist somewhere, with my family, we leave the apartment/hotel room, to do things, around 11 or 12 or something.
Something I’ve learnt is that I speak Southern German. The Berliner dialect sounds very different from “my dialect” [I also use words from Dutch and/or English, when I don’t know it in German]. On the one hand, it’s very cool and interesting, but on the other hand, it’s annoying to have a language barrier. That didn’t withheld having a good time with my Cuddle, though :).
I must say that I feel very much at home here. One thing that is becoming urgent, since I have this studio apartment until the 8th, is that I need to get some source of income. I would love to pitch D.O.C.I.S. International for some investors, but, currently, I think that the heat of my personal situation – risking to become homeless – will make the pitch feel too much like it’s all or nothing, which might cause me to suffer from “plankenkoorts”… Literally translated, that is “planks fever”. Figuratively translated, it’s “stage fright”. It doesn’t really apply in this situation, I think, for I know – not speaking from experience – pitching for investors as wearing formal clothing in a cosy room, with a tv screen with charts on it, while you explain how the investor will get his/her money back, using your market research as “facts”.
I would feel more comfortable on a stage with eyes fixed on me, than in a small room with eyes fixed on me.
Some pictures that I hadn’t uploaded yet, in the order from yesterday to today…
I’m going to take a nap now. There’s a lot of sleep to catch up on, after this two-day hang-out with my Cuddle :].
So a few days ago, I mentioned how I wanted to share everything about how I’ve spent those days up to when I came back to being by myself. I’m going to keep it short, because, even though it was very nice, I’m not proud of the way in which I’ve tried to distance myself from the problems I’m currently having, financially and future-wise.
I don’t know if I’m too fast with saying that I made a new friend, but I’m glad to have met someone with such a nice character.
On my birthday, when I was swimming, at some point, a member of staff came to tell me that the pool was about to close. We ended up talking a little, and he invited me over to the spa and wellness center for the day after.
The day after, I went there, around closing time, again. We were all alone in the sauna. He gave me a salt peeling and creamed in my body afterwards. The creaming in ended up in him masturbating me. I couldn’t resist.
When the spa center was closed and we were still there, I told him that I was hungry, and he offered to cycle to a food place nearby to buy me fries and a hamburger. We talked a lot, smoked some and spent the night together.
The day after, after checking in to my apartment, I drove over to his place, for some late lunch. We smoked some again and napped together. Naps being more than just naps… I later made dinner and met some of his friends. In the night, we played some games on his PlayStation 1, I spent the night there and dropped him off at work, after which I handed in my rental car and went back to my apartment.
Something I find hard to communicate through, is that I don’t have intentions of being monogamous with anyone other than Benoît. Only with him, I can move forward, but I’m so afraid to hurt people.
What I need is a friendship in which I don’t put my work on hold, when I’m with this friend. I want us, when we’re together, to co-write and make pictures together and stuff.
I’m now going to shower and wash my hairs. I haven’t had time to shower in three days…
I’ve washed both my natural hair and my wig, unpacked some and made myself dinner:
Tomorrow, I have intentions of going to the library, to work on D. O. C. I. S. and to desperately seek for epiphanies. I have this studio until November 8 and after that I’ll be stuck with this crazy amount of luggage and no roof over my head. For most jobs I can apply for, housing isn’t included. I keep picturing this strange routine, in the first month of work, where I can’t yet afford a place to stay, so after work I wander around and sleep outside. That’s not going to happen. Applying for a job feels not like the right thing to do, for me. This because I don’t intend to stay there for the long term. As soon as I’ve found the right people for D.O.C.I.S. International, I’ll quit the side job. But this finding [or re-uniting] of members can happen at any moment. It could happen after 3 years, but it could happen tomorrow as well. That’s why I don’t want to apply for a job. I don’t feel comfortable with signing a contract, in which I agree with the sacrifice of my free time, for a certain period or “for life”, while, with the right (sudden) engagement in my own business, I could stop attending to my side job right after being hired.
So I’ll be writing D. O. C. I. S. further, tomorrow. I also need to find the right doctor’s office. A problem is, however, the fact that I’m almost completely out of money and I still need to buy new groceries.
I’m going to stop staring into screens for the rest of the day.