This is not about just one topic. [Friday, November 8, 2019]

A wide range of topics is ready to be touched on now that an update of the present context of my writing has been laid out in my most recent previous posts. The context in which an opinion/perspective is given defines a great part of the opinion/perspective itself, I think. With my context defined, I hope I can state clearer perspectives and opinions. To all of the short thoughts that have popped up in my mind recently, of which I thought “Ah yes I should share this on my blog,” I would like to devote this post. Like anything Fangs related, this is not about just one topic. 

My love,

Most of the things I wish to share with you come to mind when I am surrounded by others, wanting to share the (newly) surfaced thought, but then keeping silent because of the feeling that my view will not be related to. I have noticed that when people cannot relate to my words and/or actions, they tend to start a verbal offense, defending what is the correct way in their eyes, reiterating their view until I – regardless if I agree or not – say that they are right and I was wrong.

I’m quite tired of that, so I often save my thoughts for my favorite moment of the day, namely writing my thoughts to you. (Fictive listener whose mind is exactly the same as mine, who actually might be real existing people.) This is not about just one topic, so, after this personal introduction, let me arrange the topics from least personal (in terms of the extent to which I am the subject of the topic) to most personal.

Grondwettelijk Hof

Yesterday, I was reading my corporate law module. What I love about that course subject the most is that the entire legal system, both national and international, are broken down in that course. It does not solely focus on corporations.

Quite a random question arose when I was reading about het Grondwettelijk Hof ( = Constitutional Court). Het Grondwettelijk Hof monitors whether the jurisdiction of the governing legal entities of Belgium (the federal state, “the government of the” commonalties and “the government of the” regions) is divided equally and whether they act in compliance with the constitution. (If I understood it correctly…)

Now I read that after a case by het Grondwettelijk Hof, the constitution may be revised. But only after a case. (Or when, of course, a member of parliament or someone similar is able to pass a law.) So if a member of het Grondwettelijk Hof notices something in the constitution that should be different or obsolete, he/she can only suggest change after it has turned into a court case? It’s a one in a million kind of situation. And I don’t know if I’m interpreting it correctly. And regardless of this, I love the way Belgium its legal system is composed.

Haha this is about something I need to pass an exam for and I’ve said something like “I’m not sure if I’m doing this correctly,” twice. I’ll get back to that. This is not about just one topic after all. 🙂

Catthierry

Some time ago, I said that political disagreements were tiring me and that I should not stand alongside people who plead “that foreigners should stay out”. Though that is how most people interpret it, while it is actually that people from abroad should only be allowed citizenship when they come to that country for a specific purpose (and not just for welfare) and that they should adapt to the national culture of the country they move to as their primary culture.

To me that seems quite fair, still, but it won’t resonate with those who believe that “Everyone should have everything”. And – a way in which I do question the view I just called “fair” – there is no specific guideline on what should be considered culture. Should a foreign person adapt to this as Belgian culture? (opens in new tab) I think not. It concerns me that the mayor defends that display of discrimination under “freedom of speech” (which it is not because it is plain offensive) and especially when it is not admitted that it was very uncomfortable and offensive, the parade should not be on the UNESCO list anymore.

Should foreign people who moved to the Netherlands dress up as zwarte piet by means of adapting to their new primary culture? I think not.

First I thought I should stay away from this debate – especially because most colored people (including myself) born in western societies consider themselves foreigners even though they are not. But (not only do I – certainly without a TV and stuff – feel like I have no clue of what is going on in society) it is still the political view that is the most similar to my personal view. So I’ve refollowed Catthierry recently. And president Trump as I typed the previous sentence.

Post-Colonial Representation

Still for me personally (and probably others as well but it doesn’t seem that common because otherwise there would be someone…), I would feel the most comfortable supporting an “(alt-)right” colored person with a native Dutch nationality and a post-colonial background. But there are, as far as I know, no Surinamese or Antillean people in the Dutch House of Representatives. While in the past, there were quite some of them. That is a huge concern to me. If no one does it then I might have to do it myself. (To be able to fully support something without having second thoughts, I should do it myself anyway.) Ah unstoppable concern meow what are my fellow colored people doing? 🙁

Medical Record

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to call my former case manager for copies of my records in regard to their false diagnosis that has played a great role in the traumatic turn my life had taken in 2017. I really can’t let people put me through such a hell without any consequences. Especially because they were sooo convinced about me being a schizophrenic. So much that they had the audacity to laugh at my words. My blood still boils when I get flashbacks of this part of my past at least once a day.

Furthermore, there is still something up with my heart and the brain-to-brain conversation has never been the same since we had that fight, of which I still do not know the full consequences. Yep this probably sounds like it’s strange that I fiercely disagree with the schizophrenia misdiagnosis, but there seriously is something supernatural going on which must some day be elucidated. My question is when. The burning question probably has a long answer. To receive information through this medium, I need to depressurize my brain, but since the fight I can only do that for a very short amount of time. We still have so many things do discuss. 🙁 Honestly, I want to talk about this so much more, but… Noo no more psychiatry related buts. I will devote tomorrow’s post to this. 🙂

School Performance

I dropped out of Erasmus University after three months. While I had been selected for a very special program. A program that, in comparison to that I am doing now, was far easier. Still, it seems to be going much better here. That is not influenced by just one topic.

The exams are in January, so that is when I can make definitive statements. But when it comes to preparation, I’m doing better than ever. In my entire life. The type of study planning I do now is what I usually do about 1 – 2 weeks before the test. And before those 1 – 2 weeks I spend my time hanging out with people.

Sex

That I’m single now plays, in the context of focus on school, a great role as well. I used to put my boyfriend before my studies. I’d spend time with him instead of staying alone and studying. Studying when he was around was something I wasn’t good at. I’d just be gazing at the book, trying to make sense of the words, while all I could think of was sex. Most of the time I should have spent studying, I spent having (greattt) sex with my ex-boyfriend. My own decision.

But now I’ve changed my attitude for the better. Though I’m following an alternative study schedule because I switched courses after the year had already started and thus started off behind on most subjects, I think I’ll do better than usual. Not right now, though. In the sense that right now, the aim of my study schedule is that I’ve seen all of the course material at least once, and that I’ve used a marker to highlight the core of the course material. So that when I’m done reading everything, I can make a summary and practice old exams comfortably. So that around the first week of December, I can start writing summaries and attending lectures again for some exam tips.

Because I started later – and I still don’t have my books for accounting – it’s still not optimal, and the line between failure and success is still very thin (because let’s say I take longer than expected to make a summary, then I’ll still struggle at the exam. But I write fast so I hope to make it). I also don’t know what my exam schedule will look like. Because now, my focus is on multiple subjects a day. I hope that in the exam period, my exams will not be right after each other, but that there will be free days in between them so that I can spent multiple days focusing on just one subject. If that’s the case, I have a much higher chance of succeeding.

Snacks and Sodas

Mostly, I drink water and tea. When (Surinamese) ginger ale or passion fruit syrup are at my disposal, I drink that. Once in a while I drink cola. I’ve been eating Snickers when I feel like I’m about to faint from sugar imbalance and hunger. Now, since last weekend, I have a lot of bottles of cola, sprite et cetera I usually don’t drink. And bags of chips I often do not eat. But a few days ago I’ve started to consume them because over time the fizz will go out and they’ll go overdue and I’m, unfortunately, not throwing any parties any time soon. Need to find friends first.

This Feeling

[Relatable?] The feeling of feeling emotionally heavy or something. So emotionally full that empty. There’s no one word that describes it (though I’d say un-cuddle (and maybe depression suffices)). All my life I’ve felt like this. Sometimes the feeling is very prevalent and sometimes it’s less. In social situations I tend to hide how I feel, or physically show it but don’t mention it (don’t like to be called a liar for hiding my feelings). Sometimes, when I’m in bed alone and I have time to spend hours in bed alone and pretend like nothing else matters, I love the feeling, but mostly I hate it.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling. To prevent it taking further a hold of me, I tend to keep away from those who make the feeling worse for me. But as long as I’m alone and as long as my plans for societal reform stay just plans, the feeling will stay. (And “accepting that my life will stay this emptiness” is not an option. I want my name in the history books meow.)

Here’s how I pictured starting D.O.C.I.S. International:  “Fangs”: Tuesday, June 5, 2018.

Here’s how I wanted to die on January 1st: Tuesday, January 1, 2019.

Shifting in and out of that feeling, while attempting to make it vanish and make my purpose count. I try many ways. It’s that everything requires an insane amount of effort – effort most people aren’t even able to put in anything – with 0 results. But patiently, I will continue to wait until I find like-minded people.

My life has so many painful memories and this diary is quite a vivid projection of it. This can’t be for nothing, though. Let me end this a little more positive. This is not about just one topic anyway.

Scorpio Month

I love November so much! (I know the Scorpio sign – my zodiac – does not cover November from start to finish, but let’s keep it simple.) Not because it’s my birthday “party” month – nooo – but because of the influence it has on my body. My senses seem sharper, I feel way more fangy and my eyes seem to have a brighter shade. And doesn’t “November” just sound hella sexy? I seriously love November – also for how it is the transition to cuddlier seasons – and really wish I could make this November count. Like the past couple of years my birthday is a set of bad toxic memories, but may this month bring me something positive as well. May it bring everyone something positive. 🙂 I love my sign, how ferocious it might be, for its passion and determination.

Today:

Last night:

Throwback to when I was a cashier and bought this after almost every shift. I’m happy I only worked 1 – 2 shifts per week haha.

After making pancakes today:

They’ve been here for some weeks and it seemed like I wouldn’t consume them any time soon, so I’ll let these apples ferment for 2 weeks to then have home made apple cider vinegar. 🙂

Haha if I wouldn’t have had this blog, I’d have finished my study schedule by now. But I’ve not spoken a single word all day and I really need to express myself. Meoow I crave your attention because I love you so much. And the colder seasons are coming up meow my semi-nudistity (lol) will require companionship to bear the cold. 🙁 I hope this message finds you in good health.

Cuddle? 😀

This is not about just one topic. This is not about just one topic. This is not about just one topic. This is not about just one topic. This is not about just one topic.

But I do love you a lot. 🙂 You must have noticed…

– xxx –

21:07 Antwerpen Kievitwijk [GMT +1]