Online Diary

Operation Sunnyhoes Day 2 [Monday, August 26, 2019]

Gooood morning โ™ฅ


Operation Sunnyhoes continues. I can’t quit it with my body in need like this (even if it’s just some kissing), even though it’s not easy doing this from the isolation my family cohort is, in which I’m isolated in my thoughts. Chances to randomly chat up someone when I’m anywhere is practically impossible in between the “Let’s go here,” “Let’s sit here,” “This person/they think(s) that…” “Look at those people there.” (And then I feel embarrassed.) I’m very used to it, though, so “no big deal”… ๐Ÿ™‚

How life would be different if the outside world were more approachable to me and if I were more aporoachable, I often wonder. I hope that by moving to Antwerp, I will be able to feel it.

I worry too much about the impression I make to be my actual self, when I like you, though. But when we are used to being around each other, that worry fades.

I have some pictures to share:

We spotted flamingoes yesterday ๐Ÿ˜€ โ™ฅ

The reason why I post very infrequently… Internet slow est. ๐Ÿ™

Heyyays ๐Ÿ™‚ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ โ™ฅ

Today, I’m going to another beach (leaving here in a few hours) and in the evening to a casino with my (favorite :x) aunt. ๐Ÿ™‚

Right now I’m going to eat some. My sister fried an egg for me. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥ So I’ll see you later xxx


Updated 11:01 (AM) [GMT -4]


Mood Beach

Heyy I’m at Mood Beach now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Public private beach sight

Leaving some room so you can come and lay here comfortably. ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

Cheeeeers ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

In reality that space was there because I left some for my mother. I’m here with my sister, parents and two cousins from Suriname.

Versnaperingen. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s a really chill beach. ๐Ÿ™‚

I just swam some.

An attempt of spotting lil fishes with that snorkeling mask. But I didn’t get enough air in it and later it got full of water so… 😂

After that, I swam some more.

Now I’m back here to reveal you another layer of Operation Sunnyhoes:

The Sunny Side of Operation Sunnyhoes

Operation Sunnyhoes allows me to not beat around the bush. Against all (non-officially-stated-ish) rules of professionalism, I want to both do business and get no-strings-attached kissy with you. Without doing anything low-key. Now my intentions are very clear.

Though I wouldn’t mind being monogamous with anyone mature and about 1.5 times my height, I’d rather be able to get the best of everyone. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am – happy to have found a word for it – so very sapiosexual and would like to be as open as possible about this. Are there conventions for that yet?

Plus in this way there is enough space in my fantasies for both Victishe anddd Catthierry! 😻 Wish I could make that more than just a fantasy haha meowww. Ahahahhahaha 😏 😂

Meoow I’m going to a casino tonight (I believe “Princess”). Hoping to spot some Catjes. 😻

Some random pics:
On the first day of my stay here, I shared a random moving picture or road rails. Here is the same view during daylight.

It is a classic sight! ๐Ÿ˜€

Here colonial houses are colorful. ๐Ÿ™‚

๐Ÿ˜€ ♥

I am number oneee ๐Ÿ™‚


Updated 17:51 (05:51 PM) [GMT -4]
Marie Pampoen

Yays we’re leaving for the casino around nine. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow we’re going to a (or theยฟ) beach at Jan Thiel. On Wednesday, we’re going jetskiing and out for dinner at Tony Romas. On Thursday, we’re going on a little jeep safari and boat tour, plus it will be the first day of the Curacao North Sea Jazz Festival. On Friday, it’s the second day of the Jazz Festival. And on Saturday, my sister and I are going home. Such fun activities. ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll be soapy showering and then napping for about an hour. xxx

– xxx –

Updated 19:00 (07:00 PM) [GMT -4]

The featured image is made by Na Urchin from Pexels

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My loveeeee โ™ฅ

I’m back yays ๐Ÿ˜€

My days of being absent here are over now, because… The D.O.C.I.S. Store (opens in new tab) is now open for pre-orders! ๐Ÿ˜€

The reason why it is open for pre-orders – and not real orders yet – is that the online configuration of the store and the Book Club are done, but I need to be home to process the orders, and I’m going on a little holiday today. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meooow I’ve been working quite hard in the last few weeks… Developing my lil online empire, searching for an apartment, watching my grandmother’s house as it is being renovated, going to the gym with a friend of mine, psychotherapy sessions (with emphasis on high intelligence) in Amsterdam every week and writing some blog posts in between.

But now I’ll be chilling for a while. And hopefully see orders and subscriptions pouring in… 😻 I hope all of this work was not for nothing…

And I’ll be taking you with me, on my journey to sunny Curacao. ๐Ÿ˜€

Random pictures

Haha I was packing today and decided to check out and see how the t-shirt dress I bought today would look together with a mix of two colors of lipstick… You have not seen my face since Egmond? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

I think it’s yays. ๐Ÿ™‚ I wish I weren’t single. ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyway meoowww I will be sharing a lot more things with you. (A lot more things except details of who is signing up et cetera of course because that is a type of privacy even an online diary has to respect. I love keeping professional secrets. ๐Ÿ™‚ )

de buitenvrouw zwagerman

Like that this is what I’ll be reading before I re-read 1984

But after my lil powernap… We’re going to start driving at like 7 AM and now it’s past 04:30 AM… I was making sure that my store is finished (though I still want to add a lot more things to the assortment… At least it functions properly, the front page has had a make over, all legal documents are up to date, et cetera…) I really can’t wait until the online community environment I’ve created is in use!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Your voice is important ๐Ÿ™‚

Ah the idea that we could be voting and sharing thoughts with newly made international friends, and doing projects together and stuff… I reallyyy hope you will sign up!

Meowww I’ll be napping… xxxxxxxx


Updated 04:38 (AM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

Good morning ๐Ÿ™‚ ♥

How was your night?


Mine was veryyy short, but my sleep itself was comfortable.

I’m already in airplane mode though, hehe:

Zzzzzz ahahaha

That shopping bag in the back of the picture is what our family friends in Amsterdam will be given along with two cars to keep in front of the house to save parking costs.

Had I already shared that I have changed the policy for the Book Club in such a way that now both Online members and Full members can be authors for The Fangs? ๐Ÿ˜€

Hmmm by the way, the last few times I was on a long trip from home, I shared everything here and all went well. I don’t want to jinx it but I just want to share this… ๐Ÿ˜€

Meoow I’m going to put this phone away. I have a flight of near 10 hours ahead of me…

Meanwhile I’m at the check-in.

Hehe I downloaded Doom for the Nintendo Switch last night. ๐Ÿ˜€ #Graeynissis

Speaking of Graeynissis… You should really read the post written by Graeynissis, on The Fangs. (Opens in new tab.)

Ah and this flight will be one with one of the last 737’s, I heard… (Tense…)

See you later. ♥


Updated 09:26 (AM) [GMT +2]



I’m still in the Netherlands, because we missed our flight. I misread our ticket and assumed 10:55 – our flight time – was the time of our gate closing. In hindsight, it was very clearly written on my boarding pass I hadn’t read ๐Ÿ™ :

Oops x_x

Our before-flight list of tasks was: buying shag (father), buying books/magazines (mother) and eating something (sister and I)/having coffee (mother).

I thought they call names through the intercom when passengers are late, but by the time we arrived at the gate, they were already taking our luggage out of the plane. My father could have gotten on it, still, because he wasn’t eating or having coffee at an airport restaurant…

Yes, the reason why we were late x_x

“Relax, they’re not leaving without us (and I assumed 10:55),” was what I said right before he advanced ahead and my sister and I were still eating.

My mother, sister and I arrived at the gate in the middle of a debate about why we should still go on board. We’ve been in situations like this often enough to know how everyone responds. My father fights his anger as he debates about why things should go his way, my mother is in light panic and defends my father, my sister and I respond quite neutrally.

After the stewardess who still got on board received a sarcastic “Enjoy your flight. Letting us get on that plane is quicker than taking our luggage out,” I tried to save the flight personnel from a further escalation, asking what the usual procedure is when one misses a flight. There was another flight leaving in about two hours later, and we had to go to a certain desk to rebook our flight.

At that desk, we were too late to get tickets for the other flight, so now we’re flying tomorrow…

This will now forever be a thing. “Quadruple check your boarding time.”

Meowww I’m going to have some dinner and then share what else is and has been on my mind…


Updated 20:20 (08:20 PM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

A Feeling that is Hard to Describe

When we were told that we were not allowed to get on the plane anymore, and everything thus went a lot different than I had expected it to go, my brain entered this “slow motion observer mode” state. Observing the situation and seeing what the best quick solution is.

And meanwhile, I also thought of how small the chance of ending up in that situation was, because about 6 weeks ago, I wasn’t even planning to accompany my family to Curacao. It were my intentions to stay home while they were there, because I considered that something that suits the word “holiday” better. But when my mother told me of how my sister does not like to travel by plane alone – for she has school and my parents want to stay for a week longer – I somehow let myself be talked into this holiday. I’ve found peace in it, looking forward to enjoy tropical nature, nice weather (for more comfortable clothing (because dresses are the ultimate yays to me)), live music and a different crowd.

But when it comes to the tension in this family, I think I have reached my max. Ever since all that happened in 2017, our situation has already been more tense than usual.

I already barely have something to talk about with them, aside from the tension, our past and some regular anecdotes. And now with this “we missed our flight for no reason and that cost my father โ‚ฌ700” situation on top of that, plus the rest of the family (from Suriname and the Netherlands) waiting in Curacao (we will be staying in my aunt’s holiday apartment there, with a group of 11 people)… Ugh, meow… x_x.

Guess what our topic of conversation will be when we arrive. (Plus my suitcase is already there and my aunt’s suitcase will fly along with us tomorrow…)

In “slow motion observer mode”, I thought: “God, I want to be alone. And I want to relax. My brain still needs to decompress from working on my business with very little sleep or rest. I really wish that I had my apartment in Antwerp (anywhere abroad, honestly) already. Though I see no way to accomplish that anytime soon… We can’t not go to Curacao, because it is impossible to decompress if we suddenly don’t go at all anymore.” I’m really glad that we can still go. Now I appreciate the holiday even more than before.

It is my intention to decompress, there. Though, honestly, I don’t know how to do that. Gaming, exercising, writing, making music and even talking are very pressuring activities to me, because I always feel the need to make it “the best thing I have ever done”.

Swimming is very relaxing to me, especially from the way it feels and how much I love the sound of water, so much that I find it hard to get out of the pool or sea when my body is starting to tremble from fatigue.

The D.O.C.I.S. Store

And though decompression is my aim, I still want to finish my “Evolving individualism in the 9 – 5 economy” essay, write my wikipedia pages (for D.O.C.I.S. International, “Lil Fangs” and The D.O.C.I.S. Book Club… Plus actually also Fangyism and Project Nosce Te Ipsum, but I don’t see those topics get accepted into the encyclopedia…) and practice some mathematics… Plus maybe still work on The D.O.C.I.S. Store some more. But putting effort in that last thing might be wasted energy…

I should be marketing my store and my book club. But I can’t, for I need my last money for stock management in case people decide to order books and/or sign up for the book store.

My prices are calculated in such a way that every purchase is also an investment in a various range of process components (packaging material, personalized gifts, books in stock, D.O.C.I.S. editions (hardcovers with an introduction written by me), web development (mobile apps, desktop apps, marketing, the development of my programming language called Scorpio…) et cetera… ๐Ÿ˜€ )

But to market The D.O.C.I.S. Store with its odd pricing sounds like something I shouldn’t be doing. Also, I’m aiming for a specific kind of audience, so I don’t want to attract too much attention with something that is not fully established yet (as in I’m doing everything by myself and the Book Club does not have any members yet (for I am “Graeynissis”). I’m looking for people who don’t need much further explanation, so that I can form a sample group with them and use material of D.O.C.I.S. International in (interactive) practice as marketing material.

So that when they see what we are doing, they want to join in, too, and understand it. But I have nothing to prognosticate anything D.O.C.I.S. International’s future related with. I need a miracle…

Meoow I wish I had an investor. ๐Ÿ™

The next update I’ll probably share when I’m in Curacao, hoping to have some yays for us. (Though mild yays because I feel the strong need to be alone for a while, or be with a Graeyniss… Also because I feel sooo kissy… Why is Victishe so hard to get? ๐Ÿ™ Any cat Graeyniss is hard to get. ๐Ÿ™ )

See you in less than 24 hours! Hopefully with the yaysss. (Hopefully spotting you anywhere. I’d like to hang out with someone who is my mental age (666).) ♥

By means of not pressurizing myself anymore, I’ll be laying in bed while staring at the ceiling, instead of working on the assortment (adding my own books to it… Haha hadn’t even done that x_x).


Updated 23:55 (11:55 PM) [GMT +2]
Capelle aan den IJssel

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Heyyy ♥

Hehe according to my schedule, I should actually be working on some legal documents right now, but I reallyyy want to share what was on my mind last night, as I was trying to make my thoughts enter sleep mode.

Sexy Pajama Party

I had this fantasy of being at “a” festival, where everyone can just be themselves without having to behave politically correct and stuff. As I was walking from one stage to another, I spotted Catthierry.
As usual, I was overwhelmed by “How should I behave?”-questions. But different from usual, I decided to be my touchy and open self, instead of trying my best to keep my distance and not speak of emotion.
In the assumption that he remembers me, I greeted him with a friendly hug and started the conversation off with a “Kom je hier vaker?”, as we secluded ourselves from familiar faces. In our conversation I was touchy the way I want to be when I have a conversation with someone. From my most emotional layer of self, I shared that I ran away from our last (and first) conversation because him handing me my business card made me want to cry. Like I always try to befriend Graeynissis and you always run away from me. ๐Ÿ™ We have such similar characters that I can’t consider anyone else a friend the way I consider a Graeyniss my friend on sight. And that I have a lot of respect for the way he copes with the fucking dumb people he has to debate against. Plus that I hope that my touchiness is not disturbing to him, but that I assume this is not because I noticed hella sexual tension between us, though I respect his relationship and therefore am just a touchy friend.

We later run into Marcatje and I share with them my hypothesis that Cathierry and Marcatje actually have very similar views, but that Catthierry argues from a revolutionary point of view and Marcatje argues from a point of view that takes other people and their interests into consideration as well, even when they are not similar to his. And that I’m certain that in my Book Club I can get them to reach a consensus.

~Fast forward because I’m losing time~

The next day, at some big concert, I spot Victishe. I tell my relatives with whom I’m visiting the festival that I’ll see them later, maneuver myself through the crowd and wrap myself around him, hugging him without even having said hello. He (to my great surprise) wraps his arms around me. (Not caring about the eyes on us because everyone is crazy intoxicated anyway.)
He lowers himself to be able to hear me. I cover his opposite ear with my hand and put my other hand on his shoulder, as I apologize for my early informality, which was not meant as disrespect, but done with the idea that formality creates distance and I do not want any distance between us, my lips nearly touching his ears. Him, too, I ask if he “comes hier vaker”.
Our conversation is fun, we run into Catthierry, Marcatje and even more Graeynissis. Then we suddenly were like “Ay let’s ditch this party,” and head over to someone’s trippy large house to continue our party there.

When I have awesome visions of things like this, I always ask myself: “Could this become reality?” My conclusion is no, because, even if we’d say that we’ll all fly to the Netherlands on Monday and that my sister and I will thus stay a little longer and go home by private plane, my father would never allow us to do that… (That is my most heavyweight reason why no haha.)

But Seriously thooo

I haven’t even started to imagine what Curacao can be like yet… I don’t know who is going to North Sea Jazz Curacao? I hope YOU are!!! ๐Ÿ˜€ I really hope that I’m your favorite author and that you’ll greet me when you see me, even when I’m with my family. Because I’ll be with my family all of the time. But I’ll definitely bring along a stack of business cards and hope that I can get some people excited for my book club and/or buying books in The D.O.C.I.S. Store and/or investing in D.O.C.I.S. International.

I really look forward to it. ๐Ÿ˜€ I hope I can buy some new clothes before going there because my clothing kinda sucks haha…

Apartment Hunting

Meoow last night I also saw that I haven’t been selected for that one apartment that was yays, with the little office and balcony and stuff. It, again, overwhelmed me with “Why is The Universe doing this to me? ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ” type of thoughts. But honestly, I hope that I’ll be refused for the other apartment as well, because it’s impossible to ship packages from there.

To stay in hotels and/or drive from Capelle to Antwerp very frequently is also mission impossible, if I want to ship these books out in time.

So strategically, I hope that before September 23rd I’ll already be selling way over my maximum capacity, so that I have no other choice but – within The D.O.C.I.S. Network – seek for investors and have the numbers from the first month as proof that you’ll surely earn back more than you give me. And then buy a mansion somewhere hahaha. And donate some stacks to the creators of my WordPress themes and plugins… Especially because I’m breaking some rules (mentioned that before). x_x

Meowww I’ll be writing legal documents xxxxx

P.S.: What I do makes that I am master of most disciplines enough, except mathematics, evident, right?
P.P.S.: Meow I didn’t mention that I haven’t had sex in sooooo long that I feel like I could throw myself at anyone, but simultaneously try to think like the way I would think if I were sexually satisfied instead of unsatisfied, though I don’t even know what that feels like (anymore), which is all making me way overthink the way I express affection and attraction, as well as the way I express myself in general. As in if I weren’t craving for physical intimacy, I’d still be touchy, but the touchiness would have a more neutral influence on me.
P.P.P.S.: Haha the last time I travelled overseas was when I was attempting to escape my life. Now I wonder what going through customs with my family will be like ahahahaha.

Featured image by Marko Blazevic on Pexels.com

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Peace and Quiet [Monday, July 22, 2019]

The coming two weeks I’ve been looking forward to. Some peace and quiet. 😻

We’ll be relaxing in a quiet coastal area, away from the business of the city. In a simple Dutch holiday cottage. 10 minutes away from the beach (a less touristic one ๐Ÿ™‚ ) by bicycle.

During packing

I was thinking “Will this fit?”

And it did ๐Ÿ™‚ . I always take all of my notebooks with me when I travel…

I haven’t been there in at least 10 years! I’ve been told the home has been modernized. It’s the holiday home of friends of my mother I’ve spent a lot of time with when I was little.

Maps street view screenshot of where I learnt how to ride a bicycle

This is the parking lot there, which is also where I learnt how to ride a bicycle without training wheels when I was about 3 years old

Today, before my mother, sister and I leave (solar panels will be placed at home today so my father is coming tomorrow), I’ll show you my neighborhood’s closed sluice tunnel doors. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t remember having seen them closed before, so that will be a new sight for us both. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meowss I slept until about 10 PM yesterday, after which I ate and packed. Today I need to file my taxes before we leave! (Reminder-to-self. (There’s not much to report at all lol *cries*.))

I hope to find much more words of encouragement the coming days. I find the things I’ve been hearing, seeing and reading quite very discouraging (especially random advice quote tweets oh my god it’s so depressinggg what am I even doing on Twitter). So I’m telling myself what I need to hear without any limitations. That’s to make a long story short.

We’ll (yes that includes you my Catje ๐Ÿ™‚
I’m taking your mind along on my “holiday” ♥ ) be relaxing. Catching up on sleep, cycling through nature, chill at the beach, make some pretty pictures and nice videos (I’m taking my camera and tripod), cook some nice dinners, game some, and more. ๐Ÿ™‚

I might also work on the D.O.C.I.S. Store, our book club and the D.O.C.I.S. International website while I’m there… I’m taking my laptop along…….. That’s quite stressful to me, but I really want those things finished (especially before my lectures start). I might also start to freshen up my maths there…

But calm yays. ๐Ÿ˜€ I really hope you’ll actually come and visit me while I’m there. My family will be there some days – mainly on the weekends. I’ll be there alone for quite a few days.

Ah meow it would be so cool if you’d come to spend some time with me there. It would be such great fun to cycle through the coastal nature, cook together, take a long walk on the beach and drink my favorite type of brandy. 😻
It would be so sexy to do that with Victishe. 😻 Or someone like him, character wise. That’s you, my meow! We’re friends right. 😏

Cheers to the coming days (if we don’t count nature’s odd and quite alarming behavior). ๐Ÿ˜€

See you later my Catje ♥

Updated 01:52 (AM) [Timezone UTC +2 (Amsterdam)]


Heyss ♥

Meoow we haven’t left Capelle yet. ๐Ÿ™ The intention to leave at 2 PM today isn’t in sync with my sister’s hangout schedule. So we’ll probably leave in the evening. Which is also fine. Teenagers. 💁 We’re all in holiday mode. ๐Ÿ™‚

Meanwhile I’ve taken a moment to enroll in all courses for my first year as a mathematics student at the University of Antwerp. I’m such a nerd lol. (Mind you that clicking it will influence your phone’s agenda but I don’t know exactly how because I’m pasting it here so that I can open it on my phone.) Here’s the link to my study schedule: webcal://sisaroosters.uantwerpen.be/prod/8f53657d088a48949aea2fcbea4995a6/basic.ics . I’m pasting it here because this is far cooler than sending an e-mail to myself (because Microsoft laptop and Google phone) and meoooww I share everything with you. ๐Ÿ˜€ ♥ Ahahahaha it seems like I’ll only have time for mathematics (especially because officially I’m an alpha student and this is a beta course so my brain will be stimulated in a way it isn’t often stimulated) and nothing else from September onwards, but I’ll have all January off. ๐Ÿ™‚ Combining this with my other endeavors will be quite something. But I look forward to sharing what I learn here. ๐Ÿ™‚

Very calming news is that my parents are willing to pay my tuition and (a part of) my rent. And I didn’t even have to beg for it. Or even ask for it. That’s such yays. ๐Ÿ˜€ Then I’ll worry about my finances sooo much less because now I’ll have so much more financial breathing space through the year.

I’m going to visit the closed sluice tunnel now to share the view of it with you. ๐Ÿ™‚ After that we’ll be doing some grocery shopping for the holiday home and then we’ll be on our way to peace and quiet. I’ll be back in a few. xxx

Updated 17:05 (05:05 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]


Meoow apparently the construction workers still open the sluice tunnel for pedestrians after their work hours. Then I’ll show us what it looks like after our beach days yays.

My mother and I have just finished grocery shopping. Now she’s going to get takeout near my grandmother (her mother)’s house (plentyyyyy of options) and I’m at my grandmother’s to put her luggage in the car. (Such teamwork meoww. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) She’s also coming along for a few days. Family beach chillings ayy haha. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now – when the takeout is prepared – we’re going back home to eat and load the car.

This will be holiday 1/2. We’re also going to Curaรงao and this time going there we’ll also do fun things like jetski-ish things yay. 😻

Updated 19:51 (07:51 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]


We’re on our way. 😻 It’s about 1,5 hour from Capelle (by car).

Grocery shopping included getting some Primark shades. My prescription shades were in a bag of mine that was stolen. To get new ones I should get a better insurance package, for which I need a higher income blah blah ramble ramble.

Look at these cool โ‚ฌ5 shades. ๐Ÿ˜€ Meoww I’m loving them.

I couldn’t see that the sticker was on it when I took the picture though haha. 😅

The feeling of happiness has been embracing my heart all day. ๐Ÿ™‚ The long-term I have ahead of me seems to be going in the direction I want it to go in. With the financial support of my mother/parents, I can live alone from September onwards, with no worries. 😻 The fresh start I neeeed yayayay. 😻 I’m happy my mother is supporting me and convincing my father. ♥

My blog is such a random place when it comes to the collection of my expressions of heartache. It’s not nice of me. ๐Ÿ™
But it’s a non-permanent image of emotional self-development we’ll be able to laugh about when I’m old, grey and Graey looool. I can’t wait until I’m the one who people will reach out to with “Please collaborate with me” e-mails, instead of me being that Catje who chases Graeynissis. One day I will be chased meoww.

We’re almost there now. ๐Ÿ™‚

Updated 23:10 (11:10 PM) [Timezone UTC +2 (CEST) (Amsterdam)]


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Grapefruit [Thursday, June 6, 2019]

13:48 (01:48 PM)

Good afternoon ๐Ÿ™‚

I just finished my first “meal” of the day: a selection of fruit I feel in the mood for, from the fruit basket downstairs.

Grapefruit, een nectarine, een “gold” kiwi en een banaan ๐Ÿ™‚

Now I’m back in my bed… It’s a sunny day, so I’d like to go outside, but my bank accounts are maxed out and I’m not in the mood to walk in the park by myself.

Plus, I have no idea where my house keys are? I didn’t take them with me, when I went to the crisis center. I now can’t go to the gym either, because my membership token is attached to it. In the past, my parents have confiscated my house key every time I distanced myself from them, so I really wonder where they are, now that they’re not in the regular places.

When it comes to my thoughts of getting married and moving on from all of this shit; not having a key is not even that bad. If I take all of my belongings with me [including my sisterยฟ] on my way out and never return, what do I need the keys for?

I need someone who is lonely, too, who I could cuddle with ๐Ÿ™ . Look at my view:

They’re closed because I don’t feel like putting clothes on (ever again lol)

I want to cuddle meoww but meoww I guess I should think of how I want my business website to look and work on that, sitting in the “backyard”. I’d rather spend time with my Vicje, though… Meooow my hearttttt….. I don’t know how to get this Catje all to myself… ๐Ÿ™

Does anyone have any tips? Please let me know, by placing a comment… 😏

Please, buy my essay and support my independent living and plans for societal reform… 😏

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16:12 (04:12 PM)

I’m losing ittt

I hope that my Vicje would agree with me that those women attacking this other Catje, in the video in my tweet, are fucking dumb bitches… There is no way spending 1000 billion euros to renovate the fucking ugly houses in this country should be done by the state. That is not a fucking climate measure!?!? How much of that money will be used to buy new cars and shit!?!?

As the next ruling generation, I say that that 1000 billion euros for this “climate measure” is unnacceptable! If the houses here are of too much shit quality, just fucking bomb the place and let the dykes flood. Then nature will be back in balance and no one will be disturbed by fucking dumb bitches like that anymore!!!!!

Haha meow my opinion is always very outspoken… I’m laying here, contemplating whether I’d be a suitable wife for Victor… I mean with the whole schizophrenia thing and wanting to start a revolution and being power hungry and stuff… Life will be full of excitement and wild(ly impulsive) experiences, with me. That’s for certain! That is what Graeynissis need, right? I think we are an absolutely perfect match! 😻

How about crowns instead of wedding rings? I’m Queen Fangs meowww…
Haha meow I don’t want to make you go broke because of all of the things I still want to do in life…

Like holding that 24 hour benefit, making a movie, consituting my own country, having my own TV channel, having my own lifestyle line, et cetera… Please marry meee I want someone sexy by my side at all times! 😻 My King Vicje… 😻 Let’s throw Willie off his throne so that that 1000 billion climate bullshit doesn’t go through!

Will you be my loyal knight in shining armour? 😻 I also want to be the queen of Sipaliwini, aside from the Netherlands… And that of California 😻 I have too many ideas for global reform yooo I wouldn’t be able to do that now, if I’d marry someone of my own age (probably watching fucking Netflix all day)… So Vicje pleaseeeยฟ 😻

I hope he hasn’t found a new flame yettt… Or just cut that off real quick ๐Ÿ˜€ . Come to my house? ๐Ÿ˜€ Ah meoww the ceiling isn’t that high though and I’m in bed pet mode… But I want to seeee youuu ah meoww…


17:34 (05:34 PM)

And when I say married I mean onder gemeenschap van goederen with the full name change and everything! 😻
Ik wil het liefst zelfs een derde naam: Lucy (van lux fero…).

Meooow het idee van ons samen is nu zoo erg in mijn hoofd geprent dat ik echt hoop dat dit onze nieuwe realiteit zal worden! 😻

I really hope and even think that Victor is receiving the sound signals from my reasoning in person. This because the first time I spoke to him, I was standing sooo close to him (fighting myself not to touch him). Then, on my way to the next time, I told myself not to stand so close to him, because it might seem odd. But then the next time talking to him, I was standing almost inside him when speaking to him, again, and when I noticed this, in true silence, we took a step back from each other, EXACTLY at the same time!!! Meooow I soo hope it’s true! 😻

Ahaha I don’t want to think of anything elseeeee! Especially not of psychiatry ah meoww the quest for a truly independent second opinion is so dreadful… I wish I could cuddle my Vicje and cook for him and stuff… 😻 If we get together, I would not feel dragged down by my medical record anymore!


19:47 (07:47 PM)

Meooow time is passing by… Tomorrow is getting closer. I want that psychiatric surveillance off my back. That’s why I kind of feel like stopping time. What is there to discuss for me, with a nurse from the “early intervention for psychoses” team? Nothing. But my parents want me to fuck up my medical record further, so that no one listens to me anymore, when I say that the circle I was born in is no good. My mother has already contacted a clinic in Belgium. The problem is that they should hear my side of the story before hers, because she always describes me as a first class lunatic.

If I’d have a good distraction – sex, good conversations, people I can do business with – I would not feel depressed as fuck.

I need someone I can do business with… I need Cishes from my Victishe 😻 . He has the full package… 😻

He is hands down the handsomest man I have ever seen… And he is smart as well 😻 .

And I would, of course, be the absolute perfect housewife! Getting involved in everything he does, giving my perspective on every business decision he shares with me (I hope it will be all of them ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I’ll also be his little (side-)advocate (because he certainly is his own advocate), telling those fucking awful clients of him, who get agressive over not receiving a Mercedes for paying a โ‚ฌ15 premium, dat ze echt de tyfus kunnen krijgen en ik hoop dat ze zich de volgende keer doodrijden. (In case you wonder why I’m not part of the summer staff anymore: that is why 😂 . And I’m not up for superficial conversations with colleagues either. #PTSD)

Haha if I’d get a euro for every time one of those peasants told me “Ik wil de directeur spreken,” I would be able to buy him myself 😂 . They should really not speak of my Vicje like that… 😾 Same goes for personnel. I still feel like crying, from their response to those “Thinking about you” cards and chocolates. I love that creativity and would literally kill to receive that. Fuck this place, man.

We should just replace everything by D.O.C.I.S. International and replace the Netherlands by water. That will definitely cool off the planet!

I don’t feel like discussing the contents of my blog with any psychiatry related individual who wants me to take antipsychotics… I don’t want tomorrow to happen meoow save me ๐Ÿ™ .


23:42 (11:42 PM)

I’m such a random catje for suddenly hyping the thought of marriage. I needed time to realize that this could be the best decision we’d ever make.

Though I still don’t even know if it’s mutual, because my business e-mail address is blocked ๐Ÿ™ . But my personal one isn’t. Now I wonder if that’s because it was forgotten to be blocked, or because I may only reach out to this sexy Catje for personal things? Of course, that is my preference? I didn’t even know that that was an option ๐Ÿ™ . There are many Graeyniss things I still want and need to learn, my Graeyniss… Please teach me 😻 .

Ugh tomorrowww ๐Ÿ™ . It feels like when I just started this diary, all over again. Marriage seriously is the only way out of this awful vicious cycle. And it’s a good cure for the chronic loneliness I’ve been suffering from for years… Plus it would give me hope for a better future and stuff…

I would love to not live alone anymore. Alone in the context of having no one I can level with, while coming across both familiar and new faces every day… (Mentioning it here every time would be painful…)

I really want a new life and a new circle, so if I’d get married, that would mean that I wouldn’t even let the majority of people from my circle know. They already treat me as if the real me doesn’t exist anymore, so, to them, I’d definitively be gone, just like that. Fuck saying goodbye…

It’s what I desire… I have so many (more) burdens, I don’t want to bother my Victishe with this ๐Ÿ™ . But I really need the help of a true Graeyniss, to start over. I really want him to be that person ♥.

Because how to cause the shift, I wouldn’t know. I can’t even get myself out of psychiatric surveillance for good… And I know there are plenty of people who don’t want me to get married. Those who tell me about all of the horrors of marriage, since I was a child, for example, who want me to be their fraud accountant.

I know I would be damn good at it, but I’d rather do good and stay on the right path. Plus they have been making such stupid financial decisions… And I don’t even know how many stupid financial decisions they have made in my name, when I was a child.
That’s why I’d love to be saying: “My husband has a Law degree 😻 .” And that’s why I want to fully distance myself from the life I’ve had from here in the region of Rotterdam. Mijn hemel wat een stad zeg…

My feelings have become extreme overnight. We should really go on a date, my Vicje 😻 . But the type of date after which I move into your house straight after…? I would absolutely love that 😂 .

In reality, I’m going to sleep in a bit, feeling a bit frustrated because I’ve become this psychiatric puppet again. After so much effort to escape it. I was trying to initiate a court case, not be forced to take antipsychotics again…

Meoww I miss you, my Victishe ๐Ÿ™ . I hope you’ll somehow cuddle me 😿

Good night ♥


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