00:22 (12:22 AM)
My love ♥
We’ve almost gotten ourselves through the holidays. I hope you’re enjoying the experience, but have not become so attached to it that you’d be one of those who insist that the annual routine of life right now, will be the exact same in 30 years. I think I have a healthy alternative for you. There are many things on my list for today. Regarding my political aspirations and the current state of my business (branding). I hope I’ll finally be able to break down everything on Graeyniss level and I pray you’ll anticipate in it. Not only for the greater good (in the context of all of nature). It’s also for the Volta I so desperately need.
But first, I’ll get some rest. The cooking and being semi-social [I just reallyyy suck at small talk] has drained all of the energy I had left. I’m going to put away my phone, before I start writing entire essays to you and collapse from this fatigue.
I love you ♥
– xxx –
Good morning ♥
I just dashed downstairs to eat some left overs. Now I’m back in bed. I’m still tired, so I’ll close my eyes again. But I just had some inspiration for today’s post and I want to make sure that I don’t forget it.
To summarize what I want to touch on today, I’ll start with a – to me – less heavy topic, by elaborating on that statement from yesterday about wanting a companion. From there I touch on achieving my goals via politics and the topic of togetherness in that, plus the topic of my “social network” (family, family friends, friends) and the background check [because of which I was trying to get those psychiatry people to let me review my fucking medical records, but they didn’t allow me to do that, even though I have the right to… I’ll tell you in advance that things will be different than usual with the involvement of my social life in my career. I’m not going to be smiling on pictures with these people. Not only because I don’t have time for it and I don’t fucking want to… All my free time is for my Cuddles and Graeynissis. Feel free to check my background and the backgrounds of everyone in my social realm. Especially the US government is allowed to, according to our “privacy laws”, which were first Dutch and are now European] that comes with entering politics. (Haha I learnt so much about politics and spin from watching Scandal.)
And then I’ll figuratively take you along with me, as I finish the D.O.C.I.S. International website, file that depressing revenue tax report and make a donation button/page for this website. I also want to make a beat, but that might be happening tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll finish everything on the list for today, but we’ll see. This is what I always do, but now you, my Graeyniss, have a holiday, after 10000 years [I’m pro give my Graeynissis their lives back], so you can tag along 🙂 .
I’ll be napping until 12:30 xxx
Reasons why I feel like emigrating to Antarctica and spending the rest of my life in an ice cave by myself:
Okayy little break. I’m too triggered to fall asleep because of this now haha… [Because only with superficial things you reach the masses, apparently. Oh or with details on horrific ways how people’s lives were ended. Blub blub blub, niqqu. Ha-ha just kidding… 😀 ]
I’ll stay bed petty, until I’m done with the elaboration, then shower and get behind my laptop. Maybe also take a walk, because I spend too much time inside. I would say “I need some fresh air,” but for that I’ll have to drive all the way to Germany.
Yesterday, I suddenly missed the social isolation that comes with being in a relationship. If you’re with the person you’re dating, in a group setting, it’s not that much of a foul to, when the table conversation is going on (and it sucks), figuratively close yourself off from it, by talking to the person you’re dating.
I’m not saying that I want back the exact isolation I was in when I was with my ex, which included a lot of sex, a lot of weed and a lot of unnecessarily heated discussions. I’ve retired from that type of relationship (and smoking weed so frequently). Now I’m in need of something more Graey…
I cannot talk with anyone in my social environment about this [I mean I can, but they all use the same proletarian TV script in their responses, about how it’s all hopeless and can’t be solved]: I don’t trust today’s democratic politics with the way the solutions to problems are temporary. It’s like they patch up the world’s issues, by means of pleasing the people, while things should actually be replaced, because those patches don’t last forever. In the future, they might all wear out at once. The world can’t last the way it does.
For example, look at all of the old cars Dutch people drive. (From all of the countries I travelled to, only here you see so many cars that just look like they can fall apart at any second.) For the short term, our current insurance system, in which I have a tiny bit of working experience, is very nice for the consumer, because they’re less incentivized to buy new cars. For the economy and our safety, it’s not good. Car manufacturers are incentivized to produce more eco-friendly cars, but the masses don’t buy the most recent car the way they buy the most recent iPhone. Can you imagine that day the Netherlands risks to flood and all of those people with their cars from 2001 start to cross the border, with their beasty moods, seeking for a new way to survive abroad (illegally)? Truthfully, I don’t really want to be the Dutch prime minister for four years. I just want to make sure that that proletarian diaspora doesn’t happen (in an uncontrolled manner). I was very young when it happened, so I wasn’t that aware of how the world works, then – I’m still learning, even – but I bet the Netherlands were screaming and shouting the loudest, when there were debates about opening all borders in Europe? It’s so in their advantage, when the dikes flood. I find that the borders should be closed again.
Gotta pee xxx
13:19 (01:19 PM)
I’ve been alone all my life. In the beginning, I really was alone. Or at least only surrounded by family, family friends and neighbors. I interacted with them, but the reason for our “friendship” isn’t/wasn’t because we get along so well or because we have a similar character, interests or a similar personality. No. The reason is causality and I have been trying to free myself from it. (But I really need some Graeyniss assistance to succeed in this… Please claim this catje 🙁 . (I’m the catje 😸.))
After being called “ongezellig” so often, as a child [my future self [I am now my future self compared to that little meow I was 18 years ago] internally says krijg de tering to all of those people], I started to make more friends in school and stuff. Again, there, the greatest reason for friendship is causality. Especially the underground figures I know from visiting coffeeshops [the Dutch coffeeshops that sell weed, semi-legally, because the government fucking earns sooo much from commercial weed], I know from causality. And I give my phone number to people far too easily, because I don’t want to hurt people by saying no. [I need a new phone number, but I don’t want those 99% of people to be able to reach me anymore. I want to emigrate, still… It should be a +1 number, instead of +316… Oh, now that we’re at it. Fuck it, right? +31618579724 feel free to contact me, but please text me, because I’m not a fan of making phone calls. Especially if they’re purposeless.] But by now I’m almost certain that 99% of all proletarians don’t have real feelings. They only know an emotional script. I’m still alone. As in there’s no one I can be myself with. Having someone to talk to, is so different from having someone to spend your time with, who “spends time” in a similar way. I find this form of being and missing hard to explain. That’s probably because I haven’t experienced it in my life ever. Real friendship and real love.
What I find the funniest about issues in politics, by the way, is that they’re the most intense on working days, and most often don’t even seem to “happen” on holidays. Except in Suriname, of course, hahaha. (That counter coupe, after the December murders. And then saying “Merry Christmas”.)
I vaguely know most of the people in my network of family, family friends and friends, have a past and/or present that includes involvement in criminal activities. There are even people who have tried to involve me in it. I’ve always refused – except for a few weeks back in Germany, I’ve cut a marijuana plant for the first time [I value honesty and transparency. We also smoked it all day long. The cutting itself was such a relaxing experience… I thought if the cops were to barge in and a legal process would follow, I could explain the causality of me knowing the guy and that I smoked for free and that I’m probably sick as fuck… So basically free medication] – when they tried to involve me in their things, because all my life, what I found the most important, was keeping my record clean, because of the career I attempt to live towards. Also, illegal and/or crazy things and the risk of being locked into a large construction with the most insane people, was my biggest fear. I basically lived through my biggest fear, since I’ve been involved in the psychiatric system. Now, the next scary thing is fighting to my death, but even for that, I’m ready now. I wouldn’t even care if I’d die. Fangs doesn’t give no fucks about nothing.
For every year, since I was sixteen, I’ve been saying: “Next year, I’ll be successful and have my own house. I’ll be providing for you, by then.” And I’m still in that same fucking position now. I was acting quite semi-jolly during those “Christmas moments” [ugh…], but I hate that my words are still not reality. I want to be number oneee. But not in regular shit, like getting the highest grades and stuff…. That’s not useful in what I want to achieve, really. Then I wouldn’t have time for all of my side-projects, such as blogging. Which is now basically what I hold on to, for the sake of at least “having one of my many unique things out”.
After my sister’s birthday, I’m going back to Amsterdam. But truthfully, I just want to live on my own – and Amsterdam is what currently comes closest to it, but it’s far from “it”, still. (I’m still broke… Broke means not having enough money to spend, basically.) I have still never lived alone, even though I crave for it day in day out. Aside from those moments I’ve been able to rent a holiday apartment or hotel room with a kitchen, or having stayed in my grandmother’s house when she was on a holiday. My problem during those moments, is that I think: I’m having the time of my life, but it’s finite. Three days of freedom left… Two days of freedom left… Et cetera. I call it freedom, because these proletarians I’m surrounded by all believe that they have more knowledge on life than I, and always want to know shit about my life, so that they can give their bullshit opinion about it – as if they have anything going on in their lives – and then give me advice, based on their “life experience” oh give me a breakkkkkkk please goddddd.
Meoow I’ll spend New Year’s alone, but the problem is, besides being called “ongezellig” [as if proletarian conversation is ever “gezellig”… It’s all about laughing… Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not… “Am vielen Lachen erkennt man den Narren.” It’s all of proletaria], is that that period of peace the most peace only lasts from like 9 PM until 1 AM, because it’s still not my own house, and thus proletarian conversation will continue when I’m not alone anymore. My secret hope is now making that donation thing, but splitting the opportunity to donate over seperate purposes, and hoping that I’ll get some support for the “please help Lil Fangs live independently” cause. If I’d upload it today, I could buy myself a space I can be semi-truly happy in. The happiest I would be if I would have Graeynissis in my house very regularly. Don’t worry about getting along with my family, family friends and/or friends: you don’t have to. I don’t intend to either. Yay 😀 . I would also be happy moving in with a Graeyniss… But the thought of socializing with children whose father I have the feeling of wanting to be intimate with, while we almost have the same age, gives me palpitations… I can’t help that I find power, intelligence and suits attractive…
On all of my visits to restaurants when I’m with my family: my father is always the one who pays, by the way. My parents just asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch with them. My initial response was saying yes, because I’m hungry as fuck, but there are a lot of things on my list and going out for lunch is very time consuming, so I said no.
I’m going downstairs to eat again – I wish I would have someone who would bring me food and maybe even feed me – and shower.
Tune in later for some live web maintenance and talking about the strategy for 2019 I still need to make up, because I have the most silent audience ever. All I know, currently, is that Kista, in Sweden, is the city I’m the most popular in, now (if that’s not because of an IP input mask (?)).
15:19 (03:19 PM)
I added some clarifications to earlier written posts and turned my tomato soup into a semi-new dish, by adding mashed potatoes to it.
Haha I need new food… But I’ll be showering xxx
16:21 (04:21 PM)
On the closed borders: if all countries except the Netherlands were to suddenly close their borders again, of course people here would suddenly start to use their brains and get a whiff from everything that is going on. My policy says that those with greater capacities, a higher level of intelligence et cetera should be privileged in this, because we’ll have to build a whole new world. But of course dumb wild animals won’t accept that, and start to think outside the box, not accepting their fate. That’s why it should be guided very well. That’s also why I find it better to cause it, than to wait for it, if you know what I mean. But again, guided. By me and no one else. I don’t easily trust people. Especially not when they can settle for a life in front of the TV.
That cutting of a weed plant once, and having moved in with an employee of the hotel I slept in in Berlin, who is a dealer on the side, is not the only criminal activity I’ve been involved in. The other one was being my father’s book keeping assistant from age 15 until age 18 or something. I stopped working for him, when I started my studies at the Erasmus University, but he stopped paying me long before that (I’m far too kind hearted, man, what the fuck…).
I used to earn from ironing for the family, when I was 10, but after a few years I wanted to up my pay, so my sister started to do the ironing and I became the book keeping assistant for my father’s sole proprietorship (and this household). [I was also a cashier at the Albert Heijn, when I was 16, for like 6 months. Then I decided that I need a better life and I came up with my first business idea. But my father didn’t want to give me the €600 I needed to start it, because he feared that I would drop out, because of the idea’s success…] There were many things within the way I was ordered to disseminate transactions to the book keeping office, I didn’t agree with. In the beginning, I still did it, because I was relatively popular at that time and I had birthday parties I bought presents for, every month. Plus my phone subscription et cetera were all very pricey, and “the good form of parenting from my parents” lets me pay for everything myself, as far as possible. (If they could, they would let me pay rent for living here.) The accountant’s office my father works with [Pink Notes], every now and then sent a document with transactions of which evidence needs to be uploaded, which I did. (Receipts.) They were from personal expenses, done from his business account. The evidence was needed to request a tax back. Especially when I saw how much money was coming in, and how much from that was given to my sister and I [THAT €160 A MONTH WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW MUCH THIS BITCH NIQQA EARNS], I was quickly fucking done with it. [I type this with trembling hands, eh, because that man is fucking insane and on my life I swear he would rather kill me and keep his money, instead of earning things fully legally and allow me to live happily.]
And now the illegal shit in my life is living in a house with a shitload of bictoin generating computers. [It’s the dumbest, most non-eco-friendly thing I’ve ever heard, really. If you don’t think in money, like me, you just see a fucking literal waste of energy. These things are literally on 24/7. A computer is on 24/7 and from that you suddenly get money. There’s no value in that. There’s only a lot of fucking noise coming from them, in my eyes. Other than that, to me, it’s valueless. It sounds as if I’m in a fucking plane. That’s how loud they are.] On that picture of myself I uploaded yesterday, you see two of them. For the sake of the environment, my health and the economy: having these computers in a regular house should be illegal. Actually, that whole industry shouldn’t even exist, because for actual non-value an individual can suddenly buy crazy amounts of resources.
Here are two more:
Soo let’s get to that revenue tax report I’ll now file for both that one time I unsubscribed my previous business, but never filed it, and my current business. If you only knew how much it hurts to fill out “0”, “0”, “0”, in almost every fucking field…
Now, I can fill out having earned $6.20 (US/UK style) $6,20 (“NL style”) “woohoo”. It’s $7.77 minus the cut for the “distribution center” behind the online book sales.
17:57 (05:57 PM)
Excuse me, but it’s not healthy to say that these revenue tax numbers, should be rounded numbers. It’s like you’re saying “Please commit fraud,” because in this way, you allow people to keep their book keeping a mess. Also, for broke ass sole proprietors like me, I couldn’t even “do my full bookkeeping” by filling out €5,45 and €1,15… But I just saved myself fifteen cents. *throws confetti*
Ahahah they seriously want me to pay €1… Ga toch op het dak zitten joh…. But of course, it’s my legal duty to pay it.
That was my revenue tax for het 3de kwartaal van 2018 [jaa ik ben een beetje laat, want ik zat in Duitsland zonder die code uit die brief van toen ik de eerste keer mijn wachtwoord ontving, die ik nodig had, omdat ik mijn wachtwoord was vergeten…]. For het 4de kwartaal van 2018 it’s “0”, “0”, “0”, etc. look:
Over a donation I don’t have to pay revenue tax, since it’s a donation. Unfortunately I can’t give you a shout out on my website, when you give me a donation, because then that will be considered a tegenprestatie, and then I would have to give 21% of that donation to the Dutch government. No one wants that…
Be right back, I have to transfer €1 to die fucking zakkenvullers. Revenue tax shouldn’t exist.
18:44 (06:44 PM)
I’m now editing this webpage. After that, I’ll make the 2019’s reform article on this site and refer the D.O.C.I.S. International slider link to it. And then the Fang’s Fundraisers page and a new menu on this website 🙂 .
19:41 (07:41 PM)
I must say those bitcoin computers were keeping me pretty warm there in my father’s home office on the top floor. The Dutch winter got me like:
20:12 (08:12 PM)
I’m almost done with that page, but I’m now going to cook some spinach, because I don’t want to eat left overs… I’ve been eating left overs all day already…
23:22 (11:22 PM)
Dinner was nice 🙂 . My sister made jambalaya 🙂 (I’ll snap a picture when I go for my midnight snack). While we were watching Boondocks, a series we watched often in the past, I made a new post and page for this website. Right after cooking the spinach and before seating at the dinner table, I finished the proposal page I mentioned earlier.
In the reform article I want to mention how I’ll use the donation funds, why and how donations, and that I actually still don’t want to do it via the Dutch democratic system, since I don’t believe in it and don’t trust it, still. The concept of the Dutch government is so vague and so privatized, that truly there’s not really even a government that can be spoken of. I want to stay independent. I hope you’ll support me in that. I’m going to get off the toilet, charge my phone, eat a snack – but no jambalaya yet – and continue to edit this website. I might make a slider for this website as well.