11:37 (AM) 

I went to sleep around 4 AM. There are a few tasks left over on my list, still… [It took me quite some time to find a solution to the header and slider overlapping @ the D.O.C.I.S. International website.] 

Luckily I have done all heavy tasks yesterday. I hope I can still start advertising today. This is what’s left for me to do: 

I still added some tasks yesterday…

I might still make an “about Little Fangs” page. One of the two book pages is already almost finished. 

Before I start to market my book, I’d like to have the answers to these questions published in an article [I think writing an interview as an introduction is more fun and more clear]:

17:28 (05:28 PM) 

I’m exhaustedddd haha…. 

This because I still need to make some more buttons:

Https://itunes.apple.com/nl/book/nosce-te-ipsum-i-book-i-episode-1-the-u-s-h-r/id1437660669?l=en&mt=11 

Https://itunes.apple.com/nl/book/the-unpublished-episodes-of-nosce-te-ipsum-i/id1437335344?l=en&mt=11

This because I need better conversation than to talk about some celebrity’s liposuction I do not care much about:

22:16 (10:16 PM) 

I have literally spent all day working on my websites again. I apologize for not having any litty marketing specials on the official release date of my book. I hope that I’ll be done editing my websites before midnight, but the chance is not very high… I’m now editing the “About The Unpublished Episodes of Nosce Te Ipsum” page. 

23:59 (11:59 PM) 

Haha I would take much more time for that amount of pages? Especially with my style of writing. I want it to be like translating Seneca… (Which it is…)

Is it possible to absorb the message of the book, when reading so fast…? 

Meow I’m done writing the long description of The Unpublished Episodes… Almost done adding the button links… 

I want to write a longer description of the first episode, but the episode is so short that I’m afraid of giving away all of the highlights…? This fill-in-the-gap story is waaaaay better…. It’s more of a satiric parody of every e-ve-ryyyyy single Hollywood movie now. Haha :D. 

Ohh by the way, I’ve created a newsletter :].

Ah meow the new slider has a small font on a mobile phone. On a laptop it looks normal…

I’m so tiredd. My head has been hurting for weeks. Just like my stomach. I just had my period today (random¿). I haven’t had that since I stayed in the resort in Enschede. That was in June…? (And now I’m a lot of pregnancy scares later…) Haha this is good news**

What’s chill about having your period almost never, because of being under too much stress since age 11, is that I can swim and have sex whenever I want to. [But that made me learn that one night stands/friends with benefits/whatever regular touchiness are very cringy. The only thing I do when I have sex, is trying to be passionate, while desperately trying to climax, while thinking about Benoît and how much I miss him, hoping that our paths will somehow cross again.]

People say being on your period is an excuse for acting like the definition of showing the most barbarian side of yourself? 

Tomorrow, I’ll finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website. 

I wish I had people I could to this together with, already. “Too bad” most people I know don’t like putting effort in things. 

Is it just me, or do some friendships just die after a few years, because you know all thoughts, beliefs and stories of that person already and it starts to become too predictable and boring? I need new friends… Who like “nerdy” things… And prefer speaking English over speaking Dutch… Where can I find you…? 

It’s 01:47 AM on the first of October now. I start a new blog day when I wake up. Or on the peak of my all-nighter.

It’s funny how, on the one hand, I’m “talking” to my dear audience on this blog, and on the other hand I’m covering my tracks, because a bunch of haters likes to laugh about my struggle. The type of people who want to laugh about misery, because they’re bitter and talentless, could consider me an easy target. I’m very lonely in my being this talented on this age. 

Meow, tomorrow is the Cuddle’s birthday… I have imagined myself emptying out my heart in a wall post. That’s the only way in which I haven’t tried to reach him yet, I think…? If I’m able to write that post in the first place? We couldn’t be Facebook friends for some reason anyway. I never asked why. I only noticed that my request wasn’t accepted… But we were still hanging out in real life and e-mailing, which is what I prefer anyway. (Video chatting would have been nice, too. I don’t like regular phone calls.) 

Why is me wanting to be with him considered a taboo? People assume that it’s for the money. [I have literally been asked this several times.] They don’t see that it’s because my other options are dumb people who say that it’s for the money. I want to do something with my life and seek the same in a partner…. Most people these days are only busy seeking social contact and maintaining the mainstream 9 – 5 routine. I don’t understand how they can’t be depressed as fuck if today you’re going to live a day that is way too fucking similar to the day you’ll live in 10 years? Again, hours of small talk they consider “big talk”, the same job with the same clients on the same spot, travelling the same route, eating the same things…. I’m trying to break the routine and they discourage me and tell me it’s impossible to do that. I wish them all the best in their routine I am not going to allow my project to alter. You might be doing what you like, watching Netflix, on your last day as well. (That’s me saying I’m staying polite to these people, while they’re actually such a clear waste of space and resources. They only bring hate to this world, elaborating on how new concerts and movies are bad, as if they actually have some form of expertise or as if they could do it better. Yes, they’re experts in not doing shit but gazing at moving images all day. Do you know the Allegory of the Cave? In modern times…)

** Me getting my period means a reduction of my stress levels. I’ve had my period three times this year. The first time I met Benoît, in Enschede and right now. I used to hate it, but now I consider it a very comforting thought that those antipsychotics haven’t made me completely infertile. Last year it was only after the morning after pill… In 2015, when this gynaecologist gave me a pill to spark my period and research it, I never got the results, because my grandfather passed away in that same week. I later still didn’t go to the hospital, because it was in the same hospital in which he passed away and I just didn’t want to see the same scene. I vividly remember the day on which he had passed and we were waiting in his hospital room, alongside his lifeless body, for the service to come and pick him up. We waited for hours… It’s one of the most painful memories I have. Especially because – don’t ask me why this crossed my mind at such a young age – from when I was very little, and I would think of a “How sad would I find it if this person were to pass away?” list, he was the number one person who should just die with me, because living without him is so hard… I loved him so much at some age it just became awkward. He has played the father role in my life, if you were to ask me this. The warmth in my character, I have from him. He and Benoît are the only men with that loving character I know. They’re both economists… I know hands down, if my grandfather were still alive, he would have supported me as an entrepreneur. All other snakes in my life are encouraging me to quit. 

I hope my reduction of stress means that I’ll see my Cuddles soon… I don’t like being in this city… I’m absolutely not looking forward to Friday x_x. The family is going to a restaurant for my grandmother’s 82nd birthday. I hope she won’t accuse me of stealing again (dementia)… I don’t look forward to having to find a way to socially last through that evening, listening to and trying to participate in the most shallow conversations in the history of mankind… 

Oh boy I need a hug after writing about my grandfather. I’m in my bed with my two pillows. I’ll be laying my head on the mattress – because the pillows make my neck hurt – and cuddling my pillow, pretending it to be Benoît, who’s all the types of men I miss in my life in one person. 

Good night

xxx