08:58 (AM)

Good morning ♥

How was your night? I hope you slept well and have enjoyable things planned for today.

For me, from the afternoon onwards, things only get worse, it seems. Stress has woken me up early. The prospects of my schedule make me think: “Please take me back to the crisis center,” because of both repetitious verbal therapy sessions and visitors coming over on the weekend, et cetera. All while I wish I could be with my dear Victor.

My wish of wanting to be with him is nothing new. I’ve been mentioning him in my diary since the first time I saw him… (On my first day of work…)
Wanting to seal the eternal is new. I wish I had this idea when I was still working for him… Now I don’t know how I could spend some time with him 🙁 .

Especially because I want to be alone with him, so that I can ask him personal questions and maybe get some innocent hugs and kisses… I wouldn’t know if I’d be able to control myself, though. (Because I feel as though the attraction between us is quite intense?) And I am untamable 😻 . Ah you make me so wet meoww, without even doing something sexual 🙁 . I neeeeeddd to be with you… The way I crave for you is sooooooo intense… I really need to have sex with you oh god please help the little ocean in my panties 🙁 .

And very seriously, I do not want to be in this house on Sunday. Better even from Sunday onwards. Even better even from 12 years ago. To speak my mind and share with the world who I wouldn’t mind living without, and to then casually have dinner with them? Noo man. I have no supporters here. I seriously have nothing to say to my non-supporters and I can’t stand the superficiality in their conversation.

Haha if my unofficial boyfriend were with me, it would be bearable. But still, I would rather not even witness the get-together. And I can’t say “Tyf op uit mijn huis alsjeblieft. Ik betaal je ervoor,” because I do not own this house and I don’t have any money.

Please buy my essay and help me escape this weekend 😿 . You’d help me escape the circle I absolutely do not want to make part of.

[products category=”essays-3″]

If I’d fake going crazy again, I would end up at the closed vicinity. That would save me from gatherings I don’t want to witness, but that wouldn’t save me from therapy sessions I absolutely do not want to have.

I don’t even have money, so I can’t, for example, treat myself with some days at the spa. Ahahahahaha fucking helppp 😿 😿 😿 . My mental CPU is fried… The tension x_x.

In other news: June is going quite well, statistically…

junestats

I’m in bed, as usual, being stressed the fuck out. But I’m going to get up and fry myself some ramen… xxx

By the way, marrying a wealthy, influential older white male – who might be the handsomest on the planet – would be the final addition to my life that would make certain individuals hate me to the fullest. I’m already colored, female, tall, intelligent and ambitious, with an outspoken opinion. I really should add my incredibly good taste in men to this list, so that everyone knows why I deserve a spot over there, living comfortably in the shadows, far away from this proletarian chaos.

And seriously, many middle-aged women will hate me for taking him off the market… I deserve protection…

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19:27 (07:27 PM)

I love it when a situation turns out better than I expect it to be. The conversation I had with the person handling my case and the experience expert she invited over, was very comfortable. Nothing about antipsychotics and being accused of being in the wrong and stuff. Very nice! She even said that the conclusion could be that there is nothing to diagnose 🙂 . I could also level with the experience expert very well. I’m also very interested in the concept of being an experience expert. I think I could become an expert on many things 🙂 . And it would solve my issue of not having a fixed income…

For my second opinion, I think it’s best to pay “The Therapist” [he’s a celeb meowww. You can check him on Vice (a TV channel) 🙂 ] a new visit, but this time arrange meeting up with him myself. From what he has told me about his own emotional perspective, I think I can have a conversation about my controllable bloodlust with him. I do wonder what DSM definition suits that, though my feelings are very controllable. I’m really not trying to give myself a new DSM stamp. I’m so glad my case manager told me the same thing! That’s a relief.

All I need is someone to talk to, who doesn’t want to force his/her will upon me. So I’m glad I could empty out my heart at my case manager and experience expert, today. I’m sure I’ll be able to level with “The Therapist”, too. I’ll contact his assistant after the weekend. My parents have used him as their therapist, too – on my medical record, so he already knows my situation at home. That saves a lot of explaining 🙂 . And he is Surinamese, too, which again saves a lot of explaining 🙂 . Truthfully, I would love to record my conversation with him! I think it would be a great Fangy debut of myself 😋 . Especially if I’d wear a strait jacket! 😂 😂 😂

Other positive news is that I finally signed the documents sent to me by het Centraal Boekhuis :). (I’m planning on doing international shipping manually…) Soon, other stores will be able to resell my books in both tangible and intangible formats, and I will also sell a little selection of books that are not written by me. I hope I’ll be selling your book :). I hope they have books that were originally written in Latin, in their assortiment… I want to be selling Letters from a Stoic 😻 . My registration was a little impulsive…

Haha by the way, my case mananger asked me if I have any other contacts for my case. I wish I could say: “Yes! Victishe, my husband.” (It would be funny to give his office number, which is the only number I have of him 😂 . (I’m far too afraid of rejection, so I don’t call 🙁 . But I still want a Cishe… 😿 )) Meow I should maybe genuinely ask for his perspective, though, because I’ve been a killer employee and then became crazy traumatized from all of those demonic clients…. And now I’m a house Catje 😀 . (Trying to make some internet money…)

I’m waiting for my sushi to be delivered (I received some sushi money from my father), as my parents are out partying with my “uncle”. I’m thinking of recording myself while I edit my websites. Still need to finish https://docis.international

It’s now 20:13 and my sushi was just delivered 🙂 . I’ll just record myself while eating ahahahahaha. Just feel like talking meoww…

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