00:43 (12:43 PM) 

Meow 😻 β™₯

Haha change of plans

They’re quite filling πŸ™‚

Pascale bought me two six-packs of them ♥ . I prefer to not have to leave my bed, when I’m tired and hungry at the same time. 

I don’t know what I should do now that I have something exciting and new obligations, while my body pains are increasing further. It’s now not only my back anymore. It’s my full torso :'( . I totally forgot that the increasing pain got to its peak within 72 hours, the last time I was hospitalized. Now, the pain makes me shake. Shake in the sense that I keep trying to adjust my posture to a position in which my body hurts less, but simultaneously, I think of how laying foetus position is not good for my WirbelsΓ€ule πŸ™ . And then I try to straighten my posture and the pain increases again. 

I do nottt want to go to a Dutch hospital for this. The last time was so traumatizing :'( . 

Without a diagnosis, they put me on the drip, first with something called NHCL or something… Some random fluid that I actually didn’t want in my body πŸ™ . Then they put antibiotics on the drip, but it some point it made my hand swell up, SO AFTER FUCKING BEGGING AND PLEADING AND SENDING MAILS AND SHIT they took that fucking needle out of MY HAND. I PLAY THE PIANO :'( . I was given soooo many painkillers. The first painkiller they gave me, I needed to take with a stomach protection pill. I then asked for a pill that could not fuck up my stomach. I had taken tramadol twice before [in a combination with weed… With my wild(ly talented) ex boyfriend Andrew]. The painkillers didn’t do anything against the increasing pain. When they transferred me to the psychiatric ward and they later called me to say that the cause of that pain was chlamydia [what the actual fuuuck I feel it in my kidneys sooo…], they gave me two large antibiotics pills – which first weren’t allowed in the ward, so I HAD TO FUCKING PLEAD AGAIN – and I stepped away from hospital food and cooked for myself in the ward. I was then, still, barely able to walk, but I shoved myself to the supermarket regularly. [AND THEN THEY CALLED ME A SCHIZOPHRENIC THERE, TOO. THE NERVE!! THEY CAN’T EVEN FUCKING COOK X_X.] I showered sitting in a chair. Even the water hurt my back. It was a stressful period – especially with wild patients those doctors called like-minded people for me – but it was nice to be away from my parents fucking ranting about me after work every fucking single day.

I think the cold increases the pain… I’m hot and cold all of the time. I’m laying in bed with warm leggings, a t-shirt AND a fucking thick sweater [the red one I bought in Germany]. Underneath the sheets… Yet still sometimes I feel cold… πŸ™  

If you’d touch my kidney area right now, I would accidentally fang you, because it hurts soo much. Just like my stomach. It’s getting hard to bed pet πŸ™ . I don’t want to die alone in my sleep. Please cuddle me to sleep πŸ™ . I love you so much, just being with you – and thus having to worry less about my success in the future – would take away so much pain πŸ™ . 

Last time, in the hospital, I asked for my B. I didn’t want to see those whose words inflict pain on me. 

Oh, how I got the job, by the way: after my Graeyniss left, I spoke to the person who was standing next to him, about that I have a lot of time free and “I’m looking for an occupation” [it’s actually “I need money”]. He introduced me to his colleague, who I have to call tomorrow to arrange how we’ll take care of things HR-wise. I hope I can take care of it via the internet…

When I was standing there, it still seemed feasible, health wise, to work for a month and then use that to visit doctor Cuddle in Germany. Oh, I mean Thomas 😻 . But now, if I were to truly listen to my body, I can’t even chill with my cousin [Jermaine πŸ™‚ β™₯ ] tomorrow πŸ™ . I don’t want to miss out on my first time in a studio :'( .

What to do…? πŸ™ I’m really not going back to that regular hospital. I want to die of old age or from suicide and not from shit medication. I want to know what I have πŸ™ . But they’re going to not want to go the extra mile for me with the type of insurance I have, like they’ve done so often already πŸ™ . Since there is a lot of medical examination that needs to be done [a full body one and not a less than half body one], I need to find a really good doctor and pleaseee a really good sick bed. The sick beds I’ve laid in were cold and hard, with a pillow that made my neck hurt :'( .

Has anyone seen my B? I want a cuddle… Ah, he’s a free B from Friday onwards, I believe…? Cuddle? πŸ™

I’m going to eat these cookies and attempt to rest.

Love me? πŸ™



11:08 (AM) 

Good morning 💕

I’m glad that I feel better than last night.

About the new function, I haven’t really been saying much, but I think that – if that’s all I can do with the amount of diplomas and certificates I have – it might be the function with the noble cause I wanted. When I applied for my previous function, too, I wanted to be the helping hand who guarantees you that everything will be all right and who you can share your feelings with.

The clientΓ¨le (customer base) of my previous function were people who were impatient and agressive and my role related to the final step of getting home safe. Often people had already lost their patience even before it was my turn to help them. I hope that with this one, I’ll more be able to console and comfort people, like I want to.

Yes, I type a lot in caps lock and stuff on here – because I have the right to vent, too πŸ™ – but when it comes to real life professionality, it’s like all of those emotions of mine don’t exist. I’ve experienced a lot, so I’ll be able to relate to a lot of things my clients will be going through at the moment they need my assistance. Also, my knowledge on health related things is quite broad, so I’ll be the one of a kind employee I always am πŸ™‚ .

I hope I’ll be able to reach my colleague and that whatever I’m going through myself won’t affect my further application process. Haha I reallyyy need the moneyy… I need a new MRI, I want to do something that makes me feel more useful – proletarians will respect me more when I have something I earn from – and I’m still on this D.O.C.I.S. International path, which includes emigrating, at some point… But it’s cool to be able to work there and to not have to make university assignments at the same time, so I’ll have a lot more real free time, compared to last time… Last time, it was 40 hours of work and officially 24 hours of school per week. But I did it with something like 7 hours of school per week, on average.

Haha noo this is not the logical way to tackle things, with my health in this state and all of the hopes and dreams I have for my own business, but financially, this is basically my only choice. Yes, “my father” earns so much that he could almost give me my salary as pocket money and give me back 40 hours of my life per week, plus not let me bleed to death financially, but he wants me to live a proletarian life.

The pain is there, making me able to walk less good than yesterday – then it was also fucked up – but it’s not making me shake the way I did last night, right now. The mucus formation I’m dealing with is worse than yesterday. I’m thinking of going fruit shopping at the Turkish supermarket, before I head over to my cousin. I’m excited πŸ˜€ . I’m going to try to reach my colleague again, maybe take a little nap before I head over to the mini mall from here to pick up the package I ordered and buy some fruit, and then later head over to my cousin’s school.

In the meantime, I’ll probably still come back here to talk to you πŸ™‚ β™₯


14:45 (02:45 PM) 

Heey what the un-meow πŸ™ . This “colleague” called me, saying that HR really needs a copy of my passport, instead of a print-out from the government website – which was what we agreed onΒΏΒΏΒΏ – because it’s for such a short period. That’s such a weird argument to not let me work πŸ™ . So I asked her that if I’m able to send her a copy of the two sides of my passport [on my phone, I only have a picture of the front, but they also need the back side, because that’s where my personal identification number can be found [just like on the website of the government, which was what we agreed on before… I seriously already put the shift they want to put me on in my agenda…] – since I had to do that, too, when I applied the first time – that I would then still be able to work. She said yes to that and emphasised the “if I succeed in doing that before Monday”. 

Ah meoow I was going quite steady with acting if everything is going all right, but this is a serious form of bad luck that can have very serious consequences. I didn’t apply for that job because I want to spend my hours in the coffee corner talking bullshit. It’s life or death, for me. I haven’t explained my personal situation to them, but if I did, they really have to hire me. I have health expenses to cover and with my sole proprietorship I don’t bild up retirement funds. Ik dacht dat foute toezeggingen alleen naar klanten toe gemaakt werden. What the fuck… I’m going to mail my Graeyniss πŸ™ . [I’m happy with now having a work-related reason to e-mail him haha yaay 😻 ]

I’m eating an egg sandwich right now, while drinking some tea.

And now I brought my plate to the kicthen haha.

I’m going to go fruit shopping and pick up my package, after which I’ll head over to my cousin. Gotta run πŸ˜€ xxx