15:45 (03:45 PM)

Meoww I have some news for you, but no definitive news yet, unfortunately. The pro and contra camps have been defined further.

I was invited to lunch and had one of the best one-sided sandwiches I’ve ever had:

“Broodje Jofel”

The reason was to tell me that the phone conversation has been postponed and to say that my e-mails have scared off my B so much that he’s now more scared off? I haven’t read the message in which he told my mother this, because she kept reiterating that I should stop sending him e-mails, because that was, according to her, what he has told her.

If I read another e-mail about him mailing things about me to her, I’d just feel like mailing him more. And it would hurt me so much if I’d read those words – even though it could have also never been said, or be a misinterpretation. So I have chosen not to read the message he sent to her and wait for when he (phone) calls her from his office… I don’t understand why she doesn’t propose to meet him in person right away, like we both proposed.

The rest of our conversation was – just like the rest of them in the past two years – about “what if” situations, regarding my connection with him.

The discussion of the past two years, is, sad but true, basically: “Why aren’t B and I BFF’s, if we can communicate with brain-to-brain communication”. The conclusion of my insanity has been drawn, without any confirmation of him. In the past two years, I’ve been keeping my foot down about that that conclusion can’t be drawn, without his official statement. They’ve ignored that, the case has been closed and I’ve lived my life stigmatized as a schizophrenic. But after 1001 “family conversations” where they speculate about how he feels about this, I’ve typed an e-mail for my mother to send him, requesting to solve this problem once and for all.

Contra – not my side – is all about “what if he says that he wants nothing to do with you at all”. A big theme in our lunch conversation.

As long as he still wants to take the time to go over my entire case and seek for a solution, that can’t be assumed, I believe.

If that’s how he feels, then he could have also e-mailed my mother to tell her that both her and I should stop messaging him and that we should both leave him alone for all eternity, instead of meeting to talk in person et cetera. Of course, it’s something I do keep in the back of my head, because as long as he hasn’t confirmed either pro or contra, anything is possible.

Pro – only I – is basically “my family (mainly my mother and her husband, in this case) are not open to this supernatural ability and will get us in trouble with police and psychiatry again, if he confirms it, which is why he doesn’t”.

Look at all that has happened to me, when I (was obliged by them to) out(ed) my sense perceptions. He is an adult with a serious career and a family, so he really can’t even risk to undergo the same shit.

My mother et alia claim that they will be fully open, tolerant, et cetera, when he possibly outs that he can hear me reason and always knows my true feelings and whereabouts. But I really wonder if they would still claim the same thing, if they find out that the ability goes as far as that he can feel it, too, when I touch myself. (Not that I’d ever encourage him to share that, but still…) I really doubt that they would say “Sure, go ahead and make a world trip with him,” – which is something they do not even expect the slightest bit in the first place – if they hear both of us claim that our souls are literally intertwined, instead of just me claiming that all by myself (for the past two years). Then why on earth portray him as a kidnapper in the first place…

I believe that his distance is strategic self-defense. That he might be waiting until I have – like I’ve always wanted, either with or without him – distanced myself from those who have damaged our reputation and might continue to do so, so that we can develop the rest of our endeavor in private.

But now that many people claim that I’m a schizophrenic, they feel the need to “care for me”, lecture me on life (fucking annoying, because their (proletarian) “wisdom” is very fucking useless to me), keep me close to them and ask me for favors. It’s hard to get them out of my life, and my desire to distance myself from them is regarded as a symptom. It’s not a fucking symptom.

I just want to be seen as and treated like the person who I really am. It’s clear that I need to move to another country to get anywhere near accomplishing that. Or at least surround myself with people who can see that I’m not a schizophrenic, but very supernatural. If only I could be with my Graeynissis there ๐Ÿ™ .

So now they’ll talk on the phone like tomorrow or something? Meoow I just want to see him in person ๐Ÿ™ . Maybe even hug him, if I may… But the distance my mother keeps by wanting to discuss this over the phone – oh yes she told me that I can’t be given his phone number, with the risk of me sending him messages on there, but I haven’t read his message and I know she doesn’t want me to have him in my life anyway, so I’m not sure if it’s true, and hearing that was so painful that I really didn’t dare to look at the message, especially with my tachycardia and literal heartache – team contra has a great advantage.

Tonight my mother, father (??? I now don’t know if he’s my father or not. I don’t think so, especially because of the fact that I look quite mulatto, but they keep denying it), sister and I are going out for dinner. They should just invite my B to come along x_x. Instead of mailing to arrange a phone conversation to arrange a meeting in person.

Aah meow I feel so alone x_x. I’m going to continue writing xxx


23:16 (11:16 PM)

Meoww dinner was tasty. In my favorite restaurant in Rotterdam: Langoest ๐Ÿ™‚ . I try something new every time I go there and love it every time.

1/2 lobster


5 cheeses ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to continue writing a little and then head to beddd xxx