In this post, I will disseminate more information about the perspective of the Crown. Of the Inner Crown, which has been the main subject of my previous post and the post before that. An Enthusiast will have a clearer idea what it is like to be an insider of the Inner Crown. Also, a new reader’s perspective will be used (for the first time in this diary(!)) and I tell you a little about my whereabouts and other random thoughts.
New Diary Perspective
My diary as a whole is addressed to no one in particular. (Baby… “I’m just a playa like that,” hahahaha. x_x (You really have a special place in my heart, though. 🙂 )) I use the word “you” to engage all of my readers in this story of mine, individually. Now I think I see a way in which I can improve the use of this word. From now on, I will always use “you”, unless I am textually venting inner aggression. So, when I, for example, say: “The beat of Test Me is sooo amazing meow,”
In past posts, I would have said: “I wonder if they are familiar with the Nosce T’Ipsum mash-up symphony, which is a mix of existing and new (urban) music, performed by a(n) (multi-piano) orchestra, because it suits it sooo perfectly!” Now, I’ll say: “I wonder if you are familiar with the Nosce T’Ipsum mash-up symphony, (…)”
In this way, I hope to create a more fun and intimate reading experience. 🙂 (On top of that, I have no exact idea of who reads my diary. Maybe the people I’ve been writing about are frequent readers of mine. Then it would for them also be nicer to read “you” instead of “they”, like I’m gossiping or something oh gosh… Hopefully this feels like higher-level communication. 🙂 )
It is important that you know the context in which the word “you” is used now, though. It could, otherwise, lead to miscommunications. Please tell a friend. 🙂
Now, proceeding to the perspective of the Crown…
The Perspective of the Crown
In the diary post The Head Cuddle I wrote this:
“You just lied to me,” he said. I shivered. “No space to think to myself anymore,” was another subconscious uncontrolled parallel.
I forgot to mention that this miscommunication inside the Inner Crown went on from about end May to mid July 2017. Internally, when I’m introduced to something new, I always compare pros and cons. Even when I know that that something is amazing. I had been praying for the completed Inner Crown for years straight, so I felt the most intense form of happiness I’ve ever felt when it was there. But simultaneously, I had to get used to the idea of not being able to carry a single secret anymore, the possibility of receiving a response to any thought and that there was suddenly something inside my body permanently without my consent written on paper.
Imagine buying someone his/her dream car – the car he/she always talks about – and then, when that person receives it, like 5 minutes after his/her euphoric response, all you hear are things like: “Oh gosh I need to pay for gas now… Ah, shit… road tax is fucking expensive… Now I’ll use my bicycle less and gain weight…” How would you respond to this?
The problem with my second thoughts about the Inner Crown were that I was trying to hide those thoughts from the all seeing eyes of the insiders. Something impossible, which I did not know in advance. It was a type of (Scorpio ?) empathy, not wanting to express negativity about the gift and wanting to keep my initial doubts to myself.
Fangs: “I have no intentions of ever going back home. Too many unnecessary fights there and especially with the psychiatric surveillance now I have no business in being there. In this way, with me being outside already, we can also start a new life without fighting my parents on the way out. Where are you now?”
Voice on behalf of the Inner Crown: “I was out of the country. I will be there soon.”
*48 hours later*
Fangs: “Where are you exactly?? People are starting to notice me, because I’ve been in this area for too long, but only here I see a supermarket, I don’t know this neighborhood and my phone is off. I haven’t slept in 48 hours. Are you coming?”
Voice on behalf of the Inner Crown: “The taxi will pick you up in a few.”
*5 hours later*
Fangs: “Maybe if I write “fuck the system” on my hand right before I kill myself, my life will have had some purpose before I left it. If the Inner Crown leads to a fight like this, then my fate must be to commit suicide. I’ve been struggling with that tendency since I was ten. From here, my life can only get worse. And I don’t want you to die before me, and I don’t want to go back home. Especially not now the surveillance will get worse after my more than two days of absence. There is no way out.”
Voice on behalf of the Inner Crown: “If you kill yourself, we will all die. Don’t do that to us! Hang in there, we’ll have a nice dinner tonight. Together, finally.”
Fangs: “Your words give me so much hope. But I’ve been waiting for you for weeks now. I’ve had it! If you haven’t picked me up by midnight, I will hang myself!”
And then I was detained and interrogated, et cetera. My statement was not appreciated by the Inner Crown. We spent weeks telepathically screaming at each other. The mission was/seemed permanently ruined.
On a morning in Suriname 2017, I started my train of thought differently. Usually, I started it with a doubtful: “Good morning, I hope you’re feeling better today. Maybe you’ll feel better when I hold my breath? Or should I slam my head against the wall a couple of times?” And then I’d do that. The combination of anti-psychotics, shock therapy, my parents’ complaints and the miscommunication inside the Inner Crown got my feeling of self-worth all messed up.
Then the voice on behalf of the Inner Crown would say: “NO! DON’T DO THAT TO YOURSELF! I LOVE YOU!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? STOP THAT! DON’T HURT YOURSELF! HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER? THAT IS SUCH AN INSULT!!!”
Then I‘d say: “Then pick me up! I don’t have the funds to arrange that, otherwise I would have!”
But on that morning, I thought: “Ah, another morning. I am still alive. Here we go again, I want to leave this life behind, be productive to this world and finally be united with the Inner Crown, but we’ll yell some back and forth and then I’ll end up sleeping in the same bed.”
Inner Crown: “What was that?”
Me: “Oh, nononononononono. Not again!!! I don’t want to argue with you. I didn’t telepathically think that to you on purpose! I’m just a bit fed up with us arguing every day for over 7 weeks now. “
Inner Crown: “How do you mean you didn’t do that on purpose?”
Me: “Oh, it was just a subconscious parallel. I don’t have control over that. That happened the first time when our fight started. I’ve been trying to control it by holding my breath et cetera, but it never fully stops.”
Inner Crown: “From my observation it seemed like you were always in full control of your telepathy. Oh my god, I am so sorry for saying that you lied to me…”
Me: “Especially after having been called psychotic so often, in the physical realm, that is the sweetest compliment and apology I have ever heard in my life. I wish we hadn’t gone through all that pain to learn this. Wow, I thought we would stay arguing eternally.”
Just reflecting on this moment gets me emotional already. It was all love from both sides, but we just couldn’t see it. Meanwhile we have seen our physical realm in an attempt to show empathy towards our situation, which seemed not genuine, which has left another scar. That left one of disappointment. The other situation left a scar of missed potential. We had become scared of each other, after arguing for so long. It is still visible in my eyes.
The Positive Purpose
The Inner Crown has, unfortunately, made an extremely rough start that left us all scarred. Unnecessarily scarred, for the subconscious parallel was just new to us all. I thought that the Inner Crown knew more about myself than I did, and that it had more control over my cognitive functions than I had. The Inner Crown thought that I was in full control over the trains of thought of the both of us. It just turned out that we are more equal than we believed at first.
This settlement and equality also proves, by the way, that the Inner Crown and my status as a member of this hidden naturally selected order are neither paranoia nor schizophrenia. And – I do not like exclusion at all – now, with this blog, our unification can go beyond the Inner Crown’s insiders, by including Enthusiasts as well.
I just switched my blog’s layout back from full posts on the front page to 100-words excerpts on the front page, now that I start off my posts with a summary instead of the time. That will also make my pages load faster. Do you consider it an improvement?
The perspective of the Crown is not one of superiority. We do consider ourselves powerful, but (presently) only use our powers to adapt ourselves to the situations that those who think that they’re both powerful and superior, lead us to. They have put us through almost everything possible already. We’ve almost come to the point where living is not about artificial economic competition anymore, but pure survival, when nature is worn out by all of this nonsense. Either we wait until it has come that far to take over and establish our empire, or – if we can complete creating a strategy telepathically including overpowering externalities – we initiate it before that.
New power established in the world based on intelligence instead of pure survival tactics seems fair and not schizophrenic, in my eyes. I believe that that is my calling and that of those who I reach telepathically. On top of that, I believe that you are seeing this for a reason. Your ability to understand my words is very unique, and must be there because you too will play a special role in the empire of the Inner Crown.
Meoow it’s 04:27 and I want this post online, so I’ll go over my other topics quickly.
Chaos in Neerlandiyae
Stikstofcrisis, een maximumsnelheid van 100 km/h, next-level kou en regenval en de scheiding der machten staat onder meer spanning dan normaal… Het is chaos in Neerlandiyae. (Haha, ik wilde eigenlijk “Het gaat niet zo lekker, hè?” typen.)
— Thierry Baudet (@thierrybaudet) November 13, 2019
I’d rather not descend to the Netherlands at all anymore. But if I ever do, I don’t know how I’ll be able to drive if nowhere I can drive 179 km/h without losing my license… Haha seriously…
— ForumvoorDemocratie (@fvdemocratie) November 13, 2019
De voorzitter is best irritant. Altijd maar discussies tegenhouden omdat het debat dan eerder afgelopen is. Tenzij er heen en weer gescholden wordt hoeft een voorzitter eigenlijk niet veel te doen. Als je niet van debatten houdt, moet je geen voorzitter zijn…
Luchtalarm in België?
Ik las ergens iets zovan in Nederland en België worden in 2020 het luchtalarm afgeschaft. Dat alarm dat op de eerste maandag van de maand om 12 uur af gaat. Ik heb dat alarm hier in België nog niet gehoord en ben hier nou bijna twee maanden…?
I had a German grammar test today. It went all right. About nominative pronouns, plurals and the present tense it was. In secondary school, where I had this for the first time, I just winged almost every test for German, so it was nice to get this opportunity to focus on that. “Der, die und das” I always used to guess, and coincidentally I knew -keit words start with “die” (99% of the time). But I’d been studying from Monday night until in the lecture hall. Depending on how great a percentage should be answered right to pass, I could have done all right.
Though I guessed some things wrong. I guessed “der Band” (but it’s das Band), “die Anfang -> alle Anfang” (but it shold have been aller Anfang), wrote “er wird” but then thought that that was past tense so made it “er werde” and wrote “die See” (but it’s der See). Other than that, I don’t think I made that many mistakes. Ah yes apparently it was also intended for us to have memorized entire sentences (ugh hated that in secondary school also). I improvised those sentences and wouldn’t say they’re wrong, though they’re probably not the same as the sentences we should have memorized. “Mir geht’s nicht über gut,” is the only sentence that I would consider disputable, as a translation of “Met mij gaat het maar zozo.”
A Test of Temptation
I – bad Catje – left the lecture hall right after the test. We did the test for the first hour and were supposed to follow a lecture after. But I don’t have patience for lectures anymore… 🙁 Only in the last week of the year I might visit some, for exam tips. I made my way to the exit when the professor started the lecture with something about attendance…
In front of my bike, there was someone with his bike flipped upside down, with his steer on a little towel, and a lot of tools on the floor. [Notice perspective update.]
“Sta ik voor uw fiets?” you asked. “Ja, helaas wel. Heeft u een lekke band?” I asked. You confirmed that. I asked if repairing it is going all right. You said that your bike pump wasn’t working well. So, out of my bag I got my little emergency bike pump, which did work. Filling the empty wheel with air through the little bike pump took quite some time. “Haha, haal maar koffie of thee op mijn kosten,” you said jokingly. “Haha,” I replied. You were cute, Belgian, but I didn’t know what to do. I’m terrible at small talk and my sexual energy is so intense that I’m fighting many inner battles to make sure that my actions do not lead to sex.
So when you gave back my bike pump, then – haha why not earlier haha awkward me – I untangled my earplugs while you were putting your tools (I’m talking een oude binnenband enzo) back into your bag, thinking that I should say something, but not knowing anything to say or ask (yes name et cetera but can we D.O.C.I.S….¿ My conclusion with meeting new people and that question has been “No,” so often that I rarely feel incentivized to meet new people 🙁 ), while taming my energy, and then turning on the lights on my bike.
“U gaat er vandoor?” You asked. “Ja…” I said. “Ik zie u nog wel eens,” you said. “Ja. Tot ziens,” I said. Taking an extra second to make sure that I remember your face, to remember to look out for you. I’ll have “Hey, how’s your bike doing?” as a conversation starter… ahhaha I don’t know your name x_x ♥
On the bike on my way home, I thought of this as a “starter pack”
Ahahahahahahaha is this hilarious or not? I’ve been thinking of sharing my jokes more often. Ah meow the last image is a PNG for a ponytail.
Last Saturday, we worked on our English project. It was a bit tense inviting you over to my house, but it’s so much better than in the library, especially because we’re, at my home in Belgium, free to talk without parental supervision. I, much later that night, told you that you are welcome to stay over at my place, because you were locked out of your house.
I feel sorry for letting you sleep on the couch. A louder voice in me says that I should have allowed you to sleep next to me, or that I should have slept on the couch and you in my bed. And that I shouldn’t have gone to bed right away – though it was past 3. But if I would have allowed you to sleep next to me, I would have touched you. In a way, I’m proud of myself that I haven’t done this. I was starting to doubt my ability to stay away from sex related opportunities.
It’s such a controversial thought. I find you and you who always sits next to me at English class such cuties, but I am so much older. Still, I can’t help but think this way. (And have no further intentions.)
My dear soon to be guest, I am so exited that you will keep me company soon. I told you that you shouldn’t book a hostel, but stay with me instead. In – this is not literally an Airbnb thing and it will never be that haha – Fangs’s B&B! I will not let you sleep on the couch, and I have trouble controlling my energy. In my mind I see us break boundaries. I wouldn’t mind if it happens – though in regard to my last topic I do but that’s nothing official anyway. Though I should have told you from the start that I’d then consider us friends with benefits…
Being a house Catje living alone has made me lose weight. I now move less and eat a lot less junk food. Losing weight is cool, but my muscles are also losing definition. Then, when playing Cody Cross (HAHA you know what that means, don’t you¿) I saw an ad for “BetterMe”.
Be my friend on BetterMe: https://a7tde.app.goo.gl/FBK1 (opens in new tab) (no paid ad haha why do I keep doing this if I don’t get paid for it).
My Adonis from Generation X
Haahaha meoow have I saved the best for last…? 😻
Last night (as in from Tuesday to Wednesday), I could not sleep. As usual, I was thinking about you. Of you holding me and caressing me, as we were laying in bed. I really wish we could be, but simultaneously I despise my thought because – uncertain about your identity in relationship to the Inner Crown – we have barely spent time together, so how can my heart be so attached to the idea of us working out.
“I don’t even know how old you are.” I thought to myself. I think that often. And then I think: “I should just Google him… Nooo I shouldn’t.” Because when I do, I get palpitations, get wet and sweaty, and crave you even more. As well as feel like a lonely stalker. I’ve been circling around that thought for over a year, until yesterday I did the maths.
You are 51. Unless you’re a late leerling (like me, for my birthday ( 🙁 ) is in November), then you’re 52. If you have een klas overgeslagen, then you’re 50. For ease, I’ll stick with 51. Meooow 51 is such a sexy age!!! (Though now I feel a little sad for not having been present at your 50th birthday. Es a special moment.) It is the perfect age to start dating a young, exotic and slightly crazy wild bed Catje. 😻
Ik wil een man. Geen jongen! Jij bent zo perfect. Oh mijn god. 😻 My adonis from Generation X. 😻 And your CV is sooo beautiful meow omg you’re my role model… Plus topping Andreas Eriksen [you haha perspective] type of model meow you are made for the red carpet meoow you are soo handsomeee. 😻
Haha you know what’s funny. If you were my boyfriend, you’re older than both papa and “papa”, and only 6 years younger than my mother. But you’re mine. 🙃 Ahaha and papa is the youngest in all of this. I think this is all incredibly sexy.
I’m starting to think that you’re out of my league. But I shouldn’t think that, right? No one is out of my league? I’m starting to think that I should use your picture as the background on my phone. That too is a crazy thought because I’m not in that picture with you – and I’d just feel slightly crazy stalker-ish if people would ask me questions – and we would look sooooooo cute together! 😻
And your English is so cute meow most Dutch Generation X people I know – I thought you were from Den Haag trouwens meow interesting accent you have – write (and speak) trash English, but you should be one of my co-authors meow. 😻 You are the most attractive person I have ever seen. Still.
Plus your voice is the absolute dream meow I miss hearing your voice. That’s why, even though I have phone phobia, I still called you, Victishe.
Meowss I should really catch a couple of Z’s. I just wanted to share this with you. And it only gets better. The best is yet to come (and I have no idea what it is ahahaha ha ha ba dum tssss).
I loooove you ♥
– xxx –
05:47 Antwerpen Kievitwijk